To me, your reviews are like a frappuccino in the early morning: creamy, awesome, and refreshing. Unless it's a flame, in which case it's plain black coffee: scalding, bitter, and totally idiotic. Who actually likes black coffee?

A few important notes: "Friday the 13th" is totally non-canon. The villains have never actually been killed, as that wouldn't make any sense whatsoever. Discontinuity!

Second, this story is going to be a total mind screw from here on out, and not just in the crack fic way either. You have been warned.

Disclaimer: This author does not own Star Wars, TMNT, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Final Fantasy VII, Kingdom Hearts, Just Dance, Mulan, Dirty Dancing, Sesame Street, Muppets, Lilo and Stitch, Mortal Kombat, Scooby-Doo, Charlie the Unicorn, Avatar: The Last Airbender, Bubba Gump Shrimp, Oreos, Cobra Starship, Chuck Norris, Monster, McDonald's, Baskin Robbins, Nemesis, Blaze, Waffle, or Michael Jackson and his songs.

Chapter Thirty-Seven: Sexy Was Never Gone

Eowyn had expected a lot of things when she opened the door to the mansion's main common room, but when she feasted her eyes on Wolf, Anakin, and Darth Maul singing and dancing with Wii remotes, her knees nearly buckled in shock.

"What the-"

"Hi, Eowyn!" Wolf paused the game to wave friendlily at Eowyn. Maul flashed her a smile (which contrasted sharply with his tattoos), , and Anakin began messing up his hair. "We're playing - Oh, hang on. Get it going, guys!" Together, her, Anakin, and Maul wiggled their Wii remotes and shook to and fro. "It's raining men! Halleluiah! It's raining men! Halle-"

"Not that song again!" Hermione exclaimed exasperatedly as she too entered the room. "It's so-"

"American?" Maul offered.

"I was going to say ridiculous, but that works too."

Wolf paused the game. "So...What's up?"

Eowyn held up an opened envelope. "Someone sent me a present today." Though she wasn't positive, Eowyn could've sworn she saw Anakin flush. "There was a Costco coupon inside, along with a Starburst wrapper and a paper clip." Again, Eowyn saw Anakin sigh in relief.

"Well, that's not the weirdest thing," Wolf replied with a smirk. "I got an invitation to a dance party today in my mail."

"From who?" questioned Maul.

Wolf shrugged. "I don't know, but it was someone in the mansion, because it's address is here. I'm not sure if I'm going."

"Why not?" Wolf hopped three feet in the air as Leo spoke out of nowhere. After snapping out of her fighting stance, she gave him a quizzical look. "I thought ninjas didn't like dramatic entrances?"

Leo leaped down from the ceiling, doing a mid-air somersault and landing on his feet. "It varies. What's this about a dance party?"

"I was invited to some unknown dance party in the mansion. I've asked Waffle, Nemesis, and even Blaze about it, and none of them know jack. So just in case I decide to go, I've been practicing my mad skills."

"What mad skills?" Leo said with a wry grin.

"The ones you lack, of course," Wolf retorted. She frowned, sticking her tongue out slightly, deep in thought. "You have to wonder...who would invite me and why?"

"Yo! Do you have the punch bowl?" one stormtrooper queried as he unfolded a table.

"Right here, complete with the extra fruity sherbet for that extra fruity boss," replied the second one, shifting aside just in time to avoid a wall. "You'd think that if they can spend all of their money on dance parties they'd be able to buy us helmets with good visibility."

"I've asked for some in the suggestion box, but no, the money's going towards golden statues of his Royal Highnessfulness."

They both snickered.

"I'd keep quiet if I were you," said a female voice, causing the two troopers to jump in astonishment. "Voldemort may hear you. Ah, it feels so great to say his name without consequences!"

"Hey!" said the first trooper, aiming his gun at the girl. "You're that renegade apprentice, the one that ran off from the Emperor!"

"Dang straight!" said Fuchsia, stepping forward, hands still at her sides.

"You're wanted dead or alive!" continued the first trooper.

"Shut up, Fish!" shouted the second trooper, elbowing the one named Fish in the breastplate. It made a satisfying clang.

"Make me, Locke!" argued Fish. "Besides, why should I listen to you? The first time we truly fought here, his Royal Pain in the Butt told us that we'd be facing a dragon. What did you say, though? 'Don't worry, it's probably like Mushu from Mulan.' You were DEAD wrong on that one, buddy!"

"Are you two finished?" Fuchsia asked. "Seriously, though, lower the guns. I could kick your butts from here to Albuquerque and you both know it. AND it'd be with a totally lame pink lightsaber, which would only double the humiliation on your part."

Fish and Locke lowered their weapons, recognizing danger. "One shot would kill us, after all," said a resigned Locke.

"That's what stormtrooper armor is made for," responded a dejected Fish.

Fuchsia raised one eyebrow. "You guys actually figured that out?"

"Yep," said Locke. "We have it all figured out: the armor is incredibly weak so that way us underlings will never rise and become main characters."

