February 1997

He blamed Rachel and Ross. He blamed Ross' jealousy and the stupid copy girl Ross had slept with. Chandler had been doing so well. He had been hiding it even better but then came news that Ross has cheated on Rachel and now the two were fighting while Monica, Chandler, Phoebe and Joey were trapped in Monica's room. They were lying together on Monica's bed, Joey absent mindedly stirring a container of leg wax. Chandler began feeling sick. He felt hot.

"Are you alright man?" Joey asked.

"I'm fine. Not feeling well," Chandler said, he grabbed Monica's pillow and held it close to him. He wanted to throw up. He wanted Ross and Rachel to stop fighting so he could leave. He needed to take something to help the nausea.

"You're sweating. Are you okay?" Monica asked.

"Just feeling sick. I'm fine. I got pain meds after my nubbin-ectomy. I feel-"

"Your nubbin-ectomy was ten days ago. I thought it was a quick, out patient thing. They gave you pain meds for that?" Monica asked, raising an eyebrow and looking at him. He shouldn't have said that.

"Yeah. I feel a bit of pain," Chandler said, purposely not looking at Monica. Instead, he tried to stand up deciding to leave but instead collapsed back on the bed. Monica put her arm around him, comforting him.

"Leslie was right," Phoebe said suddenly.

"What?" Monica asked.

"Shit, Chandler...Leslie was right," Phoebe said. Chandler glared at Phoebe, once again telepathically trying to get her to shut up. Leslie was Phoebe's old friend and singing partner.

"About what?" Monica asked.

"I'm fine, Phoebe," Chandler said, enunciating every word.

"You're in withdrawal," Phoebe said.

"What?" Monica asked.

"I'm not...I just don't feel well. That is all. I want Rachel and Ross to stop fighting so I can get out of here," Chandler said, tired.

"Are you on drugs?" Monica asked.

"No. No, I'm not," Chandler said.

"Chandler...come tell me the truth. Are you on something?" Monica asked.

He had lied so much, that it was becoming almost second nature. He stared at Monica, trying to ignore the anger and hurt he saw in her eyes.

"No," Chandler said. Monica let out a snort and shook her head. He half expected her to hit him but instead, she continued to comfort him, although he could tell she was angry.

"We can leave the room. If you're feeling sick...we should...are you sure you're okay?" Monica asked as she held him closer, gently kissing his forehead.

"I'm gonna be fine."

Chandler lay there, Monica still holding him. He was falling, spiraling. He felt sick as he could feel all three of them staring at him. He wanted crawl out of his own skin. He wanted to crawl away. He wanted to get the hell out of that room.

As soon as they were able, they left Rachel and Monica's apartment. Phoebe followed Joey and Chandler out and into their apartment. Chandler went straight to his room and grabbed a bottle of vicodin and one of the tiny bottles of vodka from his drawer. He was running low on pain meds, he needed more quickly. He was shocked at how fast he was running out. He didn't think he was taking that many as he downed about twenty pills with the tiny bottle of vodka.

When he finally walked out of his room, he saw Joey and Phoebe hugging. Phoebe was crying as Joey rubbed her back.

"What's wrong, Pheebs?" Chandler asked.

Phoebe and Joey stopped hugging. She turned to stare at him, anger dripping from her eyes.

"Nothing," Phoebe said.

"Pheebs," Chandler said.

"No...I can lie too," Phoebe said.

"Phoebe," Joey said.

"What?" Chandler asked as Phoebe lunged towards him, furious.

"You promised you wouldn't leave and I don't know what you're on or what the hell you're doing but you better just fucking stop. You hear me? Stop."'

"What are you on?" Joey said, his voice sounding tired as he walked towards Phoebe and Chandler.

"Nothing."

"Chandler, I know. I know you hide bottles of pills under your bed. I throw half of them out everyday and you were going through withdrawals in Monica's bedroom," Joey said.

"Wait, you're going through my stuff? Stay out of my things," Chandler said, that made him angry. How dare Joey throw out his bottles. He needed those and he was planning on quitting anyway. Joey didn't need to go through his stuff. That's why he was running out so quickly, that's why he had to forge that prescription. Joey was messing with his stuff.

"You lied to Monica," Phoebe said.

