Chapter Thirty-Six – Dear Diary

For a moment, Peridot just stared at her. "Excuse me?"

"Would you let me read you diary? Please?" Lapis took another step forward and smiled hopefully, although truth be told, she had no intention of accepting 'no' as an answer at this point.

"Well…" Peridot fidgeted a little. "I'd rather you didn't. It's private."

"Oh." Lapis let her face fall. "But… I thought we were friends."

"We are friends!" Peridot insisted. "I just-"

"Are we?" Lapis interrupted. "If Steven asked to read it, would you let him?"

Peridot hesitated at that. Would she let Steven read her diary? He had, after all, let her read a page of his. "Well-"

"I mean," Lapis continued, "I've told you so much about me and my past and my life on Homeworld." She stepped fully into the barn and squashed the urge to start pacing. She'd expected the resistance, but that didn't make it any less annoying. "When I got here and you gave me that tape recorder, you said it helped with the loneliness and it didn't have to be that way for me. And I know it's not exactly the same, but you said you were going to write about how you joined the Crystal Gems, and I figured that included the bit before when you weren't a Crystal Gem and I just wanted to see how it helped you and if maybe it might help me too."

"I… let me think about it," Peridot said hesitantly.

Sensing that if she pushed any further, Peridot would only begin to get annoyed and dig her heels in, Lapis held her hands out in surrender. "I understand. I've-I've misinterpreted our relationship. Forget it. It was a stupid idea anyway." She turned around and made for the door, hoping the other gem would call her back because if this didn't do the trick, she was going to have to find a way to steal the damn thing.

Thankfully, she'd only taken a single step out onto the grass when Peridot called after her. "Wait!"

Lapis stopped and turned around, looking back expectantly at the other gem. "What is it?"

Peridot bit her lip. Everything she'd ever seen on Camp Pining Hearts told her that what she was about to do was a bad idea… but Camp Pining Hearts wasn't real. Her friends were real. Steven had shown her part of his diary and it had been fine. Surely she could do the same for Lapis?

She reached up to her gem and withdrew the notebook. "Here. You can read it."

Lapis's eyes lit up greedily. She'd been pretty confident that she could get Peridot to hand it over, but had assumed the other gem would insist she only read a little bit under supervision, and had planned to make a dash for it as soon as it was in her hands. If Peridot just… handed it over, she might not even have to leave the barn. Then again, she thought, she didn't really want the other gem hovering around the other side of the trapdoor, asking if she was done yet. "Thanks! You're the best!" she exclaimed and took the book from the other gem.

"Aheh." Peridot rubbed the back of her neck nervously. "I um, hope you find it useful."

"Oh, I'm sure I will." And before Peridot could make any further comment, Lapis turned and flew out of the barn.

The sky was darkening, but she remembered Steven telling her that the sun rose in the east, so she flew in that direction over land and water until the barn was far behind her and the sun was higher in the sky.

Then she found a quiet place to land and began to read.

xXxXx

Dear Diary

I am not entirely sure why I am supposed to title my entries as if dictating them to a sentient being. That is the way it is done in Camp Pining Hearts, but it is becoming increasingly apparent to me that many things in Camp Pining Hearts have been exaggerated for entertainment purposes. However, Steven's diary entries also begin in this manner, so I can only conclude that this is indeed the correct way in which to write a diary.

So, Diary, I believe I should begin by introducing myself. I am Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG. At least, that is how I was identified from the other Peridots back on Homeworld. Here, however, I am simply 'Peridot', one of a kind and a proud member of the Crystal Gems... although there was nothing 'simple' about my recruitment into the group.

My story begins back on Homeworld, many months ago, when my manager informed me that I had been especially chosen by Yellow Diamond for a top-security mission to an old, abandoned colony…

xXxXx

Peridot paused in the middle of reconstructing a frame for her multimedia player to glance out of the barn. The sky was beginning to lighten as the sun rose, and Lapis still hadn't come back with her diary. She told herself that Lapis was probably just a slow reader, that her handwriting was difficult to decipher and that after reading about her incredible experiences here on Earth, she'd had to stop and let it all sink in, but the feeling of foreboding that had crept over her while she was handing over the book refused to go away.

She shook her head and returned to her work. Camp Pining Hearts was filled with television lies, she reminded herself sternly. And anyway, all the drama about diaries there was stuff like two campers being in love with the same person, or seeing somebody doing kissing with somebody they weren't supposed to. The most scandalous thing in Peridot's diary was that she'd attempted fusion with Garnet.

