Chapter 37: Trust and Mistrust
Dean woke the next morning feeling a little better, his head was throbbing anymore and didn't seem to be feeling that dizzy but the pain in his shoulder made up for it. He sat up and glanced over at the alarm clock. It was 10:00 and a Saturday. Usually he'd be woken up at about 4 or 5 by John to start training until school started. The only time he ever got to sleep past then was when John was called out of the house early on a hunt which was rare. He let out a deep sigh of relief; he wouldn't have to take anything from his dad today. He wasn't completely off the hook though, he knew it. When he walked downstairs, as expected, there was a list waiting for him sitting on the kitchen counter. Dean got called on a case, be back tomorrow morning. While I'm gone 200 pushups, 300 sit-ups, have Sam run 6 miles around the track at your school, I would have you do it too but thanks to your weakness you've got a stupid cast on that leg. Clean the guns in the vault, you better remember the code I taught you to open it. Have Sam learn the spell for exorcism and make sure he gets every word right. Practice drawing the devils trap, you two never do seem to get it right. Dean slammed the note down on the table right as Sam walked in.
"Dean?" Sam asked.
"Yeah Sam" Dean answered as he remained looking down at the note.
"Is everything ok?" he questioned.
"When is anything ever ok?" Dean replied.
"He left a list" Sam stated.
"Yeah he did" Dean answered.
"That's pretty normal right?" Sam said as he walked into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator.
"He's making you run the 6 miles he's never made it that long, is he insane?" Dean snapped as he crumbled the paper and threw it on the ground. "He knows you can't make it!"
"Dean I'll be fine." Sam closed the refrigerator and grabbing the heavy jug with one hand. His hand was trembling bad and when Sam noticed Dean looking he tried to hide it instantly.
"Sam…"
"Dean don't" Sam interrupted. "Don't say anything."
"Look at you Sam!" Dean yelled.
"I'm ok, I just…."
"What the hell is that?" Dean demanded as he spotted bright red bruises on Sam's wrists. Sam quickly pulled his sleeves down over his wrists and broke eye contact with his brother and he tried to make his way towards the cabinet to get a glass. Dean stepped in front of him and Sam sighed.
"I knew you'd freak."
"That's why you didn't tell me?" Dean said as he looked angrily down at him.
"Dean I just didn't wanna worry you any more" Sam replied.
"Shut up Sam! Don't give me that crap what are you thinking?"
"You worry too much about me! You should be worrying about you!" Sam yelled back.
"Don't you dare do that!" Dean said as he slammed his fist down on the counter and then instantly pulled his arm back to him gasping in pain.
"See what I mean?" Sam asked.
"You better stop right now Sam. We are not turning this into a pity party for me!"
"I hate seeing you like this Dean" Sam said as he gestured to his arm.
"Like what? I'm fine. It's my job to worry about you Sam! You don't worry about me you hear me?" Dean said through his teeth.
"You're gonna ruin yourself Dean!" Sam said back, equally angry, "How are you ever gonna be the best hunter I always thought you could be if you don't worry about yourself! You're gonna end up dead!" Sam's eyes were watering now.
"Wait a second! If I remember this right, you're the one who almost died Sam!"
"You're becoming more and more in pain every dam day you wake up Dean! I've been the same for months! You're gonna hurt yourself beyond repair! And then when you can't hunt anymore what's dad gonna do huh? Without you being a hunter he'd throw you out of the house, us being able to hunt is the only reason he keeps us and you know it! I've already lost my dad and I am not going to lose my brother too!" A single tear ran down Sam's cheek.
"Stop it Sam!" Dean shouted as he clenched his fist and slammed it into the cabinet door right above Sam's head, Sam cowered instantly on instinct, hiding his face in the crease of his elbow to shield it, a reaction Dean never could have imagined to see caused by him. "Sam" Dean sighed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." Sam didn't look at Dean when he spoke and his trembling was shaking his whole body now. "Look at me Sammy." Sam didn't move an inch. "Sam!" Dean shouted, this caused Sam to flinch and look up at him. "You don't need to worry about losing me, I'm not going anywhere. Ok?"
"Ok Dean" Sam stated. Dean walked into the kitchen and grabbed a cool ice pack from the freezer.
"Now come on, let me get a better look at your wrists Sam." Sam followed Dean over to the couch and he sat down. He rolled the sleeves up and shook his head and sighed. "How did this happen?"
"I wasn't cleaning the guns right, dad said he'd show me how" Sam said shakily. "At first I thought he was actually gonna show me but I should have known better than that."
"Sam I'm sorry," Dean said as he placed the ice pack on one of Sam's wrists. Sam winced and looked over at Dean.
"For what?"
"This crap life we have, you didn't deserve this Sammy" Dean answered.
"It's not your fault Dean" Sam replied.
