Chapter 20: Remembrances

Part 2

There was nothing more to be said. The studious avoidance of questions and answers lengthened into greyed silence. Almost tangible, that quiet seemed a shroud - its decayed threads harsh against the mouth, the clouds of dusty disbelief catching at the back of the throat with might-have-beens and why-nots and worry.

Of the three, Obi-Wan seemed the most silent. Atel had tried to engage him in conversation but he would not answer and she finally gave up. Instead, he sat alone on the far bed, legs tangled in meditative pose, somber, looking at no one. Deeply breathing, eyes dulled in contemplation, he seemed the very picture of serenity. But it would be a lie.

Beneath it all, the doubt and unacknowledged guilt of what the morrow would bring pulled at his heart, no matter how much he would wish it otherwise. Still, he tried over and over again to reach a quiet tranquility within the Force without success.

But Atel was not so subtle. Tomorrow would bring about many changes for them all but it would appear that she was worried. She kept glancing at him, frowning concern.

Amid all the uneasy silence, she bustled about the cabin, then finally settled down to repair Obi-Wan's torn tunic. When she'd finished and he had still said nothing, it was clear that she had finally had enough. Sighing, she put away the cloth and gently touched his arm. The slightest edge of exasperation colored her voice, "Master, it's getting late. You've hardly slept in days and you need to rest for tomorrow's Council meeting." He looked at her, weary, his face stretched thin with the mission's concerns, "I know you haven't been meditating. Even a youngling would know that."

He was about to protest, but then glancing at the Bendu for a moment, he accepted that there was nothing else he could do. "You are right, Atel. A fresh start in the morning."

"Perhaps we could spar before breakfast, Master." They both loved the give and take of lightsaber training and it might help him regain his balance.

She said, "There is a small gymnasium on the lower decks and it has been a while since we've practiced together."

"Very well. And shared meditation might be helpful."

"I would like that." She sent him a brilliant smile. "I'll take the top bunk since I'm the shortest one here." Nodded toward the Bendu, she asked, "Your sleeping clothes are in the pack but we have nothing for him. Master Jinn could use the robe that the ship provided, I suppose."

Qui-Gon spoke up. "Thank you for your concern, Padawan. That will do fine." But when Obi-Wan started to speak, the Bendu held up his hand. "Tomorrow will be soon enough for further discussion. It has been a long day and I would like to get some rest."

The resolute tone in Qui-Gon's voice told him that nothing more would be gleaned by protesting, at least for tonight. With quiet acknowledgement, he merely nodded and turned away.

A quick flurry of preparation and then all was quiet - until well after midnight ship-time.

Obi-Wan woke with a start. It was silent in the cabin except for a soft snore that told him that his Padawan was still sleeping peacefully in the upper bunk. He looked about the room, trying to see what had startled him out of a much-needed rest. A subtle flash of movement by the window and he could see Qui-Gon's face; the random pulse of streaking starlines colored the sharp planes of frown and anxious eyes into chalk and charcoal.

Qui-Gon was leaning forward, his large hands splayed wide against the walls, pushing, driving forward as though trying to melt through the ship's skin and fly away. The aura of troubled meditation seemed to cloak him in doubt, the Force's usually crystal currents sweeping past in muddied movement.

Obi-Wan could feel the remorse, almost see it. He put his own misgivings aside. Like it or not, he knew that his Master would do what he thought was right, even to the sacrifice of his life if he thought the need great enough. But he also knew that uncertainty crept in with the quiet hours.

Accepting that he could not help but only support his Master in this, he got up silently and padded bare-foot to Qui-Gon's side. Standing there patient and still, he waited for him to achieve peace.

It was a long time coming. Finally, Qui-Gon drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Drawing upright, he seemed to gather the disciplined calm about him as if it were a protective cloak, shielding him. But he continued to gaze out at the vastness beyond, refusing to meet Obi-Wan's eyes.

"Do you ever wonder why the Force asks so much of us, Obi-Wan?"

"Many times, Master." Then, he stood silent, waiting, giving Qui-Gon the space he needed to question the fast-approaching future and the consequence of choices made.

A heartbeat later, he murmured, "I do what I feel I must, no matter the cost." A muscle in his jaw ticked once, twice, his spirit's disquiet now apparent in bone and flesh. "But there are times when I wish it were otherwise."

