Ch.37

Alex's POV

I get through the day feeling much better. I even get to take a break from working with Maria to call Casey. She doesn't seem all that convinced I'm going home early, but I can't blame her. I've promised it a million times since I started working here and never once have I followed through, but tonight is the night I get home at a normal time and see my beautiful girlfriend.

At 6 o'clock I collect my stuff and leave.

"wait Cabot."

Oh my gosh she knows my name.

"yes?" I turn around.

She looks terrified.

"ha- have a good night."

I smile and walk away.

I'm free.

When I get back into Manhattan I go and pick up flowers to surprise Casey. I'm so excited to see her. The elevator is so slow, but once I get to our floor I nearly run to the door.

"Casey." I call out.

She comes out of the kitchen.

"I'm home."

She runs for me and gives me a million kisses before I even get my coat off.

The evening was perfect. Just how things should be. We ate the wonderful dinner Casey made, and then cuddled up on the couch. I feel much better now that everything at work is squared away.

I don't have to leave until 8, but I still end up waking up early. Casey's still asleep on me. I just watch her sleep.

I start wondering what our future will be like. If she'd want to get married. Would she want kids? And a house? It's so easy to picture my future with Casey. Almost as if it's suppose to happen. I can see us growing old and being happy forever. Even if she didn't want a big wedding or kids or even a dog I'd still be happy, because I'm happy when Casey's happy.

I'm stuck in thought for a while until she starts waking up. She makes cute little squeaky groans. She's so adorable when she wakes up I can't help but smile. She tries to move, but I'm holding her. She sits up and looks at me.

"are you sick, is everything okay?" she asks quickly.

"nope."

"did you wake up late?"

"no."

"I love you and all, but what are you still doing here baby?"

"I don't have to be to work until 9." I smile.

She smiles.

"really?"

"mmhm."

She lays her head back on me and hugs me.

"I love you." she yawns.

We spend a little time in bed together before we have to get up and start getting ready. It was so nice not to have to rush and actually be awake by the time I leave.

Casey gives me a kiss.

"I will be home at 7." I tell her.

"Alex if-"

"no. Things are going to be different now."

"okay." she smiles.

I give her one last kiss.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

After lunch I get a phone call it's from the Manhattan DA's office. I assume it to be Casey.

"hello." I say happily.

"hello Ms. Cabot."

It's not Casey it's McCoy.

"I hope you're not busy." he starts

"no not at all. What can I do for you?" I ask nervously.

What does he want. I'm not working any cases that cross with that office, so why is he calling?

"I called because I want to offer you a chance to come back at the office."

I would love to go back to the office, but I'm with Casey and we can't be together and work together.

"You were my best ADA you worked the toughest unit in my opinion and you did it well-"

"sir with all do respect I have to decline." I tell him.

"when was the last time you saw the inside of a courtroom Alexandra?"

That is none of his business.

I stay silent.

"just think about it and call me if you'd like to reconsider."

I hang up the phone.

Why would McCoy want me back. Casey is perfectly capable of handling SVU cases alone. She's done it without me before. These past few weeks she seems to be doing okay. Well come to think of it we haven't really talked about work much. I don't ask her because I was always sure she'd ask about my work and before when I was maria's bitch I hated even thinking about work, so I avoided the subject as much as possible.

She didn't seem like her usual Casey happy, but I thought maybe it was because I was working late and pretty much blowing her off everyday. Wouldn't she at least want to confide in me if work was too difficult? Maybe she didn't want to bother me.

Damn it Alex why didn't you ask her. You were so absorbed in your own pity party that you didn't even think about what was going on in Casey's life at work. What is wrong with you? She is there everyday working the hardest most emotionally draining unit, and all you could focus on was puffy pink Maria. She has to deal with Olivia all by herself, and you never once asked her if everything was going okay. You just up and left her there thinking it was the best. What if she's miserable with all the work and Olivia? Remember how horrible it was before she came. Cleaning up the detective's messes everyday, seeing Olivia. Only it's worse for her because now Olivia's dishing out crap to her. Why didn't I ask? She probably thinks I don't even care. I do care a lot though. I care a lot about how Casey is. I'm only happy if Casey's happy. Damn it why didn't I ask! Isn't that just natural to ask your sweet caring girlfriend how her day at work was. How she is. I care about her happiness so much I didn't even ask if she was happy.

