A/N: Just wanted to give you guys a heads up. Going on a little vacation. Gonna be hanging with some of my dear Bones friends and hopefully my son as well! I wanted to get the next chapter done before I left, but I don't want to rush it. This story is my baby and I don't want to short change it. So, it may be a couple of weeks before 38 gets posted. Thank you for sticking with me all this time! You've no idea how special that is!
Sophia...You know how much I appreciate you, but I'm saying it anyway! Thank you!
Lights Will Guide You Home
Brennan eagerly slid her security card through the reader, allowing her access to the lab. She'd felt its pull and hadn't been able to resist visiting before she went back to Texas. The sliding doors automatically whooshed open as she neared them. She slowly stepped into the wide open area. As she looked around, an overwhelming sense of comfort infused its way through her. Her eyes immediately traveled to the heart of the room, to the platform where she worked to solve murders with people who had become so important to her. She'd expected it to be somewhat quiet since it was Saturday morning, but it was deserted.
Her lips lifted at the corners in a smile as her gaze wandered across the smooth metal surfaces and instruments. She took in a deep breath and closed her eyes. The peaceful feeling started in her chest but slowly stole throughout the rest of her body. She knew. She was home.
When she opened her eyes, she was grinning. Her gaze traveled up toward the skylight. Across the framework of the building. The catwalk that overlooked the floor below. There were so many memories associated with this building. So many important events had taken place here. She knew it was merely a construction of various materials, but...it felt like more than that. She had the same feeling walking in here as she'd often had walking into her parents house as a young child. It was a place she belonged. A place that gave her life meaning. The coolness at the corner of her eye surprised her. She reached up to wipe the tear away, not realizing until that moment just how overwhelmed with happiness she was.
She turned toward her office, feeling much like she did when opening presents on her birthday. She looked around to make sure she was alone and then gave in to her excitement. She took two quick steps before breaking into a run. She was laughing by the time she made it to her door and pushed it open. She ran again, skidding to a stop in the middle of her office, holding her arms wide and turning in a circle. Slightly embarrassed at letting go of her emotions, she dropped her arms and walked over to turn her lamp on. The soft light filled the room allowing her to clearly see her true destination.
She looked at the shelves behind her desk. At the artifacts she'd collected over the years. She turned in a much slower circle, looking at her artwork, her chairs, her bookshelf. Her eyes came to rest on the couch. Their couch. When had she come to think of it that way? Her gaze traveled the length of its surface as memory after memory flashed in her mind. How many times had they sat in that very spot? It felt odd knowing it would be quite some time before they'd return to eat take out and talk about a case. Or talk about...all the other things they discussed. She was sure they'd have those moments once again...eventually. Booth had made so many strides toward regaining his health. She knew he'd make it back no matter how long it took.
Her eyes skimmed around the items she'd decorated her office with. So often she had wistfully looked at them, wishing she could be on a dig in some remote location of the world. Now they reminded her of home and how much she truly loved being here. She smiled at the irony as she walked over to turn the lamp off. She quietly left her office and let the door close behind her. She headed around the platform, reluctant to leave, but knowing she had just enough time to get things done. A movement caught her eye, causing her to a stop in surprise.
Dr. Hodgins stood in the open area in front of the platform looking up toward the skylight just like she had. He had that same smile she'd worn earlier. She knew exactly how he felt. She stood there debating on what she should do and decided to let him have his moment. She turned to walk out another way.
"Dr. B?"
Brennan turned back around and smiled. "Hello, Dr. Hodgins."
He grinned, walking toward her. "Hey! Welcome back!"
She continued around toward him, returning his hug when he reached out for her. "I could same the same to you." She pulled back. "Angela told me the two of you were planning on staying."
"Yeah," he said, glancing around. "It'll be good to be home. Don't get me wrong. I loved Paris. Especially with Angie. But...this is where we're meant to be."
Brennan nodded. "I believe I understand what you mean."
"So? Ange says you're going back to Texas tomorrow? And that Booth is a lot better. Is he? Really?"
