Author's Notes: Half of this chapter was easy to write but the last half did not want to come together the way I wanted it to. I'm still not 100% happy with it but it's closer to what I was working toward. Hopefully you'll like it.
Disclaimer: The show Flashpoint and its characters were created by Mark Ellis and Stephanie Morgenstern and belong to them and its perspective networks. I am making no money off this story and it is for entertainment purposes only. However, this particular story is my creation and should not be used without my express written permission.
Growing Up Too Fast
Chapter 35
At 7:30 in the morning, Spike carefully balanced his purchases with one hand as he raised the other to knock on the hospital door. He paused as he heard the his friends' voices, sounding as tired and frustrated as he felt.
"Jules, just let me help you okay? It's not a big deal."
"If it's not a big deal, then let me do it myself. I've been tying my own damn shoes since I was two years old. No reason why I can't do it now. Quit hovering."
Spike shook his head with a slight smile on his face. Jules sounded so perfectly Jules's like that he couldn't help but feel reassured. He knocked on the door and received a terse invitation to enter from Sam. Just as he opened the door, Jules let out an angry, frustrated curse and something solid came flying across the room hitting the wall right beside him. He looked down at the tennis shoe that was now lying on the floor then looked back at Jules who looked utterly miserable sitting on the side of the hospital bed.
"That any way to greet someone who comes bearing gifts?" He knelt down and scooped the shoe up in his free hand and carried it to the bed. He set it beside Jules who was eyeing the coffee cups in the holder he carried along with a white bag. His grin widened as she licked her bottom lip in anticipation. "Ma always told me it was rude to visit someone in the hospital without bringing something. A little birdie once told me that you weren't a fan of flowers and I seemed to remember you complaining how they liked to starve people around here by serving breakfast so late, I figured a stop at Timmys would do the trick."
"You are the best." Jules assured him reaching eagerly for one of the insulated cups. She took a grateful sip of the hot coffee, the first real thing she'd been allowed to eat or drink since the Sprite the day before. "Next time we go on patrol together you can have the keys no argument from me."
Spike cocked his eyebrow. The only time she willing let him drive was if they were in the middle of a hot call and she was needed in the passenger seat to handle making calls to gain information. He glanced over at Sam. "Did I seriously hear her correctly? She's willingly letting me drive without a fight and not out of necessity? Did the doctor check her for a concussion?"
"Watch it or the next time the shoe won't hit the wall." Jules warned but it lacked any real threat. It was clear she was enjoying the coffee. From the dark circles under her eyes, it wasn't hard to see why.
The sleep she'd given in to after the long shower had lasted maybe twenty minutes before her nightmares had once more attacked full force. She'd tossed and turned until giving up on sleep completely. Around five thirty she'd insisted on taking another shower, assuring Sam she could handle this one by herself. Sam hadn't protested, knowing from his training that it wouldn't be unusual for her to want to shower quite frequently for at least the next few days. He hadn't protested even when the shower lasted for a full hour and a half. Still, it didn't stop him from sticking a hand in every so often to check the water temperature. Every time she tried to edge the hot water faucet tap up to its highest setting, he'd reached in to nudge it back down to a reasonable level.
After she'd finally turned the water off completely, he was there to hand her a towel to dry off with and a new gown to put on. That's when the arguing had started. She insisted on putting on the clothes that Greg had brought her the night before saying she was going to be released before long anyway, he'd reminded her they didn't know when the doctor would make rounds and decide to sign the discharge papers. To which she replied that if it wasn't soon, she'd sign herself out without or without the doctor's permission. He'd given in to her desire to wear regular cloths but that hadn't ended the arguments. Every attempt he made to help her dress, especially with things like her bra clasp and shoe strings that required the fine motor skills that were still sluggish for her, had been met with snappish comments. He kept reminding himself that her emotions were going to be all over the place and that he couldn't take it personally but it wasn't that easy. He gratefully reached for the second cup of coffee before opening the bag Spike had offered.
Spike nodded toward it. "I got one of those bagel sandwiches Jules likes so much and a sausage biscuit for you."
"Thanks Spike, we appreciate it. What about yourself? You look like you could use the caffeine as much as we do." Sam asked as he pulled out the B.E.L.T sandwich Spike had bought for Jules. He was about to unwrap it for her but stopped himself when she glared at him. Instead he set the still wrapped sandwich on the tray next to the bed and opened his own sandwich instead.
