Someone asked if I would ever consider opening an animal shelter. Not likely as my home is filled beyond capacity.
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In the last chapter I was making every attempt possible to sway Julia into abandoning all reason and giving in to temptations. I think I may have her….
Ghost35I left her lips momentarily and kissed her cheek, slowly, greedily moving down to her jaw and the curve beneath her ear that I knew was anticipating my unwavering attention. Julia sucked in a breath when I gently nipped her earlobe, my tongue flicking out to taste her sweet flesh. She pressed her hips to mine, fists hard against my spine.
"We should stop," she whispered between kisses, her voice low and welcoming.
"Is that what you want?"
"I don't know."
I lifted her onto the countertop and kissed her lips again, an open-mouthed, hungry kiss that crushed her to me in primal desire. We hadn't experienced the pleasures of the flesh in weeks and this was the result: an encounter that could not be denied, passion beyond anything I had ever experienced before.
Julia exhaled sharply when I followed the curve of her body from her hips up to her ribs. My fingers splayed, running high on her soft belly, feeling her inhale and exhale in sharp, desperate breaths. Her knees parted a little wider and I moved the hemline from her knees to the middle of her thighs.
"Before we lose control of ourselves we should stop now."
"You're probably right."
I made one last attempt to sway her by kissing her again but she pushed against my chest. Slowly I stepped back, knowing I couldn't demand that she continue. Even if she had not been forced into pleasing Louis I never would have taken her against her will. I only wanted her if she wanted me as well, and though I knew she was tempted she decided to deny me for now. Her body was her own.
Aching slowly replaced my fervent desire and I ran my hand over the back of my neck. "May I return after dinner?"
"You are not going to abandon this quest, are you?" she asked as she smoothed her skirt into place. She laughed softly and fanned herself with both hands.
"You never said I couldn't tempt you."
"True," she said with a smile. "But I think we should control ourselves—""Allow me into your home after dinner. I swear I will not attempt to make love to you but—" I raised my hand to keep her quiet a moment longer. "But allow me to touch you."
Her eyes narrowed. She was either confused or distrusting. She started to shake her head.
"Just for tonight."
She studied my face for a moment, her eyes settling on mine and slowly removing all hope I had of being with her after dinner.
"If I allow you to come into my home tonight you'll expect the same thing the next night and the night following. After everything that happened this afternoon do you honestly believe I would erase all thought of it and give into temptation?"
It was indeed what I hoped but I couldn't dare tell her that. She sounded as though she were standing on the fine line between civility and rage.
"Have I insulted you?" I asked lightly.
She shook her head and slid down from the counter. "There are too many things we need to discuss. If you came to me tonight things would only become more mangled than they already are." Julia crossed her arms, looking over my attire. "I suppose I should have locked the back door tonight."
My mood lurched further into a pit of boiling anger. I looked away from Julia, grinding my teeth and clenching my fists.
"You regret seeing me?"
"I don't regret seeing you, but perhaps it is too soon for us to see one another."
"Too soon?" I asked. Something deep inside told me I should not continue but I needed to know what she meant.
"In a week or two—"
"A week? You don't wish to see me for another week? Or possibly two weeks? You asked me to give you three weeks to prepare for this courtship and I agreed. But now you ask me to remain distant from you for two more weeks? I want to be with you, not away from you."
She sighed. "I want to be with you as well."
My heart sank into my belly.
"But?"
"I want what is best for both of us and I know you want that as well." She looked me in the eye again and smiled. "I know how you are. You see everything as black and white but sometimes it isn't that easy. There are not always definite answers in life, nor solutions…"
"Such as now?"
She nodded.
"Then what do I have to do to change that?"
"Do you ever listen when I speak to you?" she mumbled.
"I don't want to be away from you for weeks. Today when I returned to my music I kept thinking of you and how I may have lost you for the rest of my life because I acted thoughtlessly. I know it was my fault and I apologized for it but now I don't know what else to do, Julia."
"Then you must trust me. When I wish to see you again I will invite you."
She gave me one small kiss on the cheek, took me by the hand, and led me to the back door.
"I can change," I said. "If you do not give up on me, I know I can change."
"I have faith in you."
Faith or not, I knew it would be weeks before I saw her again.
The kitchen was empty when I walked inside, save for the smell of pesto sauce and lemon cookies, both of which made my stomach turn. I broke one cookie in half and ate it before entering the dining room where everyone was engaged in conversation. The lemon was far stronger than the sugar, so I gave it to Bessie, who had sidled up beside me as soon as I came through the door.
Meg and Alexandre were laughing in the other room.