Although… she paused again and drummed her fingers on the table. Her diary didn't just mention that she'd attempted fusion, it explained why she'd abandoned the attempt. She'd written extensively about her Era-2 status and her lack of powers and her concern that she might never develop the powers that the other gems took for granted. She hadn't told anyone here about that, she hadn't even told Steven. Perhaps Lapis had found that information so incredibly shocking that she'd-

There was a faint noise from outside and she looked up hopefully. To her immense relief, she saw Lapis land on the grass just beyond the doorway, and dropped her tools to greet her. "Lapis! You're back!"

"You!" Lapis snarled. "How dare you!?"

Peridot stumbled to a halt in confusion. "How dare I what?"

Lapis whipped the diary out from behind her back and shook it in front of Peridot's face. "How could you write such horrible things about me!?"

"W-what?" Peridot took a hasty step backwards before her diary took off the end of her nose and tried to remember what she'd written about her roommate. There'd been a few things, of course, but she couldn't think of anything that could've caused any offence and after that time when she'd inadvertently hurt Amethyst's feelings, she'd made a genuine effort to think before speaking – or writing, as the case was. "What are you talking about?"

Lapis narrowed her eyes and then flipped the book open to the relevant page. "Lapis Lazuli," she read, "continues to bring down the atmosphere of every room she enters with her maudlin moods. It was depressing enough on the ship, but at least there I could simply switch off the camera so I didn't have to look at her. The lack of company here in the barn continues to be a concern, but quite honestly, it is a relief when she leaves and I don't have to see her miserable face for a few hours."

"What!?" Peridot said again, bewildered. "I didn't write that!" She reached forward to look at the page herself, but Lapis unflurled her wings and flew out of reach.

"Right, yeah, sure," Lapis scoffed. "And I suppose you didn't write this either?" She flicked through the pages again. "The Crystal Gem's rejection of all things to do with Homeworld is especially apparent when it comes to their treatment of Amethyst. No effort at all has been made to instil her with the basic social norms expected of an ordinary Quartz soldier and as a result, her development has been woefully stunted. On Homeworld, she would have been shattered long ago, not because of her defective status, but because of her complete lack of respect for any authority and sometimes, when she is at her most obnoxious, I find myself wondering if perhaps Homeworld have the right idea. Their methods may be brutal, but there's no denying that they are effective."

Peridot's jaw dropped in horror. "I didn't!"

"And how about this one?" Lapis continued mercilessly, flying further out of reach. "I've tried many times to be understanding, but the perma-fusion continues to disgust me. When I first saw her, I believed her continued existence was a direct threat, designed to intimidate me, but the truth is almost worse. At least when Percy and Paulette insist upon doing that revolting tongue thing, they eventually stop!"

"I didn't write it!" Peridot wailed, making a hopeless leap into the air to try and drag Lapis back to ground level. "I didn't!"

"Are you sure?" Lapis waved the open book at her. "I mean, it's your handwriting."

"Of course I'm sure!" Peridot argued. "I know what I wrote, I didn't write anything like that!" She made another lunge for the book, missed, and fell on her face. "Ow."

"Oh!" Lapis gasped theatrically. "Wait, I seem to have made a mistake here. You didn't write this diary at all!" Then to Peridot's astonishment, she reached behind her and pulled another, identical notebook from behind her back. "This is the one you wrote!" She opened it and placed it on top of the first book. "An easy mistake to make though, they both just look so similar."

"Whu-what?" Peridot shook her head, hopelessly lost. "I don't understand."

"Of course you don't," Lapis said scornfully. "You're an idiot. I mean," she added, as Peridot's jaw dropped, "yes, you were programmed with all sorts of boring technical know-how, but that doesn't make you smart, it just makes you another kind of soldier in Homeworld's armies, following orders for the Great Diamond Authority. Tell me," she added, fixing the other gem with a steely glare. "Did you actually ever have an independent thought before you came to this planet, or did you just carry out all your orders without question, like a good little robot?"

Unsure whether or not she was actually supposed to answer this, Peridot decided to stay silent and concentrated on climbing back to her feet instead. Unfortunately for her, Lapis wasn't interested in a passive audience, and flew a little closer, hovering intimidating over the smaller gem. "Well?"

