Chapter Thirty Seven.

Lauren lay in bed later that night, waiting for Joey to come upstairs. She'd pleaded tiredness and had come up to bed about an hour earlier, hoping that Joey would join her. So here she was, lying in the dark waiting for him. A floorboard on the stairs creaked and she held her breath, closing her eyes and feigning sleep. The door opened quietly but the light remained off. Lauren was going to say something to him, telling him she was awake but she kept quiet, sensing that he didn't want her to be awake… if he had, he'd have come upstairs earlier. After a few minutes he climbed into bed beside her and Lauren wanted to move closer to him but again she refrained. He moved behind her and she had to physically stop herself from flinching as his fingers grazed the back of her arm, brushing the edge of the scars. His voice broke the silence and she wondered briefly if he knew she was awake but quickly realised he didn't.

"Do you have any idea how much I fucking love you…?" he breathed, one fingertip circling the edge of a scar so softly she almost couldn't feel it. "And how much it hurts when you say things like you did today…?" he added and Lauren felt awful. "I just want to love you and keep you safe… to look after you…" he told her. "I know that may sound old fashioned… but it's just how I am, babe… I had to look after my mum and sister when I was growing up… and I want to do that for you now." He took a breath and Lauren could hear the emotion in his voice, even though he was barely making a sound, "I want to be the one who's there for you when you need me… I want us to grow disgustingly old together… In short, I guess… I just want you… always have done… always will…" he said. He said nothing more, edging closer to her as his arm wound around her waist. Lauren listened and waited, hearing his breath even out a few minutes later. She lay in his arms, mulling over his words. Tears ran down her face and as she silently cried she made a vow to herself that she would try harder.

*JL*JL*

Over the next few days Lauren got into the routine of taking her tablets and she had two sessions with her counsellor. She knew she wasn't cured but she could feel there was a slight improvement… in all things apart from with Joey. She knew this… she'd even discussed it with her counsellor… the only person she didn't seem able to talk to it about was Joey himself. Things weren't bad between the two of them… It was different to how it had been before the hospital visit… there wasn't an awkward tension… no atmosphere or bad feeling… it just wasn't what Lauren had hoped it would be either… and she was sure it wasn't for Joey as well. She'd toyed with the idea of telling him to go home… even just for a few days… but when she'd tried to talk to him about it her throat had gone dry and she couldn't get the words to leave her mouth. So she'd decided that in her heart she didn't want him to go.

The one thing she'd realised was that the only way things were going to change between them was if she did something. The ball was firmly in her court and it was time for Lauren to return it. It could've been any day but when Lauren woke this morning she knew today was the day. She'd said nothing as she watched her dad and Joey get ready and then leave for work. Once she was alone she made a move. She'd gone upstairs and had a shower, standing under the flow of water for some time. She'd put the lotion on her scars, blocking her emotions as she dabbed at them with her fingers. When she was done she then dressed in something comfortable. She headed downstairs, taking her coat off the hook and then grabbing her handbag. She took a few deep breaths, going through the relaxation techniques her counsellor had shown her and then opened the front door.

*JL*JL*

She looked towards the car lot, a mixture of relieved and disappointed when she saw there wasn't anyone around. She knew, in her heart, that she needed to do this on her own… but at the same time, she wished Joey was here to hold her hand. She went down the stairs, her eyes running around the square, thankful that she didn't seem to have caught anyone's attention just yet.

It seemed bright outside and Lauren realised she'd spent far too much time hidden away from everything. It was bright and noisy and for a moment she nearly chickened out, fighting the urge to turn around and run back up the stairs and into the sanctuary of the house… although it could be argued that it was as much a prison as it was her sanctuary. She walked with her head down, hoping she didn't run into too many people as she headed for her destination. She glanced up as she reached the bottom of the market, finding Peter watching her intently and she paused, staring at his face as panic ran through her head. She hadn't spoken to him since before… In fact, they hadn't really ended their relationship, it was obviously done – he hadn't even been over to see her since she'd been home, although she didn't want to see him anyway. She knew she should speak to him but she just wasn't up to it today. She started walking again, heading to the door of the pub and knocking on it.

The door opened, Mick Carter standing there. "Is Nancy available?" Lauren asked him, not quite able to meet his eyes when she looked at him.

