YEOWCH, my hand cramped some four times because I was rushing to write and release this chapter after finishing my college homework. But the first half of Episode 19 is here, and it's bringing some Old-Country humor and drama! Enjoy!!
Episode #19: Betroth-Ed
In front of Eddy's house, we see the Eds wearing chef hats as they prepare to cook a giant omelet in a giant pan, which is on a giant portable stove that, with the pan, takes up Eddy's driveway and half of his lawn. Next to the pan are two armchair-sized bowls. Ed is bringing a stack of eggs to Double-D and Eddy, who has a giant spatula while Double-D is mixing herbs, spices and shredded cheese into one of the two bowls.
"I got the eggs, guys!" Ed tells his fellow Eds.
"Ok Ed, get crackin!" Eddy tells Ed as he heats up the pan. "I can see it now! First we'll take some of this godly super omelet for ourselves, then we'll sell the rest to the neighborhood at five bucks apiece! We're gonna be swimmin in cash!"
"And buttery fat!" Ed adds while beating the eggs in the second bowl with a mixer. Once he's done, Double-D adds some salt, pepper and spices.
"Is the butter ready, Eddy?" Double-D asks Eddy, who suddenly vanished while off-screen. "... Eddy?......... Ed, have you seen- ED?!" Ed has also disappeared!
Then Rolf zips up: "Make haste we must, physically lesser Ed boy!" Rolf says as he grabs Double-D and takes him to his farm, where we see a huge, wooden, bucket-like structure similar to the one used for jelly in "Mirror Mirror On the Ed." It has a ladder going up to a platform at the top, and Rolf takes Double-D up to it. A pile of clothes is seen at the top, confusing Double-D.
"Rolf, what's going on?" Double-D asks Rolf, who takes off Double-D's shirt! "ROLF, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! AAH!!" Double-D screams as all his clothes are forcibly removed and tossed into the pile by Rolf, then Rolf throws him down into the bucket. Double-D splashes into the bubbly pink water inside. He surfaces from being thrown in, is covered in pink bubbly foam, and realizes that the bucket is actually...
"... And old-fashioned bathtub!" Double-D says, then he sees Eddy and Ed in the tub as well: "Eddy! Ed!"
"He got you, too?" Eddy asks Double-D.
"Rolf's gotten all of us." Nazz says as she swims on-screen through the bubbly water, then we also see Paul, Kevin, Jenna, Zoe, Jimmy, Kyle and Sarah in the tub!
"The dude fuckin stripped us against our will and threw us in here." Kevin gruffly explains.
"I thought he was gonna rape me at first." Sarah says with a quiver.
"I ain't complainin; warm bubble-baths are the most WICKED! It's almost like a jacuzzi!" Zoe exclaims, sticking her foot out towards Kyle: "Suck my toes, Kyle!"
"No worries here, either!" Paul agrees with Zoe. "Bein in a tub with naked women is actually a dr-"
Jenna punches Paul's head underwater before he could finish. Then everyone in the tub hears Jonny:
"WHOA, ROLF! OH SHIT! ROLF, STOP!! AAAHH-" Jonny is stripped down and thrown into the tub by Rolf. "PLANK, YOU OK UP THERE?!"
"The wood needs no bathing, Jonny dawg!" Rolf tells Jonny, then Eddy asks "HEY STRETCH, WHAT'S UP WITH ALL THIS?!"
"Ask no questions yet, tabletop Ed boy." Rolf replies to Eddy as he pours in a whole bunch of ice cubes from a metal bucket as big as he is, and everyone in the tub SCREAMS as they're pelted by the freezing ice cubes! Rolf then takes out a huge wooden spoon and uses it to stir and swoosh the bathwater, swirling everyone around in it. After Rolf finishes stirring, everyone is dazed and covered in bubbly foam.
"I'm seeing stars, guys!" Ed says, dizzily gazing at stars like when he hit his head on a branch in "The Luck of the Ed."
