Author's Note: We're coming down to the last few chapters! Oh gosh.

Chapter 36 – When Love Must Die

Several hours later, I flex my wings for what feels like the millionth time, and they finally feel healthy enough for sustained flight. Now all I need to do is get out of here.

I am fairly certain that Dean won't agree to let me out of his sight, not without a fight. I could try to trick him, but I am not skilled in deception.

"You're zoning out again," Dean observes from his seat beside me—he moved to sit next to me just over two hours ago so that he could lean on the wall as well.

"Yes, I… find it difficult to concentrate," I lie.

He frowns. "Maybe you should stop for a bit."

"Maybe."

"Hey uh, Balthazar said he'd be back, wouldn't he?" Dean recalls. "I don't like him all that much, but… you could talk to him for a while, if it'd help you relax."

I smile. "I've been delaying his arrival because you dislike him."

Dean's lips curve downward into another frown. "Cas, you're the injured one here. I should be the one accommodating you, not the other way around. Tell him he can come. If I get too annoyed, I'll just wait in the hall for a minute."

"Thank you, Dean."

He huffs. "You shouldn't be thanking me, Cas. God, sometimes I wonder how the hell I can forget that you're not human."

I just smile. Balthazar, please come. And when you arrive, ask to speak with me privately.

Balthazar lands in the next instant, and Dean jerks beside me.

"Dude. A little warning?"

"I'd like to speak with my brother alone," Balthazar says.

Dean raises an eyebrow. "Geez. Not even a hello, huh?"

"Hello, Dean. You'll excuse me if I'm not particularly happy to see you, as you're the one who's been keeping me from my brother for the past several hours."

"That was not his fault," I say.

"Yes, of course," Balthazar says, rolling his eyes. His next words are directed toward Dean—"Do you see this? He's always been defending you, right from the start. If you were me, you wouldn't be able to stand you, either."

Dean laughs at this. "Sure. Cas, you gonna be all right?" he says, swinging his legs off the bed and getting to his feet.

"No," Balthazar says before I can answer. "I'm going to stab him twenty-seven times with a serrated blade, for a laugh. Of course he's going to be fine. Now will you get out?"

"Dean, please don't," I say before he can retort—I know that whatever was about to come out of his mouth can't have been polite. He restrains himself and exits the room stiffly.

Tell him he's a dick for me, he projects, and I chuckle.

"Cas," Balthazar says, shaking his head. "You shouldn't have done that."

"Yes, I apologize. Dean also thinks I should have let you visit earlier."

"Not that. Just—you shouldn't have—"

"Shouldn't have saved your life?" I say. "I know the amount of damage my Grace sustained. It would have been enough to bring you right to the brink of death. I may not have been able to bring you back, and Gabriel probably wouldn't have been quick enough to come."

"Yes, but—"

"I could not let you die, just as you would never let me die," I respond.

Balthazar lets his eyes drop away from mine. "But I have let you die, before."

"I… I've killed you before. Do you understand? I cannot let you die. Not when there's anything I can do to stop it," I say.

"I suppose we're even, now." He shakes his head again and mutters, more to himself than me, "But who's keeping score?"

"Balthazar, I need your help."

"Anything."

"I want you to go up to Heaven and ask for help from the remaining angels to stop missiles. Check with Crowley first, but if the humans are still planning to go into nuclear war, we will need as much assistance as possible to stop them from blowing each other up."

"I can do that."

"There's also the possibility that the Leviathans will simply start devouring humans. It will take some time for them to destroy everything, but if they do, try not to get in their way. The wings of regular angels will probably be burned irreparably by their tentacles. Mine are the wings of an archangel, but healing from the contact still took some time."

"Contact? Oh, right—Dick Roman visited," Balthazar says, nodding. "I'll try my best to stay out of the way, but if they really do start attacking humans—"

"You could also transport hunters to fight off the Leviathans, but you'll have to make sure that they're armed first, and—"

"Wait, Cas. Wait," Balthazar interrupts. "Why are you telling me all of this? It sounds so much like you're giving your last orders."

I hesitate for a moment before saying, "That's ridiculous."

"Don't lie to me—don't you think I can tell the difference, brother? What are you thinking? Why do you think you're going to die?" he demands.

The look on his face brooks no argument. I look down. "I… have Sam and Dean explained the problem with Chronos to you?"