"You would not be human if you had no doubts, Qui-Gon." Obi-Wan sent him a brief smile, one that offered warmth and fond memories to lighten the darkness. "Although I must admit that I thought you so thoroughly sure of yourself when I first became your student. No indecisions, no questions about who you were and your place in the Galaxy or mine."

With a low rumble of amusement and a quick shake of his head at the foibles of youth, Qui-Gon replied, "You were very young then, with your own uncertainties. Believe it or not, I frequently have doubts about my own decisions. My own heart had often led me astray and much of our history together should have taught you that."

Obi-Wan's grin grew wider. "Well, there were times."

"My poor Learner." Qui-Gon's eyes lit briefly. He must have been remembering their tumultuous past but then the blue gaze clouded into regret. "Obi-Wan, I don't want to go to Coruscant, not like this - prison and the possibility of never seeing my family again."

"Master, it's not too late."

"No, the Force wills that I go to the Temple. I have no doubt of that. But I must admit that I am human enough to fear what lies ahead."

Obi-Wan was startled by the confession. His old Master rarely admitted to weakness, and in the past few hours, he had seemed so sure of the rightness of his actions, accepting the inevitability of it all with measured calm. But perhaps now he might listen to alternatives. "Qui-Gon, if you would only let me help you, the Council might be made to see reason."

Qui-Gon sighed into regret. "You fight for what you believe is right; I cannot fault you for that."

Turning to face him, Obi-Wan gazed at the weathered face and solemn eyes. "But you will still refuse."

"I know you mean well and a small part of me wishes I could accept." Laying one hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder, Qui-Gon squeezed slightly, warmth and homecoming in a simple touch, and then he let go. "Obi-Wan, of my own heart, I have many doubts but none about what I must do. Tomorrow, I will face the Council; the Force demands it. But I would prefer that you not be caught up in the inevitable cross-fire. Do not sacrifice your future for our past together."

Nodding in resignation, Obi-Wan said, "I think that Atel would agree with you."

Qui-Gon sent a quick glance toward the sleeping Padawan. "She has made her feelings quite clear."

"Too clear." Annoyance and love intermingled in the assessment of his young protégé.

"She does remind me of a mother sandpanther, fiercely defending her kitling against all danger. In a way, it is comforting to know that she cares for you that much." But then the amusement turned to worn regret, "I never wanted you to be alone, Obi-Wan. And you seem to partner well together."

He frowned at that. Concerned about what it might mean, he said, "Usually we do. But her jealousy still worries me."

"Even now, she believes that, in some small way, I am a threat to her. From her point of view, she is probably right." Qui-Gon looked at the gently-sleeping Padawan and nodded once, "But her fear of me will pass soon enough."

"And you will be gone."

"Yes." The emotions of the moment thinned into heavy acceptance.

But even as Qui-Gon nodded and turned away, Obi-Wan stopped him. There was one burning question that might never be answered if he did not ask it now. And although it had nothing to do with the investigation, it had a great deal to do with the past and his present.

"Qui-Gon...," Obi-Wan swallowed hard, then said, "Why didn't you ever try to contact me? All those years and not a word."

The Bendu blinked at his question, pained astonishment skittering across his face and settling into his somber eyes. "Padawan, I tried many times. There were never any replies. Until you told me about the punishment you received, I believed that you had decided to take my advice and move on."

"Do you know me so little then?" His frown burrowed deep, and resentment lingered there.

Qui-Gon shook his head but then he caught the grey gaze and held it steady. "Obi-Wan, you were my brightest and best pupil, and a friend I missed very much. But you are also a realist. I knew that you would mourn my dismissal but you had a brilliant career ahead of you. If you remember, I was the one that suggested you not contact me and I thought you had decided to honor that. What else could I believe?"

Much as he wanted to deny it, it did make sense. But the resentment still lingered for a moment before muddying into perplexity. "I never received any messages."

"Obi-Wan..." Qui-Gon sighed, shrugging off old pain. "Each time I tried to contact you, I was told that you had accepted delivery and that there was no reply."

"Who told you such a thing?" Obi-Wan's frown deepened, cutting into his face with sharpened edges. And the Force seemed to flow, fast and clouded, about him as he realized that the years of denial and guilt had been based on lies - again.

