Chapter 38
I tossed and turned all night. I know I did the right thing with Christian. If we are going to work on any level it has to be on my terms. What if he calls my bluff? What will I do if he doesn't show up tomorrow night? I have to put it out of my head. I did what I had to do. I can date. I am not committed to him on any level. He made sure of that. Consequences are a bitch. I am not doing this to make him suffer. I am doing it for me. It is time I put "me" first. Damn him for making me feel guilty. The next morning I dress and head to work. Just after 9 am Jacob calls.
"Hey Ana, I was wondering if you were available on Thursday? I had a great time last night and I wanted to show you more of the city."
"Yes, I am available Thursday. I had a great time last night also and I look forward to another adventure with you."
I hang up and get back to work. There may be no sparks, but I enjoy his company. After work Joe drives me home. I spend the next 2 hours primping for my date tonight. There is a gnawing in my gut that I may have pushed him too hard. What if he doesn't show? At 7 pm there is a knock. I run feeling giddy and excited about what the night holds in store. I gather my nerves and open the door.
"Anastasia Steele?"
A large man in a suit stands in the doorway."
"Yes sir, how may I help you?"
"Mr. Grey sent me to deliver this note and regrets about this evening."
My heart sinks when he hands me the folded piece of paper. My worst fear realized.
"Thank you sir."
I shut the door and sink to the floor. Opening the note I recognize Christian's handwriting.
Ana-
I am sorry that I will not be able to make our date tonight. I have been kept away by business this evening. I truly wish this was something I could reschedule, but it requires immediate attention.
So sorry,
Christian
Bull shit! He is using a business as an excuse to avoid the obvious. I am not worth the fight. He has to have his way. I really can't believe he did this to me, but part of me is not surprised. I go to my room and undress, putting on my pajamas. I take out a book and curl up on the couch and read. Damn him! I am now glad that I accepted a second date with Jacob. My phone rings with Conner's number.
"Hey Ana, what's up?"
"Just curled up with a book."
"Great then you aren't busy. I have a few friends going to check out Jacob's band play tonight. I was curious if you wanted to come with?"
"That sounds great. Give me about 20 min. I think Joe is still available. I'll have him drive me. What is the address?"
"I'll text it over."
"Thanks Conner, I am really looking forward to it."
I hang up and promptly receive the address via text:
Pianos, 158 Ludlow St.
I call Joe and make sure he is available to drive me. He agrees and within 20 minutes I am on the road to a night out with friends. This is just what I need to get my mind off of Mr. Grey. I guess I know where I stand with Christian. It's time to move on. This realization is like a knife stabbing my heart. I put it out of my mind and focus my energy on enjoying my evening. Conner meets me at the door with his friend Nathan. They are rarely anywhere without one another and after some comments from Kelly, I know that Nathan is more than just a friend to Conner. They complement each other well. The evening goes off well. Jacob is an amazing artist. I can imagine buying their album and I would not be surprised if they do make it big. I stay to the end to make sure and speak to him.
"That was amazing. I am so happy Conner invited me."
"I am so glad you came." He hugs me. "I look forward to Thursday night. Can I pick you up at work again?"
"Sounds perfect, I better get going or I am going to be exhausted tomorrow." I kiss him on the cheek and turn to Conner.
"Conner, do you mind if I catch a ride with you?"
"Not at all, my driver is just around the corner. I'll make sure you make it home."
"I appreciate it. I know it is out of your way."
"Actually, I am staying with Nathan tonight and he is also uptown."
About 30 minutes later I arrive home. I secretly wonder if Christian is home. Part of me wants to walk over and give him a piece of my mind. I decide against it. He spoke volumes with his note and I don't think talking about it will do any good. It is what it is. I go upstairs, realizing it is after 2 am. I crash – tomorrow is going to be a very long day. 7 am comes entirely too soon. I hop in the shower in hopes to revive my sleepy head. The steady stream of hot water proves affective. Getting dressed I notice Christian's gifts still tucked away in my closet. I make a mental note to send them back. Why does he have to be so stubborn? I grab a yogurt and granola and head out the door. I run directly into a wall of muscle.
I grab Ana when she runs into me head on. Her yogurt explodes all over my suit. I guess I will be changing before my meetings this morning.
"Sorry I wasn't prepared for you to come out the door," I smile and look down at the mess splattered on me.
