Disclaimer: Edward's reaction to going back on the vegetarian diet is taken from Tales of Years: 1927 by Jessica314 here on FF.

Chapter 36: Bella–I'm Not Sure

I had ended up spending three nights at Edward's. There was a lot to talking and for the first time I learned the Edward beyond the topics of music, books, and school. He told me stories about his first years when it was just he and Carlisle. We sat in the living room, and the family each told me their story. Three days of seeing the real Cullens, and getting to know them in a different way humbled me. Esme had been right, of course. They were still them, still the Cullens that I had gotten to know over the last seven months, only more. They explained more about the rules of their kind, what had happened in Italy, what had been promised, and what entering their family would really mean. Although when it came to Italy, I had the suspicion that many of the details were left out. I was curious, but this time decided that maybe there was a good reason for the whitewashed version they shared, and didn't press it.

Mostly what I learned was that they hadn't blatantly lied as much as hidden certain aspects of themselves. And the more that they had acted their natural way around me, the more attached to them I became. This resulted from both a combination of having my gut feelings of them confirmed, and the past occasional feeling, as if they were being disingenuous, dissipate. As more information was shared, I found myself grateful–grateful that they hadn't asked me to take this all on in the beginning; grateful for their wisdom; grateful for their patience; and most of all grateful for their love.

During this process, something inside of me settled, became less hesitant, and thus whatever parts of me that had been held back lessened in turn. That wasn't to say my uncertainty about the whole truth was gone. It was overwhelming and simply a lot to take in. We were building trust, and not trust based on a feeling I couldn't name, but something much more tangible, much more concrete. After the third day, however, I was ready to be in Charlie's house and not feel like a slow poke, be self-conscious about my humanness, and feel conflicted about Edward. So, in the morning after breakfast, I shared them my desire to leave. They sure had given me a lot to think about.

"I understand your need to leave, Bella, and that you need time to yourself. I will respect your request. I'm just going to miss you terribly," Edward had confessed.

A part of me wanted to comfort him, to sacrifice what I needed for his sake, but both Esme's advice about honesty and Sue's advice about a man needing to know what a woman needs and wants stopped me from acting on that part of me. Instead, I had smiled sweetly and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Come by tomorrow at your usual time so we can resume our studies, okay?" I told him.

"I will be counting every minute until I am with you again," was his response.

It was sweet and most likely truthful since the Cullens seemed eerily aware of time, except maybe Emmett. How much was a joke and how much was serious with Emmett was still beyond me.

Mostly over the days spent at the Cullens, true to his vow, Edward was unwaveringly honest with me. So much so that it was almost too much. His love, although not overbearing, was intense and obviously consumed him. I had wondered if that was normal for a cold one, but refrained from asking. I didn't regret my threat to him when I had snapped, per say, and had even considered apologising while I had laid in his arms that evening after the meadow, but hadn't uttered the words due to my fear that taking it back in any way would cause him to doubt my seriousness for honesty. Nevertheless, an apology was still in the cards, as I had, for sure, overreacted.

While doing mundane stuff at Charlie's like washing my clothes, cleaning the bathroom, and changing my sheets, I reflected over everything that had happened thus far. I had learned how much self-control Edward usually exhorted around me, not just physically, but in other ways. His vow of honesty had caused him considerate discomfort. It had been difficult for him to speak his thoughts aloud. Not to mention his siblings hid sniggers at times. Really he was a very private person. Nevertheless, he endured it all for my sake. It was the greatest testament to love I had ever witnessed.

Frankly, after watching his embarrassment, my feeling of regret asking him to vow such a thing had increased. I hated being embarrassed myself and thus felt for him each time. At the same time, I didn't know how to take it back, and although it was difficult for both of us, my hope was that it would be worth it in the end, and that Esme had been right: that a little hurt, and hopefully discomfort, was immeasurable in comparison to the rewards gained in return. It was only for a week after all.

Despite his increased transparency, I couldn't help wonder if he wanted more physically with me and was still being a gentleman. I was plainly aware that he was waiting for me to instigate any physical contact beyond holding me, but after realising that everyone in the house could hear our conversations, I decided to hold that question . One thing was certain. After three days of him nearly constantly touching me in some way, that the inner strength he had to not do so for seven month must have been herculean.

