A/N: First of all; thank you so much for all the kind messages! It is overwhelming to read all of them. Thank you so much. Fortunately, I feel better. My wrist is still in a cast, but it doesn't hurt anymore. The headache is still here, some days worse than others, so every day is a bit of a gamble. My husband and parents are helping me a lot with the kids, and I still don't go to work, so I can take plenty of rest. It takes a while to edit chapters when I can only use one hand, and I still can't look at screens longer than a few minutes a day, but I really wanted to post this chapter. It is a thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I can't promise you when I'll post again, but I'm trying to do it as much as possible. Thank you all for your patience and I hope you enjoy this one! Much love xx Milou.
Chapter 37: Outburst with pleasure.
"Do we need to talk about everything that happened?" She asks me while we walk into my house, Bobby happily greeting us while his tail excitedly swings from left to right. We've just talked to her parents and I honestly just want to have a drink. A strong drink.
I had imagined that this talk would go completely different. I expected that Ana was just as mad as me. As mad as she was yesterday when I told her about what her parents did yet she seemed to understand it today. I have a feeling that she already forgave them which I just can't wrap my head around.
The anger I've felt towards Ray Steele for ten years came out times ten when I saw him again, although rage is a better way to describe what I felt. He completely justified his behavior because he did it out of love. Like love was the answer that would make it all okay. I believe that a part of him did that, but another part of him wanted to keep me out and he was afraid to tell us the reason today. It is almost like he wants to keep her to himself.
I understand that Ana is in between all this. And I respect her choice if she really is going to forgive them this easily because they helped her through everything for the past ten years, but I can't do the same. I have missed too much of her. Ten years of lost time that I will never get back. Every time I look at her, I am reminded of that.
"I don't know what I can say." It is my honest answer. I don't know it. I know we will only end up in a discussion if we'll talk about it now, and I refuse to make the first weekend we spent together a negative one.
She sighs and takes a seat on one of the barstools, Bobby sitting on the ground next to her while I grab myself a whiskey. "I have a feeling that you don't really understand where my parents are coming from."
"I don't. Not by long shot."
"Do you want to tell me why?"
I look at her, stunned by her question. Does she really need me to tell her why? Isn't it obvious?
"Well, where do I start? Maybe with the fact that your daddy doesn't seem to think he did anything wrong?" I look at her, her eyes shoot up in surprise when she hears my tone. "No? Not that? Okay, what about how he treated me just now? Like I was a fucking wolf that is after his precious daughter. Or maybe it was the fact that he never even told you I came looking for you because he thought that you'd moved on while you obviously hadn't. He doesn't even fucking know you, Ana. He would've seen it that you missed me otherwise. He still thinks you are that sixteen-year-old girl that needs her daddy, and he likes it that way because he wants to be the most important man in your life and he can't stand it that I'm coming pretty close now to take his place."
By the end I'm done talking, I'm out of breath. This goes deep and I seem to get angrier the more I think about it.
Ana is looking at me while she thinks over everything I just said. She can't tell me that she hasn't thought about all of this. It is so obvious.
"Do you even realize what you are saying right now?" She looks puzzled and confused. "Why would they deliberately keep you away from me and purposely make me unhappy? That just doesn't make sense."
"The fuck I know. I just know that I am not on your dad's favorite person list and he seems very convinced that you will never let him down. I bet that is the reason he is acting like this. He knows he can get away with it. You practically told him you forgive him, just like that." I really need that whiskey.
"So it is my fault now?" Now she is offensive, hands on her hips and all. Fucking great.
"I'm not saying that. He just seems very confident in this whole thing and I don't like that. He didn't even fucking apologize, Ana, while he really owes me one for lying to me. He told me that you'd moved on." My hands grab my hair, pulling it hard to prevent me from hitting something. "I'm not that eighteen-year-old guy anymore, Ana. Back then I maybe wanted to fight for his respect, but I'm not doing that now. I'm not going to make sure I show him how much I love you to win him over. I've done that enough. I flew to fucking Savannah with my heart in my hands after I'd spend weeks searching for you, and he just ignored it. I'm done. He'll just have to accept that you are with me now and that I'm never letting you go again."
I take a shot of my whiskey and enjoy the burn it leaves behind, hoping it will get me at ease a bit. Unfortunately, it only leaves me tenser.
"But Christian, why would-"
"And what the fuck is up with that boy this, boy that of him? Your boy over there he said. Like what the fuck?" I interrupt, the anger still fighting to come out. "He really doesn't have any respect for me or for what we have been through, Ana." My breathing is heavy and my heart is almost hammering out of my chest. I force myself to grip the counter to prevent me from throwing my whiskey against the wall. "And then he has the nerve to start about our daughter as if I would completely understand him when we have her while he is the fucking reason we don't have kids already."
