Chapter Thirty-Four - To Forgive, Divine
Bruno sat at his desk, staring at a newspaper photograph of himself and TaraLeila at the opera. Slowly, without even realizing what he was doing, he traced his fingertips along the image of her face, remembering the warmth of her lips against his, the joyous tears in her eyes and her open smile as she'd thanked him for giving her one of the greatest pleasures in her life.
I didn't think... it would hurt this much, he thought, unaware of his own tears until one splashed onto the newsprint. How can one heart hold so much pain?
The sound of his door opening made him look up, and he saw Licht standing in the doorway, twisting his long blond hair around his fingers nervously.
"Brunie?" he said softly, then Licht winced when he saw the tears on Bruno's face.
He, Leonhard, and Kai weren't entirely certain what had happened yesterday after Eins' unexpected visit, but after Bruno skipped dinner that night, it was clear that something had gone terribly wrong between him, TaraLeila, and Heine. Then during the following morning's lessons, Heine was out of sorts, and Bruno unnaturally subdued.
And of TaraLeila, there was no sign.
Licht quietly sighed, closed the door behind him, approached Bruno, and perched on the corner of his desk. He silently handed his brother a handkerchief, and for a moment, Bruno just stared at it before accepting it with a nod of thanks and removing his spectacles to wipe away his tears.
Seeing the photograph on the desk, Licht's suspicions were confirmed.
"Would talking about it help?" he asked quietly.
Bruno slowly shook his head, replacing his glasses. "No. I'm... I'm afraid that too much was said yesterday already."
"Was it really that bad?"
Bruno's gaze became distant as he remembered the pain in TaraLeila's eyes and in Heine's.
"Do... do you remember the fight we had, and... and you'd said you wished we weren't brothers?"
Licht nodded with a slight shudder, and Bruno went on, his voice hoarse.
"What I said yesterday to Master and to TaraLeila was far worse. I spoke in anger and I wanted to hurt them both, not that it justifies my behaviour in the least. And... and I'm still angry, but right now, I'm angrier at myself because I thought I was better than that, but I don't know how to move past it." He rested his face in his hands and mumbled, "I don't know how to make things right."
The brothers sat in silence for a little while.
"'It's true there are times when a person might make a mistake and go down the wrong path,'" Licht mused at last. "'Though mistakes happen, I believe in giving people second chances, not punishing them for the sins of their past.'"
Bruno lifted his head and looked up at his brother.
"Pardon?"
"That's what you said to the Counts the day we went to plead Heine's case. Remember?" Licht shrugged elegantly. "I guess this is where you decide if you really meant what you said that day. Because if you do, then no matter what else was said or done between the three of you, you should give Heine and Dame TaraLeila a second chance... and give yourself one, too."
A slightly wry smile quirked the corner of Licht's mouth as he patted Bruno on the head with a hint of his usual insouciance.
"Don't forget, Father said you have to be more flexible, so try bending a little and being the better man here. Besides, it's a good thing to make mistakes every once in a while. Keeps you humble, Brunie."
With a wink, Licht stood up and headed toward the door, until his brother's voice stopped him.
"Licht."
The youngest prince looked back over his shoulder at Bruno. "Hmm?"
Bruno stood up and crossed the room to rest his hands on his brother's shoulders, then a very slight smile touched his lips.
"Thank you, brother."
Licht smirked and poked Bruno in the chest with one finger.
"It's nothing, but just remember this the next time you get in my face about me being better at relationships than you."
With that, he circled behind Bruno and began pushing him toward the door. "Now, off you go... I'm not leaving this room unless you leave it in front of me. Come on, come on, stop dragging your feet and go apologize already."
Bruno growled as he was forced to open his bedroom door before Licht shoved him facefirst into it.
"I take back every nice thing I've ever said about you."
"You've never said anything nice about me in the first place, Brunie..."
To their surprise, however, neither Heine nor TaraLeila were anywhere to be found in the palace, nor were they out in the gardens, even after recruiting Leonhard and Kai to help them look.
"You... you don't think they left... like, really left... do you?" Licht wondered, his eyes troubled, and a glance at Bruno revealed that his brother had been thinking the same thing.
"I don't believe so, but... well, we have been wrong before."
"Perhaps Father knows where they might have gone," Kai suggested, and so the brothers headed to the king's office, where they were soon ushered inside by Erich.
"My boys! Have you come to visit your papa?" Viktor said cheerfully, coming around his desk to embrace them. "I'm always happy to see you, though I am terribly busy-"
"Father, it's about Heine and Dame TaraLeila," Licht began, and immediately Viktor sobered.
"Did something happen?"
