Chapter 35
I'm Afraid that I'm Not Sure Of
Daisy paced back and forth across Skye's bedroom, nibbling on the edge of one thumb nail. She stopped at the window and peered out at the snow covered landscape. Several kids about Skye's age walked in the road pulling sleds or carrying those saucer kind of things. They teasingly pushed each other and tossed poorly made snowballs. One kid stopped and waved up at her. Daisy waved back although she doubted even Skye would know who it was. The kid was bundled so that only his…or her…eyes were the only thing that showed. She watched until the kids disappeared past the copse of pines at the edge of the property then let out a frustrated breath and let the curtain drop back across the window.
Slowly walking back across the room, Skye ran her finger across the spines of books on the book shelf that stood between the large daisies on the wall across from Skye's bed. Four Harry Potter books, A Series of Unfortunate Events, a couple joke books, all the usual kid books lined up in a neat row. Daisy smiled at her little self's taste in literature. She looked at the desk, the box of colored pencils, a few broken crayons, paper and a Lisa Frank notebook…the fuzzy kind. Yep, Skye was just a normal kid.
Daisy mused for a moment about her real ten year old self. By that time she'd been picked up for shoplifting twice, first time it was a Snicker's bar and that old bastard, Mr. Leonard, called the police while he wrenched her wrist so tightly it was bruised for a week. Nobody really cared. The policeman that came to the little drugstore snapped handcuffs on her and sat her in the back of his cruiser. He gave her what he thought was a good scare. 'Huh', she thought, the guy never met Sr. Daniel. The second time she pinched a bracelet from a secondhand store. It was just crummy costume jewelry, but the owner's sister was a cop and she just happened to be in the shop that day…watching the suspicious, grimy little girl who just seemed to touch everything. She didn't even really steal the dumb thing. She was trying on all the sparkly bangles and looking at all the other baubles that were glittering like diamonds to a kid that had pretty much nothing. So she forgot to take it off when she walked out the door. The officer had her by the collar before her foot hit the sidewalk then dragged her to the station and read her the riot act and threw her in a holding cell. Hell, she didn't want the bracelet that stupid thing and she would have just given it back. But that holier than thou policewoman looked at her like she was some good for nothing piece of…well, like she was worthless and little Mary Sue believed it. Daisy let out a breath as she rubbed her still smarting backside and remembered the walloping Sr. Daniel gave her after she picked her up and marched her back to St. Agnes.
By that time Daisy, or Mary Sue, had exhausted her fourth foster home, there'd be one more before they gave up on her all together. This time she decided she'd make it easy for everyone and with her over the top behavior was back at the orphanage in seventy two hours. It was a record, she was sure. Usually she spent two or three months, at least, but it always ended the same. Daisy shrugged her shoulders, it didn't matter now…it was a long time ago…over and done with before she knew the truth. All that bouncing around was to protect her from the monster that found her anyway and then ended up saving her from an even worse monster. She let out another fluttery breath and shook off the depressing memories they weren't helping anything and making her forced confinement even more difficult to bare. She grinned instead at a framed photo of Skye smiling between May and Coulson, probably on some fun family outing or vacation. She knew if she stood there and looked at the picture long enough somewhere in the entwined mind of her little self and her true self she'd remember when and where it was taken.
Instead, she looked at the small clock on the desk. Dear sweet lord, she'd only been suffering through this incarceration for twenty minutes…twenty flipping minutes. This was so much worse than all the times she was banished to the Cage, even when she put herself there. What the heck was the kid supposed to do for a whole day…alone in this room…with no phone…no internet…no social media. How the hell did kids survive back then? She walked to the bed and let herself fall face first into the mattress with her legs hanging limp over the edge and her stocking feet crumpled into the carpet. This was definitely some circle of kid hell.
For a few seconds she was tempted to send a thought to Skye, to call her back just to have someone to talk…er, think…to for the next few hours. Hours, yes hours because she just had breakfast twenty minutes ago and it was…was, dear god in heaven, hours until lunch. Maybe if she kept her nose smashed against the duvet the carbon dioxide or lack of fresh oxygen would cause her to pass out…she could just sleep the mindless hours away.
She'd convinced Fitz to let her stay until the six hour limit was reached for May and Coulson who'd followed her into the program a little more than two hours after she did. Damn, she'd cursed herself to this…this gawd awful punishment. What the hell was Skye thinking, anyway? Defying Melinda? Hell, mouthing off to May in any universe was a death wish! The kid needed her head examined. When she got back to her, they were going to have a very long discussion and despite the fact she'd probably feel it she might just kick the kid's ass. She breathed into the mattress and felt it grow hot with her exhale.
The stinging smack that fell across her bottom had her bolt upright in a split second. "What the hell?!" She squeaked as she rubbed both hands across the spot and glared at Phil who now stood a foot in front of her. She swallowed hard and shifted from foot to foot. "Heck…heck…what the heck?" She corrected herself and took a half step backward.
Skye's father…well actually Coulson in Skye's father glared down at her with his fists planted on his hips. "I think you were right the first time." He barked in a tone she recognized immediately. She was pretty darn sure this was going to be that uncomfortable conversation the director had promised her a few years back. "What the hell were you thinking coming back here alone? Do you know the blood, sweat and tears May and I went through to get you out of here and then suffer through whatever the hell virus grabbed a hold of you in the process?"