I froze in the middle of the kitchen and felt my lungs grow heavy. My feet turned to lead. I had rarely come downstairs while they were in the dining room.
I hesitated, my eyes scanning the kitchen as I stood paralyzed. There was a small wood-framed mirror on the far wall that I looked at briefly, unhappy with the image that stared back at me.
Those eyes were frightened, those shoulders bunched up in panic of what lay beyond the threshold. I tugged at my sleeves and forced myself to move. I had nine years to think of this day. Prepared or not, I could not walk away and return to my room. Too much rested on this moment.
"Father has come to dinner!" Alex exclaimed as I entered. "Grand-mere! Madame Lowry! Monsieur Lowry! It's Father!"
His smile was blinding. I couldn't recall ever seeing him so excited about anything in his life, save perhaps when he assumed we would build a castle, moat, and dragon stable.
Madeline gestured for me to join them at the table. I took my seat at the head of the table, which was the only vacant spot. Alexandre sat to my right and Meg and Charles to my left. Madeline sat at the opposite end. She had removed the leaves from the table so that it comfortably sat the five of us.
"Would you like to say grace or shall Charles say it?" Madeline asked.
Her question caught me by surprise. I looked to Charles, who returned a closed-lip smile. The expression on his face told me he was indifferent.
I cleared my throat. "I would assume Charles has far greater experience. Charles?""Of course, sir," he said. He took Meg and Madeline's hands and bowed his head. They formed a chain around the table, as Madeline took Alex's hand and he reached for mine.
"You've eaten something before dinner!" he exclaimed.
I pulled my hand away and immediately wiped frosting from around my fingernail onto the napkin, silently and quite sardonically thanking him for putting so much attention on my chocolate cherry flavored finger.
"Grand-mere! Father!"
"Alexandre, keep your voice down!" Madeline scolded.
Again I reached for his hand and he took it. When I turned to Meg she was trying very hard not to smile but it was impossible. She knew how Alex was. I took her hand, attempting to hide my resistance. Her skin felt warm—which made me realize my own hand must have been like a block of ice to her. I was never cold, but consternation had my stomach in knots and my blood frozen in my veins.
"I apologize," I said under my breath, my eyes fixed on the table setting.
"Everything is fine," she murmured back. Her grasp tightened enough for me to notice, enough to reassure me that I belonged there.
Lost in my own thoughts, I missed most of what Charles had said. I half-expected that I would wake from a dream at any moment to find myself alone again, surrounded by crudely hewn dirt and stone walls, damp darkness, cobwebs, and furniture covered in dust. Alexandre would not exist, Julia would still be with Louis, and my current home would be occupied by a different tenant.
The changes in my life were profound, so much so that it was impossible for me to believe that it was not a dream. It was a terrible feeling that started in the pit of my stomach and slowly grew into a cavernous fear that often left me soaked in sweat and trembling when I woke. Late at night I sometimes crept down the stairs and looked into Alexandre's room just to make certain he was real.
But this was real. I was sitting at the table with a family—a real family I could call my own. For the first time in my life I was included in something phenomenal, yet normal. My childhood prayer had been answered. This was what I had wanted, for my mother and father to allow me at their table. I wanted to be treated as human, not as an animal. Most of my life I felt lower than an animal. The dog my father kept, a hunting spaniel, was allowed to lie at his feet while they ate dinner but I had been forbidden to leave the cellar from the time I was toddling around. I learned to walk at a very young age. I still remembered blindly climbing the stairs and rapping upon the door, begging to be allowed out. Like a horse my spirit was broken. But unlike a horse I was forced into complete solitude for days on end from the time I was trained to use a chamber pot.
I thought I would be alone forever. Alone in the darkness, hands blindly reaching out to feel something, anything in the world I knew existed beyond their cage built of locks and tree switches.
But this existed. It was real and it was mine.
"Erik," Madeline said. I blinked at her and realized that everyone was ready to eat. "Would you like to say anything?"
I hesitated a moment before I nodded. I glanced around the table at Meg, who for once showed no fear, and Charles, who sat with a slight smile and a welcoming look in his eyes. Madeline was at last proud of me for something. When I looked at Alexandre I knew it was the second reason Madeline had to be proud of me. My reason for still living was leaning forward, wide-eyed and grinning at me. All Alexandre wanted was for me to look at him.
How similar we were. We both craved the affection of our parents as if it were food or air to breathe. I looked at him and saw my own needs and knew he would never be denied. My God how I loved him, how I would sacrifice anything for his happiness.
At one table I had a mother, a sister, a brother-in-law and my own son. I had a family. For the first time in nine years I saw them in my home and didn't feel alone.
"Thank you," I said at last, and with that we ate dinner together.