Chapter 37
Kirk spoke briefly with several in the audience, starting with Perón. "I appreciate your being here, Jorge. But this is going to go on for quite a while yet. And the finale is not going to be at all pretty. You don't have to stay."
"But I'm going to. And it's not just for political reasons."
"Thanks, Jorge. Pray for Spock."
"I'm praying for both of you."
Sullivan heard the last line. "I may become a pray-er too before this is over."
"Sullie, the same goes for you. I appreciate your being here, but you don't have to stay. Nothing about this is going to be a performance."
"I'm staying, so don't waste your breath."
"Okay, but I warned you."
Eric and Carl were the only other ones he had time for. They revealed that McCoy had asked them to help with this.
"Ah, so you'll be holding me down."
"If necessary, Captain," Eric answered.
"For this, it's Jim, and I can't guarantee you won't have anything to do. Follow McCoy's orders, and don't worry about hurting me, all right?"
"Yes, sir," Carl replied.
"Looks like break time is over. I'll see you later."
Spock began the next session with an explanation of their tactics for dealing with the avoidance stage. T'Mai asked the first question.
"You realized what you were doing and simply stopped doing it," she marveled. "How do you account for your ability to do this when others could not?"
"We had the advantage of having read the reports and so recognized the symptoms for what they were. But a major element of the difference is Jim Kirk's personality. I have been told that my father and I are unusually stubborn in comparison with other Vulcans. Jim is more stubborn than I. For example, last night we played a game of chess. He insisted we do this, not for our enjoyment, or to pass the time, but because he fights the battle on all fronts at all times. We sat at a table on the Rec Deck for over an hour, going through the motions of the game, conversing audibly throughout, even though no one saw or heard us, since the area is not usually frequented at 0130 ship's time."
"That is why you invited the audience, then?"
"It is one of the reasons. To discuss this at all is difficult. In front of an audience of well-meaning but somewhat ignorant friends and colleagues, much more so. I do not wish to admit my weakness even to myself, much less to those who do not understand me. However the heart of this issue concerns relationship. If we survive the severing, it will be in part due to the relationships represented by the people in this room."
"Can you explain that?"
"Jim and I do not live in a vacuum. We refuse to isolate ourselves. While we demand things of ourselves and each other that we would not ask of the others, we are aware of and supported by the team in most of the things we do. Some of it is practical assistance. Much of it is what the humans call moral support. The Vulcans who died had isolated themselves, either thinking that they needed no help, or afraid to ask for it. We are accustomed to asking for and receiving help, and we are not afraid to admit our need for it."
Spock's quietly voiced explanations were an affront to Srael's sense of propriety. "How do you plan to avoid the violent hysteria?" he scoffed.
"I don't know that we will. The violence is one of the things we may need help controlling."
"What other things do you anticipate needing help with?" T'Mai asked gently.
"There are three stages to this event. The violence is only the first. The second is the severing itself. Only God can help us with that. The third stage is the recovery. Picking up the pieces and going on with life may be the most difficult part of the entire situation. There are people in this room that have strong enough relationships with us, that they will not permit us to wallow in depression until we kill ourselves."
Stelok inserted a question. "Explain what you mean by God helping with the severing."
"God is the name I am using for the Supreme Being Who created the universe. I have witnessed His miraculous intervention in my life and of those around me on numerous occasions. We need a miracle here, and I do not believe we will survive without it. I have never attempted anything more difficult, and I am not primarily referring to the task itself, though that is by no means easy. You cannot imagine what it is like to contemplate severing this link. My soul is not capable of severing this link. Yet it must be done, and no one else can do it for me, except God."
The questioning went on for another two hours, with Spock answering most of it. Srael asked no more questions, preferring instead to just listen. Kirk offered T'Mai another meld when she was having difficulty understanding how God could do things in them. She rose and approached Kirk rather than Spock.
"You intrigue me, Captain. I would meld with you, if you will."
"Of course. I invited you."
*Her wording signifies that she expects you to initiate the meld.*
Kirk raised his arm and once more let Spock have his hand. Contact was made.
*Welcome, T'Mai.*
*So you really can do this. Srael has said nothing.*
*Spock is doing it, using my fingers.*
*You can let him do that? With no apparent effort?*
*We've done it before. You're here to see God at work in my life. You want to go exploring, or do you want a guided tour?*
*A guided tour could be selective.*
*You're on your own then. Look at anything and everything. I'm here if you have any questions.*
She danced from memory to memory. But unlike Srael, she allowed herself to feel what he had felt during each event. By the time she was done, she was full of emotional pain, but she also understood the joy in a way Srael never would.
