A/N: (Feel free to skip my useless rambling) Hello, my dear readers, and a very merry and belated Christmas to you all! I hope you guys had an amazing Christmas. I for one had my relatives over which I haven't seen in a very long time. It was absolutely fantastic, if not a bit tiring. (I'm an introvert so social interaction tends to wear me out). Anyway! Unfortunately, all the Christmas decorations have been taken down, but there's still that fire and those wonderful, purple, comfy, spinny chairs and the purple carpet! I can't decide if this chapter is much better than the last, you'll have to decide for yourselves. But do try to enjoy it while you drink your tea! Wipe your feet when you come in, leave your dishes in the sink on your way out, please, and don't forget to leave a review! :)

35

If I Could, then I Would

Days passed since Alex had left. Matt found himself walking the same route around the lake every day at exactly 2 o'clock. And it was at this time that he was skipping stones across the grey waters, causing ripples to echo on the water. He didn't care who saw him at this point. His hair was ruffled in a gust of wind, and he took a deep breath. He was breathing, yes…but was he really alive? In his heart, in his head, he knew that he wanted to be with Alex for all time, that was all he really wanted at this point – and it was the one thing he couldn't have. He couldn't tear his thoughts away from her. Her stricken face haunted him, lingering in his thoughts, running through his dreams, screaming at him that her heart was broken and that he hadn't done a thing to mend it.

After a few moments, he found himself ambling down a street to he knew not where. That little box was still in his pockets- it never left.

Sometimes, he couldn't breathe.

Alex was gone.

Oh, she'd be back when the season started up again, but his Alex was gone. They wouldn't be able to talk or to laugh – he would have to keep his distance once more. He couldn't kiss her with the same passion, or wrap his arms around her. She was gone, gone, gone. Things would never be the same. Matt wasn't entirely sure how he'd manage seeing her again when the filming began.

It wasn't until he tripped over the curb that he realized where exactly he was. He looked up to see that blue, modest house. The brambly, homely rose bushes winding around the foundation. The windows were dark, the mailbox was slightly askew. He shoved his hands in his pockets and walked up the stairs. Kaz might be out, but he didn't care. He went inside anyway.

He felt sick as he walked through the hall, forcing himself not to look into that god-forsaken den. He went into the kitchen and leaned against the shining metal sink, staring down at the drain. He looked over, and the glint of something caught his eye. He frowned and peered into the bin, not even considering that it might be strange to do so, and found the shards of broken crystal.

One of Alex's favorite wine-glasses.

She had always been so careful with them, she handled them reverently. They'd been German-make, her mother's. And she had exactly six- well, now five.

He wondered vaguely if Kaz had broken it.

"Matt?"

He blinked and turned, seeing Karen standing in the doorway to the kitchen, holding her phone in her hand and staring at him like he'd grown three heads.

"Oh, heya Karen," Matt said listlessly.

"What on earth are you doing here?" She asked him, walking over slowly.

"Noticed there's crystal in the bin…" Matt rambled, "What happened?"

Karen glanced at the bin, "Oh, that…I came in and there it was in the sink. I suppose she didn't bother to clean it up."

That wasn't like Alex. Matt swallowed. She must have been so upset… "Oh. Yeah…"

"So why are you here?"

He shrugged, looking around the kitchen. "I'm not entirely sure…I suppose…" he sighed softly and ambled to the kitchen table and put his head in his hands, "I suppose some part of me wanted to find her here."

"Matt, it's not like she's dead or anything, she'll be back in two months." She walked over and sat across from him, an eyebrow arching curiously. "Or is that too long?"

"Far too long," his mouth felt dry. "We were together."

Karen's mouth fell open and she shook her head and then stared at him, "Excuse me?"

"We. Were. Together." Matt said more firmly that time. "We were together and she just…broke up with me – left …"

"Oh my god! I knew it!" Karen all but screamed. She giggled lowly and then noticed his expression, "Sorry…" She got up and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "I'm sure it'll be fine, Matt. She just needs some space."

"I don't think so," he murmured. "She's scared out of her mind that the press will find out and have a field day." He felt some measure of indignation, "Which they shouldn't. She has the right to whoever she wants, no matter who she is or what her age is. It's the most sexist thing I've ever heard- I mean, Tennant and Billie were the exact same difference and nobody had a problem with imagining those two together…but then there's Alex and I…the only difference is that Alex is the older one. What's wrong with the woman being older than the man?"

