Chapter 36

The room felt very crowded. A pale Commander Shepard had perched herself on the sofa, her one leg outstretched for comfort. Her gaze was intense as she spoke of the last few days. Sitting on the steps beneath the aquarium, hugging her own knees to her chest, Abby could tell that she wasn't entirely welcome in the meeting. Under Miranda and Garus' gazes, she felt like an outsider and she could understand why. She had a feeling that why Jane did this and how had nothing to do with her. There was nothing that she could bring to this conversation, nothing her depression would allow her to.

She hated to admit it, but Abby was depressed.

She could list a lot of reasons for this quite easily, could even justify it. Hearing what Jane had done, had affected her more deeply than she had anticipated. The stress of the past few days, of Phora and her conflict with Asura, mixed in with the alien sense that she could've predicted this, could've warned Jane if only she had thought about the life that she had had before a little bit harder. All of it left her with a sense of desolation. Combined with the strongest feeling of homesickness that she had felt since arriving in this universe, Abby felt alien and out of her depth. She knew her depression was also a result of her disease. There was no denying it and it gave her some measure of comfort to know that it was temporary. She was overdue for a melding with Asura, but with all the chaos of the Normandy's arrival, she didn't feel as if she could afford to spend a day out of action.

And, along with her depression, Abby was just a little bit scared. The reapers were coming and she had no idea what the future held. She had never played the first game. Oh, she trusted that it would work out well. What was the purpose of constructing a game if there was no clear victory? But, it was going to be difficult. There were going to be losses. There were going to be sacrifices and Jane Shepard, the woman whom Abby should never have met, had just made the first one and was about to step right into the middle of the maelstrom that it had opened up.

So, Abby didn't really listen to what was being said. Rather, she found that she was listening to how Jane was saying it. Shepard spoke of Kenson, of what her team had been busy with, and what the scientists had found on the asteroid. She spoke of the reapers and their beacon, Object Rho, which Kenson had pinpointed to be some sort of doomsday clock, but had never bothered to let anybody know about. Her indoctrination must've been swift, seeded even before they began to plan the relay's destruction. She spoke of Kenson's betrayal and Jane's own encounter with Object Rho. Of the nightmares that she still had from the visions of destruction that it had imprinted on her mind. Jane never faltered as she spoke, addressing everybody, including her mother, in a level voice that held no shame or fear. Despite that, Abby could tell that Jane was hard on herself. She made no secret of it that she had realised that her attitude before Bahak had been wrong, that she should've approached all of this differently.

And she apologised for it.

"By not trusting any of you with this," Jane was saying. "By not trusting you to follow me, I turned my back on everything that this crew stood for, on what your friendships and council mean to me. I don't know what the future holds, but I suspect that our paths will start diverging from here. I am sorry that this is the act with which you will remember me."

Garrus snorted at this, his eye sharp. He was standing the closest to Abby and seemed the less distressed by what had happened.

"You had to make a call, Shepard," he pointed out. "By not taking any of us, you probably minimized the risk. After listening to what you said, I don't think an army could've done better." He shrugged, but his eyes grew sharper. "But, I don't think that throwing yourself at the Alliance is necessarily the best idea."

Behind her, Abby heard Jack breathe a whispered. "Fucking thank you." Probably because he had pointed out what she considered to be the obvious. Abby could immediately tell that the sentiment was shared by most in the room. Jane had turned her gaze on Garrus, her eyes equally sharp.

"I'm not throwing myself at the Alliance," she said. "Nor at the rest of the galaxy for their scrutiny. But I am going to change tactics. One thing none of you can deny is that, in the weeks since we have left the Omega 4 relay, we have made no difference in the galaxy's opinion about the reapers. None. And – if anything – Bahak has shown me that our time is running out. They are at our doorstep. If Kenson's protect had failed, they would've been swarming into this galaxy by now. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine what we would've done if that was the case?"

This time, everybody was a little bit more uncomfortable. Tali, sitting on Jane's bed, was the first to make a sound.

"Keelah," she whispered. "I have to... Shepard, I have to go and speak to the Migrant Fleet..."

Jane's face brightened as if Tali had had some sort of revelation. "Yes," she said. "Yes Tali, that is exactly what you have to do." She turned to Garrus. "That is what I want you to do. What I want all of us to start doing is to go to our respective people, to go to all of the corners of the galaxy and start warning people because the Council is not going to do it." She glanced at her mother. "The Alliance is unlikely to do so. It's up to all of us to start getting the message out there and preparing people."

Mordin was the first to nod. It was the first time in a few days that Abby had seen him, but as always, he appeared undeterred and unchanged.

"Good thinking," he pointed out. "Will discuss it with STG. Recent events will be conclusive proof. Perhaps. Will need data from Normandy..." He trailed off when the XO gave him a look.