"I polished off mine before I got out of the parking lot. I'm good." Spike didn't look good; in fact he looked like he'd gotten even less sleep than they had which wasn't much at all. "Nat sends her love to both of you. She would have come as well but she's straightening up the apartment. We both figured you might want to stay there for a couple of days instead of going back to Jules's house."
"That sounds great. I was going to call Natalie later and talk to her about it."
"No, I'm going home. My home. I'm not going to hide away."
Both answers came simultaneously. The young couple stared at each other for a couple of minutes. Spike took a step back, not sure if he should be witnessing this. Sam closed his eyes and it looked like he was slowly counting to ten before opening them again. "Jules, nobody said anything about you hiding away. I think we all just thought you might not feel comfortable going back right away. Who could blame you? It's not like we haven't stayed at my place before…"
Jules set the insulated cup down hard enough that some of the coffee inside sloshed out of the top. "I said I'm going home. Why are you giving me such crap about every little thing? Don't you see? That's how he gets his power - by making me too afraid to live my life, making me afraid to be in my own home where I'm supposed to be the safest. Well, I'm not going to let him win. If he thinks he can scare me into changing my routine, then I'll show him. Okay?"
Sam held up his hands in mock surrender. "Fine, if that's what you want, then that's what we'll do."
"It's what I need." Jules softened her tone ever so slightly. "I need for things to go back to normal. I just want to be able to put this all behind me and let things get back to normal. I can't do that if I'm stuck in this hospital room or if I'm missing work because of medical leave or if I'm running away from home like it's a dangerous place to be."
Sam nodded. "Copy that. If you'd like, I can go talk to the nurses at the desk and see if I can't get an ETA on when you'll be released."
Jules forced a smile. "Thanks. I'd like that."
He kissed her forehead and then nodded toward the sandwich on the tray. "But at the risk of being accused of giving you more crap, you should eat that sandwich Spike brought you. I doubt you've eaten anything at all since lunch yesterday and you'll need your strength to get through the interview with SCU. Spike, you okay here for a moment or two?"
Spike nodded; the Sarge had given him permission to be late and he certainly wouldn't fuss if he explained he was needed here. Sam planted another quick kiss on Jules's head before leaving the room. Jules sighed and toyed with the wrapped sandwich. She knew Sam was right although she could have gone all day without the reminder that she still had to give her statement about what happened. She needed to eat and the tasty offering from Timmys was a much better alternative to anything that might be served from the cafeteria. She was hesitant to eat anything however as she was pretty sure her interview with SCU was going to be stressful; reliving everything that had happened was sure to send her racing for the bathroom before it was over. She didn't want to put anything in her stomach that might later come back to haunt her. At the same time though, she knew a refusal to eat at all would just bring about more expressions of concern from Sam.
She sighed and opened the wrapper and broke off a small bite and chewed it woodenly. Spike pulled a chair close to the bed. She brushed away a stray tear. Spike caught sight of the movement and frowned. "You okay? I can't even imagine the hell you're going through with all this."
Jules nodded and glanced almost longingly at the door, ready for Sam to come back even if she did want him to find the doctor. "Sam deserves some sort of medal and I deserve a kick in the ass. All he's done is try to be supportive and caring and as much as I appreciate and love him for it, I just keep giving him shit. I know I shouldn't before I ever say a word but I just can't stop myself."
"Sam can take it; he knows you don't mean it." Spike assured her wearily. After Greg had sent him home, he still hadn't been able to sleep. Instead, he'd laid there next to Natalie wracking him brain for some inspiration that was going to fix everything. Try as he might, he was still no closer to figuring out how to prove Dawson had approached her in the hospital parking lot less the twenty four hours before she was attacked.
"I still don't have to give him such a hard time. It's not like I'm mad at him; how could I be when he's been so attentive to my needs? I don't even want to think about how I would have gotten through the night without him. How much crap can I put on him before it's too much? I'm going to mouth off one time too many and he's going to walk out that door and not come back. It's going to kill me but I wouldn't blame him. Wouldn't be able to blame anyone but myself."
"That's not going to happen and you know it." Spike assured her. "Jules, give yourself a break. You're hurt, scared, frustrated, all those emotions you hate to even have let alone show to anyone. Sam loves you and he's not going to relax until he knows your okay. If that means he takes your crap then he'll do that willingly. He's been doing it sense he first fell head over heels for you."
