Songs About Me
So... uh... Hi...Um, I'm still here. Thank you so much for not abandoning me. I wouldn't blaim you if you did. I know it's been a LONG time since I've updated. I'm sorry. I know that you've probably heard all these excuses but they're true: writer's block, school/work/life, procrastination, crappy computer. The last one's especially true. My computer died. It went belly-up and there's no fixing it. I had to save enough money for a new one, sooo, I couldn't update when I wanted to. Again, sorry for taking so long.
Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.
Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Five Finger Death Punch or any lyrics.
Chapter 37: Jekyll and Hyde
"If I wasn't so deranged, could I ever face the pain? / If I ever want to change, would this all remain the same?" - Jekyll and Hyde, Five Finger Death Punch
Rachel looks up from her book. It doesn't take long for the book to drop, forgotten, in her lap. Her mind is on just about anything but her book. Tired of interruptions and wanting some time alone, Rachel's at the park. The book is new, the next in a series. She's eager to read it but now she can't focus on it.
Rachel keeps thinking back to her session with Dr Patterson. 'Could he be right? Could I be ready to start a relationship? Was that even possible after what I've been through? I just want a chance to be normal. Is that too much to ask?'
Rachel's mind races with questions but she has no answers. She almost wishes that someone that she trusts would tell her what to do. That way, whatever happens, it wouldn't be because of her. She wouldn't be responsible for making the wrong decision.
Rachel sighs, 'I think Gar likes me but I'm so messed. Why would Gar like me? He should probably be running away from me as fast as he can. What do I do?'
"I think it's wonderful that he likes you."
Rachel's surprised to hear someone answering her thoughts. She's further surprised when she looks for the source of the voice. The girl next to her resembles Rachel, only this new girl has a pink light shining down on her, giving her a pink glow
"I think it's wonderful," repeats the pink Rachel. "It's about time you get to be happy."
"Uh ..." says Rachel stupidly. She's dumbfounded. She has no idea what's going on.
"I agree with her," says another girl who looks like Rachel. This girl is enveloped with a green light, another Rachel. "You should have something to be happy about. Especially after all that shit they pulled."
"What's going on? Who are you?" says the actual Rachel as she tries to see the source of the light.
"I'm you silly," says the pink version of Rachel.
"What she means is that they are a part of you. They are your emotions," says yet another version of Rachel. This one is encased in a yellow light.
Completely confused, the real Rachel looks up to the sky, trying to find the source of the lights. There's no possibly way any of this is happening.
"Thought you were averagely smart," says a red Rachel, "Can't you figure this out?"
"Leave her alone," says the green Rachel, "Let her get used to this. She's never been though this before."
The real Rachel looks around at the different versions of herself. 'How is this possible? There are four other versions of me. No, there are five of them.' A grey Rachel is peaking out from behind the green one.
"I-I really wish you wouldn't yell at her," timidly says the grey one.
"You're all my emotions? What is happening? I shouldn't be talking to you. Did my mind finally snap after everything that's happened to me? It's that or I hit my head and now I'm delusional."
"No, no you're not injured or going crazy," says the yellow-light encased Rachel. "They are your emotions and I'm your intelligence." The red version humphs her annoyance. "The others, with the exception of the green one, you have tried to suppress at one time or another. We are here to help you."
"Uh, thanks for looking out for me but you don't need to. I'm sorry you had to come all the way from I don't know where, but I don't need your help."
"Do we have a denial version?" asks the crimson Rachel. "We don't? Well, we should cuz she'd be very strong. Almost as strong as me and Weepy over there." The grey Rachel whimpers louder at this comment.
The green entity steps between the red and grey varieties of Rachel. "Back off, Rage. I know that you're angry and upset. We all are but don't take things out on Rachel or Timidity. We all have a reason to here, especially after the year Rachel's had."
The red Rachel glares at the others. "Fine. I'll keep my mouth shut like a good little girl. For now."
The genuine Rachel watches all of this in silence. It's so strange watching different forms of herself quarrelling. "So, um, how are you ...um, how am I supposed to help me." Rachel shakes her head. None of this makes sense.
"Either way would be correct," says the yellow Rachel. Rage, the red-encased version mocks her yellow "sister". The pink one giggles but the yellow Rachel ignores them. "We are here to help you help yourself. We want to help you so you are not so afraid."
"Afraid? I'm not afraid."
"Seriously, there should be a denial version. She'd pop up now. What color is denial, anyway?"
"Shut up, Rage."
"Back at ya, Bold and not so Beautiful."
"Enough you two. Now is not the time for such immaturity. We are here to help Rachel."
Rachel looks at all the versions of herself. "Wait, what did the red one mean when she said that the grey one was stronger? Are some of them stronger than some of the others?"
