CHAPTER 37 – "NOT-TRACY"
37 chapters! Oh my. Certainly never expected to come this far. And I definitely wouldn't have continued if it weren't for all these amazing reviews, so if I haven't personally thanked you yet (since some of the users here don't allow PMs), this is my thank you right now. You guys are amazing.
(MacLaren's. Marshall, Lily, Robin, Barney and Tracy are standing near the bar.)
Lily: (excitedly) Oh my God, this is so exciting!
Robin: I can't believe we're gonna meet Tracy's doppelganger!
Marshall: (hyper) This is gonna be legend…(Pause) Come on, Barney, wanna help me out here?
Barney: Don't… do that again, bro. Ever.
Tracy: Okay, can we stop chitchatting and please go see what my twin is doing over there?
Lily: Yes, yes, let's go! Let's go meet her!
Barney: (excitedly) –DARY! Legendary! (looks at Robin) Sorry, honey, I couldn't resist.
Robin: I know, sweetie.
(They all start to approach the booth where they usually sit, in very slow motion)
(Cut to Ted's living-room. Everyone but Tracy is there.)
Marshall: And that's the story of how we met Tracy's doppelganger.
(Everyone but Ted laughs)
Ted: Oh come on! You're not even gonna tell me what happened?! What does this woman do? Where does she live? What does she look like?
Robin: We're guessing you know what she looks like, or are you not familiar with the concept of doppelgangers, Mosby?
Ted: C'mon, you guys, you can't just tease me like that. At least tell me what you talked about.
Barney: Well, she's a stripper!
Ted: What?!
Barney: No, wait, that's Lily's doppelganger.
Lily: (smiling into thin air) I really miss Jasmine.
Barney: (smiles as well) Me too.
Ted: (stands up) OK, fine, don't tell me. You know what, I am fine without knowing. In fact, it's been 31 days since I've been sober and that's something I need to be celebrating instead of desperately trying to find out about someone who looks just like my wife.
(Robin cracks up laughing)
Ted: What? What'd I say?
Robin: (laughs) Oh, nothing. It's just…something not-Tracy said last night that's so funny. I just remembered it. Trust me, you had to be there.
Marshall: What-what, tell me. What is it?
(Robin whispers in Marshall's ear. Barney and Lily jump over to listen)
Ted: (dumbfounded) That's really mature.
(They all crack up laughing)
Marshall: Oh my God, not-Tracy is the funniest!
Ted: Really? That's what we're calling her? Not-Tracy?
Lily: Well, we're obviously not gonna tell you her real name. So, yeah, we're sticking with not-Tracy for now.
Ted: Okay, fair enough. I just want you all to know, other than the fact that you're all gonna burn in hell—(they all chuckle) I am doing great. I feel like this separation is going good for me right now. It's…it doesn't sound like something good for our family, but surprisingly I feel happy. I feel good about it and I feel like Tracy and I really need this time apart. And I really do feel happy.
Lily: Really, Ted, or is this just one of these things you want us to tell Tracy so she can, I don't know, forgive you?
Ted: When have I ever done that?
(They all look at him)
Robin: How about…yesterday?
yesterday
(MacLarens.)
Ted: Look, can you just like—I dunno, take a picture of the chip and, I dunno—
Barney: Send it to Tracy? Is that what you want us to do?
Ted: Hey, I mean, if that's what you want. (chuckles)
(Back to the present at Ted's house.)
Ted: Well, this is different. I really do feel different.
(They all smile and nod)
Robin: Well, good for you, I guess?
6 hours and 24 minutes later
(MacLarens. Marshall, Lily, Robin and Barney are sitting at the booth and Ted enters.)
Ted: (dejectedly) Well, I don't feel different.
Robin: (sarcastically) Aww, what happened to Happy Mosby?
Ted: No, I'm still happy. I mean, I guess. But I can't shake the feeling that Tracy is waiting for me to call her, or to show up or something. What do you think?
Barney: I think the fact that she left the house speaks volumes about how badly she doesn't want to see your face.
Ted: No, I feel like she wants me to make the first move, you know? There's definitely a chance here. To make it work again.
(Lily cracks up laughing)
Ted: What-what? You don't think it's gonna work?
Lily: (laughs) No-no, it's not that. It's not-Tracy.
Ted: (frustrated) Oh god, that again.
Lily: (turns to the gang) You guys remember that thing she said about work?
Barney: (excitedly) Oh my God, with the balloons and everything?
Lily: YES!
Barney: It was hysterical! You hear that, Ted? It was hysterical.
(Everyone but Ted laughs)
Ted: Ha-ha, very funny. You guys are jerks. (gets up)
2 hours and 11 minutes later
(Barney and Robin's place. Robin, Barney, Marshall and Lily are there.)
Ted: (entering) You guys are the best.
Robin: Huh, I thought we were jerks just a couple of hours ago.
