A/N: I'm pretending the events of the comic He Who Laughs Best never happened, because in my opinion they don't make any sense.

Thank you to Suilven, my dear friend and beta, and to my readers. Your lovely reviews kept me motivated and I wrote like mad these past few days to get this chapter done as fast as possible for you.

Tilia, we're cool. Don't worry. I love your reviews, 'k?

Chapter 36 – Smoke and Death

January 13th, 2183. Arcturus Space Station.

"Captain," Shepard saluted Anderson. "It'll be a pleasure working with you again."

"I've been looking forward to it, too, Commander," he replied and they smiled at each other.

"Have you decided on the rest of the crew, sir?"

"Most of it, yes. I've already requested the transfer of Navigator Charles Pressly from the Agincourt, engineer Greg Adams from the Tokyo, and Doctor Karin Chakwas from the Hastings."

"It sounds like there'll be a lot of pissed off COs out there, sir."

"Well, they can complain to Admiral Hackett if they want, but I doubt they will. Everyone knows how important it is that we succeed in this mission. The Council will keep a close watch on us. They're even sending a Spectre on board — Nihlus Kryik."

"A turian? It figures the Council wouldn't want to leave the most advanced ship in the galaxy in human hands only."

"It's their right, Shepard. The Normandy was built with their funds and turian technology. Now, I'd like to discuss with you some of the names I have lined up for other positions."

"Of course, sir."

"To be the head of our marine detail, how about Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko?"

"Two biotics on one ship, sir?" She didn't know how she felt about the possibility of serving with Kaidan. Would she be able to keep her feelings out of the way? Would he? Of one thing she was sure — his presence there would make it harder for her to keep up with her 'no distractions' resolution for this tour.

"Admiral Hackett made no restrictions on who I could recruit and I want only the best on my team, Commander. Alenko's been head of the marine detail on the Agincourt for over two years now; I'm sure he'll do a good job on the Normandy"

"I've never served with Kai- Lieutenant Alenko before, sir." Being stationed on the Normandy would be big to any officer's career; she couldn't take this opportunity away from Kaidan just because she might have trouble keeping it in her pants. "But, I'm sure he'll be a great addition to the team. I've never met another biotic as powerful as he is."

"Good. It's settled then; I'll request his transfer. Would you like to inform him or should I?"

Shepard didn't want Kaidan to think she had gotten him this post. This was a result of the good work he'd been doing and Captain Anderson calling him would show him that. "You go ahead, sir."

January 20th, 2183

Kaidan thought he would be meeting at least part of the Normandy crew for their first mission briefing. Instead, it was just he and Captain Anderson in a sealed room. The captain was probably worried about him being an L2. This was a matter he had had to discuss with every CO he had ever had.

"Alenko, I'm going to need you to keep an eye on Shepard for me. I think she might have a bit of an issue with aliens."

That couldn't be further from the direction Kaidan had expected this conversation to take. "Aliens, sir?"

"Well… maybe not all aliens, but is she or is she not keeping score of her confrontations with batarians?"

"I don't know anything about that, sir," Kaidan said, the small lie rolling off his tongue easily, as if it were nothing. He hadn't even started serving under her yet, but it seemed she already had his unconditional loyalty.

"She'll be in charge of the ground team and, as the head of the marine detail, whenever you go planetside, you'll be her second in command," Anderson continued. "When she makes a call, it has to be for the right reasons. All eyes will be on her and on this mission and I need you to make sure her head is in the right place. Don't let her forget who we are and what we're fighting for."

"I thought this was just a shakedown run, sir."

"It is not, but, for now, that's all I can tell you. Don't mention anything to the others."

"Understood, sir."

"Just keep an eye on her, Alenko," Anderson reinforced his order before sending Kaidan away.

"Will do, sir."

Kaidan left and went straight to his apartment in the officers' quarters. The SSV Normandy would be docked for a few more days until the rest of the crew arrived, which meant he could enjoy a real bed for a few more nights. The sleeper pods on Alliance ships were usually awful and, even though the Normandy was a state-of-the-art vessel, he doubted the sleeping conditions had been significantly improved.

