Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.
"Your heart just breaks, that's all. But you can't judge or point fingers. You just have to find someone who appreciates you." – Audrey Hepburn
o o o o
10 April, 2010
"It's okay, Luce," Penelope held her arms around Calliope tightly, rubbing her back as her friend sobbed into her shoulder. "Go ahead and cry. Cry all you want, hunny."
Calliope kept sobbing something completely indiscernible to both Penelope and to Derek, who, per Penelope's orders, was making coffee in the kitchen and repeatedly speed dialing Spencer's mobile, though the man wasn't picking up. The entire way from Derek's house to Aaron's apartment Penelope and Derek had talked about what to do. Unanimously, they'd agreed that neither Spencer nor Calliope was thinking clearly and neither should be left alone or they'd do something even more moronic than they'd already done. Not even Spencer's genius could stave against overwhelming idiocy when intense emotion was involved, as today had already proven tenfold.
Derek had been calling Spencer since they'd gotten a hysterical Calliope into Penelope's apartment. Calliope had ridden with Penelope and Derek had driven the Aston Martin, parking it discretely in the back of the parking garage for Penelope's building.
"Come on, kid. Pick up," Derek was muttering to himself as he poured coffee into Penelope's pink and brown oversized soup cups. By now, he knew how both women took their coffee and poured in sugar and the fancy French crème Penelope liked. "Come on, Pretty Boy. What do you have going on right now that's more important? Seriously?"
With a sigh he pressed the speed dial again and waited. "Reid. It's Morgan. García and I have Cal. Call me back."
Derek pocketed the phone and took the coffee out into the living room, putting the mugs down on the coffee table. Sitting down next to Calliope, he felt as if his allegiance was being tested in a way. On one hand, Calliope was his friend and she was hurting and crying, but, on the other, Spencer was more than just his friend. Spencer was his brother and, yet, Derek sat here rubbing Calliope's back instead of with him.
But, then, if he let them throw away their relationship because they were both too hurt to see reason, what sort of friend would he be? How could he sit by and watch his brother and his girlfriend destroy everything that mattered to them in one afternoon without attempting to salvage the situation, even if it meant sitting with Calliope instead of Spencer?
"Everything's all messed up." That, Derek understood. Penelope looked up at him and grimaced. Everything was definitely messed up. "How did this happen?"
"We can fix it, Luce," Penelope hugged her and tried to keep calming her down. "I'm sure everything can be fixed."
"He doesn't want me anymore." This new admission was quiet and heartbreakingly sad, but neither of her friends believed it was true.
"Did he say that, Toothpick? I mean, did he outright say he didn't want you?"
"He accused me of having an abortion. He said I didn't want the baby because it was his," Calliope's words were still jumbled by tears and sobs, but were slowly becoming more and more discernible.
"You know Reid didn't mean that, Lucy," Penelope shook her head, offering Calliope the box of tissues. "He loves you. You mean everything to him, Calliope. He was just upset. Everyone says things they don't mean when they're upset."
"He said I cheated on him," Calliope's voice broke and she dissolved back into tears once again, gasping awkwardly as she tried to talk. "H-h-he asked if it was his baby! He can't believe that. I love him. Why? Why would he say that?"
"Cal, you can't take what he said too seriously," Derek said over her sobs. "Okay, come here, kid." Easily, as if she were simply a weightless ragdoll instead of a human, Derek reached over and picked her up, settling her into his lap and letting her hold onto him. Calliope buried her face into his chest, sobbing and coughing, choking slightly on her own sobs. Movies with beautiful porcelain women who cried so daintily and eloquently… well – to put it bluntly – lied. Crying was messy and ugly with runny noses and swollen, red eyes. There was nothing attractive about crying, real crying.
"I never cheated on him," she sniffed pitifully and wiped snot away from her nose with a handful of tissues Penelope gave her.
"I know, Toothpick. He knows too."
"I love him."
"I know."
