Hi everyone. I'm back from my travels and I thought I'd post this first part of a long-awaited chapter. Thanks for all the reviews, encouragements, and adds. Happy reading :)
"How many times can I break till I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm I feel is the realness that I'm faking, taking my time, but it's time that I'm wasting...I gotta turn this thing around." -OAR "Shattered (Turn the Car Around)"
Jennifer Jareau sat in her small sedan, inhaling in through her nose and exhaling through her mouth. This old, habitual pattern-the same one she used before big college soccer games and difficult press conferences-soothed the butterflies in her stomach. Outside the green car, the wind hurled against the steel sides and, in the distance, JJ watched bare tree branches battle with clashing limbs. A few weeks prior, the mountains and farmlands surrounding the parking lot were, no doubt, vibrantly streaked with the golden colors of fall, but, now, the world was barren, raw, and exposed to the elements in a way that JJ could not help but understand. Flipping her long blond hair over her shoulders, the media liaison cut the ignition, procrastinating leaving her car for a few more moments.
During ride to the facility, her thoughts had been accentuated with memories of Spencer. Beautiful edges of the oncoming winter had outlined the surge of emotions in ways that JJ had forgotten existed. His understanding, caring eyes. His eagerness at the Hankel farm, running away before she had a chance to make her protests known. The gentle squeeze of his long fingers against hers after a trying case.
JJ planned on visiting a week prior, but the team caught a case, a particularly nasty one at that, and she hadn't been in the same state for a few days. Now, sitting in her parked car with rapidly diminishing warmth, JJ wondered if too much time had passed. What if Reid was upset with her for not visiting? If anything, she didn't know if one hug could make up for the months of worry and fear. If one touch could signify how sorry she was. After all, this still felt like her fault-no matter how much anyone told her differently.
About a week prior:
Outside the small window, the night expanded in all directions, filling JJ with a sense of infinite loneliness. Across the aisle, Hotch had fallen asleep with an open case file resting against his stomach, and the manila folder now rose and fell in rhythm to his breathing. Behind her, Morgan snored slightly on the bench usually reserved for Reid, headphones blasting music into his ears. Gideon sat near Hotch, and he too had his head resting against a travel pillow that was propped against the seat back, legs reaching across the aisle onto the empty row stationed in front of him. Across from JJ, Emily stirred, but JJ noticed that, unlike the other profilers, sleep did not want to visit the dark-haired agent.
"You want to talk about it?" JJ asked the bloodshot-eyed brunette, watching as her eyes scanned the small cabin for eavesdroppers. When she was sure all the snores coming from the men of the BAU were real, Emily turned her attention back to the media liaison.
"I've been thinking-"
"That's usually a bad thing for any of you profilers," JJ joked. In return, Emily cracked a genuine smile.
"Good point, but I kind of need an opinion and I wanted to ask you without," Emily eyeballed her surroundings once more. "Being overheard." JJ nodded, leaning forward to hear Emily's low tone. She had to admit, she was a bit curious-what could the very prepared, confident agent need from her? JJ had expected to be asking her opinion on a subject matter-not the other way around. Still, she was somewhat flattered by the prospect and admission of trust.
"My mother asked me to fly to Europe for Thanksgiving." Even as she said this, Emily couldn't help it when her face scrunched in dislike, puckering her features as if she had eaten a particularly sour piece of candy.
"It doesn't take a genius to see you're excited by that idea," JJ teased, garnering another smile from Emily.
"No, definitely not, but I really don't have a good excuse." Prentiss admitted, wringing her hands together.
"And you want me to help you think of a good lie?" JJ asked, somewhat taken back. Emily's eye grew wide as she shook her head side to side. Her ponytail swung from left to right when she did so.
"No...What I wanted...I guess...well..." She trailed off, staring at the floor, and JJ couldn't tell if she was embarrassed, ashamed, or both. Reaching across the small space between them, she squeezed Emily's hand in her own, reassuring her obvious discomfort. For a moment, Prentiss stared at JJ's French manicure before tightening her grasp in response to the gesture of comfort.
"I was thinking about going to see Reid on Thanksgiving." Emily's words were so rushed that JJ strained to hear them correctly. When she felt the phrase had been properly translated in her mind, she met the dark eyes.
"And you want me to reassure you that this is ok even though we both know what Hotch said?"Immediately, JJ wished she hadn't stated the latter. Emily withdrew her hands, crossed them across her chest, bit her lip, and turned her face towards the window. Even with her sudden movements, JJ could see her internal battle. It was obvious that Prentiss did not ask for help or reassurance often and the act alone agonizing.
