Sorry for the long pause, writer block, if I dare call myself a writer (LOL) Sorry again.
YES YES Ana and Christian will definitely have their HEA even it is one chapter away or fifty chapters (Kidding). We will get there.
On with the chapter already,
CPOV:
I stand like a frozen statue watching as the door close after Anastasia. The dang announcing the elevator's depart breaks my trance and my hand flies to the side of my face where I can still feel the brush of Ana's soft lips against it. The kiss was not near as hot and heavy as our past kisses were but no less intimate. Tonight she had seen more of me than I have let anyone see before. Tonight we have shared our demons and lied some bare. It wasn't a baring of flesh, it was a baring of souls. Of the darkness that lurks inside both of us, the darkness we keep from the closest people to us. And after all that, she still found it in her to kiss me so so lightly like I am a precious thing she fears its well-being. It is as heart-shattering as it is laughable, considering the damage I can inflect on her is sure greater than any damage she can do me.
Are you sure, though?
I am not. I am not sure if I am walking to my doom and I don't really care as long as I have her holding my hand the entire journey. You are so screwed, Grey. Despite being aware of that fact when I reach the great room I am sporting a huge grin that drops at the sight of my parents who are standing, arguing. Yeah, things to deal with. Brush those fluffy feelings to the side for now. Fluffy? Okay, didn't I just say not now?!
"Do I have to ask what the hell was that?" I mutter with a surprisingly calm voice. They stop talking and my father turns to face me. His face is a stone carved of determination. It seems neither Ana's nor mom's words made him falter. Let's see about that, shall we.
"Say what you must, son. I did nothing wrong." He states just like I thought he would. It is not simply about being a good negotiator who expects his rival's every word. This guy is after all, my father. I have memorized his arguments since I was a teenager. Even though I rarely won, I mostly ended up doing what I wanted. Because I am stubborn like that. Guess I shouldn't complain about Ana's hotheaded nature. A bit of the pot calling the kettle black, isn't it? Back to the task in hand.
"Oh, you didn't?" Seriously, I am an asshole myself but I draw the line at catcalling women like this. I am not saying I am some feminist but there is just something about this that always bothered me. Could be because your mother was actually a whore and you spend your miserable childhood hearing men calling her just that….
Forget all that, this is Ana. I draw the line at anyone even coming close to hurting her.
"I am looking out for my son. That is all that matters to me" The hard lines of his face stay intact but I see the blue of his eye softening just a little bit but I don't let this get to me. He need to know that what he did was wrong, unacceptable.
"So hurting an innocent girl doesn't matter? Insulting my guest in my home doesn't matter?" Okay so maybe my voice just raised a tone or two. His silence only provokes me further. "How could you accuse her of such things so blindly. You don't even know her!" If you just knew her…
"I don't" He presses his lips but dismiss the fact like it is insignificant. "but I know her mother. You don't want to be with the likes of them." I see flashes of disgust in his eyes and they made me clench and unclench my fists to keep myself in check. You don't just speak of her that way. Ever. I focus on something else to prevent myself form saying things I know I will come to regret.
"What do you know about her mother?" I am not up for gossiping but I am willing to hear because he may tell me things Ana won't, things to help me understand Ana better. I should feel ashamed that I am still looking for twisted ways to learn about her but I am not for some reason. I already hate her mother after what I learned today. And after the way Ana's eyes were shadowed with sadness and self-loathing, no I wouldn't want to bring that subject up again.
"I know she is the kind of woman who marries a man for his wealth and throw him away when a wealthier man shows his face" Too polite to call her a gold dagger, dad? No news here, I already knew that. I wonder just how my father learned that but I let it slip for later considering it…insignificant.
