List of oneshots part 3
chapter 37
Five escaped inmates find love.
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We find ourselves in a dark house. The curtains covered the windows. No light in sight, except for the fire, burning a cauldron. Standing before the cauldron, a brunette B-cup with white eyes, blue hat, blue cape, golden shirt and blue boots. She was humming to herself while sprinkling and tossing various ingredients into the cauldron.
"Saliva of the lonely, tears of the rejected, blood of broken hearts, shavings of cupid's magic love arrows." She threw all of this in. 'Still can't believe I snagged the whole quiver without him noticing.' She looked at a spell book as the potion started to bubble. "Now I just need one last ingredient."
She then pulled out a ring. "The broken promise of engagement." She tossed it in before seeing it start to bubble and turn red. The heat then made it melt before she started mixing in the ingredients with a whisk. "Alright, and...done!"
The brew then puffed up a big ball of steam that then formed into a heart.
'I hope this works...' She thought as she walked outside to the tree next to her house. She used her wand to lift the cauldron up and began pouring it on the roots. She then stood back and looked at the tree for 5 minutes, crossing her fingers before giving up. "Damn...another failed attempt. I'm never gonna make husband grow on trees." She said. 'I won't be able to get over 'him' at this rate.' She thought while thinking back to the ring she melted in the pot.
Said ring belonging to a man who promised to marry her, but instead ditched her and ran off with an Apophis.
"Well, it's getting late...better turn in for the night." She thought before going back to her house. She laid on her bed, turned on her phone, put on headphones and just binged Korean dramas till falling asleep.
Meanwhile in a prison a few miles away...
"Alright prisoners! Lights out!"
"No way!" Shouted one inmate.
"Prisoner 4710, get back to your cell."
"No! I wanna party!" He said, pulling out a boombox and dynamite. He played the boombox and lit the dynamite before throwing it.
"Where did you get that!?"
"I smuggled the dynamite up my ass while 5555 here smuggled the boombox up his."
The bomb went off and a riot began. The prisoners rushed out with the guards rushing to try and subdue them. As the riot went on, a prisoner was walking by the psychiatric ward.
"This should be a good distraction for the guards." Said a regular inmate. He had long black hair, orange eyes and a tattoo of a spiral on his right hand. He then used that right hand to press the release all button. Releasing all of the psychiatric ward inmates. "Hey guys! If you wanna go nuts then come on out and join the party!"
"There's this one guard I've been meaning to talk to. Once I eat his flesh, his family is next."
"I'm gonna pull off a few heads with my bare hands and use them as baseballs."
"Aw-man, Summer Vacation is over, now I gotta leave home and go back to school."
The regular inmate was about to run, but then someone grabbed him.
"Hey, you seem pretty cool, mind if this crazy guy follows yah?" He asked.
"That depends, you gonna try and wear my skin the second I turn my back?"
"No, no, no, I didn't come here because of fucked up shit like that, I'm here because I have on multiple occasions have come very close to starting the next World War." He then smiled.
"...that's fucked up."
"Please let me come with, I just wanna live the rest of my life as a happy weirdo now that people might mistake for a lady."
"Looking at you, yeah you kinda do look like a woman." The crazy inmate had long blonde flowing hair, blue eyes and a more feminine face. "Alright come on, but if you try to schank me your ass is grass."
"Ooh, I love grass." He then came along. "So I'm Pierre, what's your name and how'd you get in here?"
"Name's Harold, I was supposed to be released a month after slapping a cop because he made a rude comment about my friends. But my stay was made longer by that damn corrupt warden!"
"Oh I hate him too. I tried telling him his daughter was the reincarnation of Hitler to see if he'd be my first ally, but then he got mad and put this straight jacket on me."
"Don't worry, I'm sure an inmate in the Prison Pet Program has an animal to claw that off."
They then found a man with a bear cub on his back. This dark skinned man was bald and with yellow eyes.
"Hello there..."
"Andy, and this is my wittle friend Exclamation."
"Who names their pets after punctuation? Anyways, mind getting this jacket off my friend Pierre?" Asked Harold.
"If he's psychotic he might hurt Exclamation."
"A bear vs. a crazy guy?"
"Uh...okay."
Exclamation then freed Pierre.
