SHOUT OUT! "I'm holla'-ing at you B to the rittni!
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Chapter 37:
In.
Out.
The sound of my breath filled the room.
In.
Out.
A pair of brown eyes on me.
In.
A pair of black eyes on me.
Out.
In.
Out.
Anger.
A soul shifting surge of anger flowing hot through my veins.
A pair of dripping chocolate eyes burning into brown ones, now narrow in fear.
In.
Out.
In.
Ou- caught. My breath caught, my thought caught, everything stopped moving. And then it started, and it started fast.
"What did you do?!" my loud shrieking voice remained fierce despite the heaving in my chest. Jacob turned his face down, shy for the first time in our lives together.
"I'm sorry, Bells…" I lunged forward grabbing the thin white cotton of his shirt in my balled up fists.
"No, Jacob! You don't get to be sorry!" His dark eyes rose up to meet mine, no longer warm and comfortable. Those were the eyes of an opponent. My newest hurdle.
Goodbye, Jacob.
"You don't get that luxury! You chose this! You did this to me, Jacob! How could you!?"
"Come on, Bells. You don't mean that." Jake sighed lifting his large hand to my cheek. "I didn't know what to do, I only know I need you in my life. I'll always need you, you have to get better for me, Bells." He closed his eyes and leaned in to hug me. My hand meet his face in a crisp resentful smack before he got the chance. The offending hand burned from the forceful impact but it hung, forgotten. The fire in my eyes consumed me. Water rushed forth extinguishing the disgusted flames.
"I am NOT sick!" the words seeped in one smooth sound from between my clenched teeth. The hiss before a rattler's attack.
I was pulled back immediately by an insistent cool body seemingly attached to my side.
My face, now hot and wet with terrified hysteria, set directly on Jacob. "Well, I hope you're happy! I hope this is exactly what you wanted! I'm leaving, Jake. They're shipping me off across the country!" with that, Jacob's shocked face snapped back into focus.
"What?" He didn't waist time looking at me, he went directly to Edward.
Jacob's dislike of the idea filled a small part of me with bitter pleasure. He deserved this pain, even if it was only a mere fraction of my own. I followed Jacob's stare to Edward's perfect white face.
"What - you're just going to send her away? You think that will make everything better?"
Edward's jaw tightened instantly. A dark shadow clouded his already black eyes while he turned his flaring face toward an unstable Jacob. When he spoke, the words carrying with them an obvious tinge of distaste.
"I think my father knows what he is doing.", his eyes foamed with savage warning.
I watched the hostile exchange without fear. An unattached spectator. I was team-less. Neither team Jacob or team Edward. Whoever lost shouldn't seek sympathy, not on my part.
"Carlisle is the best. We'll do anything we have to. We will fix this."
Jacob opened his mouth then quickly shut it. Edward's eyes were now positively terrifying.
I didn't blame Jacob for backing down, Edward was anything if convincing. Even I could sense Edward would have his way. He would rip through barriers and break down buildings to make it so. He was already tearing our love apart.
It was time.
It was time and I didn't know what to do.
I didn't know how to protect myself.
More tears, would they ever stop? I begged my body to dry up. My hands slapped tight over my eyes.
A child hiding from the boogey man. I hid under fleshy sheets.
"Well…" A sigh I recognized without visual aid. "I hope it works." Jacob's voice also converted, he too was a timid child . "You don't have to believe me, or even like me right now, Bells. But, I do love you, I'll be here." He stopped and gasped for more air. The urgency in his always stable voice had me looking back into his large eyes. "I'll be right here needing you."
I wanted to hug him. The ancient desire to wipe away my best friend's tears, to comfort him and reassure him was overwhelming. For that I was livid. He had no right to provoke such emotions from me. Not after what he just pulled.
My lips curled down in a forced scowl, the tears of hurt cloaked as tears of hate.
"I'll be hundreds of miles away knowing you put me there."
I turned and walked to the Black's front door without a second glance back. I slammed the door open and stomped through.
I waited for the wood to snap shut before letting out a desperate sob. My body leaned back against the house and slid down until I folded into a kneeling position. My hyper breaths weren't enough of a distraction.
Why? Why do I have to hurt everyone I love? It kills me to see Jacob like that, sickens me to know I did it.