She looked at him, ready to protest his last statement but couldn't because Spike was telling the truth. She frowned. "Great, so you're saying I'm always a bitch."
Spike chuckled but shook his head. "None of us would call you a bitch, either to your face or behind your back. But let's face it, you've never found it easy to pull your punches either verbally or physically. You call things like you see them whether we want to hear them or not. You're honest to a fault and we love you for it. You also scare the shit out of us at times as well. Why do you think we all draw straws to see who has to face you when we spar, even when it's form over strength? You might start off holding back but as soon as the adrenaline starts pumping you tend to forget it's all just training. I can't tell you how many times you've almost brought me to tears with one of those knees jabbing into my back in a killer kidney shot. We don't complain because we know you don't mean it. Look Jules, we all care about you. We're here for you all the way. If you need to get a little snippy or punch something or just need someone to listen, we'll do whatever you need to be okay."
Jules forced down another bite of the sandwich. She'd seen the pain in Sam's blue eyes several times since he pulled her out of the closet. She knew he was scared for her and as much as she hated the way she was feeling, she hated what it and what she was doing to him as well. Another sideways glance at Spike showed that he wasn't much better. She wouldn't be surprised if the whole team hadn't spent their precious off time investigating the case whether they were officially allowed to or not. She chewed on her bottom lip and looked over at Spike.
"Can I ask you a question?"
Spike nodded. "As long as it's not one of those it's a trap no matter how you answer it questions you girls like to ask us guys. You know the ones like 'does this hospital gown make my butt look fat?' kind of questions."
Jules chuckled and Spike was glad to see her looking more relaxed. "No, nothing like that although you might wish it were. Spike, I don't know if Sam is just trying to keep from upsetting me or if he's spent so much time here taking care of me that he really doesn't know, but he won't tell me anything about the investigation. I can't prove it but I know it was my uncle who attacked me. Is he going to get away with what he did?"
She'd been right; he'd much rather tackle the problem of whether the gown made her look fat. "I won't lie to you Jules. He's claiming to be innocent of everything and has an alibi for the time you were hurt. He even claims you lied about him coming up to you in the hospital parking lot. Ed thought that if we could catch him in one lie it would be easier to expose the rest of them."
"Awesome." Jules wasn't really surprised to hear he was claiming his innocence. Now she understood why Spike looked so tired and guilty. "Let me guess, I picked the one spot in the entire parking lot that the cameras didn't pick up. I guess that's what I get for listening to Dad when he told me to always park near a light."
"Jules, I'm not going to let you down. Somehow I'm going to figure out a way to prove he was there. Then I'm going to poke so many holes in his alibi that it'll look like Swiss cheese."
Jules reached out and ruffled Spike's hair. "Spike, if anyone can do it, I trust you can. But if you can't, that's okay too. We'll figure something else out. You won't let me down. I know you sometimes feel like we expect you to be some sort of magician when it comes to pulling off the impossible with computers. But because I know you, I know you put just as much if not more pressure on yourself. Don't run yourself ragged putting all that pressure on yourself. I want Johnny to pay for what he did but not at the expense of my friends. I'll be okay regardless of whether he goes to jail or not. Sam, you, the rest of the team, my family, you'll all see that I am."
Greg had told him the night before that he wouldn't let Jules down if he didn't figure it out, but it felt completely different and real coming from Jules herself. He felt a little of the burden he'd been feeling since Ed had tasked him with proving the lie lifting. He reached up and took her hand that was ruffling his hair and gave it a gentle squeeze. His eyes met hers and held them steadily. "I promise you Jules, no matter what it takes, he's going to pay for what he did to you."
- FP - FP - FP -
Sam pulled into the driveway and hesitated before turning off the jeep. He looked over at the passenger seat, the barest hint of a soft smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Jules was curled up in the slightly reclined seat, her face slack and almost peaceful. It had been more than obvious as he led her out of the station earlier that she was completely wiped out so it hadn't surprised him that she'd drifted off to sleep before he'd even pulled out of the parking lot.
In his time with SRU, he'd lost count of the number of people he'd encountered at the worst moments of their life. His involvement always ended once the situation had been resolved, whether it be peacefully or not. He'd never given much thought to what happened to the victims in the day or days that followed but a part of him had always assumed that things had to be much better. Now he knew that the day after was almost as bad as the day of.