"I just stood there and let him yell at me. I couldn't say anything! I just stood there. I should have said something, but I couldn't. All I could think was I deserved to have him yelling at me. He was right! I made his life hell. I wouldn't talk to him. I wouldn't tell him what was wrong. I shut him out. I treated him like shit," Calliope blotted her eyes with a fresh tissue and Penelope took the used ones and threw them away. "I don't blame him. I deserved it."
"Hunny, you don't deserve to be accused of cheating," the tech goddess smoothed Calliope's flyaway hair back from her face. "No matter what happened."
"He didn't deserve to come home after seeing hell at work to me making our home hell. He couldn't get out of hell and it's my fault! I made the place that was supposed to be safe just as bad as what he sees at work!"
"No way, kid, no way. Cal, nothing is as bad as what we see at work," Derek shook his head vehemently. "Nothing compares to that. He'd have to loose you, permanently loose you, for it to be anywhere close to the same level of hell as what we see at work. I've been through personal hell that rivals what our team deals with and, I promise you, that was not it."
"I should have stopped him," Calliope moaned into her hands. "I just stood there and let him yell at me. And then I hit him! I hit him! I-I-I just slapped him and broke up with him? Why did I break up with him? Why didn't he break up with me? I don't deserve him!"
"Hunny, if we had to deserve everyone in our lives, we'd all be some seriously lonely people. Except for, you know, like Mother Teresa and Jesus. Two out of, what?, the trillion people who've ever lived – not a good sign, Luce."
"This is all my fault. If I'd talk to him, none of this would have happened," Calliope took a few deep breaths and look up, silently begging for them to tell her she was wrong, that she was solely responsible for the disaster her personal life had exploded into.
"Cal, you're both at fault. You for not talking to him and trusting him and Reid for jumping to conclusions. But it's fixable, kid. Trust me, Toothpick. No one on this team is going to let you and Reid do something as stupid as throw each other away without trying to fix it. And we will fix it. You and Reid are too special not to fix. My little brother has to stay with my little sister. No, not Desiree, you idiot. You," Derek rolled his eyes and shoved the finally smiling woman off his lap towards Penelope. "Gawd. What the hell would Reid be doing with Desiree? Penelope, take Lucille Ball back. She's almost her normal crazy self again so she's all yours, Ethel. Fred's checking out. I'm gonna try and call Ricky again. You two produce too much estrogen! Jeeze."
ooo ooo ooo ooo
"Reid?" Aaron closed the office door behind him and studied the young man still sitting there with his head in his hands, his long tangled hair completely obstructing any view the unit chief might have had of his face. "Reid, are you okay?"
"She broke up with me." Reid's voice was hollow and empty, detached from what the words as if he couldn't quite believe what he said was true. This couldn't have happened. Calliope couldn't be gone, couldn't have so callously thrown away everything they had spent so long building and protecting. He loved her. He never thought he'd fall in love with someone, really fall in love the way Aaron had fallen in love with Haley, but he had. He had fallen in love with her so fully and completely that he couldn't conceptualize a life without her. He wanted to marry her, not break up with her. He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, not spend the rest of his life wondering what could have been. He wanted her, he wanted Emeline, he wanted Bailey, he wanted Perses… hell, he even wanting the stupid horses.
"What?" Startled, Aaron sat down next to him and shook him slightly, trying to draw him out of the disengaged stupor into which he'd fallen. "Reid, what happened?"
"There was no baby," Spencer looked up at him and Aaron saw the raw brokenness in his bloodshot brown eyes. "Calliope wasn't pregnant."
"I thought you said you found pregnancy tests."
"I did. I don't know. I didn't give her a chance to say anything, Hotch. Not really. I kept ranting. I was on a tirade and I couldn't get off. I was so upset I couldn't censor myself. Hotch, I called her a whore. I called her a whore. I accused her of cheating on me and getting pregnant by another man. What did I do, Hotch? I'm supposed to be a genius and I threw away the most important thing in the world."
