OM's Notes: Once again, I wrote all of this here and there during the main storyline's creation, and it'd be a shame to let it go waste, so think of it as yet another added bonus between chapters.
Warning! A lot of this was written or invented while I was co-writing Decadent Habits, and you know what that means. This bonus chapter will have some of the most lemony brief segments seen in this fic so far, and if you really hate that kind of stuff, you're advised to skip it and wait for the next, In-Continuity chapter.
If not, well, no matter what happens, you can look back at this chapter later and tell yourself, "Well, the story could have been worse!"
Thanks to all those who collaborated with snippets for this piece.
Also, this October the 20th is my B-Day, so basically, this is kinda my birthday present to myself. Yeah…
Unequally Rational and Emotional
Lesson 31 and a Half: What If…?
Disclaimer:Mahou Sensei Negima and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Akamatsu Ken, and the authors of this humble piece has made no material profit from it, and never will do. Do we look like we have hot cosplayer wives, or what?
Sailor Moon belongs to Takeuchi Naoko.
Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei was created by and belongs to Kumeta Koji.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic belongs to Hasbro.
What If…?, the Fantastic Four and Uatu the Watcher belong to Marvel Comics.
Fate Stay Night is owned by TYPE-MOON.
Batman, Superman, and all related elements belong to DC Comics.
All other characters mentioned also belong to their respective copyright holders.
Thanks to all the fanfic writers who wrote the pieces parodied or homaged in this chapter.
...
Dan da da dandan da dan!
Previously, on Unequally Rational and Emotional:
Kuro: After a lot of hardships, hard training and assorted sexy hijinks, both Negi and his students and the Alternate Negi and his Ala Alba team– and moi!– travel to Kyoto, where they are ambushed by the mad swordswoman Tsukuyomi and the renegade leader Amagasaki Chigusa. Tsukuyomi is revealed to be Setsuna's younger half sister, and— WAIT! This is the correct recap of the arc so far!
Chisame: Isn't it supposed to work that way?
Kuro: Of course not! I'm supposed to give a screwy, nonsensical fake recap as an attempt at a Running Gag! Who wrote this? They got it all right, which means it's all wrong!
Sayo: Um, well, this is the special What If or Elseworlds chapter, so all the rules have changed. That's why I can talk to you, and you can listen to me...
Kuro: Oh. Is that so? Don't be silly, I can always talk to ghosts. Word of Overlord says so. But seriously, who comes with this kind of crap ideas?
Chizuno Masuto: Well, I had this bunch of snippets I gathered along the way, and I didn't have any other place where to post them all together...
Senou Kaede: I have NOTHING to do with this. I just edit around here
Chisame: Gah, Self-Inserts! Stay away! I know your kind! Now you'll use your powers over plot to have sex with me, you... you Authors!
Chizuno Masuto: Don't be absurd! I'd never use my powers for evil, Wish Fulfillment, or Naruto writing!
Senou Kaede: Whistles innocently
Cocone: Author-san, will I end up with Misora, with Negi, or both?
Tokiha Mai: Author-san, will I regain at least some of the protagonism I lost?
Setsuna: Thank you very much for not making me Ojou-sama's bait-and-switch sister. How can I repay you in some way not involving sex?
Kino Makoto: You killed me, you bastard!
Chizuno Masuto: For any questions, please contact my fictional set of lawyers...
Senou Kaede: Well, I better get back to my own writing
Kuro: Yeah, our own universe has stalled, you talentless, loli-worshipping, attention-starved hack!
Twilight Red: So, um, then we're skipping this one, aren't we?
Valkyrie Black: Just as well. I have a few Tales of Yue's Harem segments to film this week.
Kira Deathnote Paru-sama: Damn you for being his choice of Memetic Sex Goddess!
Yue: Please, Ayase-san, teach me how to be you...
Valkyrie Black: Patience, you'll eventually get there on your own...
Kinomoto Sakura (walks in wearing a Green Lantern costume): Hey, Tomoyo-chan, are you sure Nanoha-chan won't mind about this...?
Daidouji Tomoyo (wearing a Star Sapphire costume): Of course not! There are around five thousand of fellows out in space wearing the same basic motif! Although I'll bet none of them has such a lovely variant as yours, and no one fills it that well...
Kinomoto Sakura: Hoooeeee, I'm just not sure it should have this much cleavage...
Takamachi Nanoha of 2814: Author-san! Back to work! You're in the middle of a fight scene!
Joker: And that's where things get too crazy even for me. Nothing to see here anymore, fellas, move on and go enjoy the chapter before I shoot you...
Prologue: What If OverMaster decided to Make a What If Special?
High above Earth, hidden from all inhabitants of Mundus Vetus or Mundus Magicus, surrounded by impossibly advanced cloaking devices millions of years old, there is a fortress in the dark side of the Moon. Such majestically huge abode, with its crystalline towers, is the residence to a single, towering being (fun fact: it used to be a tool shed during the Silver Millennium). A humanoid of bright empty eyes and large bald head, clad in the kind of regal white robes that make you look imposing as long as you are in a comic book and not in real life.
Upon our arrival, he stands at the fortress' entrance, gesturing ahead with a hand, his voice resounding through the artificial atmosphere of his encapsulated domain.
"Greetings! I am Uatu the Watcher, a being who has chronicled the exploits, tragedies and triumphs of this universe since its fiery birth, and shall continue doing so until its final demise! Always sworn to watch and register, to observe and record, but never to interfere, no matter what! Even if they are about to release another Twilight book or another Negima live action series, I am to hold my hand from direct intervention on the mortals' affairs, no matter how tempting it is to push a satellite out of orbit and drop it on someone's head!"
"However, nothing stops me from sharing impressions of the multiple ways the sands of time could have shifted around with you. As a matter of fact, I used to do just that for years, in a highly lucrative side gig for Marvel Comics in the What If comic book title until Wolverine stole the show. And now, I shall be doing just that again, to guide you through an universe of infinite impossibilities!"
"Through my recent years of watching over you Earthlings, the deeds of Negi Springfield and his associates have caught my eye. And not because of the young nubile females gravitating around him..."
"..."
"Well, it is lonely up here, but—"
"Regardless! The events of Ala Alba's adventures might have happened a trillion different ways! Each change to the continuum would have brought awe-inspiring consequences! And so, I offer you all a glimpse into only a few of those possible alternate outcomes! Step with me, as I guide you through a trip beyond the boundaries of this particular reality! It is a trip ages shall call... The Unequally Rational and Emotional What If Special!"
"Just remember to keep your arms and head inside at all times, and do not feed the ermines or Incubators."
What If Unequally Rational and Emotional became Negimaru?
Chisame seethed nervously, pacing up and down her room, with a concerned Matoi looking up at her from her spot at the kotatsu, and Hakase absently tinkering with some machinery. Chamo was carelessly puffing on a cigarette in his drawer of pilfered panties.
"Chisame-sama, just let it go..." Matoi pleaded. "It's only a popularity ranking..."
"No, it's my popularity ranking!" Chisame barked. Good thing Negi was teaching the Baka Rangers their review classes, or he'd have been sent running for the hills in panic. "The one I worked hard for years to keep, ever since I first grew breasts! That Number One spot was mine, earned with blood, sweat and tears! And now who has it? Asuna! Freaking Asuna! What has she done to deserve it? NOTHING! She just walks around without a care in the world, gets her photos taken, and then she gets to be the Internet's dandy without any effort! Does she sew her own costumes? Does she mind her photography? Does she set up her own page with all the love and devotion a mother would give her child? Does she take Kimura-sempai's advice to talk to those lawyers to protect her rights? No!"
"I doubt she'd be too happy if she knew someone's out there taking pictures of her..." Hakase coolly opined.
"Yeah. Why don't you tell her what's happening? I bet she'll find that creepy stalker photographer and kick his worthless ass herself then, Tsunetsuki said, in a blissfully ignorant abuse of hypocrisy.
"No! If I tell her I know that, I'll have to explain how I know it!" Chisame said. "Then she'll know I'm Chiu! And she'll tell Konoka! And Konoka will tell the librarians! And Haruna will tell the whole school!"
"Well, there's that, yes, Matoi pondered. "I want to keep your greatness to myself, after all".
"Why don't you try an Internet smear campaign on Asuna-nee, if you're so worried about that?" Chamo yawned. "Say she has bad breath or something. Or that she likes The Problem Solverz, writes self-inserts, or reads Twilight for fun. That always turns the Internet against you."
"I already tried to," Matoi said grimly. "I was called a Chiutard and banned out of thirty five forums."
"You know, Chisame, you're nearly physically identical to Kagurazaka-san, and you're a master of disguise, Hakase observed, never taking her eyes off her work. "Why don't you dress up as her, go out, commit a few rampant acts of public indecency in her name, and ruin her reputation so her fans will abandon her and flock back to you?"
