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Keldeo the Critic- Season Five

Editorial 12: The Ending of How To Disappear Completely by shortskirtsandexplosions

"It's me! Keldeo the Critic! I review it, so you don't have to!" Keldeo said with a smile, "Let's talk about Flash Sentry."

Keldeo quickly covered his ears with his forehooves as a large unseen crowd began booing and complaining unintelligibly as loud as they could.

"Alright, alright, I know! Most people don't like Flash Sentry!" Keldeo shouted over the noise, "But can I at least get a word in edgewise?"

The crowd fell silent, and Keldeo put his forehooves back down.

"That's better. Okay, so look, Equestria Girls was a bad movie," Keldeo frowned and said, "Okay, I'll be fair. It wasn't very good. It was mediocre and not very interesting, and the whole entire premise was just weird. It might have also been a way for Hasbro to make money off of the popularity of Monster High, but I can't prove that right now."

Keldeo gained a quizzical expression and said, "Be that as it may, I have to ask. . . how is that movie's failure in any way Flash Sentry's fault? I mean, the only problem people bring up about his is that he was just a bland stereotypical love interest for Twilight. But that's not his fault. That's the movie's fault. And wasn't Flash the one who cleared Twilight's name when Sunset tried framing her for vandalizing the gym? Sure, any other character could have done that, but still, he did do something. Plus, he is a legitimately nice guy. He even went along with Twilight's horrible dancing at the end of the movie."

Keldeo's frown returned and he said, "In fact, when I step back and take a look at the Equestria Girls series as a whole, I have to say that Flash Sentry might actually be a tragic character. Think about it, things got worse and worse for him as this series went on. He's been brainwashed by Sunset, the Sirens, and Wallflower; Twilight dumped him for the version of him in Equestria, who has far less character and has literally done nothing for Twilight; Sunset isn't interested in him anymore; the human Twilight Sparkle is so different from the Equestrian version that there's no way they'll ever get together; and all of the main characters seemed to have snubbed him and barely associate with him."

Keldeo lowered his head and sighed, "Wow. . . poor guy. . ."

Keldeo raised his head back up again and continued, "Well, it turns out I'm not the only one who see this, because shortskirtsandexplosions, who also goes by the name of Imploding Colon when writing his Austraeoh – Rainbow Dash Flies East series, wrote a fanfic all about Flash Sentry's turmoil and the new adventure it leads him to go on: How To Disappear Completely."

How to Disappear Completely

By shortskirtsandexplosions

Rated T

Flash Sentry's world sucks. Maybe it's high time he left it.

"And, uh, yeah, that summary isn't an exaggeration, sadly," Keldeo said with an awkward smile, "You see, while the stuff I already listed would be reason enough to feel bad for Flash, the author adds a whole bunch of other problems to Flash' life, and I kinda think the author went overboard with it. In this story, Flash's parents violent fight every day, Flash loses his guitar, and his own circle of friends turn on him."

Keldeo sighed and shook his head, "Yeah, this was a mistake. If you make the character's life this awful, it just becomes so cliched and makes him too much of a woobie. You could've only added one of these things and it would've been enough."

Keldeo refocused and said, "Anyway, so Flash does what anyone would do in this situation: he goes through the portal to start his life over as a Pegasus in Equestria."

Keldeo smiled broadly and said, "This is where the story really gets good. Flash doesn't just immediately get it. It takes time for him to acclimate to his new body and new surroundings. He needs to get a job to make money, he needs to learn how to fly, and he also needs to make new friends; and all of this happens organically at an easy pace. The first few chapters are mostly slice of life, and they just feel so nice."

Keldeo got excited as he continued, "But then, we go into some adventure territory with action and tense situations! This is Equestria, after all! It's a fantasy world with monsters and magic."

Keldeo then calmed down a bit and said, "But near the end of the story, the author shows off his genius by having Flash decided to return to the human world. To many people, this sounds like the stupidest thing anyone would do. Why go leave a world of magic and adventure for a world so boring and mundane by comparison. That would be like a Pokemon Trainer going to a world without Pokemon, right?"