"Yes," he replies. "It took you over a day to wake, Cas, and I spent a good part of that time unable to fly. I asked them what they were doing as they waited, and they told me that they were researching for an alternative because Chronos wanted—" Balthazar stops speaking suddenly as the decision I must have made occurs to him. "No."

"It is the only way."

"No, no, no," Balthazar says, shaking his head. "Do you remember the last time you said those five words to me? You were trying to justify swallowing millions of nuclear reactors, Cas. You achieved your goal, but don't you remember everything that happened afterwards?"

"This is different," I say. "As long as the ritual is performed while time is stopped, the Leviathans will be ripped away from the Earth, and we can clean up the political mess easily enough. The only consequence will be—"

"You, dead," Balthazar interrupts. "I won't stand for it. It's not… not going to happen. I won't let you."

"Balthazar."

"No, I mean it. I won't watch you die. I had to watch from Heaven once, and I will never do it again. You remember when I betrayed you? When I chose to reveal your location to Dean and Bobby?"

"Yes," I say, pained. "Of course I do—I killed you for it."

"Don't you know why I did it? I didn't want to see you die because there was too much for you to take in. I betrayed you for your own good," Balthazar says. "So if you think I'm going to just stand by and let you march to your death—"

"Balthazar, please."

His words grind to a halt, and he looks at me intensely, clenching and unclenching his jaw. Then he shakes his head. "No. I can't, Cas. If you're intent on doing this, you'll have to kill me first."

"I won't kill you, but I must do this," I respond. "There is no other way that is quick enough. Don't you understand? We don't have time for the Winchesters to find another way. Gabriel told me that he's keeping an eye on the missile crisis so far, but there's only so much we'll be able to do if the humans go into full-on nuclear war. I have to do this, brother. Please understand."

"What about Dean?" Balthazar asks desperately. "How can you—I know how it feels to lose a mate to death. You've seen how it is. How can you possibly put him through that? Don't you love him?"

"Don't make this harder for me."

"I'm trying to make it impossible for you," he responds.

"You can't," I say. "Please, Balthazar. You must know that I am the one who must do this. I was the one who let them in. It is only right that I'm the one who dies to force them back out."

We're silent for a moment, and I will him to see things my way. He must understand, but he just isn't willing to accept it yet. I can guess what he feels—I wouldn't want him to die either. But this is unavoidable. The sooner he accepts this, the sooner we can rid the world of Leviathans—the sooner I can fix my mistake.

"Will… will you come back again, this time?" he asks softly. "Gabriel… he said that you defied Death—"

"No," I reply, shaking my head. "My destiny has been fulfilled. I… I think I'm really finished, this time."

Balthazar blinks, and a tear slides from his eye. Even as the triumph of his surrender sinks in—he's finally realized that there will be no stopping me—I feel a sharp pang in my chest. I lean toward him and brush the tear away, spreading my newly healed wings and curling them around him in a gesture of comfort.

"Brother, I'm tired," I mutter. "This is not all bad. I will finally be able to rest. I will be at peace."

"Don't lie to me," he says, anguished. "If you're going to let yourself die like this, at least have the decency to tell me the truth. You won't be at peace. You'll be gone."

"You don't know that."

"I do," he responds. "I've been there before. You… you haven't. Not all the way, at least."

I close my eyes. "It will be all right. I just… after everything is over, I have one final favor to ask of you."

"I already know—"

"Yes, but just let me… let me say it aloud. So that there can be no misunderstanding," I say, opening my eyes in time to see him nod. I continue, "Please… watch over Dean for me. Sam will be there for him as well, but I… just, make sure he doesn't do anything stupid."

"I promise I will."

"Thank you, brother."

Then we hear Gabriel. Hey, knuckleheads. Two Soviet missiles flying over Germany as we speak. And… a third just taking off from California, toward Russia's giant backside. Help me out, eh?

"Go, Balthazar. Ask Eremiel to come. Even if no other angels help, he will."

"And you?" he asks.

"I should be going."

"What about Dean?"

"I'll seal the door to this room and tell him to give me some more time to speak with you. He is currently at ease downstairs, with Sam and Bobby," I report. I've never been more thankful that our connection is unequal—he is clearly not as attuned to my emotions as I am to his.

"Is this the last I'll see of you?" my brother asks.

Hello? Cuttin' it close, you two! Gabriel calls.

"I'll make sure to say goodbye to you," I say.

Balthazar stares at me for a long moment, eyes boring into mine, and I can tell he's staring past them, looking at me. Memorizing me, because he knows that I'm lying. But he won't force me to tell the truth this time—the lie is easier.