Chisame, Chamo and Matoi stared at her in stupor.
"Satomi-nee, sometimes you remind me mad scientists ARE supposed to be EVIL!" Chamo gasped.
"DO YOU WANT TO GET ME RAPED?-!" Chisame roared.
A light bulb appeared over Matoi's head. "Raped! That's it! Chisame-sama, we only have to fake it!"
"Ah?" the hacker made a disgusted face.
Matoi stood up smiling and humming sweetly. She grabbed one of Negi's jackets and buttoned it upon her petite, slim body. She posed; her boyish looks, complete with short hair, made her look like a Bishonen.
Chisame understood. "What you mean is—"
Matoi chuckled, coming behind Hakase and bunching the genius' hair behind her head, also giving the flat girl a semi-androgynous look that only needed a few extra touches. "You've got two 'guys' to play pretend with right here."
Chamo raised an eyebrow. Now this had possibilities...
The next day, Negi returned early from his extra classes. "Girls, Chamo, I'm home! We were—"
He heard low whispers from the bedroom.
"Are you sure my crotch can't be seen from this angle?"
"Relax, Forehead, I set the cameras in all the right angles. Ah! Ah! Chisame-sama!"
"M-My name's Asuna! And... T-Tsunetsuki, I don't think you should rub that against my— OOHH, GOD!"
"It's... It's so it looks like I'm actually a man... doing... to you... OHHHH, CHISAME-SAMAAAAA!"
"MY NAME'S ASUNA, YOU IDIOT!"
Negi looked in, curiously, and became stiff as a statue.
'Asuna' grew stiff and terrified, between the Matoi-looking boy set between her legs and the Hakase-looking boy sitting on her face.
"Oh. Hello, Bro, Chamo gasped, from where he was typing the updates on Chisame's main computer with only one paw.
Negi turned around mechanically. "I... I didn't see anything, Asuna-san! Really! N-Nothing!"
And he ran away like wind before anyone could explain anything.
Half a hour later, Itoshiki-sensei found him crouched down next to his doorstep, sucking on a thumb. Out of pity, he let him sleep on his couch that night, although Negi never explained the reason...
Yaoi did NOT happen!-!-!-!-!
Three days later, Asuna's Internet popularity had skyrocketed up even more. She had to begin punching admirers asking for autographs and 'a little more' on her way back home every day...
Haruna eventually put her through to her Aunt Akane, who gave her some tips for dealing with that sort of thing
Yuri DID happen...
What If Negi made a Pactio with Ikari Shinji?
"Well, if you're going to do it, do it quick!" Asuka urged. "That barrier thing looks like won't hold for long, and then all those demons will be on us like white on rice!"
Chamo sighed and finished the circle. "You're so damn stubborn, Asuka-nee. It'd be much better if you did this instead of Shinji-Aniki!"
"Debatable", Haruna bit her lower lip, fingers poised over drawing notebook, itching to start.
Chamo averted his gaze as a trembling Shinji entered the circle. Negi squirmed. Rider stood aside, expressionless. "Ugh. Whatever. Do it fast, before I puke!" the ermine said. "This is a travesty! An offense against all that is good and pure and hot!"
Shinji gathered a lot of breath and leaned ahead. His lips touched Negi's.
"PACTIO!-!-!" Haruna jumped up and down. Asuka made a vaguely interested face. Rider still said nothing.
The kiss was promptly broken, both boys spitting to the side as the card landed between them. Negi produced a copy and handed it over to Shinji, neither daring to look directly at the other, cheeks flushed. "Y-You already saw the procedure with H-Haruna-san, Ikari-san. Just do w-what she did."
Shinji gulped, remembering that very brief but very glorious glimpse of unadultered Saotome nudity. Somewhere else, somehow, Ranma felt an unexplainable urge to kill.
The teen boy gulped, seeing the three girls weren't looking away. "S-Shouldn't you turn around...?"
"This is my payback for when you saw me naked, Baka-Shinji," Asuka snorted.
"Ditto, Haruna grinned.
"There must be no secrets between a Master and his Servant," Rider philosophized. "Now hurry, please. Even Negi-sensei, Haruna-sama and me can't beat off to– er, beat all those demons by ourselves."
Shinji sighed. "Adeat."
Chamo cringed even more, looking away from the nudity showing transformation sequence. "Evil! Horrible! My manliness cringes!"
Asuka's right eyebrow twitched. "I imagined it'd be smaller...!"
Haruna wiped drool off her mouth. "Asuka-chan, I'll trade rooms with you!"
When it was over, Shinji stood there in a form fitting blue spandex suit, covering him from toes to neck, including his arms and hands. A small black and white diadem was on his head. But then, the Artifact materialized as well. All around him, elevating him, towering over the demon filled landscape.
A gigantic, purple and green robotic monstrosity with bright threatening eyes.
The demons soiled themselves en masse.
Chamo and Negi's jaws dropped.
Haruna hissed. "I just wet my panties...!" she shared, deliriously.
Rider lifted up her head, put some special glasses on, and pulled her blindfold down. Then her jaw slacked as well.
"So... is that the Artifact you spoke of?" Asuka spoke softly.
Chamo could barely nod in a stiff fashion.
Asuka smirked and turned to Negi. "Pucker up, brat! I want one of those, too, but in red!"
What If Unequally Negi and Chisame had been Revealed to be Siblings?
Ah. She was having that strange dream again.
She was playing by herself in the garden with her toy cars. She knew girls were supposed to play with dolls, but she was clumsy and bad at playing house. For some reason, she felt more at ease with cars.
Then she saw the tall man with reddish brown hair leaving the house again, her mother angrily stomping after him, yelling at him. Stoically, with nothing but an awkward smile, the man (he reminded her of someone?) walked up to her and hugged her briefly. "Goodbye, Sora-chan, he said, and left.
Then Mom was left there crying, crying with rage and bitterness. Sora tried to comfort her, but as usual, Mom pushed her away. Mom had this difficult temper that made it hard for others to deal with her (again, she reminded Sora of someone very close. Oh, but that person hadn't been born yet).
"Mom, where did Nagi-san go now?" she asked, innocently.
"Nagi-san won't be coming back, Sora, her mother hissed.
"Like Dad?"
"Yes. Just like your Father."
Truth be told, they still saw Dad on her birthdays and Christmas, but for everything else, he was as good as gone forever.
"Why, Mom?"
"He loves someone else, Sora. He always did."
Sora put a small hand on her mother's back, and this time, just this once, she wasn't pushed back. She only was hugged, warmly. It felt nice.
"Do you know what, Sora? Nagi-san is a magical man."
"Really, Mom?"
"Yes. But he only managed to teach me one spell. Well, he only knows six himself. Do you want to see it?"
"Yes, Mom!"
Smiling sadly, her mother put a hand on her forehead. "I only regret I didn't use this on myself earlier. At least, I have the consolation he'll never know about your little sister, she mused with some vengeful harshness.
"Which little sister, Mom?"
"All in due time, Sora. All in due time, And then she whispered, "Ancient beings, from far and near, make her memory of him disappear..."
Hasegawa Sora woke up with a start.
She sat up rubbing her eyes, shaking her head groggily. Slowly, she remembered where she was as her eyes took in the darkness of the room. She remembered spending the night with her little sister, her roommate and their young teacher, trying to make up for all the lost time. Trying to finally be a good sister, since they had lacked a good father and mother.
Then it had started to rain, and she couldn't leave back for her dorm.
Smiling, Sora looked down at the three other figures in pajamas sharing the crowded bed with her. Honestly, every time, it was the same. There was no way to keep Negi-sensei in his futon, or Hakase-san in her own bunk.
But, Sora thought as she watched the three cuddling closely, Hakase hugging Chisame's back while Chisame held Negi against her chest, she never had seen her sister sleeping as peacefully, ever before.
So, everything was right with the world, then.
Yes.
What If Unequally Chizuru and Arika had been Revealed to be Sisters?
Once again, Fujimura Taiga was taking the parents and tutors' approvals for the incoming class trips. It was the last day of it, and frankly, Tiger-sensei (heh heh! I can call her like that with no fear of retaliation, because I'm the auth— OW! Sorry! I won't do it again!) was glad of it. After meeting Suzumiya's parents, and then seeing Tamura Makoto's mother again after so long, she was feeling a nervous wreck.
Really, she had never wanted to meet Tamura Umeko again. Those horrible visions of their time studying together had almost started to vanish away...
There was one last parent she had to meet, however. A parent of a 3-A student. Oh God. Taiga's head already ached again.
And then she fell silent, as she watched him walking in. Her jaw almost fell.