"Rachel," says the yellow Rachel, "you have a tendency to hide your emotions. By doing that, over a long period of time, some of those hidden emotions can get weaker." The pink one gives a sad smile. "That leaves an option for another emotion to get stronger."
"And sometimes we get stronger even if it's just out of spite. I won't let anyone make me a weakling." Rachel takes a slight step back. 'Were the red one's eyes just red for a second?'
"Rage, just stop. We do not have time for that." Rage, the red Rachel stands off to the side, fuming. "As I was saying, Rachel, you tend to shut down and hide your emotions when you are upset. I can understand why you would do that but sometimes it caused problems. When your father hurt your feelings, then did worse, you started shutting down. In turn, your happy side became," the Rachel encased in the yellow light takes a moment to find the best way to describe things. "She became malnourished, for lack of a better discription."
Again the pink-lighted Rachel wiggles her fingers in a sheepish wave. She seems embarrassed. "I really liked it when we got friends. It'd been a long time since we'd had a best friend. I'm sorry Jenni's not around anymore but Kori's great. And now we have Lottie. I'm overjoyed, I can hardly stand it. The guys are wonderful also. Especially Gar. I'm ecstatic about Gar. Jason was good for us but I think Gar'll be even better."
The actual Rachel takes another step back. 'Whoa, it's as if I have Kori inside my head.'
"I know," says the pink version, "That's why I like her so much. We're like two peas in a pod."
"You're pea brained alright."
"Rage ..."
"S-orr-ry. I'll let Miss Knows-it-all have the stage."
The yellow version of Rachel rolls her eyes, much as the original one would. "As I was saying, you are afraid but not with the same type of fear you have felt before. Right now you are afraid getting hurt."
"How is that different from the times before? I've been hurt in several different ways for years. Last year was the worst."
"True, but ..."
"I'm sorry," interrupts the grey Rachel as she wipes away tears, "I didn't mean to take over things. But everybody else kind of dissappeared and that made me more scared. I might be scared of a lot of things but I still want others around."
"Yeah, you're scared of your own shadow." Timidity, the grey Rachel whimpers loudly as she curls up in a ball.
It doesn't take long for all the versions of Rachel to begin bickering. They're all talking at the same time or crying. With hurt feelings, the pink version begins to join Timidity in shedding tears. To be heard, each one yells louder. Before long, no one can be heard. The real Rachel can't take much more of this. It's making her head hurt.
"Enough!" yells the actual Rachel. The other versions stop and stare at her. "That's not helping. How am I supposed to get passed my fears?"
"Simple. Just know that we are here for you," says the yellow Rachel as she turns to a glowing orb. The others do the same. The orbs circle Rachel.
"What? That's it? I thought you were going to give me answers."
The orbs increase their pace until they are going dizzyingly fast. They are now a white light that races around Rachel. They suddenly stop. Instead of separating, they remain as a single white sphere. The glowing globe races straight towards Rachel.
"Remember," says a mixture of their voices, "you are never alone. We are always with you."
Rachel shields herself from the impact.
Gasping, Rachel sits up on the sofa. She's surprised to see that she's in the Madsen's living room.
"Rachel?" Chelsea calls out from the kitchen, "are you all right?"
"Yeah, I, um ..." the dark-haired teen tries to recover as fast as she can.
Chelsea comes into the room and sits next to her niece. "You fell asleep and had a dream?" she guesses. Rachel nods sheepishly. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"No, it's okay."
"You can talk to me or Marc about anything, anytime. You know that, right?"
"I know that, thanks. It wasn't that kind of dream. It wasn't about what's happened, well, not directly. I'm just trying to figure something out. Don't worry, the nightmares don't happen like they used to. I'm okay."
"Okay, if you're sure you don't want to talk about it?"
"I'm sure," Rachel pauses as she thinks about her dream. "I'm okay. Thanks for worring about me but you don't have to, I'm fine. I should probably go work on my paper."
As Rachel goes up the stairs, Chelsea watches her. She knows that her niece said that she's all right but she's still worried. Last year was a lot for one person to handle, especially all alone.
Vic picks Rachel up at the Madsen's; they're on their way to the movies. They're meeting their friends there. Driving along, they chat. After a while, Vic notices that he's the only one who's talking. He looks over to his friend. She looks distracted.
"Hey, Rae, everything okay?"
Rachel blinks a few times. She shakes her head slightly. "Sorry, what?"
"I was just wondering if you're okay. You got kinda quiet there. Anything wrong?"
"No, not really. I'm just thinking about a dream I had."
"Was it about Gar?"
"Sort of," Rachel says reluctantly. She's worried that she'll be teased about it.