Daisy stood staring up at the man, her mouth hanging open. "Coulson?" she whispered.
"Daisy, you've pulled some idiotic stunts over the years but this one…this one…" He pointed a finger at the floor then looked away and shook his head. "I have never condoned your mother's use of corporal punishment but right now…"
Before she could figure out if it were Coulson or Phil who disagreed with May or Melinda, he grabbed Daisy's wrist, sat on the edge of the bed and pulled her to his lap. He raised his hand above her backside and hesitated.
"No…no, Coulson, no please, don't…" Daisy squirmed valiantly and looked over her shoulder at him. "Think for a minute, think with Skye's dad's memory…her mother…she already…Coulson, you just can't." She squeezed her eyes shut and braced herself as his hand began to fall, but never made contact. She felt it thump against the mattress a second before he stood her in front of him and held her shoulders gently.
For a second he just looked into her eyes then spoke quietly in a voice that cut right through her heart. "Why, Daisy?"
Oh that was a million times worse that getting her ass paddled. She was in tears in a flash and had her arms around him a millisecond later letting out a relieved sigh as his arms surrounded her. They stayed that way for a few minutes before she sat next to him with her head on his shoulder.
"It was the only way I could get you both to come back here." She sniffed as she scrubbed the side of her hand under her nose.
Coulson pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and held it against her nose until she blew a few times. He folded it then wiped a lone tear and stuffed it back where it had been. He smiled and she smiled back, weakly. "I guess May really gave you something to remember." He almost laughed.
Daisy wrinkled her brow. "I could do without this memory." She mumbled. "And it was Melinda, not May." She thought for a second. "I think that's a good thing…May probably would have been a lot worse."
Coulson chuckled as he hugged her gently and gave a small nod, "serves you right for telling her no and defying her right to her face." He remarked as he raised one eyebrow in a silly May impression.
Daisy's brows went almost to her hairline as she poked her finger into her chest. "Me? I hope I'd never be that stupid, but I guess Skye-me was desperate. Anyway, mom was trying to take my laptop…er, I mean Skye's laptop. Damn, this is confusing." Daisy bounced one foot against the bed and explained then wondered how all of a sudden she had full recollection of last night's disaster. Apparently, Skye's memories were catching up to hers. Maybe the paddling had something to do with it, maybe she'd blocked that memory. She'd do her best to keep it that way. She looked down at her little kid hands and picked at the chewed thumbnail. "Do you think she'll forgive me?" She asked a little above a whisper.
Coulson pulled her closer and wrapped both arms around her. "She already has, angel." He kissed the top of her head and felt the rigidness leave her body in a relieved sigh. He held her for a moment then kissed her again. "So, you needed both of us here?" He felt her nod against his chest and waited for an explanation that didn't come. "For old time's sake?" He jested. Again the only response was the shaking of her head, so he waited. "I think you need to tell me what's going on Daisy." She shrugged her shoulders and he shook his head. "With words…" he warned.
Daisy shifted and looked up at him. "I wanted…n-needed to help." She offered realizing how young she now sounded.
"Help?" Coulson was clearly confused.
Daisy nodded again and continued. "Help…you know, with your headaches…help you…help you see how to fix them."
Coulson laughed but realized since he'd arrived in the program his head had been clear, without the slightest twinge of pain. "And my being here…or our being here helps?"
"Well, yeah, both of you…" She looked back down at her fingers, not sure how to continue. "Cuz you're not afraid here," she whispered softly.
"Afraid?" Coulson bent down to look into her eyes. "What are we afraid of there and not here?" he was clearly confused.
"Each other," Daisy answered as if he should have known, looking deep into his eyes and hoping he'd see the sincerity there. "You guys are so afraid of each other out there and you won't tell May how much you care about her and she just pretends you're just friends and the whole thing is cracking your brain in half." Her voice started to take on a pleading tone. She blinked rapidly to contain the tears and once again dropped her gaze to her lap.
Coulson looked down at the little girl who housed his adult daughter's spirit. Now it was his turn to be speechless. She took a deep breath but did not look up at him. "Why would you think that, Daisy? Where did you g…," Coulson smiled to himself and dropped his head for a second. "Simmons," he muttered.
Daisy looked up at him. "Don't be mad at Jemma. This was my idea. She told me about the headache theory thing, but I came up with this." She stared at him for a beat. "I…I see you and May here and you're so…soooo different. You aren't afraid of each other here. You love each other and you're not afraid of it. You're not afraid to say it or show it. When you're here you just…just live it."
"Daisy, wait a minute…" Coulson stopped her. "May has nothing to do with…" he paused remembering how just standing in her presence relieved the pain, how touching her for a brief instant melted it completely, but… "This isn't…this is…we can't just…" he stammered over what he tried to say.
"Why not?" Daisy begged in that little girl voice, so full of innocence. "You love each other, we all know it. Why can't you just tell her? You've loved her forever and you're afraid to just let her know. You don't have to be afraid she won't love you back. I think you know she does. I saw you in the library with that pseudo-May." She finished in almost a whisper.