Although I had caught him looking longingly at my lips a few times, I had not instigated another kiss. The truth was our last one had terrified me. I had been honest when telling him that I didn't like my body acting without my permission. When he had dazzled me and then spoke, everything had faded away and all thought had been lost bar one: to give myself to him. The most disturbing part was that the desire for him had been so strong, and the want to give myself to him so irresistible, that in that moment even death would have been welcomed. He could have asked me to cut my wrist and offer it to him, and I would have willingly complied even understanding the end results of such an action. In the beginning, I had tried to fight it, but it was like a strong current pulling me towards him whether I wanted to go or not; resistance had been futile and that fact alone alarmed me.

The powerless feeling he had conjured within me confused me, as there had also been a strange part of me that had found it incredibly sexy. Everything, even my life, had been his for the taking. It was powerful and alluring. It spoke of sacrificial love, a Romeo and Juliet with a twist kind of thing. A part of me enjoyed the idea of my future being out of my hands, that I could offer it to someone else and they could bear the weight of that responsibility. The feeling itself, what it spoke to, and how my body had responded terrified me, though. It was heady and confusing.

The oddest part was that the powerless when Edward had dazzled me was a different kind than I had felt these past months. Rather than feeling lost and struggling, it felt as if I had come home. It was nearly as if he owned me body and soul, and that the sense of being owned by another was desirous. A part of me was repulsed by my own reactions. On top of that, I had no idea what to do about it. Hopefully with everything inside of me my feeling had been a side effect of his gaze. He said that everything about him was made to draw me in, to give myself willingly to him as a meal. And there had been that, some, but the sense that I was his had been even stronger when we had kissed.

The moments our lips had touched thought and body had reconnected; I had no longer been dazzled, but my body wanted him. If he had spoken at all, my brain had not registered his words. The only thing that penetrated was that we were no longer kissing, and I had moved back towards him. Our kiss was harsh and forceful. It spoke of his yearning and wantings. It sent sparks of desire throughout my body and all I needed in that moment was to have him. Desperately I wanted him to open his mouth and allow me to explore the inside deeper and deeper simply wanting more, but forcing him to do anything was as effective as budging a boulder. This created a still different feeling of powerlessness.

Sanity had only returned when he had fled. My fingers and arms had been a little sore from the sudden jerking movement, but that didn't compare to the soreness inside my whole being in having the distance between us. If he had felt anything like this and had kept his distance for seven months was incredible. If that had been the case, the man deserved a medal. Tears had begun to flow in part from the pain of our separation, in part from the fear that I might hurt him in some way, but mostly from simply being overwhelmed. It was only my second day knowing the truth and it was too much. The quantity and strength of emotions were too much in general, but specifically I had been overwhelmed by the multiple types of powerlessnesses that I had experienced in a short period of time. There was the effect of the dazzling that caused me to want to die so that he might be nourished; there was the hunger for him that I was powerless to fight; and then the pain of the distance between us that I was powerless to control.

When he had fled from me his first words sounded strange like a tamer trying to put an animal back into its cage and it had taken him forever to come to my side. Then later when looking into his eyes they had spoken of wanting and remorse and desire and love. In these things I began to see the true Edward–one part man, one part beast. Both excited me and drew me in and my reaction to both scared me. It was like the first two senses of powerlessness had combined to create a strong force acting against my will and any attempt to resist was counteracted by the third sense of powerlessness. If this was the case, did free will exist for me? Had I previously acted merely in line with these forces rather than truly considering what I wanted for my future?

My experience in the meadow with these forces was back dropped by these past seven months that had been spent swimming upstream in a current of information with everyone else sure they knew what was best for me until I had snapped. It had been too much for me to bear and my dream had been the straw to break the camel's back. Even still, I couldn't help but wonder without the dream of him saving me from the van how much longer would they have kept me in the dark? By Esme's own admission, they would have continued to do so until I had said something or asked something. The fact that they had left the whole thing to me, without cluing me in that they had done so, felt incredibly burdensome. Kind. Sweet. Thoughtful. Sacrificing. Deceitful. But mostly burdensome.