Ana is looking at me with wide, wet eyes, her hands wrapped around her belly. I can tell she is intimidated by my anger and that she doesn't know how to respond to it. She is just staring at me, trying to find the right words to say to me even though I think she knows that nothing will be good right now.
I drown the last of my alcohol before throwing the glass into the sink, making Ana jump and Bobby bark. I need to blow off steam, and I need to do it now. I can't think straight, let alone talk.
"I'm going for a run." I walk to my bedroom to change, hoping that Ana catches on that I need to clear my head, but no such luck. She is right behind me with Bobby on her heels. Fuck sakes, the dog already feels the need to protect her and he doesn't even know her. She seriously has some power over men, human or not.
"So you are leaving me here, alone?" She is standing at the door of my room, watching me as I change into shorts and a loose tank top. Her eyes darken slightly while she looks at my body, but that could also be the annoyance.
I grab my running shoes out of the closet and take a seat on my bed. "It is better if I'll go out for a while."
"And you'll leave me here?"
"Fuck, Ana. What do you want? Do you want me to let out all my frustration by yelling at you about how much of an asshole I think your father is? I'm going because I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling right now. I have never been this angry." I pull the laces of my shoes so hard, I think the blood stops flowing, but I don't give a fuck.
"If that will make you feel better, then yes. Let it out on me. Tell me what you think about him, yell and scream. I don't care. I don't want you to leave me now, I feel like you are running away from me, and I've just found you."
When I have tied my shoes, I look up at her and for a moment I see the girl that left me behind in Italy. Her eyes are red and her cheeks are wet with tears, even though I can't hear her cry. Her hands are folded in front of her chest and she looks small, sad and vulnerable.
I walk over to her, stopping when I'm standing right in front of her. Only now I realize how tiny she is next to me. I hate to see her like this.
"I'm not running away from you. I'll be back in fifteen. Just give me fifteen minutes, please?" I let my hand run over her left cheek before my thumb goes over her full, red lips. They're so soft and I if I wasn't this angry, I would just kiss her and forget about everything.
She nods her head, her eyes staring at something invisible on the floor.
"Come on, Bobby," I say before walking past Ana out of the bedroom.
"Can Bobby stay with me?" Her soft voice is shy and it makes my anger disappear just a little bit. The fact that she wants my dog to stay with her warms my heart.
I nod my head and give her a small smile to let her know that my anger isn't aimed at her. "I'll be back soon," I tell her before making my way to the front door, already picking up speed.
Twenty minutes later I return, sweat pouring down my back and completely out of breath but surprisingly enough much calmer than before I left. The anger is still there, but the run did help me with calming down.
When I walk into my living room, I find Ana on my couch with Bobby lying in front of her on the floor. She has turned on the TV which plays the news, but she doesn't look interested at all. She is staring out the windows, looking at the trees. She has the remote in her hand and her foot is softly moving over Bobby's back. This right here is what I should've seen the past few years when I came home.
"Hi," I mumble softly, not really sure what to say. I don't know what her mood is now since I went away while she asked me not to go.
He head shoots up and her eyes find mine. They aren't as red anymore and it looks like she has stopped crying as well.
"Hi," a small smile appears on her face. "Have you calmed down?"
"I have. Sorry that I went out, but I just needed to blow off some steam." I take place next to her on the couch, making sure I'm not too close since I'm covered in sweat.
"I'm just happy you came back." She looks sad but she does sit a little closer to me. "I hate that everything goes like this. We've just got back together and there is already drama involved."
I know how she feels. When I was running, I was thinking about how I just saw her again yesterday. We haven't had the time to properly catch up, outside of the things that needed to be said. I want to know every little thing there is to know about her. The bullshit, the small things that make her smile, and yet we have only talked about the past. Not to mention I almost lost control and attacked her dad.
"I know, I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault." She sits even closer to me and moves so her arms are wrapped around my neck. She doesn't seem to mind the fact that I'm smelling out the room. I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her on my lap, as close to me as possible.
"I have thought about what you said, and I understand you. I really do. It is just that I also understand why my dad did what he did. Not the part where he didn't tell me that you came for me, but the part that it was something that I had to fight myself." She mumbles in my neck, her hands moving over my back reassuringly, up and down. It calms me.
"In the end, everything went like this because I slit my wrist. If I hadn't done that-"
"Stop. Stop right there, Ana. I don't want you to think like that. This is not your fault, at all. You were sick and you needed help. And I am fucking proud of you for getting that help, for agreeing to go to Kirkland. That was so brave, baby." My hands are on her cheeks, forcing her to look at me.
