Chapter 37

They stayed with Jim for a little while longer but it quickly became apparent that the events of the day had taken their toll on Ella and she needed rest so Bones decided they would go back to his cabin for the night. She gripped his hand as they walked through the corridors, the night shift meant there was considerably less people around and Bones was thankful for this, after their run in with Frank they both looked worse for wear and Ella was practically sleep-walking.

Her hair had found its way back up into a messy bun atop her head but strands fell down around her face, more and more by the second and Bones wondered why she didn't just take it down but he didn't want to break her silence, not yet. She clung to his hand but he wasn't entirely sure that she was aware that he was on the other end of it, he suspected that for her, his hand was just a support, a means of staying upright until she could get through the next emotional barrier. It was just one more wall, it was one more fight to win and then things could get back to normal; or the best version of normal they could possibly muster.

There was a small box of things in the bottom of Bones' closet that belonged to Ella, it was a collection of clothes and other items that she had left behind when they had unexpectedly broken up and neither of them had wanted to address it in their awkward situation. Now it was all Bones could think about, for some reason that small box made him more anxious than the thought of Ella sleeping next to him that night. Having to face that box and everything it represented was terrifying and he kept thinking to himself that, even though they had seemingly got everything out in the open and understood one another, there was still this tension between them and he didn't know how to break it.

Ella's mind was practically blank, she had a headache coming on and was looking forward to the comfort of a bed where she could actually sleep feeling safe. It would be a luxury, after all this time, to feel safe in her own bed again. It was strange how easily she felt she could just slip back into her relationship with Bones, how she automatically considered his space her space again and the other way around. It had been that way for years, before they had begun seeing one another even, they had always had an easy closeness that felt natural, she just felt like she was meant to be his and he was meant to be hers, there was nothing more to it.

Bones let them into his cabin and made sure the door was steadily locked behind them, he wasn't willing to take any chances if there was a crazy man after them. Ella immediately flopped down on the bed and Bones thought she had fallen asleep instantly but a moment later she sat up again and looked at him. When her eyes met his she opened her mouth to say something and immediately closed it again, Bones almost smiled. He realised that she had only just felt the tension between them, until that point she had felt at ease, had felt like there was nothing wrong. Ella was good at pretending things hadn't happened, she was good at moving on and forgiving and forgetting, but she had finally met her match.

'Oh shit...' she muttered and put her head in her hands, loosening her hair even further. Bones smiled and sat down beside her. 'I don't think I've ever felt awkward around you before in my life...' she mumbled and he laughed.

'This is weird, I think we've still got more to talk about.' Bones said slowly, running his hands slowly over his thighs as he kept thinking back to that little box in the closet.

'Yeah, damn it...' she said as she removed her head from her hands and looked down at the floor, clasping her hands in front of her as she leant her elbows on her knees. She looked at him for a moment before looking away again, embarrassed.

'I just want everything to be over, I just want it to be me and you again and to not have to worry about any more bullshit coming our way.' she said and he smiled.

'I'm not sure we've ever been in a place where we're not in some kind of trouble.' Bones said softly before standing and walking over to the closet, placing his hand on the handle but resting it there. 'I don't think we have a normal, Ella, I think we're always gonna have to deal with stuff like this in one way or another. It's in our nature, it's in our surroundings, who we are and what we do.'

'Then why does it feel different this time?' she asked, slowly standing as well and facing him as he opened the closet at last and retrieved her box. He didn't reply to her question straight away, instead he put down the box on the bed and gestured to it.

'This is why.' he said and they both looked at it, on the top was a photograph of Ella and Bones smiling at one another. A silent tear slid down Ella's cheek as she looked at the photograph and then back up at Bones.

'Because I left stuff here?' she asked in a small voice and he shook his head, unable to meet her eye.

'Because of what we were before you left. Our normal was there, we were getting into the swing of things and then you left it hanging, that's why things are weird now.' he said and Ella's eyes sparkled with anger for a moment as she prepared to defend herself.

'You know why I did what I did, why I had to...' she began but her voice was choked off with tears which she fought to control and Bones looked at her with pain in his eyes.

'I know... I know why you did it and I forgive you because I know that you just wanted to protect me but Ella, how can I trust you if you can't give me all the facts?' he asked slowly and Ella sat down on the bed again, not trusting her legs. 'It's okay, you don't have to say anything, just listen...' Bones said quickly as he hurried around the bed to her and knelt down in front of her, taking her hands in his own and holding them tightly.

'I don't think I'm saying this right, what I mean to say is that I do trust you, completely and utterly, because I know you and I know that you did this for the right reasons; but that doesn't mean that I can slip back into how things were so easily. I am not proposing we spend any more time apart, in fact quite the opposite. I want to spend all of my time with you, as much as possible, because I'm tired of us being apart and I know that I'll always forgive you, I'll always love you. Ella, if this whole ordeal has taught me anything it's that I want to spend the rest of my life with you...' Bones trailed off and thought for a moment as a realisation hit him, everything that they had been building up to was in this moment, it was up to him to take the opportunity. He looked at their position and smiled to himself, Ella was looking at him with a confused expression.