Miranda shifted, tightening her arms across her chest.

"Commander," she said in a tone Abby had not heard her use since the first few hours of the game. It was formal, cautious, and filled with disapproval. "Cer... We have always agreed and determined that your voice is the strongest one needed. You are needed for this campaign..." She stopped speaking when Jane shook her head.

"I am one person, Miranda," she said, her tone level. "Not an army."

Her words seemed to lie heavily on the people in the room. Abby looked at them and then at Dr Chakwas who was seated on the couch beside Jane.

"So, I take it your mind has been made up," she pointed out. "What will you do now, Commander? Surrender yourself? Or wait for the galaxy to come for you."

Jane's reply was very level. "I will wait for Hackett," she said. "To my understanding, he is on his way. And then we shall see. We have a day or two to think about this. All of us." She gave them all a level look. "I am not against any other level-headed ideas. If you can think of anything between now and the time that Hackett comes, or I leave the Normandy, please come to me." Her brief glance in her mother's direction told Abby that the woman was not included in this invitation.

She almost laughed.

Almost.

When nobody said anything else, clearly needing more time to digest what they had heard, Jane shifted and slowly pushed herself up. Her gaze tightened with pain momentarily – which did not go unnoticed by her crew. The company shifted, uncomfortably.

"We should let you rest, Commander," Kelly spoke from the landing behind Abby, reminding the vet that she was there. "You are still recovering." Abby had a feeling that she said it because she felt that the others needed to be reminded. Jane glanced at her momentarily and there was definitely some gratitude in her eyes, especially when Chakwas nodded in confirmation.

"Remember what I said, Commander," the doctor added. "You can stay here if you adhere to the conditions I've set."

Jane nodded to this, which made the rest of those assembled shift awkwardly. Abby decided that it was time to get up, but waited for the others to start departing first. And for Jane to dismiss them herself. The commander wasn't quite ready to do that yet.

"I am available if you need to discuss this with me," she said in a tone that suggested she was going to finish with the conversation. "I don't take what happened lightly, nor what's going to happen next. I need you all to be serious about this, to think about what you anticipate will happen in the next few days."

Still standing behind Abby, Jack snorted and took a quick breath as if she wanted to say something. She never spoke however, making Abby wonder whether she had imagined it. Nobody else made any comments, but Miranda looked as if she had bitten something sour. She was the first to turn and go, with Jacob Taylor following close behind her. Jack also left quite quickly with Kelly, but Dr Chakwas lingered – first going to Jane for a few quiet words, then turning around to come to Abby as she started preparing herself to get up. The doctor's eyes were kind as she held out a hand, offering the support Abby was afraid she might've needed. Smiling at her, hoping that the doctor understood how grateful she was for not waiting for her to ask, Abby slipped her hand into Catherine's palm.

"Dr Gable," Jane spoke suddenly as the doctor pulled her up. "Can you stay for a moment, please?"

Abby, who had taken comfort from the fact that Chakwas didn't let her go until she was sure that she was steady on her feet, glanced at Jane uncomfortably. Garrus, who had been last to leave the room, gave her a disapproving look, but said nothing. Chakwas had caught his gaze however and glared at him before she turned to Abby.

"Come to the infirmary when you're done," the older woman said softly. "If you have time."

Abby nodded numbly and waited for the room to empty before she carefully went down the stairs. Her heart ached when she saw Jane's demeanour deflate a little as she slumped back down to the couch.

"Are you alright, Commander?" She asked softly and offered her a hand. "Can I help you to the bed?"

Jane's eyes, striking as usual, looked up and met hers with amusement. She took Abby's hand, but didn't put any weight on it until she was sure the vet was steady.

"Chakwas will be so proud of us if she finds me there," she pointed out. "Thank you, Abby." Abby didn't move away from her immediately, but leaned in and gave Jane a hug without asking her permission. The commander hesitated only briefly before she returned the gesture.

"I'm sorry, Jane," Abby whispered into the commander's neck, hugging her as tightly as she dared with her injuries. She felt Jane take a shaking breath and momentarily rest chin on her shoulder. Then the commander straightened and rubbed a hand over Abby's back.

"Why?" Jane asked. "You didn't do anything." There was amusement in her tone and, for a brief moment, Abby felt an unmentionable shame. In the life before this one, she had found solace in Jane's mission to save the galaxy.

"Maybe," she whispered as she pulled away from Jane, but continued to hold her, reminded that the commander also might need support. "But, I am sorry that you are in this position. You..." She hesitated. "I'm sorry there weren't any other options available. I would've liked to see you... have a choice."

Jane smiled sadly and allowed Abby to carefully guide her to the bed. The distance wasn't far, but Abby felt her tremble by the time that they reached it.