"This way the boss man and pals keep the spotlight on them," added Fish.

"Until the heroes destroy them."

"They could come back from the dead..." Fuchsia trailed off.

Fish nodded. "Oh yeah, we figured that out. But all that occurs is a hero or two dying, along with a hundred or so underlings, unless there is a weapon of mass destruction involved. in that case, a hero will either be possessed by the villain or will make a mistake, causing the obliteration of an entire planet."

"But the heroes triumph, as always," finished Locke.

Fuchsia scratched her head. "Stormtroopers are smarter than I realized. I misjudged you all. I'm impressed."

"We have a greater IQ than those Foot Ninjas you've been consorting with," said Fish with a hint of disgust. "I never liked those goons."

"They're not so bad..." Fuchsia began, but she stopped mid-speech when Fish and Locke tilted their helmets knowingly. "Okay, they suck. I keep saying that they talk too much. Absolutely no response. Those guys sure know how to party, huh?"

"Speaking of party," said a chuckling Locke. "do you have any clue why the villains are having a dance party?"

Fuchsia burst into a laughing fit; it took her an entire minute to regain her composure. "That'd be Voldemort. Out of that entire crowd, Voldemort's lost the most of his normalcy, seeing how Dirty Dancing is now his favorite movie last time I checked, and he named his freaking cat Harry. Shredder's still perfectly normal...by villain standards, anyways. He still like decapitation as a hobby. Palpatine and Sauron lie somewhere in the middle, though Palpatine's recovering awfully fast. I think Wolf losing her Force power contributed to that..."

"Wolf?" queried Locke quizzically. "Who's that?"

"An old friend of mine, so to speak...I wonder if she's coming tonight. I don't know why, but I invited her...even if this isn't my party. Palpatine's got it in for me at the moment, especially after the fiasco with another friend of mine..."

Snapping her fingers suddenly, Fuchsia pulled out her wallet. "Tell you what: I know that you guys hate your job, and I also don't want to be possibly be tattled on due to my chronic backstabbing. Here's twenty dollars for each of you. Go buy some yourselves some Bubba Gump Shrimp."

Fish and Locke both gaped at the forty dollars. "Wow...that's more than I make in a year!" cried Fish.

"As you were, men!" Fuchsia said with a smirk as Locke and Fish both skipped off, flashing her a salute as they left. Then she smiled at the punch bowl.

"Are you an angel? Because you look like you just fell from Heaven and landed in oncoming traffic," Mikey snarked off to Raph as they and Wolf walked down the winding stairs, all of them sipping green tea from Starbucks cups.

Raph just whacked Mikey upside the head. Again. "You know," commented Wolf. "you guys should really stop doing that. No need to cause him more brain damage."

"Oh, fine! You both can pick on me! It's because I'm black, right?"

"Actually," Wolf replied. "you're more Asian than black."

"But he doesn't have Asian intelligence," added Raph.

"Whatever! At least I have some intelligence! Wolf is practically brain dead!"

"Hey!" Wolf defended. "I may be an idiot, but if there's one thing I'm not, it's an idiot."

"And you look like a banana."

Wolf eyed her yellow hair and sighed as they reached the bottom of the stairs. "Don't get me started on you, Kermit!"

"Poser!" Mikey had resorted to one-word insults.

"Nut face!"

"Wiener!"

"Buttmunch!"

"SHUT UP AND DRINK YOUR DANG TEA!" Raph snapped as he slammed open the door.

Mikey and Wolf did so. "So..." Wolf trailed off as she finished her tea. "Do you guys want to go with me to this dance party?"

Raph froze halfway through the door, causing Mikey to collide with him. They both smacked into the ground and Raph furiously tried to put Mikey in a headlock. Wolf sighed. "I'll take that as a no..."

Obviously, you moron, sneered a voice in her head.

Gosh, you're a ball of sunshine, aren't you? said another voice.

Shut up! Wolf herself shouted. This was also aloud, so Raph and Mikey paused their fighting to cast her strange looks.

DUN. DUN. DUN. Draco, the first one out on the floor, smirked slightly as he rocked to the beat of the song. "Whoo!" he screeched shrilly with the singer as the music picked up.

The hall was packed with many heinous beings, though Palpatine and Shredder were notably absent.

The one-man wolf pack crowded the floor, dancing a puny little jig. After a while, he was joined by Hun, the Shredder's enormous henchman. He too shook his fists back and forth. It seemed that these two were able to draw friends forth from the crowd, because Dooku and Saruman simultaneously began to dance, doing the mashed potato.

They all got one-upped, however, when Snape joined them on the dance floor. The moonwalk, the hand jive, and the exact moves from Michael Jackson's "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough" were all seamlessly replicated.

Minutes later, Snape boogie-oogied out of there. Draco, Hun, Dooku, and Saruman all blinked. "HOLY CRAP!"

Fuchsia sat alone at the table closest to the door, legs way out in front of her, laughing at it all. Folding over a corner of her copy of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, she shot a hopeful glance at the doorway. Seeing no new arrivals, she sighed and shifted a strange piece of armor that rested on her shoulder. "This better freaking work."

