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Chapter 36- You Scare Me.
Sam watched her walk away, his heart lost in her footsteps as they retreated into the building.
After sitting there for ten minutes Sam drove himself home, his mind quiet and his heart aching.
He'd made mistakes in his life, but none of them even came close to comparing to this.
Andy watched him drive away through a crack between the curtains. Her heart was breaking at the still vivid image his face was as it floated around in her mind.
He'd been so honest, and so true that she could have sworn that she saw his soul in those few minutes that he had let his guard down.
She had only said no because if they had a repeat of the last time, she would not come back from that again. She also had the fear of not being able to trust him with her heart again, and that she wouldn't ever be able to not let it influence them.
But the biggest reason was that she didn't trust herself not to hurt him again- even accidentally. He didn't deserve that.
The more she thought about it, the better it was to let him go so that he could be happy in his own way, the way he deserved.
Andy grabbed a shower, and tried to face food but it just wasn't happening. Sam had invaded her mind completely and he wasn't going anywhere.
Sam found himself staring at his dinner, his appetite completely having vanished. He couldn't stop thinking over her no.
He'd layed it all out there, and she still said no.
He was trying to put up the fight he had promised her, but she was building those walls impossibly high.
Sam thought over it for all of twenty minutes staring at his plate; trying to wasn't good enough, he had to put up the fight if he wanted to win her back.
Knocking on her door, Sam was prepared to find her sleeping or find her really mad because he was here; but he didn't care.
She wanted the fight, so she was going to get it.
When Andy opened the door, she wasn't surprised to find Sam on the other side.
She let him in, her hands wrapping themselves up in each other as she turned to him and waited for him to say whatever it was he had to say.
"I'm sorry, yeah I screwed up, but you walked away. I let you consume every second of every day until Marlo came to Fifteen, and I just couldn't do it anymore.
I was trying to move on, trying my damnedest to shut you out, and push you away, but you're always there in the back of my mind.
Words aren't my thing, but I'm gonna say everything that I came to say, and you're gonna hear me out because you deserve to know all of it".
Sam took a deep breath, Andy's attention peeking at his TO tone as it sounded through her lounge.
"You scare me McNally, everything about you scares me, and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to handle it.
Having you, and then not being with you was more than enough punishment to last me a lifetime, but I wouldn't trade it for the world because I can't take any of it back, I can't change it, or take away what I did to you.
I won't change it, because I've felt what it feels like to be without the one thing you've always wanted, to lose the one thing that's meant more to you than anything else, and I won't let it happen again, I won't do that to either of us again because I won't let go, I won't lose you again.
If it means a lifetime of friendship I'll take it, if that's all you will ever let me be, I'll take it because I'd rather live with you as a part of my life, than without you at all"
Andy swiped away a stray tear, her hand visibly shaking as Sam let his words come to an end.
She let out a strangled breath before finding the courage to say what she had been feeling since she came home from Dakota.
"I don't trust me Sam, it was never about you. It was always me, how I could screw it up without even trying, how I made you pull away so fast that it broke us completely".
"What?" Sam wasn't really understanding what she was saying.
"I'm destined to screw it up, don't you get that? I couldn't even keep you happy enough to actually keep you; like you said I walk away. I've done it before, I'll do it again".
"Andy..."
"No Sam, it's over, there is no going back".
"Do you love me? Do you still feel anything?". Sam's voice came out so broken that Andy's heart broke.
"Sam..."
"It's a simple question Andy. Do you or don't you?".
Andy stayed quiet, refusing to give Sam an answer, so he decided to get one anyway he could.
Without warning he stepped into her personal space and looked down at her, and then he waited.
He was a patient man, he could wait here all night if he had to.
"Do you love me?" Sam whispered out, Andy's eyes stretching as she heard the question repeated.
It took every ounce of restraint he had to stand so close to her without being able to just reach out.
Sam tilted his head to the side and waited, Andy would eventually cave and answer.
Andy was starting to squirm under his gaze, it made her feel like he was looking right through her.
"No" she let the world slip out freely, every single feeling that she could muster put into those two letters as she said them.
Sam was waiting, and watching. Watching her so intensely just looking for that one telltale sign.
"You're a beautiful liar" he whispered out as soon as her word had gone cold.
Andy drew in a ragged breath, Sam's face pulling into a dimpled grin as he cocked his head to the other side and kept watching her.