"Reid, you were emotional and she was emotional. Children are a very emotionally charge topic, you know that. Especially in this sort of situation. You've seen this before on cases. Neither one of you should hold their other accountable for what was said."
"Hotch, it's over. There's no fixing this."
"Do you love her?"
"Of course I do!" Spencer's eyes flashed angrily at Aaron's question. "Of course I love her, Hotch. Why would this upset me if I wasn't in love with her?"
"Spencer, if you love her, it's not over. You can fix this."
"I don't deserve her. I called her a whore and accused her of awful things that I know she'd never do. Why would she want to even see me now, much less forgive me? Hotch –"
"If you love her, it's not over," Aaron told him, stressing each word individually. "You can't let it be over."
"What?"
"I didn't fight for Haley, Reid."
"What?"
"I didn't fight for my marriage. Not really. Not when it was on the line and ready to fail. Yes, I tried my hardest to make it work between home and the job, but I didn't fight for my marriage when it counted. When Haley wanted out, I gave it to her. I thought that would be the best way. I reasoned that if I didn't fight the divorce, everything would remain civil as possible and Jack would be spared the worst of what could happen. I gave her the divorce even though it was the last thing I wanted. I loved Haley, Reid. I still do. I should have fought for her when it counted. Maybe, if I had, she'd still be alive.
"Reid, you still have a chance to fight for Callie. This may not be the high point in your relationship, but it's not over. You and Callie still have a chance if you're willing to fight for her. But you have to make the decision to fight even if she doesn't want to see you just yet. I have a feeling, though, that you'll find her willing to talk to you. I don't think the situation's as hopeless as you think it is."
"Really?"
Aaron had never heard Spencer's voice sound so afraid to be hopeful.
"Really. Explain to me what happened. You said there was never a baby?"
"I don't know the details. She just slapped me, called me an asshole and said 'If that's what you think about me, why the hell were you with me in the first place? I was never pregnant, you ass. There was no baby.'"
"You said you saw pregnancy tests."
"I did. Two of them. Both of them were positive."
"What about evaporation lines?"
"What?"
"Evaporation lines on pregnancy tests. If they're past the time you're supposed to look at them, the screens can continue changing."
"They were digital tests. It had the word 'pregnant' on the screen. How do you know that?"
"Haley wanted to keep the pregnancy test that she used when she found out she was pregnant with Jack. I know. It was disgusting, but I think it was the hormones. She looked at it a month later and the screen had changed, the evaporation lines had changed. Eventually she threw it out."
"That's… interesting." Spencer really wasn't sure what to say because the idea made him uncomfortable, but, then, Calliope had done the same thing. "She could have had a miscarriage or it was a false positive. Either one would explain why she was so depressed. She loves Emeline and Jack. Thinking she was pregnant and then finding out she either wasn't or had lost the baby would have been devastating. And I wasn't there for her when she needed me."
"Reid, you can't be there if she doesn't let you. Don't beat yourself up over this. You tried. We all know you tried. She knows you tried. You couldn't have done any more than you did."
"I should have thought about this before, Hotch."
"Did she give you any indication that she might be pregnant?"
"Well, no," Spencer conceded reluctantly.
"Then how could you have known?"
Spencer pulled his phone out of his pocket and hit the button to ignore Derek's call. His friend had been calling incessantly, but nothing Derek had to tell him could be nearly as important as what he was dealing with now. Whatever Derek wanted or needed would have to wait.
ooo ooo ooo ooo
"Calliope?" Spencer ran through the rain up the steps to the front door, not having bothered to pull into the garage. He slipped the key into the lock and threw the door open, not waiting to close the door and waiting just long enough to punch in the code to stop the alarm before bolting into the rest of the house. "Calliope?"
"Hi Pers," he greeted the dog absently as Perses jumped up on his hind legs and bounced a bit before falling forward onto all four paws. "Where's your mom? Is she home? Calliope?"