It will, hissed a mature, menacing voice.

Can it, Dark Lord Happy Pants! shrieked a disturbed voice, this one much more rough and childish.

Fuchsia smacked her face with the book. Ever since Darth Maul had deserted her, she had been surrounded by either absolute idiots or sadistic monsters plotting world domination. She just hoped Wolf would be stupid enough to-

Wolf tumbled right over Fuchsia's legs, doing a face plant on the floor as she entered the hall. "So good to see you!" Fuchsia cried. "Now seriously, what the heck are you doing?"

Wolf swiftly jumped to her feet, her hand itching towards her hip, where, funnily enough, not one but two lightsaber lay waiting. "Going door to door for the Jenova's Witnesses. Tell me, are you experiencing an urge to destroy this planet's life and follow in the footsteps of your 'mother?'"

Fuchsia blinked. "...I suppose that'd be amusing if I understood the reference."

"But you don't," Wolf replied.

"Which kind of sucks."

"Sucks what?"

Fuchsia shrugged. "No idea. Sea-salt ice cream?"

Wolf jumped from foot to foot in faint glee. "Oh my gosh, is there any of the here? It's my favorite flavor!" Then she finally realized just what was going on. "Crap!" She scrambled to the exit, only to be blocked by Fuchsia. Strangely enough, she did not draw her own pink saber.

"Come on, Wolf," she said with good humor that seemed disturbing for a Sith...err, former Sith. "I didn't invite you here just to stick you on a shish kebab, you know."

Wolf refused to lower her guard. Contrary to popular belief, Wolf had streets smarts and some common sense, which made up for her lack of many other attributes. "Then why am I here?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Fuchsia spared Wolf's dwindling dignity and didn't insult the girl. That would screw it all over. She twirled a colored toothpick in her fingers. "Fine, I'll line it out for you: I'm sick of this crap. Palpatine's regaining his brain, the Shredder hasn't changed at all since arrival, and everyone's plotting to kill each other."

"You'd be among the plotters," Wolf couldn't resist pointing out. "You're like a bipolar spicy tuna salad: you can't decide if you want come back up or not, so you're just giving the consumer extreme heartburn."

"Well, yes," Fuchsia concurred. "but-"

"Also, I can't believe that out feel for the 'Us Dark Siders have cookies' trick! Or was it cake? Well, either way, the cake is a lie. Good to see you've realized this."

"Okay then, but-"

"So what's going on with you guys?" Wolf continued, much to Fuchsia's chagrin. "Us, well, we've had a lot of problems. Han popped the question to Leia, and they're getting married this summer. Don 'accidentally' set Aragorn's hair on fire, so Arwen tried to kill Don. It didn't work out very well. I don't think even a B-list horror movie villain could've stabbed someone to death with an Oreo-"

"Will you let me talk already?" Fuchsia hissed. Wolf blushed and glowered at her feet. Fuchsia sighed in exasperation, but whether she was irritated by Wolf or herself, even she didn't know. "Look, the point is, I don't want to kill you and hopefully you don't want to kill me. I know for a fact that the villains won't even try. Voldemort and Sauron both detest Palpatine, and they couldn't care less about you and your actions.

"They get along fine with each other, but that may be because both of their enemies are adorable little chibis, especially the hobbits. Still, Sauron can't stand Harry. Every time they're around each other Harry licks his leg and scowls."

Wolf's eyes bugged out. "Harry did what?"

"Not that Harry!" Fuchsia screamed, mortified. "I was referring to the cat!"

Wolf could only gape. "Sometimes...I wonder about your sanity, but i do agree with you. And then I question myself for occasionally agreeing with you. But what the heck."

"So you'll stay?" Fuchsia already knew the answer.

"Well..." Wolf trailed. "Seeing how I have no life, I might as well. I can get exercise too. Mockery is my favorite sport, you know...Aside for Chocobo racing."

"A what?" Fuchsia raised one eyebrow in bamboozlement.

"A Chocobo. I've always wanted one, you know. I think they'll taste like heaven."

Fuchsia decided to back away from Wolf very, very slowly. Wolf sighed. "Alright, I'll stay but there's no way I'm dancing with you nut jobs."

"Deal!" Fuchsia howled. She wrapped an arm around Wolf's shoulders, and Wolf squirmed, her comfort zone being intruded upon. "Come on, I'll introduce you to the fun ones in this joint! You haven't had a proper conversation with them before."

Fuchsia and Wolf sauntered over to the refreshments table, where a strange bunch had gathered. "Hey guys! I told you she'd come!"

Count Dooku, Draco, and Wormtongue all turned to gape at Fuchsia's little buddy. Wolf instinctively shied away from Wormtongue, who was looking terribly disturbing. "You remind me of someone I used to know..."

"Was it Chuck Norris?" said Wolf.

"...Who?" Wormtongue's already distorted face scrunched up in confusion.