She's right. "Oooh, you had a dream about Gar," Vic says in a sing-song-y voice. Rachel rolls her eyes. His smile disapears when he realizes what he just said. "Ew! You had a dream about Gar."
Rachel rolls her eyes again. "It wasn't that kind of dream. He wasn't even in it."
Gradually recovering from his freakout, Vic looks confused. "What do you mean? How could you have a dream about Gar but he's not in it?"
"Well, I guess I was just trying to figure things out."
"You're trying to decide if you should date Gar or not?"
"Forget I said anything."
"Want to know what I think?"
"I said forget about it."
Ignoring her, Vic continues, "I don't think you can go wrong with Gar. He's a good guy. Sometimes he acts stupid but that's just an act, for the most part. He wouldn't do anything to hurt you. He just wants you to be happy."
"I know." There's a long pause before Rachel continues. "That's what makes this so hard. He might be good for me but ..."
"But what? If Gar'd be good for you, then what's wrong?"
"What if I'm not good for him? What if I'm just too messed up?"
"Rae ..."
"Listen, you guys have been great. Everyone has been, but maybe I'm not supposed to be with a 'good' guy," she adds softly. "Maybe I'm just one of those unlucky people who's not supposed to have a happpy ending."
"Rae, that's ridiculous. Of course you deserve to be happy. Maybe Gar's not the one for you but you will have a good guy in your life. I'll make sure any guy's good to you. Stop listening to your father's voice in your head. He's the one who's made you doubt yourself."
Rachel sighs. "I know, I'm sorry. I can't help it, sometimes he gets in my head. He was always quick to tell me what was wrong with me but never what's good or right."
"There's plenty of good in you and you deserve a good life."
"I know, I know."
Vic pulls into the lot of the garage he's been working at on the weekends. "I gotta go do something inside. It'll just take me a few minutes, then we'll go."
"Okay, I'll wait here for you."
While Vic is inside the garage, Rachel tries to weigh the pros and cons of dating Gar. After a while, Rachel realizes she's not getting anywhere. She wonders what's taking Vic so long. If they don't leave soon, they'll miss the beginning of the movie. She goes into the garage.
"Hey, Vic, what's taking so long?"
"What?" He sounds as if he's buried deep within a car.
"What are you doing?" Rachel goes over to the car Vic is working on. His hands are covered with grease and oil. "Thought you were only going to a few minutes."
"Sorry," Vic says as he wipes off his hands. "Got a little distracted." He's surprised to see her here. He quickly looks from Rachel to car then back to Rachel again. "Rae," he laughs nervously, "what are you doing here?"
"I came to get you, we're going to be late." Rachel slowly walks around the car, studying it. "Who's this car for?"
"What do ya mean, it's just a car."
"To you, a car isn't just a car. I'm pretty sure you've named yours. You said something about how you get to work on your own things on your own time. This car you're working on, it can't be for you."
"Why not? Maybe I need a new one."
Rachel eyes her friend curiously. He seems a little nervous. "For one thing, you said that your car is perfect. And another thing, this car looks like it'd be for a girl."
"What do you mean this car looks like it'd be for a girl? What does a girl's car look like?"
"I don't know, but it just seems like you're working on this car for a girl."
"So, I like working on cars. It might be for someone like Kori."
"Kori? l don't think so. She loves her car almost as much as you do. And don't say it's for your grandmother. This doesn't seem like her kind of car." As Rachel walks around the car again, she says, "It kind of looks like something I might like."
At that comment, the wrench that Vic holds clatters noisily on the cement floor of the garage. "Oops, sorry, didn't mean to do that." As he retrieves the rebellious tool, Rachel's eyes narrow as she watches her friend. Vic seems uncomfortable. Fumbling to put his tools away, Vic's face starts getting red. 'He looks nervous. Why is he so nervous all of a sudden?' She doesn't know why but thinks for a moment. She remembers commenting to her cousins about liking a car similar to this one. "You aren't ...?"
Vic hastily shoves the rest of his tools into their case. "C'mon, let's go. You don't want to be late to the movie, do ya?"
"But ..."
"C'mon." Vic hooks his hand around Rachel's elbow. He gently pulls her towards the door. Curious, Rachel takes another glance at the car being restored. Vic pulls on Rachel's arm a little harder. "Come on. The others are waiting for us."
After the movie, the five friends walk through the neighborhood. Four of them discuss the movie while the fifth one is lost in her own thoughts. Rachel can't stop thinking about Vic's strange reaction to her seeing the car. Could Vic really be working on a car for her? If he is, is it her aunt's and uncle's idea? Is the car for Christmas? Rachel doesn't know, she doesn't have her license yet.