He wondered about Shepard and where she would be staying. Maybe she'd rather come over to his place, so he called her.

"Hey, Kaidan. Anderson told me you had arrived."

"He's worried about you."

She rolled her eyes. "Tell him I do not have a problem with aliens."

It amused him that she knew what he was talking about before he had even said it. Anderson seemed like a good CO and he seemed to know Shepard well; they must have discussed this matter already. "You're not keeping score against batarians anymore?"

Her expression hardened. "That's… that's different."

"How?"

"Look, Kaidan, I'm busy. Can't we talk about this some other time?"

"You're dodging the question, Shepard."

"I really have to go now."

"Wait." He couldn't let her hang up when the real reason he had called her hadn't even been addressed yet. "Where are you staying?"

"On the ship. Why?"

"You could come over and stay here," with me, "at my apartment."

"We'll be starting our tour together in a week and there are rules against fraternization."

"I'm asking as a friend." His worry about her comfort was genuine. If she came over and didn't want to share the bed with him, he would sleep on the couch. And, he would be happy to do it, if it meant she would get a good night's sleep.

Shepard lowered her eyes and sighed. "It's really hard to say no to you, Kaidan."

She was afraid she wouldn't be able to do this. How was she supposed to spend months on a ship with Kaidan and be professional at all times? He was going to be the head of her marine detail; she couldn't just avoid her Staff Lieutenant. They were probably going to work out together, eat together, train together, and sleep only a few meters from each other, too.

"Then don't."

But, she would have to. She owed it to Anderson to give the best of herself to this mission and she would not break the rules on his ship. "I can't. One more tour."

"No distractions," he finished, for her, the sentence she had been repeating like a mantra. "I know, and I won't push it."

"Thank you. See you at the briefing."

January 27th, 2183

Docking Bay 2B on Arcturus was bustling with activity. The SSV Normandy was about to depart from the space station, and the Systems Alliance command, reporters, and representatives from the Citadel Council and the Turian Hierarchy had come to witness this historic moment of cooperation between species. Turian and human relations had really come a long way since the First Contact War.

At Captain Anderson's signal, the helmsman — the smug, young, and talented Jeff 'Joker' Moreau — took the ship smoothly into the air and flew them off the station. As they headed to the mass relay, Joker announced an impressive ETA of three hours to Eden Prime on the Exodus Cluster. The Normandy really was the best ship in the fleet; four times faster than a passenger shuttle and almost two times faster than an Alliance cruiser.

As they got closer to the planet, the Normandy picked up a weird transmission from an Alliance squad stationed in the colony. Minutes after Joker had forwarded it to Anderson, Kaidan felt rather than saw Shepard coming up behind him in the cockpit. The innovative Tantalus drive core of the ship was powered by element zero, which heightened the buzz of their biotics.

"Kaidan, I want you and Jenkins to suit up and meet me in the comm room in ten for a mission briefing. We're going groundside."

"Aye aye, ma'am."

As she walked away, the sentinel found himself looking forward to the briefing. He and Shepard had barely spent any time together since he had arrived on Arcturus. They had to keep things between them strictly professional while serving together, so she had been keeping her distance. It was the right thing to do, but it didn't mean he didn't miss her.

"So, you and the commander are close, huh?" Joker asked, sparing him a sideways glance.

"We've known each other for a long time."

"I bet you have, 'Kaidan'."

He would have to talk to Shepard about this later and remind her not to use his first name whenever they were on duty. "It was just a minor slip. I'm sure it won't happen again," Kaidan said, going for casual instead of defensive, so the helmsman wouldn't have his suspicions confirmed.

Alenko stayed behind in the comm room with Shepard after Jenkins left after their mission briefing.

"Is there anything else you want, Kaidan?" the commander asked.

"You shouldn't call me by my first name, ma'am. It's inappropriate."

She looked at him as if he were talking crazy. "There's no one here."

"You didn't do it just now."

Crossing her arms in front of her chest, she raised one intrigued eyebrow at him. "Do you want me to call you Alenko? Is that it?"

He nodded. "Lieutenant Alenko." The look on her face turned almost indignant, so he quickly added, "Or, just Alenko. Ma'am."

