HELLO EVERYONE. THANK YOU FOR READING THE STORY AND I HOPE YOU ARE STILL ENJOYING IT. AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THE LOVELY REVIEWS AND I'LL KEEP ON ANSWERING THEM. :D I AM SORRY THE UPDATE HASN'T BEEN COMING MORE OFTEN, BUT I HAVE BEEN VERY BUSY AND HAVE NOT HAD TIME FOR THE COMPUTER. IT WILL BE BETTER THOUGH. :)

Catastrophe: 4694-018

By all the Gods, Artemisia. The day has fallen into the night and there is nothing but darkness outside the window. The day has come to an end but the morning was already dissolved into something catastrophic, I just didn't notice until I came to work. I should have paid attention to the bird that smashed into my window last night. I didn't think they flew that high, but as I saw the blood running down the glass I felt a shiver down my spine. It was almost as a premonition of what was to come and though I have never been a believer in anything other than the greed of man, I see it as a warning. The police had taken the entire Biomedical centre under siege, the area is still sealed off and everyone is scared. I am so worried I feel sick at the stomach yet I can't bring myself to go home. I am sitting at the nearby quotidian day-and-night restaurant and I have no sleep in my body. I have since long messed up my circadian rhythm, thus one more day without sleep won't make any difference. Although I did not care much for Dr Hannoh, I never wanted to see him dead. Yes, he was executed today by a mongrel who took his life after shooting the doctor into pieces right in front of Raoul. I don't know why I grabbed hold of Raoul instead of letting him stumble out of the elevator and rush to Hannoh's assistance, as he was about to do if I hadn't stopped him. All our miseries would have ended then.

I noticed something was wrong when I arrived to work. I saw a few people who were dressed in an odd way compared to what you see in these parts of Ceres. It is cold outside, and so the long coats were not suspicious, but 'hanging around' outside an academic faculty such as the Biomedical centre was not really in harmony with the style and type of those youngsters who stood near the entrance. I have been around these kinds of people long enough to feel it instinctively when something is about to happen. Granted, I have not been involved in the darkness of Ceres for a long time (I am only referring to the Black Market now), but I still have a 'feel' for it. The limousine in front of me belonged to Raoul. I saw him get out and enter the building, closely followed by Dr Hannoh. They were always arriving the same time. You could set your watch by them – odd. Even when they were late.

I lost focus for a swift moment as I was about to turn towards the garage entrance, and when I cast a glance after Raoul anew – it was only a flicker of a second later – the guard outside was sinking to the ground and one of the mongrels was gone. It all happened so fast. I only saw the end of his long coat sway through the closing doors to the centre. I stopped my car and stumbled out, running like a madman up the stairway towards the main reception. I pulled out my gun in flight and shot the mongrel outside who was reaching for his own weapon. Apparently, I still have the skill of aiming and firing on spot. I think his brain was dead before the body realized it, for he staggered on despite the fact that the back of his head was on the wall behind him. I heard some people screaming around me as they witnessed this, but I didn't care. I was focused and the rest happened in slow motion. I knew that these assassins had not counted on returning home – it was a suicide mission – and thus had nothing to lose. They had to be brought down immediately for they were already set on dying and threats would only lead to a larger number of deaths. I ran through the reception are towards the elevators and fired a few times – still running. Everyone ducked and there was still a few seconds of delay before the stunned guards reacted. Raoul and Dr Hannoh turned just to be taken aback by the mongrel assassin who was sinking to he knees with a stale facial expression speaking of the numb death that was slowly taking him over. I didn't even wait until he was on his knees as I ran past by him and towards Raoul. The elevator arrived and the door opened. Half way between the mongrel and Raoul, I passed Dr Hannoh who was walking with insecure steps towards the dying mongrel. I heard him utter the name 'Kellie'. I saw Raoul was about to join him, but I stopped him, fearing the worst. I couldn't help Dr Hannoh, but as the reception exploded into a sea of fire, I dragged Raoul into the elevator and hit the level panel to close the doors. The blast was deafening and fire was licking the walls, flickering inside the confined space of the elevator like the tongue of a lizard. I held him tight. I held him safe.

I guess Trithorax was right about my ancient heritage that haunted me still. I was the guardian like thousands of maimed eunuchs before me, and though I wish I could have acted differently, I followed my instincts and pushed Raoul to the ground, protecting his head as I clutched him into my embrace. I used my body to shield him from harm until the doors closed and the flames died.

