Chapter 36:

'I can't stand you'

Michonne sat on the bathroom floor in her wedding dress, which was created by the knees from where she had gathered the material up so she could walk. She dabbed her cheeks with a balled up tissue and dropped her head back against the cabinet, exhausted both physically and mentally.

The bathroom door opened, and Rick stepped in, switching on the light. He froze when he saw her, his eyes moved like pinballs as he took in the scene before him. He slowly inhaled, closing the bathroom door behind him.

"You know… I think it's a little worrying that you're sitting in the dark, crying… Hours after our wedding", He crouched down and took a seat beside her.

A small smile began to tug on the corners of her lips as she played with the tissue.

"I think I know why…"

She sniffed, her gaze still low as the smile faded, "I threw up…"

He brought his knees up, resting his arms on them, his own gaze on the bathtub in front of them.

"I only remembered when you brought it up. I had two glasses of wine-"

"Michonne-"

"I don't know what's wrong with me", the tears began falling hard and fast, "I'm so detached from this child… and it's not that I don't want to love it because I do- I so badly do… I want to feel that same, indescribable attachment that I feel for Carl and Judith… I felt it with our last baby, but with this one… It's like I'm not wired right. That feelings not there and it's… I just feel like I'm not meant to be a mother to anyone else. I lost that right when I lost him, and this is… my punishment. I'm blessed with this little, tiny person inside me… that I don't even deserve"

Rick's head raised from its bowed position. He dragged both his hands over his face, his eyes wet with tears, "I hate that you feel that way Michonne"

She didn't bother to look at him. Her gaze stayed on the tissue, which was damp from her tears.

"You slipped up… all this is hurting you in a way that I can only understand to an extent, but I don't think you'd feel the way you do if you didn't love this child, It wouldn't chew you up this way…", He reached over and held her hand, "I think things are gonna happen differently this time around, because of what happened the last time, and it won't be easy, but you'll get there-"

"What if I don't?", She frowned, annoyed with his choice of words, "What if the baby comes and I still feel nothing? Then what? Do we just sit back and wait until I just magically start to feel something?"

He shook his head, "I don't think it'll last that long-"

"Why? What makes you think that?", She snatched her hand away from his, "What can you see that I can't? This isn't something you can sweep under the rug and just hope it will rectify itself-"

"I am not saying that, Michonne", He issued in a firm tone, "That's far from what I'm saying-"

"I don't love my baby, Rick!", She looked at him with angry eyes, her fists balled on her lap, "Do you know what kind of person that makes me?! I don't deserve to carry this child if I don't love it! I don't deserve to be called a mother if I only love some of my children! I make myself sick right now and I just I wish I was someone else! Someone who doesn't have this problem, someone who found out they were pregnant and fell in love instantly and had a textbook pregnancy without all the other ugly stuff!"

He raked his fingers through his hair, silent for a few seconds, looking everywhere but at her, "I'm so sorry that you feel this way"

She dropped her head back again, finished with her outburst. She knew it wasn't fair for her to unload that part of her mind on him in such a way, especially on their wedding night, but she couldn't bottle it up anymore, "So am I"

"I don't know… I don't have a clue, how to get you through this. I wish I did, but I'm stuck here…", His legs sank to the floor, and he offered her his hand, "I will do whatever it takes to help you. I will do everything… and anything I can"

She looked down at his hand with puffy eyes.

"I don't want you to go through this alone. I won't allow that".

She released a long, exasperated sigh, placing her hand on his, and he squeezed it as he brought it up to his lips, kissing the back of her hand.

"I'm sorry", She whispered, feeling as if she had ruined such a special day for the two of them.

"Don't apologise. I mean that. As much as it pained me to hear… you finally told me how you felt. And that's all I wanted"

She scooted closer to him, and he encased her in his arms. All the tension she held seeped away, and she moulded to him.

"...You think we should talk about it more? You haven't even seen a doctor yet?"