"I'll see you again, then," he says with a smile, and when he says it, I can almost believe it.

And then he takes flight.

"Back so soon?" Chronos says as I land in his temple.

It was easy to convince Dean that I would need a length of time alone with Balthazar. I told him that Balthazar discovered a method to speed up my recovery, but it would take up most of the night. And more importantly, we could not be interrupted.

He couldn't have known that Balthazar had gone already, as I related all of this to him mentally. He'll be sleeping downstairs on the couch tonight, and while I feel guilty forcing him to sleep uncomfortably, I know that he has done so before and fared well enough. The important thing is that he feels just as at-ease now as he did when I spoke to him moments ago, and I hope it will stay that way.

"So, which will be sacrificed?" the god asks as he turns to face me.

"I will."

His brow furrows. "Castiel, I believe I told you that it would have to be Sam or Dean."

"But I would suffice too, as long as the ritual was completed quickly enough," I say.

"Yes, but are you willing to take that chance? If we do this once and fail, the Leviathans will know what we are trying to do, and the hunt for me will begin. And then one of the two mortals that you are trying to protect will have to die anyway."

"They won't," I say. "I can ensure that the ritual will be performed at optimum speed."

"This will be more difficult for me—"

"I'm sure you'll manage."

His eyes narrow. "You are not being very considerate of the effort that stopping time takes."

"No, I'm not."

"You'd do well to respect a god, Castiel."

"Yes, and you'd do well to remember that I am the only reason why you are still a living god," I respond.

Chronos glares at me for a moment, but I am not lying.

After the death of Leliel, I watched over Balthazar very carefully to make sure he wouldn't kill himself. It wasn't unlikely, as the mating bond between angels is so great that killing one is usually enough to force the other to commit suicide.

But Balthazar always had a huge drive to survive, so he wouldn't take his own life—of that I was sure. We believed that angels couldn't be brought back, so the only option for him was to stop Leliel from dying in the first place. While I was on mission with Uriel, he slipped out of Heaven and came down to Earth to find Chronos.

Upon returning to find him gone, our garrison was sent out to capture him and bring him back to be punished for leaving Heaven without explicit orders. As I knew exactly what he would do, I was the first to locate him. When I arrived, Chronos had already made his decision clear—he wouldn't help Balthazar. They'd been locked in combat, and it had taken more words than I was comfortable with to dissuade Balthazar from killing the god.

So in this argument, I have the upper ground, and we both know it.

"Yes, of course," Chronos finally concedes. "Your hotheaded brother was most unreasonable."

"He was grieving," I say. It's an excuse, but it's the truth, too.

Balthazar had been very difficult indeed to talk down. He kept insisting that if he just had a chance to talk to Leliel, warn the younger version of him of what was to come, he would be able to change everything. Chronos told him it was impossible and that he should know better, and the situation became dangerous very quickly. It is not hard to say what would have happened if I hadn't arrived.

"I suppose I owe you a favor, then," Chronos says quietly. "But are you sure you want to use it on this? If all is ready, we can begin the process of stopping time in about half an hour."

"Why half an hour?"

Chronos looks at the bright sky outside for a moment before glancing at me. "Do you really want me to explain it all to you? It should be none of your concern."

"When would be the next appropriate time to execute the process?" I ask.

"The day after tomorrow."

I frown. "Then we should do it tonight—now," I correct myself. It is nighttime in America but here it is still afternoon.

Chronos sighs heavily. "Allow me to impress upon you just how imprudent this course of action is."

"I am aware."

"You should speak with those who are to perform the ritual in the time that we have left. Have them prepare. They will not have very much time before my power gives out."

I nod and frown as I feel the takeoff of a missile from somewhere to the northeast. "I will warn them."

"Good. I will draw on you when you have only a little time left," Chronos says. "In the meantime, I will prepare for my own ritual. If you are not here when the time comes, I will summon you by force. It will be unpleasant."

"I understand."

"Go, then."

I watch as he turns back to face the altar before him. He lowers himself onto his knees and presses his palms together. I spread my wings and leave him to his prayers.

I reach Heaven a moment later and locate Michael.

"I expected you," he says quietly when I arrive. "You're going to die."

"Yes."

"Have you told Dean yet?"

"No."

"You wish for me to perform the ritual."

"Yes, if you could," I say. He says nothing. "Please," I add as an afterthought.

He's quiet for a moment longer. "I suppose I could," he says. "But I should not. You shouldn't ask God to interfere, Castiel."