"I'm not doing that. Alenko is your father. You're Kaidan."

In hindsight, he probably should have dropped this. If the crew started teasing him for his familiarity with Shepard, he would deal with it. But, instead, he insisted. "This is not how it works, commander."

"I say how it works, Kaidan. This is my mission. Go get ready. We'll meet in the hangar deck in five."

"Commander –"

"Dismissed."

After he was gone, Shepard thought that he had meant well and that she might have been too harsh on him. Maybe Major Nascimento had rubbed off on her more than she had been willing to admit. Of one thing she was sure — serving with Kaidan was a lot harder than she had imagined it would be. And they had only been on the same ship for a few hours.

She didn't want to treat him differently than any other soldier under her command but, at the same time, she couldn't look at him as just a subordinate.

Dragging her hands through her hair, she sighed tiredly. This tour was going to be a lot more complicated than she had anticipated.

Eden Prime smelled like smoke and death. Ten minutes planetside and they had already lost a man.

In over two years as head of the marine detail on the Agincourt, Kaidan had never lost a soldier. The fact that Jenkins had been killed in action when they had barely started this mission showed how critical the situation they were stepping into was.

Shepard ordered Kaidan to save the coordinates of the body on his tool and took Jenkins' dog tags in case things went completely FUBAR and they couldn't return to retrieve him.

"We'll see that he receives a proper service, but right now I need you to stay focused," she said, looking Kaidan straight in the eyes.

He was a bit surprised at how flat she sounded and how unaffected she looked. He wished he were this good at compartmentalizing, but he knew that talent didn't come cheap. There was no one he knew who was more familiar with loss than Shepard. Fate had not been kind to her.

This, and the argument they had had earlier today in the comm room, showed him how much the years they had spent apart had changed her. She had matured, grown stronger and more assertive, but also become more removed and authoritative.

"Aye aye, ma'am," he said, steeling himself and getting ready to move on. It was just the two of them now, and he needed to be on top of his game. He was not going to fail her.

As the enemies came at them, he did not hold back, unleashing his biotics on them with full force. Shepard, too, was meeting the husks and the geth head on. Forget taking cover and assessing the situation; she was on fire, running across the battlefield like a goddess made of light and rage. Either she was too confident, or Jenkins' death and all those dead civilians they had come across had affected her after all.

Ashley Williams had just met Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko and Commander Jane Shepard, but she could already tell there was something deeper than a professional relationship going on between them. That much was clear from the terrified scream that tore from Shepard's throat as Kaidan had gotten trapped by the beacon; from the way she had pushed him out of harm's way and taken his place without a moment's hesitation; from how guilty and tortured he had looked at not being able to save her like she had saved him; and from the careful and loving way he had lifted her unconscious body into his arms, pressing her against his chest and whispering apologies and pleas for her to be okay as they had waited for extraction.

The captain of their ship didn't sound pleased to hear his XO needed medical attention and that the prothean beacon had been destroyed. When the frigate arrived, he was waiting on the boarding ramp with a doctor and a couple of marines carrying a stretcher. Kaidan gingerly settled Shepard down on the stretcher and followed her with his eyes as she was carried away.

"Alenko, I expect a full report on the mission ASAP. Leave nothing out. Every detail matters in a situation like this," Anderson said.

"Aye aye, sir," Kaidan replied. "I think I'm in no position to make any requests, sir, but I'd still like to ask you to consider adding Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams to the Normandy's crew."

"We'll talk about that later, Alenko." Anderson turned to Ashley, "Williams, for now you can ride with us."

"Thank you, sir." She hoped Anderson would take Alenko's suggestion into consideration; getting a posting on this ship would be the best thing to ever happen to her. She needed this chance to prove herself.

"Sir, one more thing — these are the coordinates for Nihlus and Jenkins' bodies." Kaidan sent the data to Anderson's tool.

"I'll send a team to retrieve them and I'll give the news to Jenkins' family before we leave Eden Prime's orbit; they'll probably want to bury him here. Well done, Lieutenant."

"Thank you, sir."