It never occurred to Coulson that Daisy had been there long enough to witness his passionate kiss with May's LMD. Even now it left a sour taste in his mouth and turned his stomach, boring a twist of pain into his brain for a second before he shook it away. He couldn't bear to answer.
Daisy chewed her bottom lip. "I saw the look on your face when you realized it wasn't her. I saw the hurt…the disappointment." She hung her head and spoke softly, full of remorse. "And…and the horror when I quaked her." She waited for his admonishment then continued when he said nothing. "I saw the tears in your eyes when we put that May thing in the incinerator room. I knew you couldn't throw her in there and watch her burn even if it wasn't really her. I couldn't do it either. I…I love her, too." She spoke quickly. "I have for a long time…even if all this didn't happen, even if Simmons didn't get that report I'd still think she's the best mother I've ever had." She looked up at him and he down at her. He brushed away the tear that ran over her cheek. "I love you too, Coulson…AC. You've always been my dad. You deserve to be happy and so does May, just like you are here…just like we are here." She took a deep breath and let it out. "If you can tell her you love her here, then you can tell her out there."
Coulson smiled at the girl he'd taken into his heart about three seconds after Ward slammed open that van door. A strange thought ran through his mind. His child's first word, 'whad'up?', such an odd thing to think, to remember. Yet he did, he remembered the very fist word she spoke to him. He pulled her closer and held her for a few minutes, just loving her, loving the little girl she could have been, the little girl she was and the young woman she'd become. "Okay, angel eyes, what's the plan?"
XX
May sat at the kitchen table nursing another cup of tea. She longed for access to a gym and found it insane that she and Coulson would share a home anywhere that did not have some sort of workout equipment. Right now she really could use a punching bag although she could not quite understand the source of her anger. Yeah, right now Daisy had her pretty pissed and if her Melinda self hadn't already warmed her little girl's backside she would have definitely taken advantage of the situation and let her own have it. She was livid. What was Daisy thinking? What was she ever thinking? A few hours ago Simmons had given her the last booster and with it a clean bill of health and hopefully a warning. Not that Daisy would heed any warning. She stood and paced from the back door to the stove and then back. Was it possible she was this angry at that little girl…young girl. Damn this place! It twisted your head around that concept then flung it out and back like a damn yo-yo. She paced back to the door and stood staring out at the snow covered deck and driveway beyond, fresh snow…at least six inches on top of what was already on the ground. She blinked at the brightness in the late morning sun and smiled at a memory she'd buried a long time ago.
She and Coulson had been full fledged agents for almost two years. He'd gone on to communications, she excelled in ops and then they'd been partnered on four consecutive missions. This one was simple but in the most gawd awful place on the face of the earth. They were in charge of cleaning up a situation in Oymyakon, Russia, the absolute coldest inhabited place on the planet. There had been reports of a gifted person with scientific knowledge far beyond the current level of technology. Rumors had spread that this person was creating weapons that would seriously shake the balance of power during the Cold War. She and Coulson along with four other agents were tasked with finding the guy and welcoming him into their fold before he was lured to the opposite camp. No one was stupid enough to believe that the opposition wasn't also in the process of convincing the guy to join their faction.
It was the middle of January and the temperature in that god forsaken place was forty below. According to the locals it was a heat wave. May shivered with the memory. The weathered man that served as their guide pointed out that the current snowfall had exceeded seventy inches. Of course that was on top of the one hundred forty inches still left from last year. She wondered if there was anyone alive that had ever seen the actual ground or if dirt even existed in the frozen tundra.
They'd split up the first day into teams of two, heading out in different directions. She and Phil found the guy's lab two brutally frigid days later, basically stumbling around in the wasteland. It wasn't much but it provided warmth and shelter and that was a blessing, however the guy was long gone. They'd called for an extraction team and hunkered down to wait only to experience one of the worst storms the region had seen in decades. It dumped almost three additional feet of snow on the ground in the first two hours. 'Nice,' Melinda thought, 'eighteen inches an hour, we'll be buried before morning. If we can even tell when that is.'
The sky never really brightened in Oymyakon. It went from dirty grey to black and back again, merely shades of gloom. She remembered how much she hated it. The weather kept the extraction away for days and obliterated any means of communication with the outside world. So they cranked up the generator and burned everything burnable in the barren building.
A lot of people believe that Hell is full of molten lava and eternal flames of damnation. Melinda May knew otherwise. There was no fire in Hell, it was an ice covered, grey skied colorless vacuum. But it was there in that circle of Hell that she realized the man who was her partner…the crazy, skinny white guy that drove her insane…Phil Coulson…caused a fire to burn inside her that made her oblivious to the blizzard that raged outside their flimsy refuge.
She wasn't sure what it was. Maybe all those corny jokes he told or the way he just found humor in even the worse of situations. He was such a geek with all his crazy collections and trading cards and that car that he talked about every chance he got but wouldn't let her near it. All the things that should have made her despise the guy just made him seem…endearing? She'd never used that word…ever and here she was in the middle of a frozen no-man's land and it was all she could think about. It had to be the cold, she told herself. Her brain was as frozen as her fingers and toes.