"You are not yet God, brother. Perhaps you could… do me one favor. This is the only thing I ask of you. If you do not want to perform the ritual, could you at least guide the Winchesters?"

Michael considers me quietly and then nods. "You've done very much for me, and it would be ungrateful to deny your last request when you've chosen to die for all of us. Very well, then—I will appear to them when it is time to begin the ritual, and I will walk them through the steps."

"Thank you, Michael."

He gives me a sympathetic smile. "Say a proper goodbye to Dean, all right? He deserves at least that much."

"I will."

I land in a garage and see a demon strapped to a chair in a Devil's trap.

"I promise you, pal. Start talking," Dean is saying as he walks into the Devil's trap, "or I swear, I will rip your skin off, strip by strip. And then I'm gonna kill you." He leans in close. "And then I'm gonna do it to the next demon. You hear me?"

"Yeah," the demon responds, and his eyes switch to black. "I hear you."

Dean is caught off-guard, and as the demon throws Dean backwards against a large, black van, I see the tiny break in the red paint of the Devil's trap. The demon breaks out of his restraints and approaches Dean, placing his hand around his neck. I need to act.

"So you can stop talking, you miserable sack," the demon snarls.

I shift so that I'm right behind the demon and place my hand on the back of his bald head, smiting him. He burns out of the human body, but his empty host is already dead, and it collapses to the side. Dean looks down at the body and then up at me, shocked.

The look of surprise on his face is so familiar, and for a split second, I can pretend that I've just saved him from a demon on a regular hunt. But then the shuttered look comes over his eyes again, and the illusion shatters right before my eyes.

"I didn't ask for your help," he says as he catches his breath.

"Well, regardless, you're welcome," I answer.

"Why are you here?" he asks, walking past me.

I don't know what to say. "I had no idea Crowley would take Lisa and Ben."

"Yeah right," Dean says, and his tone of voice is somehow painful to me.

"You don't believe me," I observe, turning to look at his back.

"I don't believe a word that's coming out of your mouth," he responds, and he also turns to look back at me. The smile on his face looks so wrong, so out of place, so jarring when paired with the tone of his voice, and I have to look away for a moment to collect myself.

But I quickly lift my eyes to meet his again. "I thought you said that we were like family," I say, and the thought causes a strange sensation inside me, like something jagged is caught in my chest, and every breath, every word, forces it to shift and tear at me. "Well I think that too," I continue nevertheless. "Shouldn't trust run both ways?"

"Cas, I just can't…"

"Dean, I do everything that you ask. I always come when you call, and I am your friend," I say, and I realize that the eyes of my vessel are becoming misty. I press on, "Still, despite your lack of faith in me, and now your threats, I just saved you, yet again. Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you? All I ask is this one thing."

"Trust your plan to pop Purgatory?" he says.

"I've earned that, Dean."

Dean just scoffs and shakes his head minutely.

"I came to tell you that I will find Lisa and Ben, and I will bring them back," I say impulsively. I hadn't exactly meant to do so before, but if it will win Dean's trust back, I am willing to do almost anything. "Stand behind me, the one time I ask."

He steps closer, anger flashing in his eyes. "You're asking me to stand down?"

Oh, no. "Dean."

"That's the same damn ransom note that Crowley handed me. You know that, right? Well no thanks. I'll find 'em myself. In fact, why don't you go back to Crowley and tell him that I said you can both kiss my ass."

With that, he turns away and takes a few steps, putting distance between us.

I swallow hard. The ache in my chest intensifies. I open my mouth to speak, but I have nothing to say. Dean is truly done with me. In his eyes, I am now no better than Crowley, no better than a demon. And finding Lisa and Ben for him will not change anything.

I take flight, seeking sanctuary.

Moments later, I land in the clearing where I first lost Balthazar, where I first grieved his "death," and drop to my knees. My forward momentum continues involuntarily, and I brace myself with both hands in the dirt, letting my head hang. I blink several times, forcing tears back, and swallow hard.

I cannot feel this way, if I am to win.

But what is the point of winning if I've already lost Dean?

No—I still have to win. I've gone too far to lose now. If I back out, Raphael will win. He will try to restart the Apocalypse. But potentially worse is the fact that Crowley may have enough information to try to find Purgatory on his own, and if all that power is taken by him, he could bring down all of Heaven. He could rule over Hell, Heaven, Purgatory, and the Earth as well.