On the cliff I had decided that I didn't like the feeling of swimming upstream, that I was going to take ownership of my own life, that I was going to stand up for myself more, and that I was going to make my own way forward. To have that taken away, to have my whole body respond in the exact opposite of that, for a part of me to desire in that moment to give it all to him in a single gaze was humbling and bewildering.

Suddenly his wariness, his hesitancy, his distance made sense. He didn't want to have that be the connection between us. He wanted something more. He wanted me to love him as a woman would love a man. It all explained so much. The concept that he was a powerful creature able to get nearly anything he wanted floored me, yet even more incredible was that he didn't want to use that power against me. Instead he had been trying to hide everything but his humanity from me. I understood him so much better, and the reality of that information petrified me beyond reason. For the first time realization came to me that I was truthfully helpless against him. He could steal me out of my room in the middle of the night and bite me and not give me choice. And there was no longer any doubt in my mind by the third night that some part of him did wish to do that, desperately, as if his own very essence depended upon it. Simultaneous, his desire to hide his nature, to woo me, for me to see the man in him, to give me choice, and insist that I do what was best for me, despite the consequences to him, impressed me in equal measure to my fear.

Then there was what he had shared regarding cold ones only having one spouse. He had chosen me. If I said no, if I walked away from him, he would love no other. The weight of that reality hung heavy on me as if his future were lain in my hands. I mused if this heaviness of holding another's future was, in part, why he didn't want to dazzle me even accidently. If I choose him, freely, then he wouldn't have to carry that weight. Was there a way of acknowledging that he had chosen me, even before the accident, while not feeling burdened by his choice? My mind was unable to comprehend such things, so I had mentally put it aside.

The next day Jake called asking me to come over. It wasn't like I had forgotten about Jake. Quite the contrary. But things between Jake and I were fun, light, and easy. There weren't heavy thoughts around Jake or heavy thoughts about Jake. In fact, I could spend hours not thinking at all, just laughing and being silly. He had accepted me, as I was, memories gone and all without a pause. He was amazing actually. Charlie had been right. We were great friends. He was my one place were escape was possible. At times I wished to see him more, but being with him these past seven months was like his garage was a vacation from my real life–one filled with rehab appointments and tutoring. Even hanging out with Edward, well his courting of me from his perspective, had been filled with an unknown awkwardness that I couldn't name until the last three days with the Cullens.

Luckily Jake called me, otherwise I might have been a coward and avoided him. I didn't want to face having the conversation with him about all the things left unsaid between us, or face the kiss that we had exchanged the last time I had seen him. If there was some protocol about what happens after a kiss, no one had told me. Both times with Edward, we had moved on almost as if it hadn't happened. Was Jake's phone call because he expected something different after the kiss? I had no idea.

My desire to avoid facing Jake and the conversations needed to be had by us had me wonder if this was how Edward had felt all these months. It was easier to ask for the truth than to say it, especially when the truth was difficult. No wonder Edward had simply chosen to say nothing. But I wasn't going to do to Jake what Edward had done to me. He had been my shelter in my storm. He deserved better than that. So, I promised Jake Saturday.

After the phone call, as dinner cooked, my mind would not let go of Edward's statements in the meadow that Jacob was a good match for me, but he didn't like it. Jake seemed to represent for him everything he wanted to give me that being with him could never be achieved. With Jake I could bear children. My parents could be grandparents. I could be a grandparent one day. Being with Edward meant giving that up. But as I had said in the meadow, those were things that were important to Edward. The question that wouldn't leave me was: were those things important to me. Obviously, they hadn't been when I had agreed to marry Edward, but were they in this moment? There were no easy answers.

"How was it at the Cullens?" Charlie asked after we had started eating.

"It was really good, actually. Carlisle worked the evening shift, so I got to see him quite a bit as well."

"Sounds nice, Bells."

"It was."

"Um, Charlie, I was wondering … ummm … I was wondering …"

"It's okay, Bells, whatever it is, spit it out. I won't bite."

I giggled nervously. He might not, but I knew a whole group of cold ones that could. His words seemed oddly ironic given the past four days.