The horrible truth was that Lapis was right, but Peridot hated to admit it. "My initiative was praised on many occasions," she said instead.

"And how many times was that, two?" Lapis laughed at her own put-down. "Please, we both know the most initiative you ever showed was in ordering that I be dragged back to this miserable planet."

Peridot gulped. "I-I'm sorry-"

"I don't care if you're sorry!" Lapis snapped. She made a sudden movement and Peridot flinched, but all that happened was that the two diaries were suddenly encased in a blue bubble. She gave it a tap and they vanished. "Sorry doesn't magically undo what you did to me, sorry doesn't make it better! Sorry doesn't stop me from being trapped here again on the same planet that was my fucking prison for five thousand years!"

Behind her, the water in the lake began to splash ominously and Peridot took another step backwards as fear began to well up inside her. "B-but you said…" she began, and then trailed off. The feeling of foreboding that had been with her all night intensified as Lapis laughed derisively.

"Yes, I remember. I said I was past it and we were friends now. Except it turns out you don't just get past five millennia of imprisonment in less than five weeks, so no, we're not friends." She smiled bitterly down at the other gem. "Then again, I also said just now that you're an idiot. That one's true at least. I mean, there were a couple of times when I really thought I'd gone too far. Like when I had my water clones attack you?" She laughed again. "I thought to myself, slow down, Lapis, there's no way she's stupid enough to think you're doing this for her benefit, and yet here you are, surpassing my expectations at every turn. I'm almost impressed."

By this point, Peridot was trembling. She still didn't quite understand exactly what was going on, but one thing was obvious – Lapis had never actually really forgiven her and she wasn't her friend. There was only one thing she could think of that might help. "I-I'll go," she offered desperately. "Like you wanted me to in the beginning-"

Without warning, chains shot out of the water and wrapped around her and Peridot screamed in terror, certain that she was about to be dragged into the bottom of the lake. "Oh do stop it, you're not going anywhere," Lapis said over her cries, rolling her eyes. She waited patiently until Peridot finally stopped struggling and collapsed in defeat. "Are you done?" she asked sarcastically.

"Please, let me go," Peridot begged. Tears began to well up in her eyes. "What do you want? I'll do whatever you want!"

"What do I want? Haven't you been paying attention?" Lapis snapped. "We were just talking about things I'd said. Do you remember what I said to you less than two days ago? Shall I remind you?" She landed on the grass again and stepped forward until she was standing directly in front of the other gem. Then she made a gesture with her fingers and a chain jerked around Peridot's neck, forcing her to look up at Lapis. "I remember how it felt to be alone and powerless and trapped in a hostile place," she hissed down at her. "And what I want is to repay you for every single moment you made me feel that way."

xXx

Oh Peridot! Camp Pining Hearts warned you!

So, there's a lot of themes about copying and reflection in Lapis - stuck in a mirror, only able to copy and play back what people say to her, water clones mirroring the CG's moves, replaying her history for Steven in the water - so it made sense to me that she'd be able to easily copy Peridot's handwriting. She's already been secretly altering the barn plan measurements to mess with her head, after all.

Have any of you ever read The Demon Headmaster? It was one of my favourite books when I was a kid. Anyway, there's one bit, just after they've discovered what happens in assembly, where Lloyd suggests that it's a quick way to create a school full of geniuses, and Dinah points out that they're only being made to parrot facts, not to actually think, and this sounds very similar to how Homeworld behaves - gems are made for one purpose and are 'born' knowing what they need to know, and deviation from this path is not encouraged. The Headmaster even 'programs' students to respond to questions about him by saying "the Headmaster is a marvellous man and this is the best school I've ever been to", which really reminds me a lot of certain gems and their devotion towards their Diamonds. Thankfully, like Peridot, the children were ultimately able to break their programming and think for themselves.

I debated for a while whether I really should have Lapis swear, before I eventually decided that if Molly Weasly can get angry enough to call Bellatrix a bitch in the heat of battle, then Lapis can get angry enough to swear about being stuck on Earth all over again. And she is very angry about it indeed.

Anyway, I'm afraid from this point on, much like 2016 in general, things are going to be increasingly shitty for Peridot. Please let me know if you think I need more warnings, I'm trying not to make things too awful because this is for Blue, but then, Blue is somebody who deeply enjoyed Watership Down, with its fields of blood and rabbits being trapped and gassed to death, so she's not the best benchmark for me to make judgements!