My body convulsed in disgust with myself.
Chilly fingers brushed a lock of hair away from my wet face.
"You're upset. Do you wish to apologize?" Edward's gentile whisper tickled my ear. I turned dead eyes to him.
"No." I snarled. My breath hitched and I choked. I grabbed my throat coughing wildly as Edward's face melted into the ever lasting worry.
"I'll get you water." He stood, but I grabbed a handful of denim before he could move away.
"Don't." I choked out. I forced two choppy breaths and mentally powered my body to calm itself.
There.
My breathing evened.
I stood and glared at his devastating beauty.
It mocked me.
You'll never come close. You never had a chance, you were fooling yourself.
More pain.
My insides twisted so tight they dripped blood. My face remained undisturbed.
Good.
I stood my ground, strong and unwilling to take the passengers seat. Edward stared right back. The seconds ticked by without thought. I had no more retreats, no more plans. I was done.
I wasn't giving up, but this quarter was through. Edward was up by one.
"What now?" the words were dead. Emotionless.
Edward's hand snuck around my back and attempted to pull me close.
With the tiniest resistance to his unspoken request his arm fell taking his face with it. "We should go." He motioned forward.
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Edward's car pulled to a smooth stop in front of Charlie's driveway. I shot him an irritated glare, "What are you doing?!"
"Do you want to tell your father?" His question was sincere, that was clear as day. No underlying purpose or show of overbearing. He truly intended to allow me this decision, which made it harder. If Edward demanded me either way the solution would be clear, I'd choose the opposite. This was different. I was in charge.
I turned my neck and took in the house outlined with a thick morning fog. Somewhere inside Charlie was busying himself with some menial task or perched on the recliner watching an old game. I laughed at the predictability of my father, my stomach lurched. It was love. My insides were shouting at me - YOU LOVE HIM!
I know! I hissed silently back. I did love Charlie, I wanted him to know me. To be in on every little secret. Make it our secret, but he couldn't handle this. He just wasn't emotionally equipped. I understood and accepted it.
I loved him. He was my dad. I had to say goodbye.
I pulled on the silver lever and pushed my door open before Edward could realize my intentions. I stood up out of the car and walked casually over the front lawn to our door. Edward was next to me before I reached the stoop.
I stepped inside and took in a heavy breath of home, my home. The familiar scent soothed my nerves enough to smile at the sight of Charlie asleep in front of a blank TV in his favorite armchair. I walked over and sat gently on the armrest.
"Charlie?" I called softly.
He bolted upwards so fast my heart jumped and I fell off the chair. Edward caught me before Charlie had time to realize what happened.
"What the-?.. Bells? What are you doing home?"
My forehead crinkled in confusion. Charlie should be asking me where I've been all night, not why I was home, where I belonged.
"Dr. Cullen said you were staying overnight at the hospital for observation. He said the diagnosis wasn't clear yet and that he'd call me when he heard any different."
I rolled my eyes as nonchalantly as possible. Carlisle sure knew how to cover the bases.
I could feel Edward's eyes burning into me as I watched Charlie rubbing the sleep from his tired eyes.
"Yeah, well the thing is…" I struggled to find the best words. Charlie didn't deserve to worry, he was a great father. "It turns out I need to go away for a little bit, dad." It took everything I had to stare back into Charlie's confused eyes. "Carlisle found the problem. I'm sick, it's really rare but Dr. Cullen caught it early enough. After this treatment I'll be completely fine."
This was a quick fix. The best I could come up with on the spot. My eyes hung on my nervous hands and watched as they pulled on a loose thread of my sweater. I wasn't sure if any such disease actually existed, all he had to do was surf the net to become all the wiser.
I let out a breath. I made the right decision. It would kill Charlie to know the truth, to know the real reason the Cullen's were sending me away. He would blame himself.
"Bells, what is it? What do you have?" He took my shoulder and pulled me into a tight hug. I pushed my nose further into the crevice of his neck, and for a moment I felt safe. I didn't want to leave this place, I didn't want to leave him.
Tears welled up then spilt onto Charlie's flannel shirt. I wrapped my arms around his neck and squeezed hard. Maybe if I held on tight enough Edward couldn't rip me away.