She closed her eyes as she gave a little nod, "Maybe... "

"...We'll try that then…"

…

"Is that our plane?"

"It is", Michonne stood holding Judith's hand by the large windows at the airport. The sun had barely risen, and yet they were all wide awake, and in some instances, grumpy.

"Can I sit by the window?", Judith questioned, a smile beginning to spread on her face.

"Of course you can. Mama's stomach can't handle that view".

"Yes", Judith made a fist and punched the air in excitement, causing Michonne to chuckle.

"Oh Judy… Mama loves you so much", She dropped her arm around her daughter's shoulders, holding her against her hip.

"I love you too, mama", Judith chirped back.

"Hey, mom".

Carl approached them with his father, holding a little green bag in his hand.

"Show your mother and your sister your little gift for Lauren. One of them might end up wearing it instead of Lauren, if her father has anythan' to do with it", Rick muttered tiredly.

Carl side eyed his father as he reached inside the bag and retrieved a silver necklace with a dolphin pendant on the end.

"That's pretty!", Judith stepped forward to get a closer look, "Is that a dolphin?"

"It is", Carl nodded, letting her hold it, "You think Lauren will like it?"

The little girl looked up at him, "Is that the girl that daddy shouted at you in front of?"

"It is", the teen confirmed flatly.

Judith looked back at the necklace, "I think she'll like it… but you should put it in a pretty box like the ones daddy gives mama…"

Carl's shoulders fell, "I'm not rich, Judy"

"Neither am I", Rick scoffed as he took a seat in the row of chairs by the window.

Michonne wore a warm smile as she joined him, loving to watch her family interact with each other, "It's very cute, Carl. I'm sure she'll love it"

The teen looked pleased as he put it back in the bag.

"You alright?", Rick asked, resting his hand on her knee once she crossed her legs.

"Yeah", She placed her hand on top of his, "You?"

He sighed, tugging his baseball hat down further with his free hand, "I wanna take a nap or somethan'-"

"We should be boarding in the new thirty minutes. You can nap on the flight"

He groaned, sinking lower into his chair.

"Daddy, can I sit next to Carl and Gerald on the plane?", Judith requested sweetly.

"You don't wanna sit with me and your mama?"

The little girl's eyes roamed around as she thought of a way to let him down gently.

"Of course you can sweetie", Michonne glanced at Rick.

Judith beamed, turning back to the window.

"You want me all to yourself, huh?", Rick grinned as he whispered to her, but to her horror, he wasn't quite enough, as Carl looked at them both with a mortified expression from the seat beside his father.

"Gross!", He shuddered, pulling his hood up and taking out his phone.

Rick snickered, giving Michonne's knee a little squeeze.

She glanced behind her, looking for the rest of her family, "Where is everyone?"

Rick mimicked her, "Mom and Sharon went to the bathroom. I think your dad might be waiting for them… and there's Jeffrey and Gerald"

Her brother in law and nephew strolled towards them, both looking as tired as she felt. Jeffrey sat beside her, while Gerald joined Carl.

"That our plane?", the man asked, resting his elbows on his knees as he leaned forward.

"It is", She answered, taking in his bothered state, "What's wrong?"

He sighed, pulling his cap down, the same way Rick had just done moments before, "Grimes men don't like flying. At all"

Michonne frowned, turning her head to look at Rick, "You're not afraid of flying?"

"Not afraid. Just don't like it", Rick corrected.

Her mouth fell agape, surprised to learn such a thing about him after all these years, "What? Why- how am I just learning this?"

Her husband shrugged, "It never came up"

Her eyes widened, "Just last week I asked you to tell me a secret-"

"It's not a secret though. And we haven't flown anywhere for me to have to talk about it either"

She rolled her eyes as she crossed her arms, "To think I had to get you in front of a plane to find this out"

"Stop it".

Jeffrey bit his lip as he tried not to smile, swiftly changing the subject, "Oh, Daryl told me that y'all saw Mrs Hanson?"

