34 The Shadow Cracks
On the half-hour-long train ride to Yusnaan, Lightning thought. She did nothing else, not even speak, not even to the man standing next to her as though tethered to her, though neither did he do anything else besides stand and gaze out the window at the passing scenery, either. Keeping her mind on various topics, rather than letting it slip away again, was more difficult than she had expected, but she kept her balance. When the threads of her mind slid toward the dark again, she struggled to drag them back, and succeeded.
They arrived at the station to an early afternoon sun and a town that slept through the hottest hours. With hardly anyone on the streets, she had no trouble walking into the market area, where most of the shops had been closed up for the midday hours and there was no one in sight.
She kept mulling over what Caius had told her – his calm, straightforward acceptance of what Bhunivelze had told her she needed to become, and how willingly he had shifted the burden to himself and Yeul instead. She had been too unsettled to comment at the time, but now, she wondered. Perhaps, over the five centuries that had elapsed, he had simply had the time to think about all of this already. Perhaps he had been prepared to take on the responsibility, or had known only he and Yeul could do it, for decades.
And it had come as a bit of a shock. She had not yet had time to fully absorb Lumina's assurance that she was destined to replace Etro, and Caius calmly taking that burden from her made her wonder.
Was that simply part of his responsibility to her, or was something else at play?
Yet again, she wished she could peel back the layers that hid his heart from her... but she would be a hypocrite to try again, she knew now. If her own heart was so buried, and had been for so long, that Bhunivelze had easily snipped it away – and if she had indeed done it to herself, as Lumina liked to imply – then attempting to dig into a heart just as heavily shielded would be ridiculous. If she did not want to reveal herself, then she had no right to make him do it.
"You seem thoughtful, Lightning."
She blinked and looked at him, squinting slightly from the brightness of the haze around them. "I was thinking about what you said, about replacing Etro," she admitted.
His hair shimmered and armor glinted in the sun when he shifted his weight, changing his stance, and she noted his shoulders became more rigid in the process. "There is nothing to think about," he said. "Do you remember when I told you I would become the chaos's overseer? Even then, I knew what would become of us. There is no need for you to be anywhere but with your family."
"But..." Her brow furrowed. "If he's shaping me to be so powerful, and he carved away my emotions, too, then what else can I be but the replacement for Etro? What else am I good for?"
Caius snorted. "Listen to yourself. Do you despise yourself so much that you cannot see a future?"
Surprised at his accusation, she opened her mouth to retort, only to find she could say nothing at all. Somewhere deep inside, his words had struck a sensitive nerve. Long ago, after her final battle with him, a Yeul of the chaos had accused her of causing the world's doom and her sister's death, and as she had drifted aimlessly through the Historia Crux, trapped with her own thoughts, she had come to agree.
And those thoughts had followed her into this world, anchored to her mind.
If she'd still had her heart, she doubted she would be able to stand the weight of her failures.
"Not the case," she told him, but aware it came out defensive. He would know the truth. "I can see a future, but others always come first, especially my sister. If that means becoming th–"
"I am a living example of why that is not always a good thing."
Lightning was left with her mouth halfway open, staring at him, as he finished. He looked hard at her for a few moments before turning his back and staring off into the distance. She closed her mouth, gazing at his back and the inscription on his armor. She didn't know anyone more enigmatic than Caius Ballad, and she doubted, even in the new world, that she ever would.
"Let's go to the palace," she murmured. "I want to make sure Snow's okay."
He looked over his shoulder at her. "Lead."
Not letting her puzzlement reach her features, she moved past him and followed the stairs. The only people she saw now were ones seated at the cafe on the ground level and one person seated on the balcony in the Banquet of the Lord high overhead. As they wandered down the mostly deserted street, she did occasionally see people, but they either kept to the shadows or could be seen sleeping. Most shops down here were closed up as well.
She enjoyed the quiet, finding it relaxing.
They passed the statue of Cactuar and were entering Fountain Plaza when she became aware of a woman's agitated voice by the fountain. She slowed and tipped her head, finally locating the woman – a tall, slender, brown-haired woman dressed in a flattering sundress, arguing actively with what appeared to be a stage hand. Lightning came closer, trying to make out what she was saying, but moved slowly.
"–where he is," the woman was saying. "How long have we been looking for him? How long?"
The stage hand, however, did not look the least bit concerned about the woman's demands. "Yusnaan is not a very big city," he told her. "If he was here, we would know, wouldn't we? At worst, he went to some other city, but from what I understand, there's no way he'd leave you."
"We have to find him, you idiot! I can't sing without him! My muse has escaped me! He wrote all my best songs, and I just can't bear to be without my beautiful music or his poetic words?"
"Ma'am, I'm a little busy right now. I'll get... back to you." The stage hand turned and walked off while the woman continued chirping at his back, before she seemed to give up, stamping a foot and grinding her heel into the ground, then whirling to face the fountain and folding her arms.