"So?" I shrug and his eyes widen when he grasps that I already knew that. I carry on, not being able to bear the nonsense of his argument. "you judge Ana by your knowledge of her mother? I am the son of a crack whore in case you forgot. I don't recall you checking under my pillow for coke. Or did you?" I narrow my eyes at him and I hear my mother gasp beside me. Yeah, we don't speak of my birth mother so often. The few times we did, was me asking small questions when I was still a kid and my mother answering them as awkwardly as it can be. My father's lips thinned into a line as he grinds his teeth. His eyes are flashing with hurt and disbelieve.
"You are more of my son than you will even be hers. This woman…" I pretend I didn't hear the almost unnoticeable crack in his voice. I turn my eyes away from him and I met my mother's gaze, it doesn't make it any either to swallow the limp in my throat. "you are nothing like her. Not one bit" My father insists grabbing my attention. Too much to bear, I let my mask of indifference fall on my face smoothly before I meet his eyes again.
"If it makes you feel better….off the subject, though." I wave my hand dismissing his words, he can say them as much as he wants but it doesn't make them true. It doesn't change that I have her DNA in my cells, the scars of her past on my body. She is more under my skin that he thinks. "Ana is nothing like her mother. That I can confirm so rest assured, the last thing she cares about is my money" My rotten heart, though… She is carving her way into the dark forest in hopes of getting to it. I actually hope she never does.
"Then why would she be here in such an hour?" He narrows his eyes refusing to waver. Alright so I do have to explain myself? I don't do that. But I also don't want him bothering Ana ever again so I have to make him understand. If it was me who he had a problem with, I would have let him get over it on his own but it is Ana.
"Not that it is any of your concern, father." I clench my jaw so hard I might have snapped a few teeth as I hissed the words out. "Ana did spend the day here. I picked her up at dawn and we went gliding together. Then we had breakfast out and head here where we worked our asses off all day. She made me dinner and then we thought we earned some time out so we were watching some TV crap when you two decided to drop by." Here is a recap of my day, dad. Satisfied? God, this is ridiculous! I leave out the part when I had a nightmare and freaked out on her because it is none of his fucking business. "I don't know if your lawyer observing skills picked up the fact that when she went to get her things, she went to the TV room not the bedroom. Does that stand like sufficient evidence for her innocence, Mr. Grey?" he is silent again. "Not a few days ago she invited me to dinner in her house with eight of her friends, including her boyfriend" I figure it is a better way to deliver the 'she has a boyfriend and it isn't me' blow. Less obvious. "she is the best friend I have ever had and you went ahead and insulted her in the most terrible ignorant way" I thought I have calmed down but I am furious. How could he think of her that way. How could he not see her for who she is. A life changing force. She is changing my life, that is pretty obvious to me now. He should be thanking her, not calling her names.
"I am not apologizing for doing my job which is to look after you. Regardless of anything, that is the one fact I most believe in." He states firmly and I resist the urge to roll my eyes. He storms off without uttering another word.
"I will talk to him" My mom announces with a sigh but she doesn't fellow him out which tells me she has something to say.
"I meant no disrespect, mom" I suppress a sigh of my own. "He needs to understand that what happened tonight can't happen again, that is unacceptable to me" I don't want to fight with my father but I can't let him do this to Ana. If he was anyone else he wouldn't have come out with a heated argument, he would have walked out with a black eye or a swollen jaw. Yes, I am that mad.
"I agree with you but he is right when he says he is looking out for you" She smiles warmly before I see her eyes storm with worry. "I like Ana, I really do. And I love her for what she is making you be, the way you were dancing with her like there is no one in the room but the two of you" I fight the urge of my blood to rush to my face in embarrassment. I knew she won't let me life that down. "Or the way you defended her now and stood up against your father which the last time I saw was first when you started your business" She means when I dropped out of college. "And…. I noticed that she can touch you" I blink at her. I thought she missed the moment when Ana grabbed my arm to calm me down but I was wrong. Apparently nothing go unnoticed with Dr. Grace. My eyes drift away from her as my head gives a distant nod of confirmation and she doesn't question in the subject further, thank god for small miracles! "I like the man I am seeing you become around her. But I can't deny I am worried too" Here it comes, I know my mom well enough to be waiting for that 'but'. "You just said she has a boyfriend"
"We are just friends, mom. The dance…" I trail off not knowing what to say. One time thing? Unrepeatable? Or a better lie, 'was not as it looked like'? "It doesn't mean anything. It was just a dance" And my crack whore birth mother died a virgin.
