Holding on, Letting go

October: my favorite month of the year; not anymore though.

How could I be happy and celebrate one of my favorite days of the year when I couldn't celebrate it with the person I wanted to? But, I had to let it go. My feelings did not take precedence anymore. Now, I had Theo and it was her happiness the one that took forefront. Her smiling face and kicking legs were the ones that mattered and even if I felt not up to it, I had to do it, for her.

At the court, the rest of the neighbors had decided to do trunk-or-treat for all the neighboring kids. According to Claudette, in the six years she had been residing there, it was a pretty big deal, and it was safe since we didn't have to leave the confinements of our small cul-de-sac. Claude and I had pitched in and made goodie bags for the kids.

It was easier than having loose candy and that way, those with peanut and tree nut allergy could benefit of partaking in the Halloween festivities. We were to run the trunk-or-treat from five in the afternoon until roughly eight in the evening. Thankfully it was a weekend, so the big kids wouldn't come out until much later.

Claudette and I were sitting in front of my Jeep, watching as Micah held on to his little brother and pranced around the other vehicles with their trunks opened. Another one of the neighbors was utilizing his sound system and was blasting music for everyone's entertainment. Theo was now three months old, and a very happy baby, reaching every milestone expected of her.

It was chilly out, but her adorable onesie bear costume was keeping her warm. In order to match my daughter, I had dressed as "mama bear" and Billings sported an adorable Park Ranger vest. We were cohesive and as parents commented on our ensembles, we waited for Julian—Claudette's husband—to return from work at the naval base.

"I still can't get over how adorable you three look," Claudette begun with a smile, "How did you even get the idea for this?"

I adjusted in my seat and rubbed my thumb over Theo's thigh, "Elijah and I knew Theo would be here by this time and we planned it ahead," I answered, feeling the knot on my throat. I had started calling Trevor by his middle name, just as to not raise flags.

Claudette offered a sad smile, "You still miss him, huh?"

I nodded and cleared my throat, fighting my tears back, "It's not easy, Claude. She reminds me of him every day. She has all his mannerisms, down to his sneeze."

Claudette nodded and handed a goodie bag to one of the kids that had stopped by our trunk, "I can't even begin to fathom how you've been so strong. H—How long ago did he pass?"

Shit! "Uh," I sighed, "just a couple of weeks before I moved here."

"Jesus," she breathed out quickly, worrying her bottom lip.

In the short time that I'd known Claudette, I knew that was a telling sign for her. She needed to say something, but wasn't exactly sure how to say it, "What is it, Claude? I can hear your brain at work."

She looked at me with a bemused expression and I giggled, "How do you even know that I need to tell you something?"

I shook my head, "Out with it."

"Remember Everett?" I furrowed my brow in confusion, shaking my head, "Julian's Navy friend? We saw him at the hospital a couple of weeks ago for Trevor's check-up," I shook my head once more and shrugged, "The PA, Natalie!"

"Oh!" I reacted, elongating the syllable, "What about him?"

"He asked Julian about you," she winced as she finished the statement, "Julian told him about your loss, but he was still very insistent."

I sighed, of course my friend wanted me to go back out there and find someone that could make me as happy as she was with her husband, but I was already happy… with Trevor. It wasn't that Everett wasn't beautifully handsome, quite the contrary. He reminded me, somewhat of Tristan—tall, dark, and with beautiful hazel eyes. He looked of mixed race and his smile was to die for, but he wasn't Trevor.

I wanted blue eyes, not hazel.

I wanted a gigantically tall man, not a subpar one.

I wanted a lawyer, not a PA.

I wanted the father of my daughter, not Julian's friend.

I wanted Trevor, not Everett.

"Why are you telling me this, Claude?" I smirked, knowing exactly why she was telling me this.

"Julian invited him over for the get-together tonight," she sighed heavily, chancing a glance over at my expressionless face, "Y—You're still coming, right?"

I bit my lip, reaching next to me to pet Billings' fur, finding the comfort to will my beating my heart down. I glanced at my lap to the cooing baby, contently waving her rattle. I picked her up and turned her, having her stand on my lap as I made noises back at her beautiful smiling face. I glanced back at Claudette whom was still giving me an expectant look.

I deflated on my chair, handing her Theo for some playtime, "Yes, I'll come."

Claudette took Theo and begun bouncing her, cooing back at the baby in front of her, "Jesus, Natalie! You could've taken longer with your answer."

I chuckled, shaking my head, reaching inside my Jeep's trunk to hand out goodie bags to a couple of kids that had approached our trunk, admiring their costumes and giving them compliments, "Claude, I'm not ready to date. Theo's still so young, she's the one that needs all my attention."

Claudette was tapping her forehead gently against Theo's, making the girl coo and smile, "No one is saying to go back out there and date, Nat. But, you need more adult interaction other than myself and Julian, and the people at the coffee shop."