"But if I wouldn't have let it go that far, I would've been there when you came looking for me. Dad didn't have to lie to you then." She mumbles, thankfully not looking away from me.
"He didn't have to lie in the first place, Ana. He could've told me what happened to you. He could've told me that you needed time to get better, without distraction. I would've happily given you that time if it meant that I could see you after. Fuck, I would've been happy if he just had told you that I was there, that I looked for you. It is not your fault, baby. I hate to say it, but this really is on your dad."
I really try not to let my emotions get the upper hand but feel the anger build all over again.
"I know, I know," Ana replies, obviously sensing the tension that is building. "I just don't want to be in the position where I have to choose between the two of you."
"I would never ask you to choose," I reassure her.
I might hate him for what he did, but I'm not crazy. I know that he is a decent man. I'm sure he helped Ana throughout those ten years and that he worked his ass off to give her everything. And most important; Ana loves him. I would never ask her to choose.
"I'll talk to him again, and I promise to be more critical." She buries her face in my neck again, seeking comfort I think. We sit like that for minutes, her on my lap, Bobby at our feet.
"I really need a shower," I hate to break apart, but I'm seriously getting cold.
Ana climbs off my lab so I can get to the bathroom. As I stand, I can feel her eyes on me and when I look at her again, I see that her lip is trapped in between her teeth. She wants to say something, I can instantly tell, but she is either nervous or shy. It is fucking cute.
"What is it, Ana?" I smirk after looking at her for a few seconds. She didn't even notice I was looking at her, so when she hears my question her eyes shoot up to mine, a delicious blush covering her face.
"Nothing." Again the lip-biting. I can't remember if she did it in Italy, but it makes my dick hard as fuck.
"Try again."
She takes a breath before standing from the couch and walking towards me. When she is standing right in front of me, her hands move to my chest.
"I just... maybe..." She starts, her cheeks getting even redder. "I was just thinking that I might need to shower as well."
So fucking cute.
"Oh, right. Well, you can go first then." I decide to tease her a little bit, just because finally I can.
"Christian," she giggles while rolling her eyes. Before I know what is happening, she jumps in my arms, monkey style. "I mean that I want to take a shower while you are in the shower as well." Her lips move against my neck, her face hidden in the crook.
I know why she wants to. She wants to know if we are okay, it is why I want her close as well. After a morning like this, I just want to make her forget about everything around us. I want it to be me and her, nobody else.
"I know," I chuckle while pulling her hair back so I can kiss her lips. She responds with enthusiasm, her fingers sliding into my hair as I walk us to the bathroom.
When we are in the bathroom, I let her go so I can turn on the shower. I wait for the water to be at a good temperature before turning around and finding Ana completely naked. She is obviously not wasting any time.
"Eager to get clean, baby?" I'm instantly hard when I look at her body. She looks gorgeous. Her curves are still as sexy as ten years ago and I'm honestly surprised by the control I'm able to contain right now. It is like time stood still.
"I am, and I want you naked as well." She is blushing, but there isn't any hint of embarrassment. It makes me realize how much she did change. The Ana from Italy would never be this comfortable with saying what she thinks or standing in front of me just like this.
"Remember when I told you that you could shower with me when I saw your mobile home in Italy? You almost had a heart attack, and look at you now."
A smile forms her lips while she walks over to me. When she reaches me, her hands go to the hem of my tank top to pull it off.
"That was because I only knew you for a few hours and I had no idea how to handle attention from boys." She smirks. "Now lose the shoes."
"Demanding little thing." I chuckle while doing as she says. "Does this mean that you know how to handle attention from boys now?"
I know it is selfish, but I hope that she didn't get any attention from other men in those ten years, even though the rational part of me knows that that is not the case. She is stunning and I am not the only one who sees that.
"Hardly, but there is something about you that makes me brave. Just like when I was sixteen." Her hands move to my shorts next and she pulls them and my boxers down at the same time. Her lip trapped in between her teeth and her eyes cast down, looking at my body.
She is gorgeous. So sensual and sexy, and completely honest and at ease with me.
"I love you."
It is the only thing I can say right now. I love her, probably even more than I thought the past years. It scares the shit out of me that even after so many years, my feelings for her haven't changed.
Her blue, glimmering eyes find mine, smiling up at me while her hands move to my chest and push me back into the shower.
"I love you," she whispers before my back hits the wall and her lips crash on mine.
I guess she'll make me a little dirtier before we get clean.