Barney: It was 2 hours, 11 minutes and 7 seconds exactly.
Robin: (stares at Barney) Sometimes, I'm just like "why?"
Ted: I had an epiphany today. I realized that maybe, just maybe, Tracy and I are incompatible.
Marshall: What?!
Lily: Are you crazy?
Robin: You guys are probably more perfect for each other than Marshall and Lily!
Marshall: (rubs Robin's shoulder softly) Heh, that's cute.
Ted: Yeah but that's the problem! What if we're too alike? I mean, come on, she's practically a second version of myself and what if that's just too much for a relationship if not a marriage?
Marshall: Ted, you gotta stop with all this epiphany crap. You come up with a new theory every couple of minutes. You just have to stop driving yourself crazy.
Ted: No, guys, I'm serious this time. (sits down) Tracy is so independent, she's so…free and unique. She doesn't need me in her life, I've come to realize that, but in a good way this time. Maybe she wants me because we've been married for a long time and we have kids together and a life and a house, but does she really need me? How much do we really know her, honestly?
Robin: Ted, what're you talking about?
Ted: C'mon, she has this crazy mysterious background that we know so little about.
Lily: It's your wife, how could you say you don't know her?
Ted: It's because I know her that I know she has this wild zest for life and she's probably already moved on. I'm not saying she's living with another man or anything—we still love each other so much it's literally unhealthy—but…she's a strong, attractive, independent woman. And I need to accept the fact that this whole thing is not all my fault. Maybe she's been waiting for me to snap this whole time, maybe she secretly wanted me to do something so horrible, so terrible, to finally push her off the edge because she didn't want to seem like the bad guy when she leaves. Does any of this make sense?
(Long Pause)
Barney: No, but not-Tracy gave us a long speech that also didn't make all that much sense. (to the rest of the gang) Remember that one, guys?
All: Oh my god, yes! That was so funny!
Ted: (sighs) I'm outta here.
45 minutes later
(Marshall and Lily's living-room. Marshall, Lily, Robin, Barney and Ted are there.)
Ted: (sigsh) Well, I'm outta here. (gets up)
Marshall: What, where are you going, buddy? We just got here.
Ted: I dunno, I'm a little tired. Not feeling so well.
Barney: Oh come on, don't be a party-pooper, Ted!
Ted: No, I'm really not in the mood to hang out all night. I should just…get some sleep or something. Besides, it'll only take you guys one stupid word to remember some ridiculous story Tracy's doppelganger told you.
Robin: That's not true! (Pauses) Oh my god, truth or dare.
Barney: (gasps) That was my favorite not-Tracy story ever!
(They all laugh again)
Ted: See? (starts to leave)
Lily: Wait, wait, Ted! Can I…talk to you for a minute?
Ted: (sighs) Can it wait till tomorrow, I'm really tired.
Lily: It'll only be a minute. Come, let's go to the roof.
Ted: Ok.
(Lily and Ted head up to the roof)
Ted: So…(sighs) What's up?
Lily: Just wanted to see if you're okay. Are you…really okay, Ted?
Ted: Yeah I'm fine.
Lily: But are you, really? Because I just saw you go through a hell of a lot in a span of 24 hours.
Ted: What're you talking about?
Lily: Ted, there are four stages of separation. You know, stages you go through when your partner leaves you.
Ted: There's four?
Lily: One: contentment.
(Flashback: Ted's living-room, earlier that day.)
Ted: I am doing great. I feel like this separation is going good for me right now. It's…it doesn't sound like something good for our family, but surprisingly I feel happy. I feel good about it and I feel like Tracy and I really need this time apart. And I really do feel happy.
Lily (voice-over): Stage two: denial.
(Flashback: MacLarens, earlier that day.)
Ted: I feel like she wants me to make the first move, you know? There's definitely a chance here. To make it work again.
Lily (voice-over): Stage three: you start going crazy and think maybe you weren't even meant to be.
(Flashback: Barney and Robin's place, earlier that day.)
Ted: How much do we really know her, honestly?
Robin: Ted, what're you talking about?
Ted: C'mon, she has this crazy mysterious background that we know so little about.
(Back to present-time, on the roof with Lily and Ted.)
Lily: And the fact is, you went through all those stages in one day. So I can't even begin to imagine what a struggle it's been for you, spending this time apart from her.
(Pause)
Ted: You said there's four stages.
Lily: (sighs) Stage four: depression.
(Flashback: Marshall and Lily's living-room, just a few minutes earlier.)
Ted: I dunno, I'm a little tired. Not feeling so well.
Barney: Oh come on, don't be a party-pooper, Ted!
Ted: No, I'm really not in the mood to hang out all night. I should just…get some sleep or something.
(Back to the roof.)
Ted: (chuckles) What, I'm not depressed.