"But it is my fault for continually letting him hurt you Sam" Dean stated. Sam looked down at the ground and then looked silently back at Dean.
"Well, we better get started with the list dad left" Sam said as he changed the subject. Dean cleared his throat and nodded.
"Yeah you're right." Dean moved into the living room and began to push the coffee table out of the center of the room. A sharp pain shot up his arm and he released the table at once, putting his other hand on his shoulder and scrunching his eyes shut in agony.
"I got it Dean" Sam said instantly as he walked over to the table and pushed it against the wall. He looked back at Dean and he remained standing there his eyes were still closed and his hand still gripping his shoulder. Sam walked towards him, "Dean are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine" Dean replied. "Let's get this over with." Sam watched him go to the center of the room and get ready for the pushups, looking at him apprehensively.
"Dean maybe you shouldn't…" Sam began.
"I'm fine Sam" Dean said with an edge to his voice as he began. Every time he put weight on his arm he winced and bit his bottom lip to keep from yelping. His legs were quivering and threatening to give way as the pressure of putting wait on Dean's broken leg was becoming too much pain to bear. Then it did become too much and Dean grew dizzy. He kept going anyways, each movement causing white hot pain so intense Dean was losing his breath.
"Dean stop!" Sam shouted as he noticed his brother struggling. Dean kept going and Sam ran over to him, pulling him back. Dean finally gave in and he sat in the middle of the room. He put his head in his hands and ran a hand through his hair as if he was trying to keep himself from losing it. He glanced over at Sam and shook his head, "Come on, let's get you to the track" he said as he stood, trying to ignore the fact that he still had 195 pushups to go.
The two arrived at the track in a few minutes. Dean was exhausted from the effort. The crutches were making his underarms sore and he was thankful when he finally got to sit down on the bleachers and lay his crutches down. Sam ran at a good pace and managed to finish still wheezing but not as bad as usual, dad was right about one thing, the training was making him stronger.
"Good job Sammy" Dean praised as Sam made his way over to him.
"I think I'm getting better at this Dean" Sam answered.
"Well at least the breathing seems to be getting better, I don't know about the tremors though, they aren't getting any better."
"I told you Dean I can't take those pills, I hate not being able to sleep."
"Sam this is just gonna keep getting worse" Dean said.
"It's okay Dean, I'm fine I swear" Sam replied. Just then a drop of blood dripped out of his nose and Dean's eyes widened.
"Sam" Dean said as he brought his hand to his nose to signal his nose was bleeding. Sam wiped the blood instantly and tilted his head up as he walked over to sit down next to Dean. Dean ripped a piece of his shirt and handed it to Sam. He brought it to his nose instantly and Dean shook his head. He was silent the rest of the walk home and when the two arrived home Dean opened the gun safe and got the materials he needed to clean them. There were 10 in all and he sent Sam into the living room to grab dad's journal and practice the Latin exorcism spell. The rest of the day passed quickly and as Dean glanced over at Sam he noticed he was holding a rag to his nose and the blood was still coming. His hands were shaking too and he noticed Sam growing frustrated that he couldn't steady the book in his lap. He shook his head, this was gonna end, the second Dean turned 18 he and Sam would be out of their dad's life forever.
It had been weeks since Sam's near death experience and that Castiel had appeared to save him. Castiel hadn't been in school for a while Dean had turned 17 a few days ago and as a birthday present from John he had gotten a bloody lip. Sam had managed to pick him up a pie which had made Dean's day.
"Sorry about the lip Dean" Sam said sympathetically as he sat down beside his brother, whom was holding a wet rag up to his lip.
"I'm fine Sammy" Dean said with a smile.
"So…. Did he even remember?" Sam asked.
"He has no idea" Dean replied. Sam felt for his brother and he looked down at his feet as they hung off the couch, Dean sensed his brother's anxiety and sighed. "Listen Sam, it doesn't matter alright? I just look at it as one year closer to getting us the hell out of here."
"What do you mean?" Sam asked curiously as his eyes lighted up with hope.
"Well, I got this job a few days ago, dad doesn't know anything about it, but it's night shifts, when dad's usually asleep for a good while. He won't find out and I can save money from the job so we could leave."
"Where'd you get a job?"
"Believe it or not, Al down at the mechanic shop. He couldn't fix one of the cars he had in a few days ago and I managed to show him that I knew a few things about cars."
"Dean that's great" Sam replied happily. "You really think we could leave?"
"When I turn 18, dad can have no say over us."
"You promise?" Sam asked.
"It's a promise" Dean replied instantly. Sam glanced down at Dean's cast and then back at Dean.
"You've had that thing for a while Dean, when are ya getting it off?" Sam asked.
"I got an appointment later today, at least dad managed to remember that."