I sighed. She had a point; "It's weird to even think about talking to someone else when his presence is all I feel."

Claudette sat Theo on her lap, handing her the teething rattle she'd been using, "I know, babe, I know. I just don't want you to get stuck and never date again or put yourself back out there because of Theo or Elijah. Don't you think he would want to see you happy?"

I gasped, wincing in the process. Of course Trevor would want me happy, but it was I that couldn't be happy with anyone else if it wasn't him. I couldn't let Claudette know that her comment had affected me, so I smiled nonetheless, "He would, Claude. And, I am happy… with you as my wife."

Claudette laughed heartily, "You are something else," she said, shifting her gaze to across the street where Julian had managed to park in his designated spot, "Look, they're here."

I sighed heavily, dreading the moment they'd finished getting ready for tonight and cross the street to make way to the trunk of my Jeep. I fidgeted with Billings' fur next to me and busied myself in handing goodie bags to the kids that would visit our little setup whilst Claudette entertained Theodora. My thoughts wandered. I was there with neighboring kids, handing them candy bags, but I was with Trevor too.

It was like getting to dream with your eyes open, or when you're caught in that weird space between sleep and wakefulness. Everything was coursing by quickly and soon the evening had picked up a chill to it. Even though Theo was bundled up in her cozy onesie costume, I needed to get her inside for her feeding and to wait for Winnie, the young middle school girl from the end of the cul-de-sac that on occasions would watch Micah, Trevor, and Theo.

Claudette handed me Theo, "I'll feed the boogers and walk them over. I'll see you soon?" she said with a smile.

I rolled my eyes and smirked, "I don't have a choice, do I?" I giggled, "Yes, Claudette, you'll see me soon."

As I entered the still quietness of my home, I sighed, rushing my way up the stairs to bathe Theodora. Once I finished her bath time routine, I sat in her room in the reclining chair and accommodated her across my belly in order to breastfeed her. I glanced down at her, admiring the features I could take apart and place on Trevor. It wasn't much, but I could still see him through her. I smiled down at her, receiving a half smile from her as she continued to suckle. I was thankful—in a way—that I had Theo to remind me of him, but what did he have?

I was gone, Billings was here with me, and his child at the moment of departure was still inside my body.

Where was he finding his comfort?

How was he handling his sorrow?

I prayed and hoped that he hadn't isolated like he had done so when Miranda left. I knew how much he had hurt over the entire thing and I knew how worrisome the family had grown of his behavior, but maybe, just maybe this time he could reach out and speak to someone. Someone he trusted and loved, and someone who wouldn't judge Trevor or I based on whatever lie he had worked out with the Marshals'.

All I really wanted for him was complete and total happiness, but whom was I kidding? He wasn't happy. He hadn't been happy that day in that room when they told us about Milo's activities. I most definitely wasn't as happy as I could've been if I had Trevor with me at this moment. I wasn't completely miserable, but my nights seemed colder, and my days grew quieter the minute Theodora went down for a nap. I missed him, and I had to take it easy on the perfume bottle if I wanted it to last. It helped, but it didn't work. Everything just smelled of cologne and not particularly him, but it was something and something was what I needed in order to be as strong as I could for Theodora.

"Miss Natalie?" I heard from downstairs.

I smiled, "I'm up here, Winnie!"

Billings had dispersed to greet the girl and in a matter of seconds, she appeared in front of Theo's doorway. She was used to watching me breastfeed, and she didn't seem uncomfortable about it, "Oh, she's falling asleep. That's good," she sighed, "You three looked really cute together."

I giggled at the girl's over-expressive face, "So did you in your Ruth Bader Gingsburg costume." She shrugged, smiling, "Did you pick that?"

She nodded, "The only way my parents will let us partake in the festivities is if we pick 'punny' things or people who matter."

I hummed, slowly moving Theo away from my chest, "I'll remember that for this little one. Here," I said as I stood, "sit and burp her while I go downstairs to feed Billings."

The girl nodded and took my seat, skillfully draping a half sleep baby on her shoulder, and began patting her back. I called for Billings and directed her downstairs to feed her. I returned upstairs and saw Winnie slowly rocking Theo. I knocked on the door, capturing the girl's attention, and mouthing my departure. As I was opening my door to exit my home, Claudette and Julian were standing in front of me with a sleeping Micah and Trevor in their arms. I let them in, taking from their hands the boy's sleeping bags. We all went upstairs to set them up in Theo's room, that way it would be easier for Winnie to keep an eye on them.

"Help yourself to anything you'd like from the fridge, Winnie. There are also leftover candy bags that you can eat if you'd like," I said over my shoulder as I stood by the door.

"Yes Miss Natalie, go have fun. I got this!"