She always had liked older men, after all. How'd the music go? Boom-chicka-BOW-WOW!
This gentleman had a handsome and well-kept appearance, even if he seemed a bit too old to be Naba Chizuru's father. Oh well, men often went wild in their old age as well. What mattered is he seemed to exude charm, even if one of a slightly dangerous quality. He seemed, just from a first glance, the kind of man who had done and lived everything. His daughter hung shortly behind him, with one of her patented kind and warm smiles ©.
"Madame, he bowed, elegantly reaching for one of Taiga's hands and placing a tender kiss on it. "Charmed to meet you. I am Naba Tetsuo, Chizuru's father."
"Oh. Oh, well, nice to meet you, too, Taiga forced a smile. "I'm Fujimura Taiga, and while I'm not your daughter's homeroom teacher, I'll be glad to take your permission. Please have a seat..."
A while later, as he led her back to her dorm room, Chizuru briefly rested her head on her father's shoulder. After a brief glimpse around to verify there was no one near, she whispered, "I think she liked you."
"Probably," he chuckled, finding the idea amusing.
"She is a good woman, even if somewhat headstrong, Chizuru mused.
"That's good. I like that kind of woman."
"You like all kinds of women, Father, she reminded him, sounding a bit distant.
He ran an arm around her shoulders. "You know you are the first one in my heart."
For a second, the ever present joy of living disappeared from her words, while they stopped at her doorstep. She didn't look up at his face, keeping her gaze as low as her voice. "Liar."
Then he grabbed her by the waist and violently kissed her mouth.
After a moment of losing herself into it, melting in his embrace, she pushed him away, breathing deeply. "Not here, please! Someone could see us! Everything would be compromised!"
He ran a hand fondly through her brown hair. "Trust me, my dear, if anyone was in any condition to notice that, I would have felt it beforehand. Just be patient. Soon, soon, the moment will come when we will not need to hide this anymore."
"I'm afraid, she confided, even lower now.
He kissed her forehead this time. "Keep your trust on me, dear child. The day is coming closer, and it will be here sooner than you expect. So is your roommate, as well, he warned, taking a step back.
Chizuru recomposed herself and fixed her smile back as Natsumi opened the door from the inside. "Oh, hello, Chizu-nee! I knew I had heard voices." She turned to the man and bowed. "Good afternoon, Naba-san!"
"Good afternoon, Murakami-kun, he bowed back. "I regret not being able to dine with you, but pressing matters urge me somewhere else. Chizuru, please take care of yourself."
The tall girl nodded. "I will, Father."
"Your Dad's a very nice man. Elegant and well behaved. I wish mine were like him, Chizu-nee!" Natsumi sighed while watching him walk off-sight.
"Yes. Yes, he is, Chizuru sighed, heading for the bedroom. "Excuse me, Natsumi-chan. I'll be preparing dinner right now, but before, please let me fix my contacts, okay?"
"Okay!" Natsumi hurried for the kitchenette. "I'll be starting in the meanwhile!"
"Please do so, Naba asked, while sitting down and taking the contact lenses out now Natsumi couldn't see her.
She had told Natsumi she needed her contacts to read. She had asked her not to tell anyone, since it embarassed her. Natsumi, being such a nice girl, had agreed quickly, of course, and kept her word on it. But in truth, Chizuru had perfect eyesight, as she should.
The real reason was the same as why she had agreed so quickly to Ayaka moving in with Makie. Ayaka was sharper than Natsumi, after all, and she knew Asuna better than anyone.
Ayaka would, sooner or later, suspect something, see something she shouldn't.
Chizuru stared at her face in the mirror. Without the lenses, a set of mismatched eyes stared back at her.
One blue, the other green.
"Please, don't disappoint me, Father," she begged.
There were tiny droplets in the corners of those eyes.
What If Unequally Rational and Emotional Became an Animated Series?
1. No Export for You, since the overseas legal rights to all series involved could never be sorted out.
2. Six Fingered Makie!
3. Tsukuyomi-Hansel sex scene replaced by having them playing checkers.
4. Chamo is replaced by Motsu and Shichimi.
5. Gratuitous non-canon Hakase-Sakurako Yuri Sex Scene added for the Blu-ray release. The fandom will say it's the ONE ORIGINAL THING added in that doesn't suck.
6. Obligatory Sucky Videogame tie-in released. It doesn't get an export either, luckily for you.
7. Asuna dies at the end.
8. Chisame punches Negi at least twice an episode.
9. Color booklet with sexy pictures of The Joker included with each disc. Stores refuse to sell them.
10. Norio Wakamoto voices Shadow Crystal Mage's cameos.
What If Rin had summoned Pinkie Pie?
Rin rubbed the bridge of her nose. "How did we end up solving the matter of who would end up with the Grail with a damn limbo contest?-!"
"Well, you wouldn't go with the game show idea", Kirei said. "Oh, excuse me, this is my song". He ripped off his vestments to reveal a silk shirt, bell bottoms and vest and posed. Staying alive, staying alive!
"It's the perfect way to end a party, isn't it?" Servant Partygoer smiled at her Master, holding the sacred cup to her. "And I won it for you, Master, so why the long face? Cheer up!"
"The way to end a party? It's been two hours since you won that contest, and the party isn't over yet!" Rin snapped. "Ah! My curtains!"
Berserker grunted a few incoherent hellish sounds before stomping into the bathroom holding Rin's curtains.
"He says you ran out of toilet paper," Ilya translated.
Rin began sobbing. Partygoer patted her leg softly with a hoof. "Don't worry! We'll have another limbo contest to close the party! You won't miss that one!"
Shield and Saber, completely sloshed, danced around Rin, holding each other tightly while Shirou and Rei stared on blankly.
Negi sighed. "Oh, Mom..."
Lifemaker/Nagi patted him on a shoulder. "At first, it also was difficult for me to accept..."
In the Throne of Heroes, Vigilante and Lancer sighed while playing poker.
"I win again."
"Like I care anymore."
What If Sakura had been adopted by the Matous?
"Hey, Onee-sama, Tohsaka Sakura called out, coming out of the attic with a photograph of a badly wrinkled elder man in hand. "I found this between some of Dad's books. Do you know who is it?"
Rin looked up from the arcane tome she had been reading and made a disgusted face. "Ugh. That's Matou Zouken. A creep of the highest magnitude, and leader of the Matou clan. He offered to adopt you when Dad decided to focus all his attention on training me, but..."
"But...?" Sakura asked.
Rin looked around to make sure Vigilante wasn't anywhere around, and then whispered, "Make sure Vigilante never learns about this, because otherwise he'll go straight to hunt for him, and we just don't have the strength to match the Matou clan yet. And I don't want to waste any Command spells on holding him back. But Dad learned his true purposes for you, and he rejected his offer. Quite bluntly."
Sakura looked baffled now. "What... What purposes were those?"
Rin looked even more reluctant to talk now, but finally said, "Well, Zouken's only living heir, his grandson, is an absolutely incompetent sorry failure of a magic user, so Zouken decided to use your much more potential-filled body for his selfish ends. For that, he was going to fill your body with phallic parasite worms that would replace your uterus and other organs, causing you constant suffering, and placing a relentless need for Mana in you."
Sakura grew pale. Very pale.
Rin sighed, going back to her reading. "You're a lucky girl. And never underestimate your Oneesama's protection from now on."
Sakura silently thanked whatever entity shaped the universe so she escaped such a fate.
Elsewhere, Chao Lingshen felt much better, and much more virtuous, all of a sudden. She wondered why.
"Then..." Sakura regained her speech slowly, "The-Then what did that awful man do after that?"
Rin exhaled sadly. "Well, he got himself another replacement, also gifted with a very high magical potential..."
Elsewhere at Mahora, a downcast Matou Sakura, born Kinomoto Sakura, dragged her steps across campus.
A delighted Tomoyo ran after her. "Oh, Sakura-chan...! What, were you visiting your brother again?
Sakura nodded. "Yes."
"Hmmmm!" Tomoyo nodded. "Well, you look a bit tired. What if you come to my room, and eat some pastries Mom sent me, and... well, you can put on some new dresses I made for you..."
Mana Mana Mana Mana Mana Mana Mana Mana Mana...
Shinji barely had any to speak of, after all
Sakura smiled very slowly. "Yeah, let's go, Tomoyo-chan..."
Hey. We never said it'd be that Sakura, did we?
On the plus side, Tomoyo was VERY happy with Sakura's advances and performance. Until she found out what Zouken had done.
The Holy Grail War was called off because the Matou house disappeared in a nuclear mushroom cloud. It was blamed on Deadpool, who actually WAS there at the time...
What if Chisame was Twins?
"Hello, I'm Hasegawa Chisame, and this is my twin sister, Chiuko, " the taller girl droned dryly.