The memory of those long ago days still pained him. The weeks, the months without a word and Obi-Wan had slowly come to accept that Qui-Gon did not want to see him again. He had had no idea that Qui-Gon might have thought he was the one who refused the connection.

So much misunderstanding - Obi-Wan had to wonder if it was coincidence or something more.

But it would appear that the Jedi had nothing to do with keeping them apart when Qui-Gon said, "The chief aide in Supreme Chancellor Palpatine's office. She was handling all of my correspondence for a while as a favor to Queen Amidala."

"Why not send it directly?" He could not understand why there was any need for an intermediary.

But the answer was simple. "Obi-Wan, I had very little money for hand-delivered messages and I was sure that any HoloNet transmissions that I could send would be rejected by the Temple's staff and even they cost more than a few credits this far out. The Supreme Chancellor was grateful for my help in the Battle of Naboo and as a small token of his esteem as he put it, he arranged for my correspondence to get to Coruscant."

"That's odd." Another problem to ponder but a small thing in the midst of all the rest.

"I agree, but with all the problems I was facing at that moment, I thought it best." He sighed, "Besides, I believed that messages sent through the Chancellor's office might be more likely to be delivered."

"You were probably right. Politics play a large part in the Order now." His frown turned into thoughtful contemplation, "Once things have settled down, I'll try and find out what happened."

But Obi-Wan still wanted to know why there had been no word in those first few months. It nagged at him, a kind of long-ago frustration and time-worn regret. "Master, when you left the Temple, it was almost as if you had vanished. I contacted friends, went to places I thought you might frequent but nothing. You were just gone..."

Folding his arms about him, looking weary-worn almost as if phantom cold was seeping into his spirit, Qui-Gon said softly, "I felt that I needed some time alone, far from friends and the hungry eyes of the curious - all eager to find out what had happened. I was... ashamed of my failure."

"Failure? Master, it wasn't your fault." Exasperation colored his voice.

"I know that now but at the time, it was unprecedented. There had never been Jedi dismissed without cause before. And I needed to consider out what I was going to do next."

Obi-Wan pointed out the obvious, "You could have contacted me."

"I did meditate on the possibility." Qui-Gon looked away for a moment; memory seemed to draw lines of pain on his face. "But I realized that I should not communicate with you. Not before the six month deadline. I was being followed, monitored and I did not want to pull you down with me."

"Qui-Gon, that would not have mattered to me."

"But it did matter... to me. On the day the six months were up, the observations stopped. I sent messages via the Chancellor's office to you, to Dex and to Oddo and Astri and our other friends. But no replies."

Obi-Wan remembered again the feelings of frustration and helplessness at trying to reconnect with his old Master and failing miserably. No one had known what happened to Qui-Gon Jinn: not their mutual friends, not his contacts, no one. It had been a dark time for him.

Qui-Gon must have felt something of the same because anger bled into his voice. "By the time I could afford to send my own messages, they had disappeared and the Temple... well, let's just say the Temple was less than helpful in that regard."

Obi-Wan's eyes narrowed at the changes within the Temple; it had been very different before the dismissals.

"We were not allowed to correspond with former Jedi, and by then, I had been punished enough to stop looking..."

Qui-Gon smiled just a little, as if to make Obi-Wan understand that all was well between them even after the hard years of loneliness and regret. "Obi-Wan, you are a brave and honorable man. And withstood more than most. Don't diminish what you have accomplished."

A fleeting acknowledgement of the gentle reproof, and then Obi-Wan let out a snicker, nodding at the irony. "So we are a pair then - the rogue who would protect his former Padawan by not breaking the rules and the rule-bound Jedi who insisted on breaking them."

"It appears that we are well-matched."

"I knew that the first day I met you." Exasperation and the hint of an amused laugh brushed the air.

"And now you are a Jedi Knight, as you had always dreamed you would be. I am very glad. But enough for now. It is growing late."

He began to turn away, back to the bed he had left some time before but Obi-Wan stopped him with a firm hand. "Qui-Gon, before you go. I've missed our training sessions. Spar with me tomorrow."

Qui-Gon smiled, nodding his delight at the suggestion. "Of course. I've missed them, too. We shall see what you have forgotten."

"And what I have learned." Obi-Wan's eyes lightened at the jest.

"Yes and what you have learned. I look forward to it."