"CARE TO TELL US NOW, ROLF?!" Kevin asks.
"Rolf will explain everything once he finishes cleaning you guys." Rolf replies as he opens a large jug labeled "YEMUK."
"What's that?" Jimmy asks.
"You may know it as 'shampoo!'" Rolf answers, then he pours the clear bluish "shampoo" onto everyone in the tub. "Now work it into your scalps so Rolf can finish the job."
The bathers promptly scrub the "shampoo" into their hair, then Rolf stirs and swooshes them around again. Once finished, Rolf opens a circular hatch on the tub's side just above the water level, and everyone in the tub crawls out through it. All their butts, private spots, and the girls' chests are covered in bubbly foam before Rolf passes towels to them. As Jonny dries himself, his afro poofs up.
"Rolf apologizes for the intrusion of your daily shenanigans, homies. But there's reason to Rolf's madness." Rolf says.
"And what would that be?" Sarah asks.
"Rolf needed you all squeaky and spotless for the arrival of Rolf's betrothed." Rolf answers, surprising Double-D, Nazz and Jenna.
"Betrothed?" Ed asks, and Eddy asks "What does that mean?"
"It means Rolf is getting married!" Nazz answers, surprising everybody and they look at Rolf!
"Dude, you're eighteen and already gettin married!?" Kyle asks in shock, and Rolf bobs his head.
"Yes." Rolf answers and explains: "In the Old Country, a boy becomes a man once he hits the age of eighteen, after which point he must come together with a fair woman in holy matrimony. And since Rolf hit eighteen back in January, the time has come for his matrimony."
"So, does that mean your fiance is comin here?" Jenna asks.
"That's right, Neotropical Jenn girl." Rolf confirms. "She'll be arriving right about..." Rolf checks his sundial wristwatch ("Who's Minding the Ed") just before he and the others hear a sounding horn. Rolf shouts "SHE HAS COME! QUICK EVERYONE, MOVE FAST AND GET DRESSED!"
We see a horse-drawn wagon coming into the center of the cul-de-sac and it stops in front of Rolf's house, where we see Rolf's mom Hanna looking out the front window.
"They have arrived!" Hanna informs her husband Noah, Nana & Nano, and Rolf's other relatives, who came for the upcoming marriage.
"What is taking Rolf so long?" Noah looks around impatiently.
"Rolf is here, Papa!" Rolf zips in. "Where's Fido?"
Fido barks as he comes on-screen, carrying something made of sheeps' wool on his back. With Fido present, Rolf steps outside, followed by Fido, his parents & grandparents, and the rest of his family. Fido stands to Rolf's left on the lawn, while his parents are to the right. Rolf's grandparents, his family, the Eds, teens, and kids all stand behind him as a man and a teenage girl hop out of the carriage. Both are dark-skinned and green-teethed like Rolf and his family. The man has heavily-built arms, gray-black hair done into a ponytail, a long tapering beard, and wears the same attire as Noah. The girl has long black hair reaching her knees, an orange mouth with a light blue tongue, a red kerchief holding her hair back, red sea urchin earrings, a black bodice over a white blouse, a full blue skirt with a white apron, long black socks, and wooden clog shoes.
"That's her?" Eddy asks upon seeing the girl, and everyone smiles.
"Who is she, Rolf?" Ed asks.
"Nell, her name is!" Rolf answers, flashing back to when he and Nell were youngsters in the Old Country, playfully running and chasing each other through a field of sheep with mountains in the background. "She and I were closest of friends back when we lived in the Old Country."
"I could see why, Country Boy! Damn, she's bangin!!" Paul exclaims. Nell approaches Rolf with a smile, and Rolf bows on his knees.
"My dearest Nell!" Rolf takes Nell's hand and kisses it. "Welcome to the residence of Rolf!"
"It's wonderful to be here, Rolf!" Nell exclaims, also having a thick Old-Country accent.