Licht looked at Bruno, who poured out the entire story in an agony of embarrassment while his brothers stared wide-eyed, and Viktor looked somber.
"I see."
"Father, I know I cannot make things right between Master and Dame TaraLeila, but I can do my best to make things right between myself and each of them, only... well, we can't find them anywhere in the palace."
"Well, I can't say that I know where Dame TaraLeila has gone, but... I can think of one place where Heine might be, especially if the source of his distress is Dame TaraLeila herself."
"Where is that, Father?" Bruno asked, wanting nothing more than to leave and find the pair of them immediately.
"Where it all began, my son," Viktor said gently.
Heine stepped into the cool dimness of Maria Vetsera Church, removing his cap as he entered. The tutor made his way down the center aisle to stand before the small altar, his head bowed.
I never meant to hurt either of them, but it seems that every time I try to keep something a secret, it devastates those closest to me. In this, I am even more of a fool than I'd realized. But it's not too late for them... if I were to leave, they might still have a chance to find their way back to each other.
As he closed his eyes, however, memories came forward like silent ghosts.
A single gunshot.
Blood staining the cobblestones.
Blinding rage.
The dark chill of the stone walls.
The soft glow of moonlight.
The cold weight of the manacles.
"Dear God, let Viktor recover from this. If you let him live, I'll do anything you ask of me."
Every night, for twenty-five long years, Heine remembered his own words, the only prayer he had ever offered up to God in his entire life.
Now, as he knelt in the chapel, his body trembled faintly as he bowed his head until his forehead rested on his folded hands, heedless of the tears slowly sliding down his cheeks.
"Your social status, your background, that does not define who you are. It has shaped you, yes. You wouldn't be the man you are, were it not for that. But the good that you have done, that you are doing even now, is because of who and what you are... not in spite of it."
Can I truly do this, Lord? Am I allowed to finally set aside this burden I've carried for twenty-five years? I do not wish to forget what I have learned as a result of that terrible night, but...
Suddenly he heard his own words to Prince Bruno.
"Imagine - you are on your deathbed. As your consciousness wavers, you may think, 'I wish I had taken a chance.' But time will not turn back for anyone, not even a prince."
A sudden pang went through him.
So many times, I've wished I could turn back time, to undo that terrible night, but if I had... how much worse would things be now? That was the beginning of Granzreich's true future as a prosperous nation. Could it be that I had already done what You wanted of me? To endure those weeks of desperation and uncertainty and hopelessness, so that no one else would have to? To shape Viktor's dreams and hopes for his subjects?
He remembered a clear autumn night, the sky full of stars and the city lights below warm and glowing.
"One of these days, you'll all have a warm place to sleep. You'll never want for food, and you'll have equal access to education. I want to make this a prosperous nation. When the time comes, Heine, will you help me achieve my goal?"
He sighed, but the memories would not be silent.
"Meeting you allowed me to change this kingdom, Heine. It changed my heart as well. Most importantly, you changed my sons into men of character."
I made a promise, he thought. That to make all that come true, I would endure anything. And I have. I have pushed myself harder than I'd ever thought possible, fought to learn and better myself so I could in turn better others. And... I have succeeded. But there is still so much more. Our dream is not yet realized... so, I must continue.
For a moment, he dared to see past his own innate cynicism, and saw the future laid out before him - a Granzreich of equality, prosperity, and peace. He saw a wise and gentle king on the throne, supported by his brothers' individual skills and strengths, and then another generation, and another.
I cannot give up now. I will not. Not as long as my king needs me... and his sons.
Heine thought of the princes, and fresh tears came to his eyes.
Once before, when I thought my presence would do the princes more harm than good, I left. I see now that I was wrong to have done so. They believe in me... even if I do not believe in myself. So... how can I give up this time?
Then, as clearly as he had felt the chains fall away twenty-five years ago, he felt the guilt and shame fall from his spirit.
And slowly, finally, Heine smiled through his tears.
Yes... I understand now. Viktor wanted a prosperous nation for all of us, and that includes me. It always has.
Then he thought of TaraLeila and winced in regret for what he'd said to her.
It was unforgivable to throw such accusations in her face when I am just as guilty, to say nothing of keeping my true feelings from her all these years. I took away her right to decide for herself what she might have wanted from me... from us. I see now that I was the one who was not ready.
He sat and squared his shoulders as he took a deep breath, then let it out slowly.
So I must value all the more what I have now - the friendship and respect of a good woman. And I will be grateful that she and the pupil I care for have found their happiness in one another.
He heard the doors of the church open behind him, and he turned to look over his shoulder.
As he saw a familiar figure silhouetted in the doorway, time seemed to suddenly turn back for the tutor, and his breath caught in his chest.