"Look, I gotta get ready for bed. I'm okay. There is nothing...just stop touching my stuff, Joe," Chandler grinned and walked into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. The door was soon opened by Joey, staring at him.

"What are you doing?" Joey asked.

"Leave me alone."

"No, stop being an ass."

"I'm not your friend, Shane...whom by the way, you wanna know why he got kicked out of his school in Scarsdale? 'Cause I'm the kid he beat up."

"No, you're not."

"Yeah, I am. He grabbed me by the dick and threw me to the ground and beat the shit out of me and I saw him again at your Halloween party when I was seventeen and he threatened me again so don't you fucking dare put me in the same category," Chandler said as he walked towards the kitchen, heading over to the fridge..

"You were at my Halloween party? Oh..." Joey said as recognition soon dawned on his face.

"Yeah, so I'm sorry if I don't feel so sympathetic. Just stay the hell out of my things and leave me alone," Chandler said. Joey walked over to him and grabbed his arm to stop him when Chandler suddenly swung at him. Joey jumped back and immediately pinned him to the fridge.

"You wanna try hitting me again? There's a reason Shane only picked on me once," Joey said when suddenly their door opened and Monica and Phoebe walked in. Chandler could see their stunned looks.

"Guys," Phoebe said.

"What are you doing?" Monica asked.

"Chandler tried to punch me in the face," Joey said.

"Chandler," Phoebe said.

"Stop messing with my stuff," Chandler said, trying to break free of Joey's grasp. He wasn't thinking clearly, his heart beating wildly. Monica walked towards him and Joey, placed her hand on Joey's and removed it from Chandler while stepping in between them. She stared at Chandler, he couldn't look at her, knowing she was angry.

"Can I talk to you, please?" Monica asked.

"I-" Chandler said.

"Please," Monica looked at him with a pleading look in her eyes. She held tightly onto his arm and the two walked out of the apartment. The two walked upstairs to the roof. When they reached the roof, she turned to look at him.

"We're doing this again?" Monica asked.

"I'm not-"

"Stop lying. Stop lying to me, Phoebe, Joey, Ross...stop lying. You are not okay. You tried to hit Joey? How do you think that would have ended? You're sick, Chandler...I mean, we have to go through this again? G-d, it's enough...you're gonna be twenty eight years old. Grow up already," Monica said.

Chandler stared at Monica and his guilt turned to anger. Pure anger, the adrenaline he felt before, the anger he was currently feeling.

"Leave me alone...just leave me alone Monica. Who made you in charge of me and you're not so perfect either...you're an obsessive, anal retentive control freak and I'm not your property or yours to change."

"You're an asshole," Monica said.

"Fine and you know what? You always tell me how you would never date me but you know what, maybe I would never date you."

"Please."

"No, I'd rather not date women who throws up their food after they eat it, you bulimic freak," Chandler said and just like that the words hung in the air. Monica stared at him. The reality of what he said hung there. He had screwed up and wasn't sure what to say now. "Mon. I didn't mean that...I'm...I-"

"No," Monica said, her voice sounding hollow now and almost eerily calm as she slowly enunciated every word that came out of her mouth, "here...here's what's gonna happen. Tomorrow is gonna be a really rough day. Phoebe will probably stick with Rachel tomorrow and I'm gonna need you and Joey to spend the day with Ross. I will go back and forth. It's not your turn right now. I don't have time. My best friend and my brother are both hurting...so I'm gonna need to take care of them. It's not time for you. I'm going to check on Rachel and call Ross, 'cause I don't think he's asleep. You do whatever you need to do...'cause it's clear you have it all figured out."

Monica turned and walked towards the door, leaving Chandler alone on the roof. He turned and leaned against the wall as tears fell. He stared out into the darkness of New York. He wanted so badly to be happy, to accept the love those other five clearly wanted to give him but he couldn't do it and couldn't figure out why. As he stared at the skyline, he wondered what it would be like to not be there. He could be gone and the five would move on. They wouldn't miss him. They'd probably be happier.

Soon, he did turn and walk out. He walked back into his apartment to find Joey on the couch watching Baywatch. Chandler sat down next to him. Joey glanced over at him and looked back at the television where the two continued to watch in silence.