By what she thought was midnight, but could have been midday, the snow was level with the bottom of the windows on the leeway side and over the roof on the windward. If it didn't stop it would cover the place probably suffocating them before they died of hypothermia. They'd tossed chairs, tables, books, and everything they could spare into the dwindling fire hoping it would last until they were found. Phil had taken the sleeping bags they carried and somehow zipped them together making one large sack that they both climbed into, sharing body heat. He'd wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close explaining that their proximity should help keep them warm. She wanted to pull away, but couldn't.
They watched the fire, listened to it crackling and huddled together…each lost in their own thoughts.
"Melinda," he started.
"Don't…" she warned not wanting him to say something that was probably just a result of their situation, something they'd both regret once they got out of this.
"Okay," he smiled. She couldn't see him, wouldn't look, but she knew he was smiling. "I'll just save it till you're ready."
She nodded and hoped he did not feel how fast her heart was beating and believed that her shiver was caused by the cold and not his warm body against hers.
The extraction team arrived the next morning and dug them out. She knew right then and there that she would never love anyone the way she loved Phil Coulson and to this day she'd never, ever gave him the impression she was ready to hear whatever he was going to say. Up until now she hadn't wanted to take that step, to risk their friendship, to explain her years with Andrew were mostly to try to convince herself that she was not in love with Phil Coulson. Andrew knew…he always knew he was second string. The one she settled for because she wouldn't stand between Coulson and his dedication to the job, to the agency.
But now…right now…she'd do anything to turn back the clock and let him have his say only to tell him she felt exactly the same way…always did. She loved him now more than she thought possible but still felt as if their feelings were made of delicate crystal and just speaking them would shatter everything.
They needed to talk…they needed each other…they needed the truth before it was too late for any of it to matter.
XX
"That's it? That's the whole plan?" Phil smiled at the little girl who sat looking up at him with wide brown eyes.
"Uh huh, it's that simple. Don't you get it?" Her eyebrows rose higher with each word.
Phil shook his head, not because he didn't understand, but because he wasn't sure that was all there was to it. He looked back down at Daisy/Skye's frown and tapped her nose. Daisy blinked once then brushed his hand aside. He leaned down and kissed her forehead. "I know you're in there, Daisy." He laid a finger on her hairline and tapped lightly. "But I think you're being influenced by your little girl mind. These kinds of things are seldom easy and never simple. Just telling May how I feel and hoping she feels the same seems like wishful thinking."
Daisy rolled her eyes, threw herself back against the mattress and slapped both hands against her face. She let out a frustrated growl and kicked her stocking feet against the side of the bed rapidly.
Phil started for a moment unsure if his little girl's reaction was another feverish seizure or maybe just a wild temper tantrum. He stopped before he stood when she dropped her hands and feet suddenly and let out a long exasperated breath then looked up at him.
"But it doesn't have to be. Sometimes things can just be simple, so simple maybe you just can't see it and maybe Skye's little kid brain that is stuck in my head can do just that." She let out a fluttery breath over her lips and dropped her arms back to the mattress. She'd been elaborating her statement with both hands.
Phil thought for a moment as he stared down at the look of determination mixed with frustration on Daisy's Skye face. He wanted to laugh at the face where he could see Daisy in Skye's glare or Skye in Daisy's. While he loved making these memories of all he had lost…had chosen to forgo because of his dedication to SHIELD…DAMN it was confusing! It sure as hell was not AIDA's Framework because there he only knew himself as a tenth grade History teacher and had no clue who Director/Agent Coulson was even after Daisy and Simmons convinced him of his true reality. Here he was himself but had all the memories of Phil Coulson, father of Skye Coulson. Skye Coulson, he really liked that. It fit perfectly. She fit perfectly into that little hollow in his heart…his life…his love. No wonder they never found the perfect spot for this terrific kid, they'd never given her to him.
"Coulson? Hey, Coulson?" Daisy tugged at the man's sleeve pulling him away from his reverie. He smiled at the girl who once again sat next to him. "Why can't it just be that simple…just this once?"
He took her hands in his own and let out a breath feeling very silly having to explain life and love to Daisy who seemed to have been around that block on more than one occasion. He didn't even want to think about what her experience might have been before he pulled her out of that van and the vision of finding her doing…well doing what comes naturally with that Miles jerk was one memory he could live without. But there she was staring up at him with those chestnut brown eyes, full of wonder and innocence as her ten year old self.
"Listen, angel," he started, ignoring her grimace and sideways mouth twist. "Lo…life is never simple and these kinds of things are pretty complicated. People can't just blurt out something and expect it will make everything better. In fact, most of the time it just makes it even more complicated and messes up something that was okay to begin with."
Daisy stared at him for a beat and blinked her eyes a few times before responding. "I'm not a kid, Coulson…I just look like one right now." She tugged at his hands. "I'm still me in here and it sounds more like a cop out than an explanation. What the hell are you so afraid of anyway?"
Phil let out a long breath and squeezed her hands once. "I just don't want to lose what I've already got." He answered just above a whisper, then yanked her closer. Bringing her nose to nose, he narrowed his brows. "And as long as you're in that little body, young lady, watch your language or I might just go all daddy figure on you." He looked at her wide eyes for a moment before kissing her forehead quickly and easing her back onto the mattress.