Wolf clicked her tongue, collecting her nerves. The creepy pedophile can't touch you. You'd just kick his pale, wrinkly butt, remember? Feeling reassured, Wolf succeeded in replying, "What a shame. When he comes to roundhouse kick you in the head for not knowing his identity, I'll be sure to bring my own popcorn. Maybe I'll give you a two minute warning, hmm?"

Dooku chuckled. "I always liked this one," he commented as he nibbled on a scone. The heavy beat of a Cobra Starship song thudded in Wolf's head, the only reminder that this entire situation was reality.

Draco leaned against the table, sipping what looked suspiciously like beer and grinning like a bleach blond deviled egg. Cocky little snot. "Hey there, Goldilocks. Long time, no see. Mind if I smoke? Because it's getting hot in here."

And Wolf thought Anakin was bad with pick-up lines. "I don't care if you burn, Draco."

"Ah! A spitfire!" Draco licked his lips; Wolf clenched her fists. "Well, I'm included in those who like it hot."

Wolf raised a fist, the fire in her eyes and her words really clear. "You wanna go, Blondie?"

If he wasn't such a douche bag (who was terrible with the ladies, if you could count Wolf as a lady), Wolf would've admired Draco's pluck; he gave no ground, even when facing the girl who threw him out a two-story window and nearly lit him ablaze. "You don't even have to say 'Lumos' to turn me on!"

Wolf turned to Dooku and Fuchsia, who were watching with much amusement. "Which one of you introduced him to the Harry Potter pick-up lines?"

Dooku shrugged. "No idea, pal."

Fuchsia scratched her head, then halted as she was painstakingly reminded of Wolf's similar habit. "He must've made that one up. He hasn't really touched a computer as far as I know...As a matter of fact, most of us haven't had any contact with computers whatsoever."

Crap tart. The rodent was learning. Wolf did the only logical thing, which involved her pouring a glass of punch on him and shoving him into Wormtongue; the two stumbled onto the dance floor.

Wormtongue stared at draco blankly. "...You're certainly blond. Are you-"

"No, I am not Eowyn!" Draco shrieked in fury. "Just because I'm a blond and Eowyn is a cross dresser doesn't mean I'm her in disguise!"

Wormtongue snapped in disappointment. "Dang! Thwarted again!" The both stood there in silence for a moment, listening to Kesha.

"...I like this song," Draco admitted.

"Me too," Wormtongue nodded.

"...Wanna dance?"

"Heck yes!"

So, bizarrely enough, Draco and Wormtongue ended up as platonic dance partners. Wolf, Dooku, and Fuchsia gawked.

"I am so ashamed," Dooku groaned, now chomping on a spoon.

Fuchsia and Wolf heard the distinct sound of teeth chipping. Mortified once more, Fuchsia stole the spoon. "I thought you were over this phase!"

Dooku moaned in longing. "Give me my spoon, lady!" He lunged for the ex-Sith apprentice (what was she now, anyways? Wolf wondered) and they tumbled to the floor. Several people gathered around, and two stormtroopers steadily chanted, "CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT!"

Deciding to take advantage of the fight, Wolf slipped away to seek something a bit more fun than two retards pulling out each others' hair over a spoon.

She bumped right into Voldemort. And what happened afterwards...well...

"Uh, hey there!" Wolf grinned, fear absent from her demeanor.

If Voldemort had eyebrows, he would've raised them. "You're...not afraid, Muggle?"

Wolf shrugged, deciding that "Muggle" was a compliment. "Not really. I've been stabbed, had my hand amputated, and went through various forms of torture and mind rape. Add my masochistic tendencies, and you have one hard core chick, if said chick learns how to fight and talk trash. Not only do I talk trash, but I talk to trash as well. Regarding trash, you'd certainly fit in the 'white' category."

Voldemort's nostrils flared. "If you weren't such an irritation to the self-proclaimed Emperor Palpatine, I'd kill you on the spot." Eyes darting to the refreshment table, he suddenly plucked a cup of tea from it and took a sip.

Wolf, on the other hand, snatched a can of Monster and snapped the lid open, steam streaming from its opening. "Eh, doesn't bother me. Death is only the beginning of life...But seeing how you split your soul...That's just sick, you know?"

Voldemort gave her a scathing look. "Are you always thinking like this?"

This time, it was Wolf's turn to shrug. "Maybe. One time, I was in the car with my family. My dad smelled like pickles and we were driving through Kentucky, but there wasn't a single KFC in sight...it was weird."

Voldemort rolled his feline eyes. "You bore me. Crucio!"

Hissing in surprise, Wolf collapsed to the floor under the force of the curse, biting her lip until it bled. A minute or so later, she gained the strength to stand again. "I thought you were going to leave me alone!"

Voldemort bared his teeth. "No, I only said I wouldn't kill you, Mudblood."

"Hoo, racist much?"

Voldemort decided to ignore this. Instead, he addressed the issue of Wolf's second lightsaber. "I see you have another weapon."