Michonne's eyes had barely settled before they rolled right back over to Rick.

He slowly nodded, keeping his gaze straight ahead, "Yeah. She stopped by the department…"

"She moved back to town, huh? Ain't that nice. She was a great teacher"

"Yeah, she was"

Michonne stared at the side of Rick's head, while he continued to avoid her gaze, "Mrs Hanson? She was your high school teacher right?"

His eyes finally slid over to her, "Yeah"

"You saw her? How is she? I would have loved to have met her?"

"Ain't she planning a reunion or somethan'? That's what Daryl said", Michonne loved that Jeffrey volunteered the information that her husband didn't.

Michonne eyebrows shot up, "Oh! Well isn't that nice?"

"Stop it", Rick muttered under his breath in a biting tone.

"We definitely have to go to that. I would absolutely love to meet the woman that kept Rick so captivated as a teen", She gave him one of her teasing smiles, "If only she knew how much of an influence she had on you"

Rick pursed his lips in annoyance as he glared at her.

She looked away innocently, though she meant every word she said. She did want to see the woman that Rick used to lust over when he was a teen, as she was always so interested in his life before her. Also, she wanted to finally see the woman who spawned his favourite fantasy.

While Michonne hated hearing key information from anyone else but Rick, she wasn't going to let it sour her mood. She was actually looking forward to the vacation, and she couldn't wait to have five whole days of nothing but relaxation. After such an emotional ending to her wedding night, she wanted nothing more than to clear her mind, and enjoy herself with her family.

…

The ship was a grand one, with beautiful decor throughout. Michonne was in awe, and like the rest of her family, she wanted to go and explore it all, but instead she found herself going head to head with Rick when they were due to leave their suite.

Ha hadn't said anything to her, but she knew what he was thinking when his eyes trailed up and down the white, strapless dress she wore. He raised an eyebrow at her in a questioning manner, and so she crossed her arms, her shoulders rolled back, and her lips poised to shoot down any argument he had.

"I can see your nipples from all the way over here"

She bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself from smiling. She wished he didn't make her laugh the way he did, "I haven't put a bra on yet"

"So you're really wearing that dress?", his expression was an unimpressed one.

She tilted her head at him, "What's wrong with it?"

"It looks tight-"

"Why don't you just say that you don't like it?"

"Because I don't dislike it. Far from it actually. I already know what effect it's having on me so I can only imagine that once we leave this room, I won't be the only one looking"

She shrugged, "There's probably going to be women and men walking around in less. It's hot and this is light and I'm comfortable"

"You should be comfortable. It fits like a second skin-"

"Are you done?", She rolled her eyes as she stepped into the bedroom, "We need to leave. I want to see what this 'kids club' is"

"I'm waiting on you"

She grabbed her strapless bra from the bed and put it on in record speed. She pulled her hair up into a ponytail, then grabbed her purse before joining Rick in the living area. She stopped to inspect his outfit choice, which was really her outfit choice for him. He wore a black and white, striped pair of long shorts, with a white t-shirt and white shoes, and she was proud of herself for getting him out of his usual attire.

"I can't even remember the last time I saw your ankles", She teased, but her smile quickly faded, "Take the cap off-"

"No. I like it", He frowned as he opened the front door, tugging his black cap further down.

"I can't stand you", she snarled, walking out into the cabin hallway.

"Oh, there you both are!"

Susan and Donald were already stood with Carl and Judith, while Sharon was a little further away, with her own family. Lauren looked sheepish, planted between her parents, and Michonne couldn't help but dislike the way the girl's father was nearly glaring at Carl.

Her eyes slid over to Rick, who seemed to have already picked up on the unwelcoming look, as he muttered to her, "I'm watching him".

"We all ready?", Jeffrey asked as he stepped out of his room with Gerald in tow.