Ashley had never seen anyone look more dejected and less proud to receive a compliment than Alenko did right now. The man was devastated.

"I'm going to check on our XO. Dismissed," the captain said.

January 28th, 2183

Doctor Karin Chakwas was starting to worry about Lieutenant Alenko. Individuals with biotic abilities needed to eat properly and needed to be well rested, especially L2s. But, Alenko practically hadn't left the medbay, and Commander Shepard's side, for the past fifteen hours. He had written his mission report there, he had eaten one meal, and he had slept in the doctor's chair for an hour or so. Keeping this up wouldn't be good for him.

Captain Anderson was coming by for an update, and Chakwas decided to meet him out in the mess.

"Doctor, how is she?"

"Still unconscious. Physically, she's fine. But, I detected some unusual brain activity, abnormal beta waves."

"That's unfortunate. Shepard's crucial for this mission. Soldiers like her are rare. Women like her… even more rare. She's a hero and… she's dear to me."

"It seems Lieutenant Alenko feels the same way about her, captain," Chakwas said, looking at Kaidan through the window and noticing he had taken advantage of being alone in the room with Shepard to take her hand in his.

"They are close. His parents fostered her after she lost her family in the attack on Mindoir."

"He is her foster brother, then."

"I'm afraid it's more complicated than that, doctor."

"Spare me the details, captain. The less I know the better. I don't like being called in by the brass to testify against marines in disciplinary hearings. What these kids do in their downtime between missions is none of my business."

"They're both career soldiers; they know better than to break regulations. You don't have to worry about them."

"Doctor? Doctor Chakwas! I think she's waking up," Kaidan called from the medbay door.

Chakwas and Anderson went inside to find Shepard already sitting up and giving Kaidan a dressing down.

"You were careless, Kai- lieutenant. The safety protocol for dealing with unknown alien technology exists for a reason. You should have followed it."

"I'm sorry, commander. It won't happen again," Alenko said, his tone civil, but strained.

"Dismissed."

Kaidan walked out looking tense and upset. Chakwas had a feeling this argument wasn't over.

"See, doctor? I told you you didn't have to worry about them. Being a marine comes first. They're professionals and they'll follow the rules," Anderson muttered to Chakwas as they approached Shepard's cot.

The doctor thought that, with these two, and the tension they had left in the room just now, not breaking the rules might only be making things worse.

Kaidan went straight to the showers, wishing he could wash off this last day, too. How could a mission that had appeared so simple at first, have turned so quickly into such a complete mess? Rescuing Ashley Williams and bringing her to the ship was the one good thing that had happened the whole day. Everything else had been a nightmare of epic proportions: a dead crewmember; geth invading; people being turned into husks; Nihlus being killed by another Spectre; and a train station rigged with explosives.

To top it all off, Shepard had saved him from the beacon at the expense of her own health and well-being. The last fifteen hours had been the worst of his life, just waiting, without knowing if she would ever wake up and if the beacon had caused any permanent damage. The readings of her brain activity on the monitors had been abnormal and worrisome the entire time.

It seemed she was going to be okay now, but he still didn't know what exactly had happened to her.

He came out of the shower just in time to hear Joker announce over the comm an ETA of five hours to the Citadel. Captain Anderson was probably going to report to the Council and warn them about Saren having gone rogue.

Kaidan had always wanted to visit the Citadel but, right at this moment, he couldn't find it in himself to get excited about it. With a towel wrapped around his waist, he looked at his reflection in the mirror above the row of sinks. There were dark circles under his eyes and his stubble was already showing. He needed to be prepared in case Anderson wanted him in the shore party, which meant he had less than five hours to shave, eat, get some rest, and then suit up again. It wasn't ideal, but he would make it work.

The door to the bathroom swished open and Shepard came in carrying a towel. She stopped in the middle of removing her shirt and then pulled it back down when she saw him in there. "Kaidan? Hey."

"Commander." Even though she had seen him naked countless times before and he still had a towel around his waist, right now he was feeling more naked than ever. If she weren't standing between him and the locker with his clothes and other personal items, he would be getting dressed as fast as possible.

