*I do not own the rights to the characters, the rights to the characters belongs to E.L James*
Hello all! Sorry for taking so long to post this up. I left the country on vacation a week ago, and the weeks before that I have been swamped with school work. I have actually had time to take a break and get this chapter out. I hope all is well and that you are continuing to enjoy the story. I hope to have the next chapter up ASAP. Until then, read, review, PM and etc.
xA
Chapter 37: Understandings
CPOV
She has been asleep for quite a while now. My initial plans with her were completely destroyed at the hands of Julia Andrews. After that woman hijacked the job interview, everything got completely out of control. Taylor had to drag that woman out of my office kicking and screaming because she refused to leave. I truthfully believe that woman came into that interview with the soul purpose to break Ana down, and looking back at all of the aftermath, she definitely succeed. Ana was a complete mess after she was given more insight into her ex-boyfriends deceptions. Seeing her crying and hurting did strange things to me. The thought of someone hurting her sends me into a place that is darker than the images of my childhood with the crack whore, and that says a lot. After Julia was finally removed from the room, I took Ana into my arms in attempt to comfort her and nothing that I did seemed to work. I tried to do the "hearts and flowers" thing, but all of my attempts failed. The only way that she found peace was by falling asleep, which brings us to the present. The day is now gone, and Ana is resting next to me on my bed while I try and get some work done. When we finally reached Escala I couldn't stomach the thought of leaving Ana down in her apartment to deal with all of the fuckery by herself. Every few minutes I keep looking over at her to see if I will find that her beautiful blue orbs will be staring back at mine, but every time that I look over I find that she is still sleeping.
I know that it is probably selfish, but for some reason her reaction to the news is unsettling. I know that I shouldn't be surprised that a women who broke up with her long term boyfriend still feels the stings of his betrayal, but it is not easy to watch the woman that you care for cry over someone else. No matter how many times that I have tried to deny it, I care for Anastasia in a way that is completely new to me. Not speaking to her for several days was actual hell. The subs that I have had in the past have never had the impact on me that she does. If a sub decided to end a contract with me in past, I wouldn't even bother to convince her otherwise. Yet Anastasia does not talk to me for several days and it felt like my sense of normalcy had been completely disturbed, and for a man who craves control, it drove me nuts. Yet recently, I have found that I crave Ana more than control. I find that I would rather just hear her giggle, then want to control her. If I ever bothered to try I would probably end up failing anyway. And this realization is what made the events of today even more difficult. I planned on taking her to dinner to work through my past digressions to end up back in her favor. I wanted to tell her that for the first time in twenty seven years I have wanted more- and I want it with her, but now I am not so sure if she only wants me. Based off of her reaction today, I think she still loves him and I don't know how I would react if she told me that herself. I don't trust myself not to lose my cool if I lost her to him again. I know she was never really mine to begin with but I am a selfish man, and I want her. But is wanting her enough? Is my fifty shades of fucked up ever going to be enough for her? I know that she has showed me numerous times that she does feel something for me, even if she too is not sure, but I don't want to compete. I am afraid that my form of "competing" will overwhelm her and do more harm that good.I don't want to break her down anymore than he already has. Fuck this is complicated.
I give up on trying to get work done and decide to have a glass of scotch. I shut my laptop before setting it down on the nightstand next to my bed. I look over at Ana again to make sure that she is still sleeping before I get out of bed. As I am walking towards my bedroom door, I hear Ana start to stir. I quickly make my way back towards my bed to see if she is actually starting to wake up. Once I am at her side, my hand automatically finds its way into her her hair.
"Ana?" I whisper lightly. She does not respond to me verbally but she continues to toss and turn slightly. Looking at my watch, I also notice that it is now 6:30. We never did make it for our early reservation, but I highly doubt that she would be open for going out for dinner. It is getting late and the control freak in me desperately wants her to eat.
"Anastasia, it's getting late. You been resting for a while, and I know that you have to be hungry by now. It's time to get up." Slowly she starts to rouse from her sleep. Finally, her beautiful blue eyes find mine. I am almost rendered speechless from this simple action alone. Despite how I have been feeling over the hours, I find that I am always attracted to her.
"Hi." She whispers with her voice still full of sleep.