Her lips pursed in a flat smile. "He is. Of course, he's not back to...100%." Her eyes darted to the side for a second as she remembered another time Booth had worked to return to their partnership. "But he's made significant progress."
"Good. I kinda miss the guy. I've missed all of you. We both have." His eyes twinkled as his grin widened. "It's really good to see you."
"Thank you. I have to go actually. I have to check on my father and get some things done before Angela comes over tonight."
Hodgins slowly nodded his head. "Right," he said, "I gotta get back to Ange too. She wants to go baby shopping today."
"Yes! Congratulations. I'm sure you and Angela will be excellent parents."
He laughed. "It's going to be fun. I can't imagine being a dad with anyone else."
She smiled, unsure of the appropriate response. "Yes, well, I have to go. I look forward to the day we're working together again." She hesitated for a second, "Bye, Hodgins."
"Me too. See ya, Dr. B." She wasn't sure what his chuckle meant.
Booth found himself in the same situation he'd been in so many times since Bones had left. He looked down at the letter in his hand. The last of the ones Bones had given him. He'd lost count of how often he'd read it and didn't even care that he felt just a little like a sap. He'd missed her even more than he thought he would. He couldn't wait to see her and when he read her letters he felt like she was there with him. He rolled his eyes once at his sentimentality, then, unable to stop himself, started reading.
Dear Booth,
It's been a little over two weeks since we discovered the hominid bones and we have yet to locate any more. I had forgotten about the slow nature of these projects. Not for the first time since my arrival, I wish I were home. Our lives there have a much faster pace that, until now, I had not realized I enjoyed. We are constantly working to solve our cases, so much so that I have trouble finding time to devote to the remains in Bone Storage. If we aren't questioning suspects, we are tracking down leads, or I'm studying the bones from the case. We are always progressing toward what we hope is a final resolution. Once we reach that point, we usually have another case soon after.
Because of the sheer number of cases, I began to feel like my involvement there wasn't as valuable as it is here. I now know I was wrong. We put murderers behind bars. We change the world of the living in more profound ways than any discovery of ancient remains does. Will any murders take place this year that wouldn't have had we both been available to solve a case? It is impossible to know the answer to that question, but I feel it may be yes. We make quite a formidable team as our solve rate demonstrates. The potential victims we're not there to save will most likely not care about how humans evolved. At some point in my life, our work together became more important to me than discovering new truths about the nature of human evolution. I didn't realize that until I came here.
As surprising as this may sound, Daisy and I have talked several times regarding things of a personal nature. She told me about the circumstances surrounding her telling Sweets of her own desires to come here. She explained to him this was the opportunity of a lifetime and she is correct in that assessment. However, she told me she left her life and Sweets because she wanted to mimic what she thought my decision would be. She indicated her career meant more to her than anything else and that she chose that focus because of me. I'm not sure I like the thought that people think my career is more important to me than they are. While it is very important, I value my friends and family far more. Do you think they know that? Do you know that? Daisy didn't, which must mean others don't. I never used to worry how people perceived my actions, but I'm stressed in thinking you may not have known that my career isn't as important to me as you are.
Do you realize that despite my anticipation of this project, the decision to come here was difficult? I regret not being the first to inform you of my intentions. I wish Daisy had not discussed it with Sweets. It bothers me that you assumed I had already accepted the position before I talked with you about it. I would never make a decision that would affect our professional lives so dramatically without discussing it with you. I appreciated your telling me I didn't need your permission, and while that's true, I still wanted your input. I rely on you and your opinions more and more as time passes. I truly value your thoughts on a wide range of subjects. Everything really. I find it interesting how much we've changed, how much I have changed, in the time we've known each other. I was never consciously aware of coming to rely on you so heavily. I suppose that's what evolution is though...a slow change.