"Woopee! I'm free! I can spin, I can dance, I can imitate things from Family Guy."
"Uh...what was that las-"
That's when Pierre grabbed Andy's head and put his face in his ass. "I'm gonna do it!"
"Don't do it!"
"I'm gonna fucking do it!"
"AAAAAAH! Exclamation my baby, don't look!"
He then released Andy. "Just kidding. Thanks getting me free, we're best friends now." Pierre then hugged Andy.
"Uh..."
"Let's not dwell on this, and hey, let's spring a kid from the Juvenile Hall wing."
"Why?" Asked Pierre.
"I'm on a roll with freeing inmates, I want a group of 5 before we blow this place?"
"Oddly specific number, but if Exclamation is fine with it, then I'm in."
"Alright, let's hurry, I can hear the prisoners being silenced with tranq darts."
Later...
We see a blue haired teen with purple eyes and was a little on the thin side. He was looking outside the door with a bored expression. "Isn't this splendid? A riot and I'm the guy with the rusted shut prison bars."
"Hey, don't let it get yah down kid, I smuggled a nail file up my ass before they gave me the straight jacket." Said Pierre.
"Please stop talking about your ass." Said Andy.
"No, women love it." He then filed the bars off. "You're free, come with us kid!"
"My name is Patrick, and...sure, my parents suck, so going home after Juvi would just be transferring jails anyways."
"Alright, so who's number 5, Harold?" Asked Pierre.
"Obviously, a Death Row inmate, a really tough guy to punch our way out of here."
"Wouldn't he be inclined to crack our skulls before joining?"
"1st chance he gets, I'm hitting him with the hallucinogenic powder I smuggled up my ass. While he becomes a party of one, he'll be a perfect distraction while we run away." Harold explained.
"I think they should've given you my straight jacket." Said Pierre.
"Trust me, my plan is foolproof."
Later...
A muscular bald man with a meteor tattoo on the back of his head, had just beat up the squad sent to contain him.
"Whoa...hey sir? Wanna escape? I have a map of where the nearest exit is, we just need you to mutilate all the guards in our way."
He thought about it. "Sure, you look like the type of rag tag group who could use some beef. Name's Yosef."
"I'm Harold, this is Pierre, that's Patrick, this is Andry, and his pet bear Exclamation, please don't eat him."
"The bear or guy?"
"Both."
"Okay, I wasn't gonna eat any of you anyways, I was sent to jail for being the butcher, not the eater."
"Alright, now that we got everyone, let's find some wheels and book it!"
They made it to the parking lot, but all of the cars have been either smashed or nabbed by luckier inmates.
"Fuck, we were too late! Okay, plan B! Hope the metal fence, climb a tree and then sleep there till morning."
"Are you nuts? The guards will find us in no time." Said Patrick.
"Oh don't worry, I smuggled grenade up my ass just incase." Said Yosef.
"Okay, whoever didn't smuggle something up their ass, raise their hand." Andy was the only one who raised his hand. "Patrick?"
"Just my video games, plus an 8 pack of batteries, don't judge me."
"Anyways, Yosef, please blow the fence open, we apparently have no time to climb the fence."
"Alright, but you might wanna take cover." Yosef unclipped the grenade. Stuck it in the middle of the chain link fence and started running to the group. The hole that was blown was big enough for them to walk into. They booked it until finding a tree and climbed it.
"Phew...great job men."
"But what about whoever lives in the house?"
"We'll be long gone before the owner of the house wakes up."
"Anyone who tries to grab Exclamation while I sleep will be his breakfast."
"No worries, I'll let my medicine I took after dinner knock me out in no time flat." spoke Pierre.
They all found a comfortable bunch of branches and slept there.
The next morning the witch woke up to the sound of her alarm. A moe anime song. "Mmmmh...rise and shine Grace." She groaned to herself as she looked at her phone. "Mow the lawn?" She groaned even louder.
She forced herself out of bed, took a bubble bath, got dressed, had breakfast, then brushed her teeth. After all of that, she was now ready to step out of the house with her lawn mower. "Okay, today I'm gonna gather romance books torn to shreds, souls of those who waited too long and a chastity belt, maybe that mix will work." Grace said to herself before hearing snoring in her tree. "Huh? What's that?"