He'd returned to Jules's room with the doctor in tow. She'd been glad to see them both, thinking that it was going to mean she could leave the hospital. Neither one of them had counted on the fact that the doctor, a hospital internist rather than Dr. Victors himself, would want to examine Jules before releasing her. She'd handled the neuromuscular checks easily enough, following the doctor's commands almost eagerly to show that yes, she had regained full control of her gross motor functions. She'd been a little less eager when it came to checking the fine motor skills, seeming more reluctant to grasp the man's gloved hands. Sam had chalked it up to the fact that her fingers still weren't quite so willing to obey all the commands and that she was worried it would hamper her release. But the doctor had seemed pleased with her progress and hadn't seen any reason to make her stay. Jules had practically leaped off the bed and was halfway to the door without her shoes on when the doctor had stopped her. He wanted to check her injuries before he actually signed the paper work. It had killed Sam to stand at the head of the bed holding her shaking hand as the doctor had gently probed her bites and cuts. It had taken every ounce of self control he possessed not to shove the man out of the room completely the first time Jules jumped at his touch and whimpered as if he was hurting her terribly. But the doctor kept his exam as unobtrusive and quick as he could under the circumstances and soon had signed her discharge papers reminding her to follow up in a couple of weeks with her regular doctor.
The day hadn't ended there however. Knowing they couldn't put off her giving her statement to SCU, he'd driven her to the station. She'd reluctantly admitted that she'd rather give her statement there because she wanted it over with before returning home. Jules had stopped in the lobby, looking almost afraid of crossing to the elevators. Sam's first thought was that she was afraid of accidentally running into Dawson but she'd just shaken her head. Told him that she didn't want to keep things bottled up and hidden like she had before. That she needed him to know every painful memory so he could help her recover. Then she admitted she wasn't sure if she was strong enough to verbalize all the pain and fear over and over again. As a single tear ran a track down her face, Sam had reached out to caress her cheek and said he'd be there to help her whether he knew the full story or not. Promised her that while he wanted to know everything so he could support her but that he'd be content with whatever she felt comfortable giving him. Then she asked if he would stay with her while she gave her statement; that way she'd only have to tell the story one time and be done with it. He'd promised her that wild horses wouldn't drag him away.
Unfortunately wild horses weren't in control of the interview. The two SCU officers who'd shown up at the hospital the night before had greeted them and led them to the witness lounge. Sam had scoffed at the title and the room itself. It was plain and simple an interrogation room that someone had painted soothing colors and decorated with framed peaceful landscape pictures and comfortable leather couches and chairs instead of dark tables and heavy chairs with loops for handcuffs. Paint it, furnish it with fancy furniture, and give it a friendly name, none of those things changed the fact that this was where a victim had to relieve their worst nightmare to be recorded for the world to know. Nothing could make that easier. The female officer started to lead Jules into the interior room but the male officer had blocked Sam's path. He couldn't be in the room with Jules while she gave her statement. Jules had protested, saying she wasn't going to give them anything without Sam. They hadn't relented completely but had allowed Sam to remain in the outer room where he could hear her statement through the two-way mirror.
In a way he was glad to have the barrier between them. She'd told the whole story with a calm unemotional detachment she usually reserved for those really tough debriefings when she didn't want the rest of the team to know just how much a particular call had gotten to her. It was a detachment that had fooled Sam until the first time it happened after they were together as a couple and he'd seen her fall apart after they'd arrived home. She told the whole story, from the moment she'd first felt the effects of the drugs to being carried out of her house on the stretcher, as if it had happened to some random stranger she'd never met instead of being the one personally effected.
While she hadn't shed a tear, twitched a muscle, or in any way given any indication to what she was feeling, every single word had cut him to the core. He was glad she hadn't been able to see the pain he'd felt as she chronicled every vile injustice she suffered. While he'd been relieved and grateful to know in some small way he'd protected her from the very worst of the offenses her assailant had planned for her, he wished he could go back and change things so she hadn't had to suffer so much as an unwanted kiss.