"Rolf will now give the traditional wedding dress he has made for you! Made from our finest ewes' wool!" Rolf takes the wool item off Fido's back, revealing it as the elegant wedding dress he made for Nell. "Thanks to Rolf's Mama for assistance!"
"Aww, that's so sweet!" Nazz comments while Nell thanks and hugs Rolf.
"Papa, will you take my dress?" Nell hands her folded wedding dress to her father, the man who came out of the carriage with her, for safe keeping.
"Now to introduce Rolf's family!" Rolf points out each relative: "There's Papa, whom you've already met; then there's Mama, Nano, and Nana; uncles Boris, Norbert, and Norbert's wife Daria; aunties Bethany, Luda, Masha, and Masha's husband Duncan; and cousins Hector, Hera, Kari, Bastian, Colin, and little Isabelle! And over here are Rolf's dear friends Kevin; Jonathan 2x4 & his hunk of wood pal, Plank; Paul; Nazzarine; Jennifer; Edwin; Eddward with two D's, aka Double-D; Eddy; Amy Zoe; Kyle; James, aka Jimmy; and lastly, Edwin's sister Sarah!"
"Huh, wait... BASTIAN is here?!" asks the bug-eyed Sarah.
"Ah yes, he is!" Bastian, who was first mentioned in "The Eds are Coming," pops up beside Sarah! Bastian appears to be about a year older than Sarah, has dark brown neck-length hair with three bangs sticking out like Kevin's hairs, a red mouth with a purple tongue, and he also has a bucktooth. He wears red overalls over a yellow shirt, wooden clog shoes, and a purple fez-like hat decorated with a large feather. He takes Sarah's hand: "And yes, I still wish to kiss you under the membrane of a yak!"
Freaking out, Sarah releases her hand from Bastian's grip and runs from him, but he merely chuckles and gives chase. Zoe jokingly shouts "RUN, SARAH! RUN!!" while Kyle chuckles, and Jimmy just watches.
"You know, Eddy, I actually feel wonderful for Rolf's soon-to-be holy union with Nell now!" Double-D exclaims. "Not to mention another grand oppurtunity to learn more about the quirky customs of the Old Country!"
"It sorta is a wonderful sight, Double-D!" Eddy agrees. "Yo Rolfy, you got a best man or what?"
"Oh, Rolf has considered Kevin boy for that honorable title!" Rolf answers, catching Kevin's attention:
"Wait, what? What am I doin?" Kevin asks.
"Will you be Rolf's best man on this special occasion?" Rolf asks, and Kevin answers "........... Yeah sure, anything for my boy Rolf!"
"Word! You'll be needing these, then!" Rolf tosses Kevin's hat away, replacing it with a horned yak mask. Then he replaces Kevin's shoes with rubber clogs resembling yak's hooves, which Kevin has trouble walking in and he quickly crashes. Rolf tells him "Your suit will be ready by tomorrow morning! Now come, Nell! Rolf has much to show you inside his dwelling!"
While Rolf leads Nell inside the house and everyone follows, Noah and Nell's dad remain outside.
"Perhaps we should discuss the moving plans now." Nell's dad says.
"Right." Noah replies.
Inside Rolf's house, while Rolf shows Nell the sippy bird ("Knock Knock, Who's Ed") in his living room, Paul comes next to Nell: "So Farma Girl, ya got any luggage back in yo carriage? I'll help bring it in! Eh?!"
"Don't get too close, Paul boy." Rolf casually warns away Paul, then he calls over Ed: "Chinless Ed boy, Rolf needs you to descend to the cellar and bring up a hundred pounds of squash for the family feast."
"Will do!" Ed affirms, going towards the basement door in the kitchen after Rolf gives him they key. Bastian amorously chases Sarah through the kitchen as Ed unlocks and enters the basement. Meanwhile...
"And this is the room of the son of a shepherd." Rolf shows Nell his room, accompanied by Double-D, Eddy, Jimmy and Jonny. Rolf's room now has several rock and hip-hop posters, a modern-day TV, and a huge stuffed eel that's so long that it's mounted along the room's entire perimeter!
