Days thereafter, Cragen, Elliot, Olivia, and Alex stood outside of an intensive care unit looking in on the man that had tried to help crack their case regarding a couple that was hiring male escorts and attacking them, leaving many seriously injured, one in a coma, and another dead so far. Special Victims did not have the evidence necessary to arrest the woman at the head of the escort service who set up these encounters, but Alex had suggested that one of the escorts wear a wire to try and get information from her. The plan went south very quickly the night the man wore the wire and Detectives Benson and Stabler were unable to reach their informant before the woman attacked him, throwing boiling water to his face. They were all consumed with guilt in their horrible mistake of timing, judgment, and strategy.
The mother came out of the intensive care unit, wearing hospital scrubs and a medical mask, ready with ammunition for all of them. "How did this happen?" She asked, removing the mask. Cragen and Stabler informed her of her son's role in their case, and that the female suspect attacked him because she had found her son wearing a wire in order to retrieve crucial information for their investigation. "Who approved this?" She begged of them desperately.
Alex's heart sank below her stomach and her mouth went dry. She stood with her arms crossed and couldn't bear to even look at the mother, but had to. Elliot and Olivia exchanged glances as they all stood in silence. "I did." Alex confessed.
The world around her evaporated as she stared into the hospital room unable to fathom the amount of pain the man was in because of her decision. Cragen said something to his detectives, but she didn't register the words. Olivia gave her a quick glance, not particularly sympathetic, but she couldn't look back at her to know for sure. Alex was left alone outside of the room, clutching her arms together.
Eventually, Alex returned to her office. She stopped at her secretary's desk and asked her not to forward any calls, no matter who it was, and that she did not want anyone to interrupt her unless it was an absolute emergency. Cecile nodded and watched as Alex went to her office, locked the door behind her, and shut the blinds. Later in the evening, the secretary noticed that Alex had not emerged from her office once. She knew what had happened of course, but there was nothing she could do, so she went home for the day without telling Alex goodnight as she always did.
Olivia had never seen Alex so shaken before. She always managed to keep herself detached and poised when it came to her work, and never took anything personally. She knew that what happened had pierced through her, and she worried that the guilt Alex felt about the man's traumatic event was going to butcher her conscience and willpower. Olivia tried calling her several times since she'd left the hospital to try and talk to her, but was always told by her secretary that Alex wasn't taking any calls and to try her tomorrow. That wasn't going to be good enough, so Olivia waited until around 5:30 to leave the precinct to check on Alex, hoping that the guard dog had left and that Alex hadn't gone home.
When she arrived, she saw that Cecile was gone, but Alex's office light was on. She approached the dimly lit office and tapped her knuckle against the textured glass in the door, softly at first. When she didn't get a response, she knocked again, a little harder, and put her ear against the glass to try and determine whether Alex was actually there. She heard barely audible shifts of motion and light footsteps approaching the door.
"This had better be a goddamn emergency." Alex snarled, unlocking the door and opening it a crack to see who the hell was bothering her. She still looked exactly as she had at the hospital. Olivia could see the hurt and pain buried behind Alex's stony expression, but there wasn't even a hint of tears in her eyes. When Alex saw that it was Olivia, she sighed and rolled her eyes. "What do you want, Olivia? To rub in my face that you were right and I was wrong?" She snapped.
"What? No, Alex." Olivia protested. She hadn't been expecting that kind of venomous reaction from her.
"Oh, come on. I know you didn't agree with my decision to wire him." She said crossly, refusing to open the door.
"I never said that." Olivia argued.
Alex stood silently in the doorway, sizing Olivia up. She was edgy and wanted nothing more than to take her anger out on the detective. "I know it's what you were thinking." Alex said, attempting to close the door on her, knowing that yelling at Olivia was not going to fix anything.
Olivia's hand caught the door and she wedged her foot into the jam. "That's not what I was thinking. Alex, I know that you're tearing yourself up about this, but we all are. It's not your fault."
"Like hell it's not!" She yelled with her eyes ablaze and shooting into Olivia's.