"Anything that will get you able to hunt again I'm sure he's all for it" Sam answered. Sam was right. Later that afternoon Dean was taken to the doctor and Sam sat in the car as Dean followed his dad inside.
"I hope you appreciate this Dean" John mumbled. "You're lucky I didn't just saw the thing off myself."
"Yes sir" was all Dean could say and John rolled his eyes as he signed them in. They waited for a good 15 minutes before the doctor called them back. Dean lay back on the doctor's soft table covered in clear paper and he relaxed as the nurse brought in the device to cut the cast off.
"Now Dean it may get kinda hot inside the cast for a moment, but don't get worried it's all part of the procedure" the doctor explained. Dean nodded and faster then he knew, the cast was off.
"Well good news Dean, your leg is looking perfectly healthy, it healed nicely" the doctor said with a smile as he pulled Dean up to sitting position. "Why don't you try putting some weight on it?" Dean nodded and stood up, it felt good and strong and though it ached a little, it was nothing compared to what he'd gone through.
"Well thanks doc, glad he seems to be up and about" John said as he stood to leave with Dean.
"One second Mr. Winchester" the doctor said causing John to turn back around and Dean to stop mid stride. "There is still the issue of Dean's shoulder, it's been a while and I just need to check on it and make sure the muscle is healing and the shoulder is in place."
"Of course" John answered as he tried to hide his disagreement and he sat back down. Dean sat back down on the table and the doctor pulled his glasses on.
"Now Dean, if you'd take off your sling for me," the doctor ordered. Dean nodded and removed the sling with great effort, he was already wincing in pain and though he tried to hide his discomfort he knew the doctor had noticed, he was a doctor after all. The doctor took his arm and tried to move it in a circle. This time Dean clenched his teeth and his eyes watered trying his hardest not to yell in pain in front of his dad.
"Dean, how bad is it?" the doctor asked.
"It's ok" Dean lied.
"Dean do something for me, I want you to hold that arm in front of you" the doctor instructed. Dean did so and the doctor grabbed a pencil from the desk behind him. "Now close your hand around this." Dean listened and the second he gripped the pencil he dropped it instantly, pulling his hand away as if he had touched a hot stove, and pulling his arm in close to him, like he had done so often before. "Mr. Winchester, can you give us a minute?" the doctor asked after a moment of silence. John sighed deeply and stood,
"Sure thing doc" he walked out and the doctor closed the door behind him.
"Dean, I'm gonna be completely honest with ya, it looks like you've got some nerve damage going all through your arm, I've seen these symptoms before and I haven't been wrong yet."
"Well what do I need to do?" Dean questioned.
"I can give you an arm brace, it will run up till about here" the doctor pointed at the crease on the arm where the elbow was. "This should support it and give it more comfort; it will serve to protect your nerves from further damage. I recommend you still use the sling as well, that shoulder muscle is very torn Dean, you haven't been giving it rest have you?" Dean sighed and shook his head.
"No, I haven't" he said honestly.
"You know, you keep working it like this and the muscle is never gonna heal, its gonna continue to tear further and further until you have to end up permanently in a sling. You see Dean, it's already caused nerve damage, and that I'm sure is agonizingly painful."
"I get by" Dean replied as he rubbed his arm.
"Dean, you don't wanna lose complete use of that arm do you?" the doctor questioned.
"No sir" Dean answered.
"Promise me you'll rest it then, no heavy lifting, no putting any type of pressure on it, and no jerking it around."
"I promise" Dean answered after a moment.
"Alright, now I'll go get your father, tell him about the cost of the brace…" the doctor began.
"No!" Dean said quickly as he stood to his feet. The doctor turned to look at him and Dean looked embarrassed. "My dad he can't…. he can't afford it."
"Well we can work something out, you don't need to worry." The doctor walked out of the room and came back a few minutes later with the brace.
"He's paying for it?" Dean seemed shocked.
"Well, no he doesn't need to, it's covered by your father's health insurance."
"Oh" Dean said after a moment.
"Now hold out your arm and we'll get this on."
Dean listened instantly and the doctor wrapped the brace around his arm and strapped it into the Velcro bindings. Instantly pressure was taken off of Dean's nerves, it seemed somehow that the tightness of the brace actually helped. Dean left the doctor's office following behind his father and he sat in the back next to Sam.
"You got it off?" Sam asked excitedly as he looked down at Dean's leg.
"Yep, the doctor said it healed nicely" Dean answered. Sam's smile vanished as he saw the new black brace around Dean's arm.
"What's that?" Sam asked gesturing to the brace.
"It's nothing, just a little extra support" Dean replied. Sam looked suspicious and said nothing. "I'm okay." Sam nodded and gave a small smile as he looked ahead. Dean breathed easy now and he let his head fall back on the headrest. The only thoughts running through his head, we are gonna get out of here alive.