The much shorter Loli next to her bowed her head for only a moment, lacking just as much enthusiasm as her sister.
Negi blinked. "... Twins?"
"Twins," Chisame confirmed. Negi stared blankly, not knowing what to say. Then he looked at Hakase, as if looking for an explanation, but even the genius could do nothing but shrugging.
A few nights after, as he sleepily lurched up towards the twins' bunk, Hakase grabbed him and pulled him into the lower bunk with herself, keeping him tightly hugged so he wouldn't escape. Much to her comfort, and to something else strangely bubbling in her heart now, he hugged her back and relaxed against her.
Good. It wouldn't do, having him sneaking into the Net Idols' bed...
The bunk above hers creaked up and down, and soft pants and gasps filled the air.
Elsewhere, Fuuka and Fumika drank to forget their woes.
"The only thing we had been left...! Our Twin Threesome Fantasy factor...! And she stole that away, too...!"
"What... What if we go kill our parents? That'll give us heavy dramatic baggage, allowing us a role all our own..."
"Fumika, how many times do I have to tell you never read Decadent Habits while drinking...?"
What If Asuna, Nekane, Ayaka and Chisame were all Negi's Sisters?
"Girls," Shizuna announced, "This is Negi Springfield, you new English and Homeroom teacher. And these are his older sisters. Nekane Springfield-san will work as Sensei's assistant, and Asuna Springfield-Enteofushia-san, Ayaka Springfield-san and Chisame Springfield-san will be your newest classmates..."
Since the girls were very adamant on not allowing their little brother to become a womanizer who left children with every woman around like their father had been, Haruna, Misa and Makie learned a few very lasting lessons on fear rather quickly.
Poor Negi had to wait until he was thirty to lose his virginity. Fortunately, Nodoka was patient...
What If you Ever Find Yourself in Haruna's Room?
A Mini-Survival Guide by Ayase Yue.
Greetings, dear reader. If you are reading this, you're most likely about to either visit or take up residence in Mahora Academy. And if you're going to do that, odds are you'll visit Haruna's room at some point or another. Now, don't panic yet, or don't get your lecherous hopes up, depending on the kind of person you are. To the best of my rather limited knowledge on the subject, Haruna is still, despite her... mindset, a virgin, and she never has brought anyone to her room with the intention of having intercourse with them.
Still, she will tease you, regardless of your gender, age, legal status, profession, species or familial relation, and several things in that room are harmful enough on their own even without Haruna herself around. So, in the interest of your own safety, I will give you ten quick tips you must keep in mind while there. Relax, they'll be free. I'm not Mana-san.
1. You may be justified in dreading all reading material you'll find in Haruna's room is the illegal, highly mind bending and toxic variety, but actually, she's an avid reader of everything, and that includes safe, innocuous material. She keeps several classic works of literature near her at any given time, and many of her prized volumes are collector's items of great cultural value. Her rich aunt pampers her that way. As a general rule of thumb, the closer to her bed the reading material is, the more dangerous it's likely to be. Please, no matter what you do, never ever look under her bed.
2. Ku Fei is Haruna's roommate. Thank God she doesn't reside with us. She keeps her (relative) sanity by spending most of her time out either training or working at the Chao Bao Zi. And by threatening to break Haruna's fingers when she gets too touchy. Since a mangaka's fingers are her life, that technique is a remarkably good way to keep Paru at bay, and you can use it under extreme circumstances. Still, there's a chance you'll meet her while in Haruna's evil lair. If so, she's a nice girl and should pose no threat to your safety as long as you aren't crass or insolent to her. But no matter what, always reject any sparring offer she may throw your way.
3. If you happen to look through Haruna's video collection, remember, Caligula isn't a historic documentary.
4. And Who's Nailin' Sarah Paylin (sic) isn't a political documentary. Duh.
5. You also may run into Yuuki Rito-san, Haruna's boyfriend, while you're there. No, he doesn't go to try anything morally questionable. Most of the time, he only goes to ask for his cousin Nao's underwear back. No, don't ask. Rito-san is a nice, polite young man, and he doesn't deserve your mockery no matter how many times he clumsily slips and falls in your presence. Also, if you're a girl and he trips and falls on you, please don't be too harsh with him, and don't punch him through the ceiling. It just... happens to him. He means no malice with it.
At least, so I hope.
6. Anything you may find that has a tubular shape and/or vibrates is to be left alone.
7. The ermine you're likely to find into the underwear drawer belongs to Negi-sensei. Please don't hurt him. That's Chisame-san's job.
8. You shouldn't take the saucy pictures of Net Idol Chiu Haruna keeps around without her permission. She'll gladly give you copies.
9. Anything Haruna may tell you about my sex appeal or Nodoka's is a complete and vile lie.
10. Hurt Haruna or try to take advantage of her in any way, shape or form, and I'll hunt you down and make you regret ever being born. I mean it. Despite all her flaws, she's still my second best friend, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for her.
Except that thing you're thinking about, you pervert.
Addendum:
11. Tell Haruna what I told you in the first part of Rule 10, and I'll hurt you even worse.
What If Negi was Raised in a Nudist Colony?- by Shadow Crystal Mage
"And that it why the fashion industry is evil and must be stopped!" Negi said, concluding his lesson.
Everyone in class stared at him.
"Um, sensei, all I asked is if you were all right, Ayaka said. She studiously avoided looking down. She was a proper woman, after all.
"How could I be all right while I wore the chains of oppression!" Negi cried, pointing at the remains of his green suit.
They couldn't help it. They looked down.
Misa, Ayaka and Haruna decided to shelve plans until Negi had been hit with a little growth hormone.
Evangeline realized her Springfield fantasies would be ruined for the next three years until puberty hit. All she could think of were pinky fingers
Makie thought it was cute.
What if Negi was Itoshiki's Son?
"I'm Negi Springfield, son of the Thousand Master! Glad to meet you, Sir!" the black haired boy with glasses holding the old wooden staff bowed formally to him.
Itoshiki Nozomu stared, startled, at the boy, who was an exact lookalike of his nephew Majiru, but in a dark green Western suit. And a miniature version of pretty much every male in the Itoshiki clan.
Classes 2-A and 2-F looked back and forth between the man and the child, with huge eyes and aghast expressions. All but Evangeline, who just stood apart facepalming and muttering, "So much for that escape plan..."
Itoshiki-sensei cringed, twitched in place, and then buried his face in a hand. "I'm in despair," he whispered helplessly, before snapping his head angrily in Takahata's direction. "Why didn't you ever tell me this before?-!"
"I never had noticed the full resemblance, honest..." Takamichi answered, sounding as straight as he could.
Chiri's grip on her spade tightened. "I'd like to hear the story behind this, Sensei..."
He slumped his head down. "Arika Hime-sama was just too much of a kind person, willing to grant any poor young soul at least a glimpse of Paradise..."
Negi blinked. "Ah?"
"It was a cold night as well, and we were lost, Ala Rubra missing somewhere in the infinite battlefields..."
"I beg your pardon?" Negi asked again.
"She saw my sadness and fear, and gave me a comforting hug next to the campfire..."
"Okay, I think I really have things to do elsewhere," Natsumi began to walk away.
What If Unequally was a Zombie Apocalypse Story?
It started with a flash in the sky, and a ripple through the clouds. The hunger was what brought it here; and feed it did, until the Mahora Academy students, staff and acquaintances were no more. They were replaced by soulless monsters, driven only by an insatiable craving for human flesh.
This is no world of Ala Alba Heroes.
This is the world of... Unequally Rational and Emotional Zombies.
So this was how everything ended.
Karakuri Chachamaru stood alone on top of the hill of shattered bones, and for some reason, smiled softly.
The undead tended to ignore small animals, so at least the kittens would be okay.
It had taken her such a long time. But she had done it. Finally.
The last of the undead had been eliminated. There was nothing left to do.
She could rest at last. Not like she could do anything else. Hakase-san was long gone, and it was a wonder Chachamaru had lasted so long without her maintenance. Fortunately, she could wind herself up now, or else she wouldn't have lasted past a week.
How long had it been? Her data banks were all but deleted now. She could only remember caring after the kittens, and between that, killing, killing and killing. At first, she had the small but brave help of a group of Sempais she managed to rescue from the initial outbreak, she seemed to remember. What were their names again? Oh, yes. Komuro-sempai, Saeko-sempai, Hirano-sempai, Rei-sempai and Saya-sempai. And Shizuka-san, the school nurse. There were those Americans who passed by sometimes too, looking for Umbrellas, of all things. They had survived for a considerably long time, despite their lack of powers or superhuman abilities.
They had made Chachamaru proud.
How long had it been since then, again?