"Well, you see, I remember you telling me about the Cullens and the Quiluetes. And I remember you saying how you thought Edward was acting more mature than Jake. So, I was wondering, if maybe, um, you could say more about that?"

He looked at me calculating, as if attempting to understand my motivation.

"I'm just trying to figure some things out, Charlie. I need to make decisions about my future, you know. And I was curious of your opinion."

"You know that Dads never want their little girls to grow up, right?"

I chuckled and it dawned on me that his statement articulated the suffocating feeling I sometimes still felt around him. What a relief to have that confirmed.

"I've heard it on good authority that growing up is the process of life." I smiled at him.

He huffed. "Well, doesn't mean your old man has to like it."

"No, I suppose it doesn't." I smiled. My mind couldn't help but acknowledge that if I chose the Cullens as my future I would never experience what he was describing. The Swans would end with me.

"I don't know, Bells. I liked the idea of you being with Jake, of Billy and I being related, of you staying here in Forks, settling down, all that. But since almost losing you I realised that those were my dreams. I don't want to lose you, and I want you to stay close. But you can't live your life via my dreams. And I'd rather you alive and well and happy off gallivanting the world with Edward and going to a fancy school far away then be here and miserable. Do what you think will make you the happiest, Bells. I'll be your Dad no matter what."

I tried to keep my mouth shut and my eyes dry. Charlie was a man of little words and less emotion. His simply admission had touched my heart deeply and moved me tremendously. He really did love me, enough to let me go to follow my own heart and mind. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Throwing my arms around him I then quickly ran upstairs to my room letting us both escape from the awkwardness.

Saturday had been a great day at Jake's, but Sunday I had left his place with tears streaming down my face. First my arm hurt. Second my heart hurt. It had been an accident. There was no doubt about that. Jake didn't mean to hurt me, but that was the thing. Jake wasn't careful around me. He didn't treat me like glass like Edward did. I appreciated that about Jacob. It made me feel more like an equal with him. But my arm still hurt.

When Edward greeted me his eyes looked worried. Telling him that I was fine crossed my mind, but with his vow of honesty still hanging between us I reconsidered. And it was obvious that I was not fine.

"I need Carlisle," I told him instead.

"Sure, Bella," he responded.

Edward walked next to me. He seemed to be watching me.

As we came into the house Carlisle greeted me asking me if everything was all right. With their super-hearing it was a sure bet that he already knew that I wasn't. Thus, his question pissed me off, but before opening my mouth I realised that he was most likely just trying to make me feel comfortable. It was how they played human in order to make the humans feel less alien. Even still, I wished that they wouldn't do that. To keep with this whole honesty thing I probably should mention it one day. Not far behind Carlisle had been Alice.

"No," I answered Carlisle through gritted teeth. More tears began to fall.

Edward looked at me with such sadness as if my pain had become his pain.

Alice told me that Jasper needed her and she left in a flourish. I had looked in her direction and had nodded in understanding, although by the time I did so she was already gone, leaving me wondering where was the fire.

My only thought upon leaving Jake's had been to go to the Cullens in order to be comforted and safe. Carlisle's medical training only came in as a second thought.

Upon Carlisle's request, I explained that Jake and I had gotten into an argument and he had accidentally hurt me. Then suddenly Esme was there with a tissue. Despite the inhuman quality of the exchange, I preferred it. Carlisle went into doctor mode explaining that he needed to examine it, and recognizing my discomfort asked Esme to help me find a shirt that would be better suited for an examination than my long-sleeved shirt and sweatshirt. I followed her up to her room, and after her offering a few tops that she thought might work picked one. She helped me out of my clothing as moving my arm ached. Once I was dressed in a no-sleeve shirt we went back downstairs where Carlisle was waiting for us. Even I could see the bruises forming in a perfect handprint on my upper arm.

"I'm just going to check that there's no breakages or internal damage," he let me know.

"Okay," I answered and nodded my consent for him to begin his examination.

Edward stood right next to me.

"Let me know when it's tender," Carlisle instructed.

I nodded not trusting my voice.