He was sure he'd spend hours if not days going back through the details in his mind, reliving them almost as much as she must be every single second but he was glad to have the information. Now he understood so many things that had puzzled him. Just what about the touch of the medical personnel had unnerved her - if he had his way, he'd make sure latex never touched her beautiful skin again. Now he understood her aversion to the wash cloth. Before her next shower, he'd figure out another alternative - Nat was into all those weird feminine bath accessories, he bet she could recommend something without him having to explain why.
"Sam, have long have we been sitting in the driveway?"
Jules's sleepy voice brought him back to the moment. She blinked back the sleep and stretched a little in her seat. He shook his head. "Not long. I didn't really want to wake you. You looked like you were sleeping much better than you did last night."
"Yeah, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to flake out like that. You're probably tired as well; I know I didn't let you get much sleep last night either." Still she made no move to leave the vehicle. Instead she stared at the front door and Sam didn't miss the flicker of apprehension that crossed her eyes.
"We don't have to go in. I know you don't want to change your life because of what happened but it's okay to not be okay with going back to the place you got hurt, at least not right away. No one will fault you for needing a day or two." He knew he'd have better luck trying to convince a brick wall but he had to try, had to remind her no one would think she was weak if she needed the time.
Jules shook her head. "I would. Sam, after my mom died, after Johnny hurt me, it took me a long time to go back in my house without having a panic attack. Even with all the renovations and changes Dad made, it never felt like a home to me again. I left as soon as I could running from the memories. Just about every place I applied to was an attempt to get me as far away from that house as possible, and once I was gone, I never went back. I'm not going to let that happen this time. I'm afraid if I give in to my fear even for a night or two, this will be the same way. This is my home. The place I've put time and money into; the place where we made love; I don't want to lose all the good just because of one bad event. I'm not stupid; I know it's not going to be easy but I've got to do it. I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone expect maybe myself."
Sam nodded. "Okay, just remember, you aren't alone. I'm right here with you every step of the way. Whatever you need, whenever you need it. If you need me to hold you, I'll glue myself to you. If you need me to give you space then I'll do that as well. If you need to talk, I'm all ears. If you need to not talk, and I promise this time to do a better job on that one."
This time it was Jules who reached out to rub her hand against Sam's cheek, enjoying the feel of the stubble since he hadn't been able to shave since the morning before. Once again she felt guilty for the horrible way she'd treated him that morning. "You've been so sweet and caring and I've been a…"
He put a finger over her lips to silence her. "Don't finish that statement. I won't lie and say you've been a regular little Mary Sunshine today but who can blame you? Like I said, whatever you need from me, I'm here. That includes letting you lash out from time to time. Yeah, it may hurt and frustrate me but I can take it."
Jules nodded. "I know but you shouldn't have to. Just because I'm going through a rough time doesn't give me the right to hurt you. You didn't sign up to be my punching bag. What if I lash out the wrong way and you decide to just walk away and not put up with it anymore?"
Rubbing his thumb against her cheek, Sam shook his head. "I'm not going to walk away. Just seeing you in pain hurts me, always has always will. If you lashing out at me helps you cope with all of this better, gives you some sort of control where you feel you have none then I'm not going to complain."
Jules still didn't look completely convinced. "Promise me something?" He nodded, anything to erase the worry from her eyes. "If it's ever too much for any reason, will you promise you'll tell me?"
Sam nodded, his eyes twinkling mischievously. "You want me to walrus you? Or do I get to pick my own code word?" Pleased to see the eye roll that said she was feeling more relaxed, he continued. "Seriously though, you start hitting below the belt and I'll say something before it affects us. Okay? So do you want to go in or would you like to go somewhere else? It's been a while since that breakfast bagel thingie Spike brought you for breakfast. We can go get an early dinner before we go in."
Jules frowned. "Don't you mean late lunch? After all, it's only…" She glanced at her watch to get the accurate time and frowned. "Four thirty? Sam, how long did it take you to drive from the station to here? The clock in the witness room said two o'clock when we walking out. How did I lose over two hours?"
Sam shrugged. "You were really sleeping well so I just drove around the city for awhile." He didn't add that he'd been trying to give time for his other plan for her to be completed. Once he'd heard that the majority of the attack had taken place on the couch, he'd known he didn't want it being the first thing she saw when she walked through the door. "So?"