"The disease is extremely rare. It appears to be a mutant strand from an ancient virus. It hasn't been identified in over three hundred years." Edward's cool intellect left Charlie gawking. I scowled at his cold explanation. The entire purpose for lying to Charlie was to keep him from worrying. Edward made it seem like I suffered from the flesh-eating plague.
Edward took in my reaction and turned to Charlie with a reassuring smile. "With modern technology and Carlisle's advanced research, treating Bella will be quite simple." He turned back to me and what I saw caught my breath. His cold black eyes thawed right in front of me, solid orbs of marble black into puddles of molten gold. My long dead heart thumped against my chest leaving a bruise. He smiled.
"She'll return to perfection."
My breath slowed and intensified. A whirl-pool of emotion raged, taking my level-headedness down into the plummeting depths. Where had this frozen over emotion come from?
A fluke! He's doing this to you on purpose! He's tricking you and you're gullible enough to fall for it! He will do anything to ruin this. You heard him say it!
I shook my head with closed eyes trying frantically to throw one of the arguing voices from my mind, which one I wasn't sure.
Neither budged.
I sighed. The whispering voice rasping a protest of subdued love was cut off, paralyzed by its slave master's steel backbone. Despise rushed through my veins. A hardened face and fiery eyes glared back into Edward's for his underhanded attempt. Will he stop at nothing?
His jaw locked, eyes returning from honey to black in half the time.
"We just need to pack a few of Bella's belongings. She will be gone for some time."
Charlie turned from Edward to me, his eyes only grasping half of what was being said. His worried face had the opposite effect of Edward's and Jacob's. It was an entirely different worried. Charlie was sad I had to leave, he would miss me. He would be alone again. That thought was twice as painful as the frightening thought of me being alone. I hugged my dad.
Why?!
"I know. This sucks, dad." His arms tightened around my waist. A silent agreement. The love an emotionally awkward father showed his daughter instead of words.
It felt just as pure.
"Just get better, Bells." I leaned out of his embrace to take in his face. He was so hard to read. "I don't really understand what's going on inside you, but if Carlisle does, then that's comfort enough for me as far as you getting taken care of. I just need you to promise you'll put the old Swan effort into kicking this thing's butt. This old man has gotten used to having his daughter around. Who else is going to use all the hot water up? Or leave a curling iron on in the bathroom all day just waiting to give me a third-degree burn?"
My smile was effortless, and the giggle that followed, authentic.
"I'm more concerned about who will be cooking your dinner and cleaning the house." I added in pseudo defense.
"Don't you worry about me, Bells. I survived just fine before you started taking care of me. You keep your mind on healing. The best thing you can do for me is recovering and getting back here as fast as possible. I'll be waiting." He smiled the most miserable smile I'd ever seen. "Everyday I'll be waiting, Bells."
A tear ran down my cheek. Why was this so hard? Leaving Jacob was easy in comparison. The air was thick, smothering me in guilt. I needed to get out of there quick.
"I have to pack." I stood and walked to the stairs, I turned around and snuck a peek at the back of Charlie's head. His head bent down, his shoulders slumped over. My heart ripped in two.
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Packing was fast work. I already had half my clothes shoved into a bulging suitcase from the vacation gone bad. I ran around in a hectic frenzy throwing everything else I owned into Charlie's even bigger duffel. Focusing on packing kept my mind off other, terrorizing things and so I thought of every possible requirement. Toothbrush was a definite, as was deodorant. Would I need towels? Did clinics supply linens? A pile of six fluffy white towels got pushed inside the bag. What about a razor? Did they confiscate those, or was that only necessary for suicide patients? I packed one just in case. After sneaking a pair of Charlie's sweats and one of his thick flannel shirts into the duffel I laughed at the swollen bag. I could fit Charlie, Jacob, and Alice into it with room to spare. Through the echo of my hallow laughter the impending seriousness of my situation caught up with me.
More tears.
Tears and a beautiful face lifting ridiculously large bags with style. Hot anger possessed me.
It shouldn't be this easy for him. That luggage held everything. Everything that meant anything. He didn't struggle or stagger. He didn't look back, not once. It was effortless for him.
I stood, watching in horror as Edward walked away with my life.