"I see" Her eyes says 'I know you are lying' but she doesn't say anything so I pretend I didn't notice. "I just want you to know something for me. I know you trust her. But even the people we trust the most can hurt us, actually especially the people we trust the most can hurt us. They don't have to mean it but it happens. I never want to see you get hurt" The thought of Ana being the one to hurt me is still fucking laughable. I always think of what damage I can do her but the thought of her causing me damage doesn't sound logical. Then I think of the way my stomach twists in sickness and my blood boils in anger every time I think of her fucking boyfriend and suddenly I realize that maybe she does have the power to hurt me. The notion is still foreign, though. And maybe I should care but I don't. I have welcomed pain my whole life. I have inflicted it and been inflicted upon so much that now it feels like my oldest friend. What is a little pain in exchange for everything Ana makes me feel, huh? Besides, I can't believe that my dead heart would be capable of enough emotions to cause serious damage. I am not saying I am emotionally stronger than her, I am saying I am more emotionally absent, less involved or invested than she can be.
"You don't have to worry about me" I echo the words Ana said to me not a few minutes ago. She surprises me by cracking a laugh.
"I am a mother. It is like our 'thing' " She does air-quoting with her fingers that causes me to chuckle. "I have to go after him before he explodes or something" She mentions to the elevator's door and I start walking her to it. We say our goodbyes and I sigh when the elevator's door closes after her. Tonight has been long and quiet eventful. I enter my bedroom and stare at my bed wondering if I need to go back to sleep. Sleeping in that big ass empty bed sounds so vain after napping with my head in Ana's lap, her hands in my hair and her scent surrounding me. I shake my head at my ridiculous thoughts. Since when do I prefer sleeping while someone else is even in the same fucking room?! I pull my phone to check for new message and find none. Again, ridiculous. If there were any, I would have heard it ring. It is in my fucking pants pocket for fuck's sake! I drop my weight on the bed like a dead body and pinch the bridge between my eyes. If that is what starting to have 'feelings' is like, then it is fucking draining. I feel like I have been working my ass off for days with no sleep or like I just run fifty miles nonstop. I lie awake for what could be seconds or minutes before the ringing of my phone breaks the silence of my empty house. Has this place always been so dead, so silent? I pick the phone and let out a relieved sigh when I see Anastasia's name dinging a new text.
*Report: Target is homely safe…safely home…Ugh and I am the one with the English Lit degree here!*
Automatically, a grin breaks out on my face as I type back a reply.
*Glad target is safe by any and every literal sort. BTW, you are the ONLY one with any degree here. I am a drop out as you so politely reminded me at our first meeting, remember?*
I send the text with a smirk. My intentions aren't to blame or scold her about that. Not that she haven't earned it, because she had. I am solely doing that to tease her a little that is all. One of my new 'Ana related hobbies'. We have 'make her mad', 'tease her', 'make her laugh', 'stun her', 'dig her up and figure her out', 'watch her doing literally everything from dancing to reading to eating pizza like a nineteen year old frat boy' and of course my favorite and non-optional hobby 'jerk off while fantasizing about fucking her'.
Just normal besties stuff, you know!
Her reply comes fast.
*How can I ever forget! It was right after you belittled me and made my ambitions looks like fairytales for children! I think I was entitled*
Oh, little ball of fire!
*You weren't entitled, you were out of line but I let it slip*
Are we seriously arguing via text?!
*Oh, please you probably only hired me to get me under your mercy and have your sweet revenge from the foulmouthed bitch who didn't shake in horror under the cold glares of the Great Grey!*
Well, I guess we are arguing via text!