Jules unfastened her seatbelt. Though she'd managed to distance herself enough from the situation while giving her statement to avoid throwing up again, the idea of eating didn't appeal to her. She knew Sam would fuss at her if she didn't eat something but she'd cross that bridge later. As she slipped out of the jeep, Sam realized he had his answer and climbed out as well. He waited until she came around the front of the vehicle to slip his arm around her waist so they could walk together up the walk. He could feel her shaking but didn't say anything, recognizing that she felt strongly about doing this despite the fear.
"The door is locked isn't it?" Jules questioned suddenly as Sam opened the screen. Flashes of her dreams from the night before coming back to her even though she was walking to the door instead of being carried.
"Yeah, of course it is." Sam answered without hesitation and then said a silent prayer that his secret workers had followed directions. He unlocked the door and followed Jules over the threshold. She stopped just inside the doorway looking around in amazement.
Nothing looked as she remembered it. The furniture she recognized had been moved into different positions and the couch that she didn't recognize was completely new. She shook her head and looked at Sam, her eyes questioning. He pulled her against him comfortingly. "I sort of get why you needed to come back here and I respect that. But I wanted to make it as easy on you as possible. It's not a new couch; it's the one from my apartment. I swapped them out so if you decide you want the original back, we can totally do that."
"But how? You've been with me the whole time."
He led her the rest of the way into the house and sat down on the replaced couch pulling Jules into his lap. She didn't look upset so he took that as a good sign. "Your brothers and my sister. I made a couple of calls while you were giving your statement. Natalie came by and got your key from me and then met Peter and James to do the moving. Fortunately James has a truck with a bed big enough to carry stuff."
Sam lifted her chin so he could look at her. "You okay with this? I know I should have asked before I had them do all this…"
This time it was she who put her finger to his lips. "It's awesome. Really. To be honest, as much as I insisted I wanted to come back here, I wasn't really sure I could do it. I love this place. Like I told you, I have too many great memories, especially memories that include you, and I want to make more memories. You gave me my house back; how could I not be okay with that. I am a little surprised that my brothers didn't stay until we got here to check on me; especially James."
"They wanted to." Sam admitted. "I suggested that you might need a little time to adjust to being back without an audience. They agreed to wait until tomorrow to come by. Said they were pretty sure you still didn't want your dad to know so they were going to go by the hospital so he wouldn't get suspicious."
She nodded but didn't reply. Sam could tell something was bothering her. He wanted to ask but didn't want to pressure her. Instead he contented himself with simply stroking her arm and holding her close. When Patches emerged from wherever he'd been hiding and jumped up on the couch with them, Jules had broken down in tears again and cuddled the kitten close. Sam knew what was going on in her mind. The last cat she'd dared to love had been killed by the man who had attacked her. Even though he'd assured her the cat was okay, she hadn't really been able to believe until she saw Patches with her own eyes.
After awhile, the kitten lost interest and ambled off in the direction of the kitchen probably in search of either his food bowl or his litter box. Sam offered to either prepare something for them to eat or to call for delivery. He didn't want to leave her alone on her first night even long enough to run pick something up. She didn't really want anything but in order not to worry Sam, agreed to trying a bowl of soup. She followed Sam into the kitchen as he heated up a couple of cans of clam chowder, not really wanting to be alone in the other room long enough for him to do so. She managed to eat half a bowlful before pushing it away. Sam had hoped for more but didn't push her.
He led her back to the couch where they sat and mindlessly watched whatever happened to be on the channel the TV had been on the last time they had watched it. Neither paid too much attention; both lost in their own thoughts. About thirty minutes into a show neither could name, Jules flipped the TV off and twisted on the couch to look up at Sam.
"Sam, were you ever scared there were monsters under your bed?"
The question seemed pretty random but Sam gave it serious consideration. "No. My bed went all the way to the ground so there was no way they could fit under it. Besides I grew up on a military base."
She raised an eyebrow and shook her head. "And what did that have to do with anything?"
Sam chuckled. "Nobody and nothing gets on base without either having proper credentials or going through proper channels. No way monsters were getting past the gate let alone in my house. What about you?"
"Are you kidding me? I had four older brothers. They had me convinced there were monsters under my bed, in my closet, in the attic, and living in Ridge's left ear. Slept with a night light until I was eight years old. Don't laugh, my brothers are very convincing."
It was hard for Sam to imagine Jules ever being afraid of monsters. But he had a feeling this wasn't really where she was going with the conversation. He waited for her to explain. She took a deep breath.