When I get home she's there sitting on the couch with a smile.

"hey baby." she smiles.

I give her a kiss.

There's paper work on the coffee table. No. Casey never brings work home.

"what's all this?" I ask trying to not act like I'm having a panic attack.

"just some paper work I wanted to get out of the way. Which I did so now I'm all yours." she kisses my neck.

I pull her away.

"how was your day?" I ask her.

"good because I got to wake up to you." she goes to kiss me again but I stop her.

"is everything okay at work?"

"yeah. Why is work okay for you?" she asks.

"yeah now it is."

I don't know if I should tell her about the phone call from McCoy.

"alright what's up?" she asked.

"nothing."

"Alex I know when something's up with you."

"how?"

"I can read your mind now what's going on?"

"McCoy called me today. He wanted me to come back to the office."

"if- if I tell you something do you promise not to be mad?"

"oh Casey you didn't." I move away from her.

She told McCoy to call me.

"why would you do that? You know I can't go back."

"I did it for you Alex. You were so unhappy, and that girl on the phone- I didn't know what else to do."

"you can't just go doing that Casey. That's my job."

"you did it."

"it's different Casey. I told McCoy to reassign me not you. If work is so difficult you should've come to me first so we could figure something else out."

I'm pretty pissed she didn't come talk to me.

"I didn't know how to tell you that I didn't like you being there."

"what do you mean you don't like me being there. I come home early now and I leave later. I told you it's different."

"I didn't like that girl Maria. I don't like you working with people who treat you like crap Alex."

"they don't."

"really then why have I been spending the past month waiting until 10, 11 o'clock for you to come home only for you to be gone when I wake up. You're never here Alex and I don't like it. You're not happy with it I can tell. I want you to be happy. I was trying to help you."

"it's not your place."

"oh but it's your place when you go and talk to Olivia, or move offices. You never even talked to me about switching offices Alex."

"because you left."

"even after that. I told you I didn't like it and all you could say was that it had to be this way. You didn't even try to talk to McCoy."

"there's rules Casey. The rules say we can work together, or be together. Either or, but not both. You know that Casey. I'm sorry I can't change that. I wish I could but I'm not Wonder Woman, I can't magically make everything to your liking. Even though I try it's not possible. I would love to be able to work with there and be with you, but I can't. So what do I do I bust my ass everyday over there so I can be with you. I chose you and your happiness."

She's crying.

"I'm not happy though Alex. I'm not happy with you being there and never being around. I miss you Alex. You kept saying "I'll be home early promise" and you never even kept that promise not once. Not until yesterday Alex. You say it's different now, but how do I know tomorrow you won't have to work late, or go in early. I'm tired of waiting for you, and guessing when you're going to come home, or I'm going to get to do something with you other than sleep. I hate not seeing you because I love you so much and I want to spend time with you like we use to because I liked it Alex. It's hard without you. It's hard to work and deal with cases and Olivia by myself. So no everything isn't okay because you aren't here. You're never here anymore."

"I'm here now. What do you want me to do Casey? What can I do to make it better?"

"nothing." she gets up and goes to our room slamming the door.

I can't understand why she'd go and do that without talking to me first. I get that she's upset because I've been working. I'm upset about it too, but I can't go back. If we ever got caught by McCoy we'd both lose our jobs, and I'm not letting her lose something she worked hard for. I did this so we could be together and be happy. Why is it keeping us from each other. We see each other less than if she had chose her job and broke up with me. I miss her, but I don't know how I can make it better. I don't like her being unhappy and I want to make her happy. I'll do anything to make Casey happy, and I don't know what I can do. I don't know what she wants me to do to make it better for her. There's no winning. I can't work with her and be with her. She hates me working in the Bronx and I hate it too. I hate being away from her. I hate breaking promises. I hate letting her down. I never want to let her down like this again.