Chapter 35
Jacob's car was already in the driveway when I got home from work. He usually arrived around 7 PM due to the time it took to travel from the township of Beaver to the western edge of Forks. His early arrival sparked a little bit of humoured curiosity in me. While I parked, I kept my eyes trained on the house and saw him peek through the blinds hanging in the powder room. I shook my head and smiled to myself as I collected my belongings from the passenger seat.
I heard him scuttling around frantically as I climbed the front steps. I only entered once I was sure he was standing still and breathing normally.
"Jacob?" I called.
"Kitchen!" he yelled out, pushing the chair he sat in away from the table.
I dropped my purse and keys on the floor and shrugged my raincoat off as I shut the door behind me.
Another smile spread across my face as I took in the scene before me. He'd spread out all our hiking and camping gear across the table and had a bouquet of clipped red carnations sitting in a Disney mug we raided from the thrift store.
"What's all this?"
"An apology. For being an asshat lately. Also, for being a terrible husband. I'm sorry. I've been in a stupid, wife-neglecting rut."
"You are nothing of the sort," I smiled as I leaned into his awaiting arms. "Though you are an asshat. My asshat. And we've both been in a rut. Sweetie, it happens to the best of us. No one's to blame, least of all you. You've given up so much just to be with me and yet, you've given me so much. Our little life is perfect here. Just me and you…my darling asshat."
"Well, regardless of my levels of asshattery I know I've been more than a little preoccupied. There's no excuse. The pack can wait, work can wait, friends can wait."
"I have eons to wait, Jacob. You work hard. It's normal to want to have some breathing room, both from work and from each other. We've got the rest of our unnatural lives to kick back together."
"No, that's not what I meant. I haven't exactly been good at balancing everything. You've been such a star. Vampire or not you've been superhuman…and I've done nothing to merit that—"
"Yes you have, don't say that."
He shrugged and pressed a kiss on the tip of my nose. "You've worked yourself dry, honey. When's the last time you fed? Your eyes are black."
"Oh? I hadn't really noticed." That was the truth. I've been so busy with..well…everything else but myself. I brought my hands up to my face, almost expecting something fiendish to manifest itself there. "What's your point? That I go hunting?"
"I'm demanding that we spend the whole damn weekend hunting. Just you, me, and the deer," he poked.
"That sounds very lovely, dear," I smiled goofily.
"And another thing," he said, moving us to the refrigerator and revealing its empty contents. "No more pack parties. It's not your obligation to feed us anymore. From now on it's a shared endeavour. Everyone brings their own or pitches in for pizza money."
"This comes as a surprise…but I must say that sounds like a very good idea."
"The expectation is ridiculous. And far too expensive for us to keep doing. I don't know why I let it keep on. Regardless if that's what was always done. It's so archaic. Emily does the same for Sam's pack. My mom did the same for dad's…. Just because it's a given doesn't mean we don't get to change a few things. We're nothing if not unorthodox."
I nodded, opting to keep silent on how bemused I was by his little rant.
"No more working through the night either. It pains me to see you typing away like a madwoman. That's no way to make ends meet. As soon as you come home I want the work to stop, alright? Just, I dunno. Go out with Jessica or Mike or Tyler or something after work. Watch some TV. Go find a rabbit or lion."
"Maybe I should give Jessica a call, I mused. See if she wants to come camping with us."
"It might be fun," he teased. "Bella, Bella? Bella there's a snake! Oh my gosh kill it!"
I laughed heartily and pressed a kiss to his cheek.
"Honey, I hardly doubt that she'll be more interested in sidling up to you than some venomous sack of muscle."
"Well, I'm just going to have to ask that you protect me."
"I think you're capable of handling your own," I smirked. "I'm going to get changed. What time do we leave?"
"As soon as you're ready."
Coming back to a home occupied by Seth, Leah, Quil, and Embry after a weekend of R&R was actually kind of a nice surprise. They made use of the propane BBQ out back and had the table set and ready to go for dinner. While we ate we made light conversation, but after a few moments of laughter at Jacob's expense, I finally began to feel like I was a part of their circle.
But, rather than feeling alienated by their clique-like nature, I began to understand that perhaps it was my own prejudice against Sam's actions that was clouding my view of Jacob's pack. Even though they decided to side beside Jacob, I felt a little bit awkward being the natural enemy among them.
As the night drew on, we knocked back a couple of packs of beers and got to know each other a little better. I must admit, it was nice having the responsibility of feeding five perpetually hungry wolves taken off my shoulders.
Soon, Leah plugged her phone into our TV's sound system and the night quickly turned interesting. We managed to pass a tiny spliff around a few times and chatted about nothing stressful in particular. It was a pretty chill night.