Sensing the kind of person this was, Lightning approached cautiously. "Ma'am? Did you lose someone?"
She turned her head. "Only the other half of my very existence. Without him, I just can't sing! My heart misses him so, and he also happened to run off with all my best music! He is such a–"
"Slow down," she cut in, "and tell me what's going on."
The woman looked miffed at being interrupted, but thankfully didn't waste her breath on it. "My name is Olga," she said, "and I lost my lover, Berdie. He ran off some time ago, just up and left. He used to write my music for me, all my best songs, and without him, I can't perform! I can't even sing!" As if to demonstrate, she opened her mouth and unleashed a somewhat garbled, warbling note; Lightning flinched.
"I, uh, see," she muttered. "So, did he take your voice, too?"
"Of course not," Olga growled at her. "But he was my muse, my whole reason for existing!"
Uneasy beneath the woman's raging scowl and strange word choices, she took a small step back, though careful to make it look as though it were perfectly natural. "Maybe he had a good reason," she said. "You know, it might even be that someone else caught his eye."
"Oh, impossible," Olga said, waving a hand. "He only has eyes for me, and that has always been the case. Though, I guess it might be possible someone caught it for a mere second." She snorted. "As if he could ever be in love with anyone but me. Everyone knows we do our best work together, and apart, we're utter failures. I have known him for so long that I just can't imagine my career without him!"
Lightning had to bite her tongue to keep from accusing the woman of running him off. It took a moment for her to gather any proper thoughts. "Okay, so when last did you see him?"
"Here," she said. "He said something about getting something from the warehouse, and then never came back!"
"Did you check the warehouse? Maybe he–"
"What do you think I am, some kind of idiot?" Olga shouted. "Of course we checked the warehouse! We checked all the surrounding areas! We even inquired at the palace to see if anyone matching his description had happened to turn up! There hasn't been any word of him!"
Finding the woman's screechy demands tiresome, Lightning folded her arms. "There may be other factors at play here, but I will keep an eye out for him."
Olga rubbed the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. She was a lovely woman with sea-blue eyes and tanned skin, but her attitude disrupted her beauty too much to be appreciated. Perhaps it had come about merely because of her worry about Berdie, but Lightning was not convinced.
"Fine, then, I will even give you my blessing." Olga lifted her head and smiled thinly.
"Uh..." Lightning frowned. "...why is that?"
"Because there isn't a hope on this earth that he could ever fall for you and forget about me." Her eyes narrowed slightly; Caius made a soft sound at Lightning's elbow, and she glanced at him to find his eyes hard. Though she reached out and gently laid a hand on his arm, it did little except make his spine less stiff.
"Don't blame if he does, though," she said. "I'm not out for romance."
"Well, if he does, I'll pull out your hair and claw out your eyes, do I make myself clear?" Olga's smile was tight and so fake it may as well have been painted on her face.
"You can try." Caius's deep voice had dropped a notch further – a commanding sound that instantly drew Olga's eyes to him. Lightning found great amusement in watching the other woman pale and the smile drop off her face, though she otherwise did a fine job of hiding whatever fear he instilled.
"Ah, well, anyway, just bring him back if you see him." Olga nodded, glanced at Caius again, and turned her back to look over the fountain once more.
Lightning lifted an eyebrow. "Olga, you haven't described him to me."
The woman whirled around as though scalded, an utterly irritated expression on her face. She dug into the pocket of her sundress and withdrew a photo that she handed to Lightning with the tips of her fingers. She took it and held it at an angle, revealing a pale-skinned man with brown hair and brown eyes, smiling genuinely at the camera, standing against a backdrop of the same fountain she stood at now. Olga stood beside him in a floor-length white dress, her arm looped around his waist and head on his shoulder, almost looking truly happy.
"That picture is precious to me, so don't lose it," Olga said. "The moment you find him, bring him and that picture back to me, right here at this fountain, do you understand? And if you happen to lose it–"
Caius shifted his weight; Olga looked at him.
"–then I will be very, very unhappy," she muttered, and turned her back again.
Lightning moved away from the fountain, holding the photo and examining it. The looks on the faces of the subjects reminded her of Serah and Snow, especially the day Serah had come home utterly jubilant and told her she had found a boyfriend – right before Lightning had torn into her, reminding her of the importance of university and how finding a boyfriend and falling in love were completely secondary to that.
Feeling a pang of guilt, she quickly tucked the photo into her bag and snapped it closed. For a moment, she stood in the plaza, listening to the fountain and the sound of birds in the distance, trying to pull her mind away from her sister and Snow. That had been in poor taste, she knew now, but she could not change the past.
Shaking her head, she began walking again toward the palace.
"She does not seem to truly love him," was Caius's comment.