Perses whined pitifully when Spencer brushed past him without stopping to bestow affection on him in the usual homecoming greeting. Not giving up, Perses ran after him and barked at his heel, following him from room to room as Spencer kept calling Calliope's name.
Finally admitting defeat, Spencer sat down on the couch and rubbed his knee. He'd been moving too quickly, put too much strain on the joint, and it was starting to throb in protest. Perses took advantage on Spencer's momentary immobility and jumped up on the couch, put his paws on Spencer's leg and growled. Really growled, not just a playful I've-got-you-sock-so-you-better-chase-me growl, but a serious growl deep in the back of his throat. Spencer looked down and gave the angry dog a half smile, took the dogs' head in his hands and shook it playfully.
"At least I know for sure that one of you still wants me around. Okay, Pers, if you were your mom, where would you go right now if not home? Home. Williamsburg. Shit."
If she showed up at Dahlia with this story and Brenda found out, he'd be worse than dead.
In fact, he'd be better off dead.
Jumping off a bridge would be a fantastic option if Brenda Sellers found out what had happened.
His phone was buzzing again. Letting go of Perses' face, Spencer fished his phone out and was about to hit the ignore button, but thought better of it and answered.
"Morgan, I can't talk. I have to find Callio –"
"Reid. We have Cal."
"We?"
"García and I. We've had her for the past three hours. I've been trying to call you."
"Is… is she okay?" Spencer bit his lip and looked down at Perses, who had settled down and started chewing on the pocket of his pants.
"She's not crying anymore. She's not okay, but she's not crying. She just ate dinner." Derek closed the door of Penelope's bedroom behind him and sat down in a cushy leopard-print chair.
"Did she really eat or just pick at her food?"
"She really ate. Like she hadn't eaten in years. Has she lost weight? She seems skinnier than usual."
"At least fifteen pounds. She's going to the doctor Wednesday."
"Fifteen pounds? From where?"
"I don't know. Where is she?"
"She and García are watching Driving Miss Daisy in the living room."
"Damn."
"What?"
"Driving Miss Daisy is one of the movies she watches when she's incredibly upset. It's one of her comfort movies."
"Of course she's upset, Reid. For someone so smart, you really say some stupid shit. First you accuse her of not wanting your child and getting rid of your baby," Derek rolled his eyes and ran a hand over the back of his neck. Letting his fingers stop for a second, he felt the inked skin of the wings tattooed where the base of his neck met his spine and he closed his eyes. The kid would never know how lucky he was. "Then you accuse her of cheating on you and getting pregnant by another man. Come on, kid. You know she'd never do that to you. She loves you."
"I know, I know. I really messed up." Spencer sighed and scratched Perses' back, ignoring the way the dog chewed on his pants, his teeth ripping the edge of his pocket. "I lashed out. I didn't let her say anything. I should have let her talk. Do you think she'll forgive me?"
"I think she will. She was upset. She didn't want to break up with you, Reid. She was just emotional. You know how that is. Obviously. What the hell happened, kid? That woman is the best damn thing that has ever happened to you and you know it. What were you thinking?"
"I wasn't. That's the entire point. I wasn't thinking. I jumped to conclusions based on one thing and I didn't let her say anything. I ran with my own assumptions. I did the thing first thing they warn you about not doing when you begin the behavioral analysis classes. When I first joined the team, Gideon was always warning me against thinking I knew what was going on based on the first few things I knew. He always warned against fitting facts to fit theories instead of forming theories to fit facts.
"I haven't done that in years, but I did today. I was upset that she wasn't taking care of herself and, subsequently, our baby, so, when she said that she wasn't pregnant, I…" Reid looked down at his hands and cringed. He didn't want to say it.
"I know, Reid. I know. Even your big brain can't contain your emotions all the time. We all do stupid and say stupid things when we're emotional."
"If I come, will Calliope see me?"
"She'll see you. Just get your scrawny butt over here and come get your crazy girlfriend. She misses you and she's afraid you don't want her anymore."