Yet, the music and fond company encouraged my thoughts to drift to a lifetime ago. It has been more than a year since then, but the memories were achingly fresh.
I couldn't help but think of Edward at times like these. There wasn't a single bone in my body that doubted that my decision impacted his life egregiously. Though my body sat in our horrendous bright blue couch, my mind was transported elsewhere, to a different era it seemed.
We arrived in Aberdeen, WA after two intense hours of driving in silence. We'd just left Forks.
And Edward.
I was angry at Jacob for handling the situation so poorly. While I agreed he was right to feel jealous over my close proximity with Edward, there was hardly a need to call on the pack. There was no need for a fight.
It was a regular ol' dick-measuring contest.
Wherever it was we were going was very far away. We passed exit after exit and, after the tenth time Jacob failed to answer me when I asked where we were going, I decided it was best to also keep quiet.
He did admit that the whole event couldn't have gone any better, much to my irritation. Worse still, he enjoyed the win more than I thought he would. And that unsettled me deeply.
I stared out the window grateful, for once, that I couldn't produce tears. I wanted so badly to lick my wounds without being pestered. Of course I was conflicted about my feelings. There wasn't a part of me that knew where to turn in this mess of fates.
Had I decided to stay with the Cullens…life as I knew it would be far different.
There wasn't a doubt in my mind that I was attracted to Edward.
Anybody with eyes and a sex drive that swung that way would give him a once over and nearly fall over from pure excitation. Edward was so horrendously attractive, that the moment he stepped into public, he caused wave after wave of devastation in the hearts of many.
Better still, he had every idea of the way he affected the people around him and yet, he wasn't at all overly proud. Jessica had once speculated that he thought that he was too good for everyone at the high school — thats why he never met her advances.
Edward was kind, giving, and so very courteous. Underneath the stony facade he constructed was a very silly, very complicated, and very good-natured man. He was the opposite of Jacob in almost every way. There wasn't a single ounce of violence or brutish strength that he desired to pomp around like a trophy. Though Jacob liked to assert his dominance, it was always to protect me.
Most of all, however, he was modest. Extremely so. So much so that when he traded his usual comfy garb for one that accentuated him in all the right ways, it made me question how on earth he managed to keep himself single.
Edward was much like Rose in that respect. Both of them were the most beautiful people that I had ever seen, which was saying a lot since his entire family was similarly attractive. They were astonishing, yes, but ever so humble — in Rose's case, resentful. Neither of them desired to be as they were, to be ogled at, to be thought of in often malicious ways. So they dressed down, wore things that pleased their skin rather than things that pleased the eye.
Much like me — save for the fact that they do it to force obscurity and I do it because I couldn't be bothered to pick a trendy outfit.
Anyway.
Though it took me a while to confirm that we were mates, I wondered about the possibility of being with him long enough that settling down with Jacob wasn't such an easy decision to follow through with anymore.
It was clear to me now that my happiness was always going to be at his expense.
There wasn't a day that passed without me thinking of him. As I tried to best sum up my feelings for him with the hastily written sonnet, I realized how much more conflicted I was.
By nature, love is a pestilence. It takes a hold of your faculties and squeezes at your lungs until, oddly, you cannot breathe without it. It's like an illness you want to cherish. So it goes with this odd triangle of sorts I found myself in. The lines:
My reason, the physician to my love,
Angry that his prescriptions are not kept,
Hath left me, and I desperate now approve
Desire is death, which physic did except.
always struck me. I thought they described my predicament most adequately.
Jacob personified reason. When he lingered in the fringes of my mind and spoke his prescriptions to me I was settled in my heart that he was the man I was to love.
But when I abandoned my tight control on my feelings and made haste with my actions, I always gravitated towards Edward and became more certain of him, that he was the man I should choose.
Whenever I did so, reason would pull away from me. Rather than go forward in a world without my senses, a world without Jacob's safety, I became frightened at its absence and followed in hot pursuit.
I would rein in my feelings and keep the leash taut as they struggled like mad against their confines.
But, as I learned, there was no sense in letting these mindless emotions lead my life. They had no sense of consequence, no forethought to guide themselves by.
When I woke up for the last time, I was fuelled by my sense of self-preservation. Every decision I made thereon was carefully calculated, every defensive tactic I employed came from a whole list of things I knew would keep me safe. It was paranoia of the utmost degree.
One of those safety precautions entailed Jacob. Jacob would always keep me safe.
And so I fled to him and have been basking in the aftermath of my instinct ever since.
But I am now consistently torn between what's good for me and what I so passionately want to have.
