A/N: Sorry about taking so long, but I needed a couple of weeks off. Hopefully, from now on the updates will become more regular again.
Once more thanks to Kwills341 for an amazing job.
After a few more minutes of lazy contemplation, I leave Cosima stretching herself out across my bed with a pleasant groan and a smile on her lips. I stumble into the bathroom and start the shower, the notion of being late finally sinking in. When I'm finished, Cosima's already waiting with sleepy eyes, and without a word, enters as soon as I'm clear. I chuckle quietly and shake my head; my mind swirling with the thought that she feels comfortable enough to assume such liberties without restraint. As I move through the house, putting the sheets in the wash and trying to return some order, I can't help but reflect that this would have unnerved me with previous relationships. For whatever reason, Cosima's presence has not stoked my natural predisposition to be territorial. In fact, the opposite seems to have occurred. I find solace in it; in having her moving about with casual ease; in hearing her hum a song in the shower, where she is no doubt using my body wash judging by the scent that floats through the air. That feeling only intensifies when I return to use the mirror and a smile graces my lips as I walk in on her using my eyeliner.
"I have a question." I say, turning to watch her in the mirror.
She stops for a moment to look at me. "Shoot!"
I dash to the bedroom and return with her glasses in hand. "How can you see what you're doing without these?" I ask, placing her glasses on my nose.
"Years of experience." She answers as she chuckles and shifts to stand in front of me. "You look very cute with those on." Her voice takes on a teasing note.
I arch a brow and turn to face the mirror. "You think so?" I ask, squinting to try to see through her glasses.
She laughs again. "Yes, really." She rises to the tip of her toes and removes the glasses before she gives me a small kiss.
As she pulls away, I follow to pull her in for a deeper kiss, my hands searching the soft skin at her lower back beneath her shirt. I feel her body pressing closer as she pushes me against the vanity with a muffled groan, and against my every instinct, my hands move to her hips to push her back, hearing frustration in response.
"We're late." I say, giving her one last soft kiss and reluctantly move away from her, reaching for hairbrush. "Missing lab is one thing. Missing my meeting with Dr. Ford is quite another."
"Do you know what you're gonna say?" Cosima asks, her attention divided between me and what she's doing.
"It really depends on what she says." I answer, eyeing her carefully. "If she agrees with you, that I'm ready to work alone, then I can't really deny it, can I?"
She shrugs slightly. "I guess not."
And that's all Cosima says. She doesn't try to dissuade me from accepting the eventual offer, but she doesn't encourage it either. It leaves me not really sure of what she wants, but I can't dwell on it. This should be my decision. Not hers or anyone else's. In fact, I'm sure that I've made up mind: if Dr. Ford believes I'm prepared to work on my own, I'll accept it. There's no other option, even if it means giving up the time with Cosima in the lab. I'll...we'll?...have figure out how to handle it.
We walk side-by-side towards the campus, exchanging few words, our hands occasionally brushing. Cosima seems to be a little lost inside her own mind, perhaps also thinking about what this will mean for her. I wonder if she's thinking that this will mean that we'll stop seeing each other all together, like she initially intended. I wonder if that will please her; that in spite of what's happened between us, it's what she still wants. Or if her desire to stay away from me has changed; if she's now regretting putting me - us? - in this position.
But mostly I wonder if it would actually be enough for us to stop seeing each other, is that really all that's keeping us close. If Dr. Ford confirms Cosima's request, will it really mean that all our ties are severed? I want to think otherwise, but as I examine our history, I realize that we don't have the best of track record. It never took much for us to decide to stay away, either in a moment of unbearable frustration or in a burst of anger.
Whether that has changed in the few hours we spent discovering each other's bodies and rediscovering our mutual attraction is yet to be seen. But the fact that our irreversible decisions never lasted long gives me hope that, no matter what, we will find our way to each other.
Cosima opens the door to the lab, and if either of us thought we would get away with our absence, that thought disappears the moment we enter. We come face to face with Dr. Ford looking anything but pleased...her stare capable of drilling holes; her jaw muscles twitching in anger.
"Where have you two been?" She asks no one in particular.