Daisy just looked at him for a beat, weighing the veracity of his threat. She was pretty sure Coulson, Daddy Coulson was more bark than bite but if he barked that bark at Mommy May…well that bite would be coming from a different direction and well, once bitten-twice shy. She wasn't taking any chances so she gave a quick nod and the most contrite look she could muster, (which was great using this little kid face).
They sat in silence for a moment before Daisy dared to continue. "What do you think she's doing right now?" She looked up at him and went on before he could answer. "Down there," she nodded toward the door, "all alone, just thinking…thinking about…about…" The girl searched her mind for something goofy enough to make him feel even a tiny bit guilty. She smiled to herself and piped, "about meeting you for the first time and knowing that she loved you right off the bat."
Coulson cast her a 'what the heck?' look then chuckled to himself knowing what the kid was up to and refused to take the bait. "That, my dear little one, was definitely not how it happened." He shook his head.
"Tell me," she pleaded with puppy dog eyes as she rested her chin on the crook of his arm.
"Cute," he smiled down at her. "This worked for you?" He wagged finger at her.
Daisy shrugged her shoulders and gave a little inside out pout as she sunk her top teeth into her bottom lip and waited, just looking at him. He couldn't take it, not those eyes, not in that little face. Coulson looked away but could not stop seeing her like that. Damn, he would have spoiled her rotten if it hadn't been for May keeping both of them in line. Not that he didn't discipline when it was necessary, he was just a little more lenient than his counter part…sometimes.
He thought back through two lines of Coulson memories, at all the times she pushed him way past the edge and how he'd lost it with her only to regret it immediately when he saw her heart break long before she realized it was anger not rejection. That was all the girl knew before he took her under his wing and even now had a difficult time with the two. He'd done everything in his power to make sure little Skye always knew that difference.
He recalled only one daddy memory when she was about six or seven and he caught her playing with matches she had taken from the living room fireplace. He put out the fire quickly stomping the dry leaves and twigs before they ignited the woodsy area behind the house. She swallowed hard and blinked up at him in the bright autumn sunshine, holding the box of stick matches behind her back. He held out a hand, glaring down at her until she slipped the almost empty carton into it. He asked nothing but took her hand and led her back to the house. It was the only time he raised a hand to her then held her on his lap until she quieted and fell asleep on his chest. It was their secret, one they never shared with Melinda who would have certainly seen to it that their little girl was disciplined again and mommy's method would have been a bit more intense than his.
That little pout, that backward pout was the same look she'd given him that day…nope, it didn't work then, but now he was not so sure. Now he was outnumbered.
"Please, daddy, tell me what really happened." Daisy raised her eyebrows and cuddled closer, wrapping her arms around his.
Phil let out a breath and shook his head. "How do you know I won't tell you the program version and not the real thing?" He teased.
"Cuz, I know you wouldn't lie to me," she replied quickly.
There it was. She got him. Nope, he would not lie to her, not keep secrets or leave out bits and pieces she needed to know. It was an unspoken agreement between them and he would not break it. He looked down at her expectant gaze and extracted his arm from her grip, wrapping it around her as he took a deep breath.
"We had this mission in Russia and it was colder than anyplace I'd ever been to, even Wisconsin winters and they're pretty frigid. We ended up in this old bunker for a few days waiting to be extracted and well one thing led to another. Fuel was running low and we had to share a sleeping bag to keep each other warm."
Daisy giggled and wriggled her eyebrows at him.
"Hey, you're ten," he reminded her, "and we needed the added body heat."
He remembered the last night they spent trying to keep each other from freezing as the last of their burnable items turned to embers in the fireplace. He remembered a lot of things he had no intention of sharing with his ten year old daughter even though she was actually more than twice that age. He remembered Melinda trembling against him and feeling as though he would explode with the need to just tell her that she was so much more than a partner…a friend. She had snuggled against him in search of that heat.
"Well, I just figured you were close to keep each other warm. I've seen all those movies where the people get naked and keep each other from freezing." She replied innocently.
"That does very little to help keep warm, Daisy. Although it is comforting to know you aren't going to freeze to death alone." Coulson corrected her. The girl shrugged and got serious hoping he would continue. "And no one was naked," he added firmly.
"We took turns sleeping," he spoke to her face with a slight smile. "Drifting off could have been deadly. I wanted to tell her then, but I figured it was just the situation and that maybe I wasn't thinking straight. One of the signs of hypothermia is confusion."
"So…did you tell her?" Daisy wriggled closer and waited anxiously for the answer.
Coulson shook his head and the girl went limp with disappointment. "Why the he…heck not? You were right there, together, alone…it was perfect." She whined.
The man let out a huff and slapped a palm on his thigh. "I didn't tell her, Daisy because I didn't think she…"
"Felt the same?" The little girl helped.