Ah. Yes. Forty years. Give or take a few months.
For the first time ever, Chachamaru thought she felt tired.
Her left arm had just fallen off. She had lost the right one thirteen years ago, fighting a zombie Negi-sensei. The day Hirano-sempai died.
She had fought all alone ever since.
And now, the task was done.
She congratulated herself, and relaxed under the warmth of the dying sun in the sunset.
"Negi-sensei," she whispered, closing her eyes and falling asleep one final time.
As the last sentient being on the planet died, the companion she never could noticed closed her eyes as well and kissed her forehead in respectful tribute.
Sayo was alone now, but she was too sad for the friend that never knew her to feel sad for herself
Sayo blinked as a black ring fell out of the sky. Then another. And another. Finally, it began to rain rings. Hello, what's ?
Earth...RISE!
What If the Decadent Ala Alba had Fallen in Unequally Mahora instead of 2814 Ala Alba?
(Adapted from Darkenning's and Shadow Crystal Mage's works).
All across Mahora, the demiplanes expanded, wrecking the buildings that contained them. Mayhem ensued, the lines of power around the city were altered by the changes to its structure, and a certain barrier, limiting the powers of a certain shinso vampire even further than the Infernus Scholasticus curse did, ceased to do so.
But there was one demiplane not hidden by the Mahora mage order. A great dark tower that exploded forth from the grounds of the academy, rearing up to challenge the World Tree itself, announcing that a new power had come into the world.
...
"What the heck was that?" almost everyone in Negi's room chorused.
Negi didn't say it, but he was clearly thinking it as he froze in place and spewed out his climax into Nekane's vulva.. Nekane didn't say it either; whatever she might have thought was known only to her as she lay on her back, staring up at absolutely nothing.
"Guys, I think we might have a situation, here, Yuna said as she looked out the window. "Maybe we should—"
She couldn't even finish the sentence. Out of nowhere, a new, very powerful, blast of some unknown energy hit the whole room, and Yuna felt the something piercing through her mind like a knife and knocking her into quick unconsciousness, a rainbow of colors burned into her eyes before darkness descended...
...
In a quiet little part of the woods surrounding Mahora, a teenage boy and a very busty girl suddenly appeared out of thin air, having just embarked on a Light Novel-spanning misadventure involving time-travel, multiple versions of himself who'd jumped to where he'd jumped, multiple versions of the girl to help with said jumping, a talking cat, and a copy of a girl's love manga that had to be prevented from falling in the wrong hands, or it would have led to look, stuff happened, it's not important.
These two now walking away in their own little brand of sexual tension are completely unimportant to the things that are to come, except for one little thing that they helpfully provide, which is a decent transition point. Seriously, those things are worth gold.
Were this a more visual medium, we'd have a montage of the sun and moon chasing each other across the sky as clouds moved like steam and the trees shuddered like jackhammers, or maybe pages falling off a calendar to indicate the passage of time. As it is, the best we can say is that time passed.
At the point where the boy and the girl had emerged several days and a few lines ago, rainbow light began to sparkle.
Suddenly, the rainbow effect burst outwards, creating a bright, shimmering sphere of energy, and there was a sudden explosive rush of air as a crapton of sucked-in gas was violently released outward. A couple of nearby threes actually cracked and were thrown back at the sudden blast, while countless others bent and swayed away, some having their positions permanently shifted as branches broke, their snapping like an impromptu fireworks display. Tons of random paper towels, discarded clothes, at least three futons and several blankets, much of Negi's magical trinkets, a kotatsu table, a TV, and a few assorted sex toys came flying out through the gale before a screaming naked boy and his naked companions (an Ostian Princess, a gunslinger, a rich heiress, a half asleep scientific genius, a stunned blond young woman, a ninja, a bodyguard holding an Oujo, a hacker and a mercenary) where flung from the portal.
...
Meanwhile, back with Nutmeg-chan, her nice quiet day had just gone down the crapper.
"Unknown magical outburst still rising!" her fellow bridge bunny Yoriko said.
"Temperature dropping rapidly!" her other fellow bridge bunny Nene said
"Magical signature identified!" Nutmeg cried as the complicated spell-grams and electron-spirits finished processing through the memory banks. "We have a match! Nearly perfect corroboration with–" She looked at the name and choked, her eyes bulging.
"Megumi-kun?" Seruhiko, their superior that day, said. "What is it?"
Nutmeg continued to choke, her eyes bulging as the older man began to walk towards her.
"We have visual!" Nene announced. "Bringing it up now!"
Then all of them stood aghast.
"Oh, shit, Seruhiko finally said.
"I want a leave for the rest of the day," Yoriko asked.
"I don't know why, but suddenly, somehow, I'm feeling very happy I'm an only child, Nene said.
Nutmeg blinked. "Negi-sensei's smaller than I'd have expected..."
Everyone else in the room looked at her.
For once, the shy girl only snorted. "As if you weren't thinking the same thing."
What If Lex Luthor Supported Mahora Academy?
Negi frowned as he looked at the first English lesson he was supposed to give.
"Aliens with freakish powers who fly around in their underwear are generally bad", he read aloud in English. A few blinks. "I don't think this is quite fitting for a starting lesson in the language..."
Asuna pointed an accusing finger at him. "ALIEN SUPPORTER! ALIEN SUPPORTER! BETRAYER TO THE HUMAN RACE!"
What If J. Jonah Jameson Supported Mahora Academy?
Negi frowned as he looked at the first English lesson he was supposed to give.
"Are masked outlaw freaks with sinister spider powers heroes or menaces?", he read aloud in English. A few blinks. "I don't think this is quite fitting for a starting lesson in the language..."
Asuna pointed an accusing finger at him. "CRIMINAL SYMPATHIZER! CRIMINAL SYMPATHIZER! YOU ARE UNFIT TO TEACH IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNGSTERS!"
What If The Lifemaker Supported Mahora Academy?
Negi frowned as he looked at the first English lesson he was supposed to give.
"Nagi Springfield, nefarious leader of the evil and cruel Ala Rubra gang, was a murderous, merciless and also stupid bandit and genocidal monster who married a tyrannical slut named—", he read aloud in English. A few blinks, and his face grew freakishly pale. "I don't think this is quite fitting for a starting lesson in the language...!"
Asuna pointed an accusing finger at him and began to open her mouth to yell at him, but Ayaka knocked her out from behind. As she and the rest of the class began to sing La Resistance in support to him, Negi felt moved, but then paused and said, "You know, 'Blame Cosmo Entelecheia' somehow doesn't have quite the same ring to it as 'Blame Canada...'"
What If Stephenie Meyer Supported Mahora Academy?- by Shadow Crystal Mage
Negi frowned as he looked at the first English lesson he was supposed to give.
"Twili–" Abruptly, he realized what he was about to read, screamed as if his fingers had caught fire and threw the book out the window. The class cheered.
"Ahem, " he said, composing himself and drawing out another book. " Class, due to catastrophic accident, we will be discussing instead these more sane, family friendly pieces. By tomorrow, please have a copy of the Necronomicron, Cupcakes, Agony In Pink, My Immortal and Decadent Habits…"
What If Darkenning Supported Mahora Academy?- by Shadow Crystal Mage
Negi frowned as he looked at the first English lesson he was supposed to give.
" "There's something I have to ask you, " XXXX said hesitantly. He was well aware that that was starting this conversation off in what had to be one of the worst of all possible ways…" he read aloud in English. A few blinks. "I don't think this is quite fitting for a starting lesson in the language..."
"LISTEN TO THE MAN!" Asuna cried, pointing at Negi desperately.
"Hush, you," Haruna said, grinning.
What If OverMaster Supported Mahora Academy?- by Shadow Crystal Mage
Negi frowned as he looked at the first English lesson he was supposed to give.
"You can go in without any fear, Hasegawa-san. There's nothing wrong in there…" he read aloud in English. A few blinks. "I don't think this is quite fitting for a starting lesson in the language... It feels vaguely incestous…"
Everyone in class turned to looked at Kageyama Yamiko.
"What?" the writer said. "I didn't write it…"
What If Shadow Crystal Mage Supported Mahora Academy?- by Shadow Crystal Mage
Negi frowned as he looked at the first English lesson he was supposed to give.
"Um, does anyone know what's so important about the number 2814?" he asked.
What If Ala Iridia Supported Mahora Academy? - by Shadow Crystal Mage
The whole school was shut down due to rampant public indecency, corruption of minors, more incest than happens in Germany in a year, pony bestiality, and harboring wanted fugitives. Negi instead got a job somewhere called Ohtori…
What If The Joker supported Mahora Academy?
Negi looked at his class and blinked. "Why... Why are you all wearing clown makeup?"