Lightning looked at him, grateful he had voiced her thoughts, though more bluntly than she would have liked. "Hard to tell without all the pieces," she said. "I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. I mean–" Pulling out the photo again, she showed it to him and gave him a few moments to look. "Look at them. They look happy here, like it was better times. Besides," she added, tucking the photo away once more, "how do I know? I don't know love."
He slowed to a stop in the shade. "Love in and of itself, or have you never been in love?"
"The latter," she said. "I can't say whether they're actually in love or not, because the only example I actually know is that of Snow and Serah, and I didn't even know their love that well. Never having experienced it myself means I just can't make that judgment." She looked at the ground. "I think... that's what Noel and Yeul have been trying to tell me. I can't judge without knowing what it's like."
"You have never been in love," he murmured. "Somehow, that does not surprise me."
Her lips twitched. "Since we're on the topic," she said, walking forward again, "what about yourself? How many times have you fallen in love over the centuries?"
For a moment, he gazed at her, then said, "Not once."
A little surprised, she stopped in her tracks and stared at him. "I find that impossible to believe. You are, what, well over a thousand years old? Probably closer to two thousand, really. You were in one of the highest offices of your people, and you mean to tell me you have never once been in love before?"
"That is the truth. It seems you misunderstand." He rested a hand on his hip. "My whole life has been spent training to be a hunter, hunting, training to become a Guardian, or being a Guardian. Battle is as much a part of me as my blood. Only in the past five centuries have I rested from it."
Understanding came to her. "Your devotion to Yeul kept you from such things."
"And in time, I had no desire for personal pursuits at all." He glanced behind him at the gate leading to the Augur's Quarter, then back at her. "That has been a reality all my life, and it was a reality for all previous Guardians. To be a Guardian is to shun most personal desires and even, to an extent, our individuality. The only object of importance is the life of the seeress, even to the detriment of ourselves."
"I get it," she said. "It's the same reason I never really..." Unsure, she looked at the ground again and laced her fingers together. "I... never... really paid much attention to myself. Serah always came first. Once our mother died, it was me becoming an emancipated minor and guardian to her, or being taken care of by the state. That was when I made the decision to join the Guardian Corps, and became an adult. Nothing else mattered."
"Even to the detriment of yourself."
Her voice was small, against her will, when she said, "I guess so."
Caius did not stand very far away, a forearm's length at most, and in that instant, she became more aware of his closeness than ever before, feeling a sense of unease at having spoken so openly. Though she had told Hope she had needed to become strong for Serah's sake, hence her self-chosen moniker, it had been mostly for his sake, as an attempt to bolster him out of his anger and depression. This was something she had not told anyone. Serah might suspect the truth, but she did not actually know what was in her sister's heart.
To so willingly admit tiny flaws and weaknesses to the man she had warred with, no matter how friendly he was to her now, made her uneasy, her stomach tighten into a knot.
She did not speak, hands clenching at her sides, as she moved past him at a faster pace than before, as though she could leave her words forgotten, dissipating into thin air, trying to ignore that they had already been spoke and he would probably never forget them, no matter her desires. Even though he seemed to understand, that he was quiet and calm and laid no judgment upon her, she did not like the ease at which she could let slip the word festering in her heart to him. Caius had no right to know her heart.
Perhaps Lumina was right, but not in the way she had expected. Perhaps it was not a blade digging into her back or a conspiracy to ruin her she needed to worry about. Maybe it was exposing her heart, even if all that remained was a sliver that contained enough to give her individuality and tiny pieces of emotion.
She ran the card and pushed open the gate harder than necessary, but though she sensed Caius's disquiet, he did not comment, and they continued into the Augur's Quarter.
The statue had been mostly removed, with only a few large chunks and various pieces still present. The ground had cracked during the impact, but places where large pieces of stone had to be removed had been roped off to prevent anyone from stumbling in by accident. Though guards were posted, none of them gave her more than a glance, and the gorgon from before only gave a quick sniff before going back to guard duty.
Lightning waited for the guard at the gate to unlock it and then crossed the threshold into the palace grounds. The air smelled of fruits and flowers, thick and sweet, the sun beating down overhead. She felt sleepy and safe, as though she could simply curl up on the ground and rest for an eternity.
"Is it wise that I accompany you?"
Lightning paused just inside the entrance and half-turned to look at him for a long moment, pondering. Snow had seemed less aggressive by the time they had left. By now, he had probably calmed down, and would not object to Caius's presence – particularly if he'd had the chance to really mull over Serah's return. There was little else to be angry about anymore but the unchangeable past.
And yet, she knew how the past could hurt. Until now, she had carried a strong grudge against him, and only the stark realization of his reality and acceptance of his presence had dulled it to the point that she could ignore it. But Snow had not had that luxury, not yet.
"He needs to deal with you sooner or later," she told him. "Don't worry. This time, he won't turn into a Cie'th."
Caius looked unsure, but he nodded and followed.