"Come in, darlin'… she's just upstairs but I'll let her know you're here…" he said, stepping backwards and opening the door for her. She walked in and he shut the door again, locking it behind them. "Have a seat… I won't be a minute." He said, disappearing out of the back of the bar. Lauren sat down, her eyes locked on the optics behind the counter. She thought briefly about how easy it would be to go back there and get herself a quick drink. It would take seconds and she could drink it before Mick even returned. No one would ever know. She slumped in the chair, closing her eyes and lowering her head as she took a couple of deep breaths. "She'll be down in a minute, Lauren." Mick said, his voice startling her as she looked up at him. "Would you like a drink?" he asked.

"More than you know…" she whispered, looking at the spirits once more. She sighed, "Can I have an orange juice?" she asked.

"Of course." He said, having not missed her earlier words. He remembered the conversation he'd had with Max after they'd first moved to the Vic, when he'd told him about how Lauren couldn't have any alcohol. He could see the longing on her face and his heart went out to her, knowing how much she'd been through… and was still going through… He got her the orange juice and walked it over to her table, placing it in front of her. "It's good to see you around, darlin'…" he said.

"Thanks." She whispered, sipping from her glass. "How much do I owe you?"

"Don't worry about it, darlin'." He said. "I'll leave you to it… just holler if you need anything…" he said, smiling at her.

"I will…" she murmured, wondering what he'd say if she asked him to slip a shot of vodka in her glass. She knew exactly what he'd say, to be honest… and she didn't even really want the vodka anyway… it just seemed like a good crutch to use… something to make her forget about everything for a little while. The door at the far end of the bar opened and there stood Nancy. Lauren and Nancy had a somewhat tempestuous relationship which had almost got violent a couple of times and Lauren wasn't sure how this conversation was going to go.

Nancy walked over to where she was sitting, "Do you want to talk?"

"If you have some time…" Lauren said softly.

"Sure…" Nancy said, starting to sit down.

"Would it be okay if we don't sit down here?" Lauren said suddenly. Nancy looked at her in surprise. "The urge to drink is quite high…" Lauren admitted, "Sitting staring at the bottles is a bit too close for comfort." She added.

"Why don't we go upstairs?" Nancy suggested, "My parents are both busy and Lee is out…" she said, "Unless you want to go out somewhere?"

"Upstairs is fine." Lauren said quickly, not wanting to venture outside for as long as she could. They got up and Lauren picked up her drink, following behind Nancy as they headed through to the back of the pub. "Where's Johnny?" she asked as they headed up the stairs.

Nancy turned back to look at her, "Oh, I guess you weren't here, were you…?" she said, "He left just before Christmas… gone travelling the world with his boyfriend, Gianluca… last time we heard from him he was in Peru…"

"Oh…" Lauren said, "No one told me he'd left…"

"You've had other things to think about, ain't you?" Nancy said.

"I guess." Lauren walked slowly up the stairs, following Nancy until they reached her bedroom.

"Come in," Nancy said, holding the door open for her. "You can sit anywhere… sorry, it's a bit of a mess…"

"It's fine, Nancy…" Lauren said as she perched on the edge of the bed. "I just turned up here, unannounced, didn't I?"

Nancy sat down and the room fell awkwardly silent. "So…" Nancy said after a couple of minutes.

"Joey said you and Tamwar were together…" Lauren said.

"We are," Nancy confirmed.

"He said you said you'd speak to me… about his scars…" Lauren murmured.

"I did…" Nancy said, "Joey told us you were worried about how people would react if they see them…" she said.

"I…" Lauren stopped speaking, "It's sounds vain…" she whispered.

"What does?"

"I just don't want to look ugly…"

"Are we talking in general… or do you mean to Joey?" Nancy asked.

Lauren thought about it, "Both I guess." She said.

"Well, in general, I don't think anyone would ever describe you as ugly, Lauren… not even a blind man… You're beautiful… always have been and nothing has changed…"

"You think so?" Lauren asked softly.

"I wish I had your looks, Lauren." Nancy told her matter-of-factly, "Yes, okay I'm sure you've got some scarring… it'd be more of a surprise if you hadn't… but looking at you now, you can't tell…" she stated. "I saw you when you were brought out of that building… you didn't even look like you, Lauren… you would never guess how badly your face and hands were burnt, looking at you now…"

"I was lucky… they were only first and second degree burns and I got the treatment I needed quickly." Lauren said.

