SUMMARY: It's the worst Christmas ever at Gwen & Rhys' flat. Come join the hilarity of a drunken, stoner, naked, burning down the house kind of evening. Chapter rated R - It's Christmas with Jack after all. Alcohol and drug use, Strip Trivial Pursuit, sexy underwear, language.
This part of the story won't make any sense unless you look at the picture on my homepage (see my story page for the link) Its a little racy, but nothing is showing that shouldn't be. (Ok, its not the best manip in the world but hopefully it was Lulz).
And let's have some comments - especially about the picture!
(The Trivial Pursuit Game is reaching a critical moment. It's Jack's turn and he's down to his boxers.....)
The next question was Jack's. It was an easy one but they all knew he was going to miss it on purpose. And Jack did not disappoint. He whipped off his boxers to reveal…
????????? (This is where you go and look at the picture).
Everyone, including the weevil screamed!!
Owen and Ianto were just entering the lobby (having jimmied the building lobby door lock) and heard the screaming coming from Rhys and Gwen's flat. They didn't wait for the elevator and ran up the stairs to the front door. Owen shouldered his way through the door.
"FUCK! It's the attack of the Abominable Snowman!!" yelled Owen.
Ianto couldn't believe his eyes. 'Oi! Is that a carrot Jack, or are you just glad to see me? '
Ianto and Owen looked at each other and began to howl with laughter. The weevil sat straight up and began to howl with them.
Owen put on the best straight face he could. "Ok, boys and girls, what's going on here?
"Well it's really all Ianto's fault," Gwen said as she started laughing again.
"Yeah, Ianto's fault," Rhys agreed. "And we love him for it."
"The brownies… they didn't have rum… they had hash in them." Tosh could hardly get the sentence out she was laughing so hard.
All of a sudden, Brenda sobered up quickly. "Oh my goodness, I smell smoke."
Owen and Ianto ran into the kitchen and saw smoke pouring out of the oven. Gwen was right behind. "There's a fire extinguisher under the sink. I put the roast back in the oven to keep it warm and the oven must have still been on."
Ianto grabbed the fire extinguisher and Owen opened the oven door. Ianto blasted the charred bits of roast with foam. The fire was quickly put out. Unfortunately, Ianto couldn't get the extinguisher to shut off and foam sprayed all over Owen and Gwen, not to mention the kitchen ceiling and walls, well the whole kitchen really. Finally the extinguisher stopped spraying. Owen opened some windows in the kitchen to vent the smoke.
As he returned to the living room, he heard sirens in the distance. "Beautiful, we've got mostly naked stoned people, a stoned weevil, foam everywhere and the fire department on the way."
Jack managed to pull himself together enough to order everyone to get dressed. They all scurried to find their clothes so they could look presentable when the police and firemen arrived. Unfortunately, Jack had to forego putting on his boxers as the weevil had taken them and put them on his head.
Rhys tried not to laugh at the Weevil's antics. "So what are we going to do about Uncle Fester?"
"Let's wrap him in my coat, stick a hat on his head and see if we can't walk him past the authorities using a little Torchwood finesse," Jack suggested.
"You mean muscle," Owen snarked. Jack nodded.
The fire department and police arrived a few minutes later just as Owen and Jack were loading the weevil into the SUV. Fortunately, PC Andy was there and after peering as best he could through the tinted windows of the SUV, he looked at Jack and asked, "That one of your spooky dos?" Jack nodded.
"Yeah, I came myself because I recognized the address. Is everyone OK?"
"Yeah, small kitchen fire."
"Did Gwen burn something again this year?"
"Yeah, she put the roast back in the oven thinking it was turned off, but it wasn't and it incinerated sort of."
"Sounds like Gwen. She actually exploded a microwave oven when she first started on the force. Good thing Rhys knows how to cook. Can I go upstairs and make sure everyone's alright?"
"No problem, but can I borrow your handcuffs." Andy stared at Jack, wondering if Jack was trying to get something going with him.
"For the spooky-do, for goodness sake!"
"Yeah, sure," he said pulled them out and handing them to Jack. Jack quickly opened the car door and Owen cuffed the weevil's wrists together.
They headed upstairs as the firemen were heading out. "Damn drunks, nearly burned the building down," one of them griped.
"You're just mad because you didn't get to run in and save anyone. Be glad it was only a little oven fire, and they had it out by the time we got here." The first firemen was going to say something else, but saw Jack glaring at him.
"Hey Merry Christmas guys, sorry about ruining your day," Jack said turning on his thousand watt charm. "Yeah, you too," the firemen replied none too impressed. "Bloody Torchwood."