She looked up and her mind suddenly exploded. 'MEN! MY-MY TREE PRODUCED MEN! IT'S A MIRACLE! AND THERE'S ENOUGH FOR ME AND ALL MY FRIENDS!" She screamed in her head. She tried to keep from moving up to grab them and rushed inside her house to her crystal ball. "I need to tell them right away!"
An hour passed and her friends arrived.
"This had better be good." Asked an Owlursus. She had the fur of a black bear and eyes and beak of a snowy owl. She was the most muscular of the group, yet she was the 2nd biggest in the chest area at double D's. She also wore blue overalls and no shirt, just showing them off in her bra.
"It is, Linda. Trust me."
"I hope so, I was stalking prey in the mountains." Said a Wendigo. She was the thinnest and tallest of the group. Flattest of the group as well at A cups. She was also completely nude, using her long white hair to cover up her naughty bits.
"You won't regret it, Adeline."
"If it's another dating site, forget it, we were almost killed by Van Helsing's descendants last time." Said a Cockatrice. Her body had the skin of a king cobra, the head of a silkie chicken and she was a C cup. She wore a white tank top and black skirt that was so short, you can tell she's going commando, and also had pink nail polish on her talons.
"It won't be like that Silly. So don't be...silly."
"If this is a waste of my time, I'm leaving." Said a Chupacabra. Her chest was a whopping E cup. She had magenta skin, her spines were well combed, and she had the body of a Doberman Pinscher. She wore a shirt that was blatantly showing her love for Grace, because it had a crossed out circle over the word bruja, which is spanish for witch.
"Selena, we've been BFF's since forever. I only waste your time when I'm angry." She then pointed to the tree. "You see what I found sleeping in my tree?"
The girls looked up and blinked seeing the men.
"Oooh, and look at the variety." Said Silly.
"I know, I can't believe my potion finally worked!"
The men soon awoke from the sounds of the girls talking. They groaned rubbed their eyes before looking down and went wide eyed in shock. "Aaaah!" They all screamed.
"What the Hell!?" Said Patrick.
"Harold, did you use the hallucinogen on us while we slept?" Asked Yosef.
"No, I still got it right here."
"They're awake! Come-on girls, let's pick out a hubbie!"
"Me first!" spoke Adeline licking her lips with a little drool.
"Now remember, I said husbands, not food."
"I can tell the difference!"
"You almost ate our human child friend on multiple occasions."
"That journey to kill a demon lord made me really hungry. Besides, human child friend is now an adult and living far away."
"What are these weird things talking about? They sound as crazy as me."
"Hey Pierre, this may be a bad time, but are you willing to help Yosef fight them off?"
"Even I'm not that crazy."
"It doesn't look like they wanna come down. Should I flash them?"
"No Adeline, they won't be impressed by your proportions." Said Selena.
"Oh fuck you." She then walked up to the tree and climbed.
"It's coming up! Yosef, please tell me you have another grenade in your ass!" Panicked Andy.
"Even I'm not that badass!"
"Oooooh, I want the one who looks like a girl." She said, eyes set on Pierre.
"I figured a guy would hit on me first before this!"
"She's so skinny, come-on Yosef, smack her off the tree!" Said Harold.
"With pleas-" Yosef was held down with one arm as Adeline got ever so closer to Pierre.
"Get away from Pierre!" Shouted Andy.
"Pierre? Ooh, so you're a french pretty boy." She said, wrapping her arms around the crazy man.
"Well I DID have in mind to bring France into the world war at the beginning."
"Come here frenchie, I'm gonna turn you into a wendigo, just like me." Adeline then jumped off the tree with Pierre in her arms.
"Wait, what?"
"Yes, I'll starve you, then have you cannibalize another human." she smiled making him shiver with the other guys sharing a look that said 'RUN!'
Once the poor guy was out of sight...
"Okay, my turn!" Said Silly. "I'm going for the meaty bald guy."
"No! I have an irrational fear of Cockatrices!" he cried out before jumping down and bolted. That's when Silly used her paralysis powers to stop Yosef in place. "Wh-what's happening? Why can't I move?"
"Just so you know, my fetish is choking the chicken. So how big are you? 5? 6?"