"I did make a choice," she said softly. "Never forget that. Besides, I guess..." Jane considered her own words for a moment, smiling sadly at Abby as the vet sat down on the bed beside her. "Can't we say the same about your position? You turned to Asura out of need. You are here on Omega, because of need. Because you have to be. I liked to bluff myself into thinking you had other options, but..." she trailed off and shrugged. "The reapers were my trigger. Your disease was yours."

Abby considered the words and shrugged. "I had a softer landing than you did. And it has changed now. It's taken a few days of severe introspection along with battling with my own doubt and... growing depression to realise that I love Asura." She smiled sadly. "I can accept the package regardless of the shape that it is in."

Clearly curious, Jane reached out and rested a hand on her leg. "What changed your mind?" She queried softly to which Abby shrugged again.

"Myself," she said honestly. "This was never a realisation that anybody could force on me, including Asura." Jane's hand tightened on her leg.

"Any regrets?"

Abby nodded whilst studying the commander carefully, wondering where she was going with this. "The past few days," she pointed out. "There are a few things I'd have done differently, even in the past few weeks. I wish that I had been kinder to her, more considerate. But that is what relationships are about, no? Rebuilding on the mistakes that cleared the path for that growth." She hesitated. "Why are we talking about this?"

The look Jane gave her was long and weighing. "Becuase I want to know that you will be alright," she pointed out finally. Abby twitched involuntarily and on impulse put her hands between her legs.

"After..." The vet began slowly, her mind drawing the connections between what the commander was saying and what she had said before. "After the Alliance comes for you." It was a statement, not a question and it made Jane smile sadly as she nodded.

"I'm not going to let my mother take the fall for this," she pointed out. "Even if it means getting Catherine to sedate her and leave her with you."

Abby had to chuckle at this. "I'll take care of her if that is what you decide," she said dutifully and meant it. Jane's smile was rewarding and the kind of smile Abby could understand people would go to war for.

"I know," the commander said, her voice light with approval and respect. "I doubt it will come to that, but I do have something to ask. And something to give in return..."

Abby replied quickly, taking Jane's hand in hers. "I don't need anything," she pointed out but Jane squeezed her hand and shook her head.

"Maybe," the commander said. "But I still need to know that both you... and Asura will be alright if I cannot come to your aid."

Uncomfortable, Abby looked to the floor. "We will be alright," she whispered. "We won't do... I just want to grow my practice. My... shared existence with Asura. I know that the reapers are coming, but... I can't think about that. I have to believe that we will be alright. I..." She cut herself short suddenly, but Jane picked up on it immediately.

"What?"

Blushing, Abby continued slowly. "I believe in you," she pointed out and felt her cheeks burn with shame. "I'm sorry, I know it's not just your responsibility. You're right. You are not an army and it's notyour job to... fix this. But I know that you will inspire others to... take up the fight." She looked away from the commander. "Don't think that you've failed, Jane." She didn't know where the last came from.

Jane's hand tightened in hers. "I don't," she said, but her voice caught a little. "The... terrible thing is that I feel this is one of the first things I have done right. I don't think the others see this, but..." She trailed off, struggling to express herself, but Abby already knew what she was going to say.

"But you feel as if you have finally delivered the first, vital blow," she finished the sentence for Jane. "In a fight nobody wants to see."

Jane's eyes grew fierce. "They will have to see it now," she insisted to which Abby nodded. She considered Jane's words for a moment, then allowed her mind to return to the subject they had been discussing.

"What do you want me to do, Jane?" she asked softly. "You don't have to give me anything in return. You have given me enough."

She was surprised to find that Jane had tears in her eyes and it was hard to figure out what emotion lay behind them. Exhaustion, gratitude and perhaps even uncertainty.

"Take care of Samara," Jane breathed. "I don't know how long her recovery will take. And I don't know how long I will be able to be here. So... Just take care of her, please."

Abby had to stare at the commander. "Jane, you don't even have to ask that of us," she pointed out sincerely. "Asura is there right now. She is..." She didn't say it, but a word came to her lips. Family. Jane didn't pick up on it, but closed her eyes with some measure of relief.

"Thank you," she breathed and took a steadying breath. "Something no one else must know, something you have to protect Samara against is that... She..." Jane's eyes were filled with endless sorrow when they finally touched Abby's. "She did this with me, Abby. She stood beside me as I threw the switch that killed all those people. I expect things to become very tough. I don't want her to be a part of it."

Nodding slowly, Abby tried to envision the future but couldn't. What will it be like when the reapers come?

Jane saw something in her that she wasn't willing to admit to herself. Not completely.

"You're scared."

Not wanting to burden the commander with her emotions, Abby shook head. "For you," she pointed out. "Not... for myself." Jane's gaze exposed her lie, but the woman had the grace to smile.