Cosima and I look at each other and if my expression is anything like hers, the guilt is written all over our faces. I look away from her and swallowing thickly, try to muster something resembling an excuse, but nothing comes out. Cosima, next to me, also answers with nothing but silence. Dr. Ford waits for some sort of explanation, her arms crossed over her chest and her expression only getting more serious. When she realizes that neither of us will provide her with an answer, Dr. Ford uncrosses her arms.
"Don't tell me that Cosima's proneness to being late has rubbed off on you?" She asks me.
Next to me, Cosima stifles a laugh and I resist the urge to punch her on the arm. Despite that, it's Cosima who attempts a believable answer. "We were discussing our projects and lost track of time."
The suspicious look the professor offers proves that she's not buying it. "Grab your notes Delphine!" She then says, clearly not in mood to waste any more time, as she moves quickly towards the door.
I fumble to grab my notes, Cosima mouthing a sorry, as she gives me a gentle squeeze on the elbow while I pass by her, the notebook secure in my hand. I discreetly shake my head in a sign for her not to worry. I join Dr. Ford at the door, but she looks back and raises her brow in Cosima's direction.
"What are you waiting for?" She says, not bothering to hide her annoyance. "Don't you think I have waited long enough already?"
The brunette's confused gaze travels between me and the older woman's before she quickly joins us.
The three of us are silent during the short walk to Dr. Ford's office. Once there, Cosima and I sit next to each other, while she shuffles through my notes. When the professor's not looking, we exchange wary looks, neither of us understanding what this means.
"Cosima could learn how to keep records from you." Dr. Ford says, closing my notes and placing them on the table in front of me.
"Different methods." I say low, feeling Cosima's stare on me.
"Cosima has no method." Dr. Ford says flatly. "And that's concerning. She has ideas, yes, but she fails when it comes to the practical application."
I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. While I have no idea how Cosima works, I don't think it's right to discuss it when she's sitting next to me. Cosima herself remains quiet, but I hear her breathing fastening.
"Your ideas are not particularly innovating, but you're much more a hands-on approach kind of person." Dr. Ford continues, her stare falling on me this time around. "So you see… I have a problem."
"Just because my first attempt has failed, it doesn't mean that I can't do it." Cosima defends herself after taking a deep breath. "How many people can say that their first trial was successful?"
The professor places her right index finger on her chin, like she's thinking carefully about what Cosima said. "While I don't disagree with you, in order for me to believe that you can accomplish what you proposed in our first meeting, I still think that it's essential for you to show up regularly." She says with resolve, and I get the feeling that this is not the first time Cosima's absences have been an issue. "When you fail to go to the lab several days straight… Well, that concerns me."
I sense Cosima flinch at the words and I'm compelled to intervene. "Today was really my fault, we just started to talk and…"
A movement of Dr. Ford's hands stops me. "Please, Delphine! Even if I did believe that you were talking, this is not new. Cosima's presence in the lab has been erratic, at best.
"Now, I don't like to be overly controlling of the students under my care. To me, for someone to be successful they should want it more than I want it for them." She clasps her hands together, Cosima and I keeping our mouths shut. "But I don't feel comfortable seeing someone sabotage their own career while I stand idly by."
Dr. Ford stops then, her eyes fixed on Cosima, perhaps expecting some sort of reaction for her. I risk a glance at Cosima, she has her head down, spinning one of the rings in her fingers, and realize the professor's words have achieved their purpose. In a weird turn of events, Cosima is the one hearing a lecture and I'm left feeling like the voyeur in a moment of weakness.
I don't know how Cosima felt the few times she was in the position I am now, but it's hard to stay here and hear this without saying a word of comfort. However, I know nothing that will make this easier for her. In fact, my saying anything at all could possibly make this situation worse for her. So I sit, silent, and like Dr. Ford, wait for Cosima to say something.
She remains silent; staring at her hands.
Dr. Ford sighs. "Give me the key!" She says, extending her hand.
Cosima's expression is a mix of confusion and fear as she fumbles in her bag for the keycard. I notice her shoulders sinking as she slides the card across towards the professor. Dr. Ford doesn't pick up the key. Instead, she slides the card until it rests in front of me, next to my notebook.