"Of course, I finally outgrew the fear. But then one night when I was 12 I heard this scratching sound coming from under my bed. Immediately I flashed back to those childhood fears and even though I knew there was no such things as monsters I was convinced one was under my bed. I was too scared to stay in bed but too scared to run from the room either. Finally I jumped as far as I could toward the door and ran to my parents' room. I told my dad there was a monster under my bed. I expected him to laugh at me or tell me I was too old to believe in such things. Instead, he promised to check it out. He made me stay with Mom and he went to my room."
"What was it?"
"Raccoon. Dad figured it had gotten in through the attic somehow and had made it's way down to my room. I always figured one of my brothers caught him somewhere and hid him there trying to scare me. Never did find out which it was. But that wasn't the important part. What stuck with me all these years is that in that moment Dad understood that I needed reassurance even though he knew I knew there had to be a reasonable explanation."
"And now you need me to reassure you of something. Name it and I'll do it If you need me to look under the beds and in every closet and triple check the doors for awhile to feel comfortable, I can do that. Given that you encountered a very real monster in a human form here I don't think it would be an unreasonable fear."
Jules shook her head. "No, it's not that, but now that you mention it, maybe we could do a check before we go to bed tonight. Just to be sure. After all, we still don't know how he got in here. I'd also feel more comfortable if we kept the 40 caliber in the nightstand rather than the lock box. I promise I won't shoot without knowing what I'm shooting at."
"Consider it done. Okay so if that's not what you need reassuring about, what else is there?"
Jules struggled with getting her thoughts together. Finally she blushed and answered. "I know you love me and I know you aren't going to stop loving me because I've been tainted or something like that. I do trust that but at the same time, I can't shake the feeling that I cheated on you and ruined what we have."
If she hadn't started off by telling him the story about the monsters, Sam probably would have immediately scoffed at her fears and told her it couldn't happen and that she was being silly. But because of her explanation he considered his answer more carefully. "Jules, you didn't cheat on me. You didn't ask for any of this to happen. It's not your fault and if you need me to tell you that every day for the next ten years I will. Nothing is ruined. Yeah, we're going to have to work through some things. You can't expect otherwise. It's going to be awhile before I carry you upstairs and make love to you like nothing happened. Not because I don't want to but because I refuse to rush you or hurt you. But we will get back there eventually taking things as slow as you need us to until you feel absolutely comfortable. I'm not going to get mad or frustrated no matter how long it takes. In the meantime, I will give you whatever level of intimacy you do want and feel comfortable with. "
He hoped it was what she wanted and needed to hear. She blinked back a couple of tears. "The idea of you making love to me shouldn't be scary. He didn't get a chance to go that far but right now the thought of it, even knowing you'd be gentle and loving scares the hell out of me. I feel like more of a freak than ever."
He leaned down, his lips capturing hers in a kiss full of promise and love. Once he felt her relax in his arms ever so slightly he pulled back, his eyes dark and serious. "Jules, you aren't a freak. I don't care how gentle or loving I tried to be, with your injuries right now I would hurt you and that's not something I'll ever be comfortable with. I'm not even going to try to make love to you until the doctor gives you the all clear, not even if you say it's what you want. That'll be at least two or three weeks. And even then you get to control the pace. Besides we can't exactly do too much while you are on antibiotics, can we?"
The doctor had insisted that prescribing a course of antibiotics was normal under the circumstances to prevent her injuries from becoming infected. The little orange label on the prescription bottle he'd gotten filled for her on their way to the station contained the same warning Jules had pointed out to him after the doctor had prescribed antibiotics following her anthrax exposure. Some medications can decrease the effectiveness of birth control pills. The last time hadn't been a big issue, they'd simple used condoms as a back up until she'd been off the antibiotics long enough for them not to affect her normal contraceptive methods. After listening to her tell about how her attacker had been so close to fully raping her that she could feel his condom against her entrance, Sam didn't think he'd ever feel comfortable using one with her again.
Jules nodded, a lot of the worry leaving her eyes. How was it that he was able to hit right at the heart of her fears so completely when she herself hadn't really realized exactly what was scaring her? Her heart swelled with love for the man holding her close. She wiped at her eyes and smiled at him. "But we can still kiss right?"
"Yeah, we can kiss all you want."