For a long, long time, the two stood at opposite ends of the church, gazing at one another, then TaraLeila came down the aisle to stand beside the tutor.
Heine closed his eyes and sighed.
"Tara, I..."
What do I say? What can I say to make things right?
Opening his eyes once more, he rose from the pew, took her hands in his, and bowed his head over their hands, resting his forehead on their joined fingers.
"Forgive me."
Before she could say anything, he went on, his voice low and harsh. "I had no right to accuse you of keeping secrets when I've been doing the same for five years. Even worse, to have you come to me about others making decisions for you when... when I'd done just that myself... I should have told you five years ago, Tara."
"Told me what?" she whispered.
"That I... I fell in love with you that first night we met. But I never said anything because of my own fears, my own stupid pride. Instead of letting you decide for yourself how you might come to feel about me, I buried that feeling inside me until, in time, it became respect and friendship instead of love."
Heine's fingers tightened around hers as tears came to his eyes. "I know that now I've lost all chance of ever having your love, but... but I won't... I can't lose your friendship, too. You mean too much to me."
As she felt the warmth of his tears on her fingers, her own eyes became misty, and she gently placed her hand against his cheek to raise his head.
"'Tis nothin' to forgive between us, Heine."
Then the two were in each other's arms, embracing one another tightly.
"I'll make it up to you, I swear," he whispered fiercely, but she shook her head.
"No, Heine. I've... I've come to say goodbye."
The tutor went absolutely ashen and stepped back from her. "What?"
"I'm leavin' Granzreich. I've already spoken to Sir Etienne, and by the time the conference is over, another Knight will have arrived to escort him home."
"You can't leave. Not like this," Heine protested, his voice quiet but firm, but she shook her head again, refusing to look him in the eyes.
"No. The prince was right. 'Tis the only way I can be certain no' to hurt Bruno's chances of becomin' king. So I've made up my mind. I'll leave and no' return. In time..." She held up her hands to stop him from speaking, afraid that if she let him speak, her resolve would weaken. For the first time, her voice faltered. "In time... mayhap he... he and ye can forgive me."
"Then it is time for a lesson," came Bruno's voice, and TaraLeila and Heine turned in surprise to see the four princes standing in the doorway of the church.
"Highnesses," Heine said, startled, as the brothers came down the aisle to stand before him and TaraLeila. A quick glance at TaraLeila's face revealed mingled joy and sorrow of seeing Bruno, and Heine realized that she'd planned to leave without saying goodbye to the prince.
"I'm disappointed in you, Dame TaraLeila," Leonhard said, ignoring the violent shushing he was getting from Licht and Bruno. "I didn't think Knights were the type to just up and leave."
"Leonhard!" Bruno hissed.
"We heard every word, and dearest brother Bruno told us what happened. And if we went through all that trouble to keep Heine from leaving back when he was feeling all guilty about possibly hurting us, what makes you think we'd just let you go, especially just because Eins was being mean, and with how Bruno feels about you?"
TaraLeila's eyes flashed to Bruno's, and while the prince hated himself for the agony he saw in her eyes, he steeled himself and did not look away.
"Ye told them?"
"And Father as well," Licht added, and TaraLeila groaned and hid her face in her hands.
"We came here to find the Professor, but we were hoping you might be here as well," Kai said quietly.
Leonhard then planted himself solidly in front of TaraLeila.
"'Running away may seem like a solution, but hiding from your problems will not make them go away,'" he declared, his hands on his hips, and Heine's eyes narrowed as he recognized his own words to the prince so long ago.
"Ye don't understand, prince," TaraLeila said sadly, even as she smiled wanly at Leonhard's posturing. "I don't want to go, but I have no choice." She started to leave, but Licht blocked her path.
"'Always remember - before quitting something you want to do, you should always explore alternative solutions,'" he said with a grin.
TaraLeila raked her fingers through her hair in exasperation and despair. "Can ye no' understand that for me to stay would be impossible?"
Once again, she tried to leave, only to find Kai standing in front of her, and unlike Licht, Kai was much taller than she.
Kai's soft voice cut across her protest. "'Please don't give up. Do not deprive yourself of finding people who will understand and care for you.'"
"STOP IT!" TaraLeila cried, putting her hands over her ears and pushing past Kai, but then Bruno was in front of her. She looked up at him, her pale blue eyes full of anguished tears.
"Please don't," she whispered brokenly, reaching up to put her fingers over his lips before he could say a word. "Don't, I... I can't risk hurtin' ye any worse than I already have. I'm no' worth it."