They went upstairs to find everyone cleaning up from the party. For the most part everyone looked reasonably respectable, though it was clear that Gwen had her shirt on inside out. Not to mention the melting blobs of foam sitting on top of her head.
"Andy!" Gwen was surprised and embarrassed that Andy was there.
"Yeah, don't worry, Jack explained about you cornering one of your aliens in the flat and forgetting to turn off the oven." He put on his most official voice and told the group, "Well Torchwood almost lived up to the first part of its name tonight. Looks like a little too much celebrating might have gone on as well. Is everyone safe to drive?"
"Me and Gwen and Mum aren't going anywhere, so we're OK," Rhys pointed out.
"We just got here," Owen said pointing to himself and Ianto, " and unfortunately missed all the fun." He brushed some foam off his coat. "Well most of the fun anyway."
Jack pointed out that he hadn't had a drop to drink all evening. Tosh acknowledged she had over imbibed but she wasn't driving.
"Well I'd like to give you both (pointing at Jack and Owen) a quick breathalyzer test just for my own peace of mind. If you flunk, I'm only going to ask that you wait until morning to drive home."
Owen felt really put out, but Jack said they'd be happy to cooperate. Andy went out to his squad car and brought back the test kit. Both Owen and Jack tested 0.0% alcohol in their blood.
"Well, I'm pretty sure that Owen is sober, but you Jack, just be careful, OK." And who's the quiet one?," he asked pointing to Ianto. "He hasn't said a word. What's the matter, is he stoned speechless?"
Ianto couldn't believe that a friend of Gwen's had make such a tasteless remark. He turned his back on Andy so he could focus on something else. He be damned if he was going to have a conversation with this git.
Gwen grabbed Andy by the arm and pulled him out of the dining room toward the front door. "You idiot, Ianto's a survivor of Canary Wharf. His injuries affected his ability to speak. Didn't you hear The Queen's speech today?"
"Shit, I really bollixed that one up good, didn't I?"
"Yes you did, so you'd better get your arse in there and apologize."
They went back into the dining room. Jack has his arms around Ianto and was speaking to him softly. Jack looked over Ianto's shoulder and glared at Andy.
Andy took a deep breath. "Look mate, I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you, but even so, that was a shitty thing to say."
Ianto turned and looked at Andy. Andy had almost no emotional defenses and Ianto easily sensed that Andy was absolutely mortified.
He typed something on his Blackberry's voice synthesizer. 'Yeah, well OK, but don't let it happen again.'
Everyone started to say their goodbyes. Jack gave Ianto a small kiss and then he and Tosh excused themselves quickly to go deal with the weevil in the SUV.
"I'll drop Ianto off at my place and come by the Hub to help you," Owen offered.
"Tell you what," PC Andy said carefully. "Why don't I give Ianto a lift back to your place and you can follow the SUV back. "Would that be OK, Ianto?" Andy was very nervous as to what Ianto would say.
'Can we drive really fast and put the siren and lights on?,' Ianto asked. 'Please.'
"Hell why not, it'll my Christmas present to you." Ianto smiled. He gave Gwen and Rhys a final hug and the two men headed out the door.
Once everyone had left, Gwen and Rhys surveyed the flat. The dining room didn't look too bad, but the kitchen was a total disaster. "Guess Mum won't have to worried about undercooked Mad Cow roast beef," Rhys snickered. "Hey where is Mum?"
They went back into the lounge but Brenda wasn't there. They searched the flat and found her sound asleep on the commode. "Oh Rhys, you shouldn't see your mother this way. Get out of here and let me handle it." As soon as Rhys left the bathroom Gwen whipped out her cell phone and took several more pictures. "Yeah Brenda, I think you're going to be indisposed for many Christmases to come." She lifted Brenda and got her pants back on. "Rhys, your Mum's decent now, come and help me carry her to her bed."
About an hour later, after they had cleaned up everything as best they could in their still somewhat stoned state, they sat in bed reflecting on the evening.
"Well it could have been worse. Think if it had been any other policeman except Andy. But I think overall everyone, including my Mum had a good time."
Gwen smiled sweetly at Rhys. "In some ways this was actually fun. Ok, not the weevil, or the fire, or the foam all over the kitchen, but I think that it went surprisingly well."
Rhys kissed Gwen and turned over to sleep. "You done good Gwen, I think Mum's starting to like you."
'Oh yeah,' thought Gwen, 'she's going to love me when I show her the pictures. This was probably the best Christmas I've had in a long time. But poor, poor, Brenda she doesn't even realize that she's just had The Worst Christmas Ever!'