Cautiously, Wolf pulled her second saber from her chunky belt. "I've always been able to use the blade, but I've been learning to dual wield for the past two years. After testing myself with Leonardo, I made the decision to carry a second saber...Why am I telling you this?"

"I politely addressed the issue," Voldemort replied, as if it were obvious. Out of the blue, he asked, "What color?"

"Uh..." Wolf ignited the second lightsaber, revealing its yellow blade. She also activated her other red saber and twirled them experimentally.

Someone cackled behind her. "You look like a Jedi McDonald's mascot. Please switch the colors," said Fuchsia with a smirk.

"Whatever," Wolf said with a shrug. She gestured towards the snack table. "I'm pretty sure I've overused this joke, but doesn't the Dark Side have cookies? Seriously, why are there no cookies?"

Voldemort shrugged and pointed at Draco, who was dancing the hustle. "Why does the ferret boy act like an emo?"

"HEY!" Draco shouted over the music. "I AM NOT EMO!"

A wicked grin spread across Fuchsia's face. "Hey there, Draco..."

"DON'T EVEN START!"

"La la la la, la la la la, Emo's World" she said in a sick, twisted, sing-song voice.

Something pressed against Wolf's leg. "Hey, what the-" She glanced down. "Harry!" She grasped the fluffy kitty and gave him a hug. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! "Seeing Fuchsia giving her a quizzical look, she said, "It's because of this Harry that I got to throw Draco out a window." Petting Harry's furry head, she glanced at Voldemort. "I think you should've given him a different name."

"Oh really?" Voldemort raised his right hand towards his ear and flicked it outwards. "And just what should I have called him?"

"Cocoa Bean Snuggly Bumble Butt," Wolf deadpanned.

"Cocoa Bean doesn't work, he's not brown," said a frowning Fuchsia.

"You racist!" Wolf declared.

"He's not de-clawed, you know," Voldemort responded nonchalantly.

"So wha - OW!" Apparently the name "Cocoa Bean Snuggly Bumble Butt" aggravated Harry, because he scratched Wolf's arms and leaped away.

Wolf could've swore she heard the cat yelp, "RUN AWAY!" But she must've imagined it...but she'd been wrong before.

"Excuse me," she muttered to the villains. "Orange Juice, AWAY!" She transformed into her barn owl Animagus, leaving two very shocked villains behind.

It was a few minutes before Fuchsia said to Voldemort, "Wasn't there something about your guys' magic actually being the Force?"

"...Yes."

"So wouldn't Wolf's Animagus actually be Force powers?"

"...Yes."

Fuchsia clenched her fists. "SCREW YOU, WOLF, YOU LYING SNOT!" Yanking on a pair of rubber gloves, she pressed a button on the shoulder plate. It seemed to fly off her, twisting and turning until it morphed into a hovering glider. Hopping on it like Stitch on some demented surfboard, she gave chase.

Harry was one fast cat, Wolf/Orange Juice realized as she soared after him. She had to flap her wings like there was no tomorrow (or maybe it was 2012 in some lunatic's world).

There was a tiny bang behind her. Twirling her head in a one-eighty and still flapping, she spotted Fuchsia. What was she chasing her for-

"LIAR!" Fuchsia called.

Little Orange Juice still had no clue what she was talking about. An epic chase ensued, most of it involving how both a cat and a barn owl could outrace a cool metal glider. Harry was weaving through the halls, darting to and fro like a kitty ninja. Orange Juice was faring just as well, not trying to catch Harry now but fleeing from Fuchsia instead.

Coward, snarled the cruel voice in her head. Why don't you just morph and fight her?

Uh, hello? Did you not see the awesome glider thing? she replied huffily.

I thought you were hard core crazy awesome! Crazy awesome people would fight a glider!

FINE! Orange Juice shrieked. I'll go and do the darn job and be done with-

Fuchsia smacked into teeny, tiny Orange Juice. The owl spiraled out of control before transforming back into Wolf, who brought up her lightsabers with a snap-hiss! She sliced into the metalwork of the glider, causing only a superficial injury in the metal but wounding Fuchsia's pride.

With a bellow of fury, the ex-Sith barreled into Wolf once more, sending her sprawling. Upon landing, Fuchsia spun for a roundhouse kick and lost her balance as she hit only air.

"What the-"

"Finish him!" Wolf howled as she side-kicked Fuchsia in the head. It was a one-hit K.O. "FATALITY..." Wolf dragged Fuchsia to the wall, none too gently leaning her against it. "Crud," she murmured as she glanced about. "Which way is north? WHICH WAY?'

"It's to your right, spazz."

"Right. Thanks, Fuch...Wait!" Wolf's brain rattled as she spun faster than lightning to stare at Harry. "You talk?"

Wolf could barely believe it, but Harry shot her a feral grin. "But of course! You think some dumb animal would play Voldemort like a total tool?"

"Ugh..." Fuchsia moaned, glazed eyes finally opening. She glanced at Wolf. "Were...you just talking...to the cat?"

Excitement coursing through her veins, Wolf pointed at Harry. "Yes! He talks!"

"Oh really?" She glanced at Harry.