Keldeo smiled wisely and said, "Well, within the context of this fanfic and Equestria Girls, the author is teaching us an important lesson. We all have problems and personal struggles in our lives, and while it's nice to escape into the magical fantasy lands we find in book, television, or video games; we can't stay in those worlds forever. We have to take a chance and try to change our real lives in the real world. We need to be strong and courageous enough to face whatever issues we're dealing with, even if it hurts sometimes. And if we have friends and family to fall back on, then we can succeed without a doubt."

Keldeo stood smiling confidently for a moment. Still keeping the smile, he said, "Then the ending happened."

Keldeo's smile fell and said, "Yeah, the ending is a case of some serious controversy. Fimfiction's review system is set up like a YouTube comments section, meaning certain stories can have all out wars in their reviews with people having arguments with each other that can span 20 links or more."

Keldeo made a wry face, then continued, "You see, after returning to the human world, Flash's problems haven't gone away, of course. His parents still violently despise each other, and there are still students at school who still treat him in the vilest ways possible. Now, you would think it the story would end with Sunset and the rest of the main characters rallying around him and supporting him. In fact, Sunset and others do send him a whole bunch of text messages during his first day back asking if he needs anything and if they can meet up some time to hang out and stuff. But guess what? Flash sees the messages, but not only doesn't even read them, but just throws his cell phone away? Why?"

Keldeo said with a straight face, "He decides to become a hobo."

Keldeo stood silently for a moment, then he said, "I'm totally serious right now."

Keldeo sighed and said, "Well, he does leave a letter explaining what he's planning to do, so naturally Sunset catches up to him and tries to talk some sense into him."

"Just look at yourself, Flash!" She gestured at his three bulging backpacks. "What is this?! Rehearsal for the Hobo Olympics?"

Keldeo stifled a laugh, but then returned to his serious expression and said, "Sorry, sorry."

"What's the matter with relying on your friends, huh?! What part of 'we're all here for you, Flash' don't you friggin' understand?!" She gestured wildly.

"Exactly!" Keldeo shouted, "Isn't that what he should have learned in Equestria? Seriously, how is Flash gonna rationalize this decision?!"

"I had a vision today," Flash murmured, cool as fog off a glacier.

Keldeo blinked his eyes slowly. "Okay. . ." he said.

"I was swimming in a tide full of drowning, blind people. The water was shallow, and any of us could have walked to shore at any time. I suddenly understood this, and I understood that I didn't understand it for so long. And when I looked around, I saw the source of my misunderstanding. It was the levees built out of excuses—by those ahead of us and ourselves included—that keep us drowning. Slowly. Over time. And just because the flood guards were designed to make the drowning seem slow and painless over a long period, it still drowned us all the same. With no reward, no benefits, no gain." He shrugged. "You see, Sunset... in more ways than one, what's right in front of us can very easily—very comfortably—becomes the 'long term' way faster than we'd like to think. I'm no longer satisfied with that. I'm prepared to walk ashore."

"Go here: TinyURL: y8ou8abg," Keldeo said flatly, "Just go there for a response for this. Please. Because I just don't wanna waste my time thinking of a proper response to something this. . . pretentious and weird. I just need to let someone else do the work for once."

Her brow furrowed. "What do you even think you're going to do? Huh? Solve all the problems in the world by being homeless? I mean... what's so damn sinful about having a support group of friends and... and-and-and... a foundation or a home to work with?! I mean—is it your folks?! Just say the word and we'll find you a better place to live!"

"There are people who are able and willing to help you with these kinds of issues, Flash!" Sunset insisted, her angry voice teetering on a sob once again. "The world isn't as horrible as you think it is! And even if it was, we can still find you a better place to start living!"