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I sat balancing on the very edge of a marble counter top with my eyes relaxed shut. One wrong lean and I'd fall down to the hard tiled floor. The difficult position demanded every ounce of concentration, and that was exactly the point. I couldn't afford a second's thought for reality. I tensed my leg muscles in just the right way, my body was motionless and growing weary with every minute I remained so. My brain hardly registered the sound of footsteps drawing near. The noise never surfaced onto my immediate realization and a moment later I had forgotten it completely.
I let out an exhausted breath and repositioned myself into an even trickier stance. I turned my body slightly to the left so I'd be unbalanced and forced to lean most of my weight to the right.
"Oh my god!" I swallowed my stomach and fell off the counter landing hard on the cold tiles.
Deep chuckles filled the kitchen.
Jasper sat perched on the counter next to where I balanced seconds before, silent as a stalking predator.
"Jeez, Jasper! Where did you come from?!" I gathered myself from the floor and pulled back onto the counter with a racing heart.
"You were so calm. The most relaxed I've ever sensed from you. I didn't want to interrupt." He smiled. "I guess I ruined it anyway, your pulse is jumping."
I closed my eyes and inhaled a deep breath forcing myself to trance out. I smiled and looked back at him.
"That's more like it. When did you start meditating?"
"I haven't. I was just… erm… distracting myself." I looked into Jasper's dark brown eyes ready for more laughter. Instead his eyebrows rose. "You were distracting yourself. Mentally distracting yourself?"
I nodded. Is that a bad thing?…
"I'm impressed."
"What?"
"It takes a lot of perceptual will to do so effectively. You've got a strong intellect."
"Umm… thanks."
Jasper smiled down on me, I opened my mouth but couldn't drag up words from the dark corners of my tired mind. It was full, sitting atop my shoulders as a leaded weight, necessary but painful. My ears were sore from the quiet screams echoing from it's walls.
There was no question, keeping up a conversation was just too tedious a task right now, when invisible wars raged above my tense neck. It was as if I saw the word through a clouded window, a construction site mid demolish. I saw Jasper, but just barely, out of focus and in constant strain to concentrate on his words and there meanings. It was too hard. I looked down at my legs seeing nothing offering my psyche a quick rest.
"Bella, I've never been one to beat around the bush. Everyone else is tiptoeing around you, scared that you might snap."
I looked up at Jasper in disbelief. I didn't believe what he was saying. No one ever offered me any such luxury. If Edward sugarcoated anything I would have had more time, and time was what I needed.
"You're dying, Bella."
My face twisted into a knot of incredulity. Shocked into silence I gawked with my mouth wide.
Jasper closed his eyes and rolled his blond head backwards while sucking in an extensive amount of air through his nose. He held it in for a few seconds then slowly released it through a slit in his lips. He kept his eyes closed and back as he continued, "I can feel it, Bella."
My face relaxed as I watched him.
"I feel the loathing. The miss guided pride and satisfaction. My stomach is a knot of ruthless emotion." He opened his eye only slightly without shifting an inch to look at me, "Your knot." His eyes slid shut. "Everyday is battle between joy, hate, anger…" He paused as his eyebrows pulled together in concentration. "Always so much anger…"
I looked down. It felt wrong to watch Jasper. Like watching a car crash, I wanted to leave. I didn't wish to hear anymore.
"…glorification and fright." Jasper pulled his head back upright and his deep brown eyes reflected my image. "You're so scared, Bella and you don't want anyone to know."
I looked away.
"I know you're terrified… and not just of what we're doing to you." I twisted my head as far away from his poison as I could and attempted to drown his words out with the racket of my mind.
"You're afraid of what will happen if we don't do something."
He paused.
I didn't care, I wanted him to stop.
"Everyday little pieces of who you were, fall away. She's growing fainter, weakened, and drowned out by another force. One that you have already surrendered to. Nothing you do now can ever bring back what you were."
Tears flowed freely down my cheeks. Jasper had torn right through exposed nerves. I had no pride left as I turned to him with desperate pleas to stop, begging from my eyes. He took me in, all of me. My tragedy was his.
"There is still time to save what's left."