The next few days were rough as Ross and Rachel could not be in the same room together and it caused the other four to take sides. Monica, Joey and Phoebe said nothing to Chandler about that night when Ross and Rachel had broken up and Chandler tried to quit but with the stress getting to him, he kept taking more and more pills, deciding he'd quit when they were done. He knew Joey was getting rid of his bottles still but didn't call him out on it. He needed to quit. He knew he needed to and soon he was down to one bottle of vicodin and he took it with them when he, Joey, Monica and Phoebe decided to join Rachel on a camping trip in her sister's cabin in the woods. Ross stayed behind. It had been a rough night. They had stalled on the side of the road and Ross had to help them but now there they were. Chandler sat on the balcony, staring at the darkness and smoking a cigarette, the bottle of vicodin in his jacket pocket. He needed to stop. It was too much. He was hurting too many people. He hurt Monica and Joey, that hurt him more than anything. He heard something behind him, but didn't look and soon noticed Phoebe sitting next to him.

"I'm not on anything," Chandler said, still staring out into the darkness.

"Okay...you know...Monica said you were on something again. I was gonna asked her what she was talking about but we got sidetracked. Chandler, I love you so much and I hate what you're doing. I hate that you don't get how amazing you actually are and how wonderful you are...and you're so hard on yourself and I'm sorry I got mad, but I can't stick around...I hate that you're forcing me and the rest of us who love you so much...you're forcing us to watch you die. Why?"

Chandler remained silent and continued staring out into the darkness as Phoebe continued looking at him. He didn't know the answer.

"Fine. I'm going to bed and by the way, Chandler, if you remember, a few years I gave you seven thousand dollars if you never smoked again. Technically, you owe me seven thousand dollars.. Good night."

Phoebe got up and began to walk back towards the house. He didn't want to be alone. He wanted her to stay so he called her name and pulled the bottle of pills out of his jacket and placed it on the table. Phoebe walked back to the table and sat, she grabbed it and tried to look at the label, but it was too dark.

"It's vicodin," Chandler said.

"For your nubbin-ectomy?" Phoebe asked.

"Kinda," Chandler said although he wasn't entirely sure, there were a lot of pills, "When Monica said that I was hooked again...back when she cut off my toe, they gave me pain meds and I got addicted. I quit after a few months of just excessive pill taking. Ross and Monica are the only ones who knew about that. Monica has always felt really guilty about that because she thinks that had she not cut off my toe, I wouldn't have gotten pain meds and wouldn't have gotten addicted to pills. It's not her fault. It's completely mine. But I did quit. In fact, when I saw you that day on the subway...I had been sober for about a year. It got pretty dicey for awhile though, but I thought I was okay. I hadn't taken a pill in eight years but then I went to the doctor for the nubbin-ectomy and...I got hooked again. They gave me pills and then I...I forged a prescription to get more...and more...and the night Ross and Rachel broke up, you're right, I was going through withdrawals."

"You lied to Monica, Chandler."

And he was still lying...fudging when he actually fell off the wagon this time. It wasn't when he got the nubbinectomy, it was before and he was pretty sure Phoebe suspected that.

"I know. I'm a bad person."

"No, you're not. Stop saying this stuff or thinking it...how can we get you to stop thinking this?"

"I don't know."

"What did Monica say to you? When you talked?"

"Asked me to stop," Chandler said giving her the short version. It was obvious Monica had not told anyone what he said to her and he didn't want to admit it.

"You didn't."

"No...I mean, Ross and Rachel were fighting-"

"Do not blame them. They did not cause this."

"I know. Take those pills and flush 'em. It's my last bottle," Chandler said. He needed to quit, had to quit but he needed help quitting and he felt Phoebe would help him.

"I don't know if I believe you."

"I know you don't."

Chandler watched her as she unscrewed the bottle and poured the pills in her hand. He watched as she stood up and walked towards the railing and threw the pills out into the darkness. That made him grin.

"You know if an animal eats one of those, they'll probably die," Chandler remarked as he extinguished his cigarette on the table.

"What?" Phoebe asked.

"Or not...maybe it'll help them run faster you know...right before they die," Chandler said as he got up and walked towards her. He did love Phoebe. He loved all of them and maybe that's what he had to do. So with with Phoebe's help...that night, he quit. He wanted to laugh.

"Oh, crap," Phoebe muttered, "animals! If you hear me out there...stay away from the vicodin."