"So, here's what we're going to do." She continues, reclining in the chair. "Delphine will not be alone in the lab, but she'll be the one in charge."
My eyes move from the key to the woman sitting in front of us. From all the scenarios I've played in my head of how this meeting would go, this particular one was definitely not among them. I don't even have the courage to look at Cosima, fully aware that she's won't be satisfied with this new arrangement. "I really don't think..."
"Oh, but you will!" Dr. Ford cuts me off. "I expect you to be a little more responsible than your predecessor." There's a hint of weird amusement dancing in her eyes. "Also, I will be assuming the role of your advisor."
"But Dr. Coleman..." I start.
"I'll take care of lovely Dr. Coleman!" And now I know I'm not wrong when I register a dark pleasure in her words. "He might have had his way the first time, but I've been waiting for a good reason to give it another try."
When we are far enough from Dr. Ford's office for me to breath freely again, I finally allow my eyes to go to Cosima. She's hardly spoken since the professor dropped her bomb and hasn't said a word since we left the office.
"I think Dr. Ford was a tyrant in a previous life." I try to lighten the mood, but her eyes don't meet mine.
We continue to the lab, where we don't waste time checking our work. Cosima's silence is starting to get on my nerves, but I respond the same way. Something tells me that she's not ready for a conversation, so I let her process the recent revelations.
I finish before she does and wait, leaning against my workstation, arms crossed. Nibbling my lower lip, I watch her work, her eyes steady on what she's doing, hands flying over the table, apparently focused in her work. However, the feeling that Cosima is more upset about this than she's letting on never leaves my mind.
After a few more minutes I see her putting her project in the fridge and I gather my things. Walking towards the door, I wait for her to join me, which she does, but avoids my stare and doesn't wait for me to close the door before she starts to move in the exit's direction.
I struggle to keep up with her and when we're close to the building's main door, I softly grab a hold of her wrist. "Are you alright?" I ask when she doesn't pull her hand away.
She spins on the balls of her feet and finally meets my gaze. "I'm really happy for you." Cosima says flatly and tries to free her arm.
I frown and swallow the sudden irritation bubbling in my chest. "Oh no, you don't!" I let her arm go, but move in front of her. "You will not blame this on me! No matter what you say, I'm not at fault here."
Closing her eyes briefly, Cosima takes a deep breath. "I know that. I'm just upset." She says and restarts to walk, but slower this time.
I follow her outside and realize how late it is; the sun is setting and the air already smelling of night. "Good, because I think I've already paid my dues and then some." I say casually.
She turns around abruptly, her dreadlocks whipping her checks, to stand in front of me, her eyes sparkling. "Are we keeping a tally here? Is that how's it gonna be?"
I breathe out in frustration and pass the hand over my hair. "God no, Cosima! I just meant…"
"I know what you meant. Don't fucking patronize me!"
"I'm not fucking patronizing you, but… merde!" I almost shout in my exasperation. "We're doing it again, aren't we?"
Cosima looks at me with surprise and when she realizes what I'm talking about, her expression softens and gives a little chuckle. "I don't suppose it would be a good solution if we just kiss and make up, would it?"
She's giving me one of her cocky grins again, but I hardly notice it; my full attention fixed on the parking lot. "I think that would be a terrible idea, actually." I say, my eyes going back to her just in time to see her smile fade.
"That bad?" She asks confused.
"Your girlfriend is here." I point my chin in Kate's direction, trying but failing to not sound too bitter.
"Fuck!" She mumbles under her breath and turns her head around.
After a guarded wave, she looks at me again and bewilderment flashes in her eyes before she lowers her head.
I fight the instinct to cradle her face and make her look at me; just a chance to at least try to read what's going inside that head of hers. "You should go." I say instead, in an unstable voice.
"I can call you later." Cosima offers with dubious conviction, a lopsided grin that doesn't reach her eyes, as if she's suggesting some sort of compromise.
"I'll see you tomorrow." I say and walk away before my heart convinces my body to do something that I might regret later.