She doesn't smile back in fact she seems quite irritated.
"Did you get my note?"
"Oh, yes I got your note and regrets. Don't you think a phone call would have been better? How dare you use business as an excuse, honestly it would have been better had you just not sent any word at all."
She storms away. I grab her arm spinning her to face me.
"It wasn't an excuse, Ana. I wanted to call, but I really didn't have any way of doing so. I sent word the only way I could. I know what it must seem like to you, but honestly I was tied up with business." I lean down and kiss her cheek. "I would have moved heaven and earth if I could have prevented cancelling with you last night. I know I don't want to share, but your words hit hard the other night. We are in this predicament because I didn't trust you and as much as it drives me mad to see you with someone else it will not deter me from my goal. I will make you MINE again and if that means I have to play by your rules then so be it."
"Really? You are willing to compromise? Christian, you don't know how happy this makes me. I am not playing games with you. I need to know that if we get back together exclusively I have no doubts. I want to be completely confident in my decision. I want to be able to give myself to you completely and I am just not there yet."
She kisses my lips softly. The heat rises in my blood. I wonder if she can still feel the attraction between us? God I want her. I would take her in this hallway if there wasn't so much distance between us emotionally. My imagination runs wild when she puts her hand on the nape of my neck and then runs her fingers through my hair. Just when I can tell she is losing control she pushes back.
"I'm sorry, I got carried away. It won't happen again," she looks at her feet.
"You can lose control anytime you want, I quite enjoyed it." I lift her chin. "I am yours Ana. You can do with me as you please."
She blushes and changes the subject.
"I'm free tonight… You know if you want a redo on our date? I can be ready at 7 pm." She winks.
"Oh, I desperately want a rain check. I will be here at 7 pm. Nothing will keep me away tonight. I don't care if the company is crumbling I won't give you any more doubts about how serious I am to win you back. I'll walk you down to the car if you don't mind."
"I would like that, thank you."
She gets in the car, I wait until she is out of sight then I go back home to change. Tonight I will get back what it mine.
After work I repeat the process from yesterday. I choose a sundress and sandals. I stand in front of the mirror for a long while questioning if I gave in too easily to Christian. He has a way of breaking down my defenses. I will have to be careful tonight. The passion that he ignites could be my down fall. I will have to keep him at arms-length. Tonight I want to get some stuff off my chest and I want the questions answered. We need to put to rest what happened before we can think of moving forward. The knock brings me out of my thoughts. I ignore my nerves and open the door. Christian stands in jeans and a slightly tight t-shirt. Oh my. He looks extremely hot tonight. My body is already betraying me. The heat rises and I know my cheeks are flushed. Arms-length Ana, get some self-control. He sees right through me.
"Like what you see Miss Steele?"
I reach up and swat his arm.
"Shut up, let's go." I grab my purse.
In the car I stay on my side and I guess he can tell I need some space because he doesn't try to close the space. The tension is thick. I decide to get the awkward conversation out of the way.
"What exactly did Charlotte say to you that made you believe I was hiding things from you?"
"Ana I really don't want to spend this evening talking about how royally I screwed up."
"Well unfortunately for you I need some answers."
"You're not going to let this go are you? "
"Nope," I say emphatically.
"I don't know exactly what she said that made me believe her. She just said that she saw you in the drug store buying a pregnancy test and by the look on your face it must have been for you. Looking back I can clearly see how ridiculous it was to fly off the handle based on her word. At the time I let my negative thoughts take over. I went against all of my rules with you. I didn't do a background check, you never signed an NDA, and I started a relationship with you not a contractual agreement. I went to Elena, now I realize how stupid that was. I am not making excuses, but Elena has been my one constant for the last 12 years. She has helped me navigate through a very hard time in my life."
"Christian that is not called navigating. What she did was sick. I cannot believe you can't see how wrong it is on so many levels. I will never understand how you think that her relationship with you was normal. She should have been locked away."
"Ana I don't expect you to understand. You didn't know me then. I was not who I am today. I was angry, out of control and a raging mass of hormones. I couldn't stand to be touched. Elena helped me find a way to deal with my issues."