Shizuna rasped uneasily. "Well, all these girls are the adoptive daughters of one of our most influential financial backers, one Mr. Joseph Kerr from America. And their family... tends to favor that look."
"Ah," Negi said, blandly.
Classes followed a more or less normal course after that, other than that frequent tendency of Bat-costumed vigilantes to drop into the classroom at random times to have major fight scenes with the girls.
What If You Were Too Slow, and You Need to Come On and Step It Up?- by Cygnus
"Misora-san, please stop messing with the titles, Negi insisted.
"But come on, nobody plays Sonic in Japan!" Misora countered. "How did you catch that?"
"Of course I could catch that," Negi countered. "I'm European."
What If Chisame and Hakase were Dead?
Negi began banging on the door. "Aisaka-san! Please, Aisaka-san, help me!"
His long haired, black haired, next door neighbor and student peeked out rubbing her eyes, full of cobwebs. Her feet were bare, and she was wearing a long light blue night dress.
"Oh? Oh, Negi-sensei!" she noticed. "Welcome! How can I help you?"
"There are two girls in my room!" the boy cried.
Sayo sighed. "You men shouldn't complain about things like that..." Darn it, I'm going to die a virgin!
"I think they're ghosts!" Negi shivered.
Aisaka Sayo blinked in shock. "Aren't you supposed to be a wizard? Why would you be afraid of some ghosts?"
Very recently, after having her clothes sneezed off and then being saved from a surely fatal fall by her new teacher, Sayo had learned he was an actual magic user. Being a kind, gentle girl, she had taken it in stride, thanked him profusely, and didn't even mind too much when he sneezed her clothes off again. At least she was getting naked with a boy somehow.
"W-We all have our weaknesses!" the child cried. "And I haven't undergone enough Character Development yet!"
Sayo hummed. "Well, if it's the room next door, those must be Chisame-chan and Satomi-chan."
Negi gasped. "You know those ghosts?-!"
"I have a sensitivity towards spirits. I should've guessed you'd have it too, being a mage. Actually, there are thirty ghosts in my class; they're the spirits of a whole classroom who died during the American bombardments of World War II. Don't mind them too much: they're harmless, although Eva-chan loves to brag and boast about how evil and powerful she was..."
"They are from the Forties?" Negi asked. "B-But one of them grabbed the laptop my sister gave me and began using it!"
"Chisame-chan has grown fond of computers over the decades," Sayo explained.
"And the other one said she could update it to a robot!"
"Satomi-chan is a genius with decades of expertise. That's no surprise."
Negi sobbed. "Can... Can I sleep with you... Only tonight, please? I-I don't know if I— if I—"
Sayo exhaled and gestured into her apartment. "You're welcome." Yes, yes, YES!
"Oh, thank you so very much... GAH!-!-!"
"Ah, that's Kazumi-chan. Don't be afraid, she won't hurt you..."
"Wh-Wh-Why isn't she wearing any clothes?-!"
"That's something concerning only us older girls, Sensei..."
What If Unequally ran Merrie Melodies?
(Yes, this musical number has been adapted from The Looney Tunes Show, thanks for asking).
(Scene opens in an alien disco, with Chao dancing in the foreground, with Uatu the Watcher, Zarbon, Dodoria, Lala Satalin Deviluke, Aisha Clan Clan, G'Nort and Despero dancing in the background).
Every time you see me, you Earthlings turn and run.
I don't know what your problem is.
I'm really super fun.
(Cut to Dynamis working as the party's DJ, while a stonefaced Homura, Koyomi, Tamaki, Shirabe and Shiori serve as go-go dancers behind Chao).
I'm a Martian!
Chisame, spare me your snark.
(Cut to Chisame watching the video on her laptop and closing it angrily).
I'm a Martian!
Eat my dust, Tony Stark.
(Tony Stark is working inside a cave with a box of scraps. Suddenly, the cave blows up. A stoic Chachamaru stands besides the explosion holding a detonator).
Come over to my party
(Negi walks over to a Gateport under a huge sign reading 'TO MARS', happily).
It's not that long a quest.
(Tertium appears out of nowhere and rams his big stone spear into Negi from behind. No, not THAT WAY!).
You'll be glad you made the journey
for my Mahorafest.
I like sharing Nikkuman.
You see, I'm not so bad.
(Satsuki and Ku Fei eating Nikkuman, then giving a thumbs up for the camera).
Do you like little ermines?
(Chao holds an ermine for the camera).
I make them in my lab.
(Pan out, and we see several mages being turned into ermines behind Chao).
I'm a Martian!
You better pay your dinner's bill.
A Martian!
Or you're getting a chill pill.
(Eva sits cross legged eating Nikkuman aloofly. Behind her, Cosmo Entelecheia is trapped in a giant block of ice).
My name's Chao, I'm a Martian!
(Chao points up triumphantly, the camera zooming under her skirt giving a literally glowing Panty Shot).
La-la-la-la-le-la-la-lee-lee-lo
Let's share a Nikkuman.
(Chao holds a Nikkuman for the camera).
And talk about our feelings.
(Several red hearts flutter around with little Negis in diapers with angel wings flying between them).
But don't dare to foil my plan.
'Cause then I'll hit the ceilings.
(Chao's eyes glow red).
I've got a Catellite!
(Chachamaru holds a cat shaped gun while the Catellite hovers over her).
And it's pointed at your planet.
(Shot of Earth).
It's my Catellite!
So don't take me for granted.
I'm a Martian!
Boom-shaka-laka
I'm a Martian!
Shaka-laka...boom.
(Earth explodes).
GAME OVER
Evangeline (holding a controller, staring blankly at the screen): "... This Space Invaders remake really sucks. I'm glad it's just a rental..."
Chachamaru (dutifully): "More iced tea, Master?"
What If Negi had Never Lost his Parents?
Chisame looked up at the ceiling and sighed. She was half asleep at that point, but the loud creaking of the bunk below still was enough to keep her stubbornly awake.
"Are you two going to keep that going all night long again?" she droned, keeping her hands firmly grasped over the blissfully sleeping Negi's ears.
Twin grunts coming from below were her only answer.
"I mean, I can accept your son had to follow what that diploma told him to do," Chisame muttered, trying to ignore how Hakase, the former owner of the lower bunk, snuggled against her from Negi's opposite side. "And I understand you two, being responsible parents, wouldn't let him come alone, especially after what happened to your village. But—"
"Ah. Ah, ah, ah, ah ah!" Arika's voice began a frantic stacatto.
"All I'm saying is, the Dean should have gotten you a small house of your own or something. Itoshiki-sensei has one, and he lives alone. So does Akashi's dad..." Chisame went on.
Nagi let out a low long moan that made Chisame cringe.
Then, there was only silence after a few tender 'I love you's. And Chisame breathed easy once more. "Finally..."
Her eyes wandered to the window, and she grimaced again.
Both Matoi and Evangeline were looking into the room intently. Yet again.
If it had been only Tsunetsuki, she'd have closed the curtains on her face, but Eva...
Jiiiiiiiiiiiii... sounded Matoi's stare.
Jiiiiiiiiiiiiiii... sounded Evangeline's stare, a lot darker and fiercer.
Chisame whimpered helplessly and somehow managed to sleep for a few hours.
What If Unequally was an Over Master Self Insert Fanfic?
It would suck. And let's never talk about that again.
What If Unequally Akashi-Sensei was a Complete Bastard?
Negi blinked, looked at the smiling dark-haired student holding the baby in her arms, then looked at the class roster again.
Takamichi had written under Akashi Yuuna's name Allowed to bring her baby son to classes. Please never ask about her father.
Without even suspecting why, Negi felt compelled to cringe...
What If Unequally Saotome Ranma was a Complete Bastard?
Negi blinked, looked at the smiling black-haired student with glasses holding the baby in her arms, then looked at the class roster again.
Takamichi had written under Saotome Haruna's name Allowed to bring her baby son to classes. Please never ask about her father.
Without even suspecting why, Negi felt compelled to cringe...
What If Unequally Konoe Eishun was a Complete Bastard?
Negi blinked, looked at the smiling black-haired student with large innocent eyes holding the baby in her arms, then looked at the class roster again.
Takamichi had written under Konoe Konoka's name Allowed to bring her baby son to classes. Please never ask about her father.
Without even suspecting why, Negi felt compelled to cringe...
The next day, one Chizunu Masuto, aka Over Master, was found dead with heavy sword wounds all over his body. They could never prove Setsuna was guilty...
What If Unequally Kaname Madoka was a Complete Bitch?
Negi blinked, looked at the smiling pink-haired student holding the baby in her arms, then looked at the class roster again.
Takamichi had written under Sasaki Makie's name Allowed to bring her baby son to classes. Please never ask about her mother.