I did not think it would come to this when I made my initial choice, but I will see this war through to the end. As for Dean… if I have to lose his friendship in order to save his world, then so be it.

I just wish it did not hurt so much.

I land in the temple and fold my wings behind me carefully.

"Oh, good—you're already here," Chronos says, his head jerking up so that he can see me.

"I've already made arrangements for the ritual. I just have to… say goodbye to someone."

"Troublesome," Chronos says with a frown. "The time frame has shifted slightly, and we'll have to get started earlier than I'd anticipated. I suppose you still have a few minutes."

"I shouldn't need long," I say.

"You'd better hurry, then," the god says, looking back down at his work. There are a variety of different herbs and spices, along with some stones that look ancient. I won't ask how he got a hold of them in such a short amount of time.

"I… I was going to do this by entering his dreams. It is nighttime where he lives, so—"

Chronos nods without looking at me. "I will give you a warning when it is time—this is a time spell, so it must be precise. But don't worry. If you don't come back on your own…"

"Yes, you've already told me."

"Have I? Apologies. This is very distracting. Go on, then."

I shift out of the realm and cross the world, entering Dean's mind. He's not dreaming when I arrive, which suits me perfectly. I set up a dream for him, just of me and him together, walking into his bedroom at Bobby's.

Dean grins when he sees me and pulls me into a kiss, kicking the bedroom door shut behind him. "I thought you said Balthazar would be working on healing you all night," he says when we part.

"I…"

Then his grin gets even bigger. "Wait a second… Cas, are you dream-stalking me again? Damn, aren't you a kinky bastard—dream sex, really?"

I just smile, pulling him closer and placing a hand on the back of his neck. I apply some pressure to get him to lower his head, and then I lean up to kiss his forehead. He backs up slightly to look at me, and I maintain the same smile, but I can't help thinking about how I'll never see how brightly his soul glows again.

"Cas…" he murmurs suspiciously, "…why are you visiting my dreams? If you're all better, shouldn't you be here in person?"

"Dean, don't ask—"

There's a sharp tug on the fabric of the dream as Dean tries to wake up, but I forcefully hold him under. Dean shakes his head frantically, tears already welling up in his eyes—apparently I've given it away. And it makes sense, now that he can to some extent tap into my emotions.

"No. Cas, don't—please," he says, falling to his knees.

I drop to my knees in the same motion and frame his face with my hands, wiping tears from his cheeks. "I will never truly leave you," I say. "Not as long as you carry me in your heart."

Dean shakes his head again. "Fuck you and Sam and your stupid rom coms. I want you here, Cas, not some bullshit about you being in my heart. You promised never to leave me—you remember that, don't you? You promised, Cas. You never break your promises."

"I'm sorry, Dean. I won't be able to keep this one."

"Cas, I can't—"

"Yes, you can. You will live a long, happy life, and—"

"I won't be happy without you, Cas."

"You will learn to in time. The human soul is miraculous. It can—"

"I don't care what the human soul can do," Dean breaks in emphatically. "I can't fucking do it, Cas. I can't. Not without you." His head lolls forward, and our foreheads press together. "Not without you," he repeats in a whisper.

"You must," I say as a slight tug begins on my wings. It must be Chronos, reminding me of my time limit.

So soon? It's hardly been two minutes since I arrived.

"Dean," I say urgently. "As soon as I depart, you will wake up. When—" I stop myself before saying the damning words, when I'm dead "—when all is ready, Michael will appear in the guise of your father—you must not be alarmed. He will guide you through the steps of the ritual, and he will provide the necessary ingredients. You have limited time, and you have to hurry, but Sam and Bobby will help you, and Michael will be there to—"

"I don't give a damn about the ritual," Dean says through gritted teeth.

"Will you have me die in vain, then?"

"I don't want you to die at all, Cas!"

I smile, and it hurts. "Dean, look at me. Look at me." He obeys, brilliant green eyes shining with tears. "That… that is the best gift you could ever have given me."

He shuts his eyes again and shakes his head. "You stupid, stupid child. How can you even say that?"

The insistent tug on my wings grows stronger. "Dean, I am running out of time. Please, do this one last thing for me."

He shakes his head, clutching me tighter to his chest as though it will make a difference.

"Tell me you love me."

"I love you," he says, and though his voice shakes, he doesn't hesitate.

"As I love you," I respond.

The dream unravels.

Author's Note: Agh, all the angst! This story is seriously 90 percent angsty feels.. xD