"As to the Joey thing… I don't really know him but when I met him that afternoon when he was talking to Tam, it was clear to see that he loves you… Adores you… and I'm pretty sure he loved you just as much beforehand…"

"What was it like for you?" Lauren asked, "The first time you saw Tam's scars…"

"It was a surprise, I'll admit… he didn't tell me about them until we were about to…" Nancy stopped speaking, biting her lip. "He took off his top and told me about them… what had happened… and then he turned and showed me them…"

"What did you think?" Lauren whispered.

"I thought about how incredibly brave he was to show them to me… I know what it's like to have a secret that you don't tell people…"

"You do?" Lauren said, turning her head to look at her in surprise.

Nancy turned to look at her, nodding her head. "I'm epileptic…" she told her. "I have seizures… only my family, Tam… and now you know…" she said, "Dexter knew as well… he was there when I had a seizure not long after we got the square."

"I didn't realise…" Lauren said.

"Why would you?" Nancy said, "I don't go round advertising it… you can't tell from looking at me…" She looked at Lauren, "I hate people knowing… they look at me differently… treat me differently once they know… Tam doesn't… He worries about me… worries I might have a seizure that is bad… when I'm on my own and something bad could happen…" she told her. "I guess in a way he does treat me differently… but it's different with the person you love, ain't it?" she said.

"So seeing his scars didn't put you off?" Lauren whispered.

"No, Lauren… they're a part of who he is… he wouldn't be the person he is now if he hadn't gone through that… Like I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't have my seizures… Those things make us who we are… they make him the person I love…" She said, "Yes, okay, I'll admit I wish he hadn't had to go through that pain… but he has and he's come through it. He was strong enough to handle the pain… I think he's probably the strongest guy I know…" she added.

"I hadn't thought of it like that." Lauren breathed. "I guess I got so wrapped up in how I look, I didn't think of everything else…" she said. She glanced at Nancy, "I guess that makes me pretty shallow, eh?"

"No… I think it's natural to feel that way… I know Tam has huge issues about his scars… He didn't want to tell me about them… he thought it would put me off wanting to be with him…" Lauren frowned, her insecurities returning as she realised that Tamwar was still mentally affected by his scars after so many years. "I think he'll always feel that way… but the fact I know about them and we're still together… and we're going to be together has helped. His scars don't define who he is, Lauren… they never have and they certainly aren't going to define how I feel about him either."

"Do you think Joey will be the same?" Lauren asked softly.

"Do you think he won't?" Nancy asked her seriously.

"I don't know…"

"Yes, you do…" Nancy said. "He was there when you were at the hospital, right?"

"Yeah…"

"So he's seen your burns and what happened to you right from the beginning, yeah?"

"Yeah…" Lauren said again.

"I should imagine your wounds were pretty horrific just after the fire," Nancy stated.

"They were…" Lauren murmured, although she had very little recollection of that time.

"Well, I think you're safe then." Nancy told her, "He's seen your burns before they started to heal… and it didn't scare him away… He's still with you… He cares for you… When he was in here… I could see it in his eyes… He's kinda hot when he talks about you…"

"Hands off!" Lauren said, narrowing her eyes at her friend.

"I know… and I'm with Tam… He wouldn't want me anyway… not when he's got you…" Nancy said with a smirk. She looked at Lauren carefully, "It must've been difficult when you first got together…" she said, changing the subject slightly, "Tam wouldn't tell me about it when I asked." She said softly.

"It was messy… I made it worse… after Joey's dad screwed it up…" Lauren said.

"How did you make it worse?" Nancy asked in interest.

"My drinking… the pressure of everything made that spiral out of control… I ended up in rehab…" Lauren grinned at Nancy, "That didn't scare Joey off either… not really anyway…"

"Told you so." Nancy said.

A/N: I think the Nancy/Lauren friendship has real potential and I'm hoping that when she returns to the show proper, they utilise it. I hope that Nancy's talk with Lauren has helped here… It was brave of Lauren to leave the house for the first time. Send me a review and let me know what you think. Back tomorrow…