Rachel welcomes the distraction. She's not getting any answers when it comes to Gar. Every time she thinks she's close to getting answers, more questions surface. This is not what it was like when she was deciding to date Jason. That simply happened. It might have been slow but it wasn't as difficult as this. This time things are just too complicated, too many possibilities for things to go wrong.
As Rachel's mind races with questions, she hopes some day she can leave her past in the past. She doesn't know how she'll do that but focusing on the present can't hurt.
"Ooh!" says Kori, "is that not simply adorable? Those tiny little costumes are just scrumptious."
"The little dinosaur one is super cute," admits Gar.
Confused, Rachel looks at what her friends are excited about. They are all standing outside a small shop. It's a children's clothing shop. The window is full of Halloween costumes and decorations. It's whimsical and cute but to Rachel it's shocking.
Rachel takes a step back. She must have gasped because the others turn to her. Rachel just stands there. She blinks several times but she can't take her eyes off a tiny costume.
Kori follows her gaze. Putting it together, she covers her mouth. "Oh, Rachel I am so sorry. It was not our intention to upset you."
The guys look back and forth between the two girls. What's wrong?
Rachel shakes her head. "No, I know you didn't. I didn't know it myself."
Gar looks around at all his friends. "What are you talking about? We were just goofing around and now things are serious. What happened?"
"Gar ..." starts Kori but Rachel stops her.
"It's me. I'm ..." Rachel looks away from the store window. "If things hadn't gone terribly wrong a few months ago, I would've given birth around this time."
"But I thought you were getting better," says Gar.
"I am getting better but that doesn't mean I can't be hurt by the loss of my baby."
"Were you, um, were you going to keep the small one?" asks Kori apprehensively. She seems to sense that things are taking a bad turn.
"I still don't know but that shouldn't matter. I still miss him."
Kori puts her arm around Rachel's shoulders. "Of course you do. Do let us not do the squabbling. I want us all to be friendly. Maybe we are hungry. Let us go get some nourishment."
Gar doesn't seem to want to let things drop. "How were we supposed to know you're still upset by that? I mean, you don't talk about it, so I thought you were over it."
"Over it?!" Rachel sees people near by looking at the group of teens. Rachel doesn't care but she lowers her voice some. "I'm supposed to be 'over it'?
Gar sighs, "Like I said, you don't talk about it."
"I can't believe it. I don't talk about things and I'm supposed to be 'over it'? Back when we all became friends, I didn't talk about what Trigon put me through. I was far from okay and I definitely wasn't 'over it.'"
"Rae ..." starts Vic. He wants to stop their fight.
"Rachel." She corrects him. She's in no mood to be calmed down.
"Sorry. Rachel," continues Vic, "I don't think he meant to upset you."
"Vic's right; I'm sorry. I should've known not to say something like that to you. I didn't know it would set you off so much."
"Gar, I don't think ..." Richard starts to warn his friend.
Rachel's eyes flicker with anger. Is that what Gar and the others thought? Just because she doesn't talk about what happened to her, means she's okay with everything? "You know, I don't talk about all the shit they put me through because I want to get over it. I never wanted any of it to happen but it did. I am dealing with it. I'm not hurting myself like I used to. I talk to my therapist."
"Great, good, I'm glad you're getting help," says Gar. He's almost as upset as Rachel is. "I just don't get why you can't let us know how you're doing. Even now, after all this time, you won't let us in. Why are you always hiding?"
"Hiding?"
"That's right, even now you're hiding. You're hiding behind the things that happened to you."
"Whatever."
"Rachel, please do not be angry with our dear friend. I started this and I am very sorry. As I said, it was not my intention to upset you."
"Fine, I'm not upset."
"Rachel ..." begins Richard.
"What? You guys don't want me to be upset, so I'm not."
"That's not what Kori meant," says Richard, "She was just trying to ..."
"What? You all made it clear you don't want me to be upset. I must not be because I haven't talked about everything. I didn't talk about the loss of my baby with you guys so I must 'over it'."
"That's not fair. We never said that."
"Gar did. I thought we already went through all of this. I'm a very private person. I don't like talking about personal things with just anybody."
"But Rachel, we are not just anybody, we are your friends. I am pleased you are speaking with your therapist but we would gladly help you if you wanted to talk with us."
Rachel rolls her eyes. "Which is it? Do you want me to talk and get upset or be quite and be just fine? It can't be both ways."
Richard shakes his head. "Listen, no one meant anything by what they said. Maybe we should do what Kori suggested, let's get something to eat."
"So that's just it? Gar gets bent out of shape because I'm not telling you all everything about my recovery. It feels like it's my fault. I didn't know I'd react like that when I saw the baby clothes. But it doesn't matter. If I just go along like nothing happened then it's all okay, right?"