"Of course I want her," Spencer scoffed.
ooo ooo ooo ooo
"Where is she?"
Penelope let him in and held a finger to her lips. "She fell asleep while Hoke was telling Miss Daisy off for inviting him at the last minute."
"She always falls asleep at that point. It's like a reverse alarm clock. Driving Miss Daisy works better than a sleeping pill." Spencer shrugged off his raincoat and hung it on the rack next to Derek's. Penelope drew back and looked at him. "Thank you. For taking care of her."
"Reid, she's my best friend. Well, my best girl friend. Of course I didn't let her do anything stupid. You, on the other hand… I'm not quite sure about at the moment," Penelope followed him as he walked quietly to the couch where Calliope lay schlumped over on a zebra print pillow with a bright blue afghan he recognized well pulled up to her chin. Spencer squatted next to the couch and brushed her hair away from her forehead.
"I love you, Sweetheart," he whispered to her and squeezed her hand as he leaned over and kissed her cheek. Her fingers tightened around his and Spencer saw her pale blonde eyelashes flutter every so slightly. Calliope wasn't asleep. Not quite.
"I'm sorry," she sniffed and pulled his hand to her. "I'm so sorry."
"Me too." Spencer kissed her, careful to just barely press his lips to hers until she kissed him back. "I'm sorry, Sweetheart."
Derek tugged on Penelope's auburn braid and led her out of the room with a hand on the small of her back. "C'mon, Baby Doll," he whispered in her ear and grabbed his coffee. "Let's get out of here. Give them some time privacy."
"It's my house," she protested as they went into the kitchen.
"Pathological snoopy nose."
"Don't quote Dick Van Dyke to me."
Spencer sat down next to the couch, silently happy when she held on tightly to his hand. Neither one of them said anything, simply held each other's hand and sat with their heads close together. Her hand was soft in his and he felt the calluses on her fingers and thumb from her paintbrush. He knew he'd have to say something eventually, but he was glad to just sit with her for a few minutes, knowing that she still wanted him.
"I should have told you," she whispered.
"What happened?"
"That day you left on the case – the one in Missouri –"
"Mississippi."
"Sure. You were out with Derek and you called to tell me, remember?"
"I remember." Of course he remembered. That was the day of the first outright lie he'd ever told her outside of details about his work that she had no business knowing. That was the day he'd gone to Williamsburg. The day he'd had to open a safety deposit box for that ring. Of course he remembered.
"I was going to tell you I was pregnant."
"Why didn't you?"
"I wanted you to be home. I had this big dinner planned and… I went to the doctor that Monday for my first check up."
8 March, 2010
Penelope held Calliope's hand as Calliope lay on the examining table waiting for the doctor to come in. Calliope tapped her neon orange fingernails against the metal framing in time with the tapping of Penelope's foot on the tile floor.
"Why do doctors always make people wait so long before coming in? Especially in gynecologist offices? I mean, when we're waiting to do the whole Pap smear, pelvic exam, breast exam crap every year, we just want to get it the hell over with so we hate it when they take forever. And, like now, I dying to hear the baby's heartbeat and they just refuse to come in. Bah humbug."
Laughing, Penelope nodded her agreement and squeezed her friends' hand. "You'll be fine, Lucy. Hearing it now or in ten minutes isn't going to change anything. Are you sure you want to do this without Reid?"
"I'd rather have Spencer here, but you know how he gets when he doesn't have any information and he's nervous. He'd be unable to sit still and knocking everything over. It's better to tell him when I have something from the doctor to give him. You know him. He needs concrete statistics and details. At least that's what I'm telling myself. Plus, I don't know how long they're going to be in Mississippi on the case and I want to start taking the prenatal vitamins and things as soon as possible."
"Well, look at you, Miss In Control. You've got everything figured out, don't you, Lucy?"
"Naw, I'm still confused about the most important parts."