He was very thorough. As he did things Edward seemed to be relaxing and I wondered if Carlisle had been mentally relaying what he found.

Finally he proclaimed, "Looks like it's just bruising." Then he turned to Esme and asked her to make me something warm to eat.

Looking at Edward my eyes asking him if he was coming with.

He shook his head slightly and looked like he needed a minute, so I followed Esme into the kitchen hoping that Carlisle would be able to offer Edward support.

I really wasn't that hungry, but Esme insisted and then pulled the 'doctors know best' card. I relented, especially since he could hear us, and knowing that listening was probably smart, especially to Carlisle, since I had never known him to be overprotective. She took out a can and warmed in on the stovetop. Soon the kitchen was full of delicious odours and my stomach liked the idea of some food.

Edward walked in. He looked frustrated. He put his hands on my arm cooling it.

Esme gave me the soup and kissed my cheek as she left the kitchen.

At the same time, Edward asked me, "Is this enough or do you want me to get an ice pack?"

His hands felt great and I told him so.

We talked about what to do next and decided on a movie. As we moved to the living room Edward carried the soup. I sat down on the couch and began eating while Edward found a movie both of us would enjoy. He sat down next to me in such a way that he could keep his hand on my arm as a natural coolant to help with the swelling. There was something about this moment. Something about Edward being so careful, sometimes more than I wished, helping me heal from an injury from Jacob who often forgot that I wasn't as strong as him.

I began to see that although both Edward and Jacob loved me, they loved me differently. They both were protective of me and cared for my safety, and they both thought that I'd be better off remaining human, but it ended there. Edward's expression of love was self-sacrifice and to put me first. He sometimes did what he thought was best for me rather than asking me, but his intention was to put what he believed to be in my interest first. Jacob's love was a more equal give and take. He would give me what I needed when asked, he was completely accepting of me, and treated me like I was one of the guys.

Not only would these two men give me different futures they would love me differently. I would be different with each of them. It was like the each represented a different side of me. The question therefore was not so much which man I loved more, but which part of me did I want to choose for my future. Certainly this didn't give me the answer I sought, but it did allow me to see what I was choosing more clearly. This awareness allowed me to settle into a sense of stillness that I couldn't remember having since awakening from the accident.

As usual, Edward was considerate of me, taking care of my dish, asking if I needed anything. It was a little annoying, actually.

"Hey, Edward?"

"Yes?" he sounded entirely too eager for just me saying his name.

"Do you think it would be okay if I spent the night? I really don't want to go through the hassle of hiding this from Charlie."

"Of course, Bella. You are always wanted here. Want to give Charlie a call?"

"Yeah."

He handed me his phone after putting in the number. Charlie picked up after the third ring.

"Hey, Charlie."

"Hey, Bells."

"Hey, I'm at Edward's house and I wanted to let you know I'm going to stay the night instead of driving home."

"You sure? I can pick you up."

"Nah. Thanks anyway. Alice always keeps spares here for me just in case."

"Okay, Bells. Call if you need anything."

"Will do. Night."

"Night."

I handed Edward back his phone.

"Can we go up to your bedroom and talk?"

"Sure." He looked like he was going to ask something and then paused.

I gave him a look and he seemed to be struggling to find the words, so I waited.

"I just was wondering if you wanted me to carry you."

It sure would be quicker. "Okay."

He picked me up and had me in his room before being able to really consider what I had agreed to. I wanted to know why that was so hard for him to ask. He had carried me like that earlier this week. Remembering how easily embarrassed he was about that kind of stuff, I added it to my list of things to ask him about when there were no listening ears.

I smiled at him. "You know Edward I really like going fast like that."

He smiled. "You know the first time I carried you, you almost fainted."

"I did not!"

He grinned widely. It was almost scary. "You did. You only liked the speed after I came back after Italy." His smile was gone. "Floor's yours, milady."

I noticed how quickly he had changed the conversation. Obviously Italy was still a sore spot for him, as he would inevitably change the topic as soon as it had come up. I debated wanting the full truth, but decided that wasn't a topic for right now. At the moment I would trust that he wasn't ready to talk about it.

