[Disclaimer] Everything Twilight belongs to Mrs. Stephenie Meyer but lovely Lilly is all mine.
[A/N] Thanks & hugs to all my lovely readers out there. I'm thankful that you enjoy reading my little story here. It's close to my heart and I love writing it a lot.
**Chapter 37**
I was drowning in the endless chaos of my own emotions while I tried to put on a brave face for everyone around me. Everything was so complicated and I couldn't understand why my mothers had decided to have another baby right now. It was too risky for Momma anyway. Grandpa had explained her heart condition to me and I had looked up some further information on the Internet that scared me beyond words.
She could die? What in heaven's name was I supposed to do when that happened?
The fear cramped around my soul and knocked the breath out of me. I acted, like a robot, convincing Jane to allow Momma reducing her hours without giving away the true reason. I watched my little sister while my parents were at the hospital to do countless check-ups. I agreed to let them turn my room into the baby's while I was supposed to move underneath the roof although I didn't want to.
Who cared about what I wanted anyway?
After driving Zoe to her softball practice I finally managed to sit down in the kitchen. What I was about to do was wrong, I knew and the fact that I still was going for it proved what a loser I was. Just this one time to get rid of the stress, I assured myself. My fingers quivered when I started swallowing down the ice cream but after a few bites some pleasant calmness spread through my entire body. When the package in front of me was empty I stood up and grabbed some Pop Tarts from the counter, munching them down with a gulp of milk straight out of the box. While I was eating I didn't have to worry about Momma dying or Jane not having time for me. I stuffed bread with cream cheese between my lips, followed by the rest of the leftovers of yesterday's dinner. My stomach started heaving and I barely managed to make it to the bathroom to get rid of the crap I had eaten.
Afterwards I showered, cleaned the entire kitchen until it was spotless and cried until I had no more tears left to cry. I was so weak, so incredibly weak and I hated being weak more than anything else.
I heard the car in the driveway and quickly wiped my face on the back of my sleeve before I buried my nose in my thick history book. My grades needed to get better if I wanted to have any chance at…
"I want you to pee in this."
I raised my head and blinked into Mom's face. She looked pissed and I couldn't understand why she would be angry at me now.
"Hello to you too, Mom." I stated, taking the plastic cup from her to turn it around.
"What is this supposed to mean?"
"Go upstairs and pee in it, Lilly."
"WHAT? Are you kidding me? And where is Momma?"
She sighed and sat down on the edge of the couch, twisting her fingers nervously into her hair.
"She's still in the hospital. Seth wants to do a long term ECG on her but now to you and what you've been doing behind our backs."
I blushed and started down at my hands. She couldn't know about the binge attack, could she? God damn it, it was the only time in months and I really needed some sort of stress relief.
"What I do or don't do is none of your fucking business. You and Momma are going to have a new baby in a few months. Maybe that one will turn out better than me. I'm sorry for being such a big disappointment."
She tried to wrap her arm around my shoulder but I moved to the other end of the couch, crossing my arms in front of my chest.
"Lilly, baby, please, why are you doing this to us?"
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Mom."
She kneeled down in front of me and took both of my hands between hers.
"I love you. Why are you doing that to yourself? You need to stop taking crap like that. It could kill you."
"Stop taking what? I don't know what you are talking about."
"Oh Lilly, don't try to play it down now. I found the pills."
She pulled a tiny tablet tube filled with pink pills out of her handbag and waved with it in front of my face.
XXXX
Jane wrapped her arms around my middle and pulled me closer against her body.
"I believe her. If you don't that's your problem, Bella."
A low growl left Mom's mouth before she spoke up again, her voice sharp like a knife when she turned to Jane.
"I don't know why you are even here now. This is none of your business. I bet you gave her money for buying this crap. If I find out you talked her into trying drugs…,"
"Mom! For the last time now, I'm not taking drugs. I never have, I never will. The stuff you found in my room is just some old sweetener. Please, stop being rude to Jane all the time."
"It's okay, gioia. I can handle your mother."
"I'm not one of your employee's, you little witch. This is not some kind of joke. I'm really worried about Lilly. First the eating disorders and now…,"
Seth and Momma walked down the stairs, her face white like a ghost. She sat down next to me and took my hand.
"The test, Seth did with your urine was negative."
"What a surprise." I snarled angrily. "You could have believed me but why would you?"