"Well, Calliope, in this day and age, when a man and a woman fall in love it eventually leads to fornication – a lot of fornication. And contraceptive protection is only so effective."
Neither Calliope nor Penelope could control their laughter and, by the time they calmed down, tears were leaking out of their closed eyes and both women were grabbing the stitches in their sides.
"They're going to kick us out of here, Ethel. I swear to God, we shouldn't be allowed in public together." Calliope wheezed, wiping her eyes. "Ugh, no. That's not what I meant. Funny as hell, but not what I meant. I'm still not sure how to tell Spencer and I'm not sure if I want to know the sex or not. And I have no idea how to tell Emeline."
"Well, Ms. Sellers, you have a while to decide if you want to know the sex or not. We can't find that out until at least the eighteenth or twentieth week of pregnancy. How are you, Ms. Sellers?"
"I'm good, Dr. Shusterman. This is my friend Penelope García. The father, Dr. Spencer Reid, is away on a case right now."
"A doctor? Well, we know the baby's certainly got good genes. Alright, let's get down to business, Ms. Sellers. Our lab is working on your blood tests now and we should have them in half an hour. You came on a good day – not very much going on in the lab today. I already told you that your pelvic exam was good, nothing abnormal and that's a very good place to start. Now, I have some questions for you. First off, when was the first day of your last period?"
"Eight and a half weeks ago. On January fourth."
"Your sure?"
"Yes. I had to go get tampons and Jack asked what they were for. That was an awkward, evasive conversation."
"Alright. So the tentative date of birth will be roughly around November eighth. Do you smoke or drink?"
"Smoke, no. Drink, occasionally, but not on a regular basis."
"Have you ever been pregnant before?"
"No."
"Any diseases, high blood pressure, cancer, genetic or mental diseases, in your family or your partners?"
"Um, my grandpa has high blood pressure and high cholesterol. I don't know about my parents – they both died in a car accident. I know my maternal grandmothers' family has a history of Leukemia, but it's sporadic at best, however, my grandmother did pass away from it. Spencer's mother has, um, has schizophrenia and his father has high cholesterol as well."
"What about you or Dr. Reid?"
"Not that I'm aware of. I mean, I have allergies, but other than that, no. Spencer's three years past the typical age range for schizophrenia to set in."
"Alright. Are you allergic to any medications?"
"Not that I know of."
"Do you use any birth control other than the Yaz I prescribed for you?" Dr. Schusterman was writing in the file as she answered his questions, pausing briefly at moments to look up at her.
"No. Just the Yaz."
"Okay and we already got your blood pressure and all that other good stuff. Are you wanting to see –"
"Yes! I'm dying to."
Dr. Shusterman and Penelope both laughed and Dr. Shusterman stood up and started to get the machine ready.
"Lie a little further down for me, Ms. Sellers. Perfect. Just pull your shirt up over your stomach and this is going to be a bit cold."
Calliope jumped a little when the gel met her skin. "Okay, that was cold. Why do you need to use the jelly?"
"It helps us to get a better connection, so to speak. It improves the image we get because it closes the air gaps that occur without it and gets us the best image of your baby. Lets see if we can find the little guy." The doctor turned his attention to the screen as he moved the transducer slowly over her stomach. "There's your uterus, Ms. Sellers."
Calliope watched in anticipation, squeezing Penelopes' hand and biting the inside of her cheek. "I can't hear the heartbeat."
"We aren't using the Fetal Doppler, so you shouldn't hear the baby. It's the wrong machine for that. This one is just going to show us your baby. We'll use the Doppler in a bit so you can hear the heartbeat, but sometimes these little guys are hard to find this early into the pregnancy. Just give me a minute to find him." Calliope tried to be reassured by the doctors' words, but the expression on his face scared her.
"Is every… Dr. Shusterman, what's wrong?" Calliope's voice wavered and she squeezed Penelope's hand harder. Penelope tightened her grasp on Calliope's hand and poorly masked her concern.