"That's not what I said," says Richard. He's frustrated with his friends. He doesn't know why they started this fight. "I never said anything was your fault. I'm sure no one meant for you to feel that way."
Rachel runs her hands through her hair. She glares at her friends. She can't believe she's hearing this. She knows she's doing better but the baby clothes surprised her. She's been trying not to think about the baby.
"I can't win," Rachel sounds dejected, "I keep messing things up. No matter what I do, I'm wrong."
"You are not wrong."
"I'm told that I shouldn't keep things locked away inside. I'm told that's dangerous for me, that it won't let me heal. The anger is like poison in me." Rachel frowns, "It's not easy but I try. I try to share what I'm thinking and feeling. When I do, I'm told I'm feeling the wrong things. What are the right things to feel after what I've been through? What am I supposed to do? I'm not supposed to lock it all in but I'm not supposed to have negative emotions? Am I just supposed to pretend that all the things they did to me didn't hurt me, didn't effect me, didn't change me?"
"Rachel ..."
"Never mind. Guess I'm just tired. You guys do whatever you want, I'm going home." With that, Rachel turns around she leaves her friends standing there, staring at her.
"Rachel, please come back."
Rachel keeps walking but she shakes her head, indicating that she hears them. She knows she needs some time alone. She's afraid she'll say something she'll regret. She already regrets the fight they just had.
Vic cautiously jogs up to Rachel. He doesn't want to startle her. "Um, Rachel, come on, let me give you a ride home." Rachel keeps walking as she crosses her arms. Vic looks down at his friend. He thinks she looks either angry or like she might cry. Maybe it's both.
Vic knows he could easily pick Rachel up and take her to his car. He also knows that would make things so much worse. If he has to, he'll walk with her to her house. He's hopeful when Rachel crosses the street, going towards his car.
"Fine," Rachel says, "take me home."
Once they get in the car, Vic says, "Rachel, I ..."
"You can call me Rae but please don't talk. I'm not in the mood. I do not want to talk about it. And no, I'm not alright."
"Oh-kay," is all Vic says as he starts the car. They ride the whole way in silence.
Getting out of the car, Rachel slams the door shut. She's still hurt and angry. She thought her friends understood her. She also slams shut the door to the house.
"Rachel? Is that you?" calls out Marc from upstairs.
Rachel sighs, "Yeah, it's me."
"You're home early," says Marc as he comes down the stairs. Seeing his niece upset he asks, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. My friends and I just ...had a disagreement."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
'What is with everyone and talking?' "No, I'm just going to go to bed."
"Okay, you know ..."
"Yeah, I know. I can always talk to you or Chelsea. 'Night."
"Good night."
In her room, Rachel feels terrible. She hates fighting with her friends. It doesn't matter what Richard says, she feels as though this is all her fault. They were concerned for her and she snapped at them. 'Some friend I am. Why would they want ...' Rachel's phone rings interrupting her thoughts.
Checking the number she sees it's Gar. Rachel's almost afraid to answer it. What if he's still mad at her? What if they're all made at her? Finally deciding to answer it, the phone stops ringing. 'Great. I really messed up.'
The phone rings again. It's Gar. This time, Rachel answers it. "Hello," She says almost shyly.
"Rachel?" Rachel thinks Gar sounds a little uncertain.
"Yes."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."
"I know. I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have snapped at you guys. Are the others still mad at me?"
"No, no one's mad at you. We're all worried about you. I was afraid you'd be mad at me."
"No, I'm just mad at myself."
"Don't be. You were surprised by the baby things. I should've known not to push you. I don't know why I did. I'm sorry." There's a long pause before Gar continues, "Well, guess I should let you go. Good night."
"Thanks Gar. Good night." Rachel hangs up the phone feeling better. Things seem to be better. However, before falling asleep, Rachel makes a promise to herself that she'll do a better job of keeping her emotions in line.
...
One Saturday afternoon, early in December, Rachel walks into the family room and stops. There's a large, white, artificial pine tree in the room and several boxes surrounding the tree. Rachel's sure that the boxes are full of ornaments and decorations. She doesn't know why she didn't hear them bring these things in. Maybe it's because she's trying to ignore the wintery holiday. Rachel's always enjoyed Christmas but last year ...well, things changed for her.
Rachel stands in the doorway, staring at the scene before her. She gasps and jumps when Cody and Lottie come running into the room. "Hey, Rachel," says Lottie, "wanna help us decorate the tree?"
"Um, no, no, th-that's okay." Rachel slightly shakes her head, trying to get rid of the bad memories. "This, it's a family thing. I don't want to impose. I just came down to get a book that I forgot."