Instead of the endless, empty halls of before, Lightning led the way past guards and staff, most of whom were much more interested in their duties than in her. The occasional guard gave her a look when she passed, but none of them tried to stop her, and some even got out of their way. Perhaps Snow had cleared the way for them.
The reached the grand central ballroom, and a quick glance around told her Snow was nowhere nearby. "Excuse me," she said to a nearby sentry, "where's the Patron?"
"Last I heard, ma'am, he was headed back to his quarters to sleep off the heat," the sentry told her.
"Right." She hesitated. "Which way, again?"
The sentry pointed at the stairs. "Follow those stairs, go around to the far side, and follow the corridor."
She did as the sentry directed, Caius at her side. No one commented on him, and he never said a word.
Snow's quarters were easily accessible now, the door propped open and the curtains drawn back. Sunlight and a warm breeze drifted through – a stark contrast to the darkness that had pervaded her last visit here. Instead of looking like a prison, it looked like a place Snow could actually rest in.
"Hey, sis," came a familiar voice, and she turned her head to be greeted by a faint smile.
"I'm not your sister," she said, but managed a slight smile in return. "Good to see you, Snow. We came to make sure you were okay, and it looks like you're faring well enough."
He gave a small nod, then his eyes drifted to her companion, and his smile vanished. "I see you've still got him with you," he murmured. To her relief, though, there was no hint of the previous hostility – only solemnity, sadness, that felt as deep and vast as a sea. "Well, you're still alive, and he doesn't look mean, so..." His lips quirked slightly into an echo of a smile. "So, anything new with you?"
"Uh..." Lightning flexed her fingers. Here was where things got tricky. "I need to tell you something."
"Uh-oh, I know that tone." Snow frowned. "What's up?"
Again, she flexed her fingers, then turned, moving toward the balcony to stand at the railing. As she gazed over the cityscape, she said, "I used to go the Ark at six in the morning, every day, to talk to Hope, and to rest. Bhunivelze used that as a way of keeping an eye on me, and he would also watch over me while I was down here. He had reduced Hope to a teenage state again, as well. Not sure why."
"Wait," he said, "Hope was de-aged?"
"Yeah." Lightning leaned on the railing. "Anyway, things happened. Bringing Caius along brought this... aura of chaos that followed me everywhere. Blocked Bhunivelze's view of me. And then other things happened, and things began to get... weird." She rubbed a hand through her hair. "I heard of an imposter that appeared here years ago, looking like me. Then we busted Vanille out of the cathedral and... and then..." She shut her eyes, deciding now was not the time to talk about what she'd found in the chaos, but forcing herself to go on. "Then... the last time I went to Hope, Bhunivelze took over his body and confronted me directly. He'd been using a facsimile of Serah to keep tugging me along, but when I stopped complying, he threw me out."
There was silence. Lightning glanced over her shoulder to find Snow staring at her, mouth slightly open.
"And by threw me out, it was the whole package," she muttered. "Took away my ability to accumulate days and dissolved the Ark around me so I fell into the Sea of Chaos. Caius had to rescue me."
"That's..." Snow trailed off.
"And then we encountered a beast in the Wildlands, tearing up the continent. I suspect Bhunivelze sent it to keep me busy or–" Pushing away from the railing, she squared her shoulders. "Or... to accelerate the end of days. I have no idea what else he has planned, but if he's going to be that brazen, the collateral could be bad." She looked at him. "Make sure you're ready for anything that happens around here."
"But... but why would he do this? I mean, I'm not... surprised, not really, but..." Snow shook his head.
"He wants to strip away our sense of self, our free will, and turn us into tools to toil away in his next world," she said, facing him. "Beyond that, I really couldn't tell you. When I left the Ark, I had accumulated ten total days, and now there's three and a half left. But even that might not be a guarantee. I've done what I can..." Rubbing her forehead, she sighed. "...but it still might not be enough."
Snow placed his head in one hand and stood in silence for a time. Caius, standing off to the side, near the wall, shifted his weight, but otherwise did nothing.
"A facsimile of Serah. That's just great." He rubbed the bridge of his nose with his fingertips. "And if he's trying to accelerate the end of the world, he must be desperate. It might not make that much difference if you already know his plan, unless he plans to take his existing 'faithful' before you can 'convert' them." He raised his head enough to peer around his hand at her. "Okay. This is... going to take some time to absorb, but hey, it's not like we've never beat the odds before, right? We're all heroes, right?"
She managed a tight smile. "Right. Definitely time to call upon the heroics."
Snow still looked serious. "But, Light, hang on – if he can't get mankind to follow him, then... then what if he just throws us away and lets us all get turned into oblivion at the end?"
"That's not going to happen," she told him sternly. "No matter what the odds, we'll beat them. Bhunivelze can't stop me, or you, or any of us. He can do what he wants, throw everything he's got at us, tear down the sky itself, and none of it is going to stop us. You can bet your life on that."