The man didn't respond immediately, rather he wrinkled his forehead and kept moving the transducer over her abdomen. Nothing was showing on the screen. "Ms. Sellers, I'll be right back. I'm going to go see if your lab work is done."
"But what about –"
"I'll be right back," he cut off Penelope's question and hurried out of the room.
"Ethel, what's going on?"
"I don't know, Luce. Are you sure the tests were positive?"
"Yes! I got the digital one so I wouldn't mess it up. And I did both tests in the box. Just in case. They were both positive."
"You're sure?"
"Of course I'm sure. I can read. It said 'pregnant.' There was no 'not' in front of it! It just said 'pregnant.'"
"I'm sorry. I was just asking."
"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. I just want to know what's going on. This gel's getting colder." It felt like forever until Dr. Shusterman came in with a file and a somber look on his face. "What? What is it?"
"Ms. Sellers, your blood test came back negative. Your HGC levels are normal for a non-pregnant woman."
"What does that mean?"
"It means you're not pregnant," Penelope told her, her voice sad and her eyes tearful.
"But, but… I missed my period twice."
"Things can make women miss a period, things like medicine or stress or rapid weight loss or gain. Have you lost weight or been under stress? Changed medicine's lately?"
"Well, I lost a little weight in Haiti and, sure, I was under a lot of stress there."
"How much weight did you lose?"
"F-five pounds maybe?"
"For you, five pounds is a lot. That by itself could cause you to miss your period. If you add stress to that, I'm not at all surprised that you did."
"But the pregnancy tests. They were both positive. Both of them," Calliope desperately kept protesting, trying to find a way for what the doctor was telling her not to be true. "Did… did I have a miscarriage?"
"I don't think so, Ms. Sellers. I don't think you were ever pregnant. You might have messed up with the home tests or they could have been faulty. I'm assuming they were from the same box. The tests could have been expired."
"I checked the date before I bought them and did everything exactly like the instructions said." Calliope took the tissues Penelope handed her and clenched her fingers around them.
"Some tranquilizers can upset the HGC levels. Have you been administered a tranquilizer or taken any medicine with tranquilizer additives lately?"
"I was on Xanax for a week. But that was last June."
"Well, it's possible, highly unlikely, but possible, that you might still have traces on the Xanax in your blood stream and it caused the text to give a positive result. You still have the gel on your abdomen. I can look again if you'd like, but I'm sorry, Ms. Sellers, you're not pregnant."
"N-no. It's… it's okay. I don't want you to try again," Calliope's voice was tearful and she started attacking the sticky gel with the tissues Penelope had given her.
"You know, this might be better this way," Dr. Schusterman didn't understand Penelope's attempted warning when he started this. "I mean, you should really gain some weight before you try again. At least ten or fifteen pounds. Maintaining a healthy weight for a few months before you get pregnant would be good for both you and your baby. Maybe this is just a blessing in disguise."
"Doctor, please." Penelope's voice was tight and insistent.
"Ah… I'll leave you alone. I'm so sorry, Ms. Sellers."
"Oh, Babe, come here." Penelope tried to wrap her arms around Calliope once the doctor had left, but Calliope shook her head.
"I'm all gooby and gross," Calliope sniffed, trying desperately not to cry.
"Like I care," the blonde hugged the redhead close, ignoring the sticky gel that got on her jacket. Running a hand over her back, Penelope rocked her back and forth as she cried. "I know, Baby. I know."
"I was so stupid."
"What? Why?"
"To think this would all work out. To think that we'd loose Eme and just get another chance. To even want this! I can't replace Emeline with another baby just like that. I was so stupid, Pen. So, so stupid."
"You're not stupid, Luce. It's not stupid to want the fairy tale."