Without even suspecting why, Negi felt compelled to cringe–
Then he blinked again. "Wait, how would that even work?"
Random cut to Kyubey's face. Well, it was HER wish...
What If Unequally Konoe Konoemon was a Complete Bastard?- by Darkenning
Negi blinked, looked at the smiling black-haired student with large innocent eyes holding the baby in her arms, then looked at the class roster again.
Takamichi had written under Konoe Konoka's name Allowed to bring her baby son to classes. Please never ask about his father. Please please never ask. I am drunk while writing this, but not drunk enough.
Without even suspecting why, Negi felt compelled to cringe...
What If Unequally Aizen was a Complete Bastard?- by Shadow Crystal Mage
The Bleach subplots continued as normal.
All as Planned...
What If Unequally Celestia was a Complete Bitch?- by Shadow Crystal Mage
The Ariadne teacher blinked, looked at the smiling purple unicorn with large innocent eyes with the foal next to her, then looked at the class roster again.
Under Twilight Sparkle's name was Allowed to bring her foal to classes by royal decree.
Because everyone knows unicorn horns release magic unicorn mayonnaise...
What If Unequally Takahata was a Complete Bastard?
Negi blinked, looked at the smiling students who stared with dreamy eyes at him. All of them were holding babies in their arms. Only the girl named Evangeline and the girl named Chachamaru were carrying no infants. The young teacher looked at Evangeline, as if making a silent question to her, but the tiny blonde only smirked evilly and shrugged her shoulders.
Then Negi eyed at the class roster again.
Dean Konoemon had written at the bottom of the two-page portrait spread 3-A is allowed to bring their baby children to classes. Please never ask about their fathers. If you're asked about Takahata's current whereabouts, simply tell them we still haven't been able to locate him.
Without even suspecting why, Negi had a feeling he'd never see Takamichi again...
In his office, Dean Konoe hummed softly, writing letters and grading special papers all day long.
A tall man's body slowly rotted down six feet deep under his chair...
What If Shiori had been Asuna?
"Say that again," a still-incredulous, wide-eyed Misa asked.
Negi sighed and repeated his words. "This girl, he pointed at the shy looking young woman sitting on the edge of Hakase's bunk, looking downcast and horribly embarrassed, "is named Shiori, although her actual birth name was Luna. This whole year, starting a few months before I began teaching you, she has been replacing Asuna-san, using her magical skills to pose as her."
A horrified Misa and Misora gasped aloud. Even Cocone swallowed hard, in silence.
"H-How did you learn that?" Misora asked.
"Today, we were attacked in the woods by an 'Orphan', Negi explained. Chisame-san, Kuga-san here and I couldn't defeat it alone, so Chamo urged me to make a Pactio with Asuna-san. However, as soon as we did it, I got this card instead of Asuna-san's."
He held up a Pactio card with Shiori's picture on it. More gasps followed.
"Where's the real Asuna-san?" Cocone questioned.
"It seems she has been kidnapped and taken away to Mundus Magicus, the world of mages, where she's being held captive in preparation for a world destroying ritual scheduled to happen in a few months. This girl had conditioned herself to believe she was the actual Asuna, so even if her mind was read, no one would learn the truth. But it seems the kiss broke her self-hypnosis. Now she says she wants to help us, but I don't believe her," Kuga Natsuki said, never mind the fact Shiori was right next to her.
"I really want to do it..." Luna whispered sadly.
Natsuki huffed and addressed Chao specifically. "Now you see why I called you here! Even your plan is less important than this!"
Chao nodded slowly. "Yes. If Cosmo Entelecheia wins, all my efforts will be for naught."
"What do you mean?" a confused Misa asked.
Hakase adjusted her glasses. "Ah. So the Mahorafest project is cancelled?"
"For now, at least!" Chao stood up and clenched a fist, smiling. "Right now, our main goal must be to go to Mundus Magicus... and rescue Asuna from her Fate, ne?-!"
Chisame winced. "For some reason, I have a horrible feeling we just aren't ready yet..."
What If Chisame was in a Wheelchair?
"Negi-sensei, these are going to be your roommates until we can find you a place of your own, Shizuna said. "Hasegawa Chisame-san, Hakase Satomi-san, Signum-san, Vita-san and Shamal-san."
"Ahem," the little girl with red hair patted their huge dog's head as if to make a point.
"Oh, I'm sorry. And Zafira-san," Shizuna amended quickly.
Negi blinked, silently wondered how they all would fit into such a small apartment, and ended up bowing respectfully. "Pleased to meet you all..."
Chisame groaned. Great, another weirdo being stuffed into her life. At least this one didn't seem to be magical...
Negi's first Pactio was with a Book. Don't ask.
What If the Orphan hadn't shown up in Chapter Twelve?
Negi came back from the woods with a small satisfied smile. Ahhhh, now he felt relieved. He briefly checked his clothes to see if they were dry now, but much to his frustration, they were still damp.
Mana gestured for him to re-take his position on Shiho's lap. "Come closer, Sensei. You'll freeze to death there."
Still uncomfortable, Negi obeyed, sitting between the legs of the smaller, red haired Miko. The dozed girl made tiny contented sounds as her arms wrapped themselves around him from behind. "Nii-chan..."
Negi sighed and tried to fall asleep again, but then Shiho's soft, restless hands moved lower. He bit his lower lip, restraining a muffled scream.
"Nii-chan, Shiho wants to mmmmake you happy..." the apprentice's hands squeezed tighter. Negi made an agonized sound and shivered madly.
Mana looked down, lifting an eyebrow aloofly. "Oh? Why, Sensei... It can already grow...?"
Very early the next morning, Negi sprang up to his feet, gulping as he saw the three weary figures marching through the forest. "H-H-Hasegawa-san! Hakase-san! Kasuga-san!" he called. "Are you okay?"
Chisame looked up with wide eyes. "Sensei! Thank God you're..." her voice died down, her jaw falling.
A befuddled Satomi finished for her, "... Cuddling up naked with Tatsumiya-san and... who are you, exactly?"
Shiho only gurgled happy sounds incoherently.
Misora started to try and rip her own eyes out.
Mana yawned. "You spent the whole night looking for this little runaway under the rain, didn't you? Men. I don't know why we put up with them... Wait, now I remember, never mind. Wait there and take those wet things off or you'll die from cold. Shiho and I will make a hot coffee for you, and then we can take a good hot bath..."
She wasn't charging them anything, Hakase noticed. She had to be in an unusually good mood...
Three days later:
"And so, I decided you were right after all, Onii-chan," Shiho smiled cutely, blushing and dragging a foot before Tate. "We're better off as simple childhood friends!"
The tall boy blinked, surprised, before smiling and nodding. "Glad to see you finally understand, Shiho. What changed your mind after all this time?"
Shiho rasped roughly, blushing and looking down. Then she excused herself and ran back to where Mana, her new kid teacher, and three classmates of hers were waiting for her.
As they walked off, Tate scratched his head and wondered what had all that been about.
Then he shrugged it off and went his own way, whistling to himself.
What If Haruna, Nodoka and Yue were Sisters?
"Sensei, this is our father, Saotome Ranma," Haruna announced.
"This is my mother, Tendo Kasumi," Nodoka added. Well, she was well behaved, kind, sweet and polite, just like Nodoka-san. And Nodoka-san had, it seemed, taken her name from her late grandmother. All of that made sense.
"This is my mother, Tendo Nabiki," Haruna continued. Well, she was smart, sharp tongued, a bit scary and very take charge, just like Haruna-san. That made full sense, too, Negi told himself again.
"And this is my mother, Tendo Akane, Yue finished. Well, the similarities weren't that evident there, but Akane-san was mostly selfless, very determined, a bit on the Deadpan Snarker side, and rather... modest sized, just like Yue-san. It made sense, as well.
And yet, Negi couldn't help thinking something felt a tad off about everything.
For once in an Over Master snippet, despite Haruna being involved, and despite all the canon Les Yay between Nodoka and Yue, the three sisters never committed incest even once in their lives.
The reviews were harsh. "He's losing his touch."
What If Unequally Batman was Superman?
Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! Able to leap tall buildings in a single leap!
Yes, he's (the) Batman! The last survivor of doomed planet Krypton, baby Kal-El was found by Gotham City millionaires Thomas and Martha Wayne, who named him Bruce and raised him lovingly until a thief fatally shot them when Bruce was only eight years old! After vowing to avenge his parents' murder, and then discovering his amazing superhuman powers upon puberty, Bruce took the never ending battle for Truth, Justice, and the This-is-my-city-stay-out-of-it Way, as (the) Batman!
Lesson 31: The Naked Spy
But before he could reach the corridor, she pulled another charm out. "Charm-san, Charm-san! Hold my enemy for me!"