He shook his head. "That might have been part of it. I didn't tell her but I was pretty sure it was real for me and if she did feel the same we could be risking everything we'd worked for up till then. The agency allowed for no fraternization among agents." He shook his head and looked away for a moment. "We might have had the same feelings but we would have ended up hating each other for it. If we admitted it one or both of us would be asked to leave, transferred to some other agency. We'd be free to be together but one of us would have lost everything and blamed the other eventually. The extraction team got us out in the morning and we didn't see each other again for almost a year. Apparently someone read more into our reports and debriefings than we thought."
"Maybe they just saw what everyone else sees," Daisy mumbled.
"You know when I was a kid my mom would always tell me that you are always exactly where you're supposed to be and that things happen the way they do for a reason. Sometimes that reason isn't very clear but eventually you can see the why of things." Coulson offered some fatherly sage-ism.
"Yeah, the nuns used to say something like that too," Daisy grimaced. "I'm pretty sure it was St. Teresa of Avila. They used to tell us to trust that you are exactly where you're supposed to be."
Coulson eyed her with an 'I'm impressed' look.
"Hey," she was insulted. "I did listen…sometimes," she laughed. He squeezed her a little.
"I believe she also said 'truth suffers, but it never dies'." Coulson added.
Daisy raised one eyebrow and glared at him. "I thought you were Jewish." She sneered.
"I read," he smiled, "and my mother was Catholic." He winked at her. "I believe the Jewish saying goes something like, 'truth never dies, but lives a wretched life'.
"Sounds like paraphrasing to me," Daisy shrugged. "So now what, you just keep letting the truth suffer and turn into head bombs for you?"
"There is another truth, one that both of us…May and I…see everyday, here and there. Proof positive of…" he stopped as the word stuck in his throat.
"Oh, come on Coulson! You can't even say it out loud." Daisy pushed against him and stood glaring into his face. "How are you going to tell her if you can't even say it to yourself?"
"I don't have to say it Daisy. I'm looking right at it." He smiled.
"What?" She scrunched her face in confused frustration.
"Those few days in Oymyakon…that's when I fell in love with Melinda May." He smiled at Daisy's eye roll. "Almost four years later I felt exactly the same…Paris was not an accident, kiddo. We were both fully aware of what we were doing."
"And then there was you…" May's voice came from the doorway and both Daisy and Coulson spun toward it, neither knowing how long she'd been there or how much she'd heard. She stepped into the room, crossed the floor and sat next to Phil on the edge of the bed. "Out there, where we live and exist we lost you and went out separate ways, trying to…to live with the pain, without each other's support. But here, here there's you and we saw everything that could have been. We never told each other how we felt because we'd have to deal with that as well and it was a memory we both pushed as far away as we could. And then there was you all over again."
"Me," Daisy whispered.
Melinda smiled. "You, baobei…the child we created, the child we lost, the child given back to us even after all this time. We love you more than you can ever imagine and we both know you have quite the imagination."
Daisy shook her head. "You need to love each other like that…like this," she laid her hand on top of theirs joined on Phil's knee. "Like this, out there where it's real," she pointed toward the door and swallowed the crack in her voice. She quickly brushed away the tears that started to slip over her cheeks."
"Ó, bǎobèi, bùyào kū. Wǒmen jiāng yǒngyuǎn ài nǐ."¹ Melinda hushed her child as she brushed away the tears and pulled her into a tight hug. She looked over Daisy's head at Phil…at Coulson. If he wasn't going to take the leap then she'd do it for him, whether she pushed or pulled she intended to say what needed to be said for all their sakes.
Melinda squeezed her sobbing child again and reached for the Kleenex box, pulled two and used them to dab Daisy's face dry and have her blow her nose before crumbling the tissues and nodding toward the waste paper basket across the room. The girl took the hint and left her mother's embrace to do as she was told. When she turned back her parents were standing, hand in hand.
"Daddy and I have to talk for while, baobei and you are still to stay in your room. I told you before and I repeat, I will not change my mind. Last night's behavior was unacceptable and you're jaunt into the program on your own was no better. You and I will discuss that little maneuver, at length, when we return. Understood?"
Daisy swallowed hard and nodded without a word as she watched them exit the room and pull the door closed behind them. For what seemed like a frozen moment in time it was completely silent.
"Woooo Hoooo!" Skye's voice rang as she slid back into control and Daisy found herself back in her own image. "You are in big trouble! Your mommy is super mad at you and you are gonna get it!" The little girl rubbed both hands on her tender backside. "I'm glad you'll be on your side of the…the program? Is that what you call it, like a computer program? Wow! Did Fitz make it? Can he make me one?" She giggled as she bounced her big self.
"Don't be ridiculous," Daisy growled still staring at the closed door.
Skye looked in that direction for a second then back at her adult counterpart. "It's not ridiculous. He made that daisy flower program game thing that I can use to talk to him, and you I hope. Why can't he make me one to jump back and forth like you can?" Skye wrinkled her brow as she spoke.
Daisy looked at the girl and shook her head. She hadn't meant the program, she meant May doling out some kind of punishment on the other side. She wouldn't…that was nonsense. She was an adult. Sure May was livid about her going in alone…so was Coulson but…but…naw, that was just ridiculous.
"I don't think he can do that kid," she answered only half paying attention to the little girl who now stood staring up at her. "I think it only works from that side."