"We're just getting everyone together", Michonne's father answered, taking hold of Judith's hand, "You ready to look around honey?"

"I'm hungry", Judith announced, ignoring her grandfather's question.

"Yeah me too", Carl piped, looking to Michonne.

"Are we getting something to eat?", Gerald's eyes lit up, darting at all the adults.

Michonne ignored Rick's groan from beside her, "What time are they serving lunch?"

"In about an hour if I remember correctly", Her father glanced down at his watch, causing the three youngest of the family to let out an exaggerated moan.

"Well get them some snacks to tide them over", Susan instructed, resting her hand on Carl's back, "My poor grandbabies need to eat"

"Hey everyone!", Sharon approached them, with a warm but cautious smile, "Just want to introduce you all to my daughter, Carolyn, her husband Carter and my granddaughter Lauren"

The group all exchanged brief greetings, and Michonne kept her eyes on Carter the whole time. While she would never get over what had happened with Carl and Lauren, she didn't like to see the man looking at her son in such a way, as Carl had suffered enough at the hands of his own father.

The group began there stroll around the ship, and Michonne found herself creating a barrier between Carl and his girlfriend's parents, making sure the teen walked ahead of her. She was sure Rick was doing the same thing, as he would rest his hand on Carl's shoulder whenever he began to lag behind.

"Well hello there! I'm Vicky, one of the big sisters here at the kids club"

A petite blonde woman appeared in front of them, wearing a bright yellow t-shirt and shorts, her eyes darting all over the members of the group. The kids club was located towards the front of the ship, in a hall that was heavily decorated with a pirate theme.

"We already signed the kids up, from the Parker family?", Donald informed, glancing behind him, at Michonne, "I think all the parents should come take a look at what's going on".

Rick, Michonne and Jeffrey all approached the front desk, while Carter and Carolyn chose to look at the notice board a few feet away.

"We have a teens club too, where we take them to do more age appropriate things which are still fun, like rock-climbing, bowling, ice skating, we have a surfing pool and we also have a disco in the evening, just for the teens. Which is heavily supervised of course", Vicky informed as she handed out brochures to the parents.

"Cool", was all Carl could manage to muster.

"The kids club is similar, but we prefer to do a lot of activities here, such as painting, singing, dancing, we have an indoor jungle gym and soft play area for them, but we do take them swimming, and to the theatre, where we have so many shows just for kids", Vicky looked down at Judith with a wide smile, "Does that sound like something you would like to do, pretty girl?"

Judith nodded, though she looked a little unsure, "Yeah"

"We're going to have lots of fun then aren't we? Then your mommy can come get you at the end of the day and you can tell her all about it!"

"She'd probably tell her dad first", Michonne smirked as she smoothed Judith's hair back.

"Oh sweet! You're a little daddy's girl, huh? And where is your daddy?"

"Right here", Rick issued dryly.

Vicky's gaze landed on Rick, and she frowned for only a second, before realising a little gasp, "Oh! I see it now! The eyes! And this is your son too?"

Carl nodded as if it was a question he'd heard many times before.

"Beautiful family!", The woman recovered, beaming at them with energy that Michonne didn't care for.

"How's it going over here?"

A blonde male stepped through the glass doors that led to the club and joined them by the front desk.

"This is Ryan, one of the big brothers here at the club, and also my actual brother", Vicky introduced, "This is the Parker group, and we have four members of the kids club here"

"Great to meet you all", Ryan smiled, his eyes scanning across the faces, but coming to an abrupt halt when he saw Michonne, "So I can give you a tour of the facilities if you're done here?"

"Sure. Lead the way", Rick's tone was a familiar one. It was one he used when he appeared to be friendly, but something about the way he didn't blink, made a person feel uneasy.

She gave Rick a warning look as the group followed Ryan back through the glass doors. Her husband gave her an innocent smile in return, resting his hand on her back as they trolled behind the others.

She hissed at him, "Don't be a jackass-"

"I can't promise that".