Alex's anger shocked Olivia. She knew she'd be upset, but she never expected Alex to be so nasty to her when she was only there to try and help. She had to change her strategy and relax her – and quickly. She assumed a calmer voice, "I just wanted to check up on you. As a friend. You don't have to go through this alone."
"Move your foot before I slam the door on it, detective. I want to be alone." Alex spoke between clenched teeth. If Olivia didn't leave her alone, she knew that all bets were off and that she would take everything out on her. Alex's eyes were bitter and glaring into Olivia's through the clear lenses of her glasses. Olivia removed her foot and Alex slammed the door, shutting her out.
Olivia sighed, trying to think of another way that she could comfort Alex. She was a pro when it came to sympathizing with victims, and Alex was, in a way, a victim of herself and her own emotions at the moment, but she was going to be a difficult woman to comfort. She also could sense that Alex wanted to take her anger out on her and she really didn't want to set herself up as a punching bag for Alex. She needed to tinker around with her tactics and translate them to meet her needs, but still approach her in a way that didn't patronize her. She had a feeling that exposing anything that Alex deemed a weakness in herself would surely set her off. She spoke to her through the door. "I think you should just talk about it, Alex."
"There's nothing to talk about!" She yelled from the other side of the door and across the room.
"You don't have to do this to yourself, Alex. We've all been there." Olivia pleaded through the door with her fingers interlaced, holding them up to her chest. Olivia heard the door click and she took a step back waiting for it to open.
"Why won't you just leave me in peace?" Alex asked, exhausted from her emotions. She leaned her head against the doorframe.
"Because I want to help." Olivia said, quietly and almost at a whisper.
"I didn't ask for your help, Liv." She retorted.
"Won't you at least let me come in? Just for a minute." Olivia begged.
Alex took a deep breath and sighed. She knew Olivia would not leave her alone no matter how many times she slammed the door in her face, so she decided to step aside and let her in. She returned to her seat at her desk with a frustrated groan and nodded over to the chair opposite of her desk inviting Olivia to sit next to her. Olivia closed the office door and then pulled the chair around the desk and sat down next to Alex. She sat with her legs apart and clasped her hands in her lap, leaning onto her knees, and looking up at Alex, waiting for her to talk when she was ready.
She wasn't sure if there was anything she could do for Alex other than listen and if Alex didn't want to talk, it was going to be a very quiet and emotionally charged evening, but she was okay with that. She wanted Alex to know that she could count on her as a friend and just being there with her was hopefully enough to establish that connection. Fortunately, even though Alex claimed she didn't have anything to talk about, she started talking.
"I ruined that man's life, Olivia." Alex said, sitting back against the comfortable chair.
"You need to stop that way of thinking. It's really not your fault. We all agreed to it. We all felt it was our best and only option given the circumstances. He knew what the risks were and he agreed to it."
"Not until after I guilt-tripped him to wear the wire. He wasn't going to do it until I convinced him otherwise." Alex leaned forward, her elbows on her desk, and her head in her hands. "I can deal with anything, but I don't know how to deal with this, Liv." She looked up at her. "I made an unforgivable mistake. And I'll probably be sued."
"Don't speculate on the what-ifs. You'll get through this." Olivia said calmly.
She looked back into Olivia's eternally sad and beautiful eyes that wanted nothing more than to help and console her. The compassion emanating from Olivia was something Alex was completely unfamiliar with and she didn't know how to deal with that either, having grown up in a world where emotions, particularly ones that expressed weakness, always came second to business and appearances. Alex's eyes were glistening, but no tears had actually fallen. She stifled them back and blinked multiple times to erase their existence and looked away from Olivia to her hands on her desk.
It broke Olivia's heart to see Alex so overwhelmed, but refusing to let it affect her. She didn't understand that kind of emotional reservation. "You're allowed to be upset, Alex." She said reaching her hand around Alex and touching her softly on her back for reassurance.