I smiled at the girl and exited my home, walking side-by-side Claudette and her husband. Once we crossed the street and opened the door to their home, music, laughter, and chatter could immediately be heard. They had converted their dining table into a beer pong table, and currently, several adults were surrounding it, cheering for whoever was making the shot. I smiled, shaking my head.

In the living room, there were several of Julian's friends, men and women, having a somewhat loud discussion, and none other than Everett was leading the conversation.

"Finally, finally someone with some sense," he said once he noticed Claudette and Julian had returned, "Could you please tell these morons where would you rather go: space or bottom of the ocean?"

"Dude, space no doubt," answered Julian, moving to high-five his friend.

"Thank you," Everett shouted, leaning back on his knees.

I giggled and leaned on the wall, crossing my arms, watching as everyone laughed and shook their heads, "What about you, Natalie?" Everett asked with a smirk on his face.

I pondered my answer, "Both are unexplored frontiers for humankind, I guess it just depends where your curiosity lies," I shrugged, "Though, given the fact that space is just that, space, what are you really exploring? Blackness? Emptiness? Open plane of nothing? Or, would you rather explore a beach within the sea, animals you've never seen before, discover species you never knew existed… I mean, it's the smart choice, don't you think? And, you do have food down there."

Everyone had grown quiet when a woman dressed in a ladybug's costume spoke, "I'm changing my answer!"

We all laughed and Everett hung his head, smiling at the ground before raising his stare to find mine. The night continued as such, laughing, playing truth or dare, and never have I ever. For a group of grown ass adults, there were some serious childish questions at play. I laughed heartily, not having laughed like such since I started in the program.

I noticed how much I missed the sound of laughter, the sound of people together, of people enjoying each other's company together. All of this had been foreign to me, only hearing my daughter's gentle coos and sometimes-hungry cries. I realized how much I needed this, how much I needed other adult human interaction.

"What are you drinking?" Everett asked.

"I'm not," I answered, "Just some soda or water."

He furrowed his brow, "It's Halloween, Natalie."

"And, I'm breastfeeding, Everett."

He parted his mouth, nodding feverishly, catching up to my reason for not drinking. He continued to be very attentive, and as the night slowly turned into the early hours of the evening the adults around the downstairs area began dispersing. The only ones now lingering were another couple friend of Claudette's, Everett, and I. I had excused myself to the powder room to relieve myself of all the liquid I'd been ingesting throughout the night. I washed my hands and opened the door, running into the sturdy back of a tall man.

"Shit, I—I'm sorry," I stammered.

The person turned around, placing their hands on my shoulders, steadying my swaying body. He chuckled, "In a hurry?"

"Everett," I breathed out, smiling, "No, I'm sorry. You were in the way."

"Is that how you recall it?"

I scoffed, "That is exactly how I recall it."

He shrugged, "Too bad there are no witnesses to differ."

I snickered, "Are you always this charming?" I countered, resting on the powder room's door.

He laughed, "Are you always this defensive?" I raised my brows, crossing my arms across my chest, "Wow, you are." I shook my head and smiled, straightening my body to side step him when he grabbed my elbow, "Hey, wait! Where are you going?"

"Uh, back to the living room."

"But, why? There's only couples there, they're probably talking about their marital problems."

I furrowed my brow, "I'd rather listen to that," I smirked.

He leaned forward, "You'd rather listen to that than kiss me?" he flirted.

I scoffed, grinning, "Who said anything about kissing you, Everett?"

"You just did," he slyly said, leaning forward to hover over my lips. I smirked waiting on him to complete his move, and when he did, I didn't deny him.

His lips felt rough against mine, and his eagerness surprised me. I allowed myself to feel wanted, to feel desired. I was craving someone's touch, but was I craving anyone's touch?

His tongue grazed my bottom lip and I contemplated whether or not I should grant access to my mouth, but I couldn't. His hands found my hips, pulling me against his body, and I hummed at the contact of his belt to my midsection. I was slowly allowing the fall; really feeling his hands roam my body the way Trevor roamed it when he kissed me. The way his hands played with my hair, his thumbs grazing my jaw, urging me to stay on his lips. I moaned softly when he nibbled my lip, but the nibble became a ferocious bite and I almost yelped Trevor's name when I realized the bite hadn't come from Trevor's skillful mouth.

I gasped, placing my hands on his chest, and pushing him back. I shook my head, bringing my fingers to my bottom lip, "I—I—Is everything all right, Natalie?"

I shook my head, "I have to go," I whispered.

"D—Did I do something wrong?"

"N—No," I stammered, "This was a mistake," I said lugubriously.

"W—Wait, Natalie," he tried to stop me just as I bolted through the door.

I crossed the street, leaning against my Jeep with my hand at my forehead.

What had I done?

Had I really betrayed Trevor in a moment of utter weakness?

I sighed, biting the inside of my cheek to prevent the tears from falling.

I had to do better.

I needed to.

A/N: Oh Noa... I wrote this and I already want her back with Trevor.