Somewhere in there, however, is a mistake I will never make again.
Such desire is death.
I feigned thirst when we pulled up to the tiny motel just outside of Aberdeen. Without quarrels Jacob agreed that I should hunt. He unpacked clothing and pyjamas for the both of us and headed inside the room.
I did the first thing that came to my mind in this precious moment away from everybody I knew and stupidly ran towards Forks. I could have done so many more productive things like stop by the front office and wonder about breakfast, or hop over to the drug store to buy some supplies, or, maybe actually hunt. I don't know what possessed me but, the further I ran and the closer I got to Edward I felt such huge relief.
That had to mean something right? That I didn't really want to leave?
No. My decision to run back only solidified my decision to partner with Jacob.
What I saw when I crept along the fringes of their property struck a deep seated fear in me that I didn't know existed. Or perhaps, forgot existed because of the stupendous luck I've been having in this awesome second life.
I watched in horror as Edward displayed the full force of his power against the fat trees surrounding his cottage. One by one he uprooted them and in one fell swoop, obliterated the massive pine into toothpicks with his bare hands.
His eyes were so black and blood-thirsty that I feared for my life. I edged further and further away the closer he moved to my hiding spot. The tree line was thinning out, the light from this front porch reaching deeper and deeper into the forest. He was so angry. His grunts and growls echoed around me as he haphazardly destroyed everything in his path. It looked so easy — the trees merely fell away with his every touch.
But there was tremendous effort and reason to his actions.
I was rooted to the spot despite my brain telling me to run away. My eyes were glued to his movements as he began to pile his destruction around one of the jagged holes he left in the ground. I nearly screamed his name when I realized what he was creating.
He broke apart a lighter and let the fluid drip onto the split wood. Out of the same pocket he unearthed another one, lit it, and tossed it where he'd concentrated the fluid.
The pyre lit up with an audible whoosh and illuminated his devilish face. Shadows danced on his skin as he gazed almost adoringly into the centre of the flames. He was a sight of breathtaking horror and yet, I could not move. I urged my legs to take me away. I had seen enough. No more, no more!
I was locked in as if in a trance — and it seemed like he was in one too, the way he searched the flames unblinkingly for what seemed like hours. He rocked on his heels, to and fro the dangerously high flames.
Had my decision driven him to the point of madness? Was this his pyre?
Edward stepped closer and closer to the flames, so much so that I worried he'd catch on fire from the exposure to the heat.
And he did.
First I smelled the burnt leather from the loafers he'd just purchased. Then his jeans began to smoke, and crawling upward still the flames seemed to rise as if they were breathing. His nose flared and his teeth set as his jeans revealed patches of his skin, and yet he did not move.
And just when I thought they were going to light his whole torso ablaze, Edward stepped back and snapped out of his possessed state. He removed his jacket and started to smother the flames at his knees before moving down to his feet.
When he'd beaten the flames out, he stood amongst the smoke emanating from his clothing. His left arm was akimbo and the other gripped his face tightly.
He then began to shudder. His back arched into himself and he sunk to the ground on his blackened knees. He let loose an awful scream and pounded his fists into the ground. Chunks of earth went flying around him and he stilled.
As if he were a puppet suspended from the joints into the rafters of a playhouse, Edward stood. He looked like a heap of bones coming alive. In the same motion as before, his back arched and he slowly unrolled his vertebrae one by one. His stiffness only added something sinister to the already disturbing scene.
Once standing, he bent his torso and clumsily reached into the ground and dug up handfuls of dirt. He tossed and tossed into the pyre for nearly forty-five minutes before it finally snuffed out into a sizzling heap of dying embers. Edward then removed his shoes, socks, pants, jacket, and shirt and tossed them into the smouldering dirt-pile.
He stood before the means to his destruction for a few minutes, staring at the stripped remains of himself.
In the darkness it seemed as if all that survived of Edward Cullen was a smattering of clothing that didn't even materialize until all but three days prior.
He then turned swiftly on his heel and stalked down the path and into his cottage.
At last, when he disappeared, I regained the ability to at least tremble. I nearly fell onto my back as I desperately tried to skitter away, kicking heaps of dirt up as I righted myself.
Within the hour I was laying alongside Jacob in bed, showered, and minty fresh.
I spoke nothing of what I saw, nor did I ever intend to betray to him what he didn't have to know.
Perhaps it was a good thing I was compelled to return to Edward. I now saw a side to him that…that…froze the very insides of my already cold body. He was terrifying. There was something nagging at my brain, something demanding to be felt, to be heard, to be seen. Some long extinguished thought from a lifetime ago.
I banished it away.
That was the night I became certain of my decision.