Lily: Losing interest in things you love, feeling tired and powerless, losing energy early, sleeping a lot… I know you don't want to admit it, Ted, especially because you think you've done this before. You think you've been here before, depressed and lonely and miserable. But it's unlike anything you've ever been through. Ted, we stood here you and me, when Robin and Barney got engaged—
(Flashback: the roof scene from season 8 episode 13 "Band or DJ")
Lily (voice-over): And you thought that day was the worst day of your life. You thought that Robin leaving you for good and committing to be with Barney was the most painful thing that's ever happened to you, and the reason for that is because you really loved her. And that's the only way you knew how to cope.
(Back to present-time on the roof.)
Lily: But she never loved you back. Robin wasn't in-love with you. And now, almost fifteen years later, as we stand up here again talking about your complicated love-life, you're feeling more than just pain and hurt. You went through turmoil today, a whole bunch of feelings, because Tracy is in-love with you too. And if there's anything this Lily Aldrin lesson should teach you—(Ted chuckles while tearing up)—it's that maybe you've learned from being hurt from Robin. You went after that girl for years and years with no luck…can't you for the love of God use that to learn how to cope?
(Pause)
Ted: You're saying…I should move on? From Tracy?
Lily: No, I'm saying… (sighs) I'm saying that I love Tracy and you know how much she means to me, but frankly you mean a lot more to me. You said something today that stuck with me: we should be…celebrating.
(Pause)
Lily: You've been a drunken fool for years and in just 30 days, you managed to kick that asshole out of your body. So hell yeah, we should be celebrating. Celebrating your sobriety. Celebrating your freedom. Celebrating the fact that you are Ted Mosby, and you can do anything you set your mind to. You met Tracy under an umbrella on a rainy day, and you had her at 'hello'. And now here we are, all these years later, and we're talking about who Tracy is, really. Independent, crazy, unique, free-spirited. Why isn't Ted Mosby all these things too?
(Pause)
Ted: I don't know what I'd do without Lily Aldrin Life Lessons.
Lily: (smiles) Probably drink yourself to death.
Ted: Thank you so much.
(They embrace in a passionate hug)
Lily: And, uh, one more thing.
Ted: (looks at her) What?
Lily: About last night…
(Flashback: MacLarens, earlier that day. Marshall, Lily, Robin, Barney and Tracy are standing near the bar.)
Lily: (excitedly) Oh my God, this is so exciting!
Robin: I can't believe we're gonna meet Tracy's doppelganger!
Marshall: (hyper) This is gonna be legend…(Pause) Come on, Barney, wanna help me out here?
Barney: Don't… do that again, bro. Ever.
Tracy: Okay, can we stop chitchatting and please go see what my twin is doing over there?
Lily: Yes, yes, let's go! Let's go meet her!
Barney: (excitedly) –DARY! Legendary! (looks at Robin) Sorry, honey, I couldn't resist.
Robin: I know, sweetie.
(They all start to approach the booth where they usually sit, in very slow motion)
Barney: Ah, darn-it!
Lily: Wha—where is she?
Barney: She's gone. She left. (to Carl the bartender) Uh, have you seen where this woman went? (points at Tracy)
Carl: Uhhh…yeah, not-Tracy?
Marshall: Yes, yes! Where is she? Where'd she go?
Carl: Sorry, pals. She left like twenty minutes ago. I'll doubt you can catch up to her.
Barney: Challenge accepted!
(They all rush out of the bar)
(Back to present-time on the roof.)
Ted: (smiling widely) You never saw her?!
Lily: (shakes her head) We did not. All these jokes and stupid whispers, they're all a hoax. Well, except for that one Robin whispered this morning at your house. She told us your zipper was down and we could see your underwear. It was hilarious.
(Ted smiles again and hugs Lily)
Future Ted (VO): Kids, there it was: your father, turning in a new leaf. And I wanna say Barney, Marshall and Robin all helped me out tremendously, but honestly I couldn't do it without your aunt Lily.
(They start to go back downstairs)
(Marshall and Lily's living-room. Everyone but Tracy is there, laughing.)
Future Ted (VO): No one knows, even today, that Lily told me they never met Tracy's doppelganger. And maybe they did actually meet her, who knows? But she went out of her way to convince me that they didn't, and I was convinced.
Barney: Ohhhh Teddy, you should've been there, she said this thing—it was, oh my God… (whispers in Marshall's ear)
Future Ted (VO): It wasn't a big deal, I know, but back then I needed something as trivial as not missing out on meeting your mother's doppelganger to get me through the day. And surprisingly…
(Ted smiles at Lily)
Future Ted (VO): It did.
(She smiles back.)
FADE OUT.
So I'm a big sucker for Ted/Lily friendship. I guess that's the only reason I wrote this chapter. Also, I'm enjoying taking the story at a slow pace for once. Tell me what you think and thanks again, guys!