The Golden Boys
by Rob Morris

Theme: Thank You For Being A Friend; After I Brought Harriman's Life To An End; And If You Were To Die Now; And Your Body Had Been Quite Renewed; You Would See; With My Ship I Would Flee; And In The Fal-Tor-Pan You'd Say; Thank You For Being A Friend!

(We go to Miami, Florida, in the year 2295. Now retired Starfleet Officers Kirk, Spock, and McCoy live in one home, along with Spock's widowed father Sarek. A recent stroke has left him a trifle addled. McCoy's just that way)

(Spock sits at a table with K+M)

Spock: Alright, everyone. I have calculated the amount of our bills this month, and divided them three ways. If we all pay equally, and on time--we may just be able to accomplish our long-term goal of living here in peace.

McCoy: (Smiling a bit vacuously) Well, these nice people came by and needed money for their charities, so I gave my bill money to them.

Kirk: Bones, how could you give away the bill money? What kind of pea-brained idiot are you?

McCoy: (A bit hurt) Well, I figured, if I gave them my bill money now, maybe they'd give some to me when I needed it.

Kirk: Bones, we need that bill money--now.

(McCoy gets up)

McCoy: Then I'll go collect on my debt a little early.

(He leaves)

Spock: Not to worry, Jim. I was the charity officer in question.

Kirk: Then how come he didn't recognize you?

Spock: The cartoons were on.

(Sarek bursts in, wearing Klingon armor)

Sarek: My son, have you no honor? Why are you not prepared for our sacred pilgrimage to Boreth, to bask in the blood and songs of The Feast Of Dread Kahless?

(Spock raises an eyebrow)

Spock: Because, Father--it is not the Feast Of Kahless, and we are Vulcans.

(Sarek looks about, then nods)

Sarek: Yes. Highly logical. I was wondering why the bloodwine tasted so much like marinara sauce.

Kirk: Spock--about what we were discussing earlier-I'm afraid I've come up short.

Sarek: Finally, he admits it!

Kirk: Sarek, why don't you go where you belong, on Romulus?

Sarek: I am not from Romulus.

(Kirk smiles)

Kirk: I know.

McCoy: I looked everywhere, but I just couldn't find that charity!

Sarek: Did you look up your own behind?

McCoy: Dammit, Sarek, I'm a general practitioner--not a proctologist!

K+S: Are you sure of that?

Spock: Jim, I must question the reason why you do not have all of the money on time, as we agreed.

Kirk: I have...entertainment expenses.

Sarek: Its true, he does. Dating the entire Cadet Cheerleader Squad can be very expensive, what with dry cleaning and maintaining that saddle!

Kirk: Sarek---Amanda's going to be calling soon. Shouldn't you be in the living room, waiting for it?

Sarek: You're right, Jim. She doesn't call that often anymore. I wonder why?

Spock: Father, Mother died in bed, five years ago.

Sarek: I know, my son. But there was a lot more to our relationship than just sex.

(He leaves)

Spock: Jim....

McCoy: Oh, Spock, don't complain. At least we got rid of Sarek, for now.

Spock: Good point, Doctor.

Kirk: And he's the dumb one.

McCoy: If I'm so dumb, then how come someone else didn't notice he was hitting on the dance line from La Cage Aux Folles?

Kirk: I had to know, Bones. I-had-to-know. Then, I wished I hadn't. I mean, they hadn't even shaved their legs that night.

(Knock on the door)

(Kirk opens it, its Carol Marcus)

Carol: Jim!

Kirk: Carol!

(Slams door, walks away)

Carol (through door): We aren't done, Jim! We belong with each other. We had a son together, remember?

Kirk: David's been dead ten years, Carol. And I'll bet he's still livelier now than you were, last time we were in bed!

(She leaves)

Kirk: (Sees Sarek) Well, I'm for the refresher.

Sarek: Jim, you may wish to avoid the refresher. (Sits down, queasy)

Kirk: Oh, Sarek, No!!

Sarek: Indeed. The jalapeno pepper, while an intriguing vegetable, has many unanticipated long-term effects.

Kirk: Exactly--how many did you eat?

Sarek: Three Hundred.

(Kirk opens the front door)

Kirk: Oh, Carol, Darling! Let's start again!

(K Walks out, Sarek gets up suddenly)

Sarek: MANY---long term effects!

(Runs for the refresher)

(In the kitchen is McCoy, answering the back door)

McCoy: Yes?

Picard: Doctor McCoy--you have all been living in an illusion! All four of you were brought into the Nexus, eighty years ago!

McCoy: Izzat so? Well, sit down, while I get the others. Y'know, this all reminds me of something that happened in my hometown of St. Olaf, Georgia.....

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MANY DAYS LATER........

McCoy: .......when in reality, it was the pig all along. Well, the scandal that resulted simply made all future Peach Cobbler Festivals one big joke. Wait, did I mention that the pig knew Ulie Turnower from his first farm? I didn't, did I? Welll, without that, the story's just pointless!

(Kirk walks in; Sees Picard, who has long since hung himself)

Kirk: Bones---who is this man?

McCoy: Huh...You know, Jim, I'm not really sure. He had some kind of message, I think.

(Spock and Sarek watch)

Spock: Another suicide, due to the Doctor's stories.

Sarek: I once knew a logician with similar problems.

Spock: Indeed?

Sarek: Yes. My son---picture it, Vulcan, 2182. We had just finally stopped using thees and thous--except for your grandmother, she was always a pain. I emerged, 17 years old and ready for my first Far Pett.

Spock: Don't you mean Pon Farr?

Sarek: If I had meant Pon Farr, I would have said, Pon Farr. No, Far Pett is when the girl first lets you get to second base. Boy, did my girl have a pair. Her name was T'Rim. T'Rim T'Rah, we called her---at least in part because that was her name.

Spock: Father, does this story have a point?

Kirk: Wait, did you say her name was T'Rim?

Sarek: That is correct.

Kirk (Opens a small ledger) Wow! I'm dating her tonight.

Spock: But you had scheduled a date with Miss Nymphomania, 2293, tonight.

Kirk: What's your point?

McCoy: Back in St. Olaf, we had a name for situations like yours Jim.

Kirk: Ok--I'll bite. What was the name?

McCoy: Slut.

(Sarek looks out back door)

Spock: Father, what are you doing?

Sarek: At some point, the people from 'Empty Nest' have just gotta show up for a cameo, and then I am SOOO outta here!

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Also, don't forget to watch the wacky misadventures of our Android Lieutenant Governor, his shape shifting rival, and a Talaxian goofball. That's right---'Bensoong' is next, on this station!