I Remember – Deadmau5
Samara found Shepard in the cargo bay, where she had been spending the vast majority of her time for the three days since the attack on the Collector ship (the other portion of her time was being spent in the med bay, checking up on her recovering teammates). She would hover around the three caskets engaged in a variety of activities: repairing the Kodiak or Hammerhead, applying a modification to her weaponry, or performing stretches or exercises. Today she was reading a paperback novel with an image of a bottle etched with the flute-playing god Pan on the cover.
Shepard looked up at the sound of Samara's heels clacking against the floor. "Shepard."
"Samara. How are you feeling?"
"Our resident Doctor Chakwas is well-versed in asari physiology. She takes excellent care of both myself and her other patients."
"She's a wonderful doctor to have aboard a ship housing so many different species."
"May I sit?" Shepard nodded and gestured to an empty crate next to her seat. "How are you feeling, Shepard?"
"As healthy as always."
"That is not what I meant."
The question threw Shepard off. She had been focusing the entirety of her efforts for the past three days on ensuring the well-being of her crew and her boyfriend, as well as mourning the loss of her fallen teammates. They saw how Shepard suffered and tortured her conscience over the losses but they knew not to broach the subject. They could see the ghosts that haunted her at every waking moment: they would make eye contact, see her haunted and vacuous bottomless black pits for eyes begging to be left to their personal mourning, and send an undesired pitying glance her way before looking away without saying a word. Samara was the first person to break the unsaid rule and ask her, truly, how she was feeling, and the boldness left Shepard wordless.
"You're having difficulty letting them go."
A deep furrow developed in Shepard's brow, but she did not respond. How could she let go those who she had so greatly let down? How could she lay to rest those sheep who had been slaughtered under the protection of their shepherd?
"May I share a story with you?" Samara asked, her blue eyes piercing through Shepard's murky brown depths. The intensity of her gaze was unnerving and Shepard shifted her weight uncomfortably before acquiescing with a nod.
"When I was young, 67 to be precise, my mother became very sick. It was not treatable, and I spent many of her last days at her side. Before she joined the Goddess, she passed wisdom on to me that I have lived by since becoming a justicar. She told me, 'Samara, do not weep that I am passing. Death is a beautiful thing, for the elements of my body will be spread through soil, air, and water, to nourish new life. I am not meeting an end, I am becoming one with the world around me, and I am falling into the same destiny that I will share with my ancestors before me and my children after me. So smile for me, child, for although I have reached the end of this life I will live on forever as part of our galaxy'.
"Do not mourn the dead," she continued, "for it is not their end. They will always be alive in the world around us, and they will live on in our memories. They have been taken out of our world of pain and suffering to be joined with their gods in eternal life."
Silence filled the cargo hold as Shepard tilted her head back and gazed at the ceiling. She let out a quiet sniff as her eyes began to well up with tears, which she brushed off roughly with her forearm.
"Do not live in guilt forever. If I allowed myself to succumb myself to guilt with every death that occurred due to my actions, I would be unable to bear the weight. You are surrounded by those who love you and wish to assist with your burdens, do not deny them that small favour." She stood and turned on her heel, returning to her meditations on the Starboard Observation Deck.
Although it had proved to be exceedingly enlightening, Samara was prepared for her time on the Normandy to come to a close.
"Alright boys, see if you can beat..." Joker laid out his cards. "Two pairs."
Zaeed let out a cough, although it sounded a surprisingly large amount like the word 'weak'. "Full house," he growled, taking a swig of his drink.
After taking down the Collector base and when all the crew members had recovered from their injuries, Shepard had insisted on a small party on the Normandy. Zaeed, Joker, Rupert, Kenneth, and Garrus were at a makeshift poker table in a far corner in the Port Observation Deck, and the rest of the surviving crew were collected into small groups: Gabby and Tali were discussing drive cores; Miranda, Samara, and Shepard were discussing biotic tactics; Kasumi was sitting on Thane's lap, her giggles carrying over the chatter; Kelly and Doctor Chakwas were fawning over Kelly's photographs; and Grunt and Mordin were hiding in a corner, having a hushed discussion (although Garrus could pick up the words 'Wrex' and 'genophage').