"Meow..."

Fuchsia rolled her eyes. "Clearly I'm not the only one with a head injury, Wolf."

"But...Come on! Harry! Talk to her!"

"She can't talk to me!" Harry exclaimed defensively. "She's not an Animagus...True, I'm not an ordinary cat, but I still can't speak the human language. True, there are other Animagi, such as Sirius Black, but I dislike him."

Wolf nodded in silent agreement. "So where are we?"

"If you'd stop talking to the freaking cat, we could find out, hmm?"

Now it was Wolf's turn to roll her eyes. Assisting Fuchsia to her feet, the unusual trio surveyed the area. "I found an apple core!" Wolf cried in triumph, holding up the absolutely rotten booty. "And it's granny smith, too!"

Fuchsia snorted. "You gonna eat that?" she sneered. Feeling like she was being challenged, Wolf gobbled the thing up. "Wolf, that's sick!"

"You're right..." the retard in question warbled. She stumbled, knocking her hand against a light panel. Upon collapsing to the ground, she spit up. Meanwhile, a secret door opened, much like the ones in Scooby-Doo, only much more ominous and less likely of possibly holding petty thieves dressed in bed sheets and silly putty. Dubious, Fuchsia and Harry examined the doorway thoroughly. "It seems safe," Fuchsia commented after a minute.

"Gross, there's little brown chunks in my spit!" Wolf responded before dry heaving.

Fuchsia yanked her up by the hair. "Come on, you dingbat." Yelping in shock, Wolf was dragged into the unknown by a demented Sith with a genius black cat on her heels.

"I'm jsut saying, this is a bad id - Ooh, shiny!" Wolf giggled as she regarded the wall. Her ADHD-like tendencies went haywire.

"I wish I was a ninja," Waffle said as she, Nemesis, Raph, and Mikey strolled through the hallway.

"It's not all it's cracked up to be," Mikey replied with a groan, rubbing his sore thighs. "Raph, why'd you pound me so hard?"

Raph massaged his own goose egg. "You were goadin' me, Mikey. Don't push it right now, either, you lunk!"

"So where is Wolf now? Nemesis queried, appraising her surroundings.

"No idea, but we're going to find her. I didn't like the sound of that dance party or whatever," Raph responded.

Waffle smiled cheekily. "Raphie..." she said in a too high, too creepy voice.

"Raphie..." Mikey added, going along with it.

"We're going on an adventure, Raphie!" continued Waffle.

"To Dandy Mountain, Raphie!"

"It's a land of magical dance and fun and joy..."

"Raaaaaphie!"

"Raaaaaaaphie!"

"STOP IT!" Raoh hollered in vexation. He glanced at Nemesis. "Aren't you goin' to help me?"

Nemesis gave him an incredulous look. "Nah, watching is fun."

"DANG IT!"

"Look, Raphie!" Waffle gaggled, pointing at a mysterious door. "It's a door...to adventure!"

"This is really gettin' on my nerves..."

"Open the door, Raphie..." Mikey trailed off, grinning cheekily at Raph.

"Open the dooooooor!"

"Open it!"

"Oooopen it!"

"IF I OPEN IT, WILL YOU BOTH SHUT UP?"

"OPEN IT!"

"AGH!"

Raph pummeled the door with his shell; instantly, it burst open, sending the door flying straight into Saruman inside.

Awkward silence.

Even though she was now able to walk on her own, Fuchsia was still dragging Wolf by the elbow. To be honest, this was probably due to Wolf dilly dallying every single moment to do the moonwalk...and the Macarena...and, alright, I have no clue what the last move was supposed to be.

"Ooh, what's that?" Wolf ogled something shiny in the corridor.

"Nothing important, Wolf," Fuchsia reprimanded, dragging Wolf onward.

"No! I'm serious! Look!" Wolf cried out in desperation.

Deciding to help Wolf's cause, Harry nipped at Fuchsia's heel and then ran off in the right direction. "Darn that cat," Fuchsia muttered, dropping Wolf's arm to chase Harry. Sighing in relief, Wolf beat Fuchsia to the door and opened it. It slid open, and all else was forgotten once Wolf and Fuchsia saw the room's contents.

Harry spoke first. "That is probably the second biggest computer I've ever seen."

Fuchsia didn't understand, but Wolf nodded. "You took the words right out of my mouth, Harry."

It was one monstrous computer. There were at least eight enormous monitors and three transparent but hi-tech keyboards. It whirled with intense power, and it almost seemed to have a presence of its own.

Nervous, Fuchsia began to back out of the room, but this time Wolf managed to pull her forward. "Come on, be hard core for once in your life!"

"I am hard core!" Fuchsia retaliated as they approached the computer. "You know Neville's flower bed outside? That really big one? I stomped on it for two hours straight today."

"Yeah, that really makes you a straight up G," Wolf replied with sass, plopping down on a stool next to the computer. "Now, how do you log on..."

Fuchsia butted Wolf off the stool. "Step aside, dork. There's no way I'm letting you near this gold mine. Mine!"