"Well, I was thinking about how thoughtful you are about me and how you do what you perceive is best for me. I know that in some ways you have a lot more experience than I do, and I appreciate that about you, but sometimes I feel like you treat me as if I'm made of glass."

"You are as breakable as glass in comparison to me, Bella."

He took his hand and in it he had one of the metal flowers from the bed. He crushed the metal in one movement till it was in small shreds.

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not talking about physically. I know you're stronger than me. You don't need to destroy the furniture. I'm talking about you making decisions for me. This was my point about honesty. We needed to be more honest to one another, but there's more to it that that for me. I'm talking about you acting like I'm not your equal emotionally or mentally. I'm talking about you wanting to be a couple, but not treating me like one."

He threw the shreds against the wall and they made a sound like hail hitting a window. "How do I not treat you equally?" His tone indicating that he was genuinely bewildered.

I chalked his confusion up to another difference in the centuries in which we were raised, but pressed on. "Well, for instance, something was happening when I came to your place with your family. I know sometimes you need to communicate with them and take care of things faster than I can keep up. I don't expect you to not take care of what you need to. And the priority was making sure I didn't need more medical attention than Carlisle could provide here. I'm not challenging how you handled things in any way, but if we were an equal couple then at some point you would fill me in, holding nothing back."

He looked guilty and sad like I had just said that it was his fault that his team lost the national championship.

"I know you're just wanting to protect me, Edward, but you make decisions to protect me, to with hold things from me, without asking. This is what I meant by honesty, although I have greatly appreciated getting to know you better with all the other things this past week. If you asked if I wanted to know what happened, I could always say no, but when you decide on my behalf I feel like I'm being treated like I'm made of glass."

"I'm so sorry." He seemed to sound repentant.

"I forgive you. We're both learning. And I'm sorry about my threat at the meadow. I said it in anger. I know that we both will omit things and make mistakes, and that things will take time. Just so much in my life has been out of my control these past seven month, you know, and I want to take ownership of my life, not you and not Jake, me. Okay?"

His face was downcast as he told me, "Yes, I understand. In some part, I was raised one way and then you're asking me to do it different. Truly, I'm not trying to take control of your own life away from you. I was raised that it was a man's job to keep the women in his life safe, that women were delicate, and that it was best for their well-being if they weren't aware of the stresses of life."

I stared at him eventually speaking. "Yeah, I suppose that's true. I hadn't ever thought about how you were raised to treat a woman in that way. But I'm a 21st century girl. Some of the chivalry stuff is nice, but lots of it isn't going to work for me. There was women's lib for a reason, Edward."

He looked down and utterly lost.

I put my hand on his cheek and looked into his eyes. "It's okay. We're both learning here. We'll figure it out together and when we need we'll ask your parents or someone else for input. Okay?"

He nodded slightly saying nothing and looked thoughtful. "Do you want to know?"

I thought about it. "This time, yes, please. I just need the generalities though, unless there's something specific you think would be beneficial to tell me."

He looked like he was reviewing his memories and sorting through things before he spoke. "Jacob followed you here. Jasper asked him to please leave. He did shortly after."

"Why did he follow me?"

"I'm not entirely sure, but it would seem that he didn't like you leaving his place and coming here."

I nodded. Jake's dislike of Edward was obvious. "Thank you for telling me."

"You're welcome."

"Are there other things that you haven't filled me in on?"

"Plenty, but they would all belong under the category of other people's private thoughts." He looked sheepish waiting for what I would say.

Hopefully I could believe him, but didn't want to press the issue at the moment.

"Alright." I climbed into his lap pressing my injured arm into his chest hoping that the proximity would help give me courage. "I have a personal question to ask you Edward, but I will understand if you don't want to answer. So, if you don't want to, say no, okay."

"Okay …" he sounded defensive.

"Why did you stop being vegetarian?"

His eyes had multiple contradictory emotions at once. He looked like he was remembering something unpleasant.

I wrapped my arms around him. "Never mind, Edward. It's okay. You don't have to talk about it."

"I want to share everything with you, Bella. It's okay. It's just hard to talk about." He leaned into my hair and took a deep breath. "I was arrogant. I believed that Carlisle was holding me back. I thought that if I choose criminals to feed from that I would be immune from the guilt of killing. I wasn't."