"Oh my God, Katze," He shivered. Whether from anger or fear I'll never know, but he had a strange mix of emotions making up his expression. He caught his breath in the thick fabric of my turtleneck sweater as he panted against my shoulder. His breath was hot and it was trapped in the knitted patterns of the sweater, still lingering on as he pulled away.

"We have to get out." Raoul started again a bit insecure. His eyes were everywhere except on me. "Open the doors."

I did as I was told and we stepped out of the elevator. Parts of the reception was covered in soot and the heat was still pulsating in the air, along with the pungent smell of the explosive that had just claimed nine people's lives; three receptionists, four security guards at the detector gate near the elevators, the assassin and Dr Hannoh. Apart from these charred bodies, there were two more left outside, one of which had died by my own hands. I don't think I felt anything then. Strangely, my only focus was on Raoul and to make sure he was safe. To what purpose anyway? He was the one that should have died!

The police was there within minutes and there was a great commotion, which resulted in everyone being evacuated and forced out of the building. I parted from Raoul although I knew he would have wanted me near him. He was questioned by the police and they spent hours with me too; asking the same bloody questions over and over. I gave a statement and left the scene. I saw Raoul's eyes desperately searching for mine and there was a pleading in them that spoke to my instincts to stay with him and protect him, but I refused. He is NOT going to get the best of me. I left him there and strangely I feel so guilty. I feel really bad about it. My hands are sweating and my heart is restless even though it's been hours since the murder. I can imagine how he feels – Raoul. I would need to talk to Trithorax, but I am too numb inside. I don't feel like chatting tonight. Not to anyone. I am turning you off too.

I can't sleep, Artemisia. There is too much tension inside. My feelings are mixed and I need to know if Raoul is feeling somewhat balanced. I have to call him. My body is covered in sweat and I have to jump into the shower. I will give my impulse another thought. Be back later.

I was so furious. I AM furious. I wanted the feelings to go away. I wanted to stop thinking about Raoul and I even tried to think back to the time of New Years Eve with Trithorax, but those thought were only replaced by Raoul's sweet breath caught in my sweater as he panted against my neck. He was afraid and I was protecting him. That gave and still gives me the greatest of pleasure. I was his everything and he was holding on to me for comfort. I felt like a father. It was a very gratifying feeling. To be the protector – to be his hamija. The way be buried his face in curve of my neck and the fear in his eye made him look like child in my hands. He spoke so vividly to my instincts and in some strange way it even aroused me. At that moment he trusted me more than he had ever trusted anyone. I had his life in my hands and I was shielding him from the terrifying world.

I took a long shower – ice cold. I even tried to satisfy myself, but to no avail. It seems like my own body is rejecting my touch. It goes numb and I can't feel a damn thing!! I AM GOING CRAZY! I want to feel, but I need HIM, Raoul, to complete me. I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't fucking EXIST. It's like wanting something so bad you are breaking for it; seeing it within reach and yet it's untouchable for someone like me. Like remembering the taste of sweetness, but now that you put sugar into your mouth it's only bitter! It's not fucking FAIR! I HATE BEING LIKE THIS! I WANT TO FEEL AGAIN! But I don't want to have Raoul to do that. What happened to my body's response when it comes to Trithorax?

Cursing wont help. Throwing you across the room didn't help either. Luckily you are nearly indestructible for blunt force, I'm sorry. It just so… I don't know… agonizing, I guess.

A while back I rushed out of the shower and pressed the communicator, but as it began signaling for Raoul, my mind kept asking me; "So what will you say? Please, Raoul come over and screw me for I am a horny bastard yearning for you? I might not feel a damn thing, but you might get off on me."

As he answered, I hung up. The water was still dripping from my face and body. I was so cold I was shivering, but mostly due to frustration, and then my side of the communicator signaled for an incoming call. He had re-traced the call. After what seemed an eternity I allowed for the call to go through and Raoul asked me what it was that troubled me. He heard on my voice that it was trembling, it was weak and unlike me. He asked if he should come over and my heart was celebrating this proposal, yet I denied it.

"No, I'm fine… I just wanted to ask something."

"What was it, Katze?"

His voice was tender.

"I… I forgot." I lied. Water still dripping off my face; pelting against the floor.

"Are you all right, Katze?"

"Yes, sure. I just remembered something, but it can wait till tomorrow."

Once I began lying, it was easy to pile the mendacities. It's only the first one that is hard to overcome, but once that is done, the rest is a child's play.

"I'll see you tomorrow then."

"Good night, Raoul."

Why am I this way, Artemisia? I'd better not think anymore. I'll have a bottle of scotch in the bar. Hopefully, I can get up in the morning.