"I already am," he muttered, "and don't tempt Bhunivelze. He will take that as a dare, you know."
"Let him, then," she said, snorting. "We can handle it."
Caius gave her a severe look. "Don't act with such bravado," he said. "He will take you up on it."
Despite her brazenness, though, she already knew those were empty words. She believed in her own abilities, knew they could face whatever came upon them, but also understood the risks. Even if Vanille was going to end up more useful than herself should the chaos devour all of humanity, she was still the most powerful of them, and she couldn't guarantee that Yeul would let Caius stay with her through to the end. When it came down to it, she could very well end up facing Bhunivelze alone, so she had to live, as possibly the only human left who would be capable of facing him. There weren't any other options.
"I know," she said, injecting as much weight into those words as she could, and sighing. "Don't worry, I know my limits, and that of man." She swiped her fingers through her hair, then looked at him again. "So, Snow, are you going to stay here? All the others are in the desert, but they'd probably like to see you."
"I'm the patron," he said. "Sorry, my place is here, for now."
"I understand." She nodded. "I don't have anything else, unless you have something for me."
"Not really. Things haven't been all that exciting around here since you left." He rubbed the back of his hand on his forehead and moved away, turning his back to her. While he still wore the black suit of the patron's office, it was neatly pressed and shimmered in the sunlight, as was befitting his position. "If there's less than four days left, then we have to prepare for the end. Who knows how much longer the remaining continents will stay as solid ground, you know. So many acres of land have already disappeared below the waves over the centuries."
"You expect the same to happen here, then?"
"Sooner or later, just going off that pattern. Either it'll get smoked into oblivion at the end, or the remaining land will get eaten by the Sea of Chaos before, or on, the final day." He hung his head. "There's nowhere to evacuate everyone to. They'll just get... swallowed up, like it's nothing."
"Snow," she said, "even if that happens, I know of a way to save them. I just haven't told her yet."
"Her?" He looked at her curiously. "Her, who?"
"We'll talk about it later." The next time she went to the desert, she would need to discuss what the Speaker of the Chaos had told her about Vanille with the woman in question. Knowing Vanille, she would embrace her last role, but the pressure on her would probably feel immense. "There is... one other thing, though."
"Oh?" Snow turned to face her, hands on his hips. "That tone is totally different. Okay, what's up?"
"I haven't had a shower in days," she muttered sheepishly.
Snow's eyebrows went up. "I see."
"And I probably smell like it. There weren't amenities on the Ark, far as I know."
"Say no more," he said, waving a hand. "We have guest rooms with showers. They should be stocked, but if they're not, ask the staff and they can help you." Smirking, he folded his arms now. "Take a shower and a load off for a while. I can tell you've been runnin' yourself ragged." The smirk faded into concern. "It's okay, Light. We can take of ourselves. We did, all these years, without you, you know."
She chuckled. "Right. Except for the part about feeling guilty and locking yourself away, right?"
"Hey, now, I never stopped protecting the people."
The serious note in his voice, coupled with welcome warmth and familiarity, made her smile. "Well, thank you, then. I guess I can spare a few minutes to clean up." She tugged on the collar of her armor, thinking it probably smelled as bad as she did, considering she had never removed it completely. "I'll see you around, Snow."
"Sure," he said. "Out the door and down the hall. You'll find some guest rooms. If you get lost, there's maps at most intersections, or just check with the staff."
Thanking him, she left the room and her concerned thoughts behind, walking swiftly down the hall. At one point, she stopped a sentry and asked for directions, but eventually found a vacant guest room – sparsely furnished and a bit quaint, but with a small balcony and large windows to let in the sun and breeze. It was just big enough for a bed capable of sleeping one comfortably or two squeezed, a few chairs, a counter with a sink and a few cupboards, and a door to the side leading to a bathroom that included a standing-only shower. She got the impression it was meant for lower-ranked staff or low-priority guests, but only as compared to the Patron's quarters and the rest of the palace – it still bore the marks of being handcrafted, lightly decorated and very inviting.
"Perfect," she said after checking the bathroom, finding it fully stocked with towels and other expected amenities, and sighed in relief. "You can hang out here, or go elsewhere, up to you."
"As you wish," he said.
Finding his non-answer both amusing and bewildering, she slipped into the bathroom and shut the door. Carefully, she undid each snap and buckle to find the armor coming off in manageable pieces, which she dropped on the floor. With the exception of the soft, protective layer beneath the shell, she wore nothing else, unexpectedly sweaty once everything was off. She arranged it so that it would air out, then stepped into the shower.
Hot water came first, instantly washing away stress, cramped muscle, and a buildup of grit and sweat that had clung to every possible nook and cranny. The water came off tinged brown, and the smell made her nose wrinkle. One of the soaps was purple and smelled like a pungent tropical flower, easily overpowering the more unpleasant smells of her skin, and within minutes, the water came off clear.