Question, have you ever ever seen someone who is as equally challenging and amusing as Ms. Steele? Because I doubt there are two in the world of that woman.
*I did want to get you under my mercy, still do. But that wasn't why I hired you*
I grin as I imagine her blush when she sees the innuendo in my first sentence. I was never the sort of guy who throws innuendo or teases and jokes about sex. That is Elliot thing, not mine. For me, sex has always had its place and time, scheduled like a business meeting. I was never even a fan of dirty talking during sex. Now I am talking sexy to a woman I am not even having sex with!
*Could be because you are so generous and forgiving?*
I totally believe she was rolling her eyes as she wrote this text, by the way. The irritating gesture still makes me want to spank her ass pink but I have grown quiet fond of it lately, even if it is still rude as hell.
*Your smart mouth is gonna get you in deep trouble one day, Ms. Steele*
*I don't doubt it. Now do tell, why did you hire me despite my many flaws?*
I had to think about that. I could easily dodge the question, reply with humor or change the subject. That is the advantage of texting, she can't pin me down with these big blue eyes of her. A decision made in seconds, I decide to go with honesty. The same route I have been choosing since this friendship thing start, I just hope it doesn't lead me to my doom.
*Beside the fact that I saw your potential and couldn't let it go. But that is what I do, that is what I am good at and you know that. Through our first official meeting you made me see just how dull Grey House was before you walked in. You bring life and color into anything you touch. I didn't know how much that matter until I saw it. And then I wanted to see it again. And again. I wanted to be a part of it. I am that selfish. So even if there was someone who has the same talent, degree, ambitions, potential and luscious ass, I would have still chose you, Anastasia.*
My finger hover over 'send'and I hesitate. It doesn't look like a casual text between friends. Then I tell myself that I and Ana aren't just friends. We are best friends. The kind of best friends who stay awake till 2 Am and talk about their feelings, about deep stuff. I press send and drop the phone on my chest. Talking to Ana always helps smoothing me, better than any therapy and definitely more fun that talking to fucking Flynn. However, it nags me that there are still topics left untouched and things left unsaid between us. I hope that changes soon when she trusts me and starts opening up to me. Her reply comes two minutes late which mean she didn't only read my long message but she thought about it too.
*You read the books?*
I roll my eyes. So much for opening up. Changing the subject? Chicken! I didn't have to ask which book she is referring to.
*I had some free time*
Not nearly true and we both know it. The truth is, I had the books under my hand the next morning after my dinner with friends at her place and I was slowly tempted. Initially not by the book itself but more by the potential of it being a way to place a new piece in the puzzle of Anastasia. And it didn't disappoint. At first I was confused. I mean it wasn't a bad book but I failed to see how the Anastasia I know could related to it. The girl in the book was so lonely, so isolated. She had poor social skills, a difficulty in letting people in. She lived so much inside her head that she was at the edge of mental sickness. She was unstable, weak, scared, unloved and lost. A coward.
Everything I didn't see Anastasia as.
But then I remembered.
I remembered the way her body was shaking with anger right before she kissed me for the first time, I remembered how she punched me and ran off.
Unstable.
I remembered how she hid from me the next day trying to pretend the kiss never happened. How she told me off and ran away after I confronted her about having a boyfriend.
Weak.
I remembered how she looked when she thought I knew more about her than I should. I remember how she feared I would hurt her using it.
Scared.
I remembered how she talked about her mother tonight.
Unloved.
I remembered how her eyes searched me for answers when she didn't know if she should or shouldn't gild with me.
Lost.
And most of all, I remembered how she would zone out even with six friends around her and look like she is in her own little world where she is on her own.
Alone.
And I fucking got it.
I got that everything there is to know about Ana is right in front of my fucking face but I am more blinded by her beauty and my desire for her most of the time to notice any of it. And it is about fucking time I stop thinking with my dick and start paying attention.