Garrus watched as Shepard checked her blinking omni-tool and excused herself from the room before he returned his focus to the card game. He was the last one left with cards in his hand after Kenneth had folded. Thus far, his opponents' inability to read changes in his subvocals was proving very profitable. With a wicked sparkle in his eye he laid down his hand. "Royal flush." He pulled the stacks of chips toward himself. "Thank you, gentlemen, for continuing to support my Viper fund."
The men groaned at the thought of their rapidly emptying pockets, but Joker rallied them to play another round (which, to Garrus's chagrin, Zaeed managed to win).
During the round Shepard had returned to the room and approached the bar. "Attention, crew, I'd like to say a few words."
Garrus's attention immediately went to the bar, which Shepard had just stood up on.
"First, and most importantly, I'd like to dedicate a toast to those with whose sacrifices we wouldn't be here. To Jack, to Legion, and to Jacob."
A quiet "hear, hear" went through the group as they drank.
"I can certainly say that if those three were here this party would be a lot louder." As the crowd laughed lightly, Shepard shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot.
"Second, to The Illusive Man. He may be an insufferable asshole, but he sure knows how to bring together a fantastic group of people." A laugh passed through the group before they drank again.
"Third, I'd like to dedicate another toast. This one is to you. Thank you for trusting me, and for fighting by my side through the madness of the Collectors. All of you have done a great service to the galaxy, and each of you is an exemplary model of your people.
"Our time as a group is passing. We must all travel to rally our people. They must learn of the threat of the Reapers, and since we've all had a taste of what's to come we need to help in what ways that we can. I trust all of you not to let me down." She raised her glass. "To you, the toughest bunch the galaxy has ever seen." Garrus paused to observe the beauty in her motion before he finished his own drink. She stepped down from the bar and made her way to the poker table, her expression troubled.
"Gentlemen, you don't mind if I borrow Garrus for a hand, do you?"
"Take him!" Kenneth exclaimed. "Take him for ten hands. He's taking all of my money!"
Shepard laughed, and Garrus stood to follow her out. After the Port Observation door had closed, he took her hand and pulled her in tight to his body. "Is everything alright?" he whispered into her hair.
"I just got a message from Hackett." She looked up into his eyes. "They want me to come back to Earth, and soon, for my trial."
Garrus felt his heart pounding. "You don't have to go," he said softly, running his talons through her hair. He adored her hair; the texture, the smell, the way it shined. "You don't need to justify what you did. Although it was difficult, you made the right decision. Hackett knows that, at least. The rest of them are using you as an avoidance tactic against the real Reaper problem."
"I have to do this. It's my duty to my people to go when they summon me. It's the right time... right for the crew to start making their own individual impact. Tali needs to rally the flotilla, Grunt needs to garner krogan support, Mordin needs to get back in contact with the STG." She paused and swallowed hard. "I need you to go to the turians, Garrus. We need to make sure they're prepared for what's coming. They need to know."
His gaze fell. Although she was right – as usual – it didn't mean that it was the easiest route. "I'll go wherever you need me to go, Shepard. Just promise me..." He rested his forehead on hers and inhaled deeply, savouring the moment. "Promise me that as soon as you can, we'll be together again."
"I don't know what they'll do with me," she whispered. "If they don't let me go, they could court martial me, they could send me to prison-"
"Good thing you'll have me to break you out." He kissed her, hard. "I'll always have your back, Shepard."
"Don't know what I'd do without you," she muttered, before kissing him again. "Ready to go back in and win some more poker games?"
"I'm ready, but I doubt they're ready."
He turned to open the door, but she stopped him quickly. "Wait." She grabbed onto his hand and held it firmly. "Now I'm ready."
His words catching in his throat, his mandibles flickered into a broad smile. They walked into the room, hand-in-hand, and stunned the poker table to silence when Shepard sat on Garrus's lap.
Zaeed broke the silence. "Finally you two are coming out with it and we don't have to play dumb anymore."
The table broke into raucous laughter and Rupert dealt the next hand. Shepard whispered into Garrus's ear and kissed him gently while they whittled away the rest of the evening playing poker.