When we all arrived back at camp, we were greeted by half the population, chattering on about the transformation in Kex. I was suddenly hoisted on to the shoulders of the honor guard and paraded around the complex, much to my embarrassment and Canderous's amusement. Kex led the pack, loudly proclaiming his admiration and showing off his lack of a limp. I have to give the Mandoa credit; they work hard, and play hard, and know how to celebrate. The rest of the day became a prolonged party, with ale being pressed on me at every turn. I drank as little as I could get away with, and ramped up my healing enough to keep me from the listing disaster of last night. When attention was finally off me, I slipped away to visit Cressa's grave.
I sat there, mercifully alone for once, and thought about the last ten days. So much had happened I was almost on overload. I pulled my legs up, arms around them, chin resting on my knees, and meditated. Emptying my mind, I reached for the Force, and felt its warm presence around me. I felt centered again, and smiled. I didn't start when Canderous approached and put a hand on my shoulder; I'd felt him long before he got there. He sat next to me, not speaking, just quietly sharing the moment. I leaned back against him, sighing in pleasure.
"How did you ditch the guard?" I asked.
"They're all whooping it up with Kex," he said in his deep voice. "I think Dax is off with Mira somewhere, and Jarxel for once didn't find it necessary to follow me."
"I like your people," I said, smiling. "They're as overprotective as you, though."
"Not really," Canderous said thoughtfully. "We just like to take care of our own. I don't shield you from your own fights."
"You'd like to," I pointed out.
"Of course I would," he said, a slight growl in his voice. "You have an unfortunate habit of finding trouble that makes me crazy. But I don't keep you from taking care of yourself."
"True," I answered softly. "It's one of the many reasons I love you. You don't try to make me something I'm not."
"I get that," Canderous said, equally softly. "I've had that happen too often myself; it's never comfortable."
"How so?" I asked curiously.
"Gerda didn't, but then we more or less grew up together. But there's been other women, and men, that have tried to turn me into someone I wouldn't recognize. Even when I hated who I was, I didn't really want to be someone else." Canderous looked at the new grave, and frowned. "She was one of them," he pointed to the turned earth with his chin. "At first, she tried to make me into an Exchange boss, with her at my side. When I refused, she went after my boss. She likely would have tried to have me eliminated if she had succeeded, either way."
I nodded. "I can see that," I offered. "Who else?"
"Revan," he said quietly. "We all adored her, you know, and she didn't want to change me, exactly, but was never entirely comfortable with what I was. She did change me, without intending to, for the better, it's true. But that was different; more like helping me find my real self again. Most of that party didn't like me much; can't say I blame them, really. I didn't like me that much at the time. But toward the end, there was mutual respect, and even some affection. I wouldn't mind meeting them all again, now."
"Did you love her?" I asked, curious. I wasn't jealous; Revan was obviously the past. But it was a little piece of the puzzle that was Canderous, and I liked to discover new things about him.
"As a friend, yes, although I wouldn't have put it that way then. As a women…a bit, I suppose. She's a worthy fighter, and a strong woman, and she didn't seem to be afraid of me at all. Attractive to someone that was used to being feared." He paused with a deep sigh. "She was, and probably still is, in love with Carth Onasi. But she left a year later, and no one has seen her since. Ladria came back with the Ebon Hawk, and hasn't told anyone what she knows of Revan's whereabouts. Onasi's an admiral now, from what I heard; rumor has it he's waiting for Revan to return."
He had been stroking my hair absently as he remembered, and kissed the top of my head. "But you, Wildcat…right from the start, you weren't afraid of me, even liked me at my worst. I knew as soon as I saw you fight that first time you were something special, and I wanted to know your name, where you came from. That's why I dragged you out of the cantina; I knew I wouldn't get you out of my head if I left you there."
"So much has happened in such a short time," I said, twisting around to look him in the eye. "It would be overwhelming if it wasn't so right."
"My thoughts exactly," Canderous agreed, and kissed me. He pulled back, then asked curiously, "What about you?"
"What do you mean?" I gave him a puzzled look.
"Who has tried to change you?" he clarified.
"Not many," I answered honestly. "I haven't had that many people close enough to try."
"You told me once you'd had a few lovers," he said carefully. "I'm not prying, and not jealous beyond the wish I had been there first. Chalk that up to the possessiveness of the Mandalorian male in general," he said with a self-depreciating snort. "I am curious, though, who would have attracted you before me. You're not the type to sleep with just anyone."
"And you are?" I asked archly.
"I was, sort of," he said honestly enough. "There's always willing women, and I wasn't adverse to their company. I didn't want anyone close, though, so I pretty much kept to one night stands and those who I paid. Cressa was the only 'relationship' I could claim since Gerda died, and you know how that was. There were a few I would have liked to have something more permanent, but I didn't try. Both because I didn't want permanence, and because I was pretty sure they didn't really want me, and would try to change who I was. Now," he said with a leer, "I don't want anyone else."
"Well, neither do I," I said with a smile.