"You're right Christian I didn't know you then. I am certain there were other ways to help you with your issues. She is a predator and nothing you say will change my mind. I can see the evil in her eyes. She doesn't want you to be happy Christian she wants you to be dependent on her forever. I am a threat to her. What exactly was her advice about your pregnancy suspicions?"
"She fed my fears. She made me question everything I trusted you with. I hadn't taken any precautions with you. All I saw was my carefully controlled and planned world crumbling. I understand now that Elena only fueled my fears because she knew she was losing her hold on me. I know I can't take back what I did to you. I have spent the last 3 weeks trying to make things right. Do you remember John Flynn that you met at the Coping Dinner?"
"Yes, what does he have to do with any of this?"
"He is my therapist. I have been seeing him for 6 years. Like you, he has tried to convince me that Elena's motives were for her benefit and not mine. I never saw any of it, until I lost you. I see Elena in a new light and I recently cut all personal ties with her. Flynn has been my voice of reason since I met you. He is responsible for keeping me from jumping off a ledge. I let my insecurities get the best of me and I am sorry."
"Kate told me that you spoke to your mom? I assume she explained the situation? I had planned on telling you everything after dinner that night, but when you attacked me and mentioned Charlotte and Elena I was so hurt I couldn't even find the words to defend myself."
I kiss her hand.
"I really am sorry Ana. I love you more than anything. I will find a way to make this up to you. Now let's put that behind us. I want to enjoy this evening. Can we start over?" I extend my hand. "My name is Christian Grey. What is your name?"
I smile, "My name is Anastasia Steele. Aren't you a famous and powerful CEO?"
"That is part of who I am, but more importantly I am just a man that is looking forward to getting to know you, the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on."
The car stops in front of the restaurant. The sign says Babbo. Joe mentioned this restaurant while on my tour of the city. We enter and are seated at a table in the back corner of the restaurant. Christian orders wine and food. There are some things that I know he enjoys and making sure I eat well is control I don't mind giving to him. We spend dinner getting reacquainted. We ask all the little questions that you ask when you are getting to know someone. We skipped over all of this the first time. I am enjoying learning that Christian has a fun, easy going side. I hope I will see more of it as time goes on. After dinner we head north on foot. I slip my hand into his. It feels so comfortable being next to him. We stop in front of the Empire State Building. Joe had driven me by during my sightseeing a few weeks back, but I didn't have the patience for the line since there were so many other sights to see.
"Are we going to the top?" I ask.
"I know I said I would take you out on a "normal date", but you know how hard it is not to go over the top. I have a million things I want to do with you while we are in the city. I figured this was a good compromise not too flashy, I hope. Plus the view is so amazing at night."
"I love it! Thank you. I haven't had a chance to see the city from this vantage point. It has been on the list, but I just haven't found the time."
We take the elevator to the 86th floor. I step onto the observation deck.
"Oh my God! It is beautiful."
I walk around to each side, giddy like a child. I have never seen anything quite like it. The lights of the city are like a million tiny stars that stretch for miles.
I stand back watching her enjoy the view. She is so breathtaking. While she takes in the city, I take her in. So alive and full of life, Ana appreciates even the smallest things. I see my world when I look into her eyes and it is a world of adventure like I have never known. I make a mental note, not to push her. I want her badly in every way, but I don't want to scare her. I decide to accept each victory no matter how small. The look on her face right now is worth everything. After an hour I know I have to take her home. I walk her to the door kiss her on the cheek. I secretly hope she will lean in for more. When she doesn't I don't linger.
"Thanks for going out with me. I had a great time. I hope we can do it again soon."
"Thank you Christian is was truly wonderful. I would love to see you again."
"Ana, I would see you every night if you wanted. Are you free tomorrow?"
"I'm not, sorry. I have a date with Jacob. I am not telling you this to hurt you. I just want to be up front with you. Please know that I will always be honest with you. I can tell you that I loved being with you tonight. I don't know if I am ready for more, but I am looking forward to more nights like tonight."
"Since you are being honest, I want to express my disgust with you dating Jacob. I know that I agreed to your terms and I will honor my word. I just want you to know that it tears me up knowing that another man will be enjoying time with you. I trust you Ana and only because of that I will accept this for now. I hope you will change your mind about me. I love you! I will call you later and we can set up another date. I can't wait to see you again."
I turn and go. I will have to speak to Flynn about the rage I feel. I need to sort this out so I don't do something stupid.