Then she carried her armor into the shower, scrubbing and rinsing until everything shone.
She lingered longer than she had expected, tuning it to a pleasant medium and just standing beneath it with her eyes closed and the smell of the soap clearing her head. Eventually, aware of time passing, she switched it off, grabbed a large, fluffy blue towel, and dried herself off before checking the protective layer. It was still moist, and her armor was still drying, so she wrapped herself in the towel and opened the door.
Someone like her sister might have been a bit put off by the fact that Caius was still there, and she was wrapped in nothing but a towel, but she'd spent enough time in coed locker rooms – not all the time, but once in a while – that the prospect didn't bother much her at all.
"Decided to stay, huh?" She opened the door all the way, letting the steam escape through both the larger windows of the main room and the smaller one in the bathroom.
Caius had selected one of the chairs on the far side of the room to sit, his back mostly to the wall, facing the window but with the only other door squarely in his peripheral vision. His eyes flicked to hers, having been focused on the cityscape beyond the window, and he nodded once.
She grabbed the protective layer, quickly checked to make sure the towel was still secure, and walked across the plush carpet to a chair a couple of feet away from him, plunking herself down in it. Here, the cross-breeze from the windows blew over her and cleared the last of the water. She stretched the layer over the back of the chair, where it would dry the quickest, then rubbed her hands through her hair to shake out more of the water.
"What after this, Lightning?" he asked her.
She made a thoughtful sound and shrugged. "Not sure yet." Leaning forward to rest her elbows on her knees, she rested her chin on her hands. "There's no reason to go back to the desert yet, Snow's doing fine, and the Wildlands are probably okay for now." Sighing, she looked sidelong at him. "Any ideas?"
He leaned back in the chair, resting one arm atop the back. "Now is a good time to rest," he said. "It's peaceful now, and you may not have another chance later."
"Not this again," she grumbled.
"Yes, 'this' again." Caius frowned. "Do I need to remind you once more?"
Lightning leaned back and crossed her legs, now resting her head on her fist propped beside her, but could not disagree with what he had said – it was sensible, something she usually couldn't argue with. Besides, it was true that the bed looked comfortable and inviting to her tired body.
"What will you do, then?" she said, and looked over at him. "Go back to the temple?"
His expression did not change, but his gaze wavered for a moment. "Yes," he said quietly, "I will. It has not been all that long since I have seen Yeul, but she will welcome any time with me."
She lowered her arm. "But you won't."
Caius said nothing, but this time, his eyes briefly drifted away from hers. "It doesn't matter."
"It does," she said. "Do you really not want to go back?"
"She can hear everything you and I discuss," he said. "And you know I must do my duty, regardless of my personal feelings. We just talked about this. That is an oath of a Guardian. My duty and what is right must come before what I want or prefer to happen, whether it matches hers or not."
"I don't care if she can hear us," she said. "Do you want to go back to that temple or not?"
"Irrelevant." His tone was unreadable. "Do not ask me again."
"Caius, can't you just, for once–"
"Lightning, please."
Even if he had shouted at her, she doubted it would faze her more than that quiet plea. The edge had vanished, and all that was left behind was a distinct, nearly invisible, feeling of vulnerability. Even the fringes of his heart, ebbing in the ambient chaos around her, felt as though they reaching out tentatively, but keep withdrawing before they got close enough for anyone, or anything, to respond.
If his answer was yes, she doubted he would be so stubborn about not answering. But if Yeul already knew him as well as she suspected, why bother hiding it?
Hesitantly, she said, "Does she not know the answer to that?"
Caius looked faintly exasperated, but his voice was still soft when he responded. "My heart is part of the chaos now, but there is still a part of it that I keep locked away. This is a part of me that she cannot reach, that is as faraway as my soul. That is where the answer lies."
"That must take some effort, since hearts are made of chaos."
"It does." Eyes softening, he let them linger on hers a moment, then looked away out the window once more. "But I have gotten very good at it."
Hearing him say those words, in that solemn tone of acceptance, she didn't know whether to remind herself he had cursed his own life, or pity him.
"I'm sorry I can't save you," she said, very quietly.
Looking at her again, he said, "Why? I have been little more than a scourge to those who will survive. My face will only bring bad memories when they look at me. Where would I belong in a world like what is to come? What reason would I have for going? The only thing I have ever truly cared for is here, and she will never be able to travel to the new world. She is my anchor to this world. There is not one for me in the future."
"That... isn't the point." She lowered her gaze. "Sure, people might not like you, but they'd get used to you. They could accept you, eventually. And if they didn't, well, you know Sazh will. Snow probably would. Noel would need some time, but I don't think his attitude is permanent."
"Lightning, I do not belong in the new world. There is nothing for me there, no future, even if there was a choice."