"Oh well, at least we can still chat with that program that does work and when I grow up, I'll just figure out how to make it work from this side." Skye announced as she pulled a stack of paper from her desk drawer and slapped it on top. "Maybe I'll make some pre lemon airy notes or drawings right now. Wanna help?" She looked over her shoulder at Daisy who closed her eyes and shook her head. Hopefully by that time they would be joined completely and she'd be in control as much as possible.
"Sure kid, what else do I have to do for the next…." She looked at the clock and cringed inside, "two hours."
XX
Melinda led Phil down the hall and into their bedroom letting go of his hand just long enough to close and lock the door. He was smiling as she turned and placed both hands on his chest pushing him slowly in reverse until he bumped the bed. She gave him a gentle shove. He sat down, looking up at her.
"Little early in the day for this, Mel." He smiled as he wrapped his arms around her waist.
She reached back and gently unclasped his hands then brought them around and dropped them in his lap. "Don't Mel, me Coulson," she smirked. "We both know exactly who we are and where we are so let's just get to it." She dropped down on the mattress next to him.
He looked at her in semi-shock.
"What? You thought…" she pointed to him and to herself and then back again with a quick glance at the bed behind them.
Coulson snapped his mouth shut and glanced just as quickly, feeling the flush on his cheeks. "No," he squeaked then cleared his throat. "N-no…I…I…just can't get past you wanting to…t-talk."
"Funny," she dead panned then jumped right in. "Tell me what happened with robot me." She finished, folding her arms over her chest. "And don't leave out what happened to the Haig." She actually spoke through her teeth.
Phil took a quick breath and pulled himself together. This was it, the moment of truth, the truth that had survived everything. It was beaten and battered and yeah, it lived a wretched life but it was still there. All he…all the both of them needed to do was reach out and touch it.
"Spill it Coulson," May ordered, "or I will drag that little girl, that we both know is stuffed full of our Daisy, in here and let her tell it all and believe me she will do exactly as I say."
"She wasn't you, May." He breathed, stopping her tirade. He knew this May, his May well enough to see through her mask. She wasn't angry, she was terrified. He flexed his fingers and looked down at the plush carpeting in the Fitzworld Coulson bedroom. "She fooled us all for all that time, but she wasn't you and I didn't realize it until it was too late, almost too late to save you. We lost all that time because I thought…" He stopped and stared at the wall opposite the bed, unable to look her in the eye. She said nothing, just waited knowing he'd go on.
"I thought after all this time…that you felt the same as I did, that we finally were ready to take that step." He shook his head again but still refused to look at her. "You…she brought up the Haig. She knew what I said when I was in that damned ghost dimension, used my own words and I had no reason to think anything else. Daisy was back, Morrow was gone. Mace was…" He paused pushing the memory of the last director's sacrifice out of his mind. "I thought we'd have some time, pfft," he let out a fluttery laugh at himself. "We cracked that bottle…Robo-you and I…and toasted to being right where we needed to be." The irony of that statement was not lost on him as he thought of the discussion he had just had with little Skidaisy.
"Is that all we did?" She accused snidely.
"What?" He looked at her finally, watching as her eyebrows rose to her hairline.
"No…yes, no all we did was finish off the bottle and go to bed…our own beds in our own rooms. The next day all hell broke loose…again." Coulson realized May had no memory of those events. She, the real May had not been there. He took a breath and went on. "That damn demon-bot AIDA got into the base and then into the systems, Mace and Daisy were trying to deal with Nadeer and there wasn't a minute to…" He remembered the time he and Not-May spent locked in that room…all part of AIDA's plan to get her hands on that damn book and he walked right into it. She told him then, suggested that maybe it was time to move forward. He was letting his feelings cloud his judgment the very reason no two agents should ever, under any circumstances let themselves become more than partners. This was more his mess than anyone else's.
"So, business as usual…" May remarked as she waited for him to continue.
"Right," he agreed. "We found out about Mace and his super-soldier serum and then the Koenigs were in trouble. It was all about that damn book. We should have dumped it in the Mariana Trench encased in about two tons of osmium and ended the whole nightmare."
"That's when he got it?" May asked only for clarification.
Coulson nodded. "FitzSimmons discovered the Radcliffe at the base was another LMD, from that they also figured out that…" He looked at her unsure how to put it into words.
"That May was not who you thought." She finished for him.
"Yeah, but not before," he looked away then shook off the inhibition. "Before I kissed it, May, before I made a move and kissed that thing that was not you and as soon as I did, I knew. I knew it wasn't you."
May didn't react, well at least not the way he thought she would if he could even imagine what that might be. She just sat there staring at him as if she hadn't even heard.
"May? May, did you hear what I said. I kissed it. I fell for all the little looks and touches and innuendos because…because it was something I wanted to be true."
"You told me Radcliffe had a way to put memories and feelings from the real person into the LMD, right?" She asked calmly.
Coulson nodded. "If it shot me right then and there…but Daisy…Daisy took care of it and…" He looked down as her hand covered his then looked up at her smiling back.
"It could only have said and done what I believed Phil. It was using my feelings, my thoughts without the real me shutting them down."