He saw the signs before she said no.
She had schooled her face to as stoic as she could manage, she'd calmed her breathing and looked him in the eye when she answered.
But he saw through her lie, the truth so bright in her eyes that he wondered why he even bothered asking her the question.
Andy was blinking rapidly, her face awash with so many raw emotions at once that Sam couldn't help but reach out for her this time.
His hands met her arms and pulled her closer, her tiny steps moving her forwards voluntarily.
She was still tense, her body not entirely relaxing as he leaned in and swept her up into a tight hug.
Andy closed her eyes and relished in the feel of Sam as he wrapped her up in his embrace. She had missed this more than she even thought possible.
Slowly she moved, her arms returning his hold in one of her own.
It had been so long since she had felt like this, that she had almost forgotten what it felt like.
"Don't shut me out" Sam pleaded in her ear, his breath warm as it spread over her ear and cheek.
Andy nodded in reply, she wouldn't be able to, even if she wanted to.
"Don't make me leave without knowing where we go from here?" Sam added seconds later, Andy holding on a little tighter when she heard the word leave.
They stood there some more, this time in silence. Neither needed to say more right now, although Andy wanted too.
She wanted so badly to tell Sam the truth that even before she tried to lock it away, it sprang free.
"I... I still love you". She whispered into his shoulder as she tried to crawl a little closer.
"I know" Sam said into her hair, grateful that his face was hidden from view.
"You shouldn't, but you do, and I love you more because you do" Sam said feeling the need to return the words.
He felt Andy tense again, her expectations of him trying to cover up what he said making the mood slip into memories of their history.
"I always have"
This time his words made Andy pull away to look at him with tear stained cheeks and a lopsided smile before he tugged her back into his embrace.
"Always?".
"Even before I knew it. But it never went away".
"Then why tell me you didn't?" Sam asked, it was basically the only unanswered question he had left.
"I was trying to let you go"
Andy took a deep breath before saying anything else. "I know that this is the real thing, I just don't know if I'm ever going to not screw it up".
"Can I tell you something?" Sam whispered into her hair, pulling her a little closer when she nodded.
He only had one thing left to say.
"I guess you know this was all me right? The forgetting was a mental block?". Sam took a deep breath when Andy nodded again.
"Ever wonder why I did it?".
This time Andy shook her head, just a little but Sam knew that she had no idea.
"Because it was my way of getting us back. I screwed it up the first time, this was my way of forgetting it, and doing it all over again, and I guess it didn't work out that way did it?".
Andy lifted her head and looked at him wearing so much sadness that he regretted telling her his theory.
"I wanted you back so badly, I wanted to undo what I did so badly, and when the opportunity came I took it".
"Sam," she started, but Sam didn't let her finish. He shook his head before looking at her oddly.
"Stupid huh?" He asked.
Andy nodded before adding a sentence of her own. "Don't worry, I know the feeling. But it wasn't stupid, that was kind of sweet".
"Sweet?" Sam echoed and Andy blushed.
"Yup". Andy's face seemed to fall effortlessly, and Sam noticed it.
"What?".
"My own stupidity is the reason I kept saying no. When you asked me out, it was unfair to you to start anything. Then now, I just didn't know if you really knew what you were feeling". Andy sort of winced as she spoke. "I was trying to be the good guy here".
Her words made Sam chuckle as he took a slight step back and looked down at her. "Funny thing is, I forgot everything except how I feel. All along it was still there, I just didn't know how to handle it? Or how to read it?".
"Sam, it wasn't always there" Andy denied. She didn't want him adding to what was already pretty messed up.
"Do you um...". Sam stopped and smiled. This was kind of embarrassing. "Did Oliver ever tell you what I asked him when I woke up?".
Andy shook her head. Oliver kept private things just that- private.
"I had this dream that you were crying and I left you. And all I wanted to know was where you were and that you were okay".
"You were dreaming about me?" Andy kind of giggled it out. She blushed too, and she was sure that Sam was aswell.
"Yup" Sam said.
Short, sweet, simple and honest.
"So,". Andy shifted around and pulled back into her own space before looking Sam in the eye. "Where is this? Or where is it going?" She motioned between them seeking some kind of assurance.