"So who?" Canderous asked, a kath hound with a fresh kill.
I sighed. "No one that matters now," I hedged. He gave me a look. "Oh all right, I know you understand that. My first was right after Mom died; I was desperately lonely and unhappy with my part in that. His name was Jarret Jordimane; I took the similarities in our names as a sign. Stupid, I suppose." I leaned forward, remembering. "He was kind, but a drifter, and I knew he wouldn't stick around. Professional Pazzak player; he was always annoyed that I didn't care for the game. He started asking questions about me I wasn't comfortable with, so I found a job that took me away, before he could go himself. We were together about four months. He was a decent fighter, but resented I was better."
"No many men would deal with that well," Canderous said knowingly. "We all say we don't mind, but underneath we're just a bunch of Neanderthals wanting to prove dominance."
"You're not like that," I protested.
"Sure I am," he said easily. "I just don't let it rule me. I don't resent that you're a better fighter than me, sure, but sometimes I wish that I could protect you better."
"You do fine," I assured him. "I don't make it easy, in any case."
"No, you don't, but then neither do I. Wait 'til I run off with some half-cocked idea; you'll just love that," he chuckled. "So who else?"
"Two of them were pretty much spur of the moment things. Didn't last more than a couple of weeks, and we went our separate ways," I said.
"What about Dax?" Canderous asked, no hint of jealousy or suspicion, but something else; like he knew that things weren't as cut and dried as I had told him. I should have known he'd pick up that sooner or later.
"I told you I didn't sleep with him," I said pointedly.
"So you did, and I know that's true. But something was there once, wasn't it?" He wasn't upset, I could tell, just curious.
"More of a possibility of something," I said honestly. "He would have liked to try, and I wasn't against the idea, but there was Jareth, and I wasn't going to pit friend against friend."
"Jareth loved you too?" Canderous asked, trying to piece it together.
"No, he really didn't. Wanted me, yes. And Dax didn't love me, or me him. It was more of could be, with time. But Jareth and Dax were very close, and I would have put strain on that relationship. Jareth was unreasonable on some issues; he considered Dax a blood brother, and thought that meant that they shared…everything. I, and for that matter Dax, wasn't going to put up with me being passed between them, or Jareth's jealousy if I was with Dax. So we kept it to friendship, and everything worked out fine until that day at the cantina. Dax and I only once talked about it openly, and I turned him down. He took it very well, actually."
I turned to Canderous, and looked him in the eye. "I didn't regret it then, or now. If he had meant enough to me, we would have worked things out."
"I know that, Wildcat. I'm only curious. He's certainly taken with Mira now." Canderous seemed thoughtful. "I'm glad of that; Mira's good people."
"She is," I smiled. "I'm glad of it too. Dax is like a brother to me, now, and Mira feels like a sister. I never had siblings; it's nice to sort of have them now. What about you? Any brothers or sisters?"
"I had a brother once. He died during the war. His name was Calder, and he was three years younger than me, and a good fighter. He was a Colonel and was wildly envious of me making General. He was supposed to be promoted two weeks after his death." His face was sober, but calm. "My sister Cartha, who was five years younger, died in childbirth when I was about your age. Almost killed mother to lose her; she always said Cartha had the most sense of her children. She likely did." His voice was almost dreamy with remembrance. "My parents died just before the war started, in a shuttle accident. Father was a great warrior; he was on his way to discuss battle tactics with the Mandalore and Council. They had chosen him to lead the first assault. Mother didn't like being apart from him, which was why they were both on the shuttle."
"I'm sorry," I said quietly.
"Don't be, cyar'ika. It was a long time ago." He made a dismissive gesture with his hand, and kissed me. "You haven't told me about the last one yet."
"You don't forget a single conversational tangent, do you?" I grumbled.
"Nope." He grinned. "That's what makes a good leader; I listen."
I was silent for a while, trying to find words. Canderous was quiet in my mind, not exactly blocking, just not tuning in, and I was the same. It was comforting, his constant presence.
"I almost married, once," I said softly. "It didn't work out."
"When was this?" Canderous looked a little taken aback at my admission.
"A year after Jareth died," I said, looking up. It was dark now, and I couldn't see his face clearly, but his eyes were bright. "He was a friend of my parents'."
"A jetti?" he asked, his voice tinged with surprise.
"Yes," I said, not looking away.
He looked a little shocked, then interested. "I wouldn't have thought you would get involved with a jetti. Did he know of your abilities?"
"Yes," I answered. "He was Dad's and Mom's best friend, they were all Padawan together, and had been inseparable during training. When my dad and mom left the Order, Stefan was one of those that kept in touch and didn't disapprove. He was also the only Jedi they told that I was Force sensitive."
"So they trusted him completely," Canderous observed.
"Oh, yes," I confirmed. "He visited us regularly during my childhood. I called him Uncle Stefan then. I adored him, and he took a genuine interest in my progress. He never breathed a word to the Order about my abilities."