'Ellarosa Kirk, I think I'm asking you to marry me...' he said quietly and her expression instantly melted from confusion to shock and he heard her catch her breath. Ever since they had met the memory of Bones' ex-wife had hung over them and poisoned their every movement throughout their relationship as it progressed. They had never discussed the idea of marriage, they had never thought about it much other than in a life or death scenario when things were put into perspective. Ella had always thought Bones was afraid of marrying again, she was a little daunted by the prospect of it herself but did she want this, or was it just the heat of the moment?

Ella couldn't bring herself to answer for a few moments, she could barely bring herself to think as she tried to properly grasp the situation but as she looked at him she couldn't help but think of the threat which still loomed over them. She didn't want them to rush from one extreme to the other, she wanted their relationship to be natural, the way it should be. She sniffed back her tears and forced herself to think clearly, she sorted out the muddle of her head and collected her emotions together, putting them in a metaphorical bag and placing that bag well out of sight for now.

She then slowly slid from the bed and knelt down beside Bones, not letting go of his hands but he felt the shift in her demeanour and his face fell a little.

'Bones, one day, I will marry you,' she promised him and moved closer to him, only letting go of his hands so she could take his face in her hands. 'I absolutely promise you that I will marry you, but not now and not like this. I don't want to feel like our love should be spurred on by fear, I want us to get married when we're comfortable; when, for once, it doesn't feel like the universe is throwing a hurdle at us. I don't think I'm being clear, let me try and explain. I love you, and I do want to marry you, I never want to be apart from you again if I can help it; but, I want us to be able to prove to ourselves, to each other, to everyone who cares to listen, that we're overcoming the obstacles because we love one another, not because we're obligated to. In short, I just don't think it's the right time.' she paused for breath and he looked a little crestfallen but he seemed to understand.

'I think that we've been through a lot today and we need to take a step back and look at this again when we're not both caught up in the heat of the moment.' Ella smiled softly and Bones couldn't help but be a little disappointed, she hoped she hadn't put him off ever asking her again.

'Say something, please...' she requested, growing more and more concerned that she'd only succeeded in putting another dent in their relationship. He paused for another second and then sighed and nodded before leaning his forehead against hers, the simple gesture gave Ella the reassurance she needed that they were going to be alright.

'You're right, you're always right.' he confirmed and pulled her to his chest to hold her tightly, she gave into him without question.

'I'm glad you're not mad at me.' she mumbled into his chest and he responded with a slight laugh.

'I don't think there's much point being mad at you, right now. I'd rather just enjoy the time we have with one another before the next storm hits.' he replied softly.

They sat in their slightly awkward embrace for a long time before they somehow migrated back onto the bed where they settled down quickly. They fell asleep in one another's arms for the first time in a long time and it felt right. When they awoke easily the next morning with the sound of Bones' alarm their eyes opened easily and it made them smile to see one another there again, like an affirmation that it wasn't just a dream, they had really reconciled.

For a brief moment in the calm of their artificial morning, all thoughts of threat disappeared and they forgot about the man stalking throughout the ship with the intention of disrupting their happiness. They forgot about everything except for the pure bliss of waking up next to one another because nothing else mattered; they had everything they needed from one another right there. For those peaceful few minutes neither of them spoke a word, they just lay and smiled at one another, once again sinking into the familiarity of being around one another. It was like nothing had happened, no time had passed apart, they were safe.

Duty called though, and they were forced to leave one another's arms for the harsh reality on board the ship. Once they were showered and back in their Starfleet uniforms some of their comfort around one another dissipated and they were able to remember the appropriate way to act around one another as colleagues.

Romance on board a ship wasn't prohibited, in fact it was expected, but there was a certain way to act around one another that was allowed. They could be in love and be professional at the same time and they prided themselves in that.

Their first project of the day was another meeting with Jim and some heads of security to try and flush out Andrew. Ella gave a decent account of what Andrew looked like and what he was like to them all again and once again it seemed to give her a degree of discomfort so Bones held out his hand to her in support, a gesture she greatly appreciated.

After the meeting was over Ella needed a few minutes to separate herself again and bring herself back into a working persona so she took some time to sit in the commissary and look out a window into the rush of stars that passed. Bones gave her a few minutes alone before he came and sat beside her, she felt his presence but didn't feel the need to acknowledge it.

'There's stuff you're not saying.' Bones commented quietly. 'I'm not saying you have to tell me, but it might make things easier for you if you get it all out.' he suggested and her expression didn't change as she looked out of the window. They sat in silence for another couple of minutes before Ella took a deep breath and turned to smile at him.

'Do you remember the night we met?' she asked and he laughed.

'I'm not sure I can ever forget that, even though I was drunk.' he replied, blushing a little at the memory.