He placed his arm around Phoebe and held her close to him.

"I think that did it," Chandler said.

"If one of those animals dies from one of your pills, I'm gonna take that dead animal and beat you with it."

"I know. I'm sorry, Phoebe. I really am," Chandler said.

"Screw you," Phoebe said as she wrapped her arm around his waist. "You stink."

"I know. I love you, Pheebs," Chandler said as he kissed her on the head.

"Me too."

It was going to be rough, he knew that much. But he knew what he needed to do. The rest of the camping trip was spent with him practically sleeping the bathroom, leaning over the toilet. Each one of his friends stayed with him. They each took turns and when each one stayed with him, he took that opportunity to apologize.

"It's okay," Joey said as he sat with Chandler. He was eating pizza as Chandler was curled up next to the toilet.

"No, I really am sorry and I'm sorry about your friend, Shane."

"He really did that?" Joey asked.

"Yeah and at your Halloween party...the one thing I remember was you telling him to back off me. Thanks, man."

Joey smiled as he continued to sit with him. It was through talking they had discovered how far back they actually went. It made Chandler appreciate Joey so much more. The hardest person to apologize to was Monica. When Joey's shift was over, it was Monica's turn and she sat with him.

"Do you hate me?"

"No, Chandler. I know you would like me too but I don't. I want you to be happy. That's all-"

"What I said to you...I'm so sorry."

"I know. Get better and I'll forgive you."

"Thanks...also, I need to call Richard."

"Why?" Monica asked.

"While you were dating he knew...he gave me the number of a rehab specialist guy and...I think I need to call him," Chandler said.

"Richard knew?"

"Yeah. I told him not to tell...I wasn't ready."

"Chandler, when did you fall off the wagon?" Monica asked.

"About a year ago, when Eddie moved in."

"Chandler."

"I'm sorry."

"You need help."

"I know."

"I can't...I don't know how to help you anymore. You need professional help," Monica said.

"I know. I'll call Richard. I don't think I can do this alone. What I said to you...I'm so sorry. I don't want you to hate me. I'm sorry I lied so much. I thought I could handler it," Chandler said, his eyes filling with tears.

"We'll get through it," Monica said as she reached for his hand, squeezing it.

"Hey...are you feeling better?" Rachel walked into the bathroom carrying a video.

"Ehhh," Chandler said.

"I'm depressed and I wanna watch Spaceballs and you haven't done that with me yet and that makes me mad so if you're not feeling pukey...let's watch," Rachel said. Chandler smiled as he looked over at Monica. Monica smiled.

"I'll get you a bucket."

Monica helped him as he stood up and walked towards Rachel. She placed a blanket around both their shoulders and they walked towards the couch. He lay down and Rachel set up the movie and sat next to him.

"You're too thin," Rachel remarked. "I want my cuddly Chandler back."

"I know."

"And...hey, you know...I never thanked you."

"For what?" Chandler asked.

"I quit Central Perk because of you. I got my dream job because you pushed me to be better and now I'm gonna return the favor."

"Thanks," Chandler said.

"Here you go," Monica said, placing a bucket next to him and plopping herself down on the couch as well.

"Oh, I called Ross. He's coming up here after he spends the day with Ben," Rachel said.

"You did?" Monica asked.

"I had too. I mean, I'm mad and angry and all but...Chandler's sick and we need all of us. We're a group of six, right?" Rachel asked, smiling.

"Thanks, Rach," Chandler said.

"You're part of us, Chandler. Please don't leave. If you left and...I mean, I never thought I'd say this...but if you left...my G-d...I know I'd fall apart. Please get well," Rachel said.

"I'm getting there."

"And stop lying to us, jackass," Monica muttered.

"That too."

Rachel smiled as she pressed play. She snuggled up next to him as they watched the movie. Joey and Phoebe soon joined them as did Ross. While Ross and Rachel did not speak, having Ross there felt good, in fact having all five of them there made him feel good.

When they returned, he decided he would keep his promise. He even quit smoking. He wanted to make them proud, wanted to earn their friendship and trust back. It was definitely tough as many nights, Joey stayed up with him, helping him. He managed to get through it. He managed to put back on the weight he had lost and by the time they all headed to the beach that May, he was back in shape, looking healthier than he had ever felt.