"You wouldn't be imposing," says Chelsea as she comes into the room. "You're family, remember." Marc follows his wife; he has more boxes.
As Rachel looks at her aunt, uncle and cousin, she wonders where her other cousin is. If Eli was here then they'd have the perfect family decorating the house. Rachel remembers that Eli is at his job but that doesn't mean they need her to help. She figures that she'd mess things up even if she wanted to.
The dark haired teen shakes her head. "Yeah, I know, but I have school work," Rachel grabs her missing book and hurries out of the room.
The three remaining in the room look at each other, then at the doorway Rachel went out.
"Did I say something wrong?" asks Lottie. "I thought she might like to help."
"You didn't say anything wrong," says Lottie's mom. "We just have to remember that this time of year is a hard time for Rachel. Why don't you and Dad get started. We forgot a box; I'll get it."
Rachel sits on her bed, staring at the closed door. 'Of course they're going to decorate for Christmas. Why wouldn't they? It's completely normal. It's what they've done for years. They shouldn't stop celebrating and decorating just because of me, just because I went through hell this time last year.' She wipes away a single tear as others threaten to fall. ' I don't want to get upset over this. I don't want to make them feel bad. They didn't do anything wrong. It's not their fault I'm so messed up.'
Rachel takes several deep breaths, letting each one out slowly. 'I found out I have a family and Mom's getting better. That's the good part of all of this. It just would've been nice to have those things happen without me suffering.'
Rachel stiffens when someone knocks on her door. She's halfway expecting it. "Rachel?" It's Chelsea. "I just wanted to make sure you are okay. Could I come in?"
Rachel quickly checks to make sure her eyes aren't too red. She doesn't want it to look like she's been crying, it doesn't. She grabs the book she retrieved from the living room. She opens it just before Chelsea opens the door. "Sure, come in."
Chelsea enters the room. She has a clear plastic shoe box. It's full of ornaments - icicles. Rachel quickly looks away from the box. Icicles are - were her favorite ornament.
"I just wanted to make sure you're alright."
"Yeah, I just have a lot of homework to do, that's all."
"I know you do, but you're okay, right? Lottie didn't mean to upset you."
"She didn't," Rachel chides herself for upsetting her younger cousin, "so tell her not to worry."
"Rachel, are you sure you're alright? When you saw the tree, for a moment, you looked terrified."
Rachel has a quick flashback of tearing down her own tree almost a year ago. She shakes her head. "No, no, I-I was just surprised. I didn't expect a tree so soon. If we ever did decorate, it was usually the week of Christmas. So don't worry about it." She gives her aunt a smile. "Really. It's okay."
"Sorry, we didn't mean to surprise you with the decorations. I thought you knew."
"That's okay."
"Did you want to help us? If there was there a certain thing you wanted to do, we could save that for you. You could do that when you have time."
Rachel has another quick flashback of smashing ornaments. "No, that's okay. There wasn't anything special. In fact some years, we didn't do anything. Sometimes, we never didn't put up a tree. So it's okay. Do whatever you want; don't worry about me." She holds up her book. "I really need to get back to this, so if you don't mind?"
"Sure, I'll let you get back to your work. Remember, you can come to me or your uncle any time you need to."
"I know, thanks." Rachel pretends to read as Chelsea leaves.
Leaning against the wall next to Rachel's room, Chelsea sighs. 'I do worry about you; we all do.' She gets an idea. She'll have to talk it over with her husband.
When Rachel goes down for supper, the tree is completely decorated. The white tree has white lights and a variety of different colored ornaments. That's the only sign of Christmas in the house. There's still one box of ornaments, the icicles.
Rolling her eyes, she doesn't know who will put them on but she knows it won't be here who puts them on the tree. She reminds herself that icicles are no longer her favorite ornament. She's decided she doesn't care about Christmas anymore.
Seeing there are boxes with decorations still packed away, Rachel sighs as she rolls her eyes. 'They're not going to do anymore decorating because of me. Great. Leave it to me to screw up a whole holiday.'
After a long day searching the mall for Christmas gifts, Rachel returns home exhausted. There's so many people and stores and so much noise. She doesn't know why they have to play so many different versions of the same Christmas songs. She's annoyed by that. How many versions of "White Christmas" and "Jingle Bells" are there?
Rachel eyes the unlit tree. She doesn't care if it's dark out, she's not lighting it. She wants nothing to do with that tree or any other. The truth is, she wants nothing to do with the holiday season at all. She's only buying Christmas presents because she thinks that she's expected to do that. If things were up to her, she'd sleep until the middle of January.