"How about one step forwards at a time?" Sam asked although he really wasn't one for the whole baby step thing. But they needed a starting point, and Andy did not look like she had one.
The space that she put between them was starting to feel lonely, so Sam took a small step towards her and watched her reaction.
"Time and space?" She mumbled like it was hard to say those words.
"Not what I meant, but if you want.."
"What? No!" Her response was out in the open before he had a chance to finish his sentence.
"Then, what do you want?" Sam needed her to say it, say what he wanted to hear, what he'd been waiting to hear.
"Us? Only less complicated and a little neater".
Her choice of words made Sam let out a chuckle.
"Neat and tidy? Not going to happen. But us, now that's what I've always wanted to hear you say". Sam held his hand out towards her, his final way of asking her if she was in this.
When Andy stepped forwards, Sam expected her to take hold of his hand but instead her hands moved passed his extended one and soon he felt the familiar warmth of her hands on his face.
He was just about to ask her something when she fused her lips to his so softly that Sam felt like he was floating up in the air.
She was about to back away when Sam entwined his arms around her and pulled her closer, savoring the moment.
Sam broke the kiss off because he was hanging by a thin thread of self control. Andy let out a sound that sounded like a combination of his name and a growl.
"I need to leave" Sam said not really caring what that sounded like right now.
Andy opened her eyes and nodded to the side. She understood exactly what he meant and what he was doing.
"Okay" she stammered out and took a tiny step forwards. She gave him a light kiss on the cheek and then resumed her position a few feet away from him.
"Can we go out tomorrow?" Sam asked suddenly feeling nervous. "On a date?". He added looking sheepish.
"A date?" Andy echoed and blushed furiously.
Sam nodded and he could feel his dimples flare at her. He was actually asking her out on a date. Officially, and again.
"Maybe" Andy said sounding coy. Really coy.
They were still standing in her lounge, but Sam was feeling the need to sit down so he did and seconds later Andy sat down next to him.
"Maybe?" He challenged her.
"Yup. If I'm allowed to pick where and what?".
"Okay" Sam said not really sure that it was such a fantastic idea to accept her condition.
"See you at eight thirty? Here?" Andy had a really evil expression on her face. It made Sam almost reconsider.
"But, we can leave from the barn?" Sam argued.
"I know, but just humor me?"
Sam nodded, and their conversation ended there, but he had yet to get up and leave. Andy picked the remote up from the arm of the chair and then flipped between channels until she found something worth watching.
After a while she got comfortable and her head ended up in his lap, his fingers running up and down her arm as he too lost himself in whatever was on.
"This is nice" Sam suddenly blurted out for no apparent reason. But it was, it was nice to just be here like this.
"Mm-mm" Andy mumbled sounding like she was falling asleep.
"Andy, I should go" Sam mumbled leaning a little closer to her ear.
Andy nodded ever so slightly but she had yet to move.
"Andy". Sam tried again, but her arm seemed to want to wrap itself around his legs and hold him right where he was. "I'm not going anywhere" Sam added almost laughing it out.
"Finally, we agree on something". Andy said and sighed before scooting over and making space for Sam.
"So, you're going to make me sleep on your couch" Sam said finding his sense of humor.
"It's not like you're doing it alone" Andy giggled out as Sam shifted around and got comfy.
"You know I could get used to this" Sam said as Andy reached out for the remote and killed the TV, plunging the lounge into complete darkness.
"I kinda like the sound of that" Andy said before seeking Sam's hand out and wrapping it up in her own.
Sam smiled into the back of her hair, somehow sensing that she'd know he was. She knew him well enough to probably get a read on his silence now.
"So, this is official?" Sam suddenly said despite the fact that it just might cause another round of doubtful words.
"Is it?"
"Yup" Sam gave her the only word that was left to say.
He could feel Andy smile against his arm, the skin puckering under her warm breath.
Sam felt Andy relax after that, her body letting go of all the harbored feelings that had been there. He felt his own body do the same, a blissful feeling creeping through him.
This was cramped, and uncomfortable, and it was late and he was tired; but he wouldn't want to be anywhere else but right here, right now, with her.
With a sigh of contentment and a smile wide enough to light up downtown, Sam fell into peaceful sleep as images of Andy and little faces that looked like hers swept him away into his dreams.
The End.
****thanks for reading!
Hope you have enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it!
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Jelly Bean Jenna©