"Thank you," she said, "for carrying me back to the ship and for staying by my side while I was out. Doctor Chakwas told me. I appreciate it."

He was disappointed in himself for having failed her; he was upset with her for having given him a dressing down in front of the captain and then dismissing him without giving him the chance to say anything; he was exhausted. But, when he spoke, his tone betrayed no emotion, good or bad. "It was the least I could do, commander."

"Williams was reassigned to the Normandy. I thought you might like to know. Anderson said you were the one who recommended her."

"That is good to know, commander."

"It was the right call. Williams's a good soldier and she deserves it. Thank you for stepping up when I was unable to."

"No problem, commander."

She checked all the toilet and shower stalls to make sure they were alone and then locked the door. Kaidan didn't know what to make of it. She was the XO; a door she locked using her clearance could only be opened by either herself or the captain.

Standing in front of him again, she looked down and licked her lips. "Kaidan, look, I'm sorry if I was too harsh with you earlier."

"I deserved it, ma'am."

Calling her ma'am when she had just used his first name made her wince. He could practically feel her distancing herself from him again. The discrepancy between the cold professionalism he was trying to maintain and her friendliness and informality was creating a pit between them.

No distractions — that was what she had told him. But, then she had insisted on calling him by his first name. And, then again, she had scolded him in the medbay as if he were just another marine to her. And, now, she was trying to ease the tension she herself had created between them and apologizing to him as if he were her equal and not a subordinate. He was tired and confused and had no idea of what she wanted from him anymore.

"It was not your fault," she said. "Dead marines. Dead Spectre. Dead civilians. And, in the end, we still didn't get that beacon. The mission failed. I failed. Anderson needed this to be a success. Humanity needed this, and I fucking failed."

She looked miserable. He might not know what exactly she wanted from him, but cold professionalism was only making things worse; he needed to try something different.

"Shepard –"

"Jenkins was just a kid. I knew he was excited to see some action; I should've kept an eye on him."

"You did everything right. It was just bad luck."

She shook her head, not buying it. "I'm sorry that you got dragged into this mess."

Kaidan took a step towards her. "Do not apologize, Shepard. There's nowhere I'd rather be."

Her gaze finally moved from the floor to meet his again, stricken with pain and uncertainty. "Something happened to me, Kaidan. The beacon… the beacon messed with my head."

The sentinel paled. Nonononononono. What have I done? He needed her to be fine, or he wouldn't be able to live with himself.

"I don't want you to feel guilty. I just need someone to talk to. While I was out, it was like I was trapped in this… nightmare. Synthetics killing organics, nothing but death and destruction…" She took a deep breath, eyes glistening with the threat of tears. "There was so much pain and despair, and I felt it. I felt it all inside me, tearing me apart."

"Shepard…"

"I can't afford to be having nightmares again. It was hard enough to beat them after Mindoir. They almost ruined me."

"Not this time. We'll figure this out. I'm here for you." He pulled her into his embrace and she buried her face in the hollow of his neck."You're not alone, Lisa." There was nothing he wouldn't do to help her get through this.

The tension on her shoulders was noticeable and her biotics were in turmoil, so he enveloped her with his own much more controlled energy field, hoping it would help calm her down.

"I'll link the feed from your suit to my tool; that way, I can keep a close watch on your stress levels and see if there's anything else out of the ordinary," he told her. "Do you think you can ask Dr. Chakwas to send me your medical files?"

"I'll ask her."

After a few minutes, she pulled away from him looking a lot more collected. He instantly missed the exciting buzz of her biotics and the inviting warmth of her body and wished he could just pull her back into his arms.

"I'm going to reassign the sleeper pods so we're side by side. If you notice a surge of dark energy or any agitation coming from my pod, you wake me up. Do you think you can do that?"

"Of course, Shepard," he replied with a small smile.

"Thank you, Kaidan. I'm glad you're here."

For an instant, they stared quietly at each other. She was the one who broke the moment, clearing her throat to recompose herself after letting her gaze wander down his bare chest and getting all flustered. "I'm going to head to the shower. You…," she sighed, and released the lock on the door, "better get dressed."