His mouth formed a small 'o' as he turned his hand to take hers in his palm. He stared at it there almost laughing at the power in the delicate features that seemed swallowed in his own larger hand. She leaned closer filling in the space between them
"Maybe it's time you tried the real thing," she breathed close to his ear, sending a shiver through him that Robot May never did.
"You do realize neither of us are the real thing, right?" He breathed as he bent to meet her.
"Real enough," she smiled and her breath fell soft on his cheek. She kissed him so lightly he thought maybe he imagined it until she did it again a hair closer to his lips.
Phil slipped his hand behind her head, gently cradling her neck and bringing her to him. He kissed her deeply and she returned the favor. This was real. This was May, his May, his Melinda, his love in both worlds. They took a breath, her forehead resting on the bridge of his nose then kissed a second time even more passionately than the first as he pulled her back and down onto the mattress. She broke contact and relaxed on his shoulder, listening to his quickening heartbeat.
"I wonder," he said breathlessly, "what happens when Fitz pulls us out?"
"Our bodies," she kissed his neck and felt the quiver go through him, "are fully," another kiss as she began unbuttoning his shirt, "clothed."
"Daisy and Skye are right down the hall." He reminded her in a shaky voice as she slid her hand inside his shirt and around his middle as she tugged it from his waist.
May laughed deep in her throat as she moved onto his chest and held her face a breath from his. "We're spies, Phil, we know how to do things quietly." She kissed him again and felt the smile as he rolled her to her side and then under him.
"I love you Melinda May and I have for as long as I can remember." He kissed her jaw, her ear, the hollow of her neck.
"Since Oymyakon," she corrected as he slipped the belt on her robe open and ran his hand against her soft skin. It was her turn to shiver. "I've loved you just as long." She breathed as he slid off his remaining garments and took her in his arms.
XX
Coulson jolted upright as he regained consciousness, startling Simmons as well as Fitz. He glared at them and patted his chest twice before looking down at himself and breathing a sigh of relief as well as disappointment. May blinked twice before opening her own eyes and turning her head to smile at him. She had no need to check, knowing what she would wake to in this reality. She removed the head gear and sat up for a moment before dropping to the floor and walking the short distance to him.
Simmons was doing her usual check of his vitals, flashing that little light in his eyes and pressing on the back of his neck. "No pain at all, sir." She asked for the third time.
"None," he smiled at the young doctor. "I am pain free."
The doctor turned toward May who held up one hand in an 'I am fine' gesture. Simmons gave a curt nod and looked to Daisy who remained blissfully unaware of what was transpiring. The young doctor looked up at the readouts, satisfied that all were normal. She looked to Fitz who tapped a few keys and waited a moment before repeating the action. Coulson and May stepped next to the gurney.
"Why isn't she waking?" May asked, unable to hide the concern in her voice.
"Just give me a few…seconds," Fitz breathed as he tapped another series of keys and the young girl started to stir. He gave Simmons a relieved nod and let out the breath he'd been holding.
She opened her eyes slowly and blinked at the three faces staring down at her. Simmons pulled off the head gear and placed a hand on Daisy's shoulder as she started to rise. "Stay right where you are," she warned in her doctor-no-nonsense voice. Daisy considered ignoring the order until she spotted May with her arms crossed over her chest glaring at her. She swallowed hard and nodded toward the doctor who checked and rechecked every vital before allow the girl to finally sit up.
Daisy threw her legs over the side of the small mattress and smiled at her parents. She could tell just by looking that something had happened. Coulson didn't have that pained look and May had a look she'd never seen on her before. She reached out and gently nudged Coulson's shoulder.
"Hey," Daisy smiled broadly, "you guys are looking great. Seems like all is well."
"Not quite," May spat, punctuating the final sound of each word. "We have a lot to talk about." She narrowed her eyes at the girl.
"Well, don't let us stop you," Daisy grinned and looked to Simmons then back. "Go, go find some nice quiet place to do what you have to do." She winked at the young doctor.
With that May reached out and took Daisy by the wrist bringing her to her feet. "Let's go. We have a few things to discuss about your reckless need to disregard every order. Maybe I need to send a more tangible message, one you won't forget so easily." She tugged the girl forcing her to take a few steps before Daisy dug in and stopped. May looked at the clock. "Oh and look it's still today, as a matter of fact there are about ten hours left in today," she turned and smiled wickedly. "And I believe you have just about that much time left to spend in your room."
"Come on, May," Daisy whined, attempting to pull away from her mother. This was nuts. "I'm not the one who got all uppity in your face and Skye's already serving her time."
"Far as I'm concerned you are one and the same," May huffed. "Wouldn't be fair giving you special treatment now would it?" She tugged Daisy from the spot she'd anchored herself.
The girl turned to Coulson begging his help with a look.
"Made your own bed, kiddo," he shrugged his shoulders holding his arms out at his sides.
"Let's go," May used her most commanding voice and pulled the girl out of the room.
Daisy uttered her protest all the way.
Simmons moved next to the director, arms wrapped around the clipboard she held. She watched the door until she could no longer hear Daisy's complaints. "You don't suppose…" she began without turning toward him.
Coulson shook his head and gave an almost smile. "That's between those two," he jerked his head slightly toward the door. "I'm sure they'll work it out."