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3x04 – Punked

"How do you know when you're in love?"

"All the songs make sense."

The second she says those words he realizes that she's right. Every single song he's heard recently—the ones about love and finding 'the one'—have made sense like they never had before…and he knows it's not because of Gina. Rather, it's because of the woman who just invited herself into his loft, who's now standing in the middle of his foyer, waiting for him to turn around.

As he does, he looks into her eyes and realizes, with startling clarity, that he's in love with her.

Oh God, he's so in love with her.

And that's not good; that's not good because he's dating his ex-wife and she…is she dating anyone right now? He doesn't even know, which is weird because they've been partners again for nearly a month, so you'd think that he would—

"Adam Murphy didn't call Goldstein," she states, suddenly and he blinks at her for a second before catching up and acting as if his mind didn't just wander to his newfound love for her.

"But he confessed," he says, taking off his hat as he walks towards her and then they're building theory again as his affection for her gets put on the backburner as they work on solving this case.

XXX

It's not until after they've caught the real killer that Castle gets to collect his thoughts about his recent—but really, not so recent—revelation.

He's known for a while that he's attracted to Beckett—hell, who wouldn't be—but does that mean it could have grown—without his knowledge and permission—into love? And if it has, well, he's in big trouble.

Because he's almost 100% certain that somebody as extraordinary as Kate Beckett could do a hell of a lot better than him. That doesn't stop him from calling Gina the second they get back to the precinct, though, and telling her that he's sorry, but…but he doesn't think he can be with her again; not when he can't give her his whole heart.

Surprisingly, she's not even mad—at least not obviously. She just reminds him to get in his next few chapters on time and tells him good luck before hanging up. He didn't even have to tell her about his newfound feelings for her to already know.

His heart feels a bit lighter and there's a spring in his step as he makes his way into the bullpen, where Kate is explaining the motive to Captain Montgomery. He joins in right on cue, grinning at Kate as he finishes her sentence—because everybody knows how good they are at that—and they weave the tale effortlessly for him, sharing a smile as they bring it home.

Castle turns to ask Kate if she'd like to go grab dinner or a drink, but before he can so much as open his mouth, the captain is speaking again and pulling their attention to an immobilized Esposito in a wheelchair, wearing a brace and groaning and—

It's a prank, the jackasses. They all share a laugh at it, but the second it's over, Castle turns to Kate, desperate to get her alone before the next interruption.

"Can we talk?" he asks, and she looks up at him wide-eyed with surprise.

"Uh…sure," she says and he beams, leading her into the break room, which is thankfully empty.

He closes the door behind him and thinks twice before locking it, turning back to look at her. Kate, in turn, regards him with a curious—and somewhat wary—expression.

"Are you okay, Castle?" she asks, tilting her head.

"They make sense," he blurts out and her eyes widen at the same time he clamps his mouth shut. That is so not what he meant to say.

"What, exactly, makes sense, Castle?" she asks with a bit of an amused smirk.

"The…the songs," he stammers, unable to stop himself—or, apparently, shut the hell up.

"The songs?" Kate repeats, furrowing her brow. "What so—"

Suddenly, her eyes go wide and heat blooms over her cheeks at the realization of what he's saying breaks through.

"Oh," she says, softly and he swears her shoulders droop a little at that. "So you're in love with Gina again, then…is that worrying to you or something?"

"Gina?" Castle asks, shaking his head. "What? No. Why would I…oh." He's an idiot. He's a moron. His skull is empty, a vacant sign where his mind should be. "No," he says. "Gina and I…we broke up."

Kate's eyes widen at that. "You did?" she asks. "When?"

"Oh, about…fifteen minutes ago, give or take," Castle says, looking at his watch as if to confirm.

"But why? I thought you two were…I thought you were happy."

"I was," Castle said. "Well, I am, but…it was never because of Gina. I mean, it might have been, once, but now…now I have a different reason to be happy—a better reason."

"Which is…?"

"You."

"Me?"

"You," he repeats. "You make me happy." Her face is scarlet now and, frankly, it's adorable. He never thought he'd ever see Kate Beckett blush at all, let alone like this. "For the last two years," he goes on, "I've never been happier than when I'm here, in this precinct, sitting next to you at your desk, or out in the field, chasing down criminals and getting shot at, or getting you coffee, because…because I think you're extraordinary and I know I've made that no secret but I think…I think it might be something else, too." She doesn't respond—he doesn't think she could, from the way she's looking at him, wide-eyed and practically struck dumb—so he continues. "And before when you said that thing about all the songs making sense, I…I realized that that was true for me, just…not about Gina." He takes a deep breath. "I don't know if that was ever actually true for anybody besides you."

Kate seems to snap out of her thoughts then and he sees a flare of anger in her eyes.

"Why are you doing this?" she practically growls. "Why are you doing this right now?"