"Oooooo, the daughter of a shepherd is amazed!" Nell exclaims. "I wish my parents were lenient enough to let me decorate my own quarters. I must always hide new things from them, such as this booming box of musical tunes." Nell takes out a boombox from her pocket via hammerspace: "An abomination, Papa calls it."
"Looks quite retro!" Double-D comments Nell's boombox, and Eddy remarks "It'd go good in my room!"
"If your folks abhor such modernization, then Rolf will stow away your secret belongings as a good husband." Rolf takes Nell's boombox.
"Actually, I planned on making it a gift of matrimony to you!" Nell tells Rolf.
"That's so touching!" Jimmy comments with a tear, while Jonny says "And here Plank and I were, thinkin Rolf was gonna do all the giving."
"Nell gave Rolf his suit when Rolf visited her home in Cherry River, wood boy." Rolf tells Jonny. "Now Nell, behold Rolf's wardrobe of magnificence!"
Rolf opens up his wardrobe closet, revealing all of his clothes. Nell looks at his Urban Ranger outfit: "What's this one?"
"This is Rolf's Urban Ranger uniform!" Rolf exclaims, taking out his UR uniform to show it to Nell: "With over one thousand badges to solidify Rolf's leadership status in the Peach Creek Division, and Jimmy, Jonny & Plank here are my trusted right-hand rangers!"
Jimmy and Jonny salute, then Nell asks "Do you have more urban ware, Rolf? Because I wish deeply to see more of the curious American culture my parents shunned me from!"
"Ahaha, Rolf has sung his own songs known as rap! Double-D Ed boy here has recorded and made them into CDs!" Rolf explains. "Double-D, bring the CDs over so Nell may see Rolf's rapping talent!"
"Oh my God, Rolf really wants to show those vids!" Eddy starts laughing, and Double-D says "Um... I don't mean to be rude or disrespectful, Rolf, but I don't think those particular videos are adequate for this type of-"
"BRING THEM OVER!!" Rolf yells, the volume of his voice blowing Double-D out of his room and into the opposite wall, prompting Double-D to utter "As you wish, Rolf..."
Later, Rolf shows Nell his farm: "Here is our family farm! Among our livestock we have cows & a bull, horses, goats, pigs, roosters, hens, sheep, a sheep dog as you've already seen, rabbits, peafowl for the ceremony's decor, and Nana's personal llama!"
"Wow, my Papa's puny farm pales in comparison!" Nell comments.
"Oh, and a little secret, Nell: Rolf actually snipped some fleece from his grandmother's Andean camelid to glamorize your dress!"
"You did WHAT?!" Nana asks, having suddenly appeared behind Rolf! "CUT MY LLAMA'S FUR, WILL YOU?!"
"Please excuse Rolf while he runs until commercial's end." Rolf tells Nell, Eddy, Jonny, Jimmy and Nazz before he runs from the enraged Nana, who uses her walker to slowly chase after him!
"Well, since Country Boy's gone, ya need help with anythin?" Paul asks Nell after appearing out of nowhere like Nana. "Cuz if ya do, I'm right here!"
Jenna stretches her arm on-screen, grabs Paul by his ear, and drags him towards her: "What the hell are you doin, Paul?"
"Just experimentin." Paul explains: "I read that bein helpful will better my relationships with girls, so I'm tryna offer some service."
"This ain't the time for experimentin." Jenna yanks Paul's ear, stretching it and causing him pain. "Rolf will mount your head on his wall if you 'experiment' with his fiance."
"I ain't tryna take her away, Baby Bonita! I just wanna construct a solid friendship!" Paul says. "Now please let go of my ear!"
Jenna releases Paul's ear, causing it to catapult back and knock him off-screen.