Alex let out a laugh in spite of herself and it brought about an emotional response that she could not have prepared for. Olivia's empathy was compounded with the sorrowful belief that she alone had authorized something that led to a man being permanently disfigured. The tears came back into her eyes from the depths of her soul and slowly dripped from her black lashes down her pale cheeks like melted candle wax. Alex never allowed herself to cry, especially in the presence of others, and had been resisting the urge all day, but she could not cease the tears from pouring from her unrestrained. She closed her eyes and tore off her glasses, carelessly throwing them to her desk. She fell into her hands and covered her face, then reached for Olivia with one of her tear streaked hands. Olivia clasped both of her hands around Alex's, and soothed her with a low, calming voice.
Alex got up from her chair to deny herself any feeling of comfort that she started to feel with Olivia and started pacing behind her desk, saying horrible things about herself between her sobs. Olivia gave Alex her space, but argued against every word. She reminded her that she was only doing her job and that she could have never predicted what happened that night. Alex stopped pacing after a while and stood in front of the shelf of law books behind her desk, looking over the titles as if she had been betrayed by her own knowledge, and cursed herself for not researching further to seek out an alternative method that wouldn't have resulted in anyone being harmed.
Alex brushed the last of her tears from her eyes with the back of her hand and leaned back onto her desk, standing next to Olivia, but she did not look at her. She shifted backwards to sit on the edge, still gazing at the books that could not help her. Keeping her eyes on the wall of books, Alex reached her hand down to Olivia and pulled her up from the chair to sit on the desk with her. Olivia sat next to Alex and looked towards the wall as well, wondering what Alex was thinking about in her trepid silence.
After a long pause, Alex sighed. "You're very good, detective." She said, putting her arm around Olivia's back and shifting closer to lay her head onto her shoulder.
"What do you mean?" Olivia asked, hesitantly wrapping her right arm around Alex's waist, wondering if she was crossing the line with her, but trying not to be too over-analytical.
"You get people to talk and spill their hearts out whether they want to or not. I don't know how you do it and I've even seen you do it countless times back at your precinct." She looked up and caught her eyes and snickered. "Never thought it would work for someone like me, but I stand corrected."
Olivia shifted back and removed her arm from around Alex's waist to look at her directly. "That's not what this was about, Alex. I didn't come here to break you open like some kind of interrogation experiment. I respect your privacy, but I just wanted you to know that I'm your friend. I was worried about you."
"I know." Alex said, angling herself towards Olivia and wrapping her arms around her waist to embrace her. Alex lay her chin on Olivia's shoulder and looked out the windows towards the city. Without her glasses, New York was a blur of white and yellow flickering lights. God, she is so good to me; like no one I've ever known. Why couldn't this work? When Olivia reached around Alex to return the embrace and lightly caress her back, Alex felt another tear form in her eye and she instinctively blinked it back, then turned her face towards Olivia's neck and closed her eyes, having been thoroughly calmed by Olivia's kind and pure heart.
Olivia expected Alex to pull away to deny further emotion from expelling from her, but she didn't. She stayed leaning on her chest with her hands wrapped around her shoulders. Olivia impulsively reached down to run her fingers through a group of the woman's fair locks, pushing them back with tenderness so she could see her face to check on her and see if she was feeling better. Alex looked up and Olivia mistook her glance as an accusation of intrusiveness and withdrew her hand quickly. "That was inappropriate. I'm sorry."
Olivia started to move away from Alex on the desk, but Alex kept her grip on her shoulder and her eyes locked on Olivia's. "It wasn't inappropriate, Liv." She said, taking Olivia's hand up to her lips and kissing her knuckles. She released her hand and reached up to Olivia's cheek and closed her eyes before pulling her into a kiss. Olivia couldn't believe or register what was happening as her own eyes involuntarily closed as well. All she knew was that her lips were touching Alex's, tasting the salt from her tears, and when Alex opened her mouth slightly to kiss her again, she felt the soft wet skin of the inside of her lips. It was breathtaking. Olivia moved her hand under Alex's blonde hair and around her neck and kissed her again, opening her mouth ever so slightly to barely taste the tip of Alex's tongue. Closing their lips around one another, they prolonged their contact and held each other gently. When they parted, Olivia opened her eyes slowly, completely lost. She caught Alex's eyes, which were now softer and kinder than she'd ever seen them. "Thank you." Alex whispered, settling her cheek back onto Olivia's shoulder and leaning on her.