"Yeah, you're right. It's a stupid idea. I'm still new to the team and Hotch-"
"Isn't always right." JJ interrupted, meeting the surprised gaze with her resolute one. In the moment of connection, Emily spoke in a curious, lowered tone.
"Did you go see him?"
"No. I was going to today, but the case..." She broke eye contact, peering at her discarded uncomfortable black heels on the floor between the two women.
"I'm guessing Garcia gave you the address?" Prentiss queried. JJ nodded.
"I'm going to go next week," the blond agent scanned the room for a sign that someone was listening, but all three men were in dreamland.
"Look, I know it's crazy," Prentiss confessed. "Reid and I didn't really get off to a good start, but he wasn't exactly in the right place, you know?"
"Yeah, I do."
"It's just this feeling I have..." Prentiss met the blue eyes once more and was surprised to see the understanding in the aqua-colored orbs. "It's in my gut. I know what it's like to be stuck in a strange, new place and feel...lost." Something also told JJ that Emily Prentiss usually did not admit to feeling lost.
"I think he'd love it if you came for Thanksgiving. I'm sure there is extending visiting hours that day." Emily nodded enthusiastically. "I can sneak you some information when I go this Sunday." JJ assured. A look of relief washed over Emily features, creating smoothness where lines had once been. Her lips stayed pursed, however, signaling the remnants of discomfort.
"Do you think he still hates me?" JJ didn't have time to hide the surprise in her expression.
"Spence doesn't hate you, Em. He was just angry and took it out on you because you were new and an easy target." Emily sighed, releasing tension into the air. "I know that may be difficult to see now, but, trust me, you and Reid have more in common than you think." There was a silence for a moment, accented by the wheezing of their male counterparts.
"Thanks, JJ. I really appreciate your help." JJ returned the smile with a wide one of her own. "I'm just worried, you know?" JJ felt a surge of numbness enter her limbs. She knew. God, she did.
"I completely understand." And when Emily had fallen asleep with her head resting on her balled up sweater, JJ had tried to look through the opaque night sky. If anything, she wanted to believe the stars could help.
Present Day:
Lost in thought, JJ didn't realize that she had made it into the building. The rehab's lobby was adorned with Thanksgiving decorations, and JJ stood for a moment, recalling the handmade holiday decorations of her youth. Her mother still had them somewhere, stowed away into an attic corner, but the woman never failed to hang faded construction paper and blocked, large handwriting on the walls when each appropriate holiday emerged. It always slightly embarrassed JJ, but she secretly loved the familiarity of it all. The way everything had changed, yet was still the same.
"Miss, can I help you?" A short, dark-skinned nurse in bright pink scrubs approached JJ, startling her out of her reveries.
"Umm yes." JJ stammered before regaining her voice. She recognized it, oddly, as the same one she used during conferences. "I'm here to see Dr. Spencer Reid." The woman's face broke into a large smile.
"I'm sure he'll be thrilled, but I'm afraid I have to search you and your bag first." If she seemed surprised, JJ did not try to let it show as she handed her purse to the woman, following her to the nurse's station in the central hallway.
"Sorry, it's regulation." The nurse explained as latex gloves patted down JJ's well-fitting jeans, searched through her coat pockets, and even traveling briefly over the form fitting blue long-sleeved shirt on JJ's upper half. "We just don't want visitors sneaking drugs or other restricted items to patients." JJ nodded, suppressing the sickness she felt. This really was rehab and Reid really was an addict.
"Don't worry, dear." The nurse said in a comforting tone when she saw her sad features. She handed JJ back her bag after viewing each pocket, even unfolding her FBI credentials. "He'll be happy and surprised to see you."
"How do you know?" JJ couldn't help the nervous, but relieved, smile that overcame her lips.
"I've been doing this job a long time." The nurse explained. "Long enough to know when someone's anxious, especially a visitor."
"I'm Angela, by the way." The nurse stuck her hand into JJ's barely outstretched one. "I'm sure Spencer will be delighted to see you. Sundays always make him a bit sad, although he'll never admit it." Angela chuckled to herself, shaking her head as if she knew some secret that JJ didn't. Quickening her pace to keep up with Angela's short, fast strides, JJ entered what looked like a sitting room filled with chairs and tables. Some, JJ noticed, were claimed by patients and visiting friends and family. It was already quite noisy even though visiting hours started an hour before JJ arrived.
"Thank you, Angela." JJ did her best to smile genuinely this time, but was surprised when Angela took her hand in her own, soothing her worries with loving strokes that brought tears to her eyes.