With that, the paper pieces formed a few invisible strings in the air, wrapping themselves at amazing speed around the ankles and wrists of the caped man, twisting around with Killer Croc-esque strength, making him drop the girl onto the floor, where she stirred and blinked before falling asleep again.
"Oh, ho ho ho!" the woman laughed, picking Konoka back up into her arms. "Then you are nothing but a human with fancy weapons, after all! What a disappointment! You're nothing to even the lowest of mag—"
Then he cut her in mid-sentence, lobotomizing her with a precise shot of heat vision to the brain.
Unfortunately for Chigusa, years of living in the kinda crapsacky, all too insane world of Unequally had turned (the) Batman into Justice Lord Superman... I mean, Batman.
With a touch of Superdickery as well, so he shortly after married her to her own monkeys. Then he crowned himself Bat-Pope and ruled over Kyoto.
Now that you have read this, you are under the control of the Bat-Anti-life Equation. All hail the Bat-Pope of the Bat-God! BATS FOR THE BAT-GOD!
What If the Baka Rangers were Five Different People?
Cue Heroic Fanfare.
We may be out of continuity,
But we won't show fragility.
We may be nothing but a joke segment.
But our butt kicking is simply excellent.
GO! GO! BAKA RANGERS! Struggling hard with homework!
Don't ever blame us, the writer is a dork!
GO! GO! BAKA RANGERS! Chiu and the Prof took over the plot!
But who cares? We got a giant robot!
GO! GO! BAKA RANGERS! No matter who loses or wins
At least we're not the Narutaki twins!
GO! GO! BAKA RANGERS! PUTTING ALL EVILDOERS TO REST!
GO! GO! BAKA RANGERS! SAVING THE WORLD, BUT FAILING THE TEST!
"Always ready to fight! For the Saotome School and the Spring of Drowned Man! Baka Red!" Saotome Ranma jumped in and posed heroically, clad in form fitting red tights.
"To punish all perverts! Mommy Loving Bad Girl Supreme! Baka Black!" Yuuki Nao jumped in and posed heroically, clad in form fitting black tights. Then her cellphone rang and she stood aside, answering the call quickly.
"I'll burst your teeth off! For the love of the adorable Tenma-chaaaaaan! Baka Blue!" Harima Kenji jumped in and posed heroically while crying thick streams of Manly Tears, clad in form fitting blue tights.
"All day and night long, waiting for immigration papers! Never wearing underwear! Baka Amarilla!" Seikutsu 'Maria' Taro jumped in and posed heroically, clad in form fitting yellow tights. Unlike all her teammates, she wasn't wearing boots, keeping her feet bare.
Kasuga 'Osaka' Ayumu smiled dumbly, clad in form fitting, so not very flattering, pink tights. She was looking at a few flies that flew around, following their capricious flight with the utmost attention.
Bakas Red, Blue and Yellow all rasped loudly. Baka Black was still too entranced by her call.
Osaka only turned her gaze to her teammates after a long while. "Yes?" she asked.
"You aren't even posing!" Ranma told her.
"Ah! Is it time already? You should have told me, I haven't even dressed for—" she looked down at herself. "Oh, yes, I did. I forgot. Ah, ah..." She posed copying a Sailor Moon pose. "I'll exterminate evil! Flying with Chiyo's pigtails! Baka Pi—"
The segment finished all of a sudden, its scheduled weekly time over.
To Be Or Not to Be Continued...
Makie's voice (coming from offscreen): Ah! So it doesn't only happen to me!
What If Unequally Sailor Mercury was Mizuno Ami?
Sailor V Says!
"Hello, I'm Sailor Venus, also known as Sailor V!"
"And I'm Sailor Mercury, also known as Mizuno Ami!"
"Akira, how many times do I have to tell you? Don't reveal your real name to the audience!"
"But Minako-chan, I'm Ami!"
"Oh! Oh, that's right. Sorry, I spoke out of habit. We're doing the 'What If Ami-chan were Sailor Mercury?' bit. Sorry, it's hard to say at times since this is a written medium and these segments have no descriptions..."
"Don't worry, I understand. It's strange, don't you think? To think I could ever be a Sailor Senshi..."
"Definitely. It wouldn't leave you any time to study..."
"Yes, I don't think I could do it..."
"Ha ha ha ha, no, not ever...!"
"The world would have to be crazy!"
"Ha ha ha ha!"
"Ha ha ha ha!"
"Do you think we've done enough Lampshade Hanging already?"
"I believe so, yes."
"Good! Then, our moral for this chapter is 'No matter how impossible or ludicrous it may seem, it can happen if you try hard enough'! And if you leave Shadow Crystal Mage-sama enough time to write."
"That's a very good moral, Minako-chan!"
"I don't know any Minako. I'm Sailor Venus."
"Oh, right. I'm sorry, I guess that's another reason why I couldn't ever be a Sailor Senshi."
"I thought we had agreed to cut on the Lampshade Hanging, Ami."
"Yes, I'm sorry about that as well. By the way, if I'm Sailor Mercury for this chapter, where does that leave Akira-chan?"
"I think she's a mermaid or something."
"A mermaid?"
"Yeah. A soulless dweller of the depths, dragging men into their deaths by drowning with her alluring songs."
"Oh my God, that's horrible!"
"But she only does that Mondays to Fridays. Weekends, she just goes to the karaoke and picks boys up. Well, basically, it's the same thing, but... on land."
"I'm suddenly very happy I normally have a reduced role..."
"Yeah, maybe that should be the real moral for this whole thing..."
"Be happy with what you have?"
"No. The less work you have to do, the better!"
"... Thank God no actual children ever watch this show."
"Fanfic, Mercury-chan! Fanfic!"
What If Negi and Mana had a Child?
From the Files of Uatu the Watcher, Cosmic Overviewer of the Secrets of the Universe and He who Watches You All in The Shower Every Day, and You Can't do Anything About It
Full Name: Tatsumiya Rally Springfield.
Known Aliases: Thousand Bullets, The Gunsmith Kunoichi, The Busty Loli Typhoon.
Alignment: Lawful Neutral.
Religion: Shinto.
Sexuality: Actually, still too young to know or care.
Family: Negi Springfield (Father), Tatsumiya Mana (Mother), Nagi Springfield (Paternal Grandfather), Arika Anarchia Entheofushia of Vespertatia (Paternal Grandmother), Nekane Springfield (Paternal Aunt in the Second Degree), Jack Rakan (Maternal Grandfather- Unknown if this relation holds in the current universe), Tatsumiya Midori (Maternal Cousin).
Affiliations: None at all. She prefers working alone.
Background: During a particularly decadent 'strategy meeting' of Ala Alba to deal with the return of the murderous Alladia of Vespertatia, young Rally was conceived in a literally ground shaking coupling between prodigy mage Negi and expert mercenary Mana. Although her parents never married, the child was raised by both of them in an environment of love and care, although always filled with danger and outside threats.
Due to the circumstances, Rally was raised by her mother to become an expert gunslinger, although apparently she lacks the fine magical control of her father. She can perform a few basic spells if forced to, but her magical coordination and skill are rather on the poor side. However, secretly, the longtime friendly rival of her mother, Nagase Kaede, also trained her in the ways of Ninjutsu.
After her father vanished mysteriously when she was six, Rally's mother made several searches for him through the ensuing four years, until she disappeared herself. One year later, a strange woman approached Rally, telling her that, if she wanted to prevent her parents' death, she would need to travel to the past and eliminate a person in particular. The identity of such target is still unknown.
The stranger gave Rally a Cassiopeia watch virtually identical to those used by Chao Lingshen. With it, Rally set out to travel to what she believed to be the past. However, with the disappearance of her original timeline after several temporal jumps of Chao Lingshen herself and others, Rally is actually stuck mid-way into a temporal path to the current universe. Ironically, only time itself will decree if she actually can make it here.
Powers and Abilities: Rally is an expert user of all sorts of firearms, from small handguns to sniper rifles. She is an extremely accurate sharpshooter, both fast and skilled. Her signature weapon is a backpack-mounted mini-gun, illegal in 156 nations of Earth, and a present from her mother and her aunt Hakase. Her dual demonic heritage (half demon mother, Magia Erebea infused father) has lent her massive strength and stamina, allowing her to heal most wounds quickly, and to carry weaponry almost twice as big as herself.
Unlike her mother and cousin Midori, Rally has virtually no spiritual sensitivity, but she is well aware of all branches of the supernatural world known by mankind in her time. She is a good student and a quick thinker in battle.
Nagase's training has given her a fairly high range of ninja techniques and related knowledge, and although she favors long distance throwing weapons to direct melee, she is still fairly adept on the latter.
NEXT CHAPTER: The Kyoto Arc continues.
Be good.