"Hello. I am glad that you are up. It was really boring while you were asleep." I reply.
"How long have I been asleep?" She asks.
"I would say about three, almost four hours."
"Shit. I have been asleep for a while." She replies calmly before sitting up. Once she is upright, I grab ahold of her legs before sitting down on the bed before placing her feet in my lap. Both of us are sitting quietly while I massage her feet that are resting in my lap. In this current moment, I don't really know what to say or do. I am afraid that if I ask questions, I am not going to like the answers.
"Are you hungry?" I ask sheepishly. What the hell is wrong with you Grey. You are a dominant and you are afraid of making small talk with a woman. Get it together!
"Yeah, starving actually." She replies shyly. I guess neither of us really know what to do in this position.
"Let's go get you something to eat then." I reply before placing her tiny feet back on my mattress to stand up. Once I am up, I offer her a hand. When she too is finally standing, she puts her hand in mine to head towards the kitchen. The two of us are silently walking to the kitchen hand and hand.
"Do you need me to fix us anything?" She asks.
"No, Ms. Jones left some food for us in the refrigerator, I will just heat that up for us if you don't mind."
"That sounds fine." She says while moving to sit on one of the barstools.
I continue my journey towards the kitchen to find what we are going to eat for dinner. I walk further into the kitchen, open the refrigerator to find that has made one of my favorites: Macaroni and Cheese.
"It seems that left Macaroni and Cheese for us. Are you ok with having that? Or so you want something else?"
"No that's fine." She says.
"Would you like something to drink?" I ask while fixing enough food for the two of us.
"Whatever you are having will be fine." She says as I heat up our plates.
"I will be right back" I reply before heading towards the wine cellar. I know that she hasn't had much to eat today so she definitely doesn't need any of the scotch that I was thinking about earlier, but I definitely need something stronger than water, so instead I will go for wine. I grab a bottle of chilled Sancerre from out of the wine cooler and move towards the kitchen. When I finally am back towards the kitchen, I find that Anastasia has already set everything up on the island. Both of our plates are warmed up and set along the island. She has also gathered our silverware and glasses for the wine.
"Seems like you got everything else situated here." I said while getting the wine open. She silently shrugged her shoulders in response before saying.
"Well I figured I should do something to help rather than just sitting here."
"I appreciate it Anastasia." I reply while setting down our glasses before joining her at the table.
"Are you going to call me Anastasia all evening? You know that drives me crazy." She states before grabbing a bite of macaroni.
"I don't know what it is with you and being called by your full name."
"I just don't really like it. It makes me feel like I am getting in trouble when someone addresses me by my full name."
"Alrighty then Miss Steele, I will no longer call you by your full name."
"Ugh, that's even worse." She replies while putting together another bite of mac'n'cheese. I can't help but chuckle lightly at her expense. In return she looks at me, smiling lightly before shaking her head.
"I've missed that." Slips out of my lips before I even have time to gain control over my sudden word vomit. She looks at me with a mild state of confusion before asking.
"Missed what?" She says while tilting her head to the side.
"Your smile." I reply simply.
"I guess life hasn't exactly been on our side recently."
"I suppose you can say that."
"Yeah… this morning I thought that we had enough problems to deal with, but given recent events I think we have a whole new set of problems." She says while finishing her dinner.
"Yes we do. Ana, I never meant to hurt you that night."
"I did not think that you did when you did it but you still did. I know that you are use to being the center of your own universe where you don't have to explain anything to anyone but I need to know what was going through your mind."
"I wasn't in control. You have to understand that I have never entered a non- contractual relationship since I was fifteen. Every woman that I have ever encountered… sexually I mean has always been a means to an end. I never cared about how she felt. I never spent extensive amounts of time with them, or let them into my life outside of the playroom and you are the only one I have ever done that with. The rules, the restraints, everything offers me a sense of control. With you, I don't have guidelines, rules and punishments and it is completely new to me. I quite enjoy what I have with you, I just have a difficult time trying to organize my feelings for you and my need for control."
"I know why you participate in the lifestyle Christian… I just have a hard time understanding where I am suppose to fit into that. I don't want to be just your sub that you see on the weekends when it is convenient for you. You have slowly become a daily part of my life and I just don't know if that is something that I am really willing to give up." So what does she want from me then?