"Matt-" Karen interrupted his angry rant, "Matt, shh. You're going to give yourself a coronary or something." She sighed and sat. "She'll come to her senses and come back, I promise." Unfortunately, that didn't really help him much.

Matt simply shook his head and then stood. "I should go."

"You sure you don't want some tea or something?"

He shook his head again, "No. I'm fine." He then sighed, "And don't tell Arthur, okay?"

"I promise I won't," Karen said sincerely, nodding.

"Thank you." Matt turned and started out the door, past that green room that Alex and he had painted together. As he walked down the blustery street, passing crowds of people, his hands were shoved in his pockets and his head was down, hair flopping in his eyes. Somehow all he could think about was running his hands through Alex's hair, tangled up with her when the morning dawned bright and clear. Her phantom lips brushed against his. One tear fell and struck the pavement with a sharp splash. Then another, then another.

He bit back a soft sob. He wasn't strong enough to do this on his own. He needed her, he needed to care for her, to love her. Everything was secondary to his need to see her smile and wrap his arms securely around her, to let her know that he would love her forever. Alex had asked him to let her go, and he couldn't keep that promise, she didn't understand the impossible thing she was asking him to do. His fingers closed around that small box one more time and he kicked aside a fluff of dry autumn leaves. How could he simply move on with his life like they had never happened? It was like Alex had bewitched him, cast her spell.

They were bound together, Alex and him, by an invisible thread, so tenuous and yet so strong. Silken rope, wound around his ankle, was pulling him (drawing him) after her. He couldn't help it. He'd given her his heart and she held it, and he kind of hoped she would be careful with it…because it was the only heart he had, and she would have it forever.

If he could, then he would run to LA and tell her so. What difference would it make, though? She didn't want his help anymore, that much was clear. He couldn't help her. This was something she had to do on her own, to find herself, to stand up for herself. Matt prayed she would do it quickly. Somehow, though, he felt that once Alex discovered just how truly brilliant she was (the way she was in his eyes), she would realize that she didn't need him. She deserved so much better than him, and it was really pure luck that someone like her had ended up with someone like him.

He ought to be grateful for that short amount of time they had, and yet he couldn't be.

In minutes, he found himself back at his own home and he went into his room, setting the box on his nightstand. It was just after four. Toby came in and pushed into his hand. Matt gave him an absentminded scratch behind the ears as he sank onto the bed.

He was startled out of his reverie by the ring of his phone. He grabbed it an glanced at the caller ID. His heart thumped in his chest wildly.

Alex.

His mouth went dry and he answered it, the blood rushing into his ears. "Hello."

"Matty?"

Salome.

He shifted in his seat and frowned. Why was Salome calling him. "Hey, Salamander…I miss you," he gentled his voice as he realized hers was tinged with worry.

"Miss you too. Can you come to LA?"

"I don't think your mum wants me there," Matt murmured an apology.

"Please? Mum's not good… I want you to come and fix it, she's always happy when you're around. Please, Matty?"

Somehow, he thought that Alex wouldn't be happier should he show up. "Salamander…"

"Please. She and Dad are always fighting, and he's really mean to her and I can't do anything…"

Something flared in his chest. Florian was there? He felt a war within himself between his protective instincts and his desire to respect Alex's wishes. The protective instincts won.

He jumped up and grabbed his coat. He'd have to make a last minute ticket reservation…but what the hell? "Alright, Salome, I'm on my way. Everything's going to be fine."

"Good…" There was crackle on the end and the sound of muffled but raised voices in the background. "I gotta go… Mum's looking for her phone. Bye, Matty…see you soon."

"Bye, I love you." Matt whispered. There was a click on the other end and Matt went to quickly make the flight reservations.

He hurriedly packed a few things he needed. Matt then glanced at the nightstand, a small plan forming in his mind. It was too late to apologize… but maybe it wasn't too late for something else. He grabbed the square, velvet box and pressed a kiss to it, pleading one last time over it as he put it in his pocket and rushed to print his tickets.

His plane would leave in an hour.

He'd better get going.