*I thank you for allowing me to see, to feel, to share.*
*You are welcome, but surely you don't mean to take all that pain with you.*
*Do not distress yourself. I am used to this.*
*T'Mai, you didn't find that pain here. You made it up. You have a good imagination - it matches the reality pretty closely. But there's no reason for you to carry that pain. I don't need it and neither do you.*
*A healer's task is to carry the pain of others. It will dissipate.*
*I could get rid of it for you right now, if you are willing to let it go.*
*How, by giving it to Spock? That's hardly fair.*
*No. Jesus will take it.*
*Jesus is your name for God.*
*Yes. He will take it if I ask Him to, but only if you are willing.*
*Whether or not I believe in his existence?*
*Yes.*
*All right. Go ahead.*
*Jesus, please take all the soul pain T'Mai is carrying. All of it. Thank you, Lord.*
She gasped. *Oh! How- how did you know? It is all gone! I carry residual pain all the time. I have not been this free in years!*
*I didn't know; Jesus did. This is the God that will get us through the severing. However, lest you start to wonder if this really happened, I want you to link with both of us and see for yourself that none of us has that pain you were carrying.*
So she did. With one hand on each face, she probed thoroughly and found none of her residual pain. But she had another question.
*Why do I not feel your trauma over the severing? It is not possible that you do not have any.*
Spock answered for them. *We are aware of it with every thought. If we allowed it to build, we would be fighting hysteria even now. But we give it to Jesus constantly, so I do not expect hysteria to be a problem until we are much closer to the event.*
It was almost 1300 when they broke for lunch. They would reconvene in two hours with the Fleet doc's. Kirk assured all and sundry that they didn't need to return. He and Spock were doing fine. No one opted out, though most had administrative duties during the break. Spock went to Engineering, intending to work on repairs.
*I cannot eat, and I may as well be doing something productive.*
*You go ahead, Spock. Goodness knows what I'll find to do. If I go to the Bridge, I'll just be pestering. Ditto Sickbay. But if I sit in my quarters for two hours, I'll be punching holes in the bulkhead.*
*May I recommend the punching bag in the gym?*
*I just might. Young's probably entertaining the Vulcans, but I've seen enough of them for awhile, so I'm not going to the mess hall.*
Kirk went for a long swim. After tiring himself, he lay on his back and floated, idly looking at the ceiling lights. He dozed. Suddenly a large beach ball landed on his belly, hard. His reaction was pure instinct. Grabbing the ball and kicking his feet, he launched himself half out of the water and hurled the ball back from whence it came. Tanzer caught the ball, and squatting at the edge of the pool, laughed at him. Kirk splashed water all over him, but Tanzer neither retreated nor stopped laughing.
"Just wanted to see if your reflexes still work. They do. Want to talk?"
"Yes. Give me five to shower up. Your office?"
"I'll be there."
Kirk sat down in Tanzer's office, again fully dressed. Tanzer had put on a dry uniform, because Kirk had really soaked him.
"Sorry about the drenching, Harb. I was feeling ornery."
"I asked for it. Did it on purpose. Jim, you don't give yourself enough outlet to relieve stress. The Pellinger's are few and far between."
Kirk grinned, then sobered. "I enjoyed that far too much, Harb. Dangerous to let that kind of thing out. Anyway, have you got any words of wisdom for this mess?"
"Why don't you just talk for a bit. We've got an hour. What are you thinking, feeling, whatever comes out."
"I feel a little like this is the eye of the storm. We weathered the first half, but the Fleet doc's'll be worse. Not even sure how, and I'm sure I'm biased, but I hate being condescended to. The Vulcans just think all humans are inferior. The Fleet doc's don't have that excuse. I don't want to get mad, but I might. And we can't resort to mind-melds, 'cause they can't do that."
"Spock can."
"I don't want to ask him to do that. Vulcans is one thing. The Fleet doc's'd probably freak out. It's not worth it. We'll stick to audible communication. But if I'm getting hot under the collar, just clear your throat at me or something."
"Maybe they need to see you get mad."
"They'll see enough emotion before this is over, but not that way. Tell me not to waste my energy."
"Can you talk about the severing?"
"It's hard to put coherent thought to that. It looms like a big, hairy monster to a three-year-old child. Physically it's going to be pretty bad. I don't know if it'll knock me out, or even if retreating into unconsciousness will affect it at all. But given where we've been, the physical pain is no big deal, even if it's absolutely awful.
"It's the soul pain that's a challenge to even think about. I don't know if you can imagine being in constant contact with someone, so close you don't have to say anything. You know what he thinks, how he feels, you even feel what he feels. You can voice your thoughts mentally, for clarity, but you don't have to. He knows what you think almost before you do. Breaking that connection feels like twisting and ripping out your guts. Dying would be easier."
"Spock thinks what comes after that will be even worse?"
"Think of it as being in a deep well, wishing you could die, having no reason to come out of it, trying to convince yourself that life is worth patching the pieces together so you can pretend to be functioning."
"Jesus is the reason life is worth living."
"I know that. I'm just trying to tell you what it feels like. The only way I'm going to survive this is if Jesus in me is stronger than the soul pain. And everything I just said goes double for Spock. At least."
"Well, I don't know that I have any wisdom for you, Jim. But thanks for sharing anyway. Helps me know how to pray."
"It helps to have voiced it. Makes talking to the Fleet doc's marginally easier. So thanks, Harb. I better force myself to eat something. It's going to be a long night."