"My precious..." Wolf hissed menacingly.

Fuchsia snapped. "I can't stand this." Jumping off the chair, she spun Wolf around and reached forward.

Wolf reacted as well, thought she earned different...results. Wrapping one arm around Fuchsia's waist, the other rested on her opposite shoulder. Stepping in front of her, Wolf pulled hard and flipped Fuchsia, tossing her into the ground.

Allotted time: two point three seconds. Could've been better, Wolf decided.

Then Wolf's legs were kicked out from underneath her. With Harry amusedly watching, Wolf and Fuchsia punched, clawed, and elbowed furiously, always scrabbling on the floor.

"Are you two done?" said a unique, slightly mechanical voice. mouth nearly hit the floor as she stood up, and Fuchsia gasped. The computer came to life, screens blazing with various pictures. "The noise is going to fry my circuits."

"The computer...is talking!" Wolf babbled. "And it's not the droll tones of computerized checkers or any of that crap, it's like a person! A person! Happy day! What's your name? I'm Wolf!"

"Oh my..." Facepalm on Fuchsia's part.

"I'm Demetri," replied the computer genially. "Who are your friends?"

Wolf gestured towards Fuchsia and Harry. "This is Avocado Mothballs and Harry the Cat."

"My name is Darth Fuchsia!" Fuchsia interjected.

"You're still a Sith?" Demetri gasped. "I thought you were working for the Shredder now?"

"Well yes, but - wait, how do you know that?" Now Fuchsia was weirded out.

"This whole mansion is wired," Demetri replied with a hint of pride. "I worked on it myself a few years back, before I got stuck in this computer..."

"So how did you not know our names if you knew about everything else?" questioned Wolf, who could easily accept the idea of a person in a computer.

Demetri ignored Wolf, and instead addressed Fuchsia when she asked, "So you're a person?"

"Why yes, thank you for noticing my humanity, kind Sith creeper lady!" Wolf snickered, and Fuchsia scowled. "I used to live here with the other members of our little colony-"

"A colony?" Fuchsia yowled.

"You guys were ants?" said an astonished Wolf.

"No! Dear Force, you're pretty stupid. Not exactly helping the dumb blond stereotype, are you?" Wolf blushed with shame. "Anyways, I'll continue. I was a Force sensitive living in a colony of people called the Lakana. We were similar to people, but with a few differences: Unlike other Force sensitives, for instance, some of us could master various elements. If one of the Force sensitives had the potential to control an element, they were trained here rather than with the Jedi. Good thing, too, because of Order 66."

"So wait, that means...WHAA?" Wolf didnt bother covering up for her gawking. "But that means...THEY'RE NOT IMAGINARY?"

"Stop it with the caps locks!" Fuchsia screeched in pain, plugging her ears in anguish.

"But they're all real! It's all real, Fuchsia! Anakin, Luke, the Turtles, everyone...So what about you?"

"Wh-what?" Fuchsia stammered.

"Well, I had thought it was the over of my thoughts and those strange vortexes that brought you to life, but I thought the same of the characters, and..."

"If it helps you, she has a definite Force signature. I've seen a few of the reality bends here at this deathtrap, and she doesn't feel like one of them. She's a person...There's something else about you guys, too, but..."

Fuchsia fist pumped. "I'm real!" She pointed a mocking finger at Wolf. "Suck on that, butthead!"

Fuchsia continued to victory dance like that. Wolf sat down on the stool. "So why are you stuck in a computer? And if Fuchsia is real...then what about-"

"Are you talking about the 'Mary Sue' chick?" Demetri offered helpfully.

"Uh...yeah?"

He sighed. "Wolf, I'm not sure what that girl is, but she's definitely real. Oh, and by the way...pistachio pudding?"

Wolf shrugged. "I prefer butterscotch, to be honest, and I'd rather have ice cream than either of those."

"Me too. Before the massacre, I used to go out with my friends and eat Baskin Robbins..."

"Massacre? What? Oh my gosh..."

"Here's the story..." Demetri's voice quivered but did not crack. "I was one of the element controllers in training, along with a few others. We were training under one of the best. Her name was-"

"Toph? Azula? Katara?"

"...No, it was-"

"It was Zuko, right? I always knew he had problems, but really, a transvestite is a bit too much, don't you think?"

"Her name was Tanya Ching Ching-" Wolf busted up laughing. "Come on! I know it's a stupid name, but it's better than Master Alfalfa! He taught us piloting and navigation!" This caused Wolf only to laugh harder at the prospect of someone with such a silly name.

"Anyways," he said with authority. Wolf's mouth shut, though a few snorts occasionally escaped. "I was trained by...Tanya, along with my other friends. We all learned to control our various elements (some with more ease than others), and it was all good. Tanya was also a scientist, and she taught us about the attributes of light and darkness, the color spectrum, etc."

"In this colony, there was also the great Master Pludong-" Wolf snickered. "Shut up. Pludong was different from the rest of the element masters, because he had the power to control reality. He wasn't all-powerful or anything, of course, but he was still able to cause quite the shock wave when needed. He and Tanya were great heroes in the Myri Soy War."