"Oh please, sweetie, don't be like that now. You know that we only worry about you because we care. Maybe all that modeling stress is too much for you right now. Maybe you should take a break."
"Do you need one?" Jane asked me worriedly. "You can tell me if you don't want to continue with modeling for L. Swan. If it's too much pressure we can find someone else to do the rest of the photo shots."
"But I like doing that. It's the only time you and I get to spend time together."
"That's not true, gioia."
"Oh yes it is." I whispered breathlessly.
I started crying again and she held my against her chest until only a few dry sobs left my throat.
"I'm so sorry, Lilly. I'm so very sorry about everything. If you want me to sell the company, I'll do it. I only want to be with you. There is nothing in this world that is more important to me than you being happy."
How was I supposed to be happy when she was giving up her aunt's heritage after working so hard for it? How was I supposed to be happy when the baby Momma was carrying was going to ruin her health? I was so done with all this crap, so very done…
"I'm so done with all of this, so done, so done." I stumbled out before the world around me started blurring and after a few minutes everything around me vanished into numb darkness.
XXXXX
"Lilly, are you awake?"
I groaned and opened my eyes to look at Jasmine's worried face.
"Where am I?"
"In the hospital but you won't have to stay here any longer. Your mothers were just worried when you fainted and called an ambulance."
"Crap,"
"That's putting it mildly. What's it like when everyone thinks you to be a junkie?"
"I didn't take any drugs. Seth made a stupid test and it was clean."
She sat down on the edge of the bed and handled me a notebook filled with scrawly drawings.
"What's that?"
"You tell me. You were the one who made those for me. Don't you remember?"
I shook my head and circled my fingertips over one of the drawings.
"I don't remember that much about when I was little."
I don't want to remember, I added secretly in my head.
"But you remember some things. Don't you? Are they unpleasant for you to think about?"
"Yes, they are and please stop questioning me like that. It makes me feel stupid."
"I'm sorry about that, Lilly. But your mothers talked me into talking to you again…professionally."
"I'm not crazy."
"I know, sweetie."
"I just want to be normal. I want to have a girlfriend who has time for me when I need her and a mother who believes me when I tell her that I don't take drugs. I want Momma to be okay and I want…I want the dreams to stop. They always keep coming back and I…can't endure them."
"What do you dream about?"
"It's…nothing, just some stupid memories that don't make any sense to me."
"Tell me what you see in your dreams."
"Me…me as a little child and I'm in my father's office. Oh and I'm scared, I'm always so terribly scared in my dreams. Sometimes I hide behind a couch and I can feel the leather against my face when I do that."
"Are you scared of your father?"
"No, I'm not. He's not there. I'm with her." My voice starts trembling when I continue. "She's so angry at me and I can feel how much she hates me with every word that comes over her lips."
"Who is she?"
"His secretary…Tanya, I think was her name. She's so mean. She's scaring me."
"Did she hurt you?"
"Sometimes…she pulled on my hair and stuff like that. I don't know why she hated me so much."
"Maybe she was just stressed or something like that. Angry adults can seem quite frightening to little kids."
"But I know she hated me. She told me…she told me…,"
"What did she tell you?"
"That she hated me…that she wished I was dead…That I had ruined my father's life with my existence. That she wished I would die...That I'm always in the way. That Dad would love her if it wasn't for me. That I fucked up everything." Each word I spoke hurt me like a sharp knife and at the very same moment it was so incredibly relieving.
Jasmine put one arm around me in a rather unprofessional way and stroked up and down my spine.
"It's okay, sweetie. It was a very long time ago. She won't hurt you ever again. I'm sorry she said all these horrible things to you. That's nothing a child should hear…ever."
"I stole her sweetener just to piss her off. Isn't that stupid? And now Mom found that crap after all these years and thought it to be drugs."
"Lilly, why do you insist that it's sweetener?"
"She said so. I remember her putting some of them in my father's coffee before bringing it to him."
Jasmine's eyes narrowed and for a moment her grip around my wrist tightened so much that it was painful.
"Are you sure about that?" her voice sounded panicked now. Jeez, having the baby didn't have such a good influence on her nerves…
"Ouch, let go of my hand before you break my wrist. I am sure about that. Or I'm not? I was just a little child back then. It was so long ago. Why are you asking anyway?"
"They checked the pills in order to find out what they were and the pharmacist told your mother it was some sort of psychotropic."