Penelope took Calliope home. She spent the afternoon holding her and letting her cry until she couldn't cry anymore. Calliope lay on the couch, comatose and watching Rebecca, while Penelope started cooking dinner. She tried to get Calliope to eat, but she wouldn't. After that, Calliope didn't say anything
She left when Derek called her to say they'd just gotten back to the BAU, but not until she promised Calliope she wouldn't tell Spencer. Penelope couldn't convince Calliope that she had to tell Spencer. She tried, but Calliope wouldn't see reason.
Calliope managed to drag herself off of the couch and into her bedroom. It was too hot it here. It was too hot. She couldn't breath. Calliope pulled her Bangles t-shirt up over her head and tossed it into the corner, not bothering to take it to the laundry basket like she always did. She never left clothing on the floor, but now, her jeans lay next to her shirt and she climbed into bed in just a grey sports bra and green boy shorts.
Calliope rested her hand over her stomach.
There was nothing there.
Nothing.
She heard when Spencer came in, heard him undress and add his clothing to hers and cringed when he crawled on the bed rather than slipping in beside her. She felt his breath on her neck as he leaned close to her.
"Wake up, beautiful." He kissed her spine and let his hand rest across her stomach. Not her stomach. Anyplace but her stomach.
"Don't touch me."
The bed jerked with Spencer's startled movement and Calliope closed her eyes, horrified at causing him pain. He tried to touch her, but she flinched away, cringing inwardly. She couldn't let him touch her.
"Sweetheart? Calliope, what's wrong? Please, Sweetheart. Please talk to me."
"I just want to sleep."
She'd tell him in the morning. She didn't want to talk about it right now. In the morning. Yes. That would be better. She'd tell him first thing tomorrow morning.
"You never told me."
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "The longer I waited, the harder it got to tell you. I wanted to, but I couldn't."
"I wish you'd told me, Sweetheart. I would have understood. I could have been there for you," Spencer leaned his forehead against hers and closed his eyes. "I love you. I would have been there."
"I know. I know you'd have been there," Calliope rolled on her side slightly and brushed his hair out of his eyes and kissed him. "This was never about the idea that you might now be there. This was me."
"Why couldn't I touch you? I don't understand. Why did that upset you?"
"I didn't deserve you," she hung her head. "I treated you like crap and you were showing me such love and kindness. You were so patient." Spencer kissed her, readjusting his hold on her hand and sighed. That wasn't the clear answer he'd wanted, but it was probably as close as he was going to get. "I love you."
"I love you too, Calliope. But you can't shut me out like that again. I can't spend the rest of my life wondering for months at a time why you won't talk to me. This'll only work if we trust each other. And talk."
"The rest of your life?"
"I'm all in this, Sweetheart. A hundred percent. Forever."
A/N:
I'm confused about the World Cup. I mean, what happened? These aren't the teams I watched qualify the past three years. These are new teams. Crappy teams. And I, personally, want to know what happened to the original teams. Ya know, the ones that were actually good footballers. Because I want them back. We only get the World Cup every four years (for which my mum's eternally grateful) and I'd like to actually see some decent football, thank you very much.
I don't know if yall have heard about the recent bullshit drama CBS is trying to play on us, but, if you haven't, allow me to enlighten you. They've cancelled AJ and are negotiating Paget's role down to a few episodes a season rather than a full cast member. They're leaving all four guys and García alone. It's all over the entertainment news, just type in "Criminal Minds" to google and you'll find the hornets nest. The response has been amazing. I for one do NOT want to loose two of the strongest female characters on modern television so CBS can afford to pay the wife-beating Charlie Sheen $2 million an episode for his stupid sitcom. So, sign the petition, call and e-mail CBS, add #SaveTheCMLadies and #WeSupportAJandPaget to your tweets. Even if you don't think you can make a difference, you can.
Anyways... I hope this chapter makes up for the angst and the Ghostie (Scout! haha) and I hope you liked it! Tell me what you think, good or bad!
Love, Thalia
P.S. Oh! And happy Dad's Day for those of you with Dads. Have fun! Tell 'em you love them! I'm gonna go watch home movies. Ciao!