"So, is it better, then, for you to be here, rotting away in the darkness?"
There was a pause, and then, "Yes."
Lightning clenched her fingers and looked away. "I'm going to take a nap."
The chair creaked as Caius rose to his feet without hesitation. "I will return when you wake," he said. Meeting her eyes, he nodded. "Sleep well, Lightning. You will need it." Before she could say anything more, he vanished in a wisp of smoke and the softest of sighs.
Lightning stared at the spot he had vacated for a long time, heedless of anything else in the room. When her thoughts finally returned to her, she shook her head and rose, rearranging her protective layer so that it would dry more easily. Once finished, she cast aside her towel, leaving it on a chair to dry, and checked the sheets before choosing to lay atop them instead, finding the coverlets too heavy, and grabbing one of the sheets to pull over herself. As she curled up, facing the window, her thoughts seemed to spin in all directions.
Bhunivelze and Hope occupied them first – she hoped she could rescue him from his fate, having her doubts about her capabilities. Remembering Bhunivelze trying to rip away her power and nearly succeeding but for her own force of will, she wondered what else he would do to punish humanity for her disobedience.
They wandered to Snow, and she was grateful that he seemed alright. Remembering how poorly she had treated him when he and Serah had first met only made her hope even more that their reunion would be happy, that they would be together forever, and that nothing would ever interfere with their happiness.
Lightning gripped the coverlet for a moment before making herself relax, trying to ignore a familiar twinge at the bottom of her stomach, but finding it difficult in the peaceful silence.
When Serah and Snow reunited and married, would they happily accept her into their home? Would there be room for her there? Or would she eventually be forgotten, buried under children and the demands of living a normal life, under work schedules and a growing family?
She would eventually be alone, she knew, one way or another, once again.
With some effort, she managed to shove those thoughts off to the side and went back to thinking. Her thoughts drifted to the others – Sazh, Vanille, Noel, and Fang – as she pondered when she would see them again, and what they would do in the new world. They would be happy, she knew, because she was going to make it happen no matter what, but the trick was in making it the rest of the way.
Then her thoughts slipped away from her, drifting to Caius and his solemn eyes, accepting his fate and having no more will to fight it – no way to fight it – and only wanting to make up for the mistakes he had made, whatever and no matter the cost to himself.
And hearing him declare himself a scourge, and meaning it, disturbed her, and made her pity him.
He would deny her pity, but she didn't really care.
How did it come to this? She had begun this journey steadfast in her lack of forgiveness, in her anger, in her grief, in her desire to keep him at arm's length, yet now she entertained the idea of forgiving him for every atrocity he had committed against herself, her friends, her family, and humanity. The atrocities he had wrought were massive, at one point nearly reaching the level of genocide in his desperation. And yet, she considered it.
For now, she filed it away, at the back of her mind, and closed her eyes.
She opened her eyes to smoky shadows, but not pitch blackness, and the dull roar of the people trapped in the chaos all around her. She stood on solid ground, but when she looked down, she saw nothing except blackness beneath her feet, making her head spin, so she looked back up and tried to focus. The chaos swirled and danced all around her, and she looked for Lumina, but the pink-haired girl was nowhere to be seen.
"Lumina?" she called out. Sooner or later, the girl always showed up. It was a pattern. "Come on out."
There was no response but the whispering shadows.
Worried she risked slipping into the chaos again, she forced herself to stay focused. She had fallen asleep, it seemed, which would make this a dream resulting from the chaos. She was at risk again of losing herself, and this time, Odin was not here to save her, and Caius was nowhere nearby.
A tendril of chaos appeared before her on the expanse; Lightning narrowed her eyes, watching it take shape, until it formed into the image of a young girl.
"The Yeul of War," she murmured as the figure took solid form. Wisps of chaos still swirled around her and danced like river water, reminding her that the girl was the chaos itself. It was indeed the girl who loved Caius, who had asked her to release him from her service, who had looked at her so coldly in the temple and calmly stated her all-consuming need to keep him with her.
"Your mind has slipped toward the chaos again," she said. Her green eyes peered at her, vivid against the dancing darkness. "This could have been avoided had you released our Guardian."
"I can't change the past," Lightning told her. "Besides, you have no proof of that. Can you see a different future?"
"I can make observations," the girl told her. "Will you release him back to us?"
The warrioress tightened her expression. "Release him back to you? I told you, you're getting him back at the start of eternity. You will be with him forever after this world ends. It might hurt a little to be away from him, but I need him with me for now. He's staying."
"And I do not?" The girl lifted her chin. "It is because of him you were cast into the chaos. Perhaps, if you release him back to us, Bhunivelze will not chastise you so."
Lightning faltered at this thought and stared at the girl. Releasing Caius from her service might very well be what was needed to keep Bhunivelze at bay until the final day arrived. It could be enough to stop him from sending his beasts to destroy the world. It could even give her a little more time.