Meanwhile, Ed returns from the basement with a load of squash. He leaves them on the kitchen counter while Rolf's and Nell's parents, plus Rolf's Nano, talk nearby at the table. Rolf's folks sit on one one side, Nell's on the other. Nell's mom is chubby, has brown hair tied into a large bun, and her attire is largely the same except for having a red skirt instead of blue. While leaving the kitchen, Ed catches wind of their conversation, and listens to it from behind the kitchen doorway.
"But it is too soon, yes?" Hanna asks.
"Rolf cannot stay forever, Hanna." Noah tells Hanna. "We have no time to waste."
"Noah is right." Nell's dad says. "With the ceremony commencing in two days, we must decide quickly upon where he and Nell will go once they unite."
"Ok, then. How does that spacious property in Green Almond Rill sound?" Hanna suggestively asks.
"Green Almond Rill is within the sickening vicinity of Lemon Brook, so an option, that is not." Nell's dad dismisses.
"I would have considered an area in Bananna Bluffs, had it not fallen into the sea with the cliff it was perched on." Noah says.
"Earl and Telma, have you any suggestions?" Nano asks Nell's parents (Earl and Telma) after coughing a bit.
"Well, I do have this one place in mind." Telma says. "There is this most pristine farmland to the west. In the San Joaquin Valley, if I am not mistaken. It has abundant green pastures, fertile soil, and plentiful rainfall that will provide excellent harvest. Our children will be happy there."
"We will look more into it, then. I approve." Noah puts his hand on the table, then Earl puts his hand on Noah's: "Then it is settled, yes?"
"Yes, but we shall tell not them of this until they come together That way, they will have no choice but to move." Noah says.
Ed gasps at what he heard, then he runs off...
On Ed's and Sarah's lawn, Ed gathers all his friends, with only Sarah being absent as she's being chased by the amorous Bastian around Rolf's house. Ed tells his friends everything he heard, and they are greatly shocked! Paul yells "WHAT?!"
"The San Joaquin Valley? That's all the way in California!" Double-D reacts in shock.
"No way, I don't believe that!" Kevin reacts, saddening. "I can't believe that."
"You mean Rolf is... moving away?" Jimmy asks.
"But Rolf is too awesome to move away." Zoe says.
"I heard it straight from the horse's mouths." Ed says. "No wait, it was Rolf's and Nell's dads' mouths, but you know what I mean."
"Where's Rolf? Does he know about this?" Nazz asks.
"I read in my Cultural Studies book that, as soon as they marry, Old Country newlyweds must move out of their old homes and into a new location selected by their fathers." Double-D explains. "But judging from what Ed heard, Rolf doesn't know."
"We gotta tell him." Eddy says, beginning to set out for Rolf when Double-D stops him.
"Eddy, we can't just go up and tell Rolf of this!" Double-D reasons. "Rolf has grown attached to Peach Creek and to the American culture. If we tell him that he's moving away from here, it'll frustrate him to a level we'll probably never be able to fathom. And when that happens he, more likely than not, will abject to the marriage. Worst-case scenario, that will give rise to enormous tensions and bitterness between him, his family, Nell's family, and maybe even Nell herself!"
"... Damn, you got a point there, Sockhead." Eddy admits, snapping his fingers. Kyle asks "What do we do, then?"
"We gotta find a way to split Rolf and Nell apart somehow." Jonny says, then listens to Plank: ".............. Plank says to make em hate each other."
"Sounds good, Jonny boy!" Eddy approves. "Everybody, let's start thinkin up plans. Should one fail, we'll try another."
To Be Continued...
Trivia: One of Rolf's cousins, Hera, is named after Zeus's wife Hera from Greek mythology.
I tried being creative with words in Rolf's native language. For example, Rolf's "Rosuk" oil from BPS and the "Yemuk" shampoo from this episode both end with the syllable "uk," which I will consider as meaning "liquid." Likewise, the letter "z" would be for plural nouns, like "koelz (eggs)" from BPS and "guehmirz (squash)" from my "Rise of The Gourd" fic.
Regarding all of Rolf's relatives' way of speaking, I decided to make Rolf's third-person speech unique to him so that he sticks out from his family.