The dark haired teen is glad to have the house to herself tonight. Eli is at his job but the others are at a Christmas party. Rachel's grateful that they didn't ask her to go with them. Not that she expected them to, not after last weeks party.
Putting leftovers in the microwave; she sighs as she thinks about that night. 'I didn't mean to react like that. I didn't expect to be hit on at a Christmas party for Lottie's play. I know I shouldn't have poured my glass of punch over his head but he wouldn't leave me alone.'
The microwave dings, taking Rachel away from her thoughts. While she eats her thoughts go back to that night. 'I know I created a scene. If he'd just left me alone, I wouldn't have felt trapped. If he would've backed off, I wouldn't have done that. I know Marc and Chelsea were angry and embarrassed. They must be disappointed. I know I am.
'I hate that we fought when we got home. It was our first real fight. Maybe that means we're comfortable enough with each other. I like the idea of us being comfortable but I hate fighting. What's wrong with me? First I fought with my friends and now with the Madsens. I'm trying to keep it together. I need to do better. I don't want then changing their mind about me.'
Glaring at the unlit tree in the other room, Rachel carefully fingers her newest injury. She remembers quickly using her house key on her arm that night. It's healing but still tender. The skin puckers around the scabs. Her arm resembles seersucker fabric. She has to resist the urge to pick at the scabs. She doesn't want it to scar too much. 'I can't believe I did that. It's been months since I've done anything like this to myself. Why did I do it? I'm with a good family and I'm happy. I shouldn't have such dark thoughts and feelings. What's wrong with me? '
Rachel sighs again. Even though the tree is unlit, the kitchen lights reflect off the ornaments. The tree looks sad. Going to the living room, Rachel decides the least she can do is light the tree. While plugging it in, she notices the box of icicles is still there. No one has put them up.
Putting her hand over her injury, Rachel has an idea. It might show the Madsens that she's trying. It also might be a step towards her own healing.
When Marc, Chelsea and Lottie come home Rachel's in her room. They're pleased to see the tree lit. After Lottie goes to bed, Marc and Chelsea notice the icicles are on the tree. They smile knowing Rachel must have done that. They're happy she feels well enough to have some involvement with Christmas. They understand how hard this time year is for the teen. They hope they can give Rachel good memories to replace the bad ones.
Slowly, Rachel begins to wake up. Realizing what day it is, she sighs. She wishes she could sleep through Christmas day at least. She could sleep through the day and the Madsens would have their festive day. They didn't need her to have a good Christmas.
Rachel buries herself under her blanket. Blocking out the day light, she hopes she can get back to sleep. She squeezes her eyes shut and buries her head further under her covers when she hears a knock on her door.
"Rachel? Rachel? Are you awake?" It's Lottie. Rachel hopes if she pretends to be asleep then her cousin will go away. Lottie knocks again. "Rachel? Are you awake?"
Rachel hears someone else come to her door. "Let's give Rachel a little time."
"But Mom," growns Lottie, "it's Christmas morning. We always open presents the first thing Christmas morning."
"I know, but this year we'll do things a little different. Why don't you come help me make breakfast, okay?"
Rachel's relieved when she hears them go down the stairs. She rolls over onto her back and stares at the ceiling. She knows she shouldn't, but she's been dreading this day. Everyone's going to be so jovial. Nothing horrible happened last Christmas day, except her father lied to her. The truly horrible thing happened a few days later, at the end of the year.
Rachel gradually wakes up. She didn't realize she'd fallen asleep again. Something smells good. It smells like blueberry muffins. She stretches and wonders how long she's been asleep. Checķng the clock on her nightstand, Rachel sees that it's only been about an hour. She wants to stay in bed but her stomach is growling.
Growning, Rachel throws back here covers and grabs her robe. Before opening her door she takes a deep breath. She really doesn't want to go down there. When she opens her door she hears the laughter bubbling up the stairway.
Rachel takes a deep breath before going down the stairs. She's not looking forward to this day. She sighs, 'They're so happy and I'm not. I'm going to ruin things for them.'
Upon hearing Rachel's foot steps on the stairs, Lottie says, "She's coming. Rachel's coming." Rachel takes another deep breath before she continues. Everyone anxiously looks up at her when she enters the family room.
All the Christmas lights and candles are lit. Everything sparkles, shimmers and glows. Christmas carols play softly in the background. Everything is so perfect.
Excited, Cody runs circles around Rachel. "Merry Christmas!" say the Madsens in unison
Taking in everything, tears sting Rachel's eyes. Chelsea's over with Rachel in an instant. As Chelsea guides Rachel to the table, Rachel notices her cousins exchanging a confussed expression. Marc shushes them before they can say anything. Even Cody senses the change in mood. He sits down infront of Rachel.