Gently taking her hands in his and holding them to his chest, Bruno rested his forehead against hers and whispered, "'You only have one life to live, and it is yours alone. Do you require any other reason to follow your heart?'"
At that, she completely broke down in his arms, and Bruno held her gently as she wept.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," she sobbed over and over against his chest, but Bruno just held her tighter.
When TaraLeila finally regained some measure of composure, she lifted her head and looked at Heine and the other princes, who were all looking on with satisfied smiles.
"Why would all of ye go through all of this just for me?" she asked, wiping her eyes with a handkerchief that Bruno has passed to her.
"Because you believe in the same things we do, Tara," Heine replied, watching his friend and his pupil with quiet affection. "You want a nation where everyone has a warm place to lay their heads, where no one wants for food or drink, where there is full access to education, and most of all... you want a peaceful nation."
The group headed back to the palace, with Heine joining the princes in their carriage, while TaraLeila rode alongside on Torran and leading Heine's horse. Once they returned, Heine turned to the princes.
"Your Highnesses, if you will excuse me, Dame TaraLeila and I still have some unfinished matters to resolve."
"Only if you both agree to join us for dinner this evening," Licht said with a wink, and both TaraLeila and Heine nodded.
"We'd be honoured, Your Highnesses," she said quietly, bowing to the four of them.
The princes headed back to their chambers, and TaraLeila followed Heine to his rooms.
As she took a seat, she gave him an inquiring look.
"What did ye want to speak to me about? I mean, I think we'd gotten everythin' out into the open at the church."
Heine shook his head and took a seat opposite her.
"Not quite. You came to me for advice and wisdom, and finally, with everything 'out in the open,' as you put it, I can give it to you. I know that you love Prince Bruno, and he feels the same way about you. But what it all comes down to is your choice between pursuing your calling as a Knight, and pursuing your own happiness with Prince Bruno as a noblewoman of the Marches and of Granzreich."
TaraLeila nodded again, and waited for him to continue.
"It was one thing to consider the whole idea in theory, without ever really knowing what personal contentment and happiness is. You couldn't truly make that choice until you knew what it meant to love and be loved." He reached across and gently took her hands in his. "But now you know. Tara, I beg of you, don't make the same mistake I did. Don't turn your back on the joy and love and happiness you deserve. You've served the Knights for ten years... it's time to look to your own heart, and to your true self."
"Ye think I should take back my name," TaraLeila said quietly. "No' just to accept my title of nobility here in Granzreich."
"I think you won't be truly at peace with yourself until you do," Heine admitted.
"But what about the scandal?" she protested. "Eins was correct when he said 'twould hinder Bruno's chances to become king, and I could never do that to him."
"If you wanted to focus on it as scandal, that'd be true. Under any other circumstances, how your parents died would be scandalous. But their deaths took place in the middle of a war. Granzreich has known its share of strife and troubles, and the fact that an innocent survived and went on to become something greater as a result is a powerful symbol. Besides, if you are the one to make the matter known to the public, you set the tone, not your enemies."
She stared at him, her pale blue eyes wide.
"Ye really think 'twould matter?"
"It's better than cowering in the shadows, ruled by the opinions of others. That isn't you, Tara, it never has been."
"And what of those clans that were part of the Highlands Uprisin' eighteen years ago? 'Twas because of them that James hid me away in the first place - he feared that they'd do me some harm because my father supported the king."
"That may be so, but consider this, Tara," Heine said quietly. "You've spent most of your life serving as a non-partisan Knight. You have consistently demonstrated that you put the good of the people above any nation's political agenda or power struggle, whether within or without. Even if some might say you're beholden to the King for protecting you all these years, you can still build your reputation as someone willing to challenge him if he puts politics above people, and neither side would argue with you for doing so since you've been doing just that as a Knight."
TaraLeila opened her mouth to protest, then closed it again and pondered that for a while.
"Ye may be right," she mused at last, twining a long lock of black hair around her fingers. "I must admit, I'd no' thought of it that way before." Then her face fell once more. "Of course, if I do accept my title, I'm woefully untrained for administering an earldom."
Heine rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Well, you mentioned that you had been offered promotion within the Knights. Surely you could learn something about administering your county while doing the same for the Knights, especially if your current steward is in fact a fellow Knight, correct?"
She gave him a faint smile. "Are ye sure ye've no' been talkin' to my Domini?"
"No, I assure you." He rose and came to stand before her, resting his hands on her shoulders. "Tara, please understand. Whatever your decision is, I will always be wishing for your happiness and success. Whether commoner or noble, Knight or not, I will always consider you my friend."
She gently cupped his cheek as her eyes met his, and he saw the faintest shimmer of tears as she softly kissed his forehead.
"And I, ye."
To be continued...