"By Myri Soy...Is that like a Mary Sue?" asked Fuchsia, who had just finished her victory dance.

"Well, yes," said Demetri.

Fuchsia clenched her fists. "I hate those suckers."

"We all do," Wolf murmured, thinking of Myst.

"However," Demetri continued. "Pludong did not trust Tanya. I heard they had some sort of schism back in the war, so they split. He was right to not trust her, too. Tanya wanted to take one of her light and darkness experiments to the next level and use a human test subject. The idea was to use the memories a person and extract them, giving it all shape and form. Pludong put his foot down, though, and banned it, but Tanya went behind his back and forcefully took one of her pupils and conducted it, yanking out the darkest memories. It succeeded...and we all paid the price."

Demetri paused. "Are you okay?" Wolf asked with concern.

"...She killed my friends, you know," Fuchsia gasped, and Wolf bit her knuckles until they bled, though the blood went unnoticed. "Everyone was killed except for, as far as I know, myself, Tanya, and that monster...The creature took a human form and immediately went into the test subject's mind, ripping it apart. Then it went on a rampage. First it attacked Tanya's only apprentice. She fought valiantly, but...I fled. I grabbed the still living body and I fled. It wasn't natural, the monster."

She sounds like a douche bag," Wolf agreed. She was pretty surprised that Demetri wasn't blowing up at everything with all this angst. "How long ago was all this?"

"I wouldn't word it like that, but...yeah, pretty much. It was about two years ago. In a last effort, I managed to flee and come to the computer's grid, and I've been stuck here ever since. It's not all fun and games here, either. I've had all these viruses and Trojans and the mainframe wants to murder me...

"Tanya and the monster went along and killed the other inhabitants. Tanya, well, She was good at murder...and dance...and volleyball...and arson...She would always laugh before a kill. It was excessive laughter, and it was annoying. I had audio then, but not visual. It was a house of horrors.

"The other apprentice had something wrong with her mind. The body was still living, but her mind and heart were gone...I still don't know what happened to her. As for the test subject, I never saw that particular person again, and I'm not sure how I feel about that."

Wolf and Fuchsia sat there for awhile, absorbing this new information. Finally, Fuchsia spoke, "Well, I'm really sorry about all tha-OW!" She had gone to pat the computer's monitor, but she had taken her gloves off earlier, and ended up shocking herself.

Wolf rolled on the floor with laughter. Talk about mood whiplash.

"I told Demetri I'd visit him soon," Wolf said as she, Fuchsia, and Harry trotted back to the dance party.

"I heard you, dork. By the way, I have a bone to pick with you." Without warning, Fuchsia turned on her lightsaber.

"Hey!" Wolf snatched her own sabers. "What's the deal?"

"You told me you gave away your Force powers, but you can still use your Animagus and Metamorphmagus powers just fine!"

Wolf grinned sheepishly. "Well, I can't use them very well, and I haven't had any luck with my Metamorphmagus powers since who knows when-"

"But those are Force powers!"

"So what if they-" Wolf's eyes widened. "Oh."

Fuchsia huffed. "I should've known. Not only that you can't just give away Force powers, but I should never have trusted you!"

"I didn't know either," said Wolf. She glared at Fuchsia. "And even if I had, why should I apologize? You were going to kill my friends!"

"You ruined my life!"

"You chopped off my hand!"

"You set me on fire!" Fuchsia gave up on arguing and prepared to duel, but Wolf extinguished her lightsabers.

"Fuchsia, I'm going to do something much more logical..."

"What, run?" Fuchsia cackled, slapping her knee. "Wolf, I can beat you easily! I have my gli..." She motioned to her shoulder, but there was no armor there. "What the..."

Grinning, Wolf held up the armor and pressed the button. As it shifted into the glider, Wolf waved and hefted Harry into her arms. "See ya! Run, run, as fast as you can! you can't catch me 'cause I'm the Gingerbread Man!"

Soon enough, Fuchsia was only a speck. Wolf, on the other hand, found something much more disturbing than a PMS-ing ex-Sith.

"Go Mikey! Go Mikey! Go Mikey!" everyone was chanting with enthusiasm as Mikey did a turtle-esque version of the worm. On the opposite side of the circled bystanders, Voldemort was doing the moonwalk, and Waffle was trying to jerk in the middle.

Sometimes Wolf questioned the duality of human life.

IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE: I've had a lot of people say this story shouldn't be such a crack fic. There's too many characters, the plot makes no sense, blah, blah, blah. Guess what, though? It's a CRACK fic, it's not supposed to make sense! Hence, the crack part!

I am now determined to make this one of those semi-serious crack fics, with as many characters and fandoms as possible while retaining a semblance of sanity that I sorely lack.

Coming up next, the stunning entrance of Chocobo Head and pals!

The line about Fuchsia stomping on Neville's flower bed came from the song "I'm Hard Core" by Ryan Higa.