Yet, even as she mulled this over, she knew it was, likely, already far too late for it.
"He has free will," she told the girl. "Caius can walk out any time. He can go right back to you whenever he wants. Why do you keep asking me to send him back?"
"Because he will stay until he cannot." Yeul's voice was strained. "You must turn him away in order for him to come back to us. He will not leave until he is made to. Do you not understand?" When Lightning opened her mouth, the girl frowned. "No, you cannot understand. Caius's heart is hidden from me. The truth of his motives and what he feels remains locked away. Yet some of reality slips free." She fiddled with the hem of her skirt. "You must release him to us, or he will not return until he has no choice."
"That isn't very long from now," she muttered.
"Release him to protect him, then, so that he will not suffer more."
Confused, Lightning stared at Yeul for a long moment, wondering how Caius could possibly suffer any more than he already did. How could she possibly add to his suffering? She could neither ease his suffering nor increase it, as it was not within her ability to do either. Perhaps Yeul had gone mad.
"He is... I won't make him suffer, Yeul," she assured the girl. "Besides, I couldn't. It's impossible for me."
"Man, you just don't get it."
Lightning frowned in the direction of Lumina's voice as the pink-haired girl appeared from the chaos, bearing a broad smile and twirling her hair around one finger. "Should've known you'd show up eventually. So, tell me the truth, what's your stake in all of this? Why do you care so much?"
"Just tryin' to watch out for you, sis. I mean, haven't you caused enough pain? Why make poor Caius suffer, too?"
"Enough nonsense," Lightning snarled. "What is really going on?"
Lumina laughed at her. "You just don't get it!"
Irritated, Lightning turned her attention back to Yeul to find the girl looking at her with pleading eyes. "I implore you, as only a woman who feels as I do can," she said. "I miss him so much that it hurts my heart. I am alone and broken without him. Missing him makes me incomplete. Even if he does not return my love, I still cannot bear to be apart from him. That is something you cannot understand."
"Oh, Yeul," Lumina said, giggling. "Of course she can't understand! She cut her heart into pieces a long time ago. Part of what makes her who she is, is missing."
Lightning's frowned deepened. "Listen to me, Yeul," she said sternly. "I remember, just before my final battle with Caius, you strung up Serah in front of me like a puppet, made me watch while you laughed about her fate, while you convinced me that I was at fault for her death. That continues to haunt me to this day. Yes, I am responsible for sending her to her doom, I understand that. But I did the same thing you are now – I begged you to bring her back, demanded that you release her from the darkness, and you laughed."
Yeul opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Something flashed through her eyes, something akin to fear, and not a hint of anger could be seen.
"There was more than one of us that day," she said. "I was among them, but–"
"Then I'm tired of this, and of playing these stupid games. That goes for both of you." She looked between them. "No matter how much either of you beg,. You know him – you can tell he doesn't want to go back when he has to. I don't know his heart like you do, but I can see hints when they exist. He's helping me, even though we warred and tried to kill each other. He is trying to make up for his mistakes, and to do that most effectively, he travels with me. If he asks to be allowed to leave, then we can talk, but enough is enough."
Lumina's grin froze on her face. "Ah, right, sis, but... ah, don't you think it would be... better to–"
"That's enough," Lightning said. "Don't ask me again."
The grin vanished, and the pink-haired girl stood there, looking lost, for a long moment, before her form slowly melted away into the darkness. Yeul was left staring in dismay, lips parted, but nothing came. The two stood and gazed at each other; Lightning felt a sinking sensation in her gut the longer she looked at the girl, but she could not determine the source of it.
Then Yeul said, in a voice barely above a whisper, "I cannot lose him more than I have. I cannot. It hurts. I cannot... I just..." Her hands came up to her face, and she vanished.
At the same time, a warm, white light enveloped her, separating her from the chaos, and lifted her off the black ground she had been standing on. As she blinked and looked all around, something brushed across her forehead, soft and warm; her mind cleared, the echoes of the chaos fading away as though her time in the Sea of Chaos had never occurred. Confusion overcame her; she opened her mouth, asking who was there, what they were doing, but there was no response she could understand.
A sensation of grogginess overcame her, not in the least unpleasant. Welcoming the feeling to her weary bones, she let her eyes drift closed, slipping into a peaceful sleep once more.
Both this chapter and the previous chapter are what I consider "relationship chapters" - ones that focus primarily on building and strengthening the relationships of the characters while laying the foundation for the direction of the rest of the story. In addition, these types of chapters are more important than they appear to be at first glance. This one, for example, has quite a lot to do with the remainder of the story. Anyway, now we have a confused Lumina and a hurting Yeul, a Caius who wants to be totally truthful to Lightning but can't, and a Lightning who doesn't really know what's going on. Thanks for being patient, and please let me know what you think!