"You look after him, you hear?" JJ nodded, understanding the plea wrapped in instruction. "He's a smart kid, who cheats at card games," JJ couldn't help but laugh.
"Spence definitely does," she agreed as the last remnants of laughter left her lips. "How is he?" She asked, feeling simultaneously foolish and ashamed for not knowing the answer. If their roles were reversed, Spencer would know how she was. JJ ran her hand nervously through her hair.
"He's having a hard time. Last week nearly unhinged him." Angela kept her voice soft, but JJ didn't understand why the heavy feeling in her limbs told her that something was wrong. She nodded, meeting Angela's dark look.
"Thank you for taking care of him..." She trailed off, spotting the familiar skewed curls by the window. Reid had not seen her with Angela, as his back was facing the two women. "Our boss told us not to visit, but I couldn't...I had to..." Angela nodded, squeezing JJ's hand once more.
"I understand. He's a great kid, you know?" She asked JJ, who nodded in agreement. "But everyone needs to hear and know how they're wanted and loved."
"He's loved..." JJ whispered more to herself than to Angela.
"Then let him know that." And with another small grasp, Angela hurried back to the nurse's station leaving JJ in a wake of fear and anticipation. How Angela had so accurately described Reid, JJ didn't know, but she was glad that she understood her words all the same.
Working her way around other patients and exuberant visitors, JJ finally reached Spence. She took a moment to watch Reid's slight head tilt, his eyes focused on the empty landscape behind the treatment center's main building. The outside world, however cold and bleak, still looked beautiful with gray skies against fuzzy blue mountains. Clumps of branches created a tangled web of wooden defense, covering what lay within the depths. It reminded the media liaison of her hometown and JJ wondered if Reid hated this place as much as she did the small town she once called home. In her moment of quiet observation, Reid felt her stare, and turned around to face JJ.
"Hey Spence." She kept her voice soft, but Reid's wide, surprised eyes spoke louder than any words could. Before she realized what was happening, Spencer was grabbing her towards his lanky frame. JJ rarely received such deep hugs from anyone-never mind from Reid, who usually was uncomfortable with physical contact.
"What are you doing here?" His eyes were still popping outwards as he pulled JJ at arm's length, taking in the familiar, comforting sight of his colleague. Reid had resigned himself to sitting by the window all day, book in lap (which was currently on the floor from his sudden upward bolt), hating how much he missed everyone at the BAU. He had wanted someone to visit, especially since Melinda's suicide, but he also realized that it was very possible Hotch's orders had been taken to heart. How he knew the unit chief ordered the team not to visit was beyond Reid, but he had.
"I thought you could use some company." JJ linked her arm in his as she spoke. Reid grinned, and JJ couldn't help but be both surprised and relieved by Reid's euphoria and his outward display of these emotions. The young man in front of her looked like he had gained some weight and, if JJ was correct, a healthy amount of lean muscle. His skin was tanner than she had ever seen it be before, and his hair had grown long, shooting out in awkward places that gave him a youthful expression. In her quick observation, JJ had to bite her lip to keep the tears at bay: Reid looked healthy.
"I..." For the first time, it appeared that Spencer Reid had no words. JJ beamed as all traces of nervousness and anxiety melted away.
So, are you gonna show me around or what, Spence?" She joked, nudging Reid's ribs with her elbow.
"Well, my lady." Reid felt like he was channeling Morgan and Garcia's usual dialogue when he spoke. "Your chariot awaits." JJ smiled broadly. To hell with what Hotch ordered. This visit was obviously needed. JJ allowed Reid to glide her from one room to the next, talking with an intensity and speed she was afraid she'd never hear again. It didn't matter that her tour was of a drug rehab facility, or that Reid was a patient, or that it still felt weird to have those two things in the same equation. If it were as easy as a calculation, JJ figured the formula would read: traumatic event + drug addiction = rehab.
To JJ, it seemed silly, even if Reid were the one thinking or explaining such a ridiculous concept. She understood from her job's requirements alone that experiences like trauma and addiction were shades of gray that were muddled and shadowed. There was no way to explain the hows or whys because it never came to one instance or event. It hurt to realize this very obvious epiphany, but JJ kept the smile plastered on her face. It wasn't hard, really. Reid was grinning and stealing happy, lope sided glances at her every chance he could. Fuck rules, JJ thought when Reid squeezed her arm, dragging her towards a heavy-set, dark haired man with a booming laugh.
Sometimes, JJ figured, nothing was black and white.