"You should be," she pointed out. "A little. Things are going to start becoming rough. Especially here, where humans are already not very popular. It's one of the reasons I wanted you to be present here. You need to know what's happening and why." She hesitated. "I also want you to tell Aria what happened. She will find out eventually, so I think it will mean a lot of it comes from you."

The idea didn't make Abby feel very comfortable. She looked at their entwined hands.

"Don't you want to do so?" she pointed out. "Explain to her, I mean. I might get it wrong..."

Jane's grip was fierce and almost painful suddenly. "I don't intend to explain myself to anybody," she pointed out. "That I choose to share this with Aria is a courtesy. I don't even want you to make it sound as if it came from me. If anything, make Aria believe you shared this against my wishes. Give her something she might consider valuable, even if it is just an act of good faith."

Abby was still uncomfortable, but said nothing. Jane made sure to meet her gaze.

"This is all I can give you, Dr Gable," she pointed out. "It is the only thing that I can do to ensure that you will be taken care of. Even if it is by Aria. I would rather have her watching over you than nobody at all."

Abby didn't dare look at Jane, her mind turning to the moment she found Aria in her practice with one of her dancers' poodles so that the pirate queen could kick Phora out. "You don't owe me anything," Abby said finally, her voice quiet. "If anything, I will... always be in your debt. Through meeting you, I was given a second chance at life. I had... no hope or dreams before Banrio. Meeting you gave me a reason to live again."

Jane's gaze was strangely alight, as if she knew a secret that Abby had not yet told her.

"One day you must tell me where you come from," she said with a small smile. "Really."

Her words chilled Abby, but also – strangely enough – for just a moment she considered telling Jane everything. To tell her the truth of her existence, of her perceived history. Of the world where Jane's life had been a game and her fate to fight the reapers and claim victory already decided. Because that was the way games were supposed to work. But, she didn't have the courage to do so and looked away ashamed. The worst was she could tell that Jane wasn't judging her. Instead, she squeezed her hand tightly.

"Take this information to Aria," she said again. "It will mean a lot to her. And me."

Shifting, trying to flee her own internal shame, Abby gave Jane a serious look.

"I feel as if you are saying goodbye to me," she pointed out. "I feel as if I will never see you again if I leave this room."

Chuckling, Jane made a dismissive gesture as if she could swipe the idea from Abby's mind.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure you'll see a lot of me on the news soon enough," the commander pointed out, but Abby wasn't amused.

"It won't be the same," she replied. "I'm over simply turning on the tellie to spend some time with you."

The commander gave her a curious look then carefully reached out and touched her cheek. Her hand, trembling as Abby's did in that moment, entangled itself in the vet's dark hair and carefully pulled her face forward. Barely breathing, Abby allowed Jane to completely the gesture, feeling a faint electric shock when the commander pressed their foreheads together. The room was silent as their bodies were bent towards each other, almost as if they were in prayer together.

"You'll see me again, Abigail," the woman whispered, her breath hot on Abby's lips and face. "I have a feeling that our lives are deeper entwined than I can understand or imagine."

The strange thing was, Abby had the urge to kiss Jane. It wasn't out of passion or attraction, but it was from a deep, inherent need to feel closer to the woman and to communicate through to her how much she meant to her. She raised her own trembling hand, touched Jane's cheek and carefully rested her lips against the other.

Maybe in another life, she had once said. I was you.

Jane accepted the gesture, her fingers playing in Abby's hair for a few seconds before they found the tears that had migrated down Abby's cheek and wiped them away. The movement grounded Abby, who pulled away from the commander and took a steadying breath. She looked around Shepard's bedroom, at her fish and at the hamster on her bookcase.

Why haven't I noticed it before?

"Should I... take your hamster?" she queried. "I can take care of it. Keep it at the practice."

Jane smiled but shook her head. "Rumour has it there's a loose varren there," she said with a small smile. "Besides, I was thinking of giving it to Miranda. She might need something to nurture her softer side."

Laughing, Abby quickly put her hand over her mouth to stop it lest the XO was listening in on their conversation. "I'm sure she'll take good care of it," she said dutifully and took a steadying breath, looking back to Jane and wondering, not for the first time, what had brought her to this world.

"I guess I should go. Let you rest."

Jane didn't protest, but gave her a warm smile as she settled back on the bed.

"I will try and keep in contact," the commander promised. "I just don't want to draw unnecessary attention to you."

Abby nodded, appreciating the gesture, but also knowing that even if people looked at her in depth, they would find very little. She got up, bracing herself for the separation to come, for the future that lay before them like a dark chasm. Shepard was still studying her, her gaze filled with regret.

"I'll try and see you later," she said. "Goodbye, Dr Gable."

With a heavy heart, Abby nodded. "And I you," she said softly. "Rest. Get well. If you need anything from me, just ask."

Saying the last words hurt.

"Goodbye, Commander Shepard. I'll see you again if the moment presents itself."