"Huh?" Castle replies, furrowing his brows. "I'm just telling you—"

"That you love me, I know," Kate says, angrily, "right as I'm starting to get over you. Right as I'm getting over that stupid summer you spent in the Hamptons with your ex when it should have been…no. You do not get to make me feel like this—not again."

"Again?" Castle asks. "What do you mean, 'again'? Kate, when have I ever—" But before he can finish, she's shoving him aside and working on unlocking the door. Castle stands there and watches for a minute as she struggles to undo the lock, before hearing the click and tugging on the handle. Only then does he snap into action, shutting the door with one hand while she struggles to pull it back open.

"Castle, let me out," she growls up at him. "I have a date waiting for me and—"

"A date?" Castle asks, trying to ignore the hurt that flares through him. Of course she has a date—she's a single, attractive (re: hot as hell) woman. But the idea of another man so much as holding her hand, whispering in her ear, kissing her…irks him.

"Yes," she hisses. "A date. With a man who's not going to invite me somewhere—more than once—and just take off with his ex-wife the moment I decide to tell him yes."

"WHAT?" His voice is loud enough that he knows nearly everybody on the floor can hear him, but he doesn't care. "You…you were going to…to say yes? To the Hamptons?"

Kate slumps against the door, giving up trying to get it open. "Yes," she sighs, defeated. "I was…I had…yes, okay?"

"But…Demming?"

"We broke up right before I was going to tell you," she reveals, looking up at him and there's a glitter in her eyes that he hasn't seen in a while, one that breaks his heart and he wastes no time in wrapping his arms around her, not letting go as she struggles for a moment. Eventually, she gives up anyway.

"I'm so sorry," he sighs into her hair. "I…I just thought…I'm so sorry, Kate."

She allows herself to melt into his embrace for a few moments before pulling back to look up at him. His eyes are full of remorse—and no small amount of tears—and she realizes that as much as she'd like to blame it all on him…well, some of the blame does rest on her shoulders as well.

"I said no," Kate says. "More than once…you couldn't have known…"

"Still," Castle says, "it doesn't give me the right to—"

"Yes, it does," Kate replies, firmly. "You are a grown man, Rick; you should not have to wait for me. I'm not worth it."

His hold tightens around her. "Don't say that," he growls, his eyes becoming dark. "You're worth every second, every breath, every near-death experience. I'm the one who's not worth—"

"We're idiots," Kate interrupts. "Both of us are. Ridiculously blaming each other, ourselves…we're idiots."

"I wish I could argue with that," Castle laughs, mirthlessly. They stand there for a few moments, his arms banded around her waist still, her hands resting on his arms, until suddenly her eyes widen.

"Shit, Josh!" she gasps, pulling away from him.

"Who?" Castle asks, backing away so she can open the door. The boys are in the middle of a conversation with some tall, tan pretty boy in a leather jacket, but they all turn to Castle and Kate the second they walk out of the break room.

"There you are," Pretty Boy says, grinning brightly—and beautifully, Castle has to admit—at Kate as she approaches.

"Hey," Kate says, "Josh, what are you doing here?"

"I got your text," Josh replies, walking towards her.

"Oh," Kate says, "about that…I…I don't think we can…" she looks back at Castle, who pretends—badly—that he's not listening and is instead carrying on a conversation with Ryan and Espo—who are also pretending not to listen. Kate sighs, resisting the urge to roll her eyes, and turns back to her…whatever he is. "Josh, I'm sorry," she says, "but I don't think this is going to work."

Pretty Boy Josh lifts one eyebrow at that and his eyes—which are kind of a soft caramel color (he's a writer; he notices these things)—flit straight to Castle, who immediately turns away. "It's the writer, isn't it?" he asks, knowingly.

"No," Kate defends, a little too quickly. "It's me…I just…I don't think we're looking for the same thing right now, ya know?"

Leather Jacket Pretty Boy Josh nods. "I get it," he says. "It's cool. Just…call me, you know, if you ever are."

Kate gives him a small grin. "I'll do that," she promises, reaching out to squeeze his hand. Josh gives her a sad smile, before turning and making his way out.

When she turns around, the boys, Montgomery, and Castle all burst into conversation—as if they'd been talking the entire time—and she rolls her eyes dramatically.

"Anybody up for a drink?" she asks, looking pointedly at Castle, whose eyes widen in return.

"Actually," Ryan says, "I have a date with Jenny, so I'm gonna have to pass on that."

"Ditto," Esposito says. "Gotta date with some chica I met at the bar, so I'm gonna…yeah." Kate's not even looking at him—probably not listening either. Her eyes are for Castle, only. She lifts one brow in question and he grins, nodding in return.

"I could go for a drink," he replies.

"Great," Kate says, genuinely. "Let me just grab my things."

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