"So how did Uncle Stefan become your betrothed?" Canderous said, a slightly disapproving look on his face.
"What bothers you, the fact that I thought of him as family as a kid, or that he was old enough to be my father?" I asked bluntly.
"Depends on when he started taking a more personal interest in you," Canderous growled. "Like I have any room to talk about age difference; I'm twenty years your senior."
I gave him a look, and he relented a little. "Not until I was an adult. I am certain he didn't think of me as anything but an honorary niece until then. I hadn't seen him since Dad's funeral when I ran in to him at the space docks on Telos. He tried to help Mom after that, but she withdrew, and from what I gathered, asked him not to visit anymore. I always wondered if he was in love with Mom, and she couldn't deal with it."
"Wildcat, this is almost as strange as me and Cressa so far. You almost married a man who was your parent's best friend, a Jedi, and had possibly been in love with your own mother?" Canderous sounded bemused.
"Put that way, it does sound strange," I admitted. "But it came about so gradually that it wasn't, at least not to us. I was on Telos, collecting on a bounty, and Stefan was at the port as I was heading to my ship. He recognized me, even though the last time I had seen him I had been a gawky twelve-year-old. He was on Jedi business and couldn't stay more than a day. We spent it talking about my parents, and what I had been doing, how I was getting along. He had heard about Mom's death, but well after the fact, and apologized for not being at the funeral. I called him Uncle Stefan by habit, and he made me drop the 'Uncle', saying it made him feel old. It was great feeling less alone, even though I had kept up contact with most of my parents' other friends, none but Stefan that was Jedi knew the truth about my Force connection. Just before he left, he said he'd like to keep in touch, and made me promise to meet him again soon."
"What happened then?" Canderous prompted.
"We met on Onderon," I said. It was strange, in a way, to be talking about Stefan to Canderous, but comforting, too. I understood his ease of talking about Gerda to me now. "I didn't ask how he managed that; he was fairly high up with the Order by then, and I figured he had a lot of freedom. We started making dates to meet, sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for a day or two. I began to look forward to the next time I saw him in a much more personal way, and berated myself for acting like a teenager with a crush. I was astonished when he confessed he felt the same way. So he started courting me. He was very careful about it, both because of his position and because I was the daughter of a dear friend, never mind Dad was dead. The age difference bothered him more than me, I think. I was resistant at first, I wasn't going to be part of his downfall with the Council, and if anyone found out about me, I wasn't sure what they would do.
"Stefan was strong, and patient, and he loved me, enough to risk his whole life. I tried to put him off, but he was persistent, and truth was, I was as much in love with him as he was with me. It took me six months to wear down, and then I moved to Onderon, what I thought then was permanently. I was there a year, with him visiting as often as he could, or me traveling to meeting him. I still took bounties and fought in battle rings to support myself, but those are very flexible occupations." I paused, remembering that year, and how happy I had been.
"He talked about getting married, and I put him off a while." I continued. "Finally, one day I said yes. He was going to leave the order, and we were planning the wedding." I looked up at Canderous with a sad smile. "One day, he came home, and we had a wonderful romantic evening. The next morning he was just gone. I was worried, but who would I report it to? I fretted for three days, when I received a holo, telling me he loved me, but that the Order was suspicious now, and some questions were asked about Drake and Miranne's child. That was what everyone called Dad – Drake. He hated Draguel. The Order made it clear – play it their way, or they would pursue the rumors. Stefan didn't want my life taken over by the Council, or my parent's memory dragged through their debates. He took their punishment, and never contacted me again."
"What did you do?" Canderous asked seriously.
"Wrecked the apartment," I said with a sheepish laugh. "Then I got on my ship after packing up what little I wanted to keep, and headed to anywhere I could get a job." I paused. "I was so angry with him, but mostly, I was mad at myself. I had known from the beginning it probably wouldn't work, but I let myself be persuaded. I was mostly mad because for a while, I let myself think I could have a normal life, and knew better. It was so good not to have to hide what I was, to be encouraged to improve. He trained me some, but I refused to learn most other Jedi abilities. It took a year to really forgive Stefan. He's probably dead now," I said sadly. "With the Jedi assassinations and all."
"He was a fool," Canderous said harshly. "He could have left the order, and married you, but gave you up rather than his Order. I can understand trying to protect you, but how he left was unforgivable."
"No," I said softly. "They wouldn't let him tell me in person. It was clear that they weren't going to be easy on him. He actually had to smuggle out the holo; they were going to make him just disappear. I imagine someone on the Council suspected that not only was I Drake and Miranne's daughter, but I was Force sensitive, and fairly powerful. They couldn't prove it, and chose to keep one Jedi in the order rather than pursue me. If they had made a stink about it, they would have lost Stefan too. I'm positive he made a deal that the Council leave me in peace, in exchange for his compliance. I did wonder if he had something on the Council they would rather not be known."
Canderous thought about that, then shrugged. "I still think he was a fool. But then, I'm glad he was."
I smiled, and kissed him. "Me too."