"Was it hard to stop?" I wondered.

"Yes. It would be something like coming off a drug for a human. I had shakes in the beginning and for a long time I would see their faces like ghosts that haunted me."

Feeling bad for asking I leaned up and lightly brought my lips his cheek. He held a hesitant look as I came nearer to him that was perplexing. I lightly pressed my lips along his ear to his jaw as I then settled back down into my spot. Time passed and he seemed locked in whatever memories my question had conjured for him.

Taking my good arm I reached up so that my hand touched his face. The look in his eyes was nearly as strong of a pull as when he had dazzled me in the meadow. Except this was my fault. I wanted nothing more than to make whatever pain I had caused him to remember to go away. Warring with myself about being too forward, about giving him ideas about what I wanted from him, unsure about what I wanted myself, I brought my hands down his back and slowly untucked his shirt. Then I placed my hands underneath the shirt running them up and down his back.

He held himself rigidly.

I didn't know the words to say to help send his demons away. I wanted to soothe whatever pain I had brought him. It only seemed right to do so. My decision made, I spoke without thought.

"I accept you, Edward, all of you, even that part."

As the words came out of my mouth the full truth of them hit me. I did accept this part of him, because it was the part of him that he fought, that he worked every day to resist, so that he would never be that again.

He started rocking back and forth.

"It's okay, Edward. I'm here." I didn't know what else to say so I just repeated that over and over while I slowly rubbed my hands along his back and held my cheek to his chest.

After a while he looked down at me with a kind of hunger that I had never seen on him. I considered telling him to stop, but truly didn't know did know how to help him. On top of that, I trusted Edward. He would never hurt me. He brought his lips down to mine, claiming them in a way that unhinged my body. To make matters worse his hands went up and down my arms and eventually made their way under my shirt rubbing my back till he found my bra and then would go back down again. Closer and closer he pulled me in.

With the last remnants of thought, I considered the meadow and what had happened the last time. His kisses became stronger and more urgent.

It took every put of strength and self-control I had to pull back from him.

"Edward," I whispered. He didn't respond and instead kissed my neck pulling on the skin his teeth so near to me. "Edward, hold on a minute, please."

He gently lifted me up and placed me on the bed. He looked down at me with a blackness in his eyes that I'd ever seen before. He took his nose and followed from my throat along my collarbone breathing me in. He had his hand beside my arms.

His breath, his nearness, his body they all called to mine. I didn't want to have my body give itself over to him without my consent, I desperately tried to remind myself. I fervently attempting to think of how to stop him if he went too far, as I didn't want him to do something he might regret, to distract myself from his call. He breathed on me and the world started spinning. He leaned over me and placed his lips in the ridge between my neck and my collarbone, kissed me, and then took in a deep breath.

The few brain cells still functioning wondered if I should call out. Certainly one of his family members could stop him if needed, but I was afraid to embarrass him.

He put all his weight on one arm and used the other hand to go up and down my side. He took his hand and went across my midsection. He took his face and placed it next to my ear nibbling on my ear lobe. Then he began kissing and nibbling down my neck with his teeth brushing the surface of my skin with each pass. Any deeper and I was sure they would have easily cut me like a butcher's knife against paper.

Fighting to clear the fog he was inducing I got close to his ear and leaned in. "Edward, I trust you. Are you sure this is what you want to do?" Certainly I wasn't sure, but I couldn't seem to get my body to want to stop.

His hand unbuttoned the top button of my shirt and then the next and the next until the fabric separated and lay on my sides. He began kissing along my collarbones slowly making his way south. His eyes darkened in blackness and I wished that I could remember the first day we met, the day he hungered for my blood above all things, so that I would know what his eyes had looked at that day.

"Edward?" I paused breathlessly as his presence began to pull me under fully, but he didn't look up. "Are you sure?" were my last words before I lost all thought and there was only him.

A/N: I hope as we move into the last chapters you enjoy the journey that each of our protagonists have gone on. Thank you as always as being such fantastic readers. I appreciate each and everyone one of you and your notes have improved me as well as the story.