"I am not saying that I want you to do that for me Ana. I am saying… that night I felt out of control. The only way that I thought that I could regain my control was to create some distance between the two of us. I just needed to regain my thoughts. Usually I am not use to explaining that to anyone. It wasn't until later that I realized what I had done and when I did I came right to you."
"I am glad that you were able to work through your issues and that you realized your wrong doings but Christian I don't want you to think it's ok to just walk out on me whenever you feel it's necessary. I felt very cheap and used that night. You probably didn't know that it would make me feel that way, but it did. The entire time I just felt like I had done something wrong, like I wasn't good enough. I have felt that way before and I really don't want to go down that road again." She says while cleaning up the used dishes. I feel like shit. I never wanted to make her feel the way that he does.
"I understand that now. As much as I don't like to admit it, you are one of my only friends. I would never intentionally hurt you." I reply while grabbing her hands to direct her towards my bedroom. Friends? Way to play it safe Grey.
"I know Christian. I forgive you… just please talk to me next time." I pull her towards me, before leaving a chaste kiss at the top of her head.
"Good, do you want to stay here tonight?" I offer.
"Sure, I just want to go downstairs and freshen up. I will come back in a few."
"Are you sure? You can just shower up here and then we can head to bed if you'd like."
"I am sure. I just need to go downstairs and get my things. I have been in these clothes all day and I just want some of my own stuff."
"Ok." I reply sounding defeated. "Just come back when you are ready." I offer before she leaves my apartment. I guess I should take a shower while she is.
APOV
I can't believe all of this maddeness has transpired between the course of a week. It seems like no matter how much I try to distance myself from my old life with Logan, the consequences of his decisions seems to be following me around. I knew that he was unfaithful, I was starting to accept that fact, but today just took me back three steps. I wasn't upset because I want to be with him, that is the farthest thing from true. In all honestly, I was really just in a state of shock. I never expected to have a first hand encounter to the woman who claims to be his wife… WIFE. Hearing her say that she was married to him only after several months of meeting him, just cut open fresh wounds. I no longer want to be with him, but knowing that he did that to me just made me feel so many things.
At first I was shocked to meet the girl that he cheated on me with. Then I was upset to hear that not only did he marry her after only months of knowing each other, but he also married her while he was still in a relationship with me. After hearing that I just felt so inadequate. I just didn't understand how someone can do that to another person. I didn't understand how after giving him what felt like everything, I still didn't seem to be enough. Although those feelings were a tough pill to swallow, the worst thing to fathom was that I now be enough for Christian. I have ran in so many circles about my feelings for him, I have vertigo. I have tried to find every excuse possible not to admit one simple fact: I am in love with him.
I thought that I was in love with Logan but being with Christian has made me feel things that I have never felt before. I am so in love with him that I don't even know what to do with myself. I just want to be around him, talk to him, laugh with him, cuddle with him, and the sex. Lord have mercy that man does things to me that no one else could. But being intimate with him and then being completely disregarded made me feel subconscious. It took me back to a place that I told myself that I would never be again. After talking with him I have a larger understanding about why he did it but it also still doesn't change the way that I felt. Part of me is happy that I didn't do anything that actually turned him away, but the other part of me is disappointed in myself. I feel like after everything, my self esteem issues are starting to rise again, and that scares me. I don't want to be the vulnerable and naive Ana that I was after the who mess with husband number three. I don't want to lose myself to a situation like I have before. Although I have come along way, I know there is still a lot of work to be done. I seem to have confidence in myself in almost all things except when it comes to my relationships, but I don't want to let that control my life. I want to be happy and secure in my happiness in not only myself but also with other people.I know that Christian and I were able to have a better understanding of our issues from the other evening, but we still haven't even touched base on today's set of problems. Keeping that thought in mind, I find myself a simple set of pajamas to wear to head back to Christian's apartment. I know that it we try to skate around the issue, but eventually it will bite us both in the ass. I am also curious about what he thinks of all of this. I never expected today to take a turn like it did. I quickly put on a light pink pajama set and head up to Christian's apartment, determined to work this out.