I wiped my face dry. Don't listen to him. He's only trying to overpower your mental defenses. This one is strong, he's attacking you through your emotions. Using his gift against you…
"If you let this go on, Bella, you'll die. Time is running out, and you know it."
"Hello, Bella." Alice's musical voice sounded from behind me. I turned and the entire Cullen family stood watching.
"I just got off the phone with Dr. Dore, the facility has your room ready. I think you'll find it satisfactory. It's a private sweet, the best available."
My stomach dropped.
"We're all going with you, you don't need to be frightened, Sweetie." Esme took a step closer and placed my hand gently into her own.
My eyes were paralyzed unable to move from Carlisle. His lips moved slightly down, "I'll be there to admit you and brief Dr. Dore, she's going to be working with you. I'll make sure you get settled in and everything is taken care of before I leave."
I know their words were intended comfort, but they just made this nightmare real. This is really happening. It's happening right now!
I shook with nauseated fear. Jasper hopped off the counter like a prancing stag, smooth and graceful before joining his family stopping just behind Alice.
Alone.
My heart raced causing my head to swim. I saw two blurry forms shift in the crowd, one edging nearer. My knuckles whitened over the marble ledge.
"We have to go, Love." A freezing hand rest on my hot face. I couldn't breath. My breaths were too strong, overworking my lungs, filling the room with a wheezing gurgle. Everything got dark and I was spinning. From a distance a liquid voice. "Bella? Love, are you alright?" A dull thud of something soft hitting a hard surface and hands were suddenly everywhere, my throat, head, chest, stomach, and wrists.
"Carlisle!"
More hands.
I was repositioned while my chest seared in pain. I wanted to scream for help but I didn't have breath enough.
I was underwater. Encased in black turbulent waters. My body crashed here and there against solid current. My lungs screamed for air.
Voices penetrated the water's depth from a far away distance.
"She's having an anxiety attack. Jasper!"
My head broke the surface. A gasp of air inflating my lungs followed by more shallow breaths. Edward's was the first face to come into focus. It meant nothing.
He pulled me into his chest and sobbed into my hair. I looked around at everyone staring at me as I continued to heave. An odd numbness soothing my frazzled veins.
"Jasper, I think it best for you to sit next to Bella." Jasper looked at Carlisle with an indistinct look on his sculpted face. His huge eyes full of expression. What is that? Is it… is Jasper scared of me?
I was surprised, but not shaken. Disheartened but not sad. I was utterly numb.
Jasper, Alice, and Carlisle argued with voices too low to understand. This was ridiculous. I didn't need to be the girl people argued about sitting next to.
"I'll sit alone. It's fine." I hopped off the counter and away from Edward, more like a blind squirrel then Jasper's deer. I tripped over my unadjusted feet before leaving the staring family behind me. I was halfway through the house, front door in sight when a hand pulled my hair.
"OW! What the-?!.." I turned and Rosalie stood with crossed arms and a look reminding me of my classmates from LA High.
"Your hair is disgusting. I'll have to fix it before you get to LA or our family's reputation will be ruined. We don't have enough time though, I have to do it on the plane."
I grabbed a handful of hair and studied it. She was right, it was uncombed and wild. I looked back up at her goddess like face to thank her when I caught her eyes flicker back to me from Carlisle. Everyone studied my face with too much intensity. I was being set up.
I sighed and threw my hair away.
"I don't need your pity, Rosalie." I faced the crowd. "I don't need any of your pity!" My voice grew and grew until I was shouting at the top of my lungs. Hot tears flowing down my steaming face as my spirit pierced through the numbing bubble and exploded into a panicking rage.
"There is NOTHING wrong with me! You are the crazy ones. You all think I'm sick, that I need help? Well you're wrong! I'm perfect! I am exactly what I always wanted to be! I'm happy and all you want to do is lock me up and torture me! You're making me leave my home! My friends, Jacob, my FATHER! My father needs me and you're taking me away from him! You're all cruel and I'll never forgive ANY of you!"
I walked away backwards with fuming fists tightly bound into themselves. Broken faces set on me as I tripped over something I hadn't seen.
I was on the floor pushing away with my feet. My breaths were full, chest heavy, and head unstable. Raw emotion taking over like a veiled evil possessing my body. My fingers curled and legs seized. I had lost control. What's happening?! a scared voice questioned from the dark recesses of my mind.