Because man, she deserves that attention.
She is a beautiful mess and I intend to unravel each and every part of her until there is no one on that earth, not even Anastasia, knows her as well as I do. And I have never been that passionate about such a purpose.
Passionate enough to go through three books of paranormal teeny romance? Yes.
But while reading I was shocked by how I related to it myself. And I was taken aback by one sentence that kept replying in my head.
"We are synonyms but not the same"
I and Ana, synonyms but not the same. She is so different from me, her world is oceans away from mine but still we sync. Somehow, we are in tune.
She is my synonym and I am hers.
We lead different existences but we walk the same path. We both live in the past even when we try our damnest to run from it, it haunts us. And it owns us. More than we are willing to admit.
And I want to free her. I don't know how but I want to. I don't want anyone or anything to own her. Except me, of course.
My phone vibrates invading my thoughts.
*Do I tell you what that makes me feel?*
That? Oh, she means me reading her books. God, I hope she isn't angry…
*In one word, I have had enough sharing and caring talks tonight for two years ahead*
I joke trying to cover how nervous I actually am. A nervous chuckle escapes me when I remember that humor in nervous situations is a mechanism Ana uses, not me. She is rubbing off on me, dammit!
Her reply is immediate. Like she wrote the first word that passed through her head.
*Invaded*
I close my eyes and breath deep through my nose as I feel a new kind of pleasure rock my body. Starting from the centre of my chest and warming its way to my limbs. And I feel high. A different kind of high from the one I get in my playroom. It is not control or sadism. Not a dark high. A foreign light one. I realize that I have been in need to invade Ana's life and mind almost as much as I crave invading her body.
I realize that I have wanted that even since I saw her walking out of Flynn's with bandages all over her tiny hands, sadness all over her beautiful face and innocence deep in her blue eyes. I have wanted in even since that moment and now that I am finally starting to carve my way in her head and her life I am feeling a weird kind of relief. The kind of relief you feel after finally driving a nail into a very thick ass wall. Suddenly I am overwhelmed by the need to see her. To spend more and more time with her. To talk more. To touch more. To study every little detail of her more. To hold her gaze more. To feel her body heat close to mine. To feel her eyes on my skin and her hands on any part of me. To possess more of her time, more of her thoughts and more of her everything.
All of the sudden all I want is fucking more. Just more of her.
*you running tmw morning?*
That is right, dude. Keep it cool and causal. If she can read what just went inside my head she will probably freak the hell out. Friends don't think like that about friends. Of that I was no fool. I knew I wasn't just 'friends' with Ana. Not in my head at least. Friends don't jerk off at the thought of their friends, they don't get hard at the sight of exposed flash or skirt gloved ass as their friends bend over casually. Nope. But I also knew that in order to keep her I have to brush all that shit in my head in a box and lock it tight. I have to pretend I am cool with this 'just friends' thing. Because I do want to be her friend. I want to be her best friend in the whole fucking world. I want to be her rock, her secrets keeper and her comfort although I am still not sure that I can, not sure if I have it in me. I know I don't want to be 'just friends'. I want to be more than a fucking friend. But I am still not sure what I want to be exactly. Just that I don't want to be 'just' her best friend.
*Yes*
Comes her short reply like she doesn't see where I am going with that. Cool cool, play it cool.
*Fancy a running partner?*
Fancy? Really, Grey? What century did come out from, old man? Ugh, I am so not good at this.
*Hmmm, sure. If I can keep up with said partner*
I smile in the relief of knowing I will see her first thing in the morning.
*You will manage. You always do. Six thirty works for you?*
*Sounds awesome*
*Sleep well. Night, Anastasia*
*Night, Christian*
Hope I didn't lose my touch, did i? Another chapter is half finished and will be posted in less than two days. Tell me what you think!
And big thanks to the ones who are still with me despite my dick move and long dead silence. You are awesome ;)