"7 Inches." Yosef replied.
"Jackpot. Now let's go to your new home where we'll be making eggs forever."
"So Selena, you wanna go next?"
"Yep, I'm sure you know how much I like men who are younger than me."
"Oh God, no!" Patrick then climbed up to a higher point of the tree.
"If you got the strength to climb up higher than I'm gonna have you put that energy in bed!"
"Leave me alone! I'm still a minor!"
"Even better, your youthful energy shall be drained each night." She then climbed up onto Grace's house. Standing on top of her home's chimney. She then jumped onto the tree, grabbing Patrick by his torso. That's when Patrick panicked and started punching Selena in the face. "Ha! That kinda tickles."
"Wh-what? Aren't you Chupacabras just dogs with mange? Why aren't you getting hurt?"
"Leathery skin, now let's go home, a body this thin needs food. Hope you like goat." she grabbed him by the front of his uniform and climbed off the roof.
"No! I wasn't supposed to expect this kind of ball and chain till probably my late 20's!" Shouted Patrick.
"2 left, wanna have a go, Grace?"
"Nah, you can go next Linda, I can wait a little more."
"Suit yourself."
"Only 2 of us left, I'm not liking these odds." Said Andy, while he cuddled Exclamation.
"Hmm...I think I'll take the guy with the teddy bear."
"He is not a plush toy! Exclamation is a real cub!" he yelled out with said bear giving a low growl making him adorable.
"Wait...you love bears?"
"They're my favorite animal, why?"
Linda then used her bear strength to rip Andy out of the tree and into her arms. "Let's go, your little friend here is about to become a big brother."
He turned red as she carried the two away.
Harold was the last one as Grace looked up.
"Look, I might be forcing this on you, but please...I'm lonely...the others may have been blinded from their lust but...the more I looked at the clothes you guys were wearing, I now realize something I've been trying to do, didn't actually work."
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"I've been trying to make a potion to magically summon a husband for me, but each attempt ended in failure."
"Okay, but why? You look pretty hot, you could've gotten a guy with just your looks."
"Are you kidding? I've tried! The second they learn I'm a witch though they run for the hills."
"That's terrible, surely someone must've saw you only as a woman." Said Harold as he involuntarily started climbing down.
"Yeah, one. He and I were so happy together, but like a guy he saw someone he thought was much prettier and dumped me. The worst part, he dumped me 2 days after giving me an engagement ring." she frowned looking to the side as Harold reached the bottom.
"That fucking sucks, but hey, we're kindred spirits now."
"How so?"
"We've both been lied to."
"You don't say?"
"I was supposed to be out of the clink in a month, but the asshole warden made my sentence last longer. I was hoping my friends and family would pitch in to bail me out, but then I learned he showed them Photoshopped pics of me being brutal to the inmates. Not wanting a 'violent thug' like me out into society."
"That's horrible!"
"Yep. Stuck in there for 5 years. How long have you been looking for a man?"
"Strange coincidence, but 5 years."
"Hmph...I'd trade in those wasted 5 years to be with you."
That's when she turned to his direction. "Wait...you want to be with me?"
"I can't just leave you now that you've explained yourself."
"Really?"
He then took her hand and got down on one knee. "Really."
"You'll just leave me. I'm only at cute level not sexy, and my boobs and butt aren't that big."
"Love doesn't care about things like that." He said, getting up and pulling her to his face. He pressed his lips against hers making her face turn red.
She returned the kiss as her tears didn't let up. 'I'm really being kissed!'
He then pulled back. "So wife, do you believe me now?"
"Yes! Yes! Thank you!" She then levitated him into her house. "After some tender moments, I'll personally have my vengeance, torturing, then torching the horrible warden that made you suffer for 5 years."
"Then honeymoon?"
"I can get us a free trip to Hawaii, Fiji and the Bahamas with my magic!" She hugged Harold before leading him to her bed. "Now let's consummate."
"No need to tell me twice."
Later...
"Where in the hell is that Harold? Fuck, did we lose my favorite inmate to torture?" Complained the warden.
"Yes, and he's now married to me." Said Grace as she ignited her staff.
"So this is what karma looks like...welp, I lived a good long life." The warden made peace with that before feeling the unholy wrath of a witch.