Edward's blank face and locked jaw braved my insanity. He stepped in front of his sister and began to lean down toward me.
"Get away from me!" I curled up like a defenseless animal, dripping tears onto my folded arms and knees. Pure loath lit my being, ignited by an old love's face.
"Don't touch me! Don't you DARE touch me! You ruined EVERYTHING!"
Edward stood. His face melting from nothing to a tortured painting, screaming in silence. His eyes wide as he stumbled backwards. He stumbled and I was glad.
My nostrils flared while a visible darkness veiled my face. My eyes shifted into intense viciousness meant only for this man. I hissed low poison slowly into his ears, one word at a time. "I hate you."
Edward's face of glory mutated into a disturbing tortured Picasso, his mouth hung wide in silent screams. He was burning alive, from the in-side out. Ruthless flames of his unrequited loves arson. The indescribable look on Edward's face gave my possessor strength enough to pick me up off the floor. I turned to run but huge hands grabbed me by the arm.
"NO!" I screamed loud and high becoming desperately feral. I twisted and scraped Emmett's massive arms. My nails broke and my fingers throbbed in pain that felt amazing compared to the hysteria inflating my chest. Tears flew everywhere soaking the beast restraining me.
"Let me GO!" I kicked and thrashed, then kicked again. My legs were crushing with each blow.
I tried punching, I threw my fist into his rock-chest with nothing to show for the crack of my bone.
"Bella, stop! You're hurting yourself!" Carlisle's voice was uneven. A subdued survival instinct clicked to life from a deep hibernation. I screamed so loud my ears were surely bleeding.
Howls and pure agony overtook me as I contorted and tensed from strength seeping through the will of my parasite.
Suddenly my screams of terror were being challenged.
Alice broke out into high pitched shrieks of her own. Everyone turned frantic heads towards her and Esme gasped.
Alice stood with horrified eyes next to a swaying Jasper, her tiny hands on his shaking chest. His hands clutched his head and bulging eyes were locked on me. I continued to seize as Jasper collapsed to the ground. His frame thrashing as his deep voice filled the room with yells of sheer anguish.
His eyes never leaving my own, magnetic and wide.
"Carlisle!" Alice was desperate, kneeling helplessly next to her husband.
Carlisle looked stunned, as he took in his son. He shook his head and turned to Emmett.
"Get Bella out of here!" Emmett looked from me to his brother and back with a puzzled face.
"Emmett, GO!"
With that I was lifted into the air with ridiculous ease and when my screaming voice cracked, leaving me in silence I found myself surrounded in thick forest.
Emmett placed me down but never slackened his grasp of my upper arm. I slumped onto the frozen earth and Emmett joined me. I huffed in arctic air and it slowed my breaths until I was closer to calm.
When had cold air started soothing me? I exhaled deeply. Forks was soothing to me now. The thought was painful. I had made this town my home.
I looked over to Emmett sitting Indian style resting his gigantic head on a balled up fist. His eyes were locked straight ahead, but they were blank and his thoughts miles away.
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AN - Okay, I'm trying not to go more then two weeks without posting. I think it's safe to say the U.D.s will be more frequent now the semester is coming to an end.
What are your thoughts? Your Comments? I would like to hear them!
This is my favorite chapter so far. It has been the strawberry shampoo make out session chapter for a LONG time, but this one finally overshadows it!
ALSO - This is the last chapter before EPOV gets written - so if you want a say in which chapter it will be GO VOTE!!! (on my profile; click link above)
CHAPTER SONGS -
Time Is Running Out, Muse. (It's original Bella's POV talking to her ED's POV)
How Soon Is Now, t.A.T.u. (It's just how depressed Bella is. She is feeling like she was a nobody, then this huge life changing thing happened and she is still alone. Edward is always there making sure she knows it's the wrong way, but it's all she has.)
Control / Weird Science Remix, Metro Station. (It's basically Bella thinking she has everything in control, but it's falling out of control) (all on play list on my profile)
LUV YOU BRITT!… and Rpattz… and jasper…and carlisle… and Jackson… and …no - I think I'm good, lol.
PLEASE REVIEW/VOTE!