"You know what happens to people who run out full-ham into the world on some extreme quest to fix things?! They disappear, Flash! They disappear and they change nothing! This whole crazy 'rotten' world?! Nothing changes with extreme stunts like that! Like this!" She slapped one hand against the other. "It. Takes. Order—Flash! Order and harmony! And friends! Everything I've ever learned—every lesson I've ever suffered through—proves this to be true! Social networks and groups are what make life flow down the proper channels! Surely somewhere in that martyr-fetish heart of yours you have the capacity to understand that!"

"That's all 100% true!" Keldeo shouted, "Even Jesus had disciples! And yet Flash just ignores all of this and walks off, and Sunset has to let him go because she can't exactly hold him against his will. Flash is just so. . . pretentious with this air that he's been enlightened by a higher power or something. . . I don't even. . ."

"The first friend you make in this world is yourself, and I need to make sure I'm right with him. Just like you had to make sure you were right with yourself. But where it worked for you, it can't work for me. We're just different people, Sunset. I can't find who I am—and how I can help the world—in this place... in this prison." He shook his head. "Nor can I do it in the home where you're from... which is a fantasy. But out there...?" He gestured down the trail. "There's reality waiting for me. And I have to go find it. No matter how difficult it may be. I have to go help it... heal it... just like I've been. By you and by others." He finished this with a smile.

"Don't smile at me, you-," Keldeo fidgeted with frustration for a bit, then he said, "I don't even know what to call you? I mean, you're not stupid, but you're certainly not wise; and I don't think crazy is the right word for whatever it is you are. What are you?"

Keldeo frowned a bit, then he reasoned, "My best guess is that living with those horrible parents did some extreme damage to his mind. I'm sure if he had gotten help and found a better place to live, he wouldn't be resorting to this."

Keldeo nodded his head and said, "So, is this ending really all that bad-OF COURSE IT IS!"

Keldeo sighed and shook his head, "I mean, what are we even supposed to do with this? It's not like Sunset is just angrily yelling at him without providing any promising alternatives. She's providing some pretty sage advice here. Too bad talking to Flash is just like talking to a brick wall! This could have been an incredible slice of life/adventure story about taking what you've learned from fantasy and applying it in your real life. That's literally the whole point of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. But instead, Flash just goes:"

Applejack: "Ah didn't learn anything!" (1)

"-and goes off to die a homeless loser!" Keldeo complained, "Great job, shortskirtsandexplosions! You just ruined what could have been an awesome story!"

Keldeo grumbled a bit, then he said, "And if you expected me to dissect the ending a bit more or talk about Flash's reasoning or something. . . well. . . Sunset pretty much does it for me! Her dialogue I just showed you sums just about everything up when it comes to the smart way to change the world and make the best out of your life, and you can always just read the last chapter of the fanfic yourself to get the rest of the context. But seriously, there's nothing left me to say, and Flash is so impossible at this point that I don't think I could analyze him even if I wanted to."

Keldeo was still grumpy as he said, "Okay, I need to review a Pokemon fanfic. Fast. And it needs to be a long one too. And I don't even care what the subject matter is!"

Suddenly, a Floatzel staggered through the shallow water, hiccupping as he approached Keldeo's rock platform. The Floatzel's eyes were crossed and red, and he sang out in a slurred voice:

"Nobody knows *hic* how dry *hic* I am!

*hic* Nobody knows. . .*hic* how dry I am!" (2)

The Floatzel then collapsed with his head and forepaws resting on the rock while the rest of his body floated in the water.

Keldeo stared at the Floatzel with a stunned expression on his face. Then Keldeo slowed looked straight ahead, and his head was suddenly replaced with a Mudbray's head which went, "Hee-haw! Hee-haw! Hee-haw!"

Next Review: Shades of Red by flaretempest

The End

Credits

Footnoted References

(1) MLP:FiM – Season 2 Episode 15- Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000

(2) Merrie Melodies- A Pest in The House (1947)

Other Credits

Austreoh by Imploding Colon (Wiki at TinyURL: yb3ejkdr)

FimFictionNet

TinyURL

Nostalgia Critic- Lady in the Water

Looney Tunes