"I'm sorry," says Rachel as she wipes away her tears. "I didn't mean to react like that. Guess I'm just overwhelmed by all of this." She's embarrassed but she continues. "I'd always wanted a Christmas like this. I vaguely remember Mom doing something like this when I was very little. But Dad," Rachel closes her eyes for a moment, "he never really liked it. After Mom was gone, we didn't do much, except last year. That's when ...everything fell apart. I-I'm sorry."
"Shhh, you have nothing to be sorry about," says Chelsea as she hugs the teen. "I can't imagine what you went through. I know it's must have been very hard so don't apologize. Come on, why don't we eat first."
Having breakfast helps some. In the living room, the gifts are handed out. Cody barks when the doorbell rings. Eli's the closest so he answers the door. "Rachel, your friends are here to see you."
Seeing that they're about to open gifts, Richard says, "Sorry to interrupt you. We thought you'd be done by now. We can come back later."
"No, it's okay." says Chelsea, "Please stay."
Everyone looks at Gar who is holding a large gift bag. They all wonder what it could be and where did they find a gift bag so big. Gar goes over to Rachel. He hands her the bag. " This is from all of us. Merry Christmas!''
Rachel's surprised. By the weight of the present, she has an idea of what it is. If she's right, then she's afraid that her gifts are inadequate.
"I, um, I got you guys something too. They're in the gift bags off to the side by the tree."
Lottie jumps up. "I'll get them."
After the four teens have their gifts, Marc says, "Rachel, why don't you go first. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's curious to see what you got."
Digging through tons of tissue paper, Rachel's suspicions are confirmed. Completely shocked by her gift, Rachel pulls out a guitar.
"This is too much."
"Do you like it?" asks Kori.
"Yes, but it's too much."
Kori wildly claps, not hearing her friend's protest. "Is it not wonderful? It was Gar's idea."
Rachel looks at Gar; she's amazed. It looks like his guitar. "Gar, you shouldn't have."
"It's nothing, really. I remembered how much you liked playing my guitar. We found a nice one at a good price online. We all chipped in, so ..."
"Thank you." Rachel strums the strings. It sounds good.
"It was a used guitar so I put new strings on it and tuned it for you. It should be a while before it needs anymore done to it."
Kori's the first one to open her gift. "A personalized mug. Thank you, dear friend. It is extraordinary. I love it" The guys get also get mugs with their own initials on it. Each mug has a reverse silhouette of their first initial. The initial is outlined and surrounded by different shapes and doodles. Upon a closer look, Some of those doodles are that Ietter in different scripts.
"I know it's not much but ..."
"No, it's cool," says Vic as he studies his mug. "Where'd you get it? I think my Grandmawould like one."
"I, uh, I made them."
"What? You made these?"
"I didn't make make them. I bought plan mugs and I painted them with special paint pens. After they dried, I baked them for awhile. That makes the paint part of the mug so it won't flake off."
"Cool! I always knew you were so creative," says Gar holding his light green mug with Gs on it. "Years from now, when you're giving your acceptance speach when you get your Grammy; will you give me credit for starting your musical career?"
"I can only give you credit for being weird."
Vic nudges his friend's side. "She's right about that."
"We should probably go and let you get back to your Christmas morning," says Richard.
"If you'd like, you can stay," says Chelsea. "We're pretty relaxed around here. Have some hot chocolate. There's still some baked blueberry French toast in the kitchen. It's probably still warm so help yourself."
Rachel's friends go into the kitchen. They stay in there while the Madsens and Rachel open their gifts. There's an assortment of the usual types of gifts: clothes, books, games, movies, tools and jewelry. Lottie gets a new comforter. Rachel makes each one a mug much like the ones she made for her friends. The Madsen's are each white where as Kori has light purple, Vic has a blueish grey one, Richard's is red and Gar has a lime green mug.
There's one more gift; it's for Rachel. Marc goes to get it and to bring her friends back with him. From the kitchen, Marc calls out, "Rachel, close your eyes." Rachel looks curiously at her aunt but does what he asked her to do.
"Are they shut?"
Lottie waves her hands in front of Rachel's face. The older teen doesn't react. She can't see them. "Yeah, they're closed. You can come back," she calls out to her dad.
"Keep them closed until I tell you to open them."
"Okay." Rachel wonders why they're being so mysterious. To her it seems like a long time, hours. In reality, it's only been a couple of minutes. She can sense someone standing in front of her. She can feel her face getting red. She's self-conscious of being the center of attention.
"Okay. Open your eyes."
Opening her eyes, it takes Rachel a second to focus on what's in front of her. Taking in what she sees, tears form. 'Can this be real?'
Thank again for being so patient.