'That night I was with Andrew before I went out, he invited over this other chick and tried to make me have a threesome with her and him. I didn't want to and he threatened me, coaxed me, the whole shebang, and I knew that he was gonna sleep with her anyway and I knew it wasn't the first time he had slept with her either and I was so tired of it. I went to leave and he grabbed my arm, he pushed me right up against the wall and I didn't know what he was going to do, so I hit him right in the nose. He cried like a baby but I didn't stick around to let him hit me back, I got out and called Nyota, I decided I needed to get black-out drunk to just try and forget. I intended to go back to him, I always did, he would put the charm back on the next day and make me feel sorry for him. Then I met you. I don't know what it was about you but you were kind and you didn't expect anything from me and part of me fell for you right then and there. Even if I never saw you again I knew I would be a little bit in love with you for the rest of my life. That memory, me and you together in that smoky, crowded bar would be one of the best memories of my whole life. And that was the tipping point for me, knowing that there were decent guys out there who didn't always want something from me, knowing that I could do better. Once again Leonard McCoy you saved my life, it was the first time of many.'

Bones listened in silence, just letting her talk without commenting. He had never known the extent of her relationship with this man even when he had known it hadn't been good. He knew that Ella's ex was dangerous but he had never known the full extent of it all. He wondered if she had ever even told anyone this much, as she spoke he got the impression like she was getting it all off her chest for the first time and he allowed himself a small amount of pride in her and a small amount of feeling honoured that he was the first person she was entrusting this story to.

'Anyway, so I left him pretty quickly after that and sorted my life out. I put him out of my mind and tried to forget about that dark part of my life. I wanted it to be over so badly that I did everything I could to move on; and now he's come back into my life and he's trying to act like he has some claim on me or something and I can't help feeling like there's nothing I can do - nothing at all. I'm scared of him, Bones. I'm scared because I know that he will do anything to hurt people, to hurt those I love especially. He's got this weird obsession with me, and if he can't have me then he'll make sure that nobody can.' she told him and when she was finished she was shaking slightly and her face was pale. Bones wrapped his arms around her and kissed her forehead in a way that he hoped was comforting.

'Hey, hey it's okay...' he reassured her and she felt like she ought to cry but she couldn't will any more tears to come so she sat there and leant against his chest, closing her eyes and allowing herself to be infiltrated by his warmth.

'We've got something that he hasn't.' Bones told her and she detached herself from him enough to look into his face.

'What?' she asked and he smiled.

'Each other.' he said and she couldn't help but laugh and punch him playfully in the arm as punishment.

'Alright there Mr. Cheese.' she laughed and allowed him to pull her back to his chest.

'Okay I'm sorry that was a cheap one.' he apologised and they sat in a comfortable silence for a few seconds, readjusting to one another's scents and enjoying one another's arms.

'In all seriousness though...' he began and Ella closed her eyes and held him tighter, she had missed him so much. 'I think maybe we should talk about protection.' he said and she fought back another giggle as her mind went in a completely different direction, she was becoming more like herself with every passing second in his company.

'The security will be fine but I'd feel much more comfortable if you were close by, I want to be able to protect you.' he told her and she detached herself from him again and rested her hands on his shoulders, pretending to brush off some imaginary lint.

'If I recall correctly I had to whoop some ass to save you.' she told him and he smiled a little before looking at her seriously.

'You won't marry me, and that's fine!' he said quickly as her face dropped slightly as she worried that he was going to express his disappointment at her rejection of his marriage proposal. 'But will you at least move in with me?' he asked and she was momentarily taken aback; moving in with Bones permanently wasn't something that had really crossed her mind under the present circumstances.

She tried to say something in response but her mouth opened and closed without producing any sound, much to her disappointment, so Bones decided it was safer that he just continue.

'There are special cabins set aside for couples who want to move in together, all we have to do is put in a request and I'm sure it'll be approved. If you think I'm jumping the gun a little again then please say so but I'm being serious when I say that I think this is the best option for us right now.' he explained carefully and she allowed her eyes to wander and rest in a soft focus in the middle distance as her brain tried to process her shock.

She thought it over, again and again, almost like she was trying to find a flaw in the plan but the reality of it was she liked the idea. She brought her attention back to him as he was waiting anxiously for her answer and she smiled but Bones had already begun his next entreaty.

'We're going to be on this ship for the next five years minimum and I am tired of us dithering about in our relationship. I'm tired of us pretending that we're not going to end up in the same place we've always known we were going to end up. It makes sense for us to move in together, if we don't then we're just delaying the inevitable.' he said and she put a finger up to his lips to shush him.

'Firstly, your breath smells terrible in the morning and I've never told you because I've been too scared to hurt your feelings.' she told him and he couldn't suppress his laugh.

'But this is the kind of thing I need to be honest about, if we're going to live together.' she concluded softly.

'So that's a yes?' Bones asked and she nodded, taking his hands in her own.

'It's a yes.' she confirmed quietly and they smiled at one another for a few more moments before she leaned up to him and kissed him softly.