That night outside the Hoover, after we informed Sweets of the error in his book, I told you I couldn't change. In coming here, I've discovered I was wrong. I have changed. It's not something I actively sought to do. It just happened. Our lives evolve when they become intermingled with the people around us. You weren't asking me to change that night though, were you? You already knew I had because of the time we spend together. As have you for the same reason. I don't have to force an evolution because it is a natural progression as we interact with each other. You already knew that, didn't you?
You took a huge gamble in telling me your feelings. I understand that now. I understand you were willing to risk our partnership for something more. Do you still feel that way? Or have you moved on as you indicated you would? There was a part of me that wanted to give myself over to those feelings that night. To lose myself in them like most people do. But I'm not like everyone else, Booth. I wasn't being a coward when I told you I was trying to protect you from me. I meant it. I don't know if I know how to be like other people. But if you aren't asking me to change, as I now suspect, I don't have to be someone I'm not in order to be with you, do I?
Booth, I know I hurt you that night. I've learned a lot about body language from you, but all of it was unnecessary because I could clearly see your pain. I was so afraid you'd leave me. That you would no longer have any desire to be my partner. Despite how much that would hurt, I still thought my decision was the best one for you. The safest. The time you took to answer me felt much longer than the few seconds it actually was. I was very happy you chose to keep our partnership intact, but I understood your need to find someone else. I really did. I even hoped you would because you deserve to be happy. I find that I no longer have that desire though. It would hurt more than I care to admit to see you with someone else at this point. What does that mean, Booth?
You said when you talk to couples who've been in love for 50 years, it is the guy who says he knew. You used the words 'in love'. Were you in love with me? Are you still? Is that simple ambiguous phrase the definition I've been looking for? Am I in love with you? I told you in my last letter I was reluctant to label my emotions, but I think that is the only label I can use at this point. I can look back on our lives together, from this perspective, and know that I care more deeply for you than I have for anyone else. However, I'm still unable to clearly state, either in this letter or in my own mind, my feelings for you. It's almost as if they are too large for any words that exist.
I suppose I have unconsciously tried to find words to explain how I feel, how I've felt for longer than I realized. It's amazing how the subconscious mind works, although I still conclude that Psychology is a soft science. Do you remember the dream you had during your coma? I wrote that story to pass the time. I knew I wouldn't be able to focus on one of my novels while my thoughts were so preoccupied with your recovery. I had trouble just sitting by your bed and waiting though. I thought writing would be an outlet for stress relief.
We've never really talked about that story or your dream. I know it was as real for you as it was for me. I saw the events so clearly in my mind that I became Bren while I sat next to your bed. It was very difficult to maintain the line between the story and reality when you first woke up and thought we were married. I was happy in my story. Not that I'm not happy with reality, but the story showed me I could live a different life and it wouldn't necessarily be one I didn't desire. It was painful to see your confusion, not knowing if I was Bren or Bones. I wanted to be both for you. I thought that was impossible. It's not though, is it? I could be both of those people...with you. That is, if you still feel the way you did a few months ago.
This time apart is more difficult than I had imagined it would be. I don't like that we are so very far away from each other. I want to be able to talk with you. I want to discuss all of the revelations I seem to be having. I want to ask you my questions and I want the immediate answers I receive when we're together. I've been pouring my metaphorical heart onto these pages and I've not once heard from you. I'm getting more nervous each day that passes. I've received letters from many people, but the one I keep looking for is never there. Where are you? Are you safe? Are you angry with me? Are you angry because I left? I left with the right intentions, Booth, and I was correct. I have found the answers I've been looking for even though I found more questions as well. Please write. Tell me what you're thinking. Even if it's only to tell me it's too late. I will accept your answer no matter what it is.
I am looking forward to going home more each day and have even considered finding a way to make that happen sooner rather than later. I could still consult on the project, but I've concluded that my expertise is needed at home more than it is here. It wouldn't be the same there without you, but as I said earlier in my letter, helping the living has become more important to me than discovering the secrets of the ancient dead. I miss you, Booth. I look forward to the day when we can be together again, regardless of the structure of our relationship.
Until then, please stay safe.
Love,
Bones
Booth folded the letter and placed it back in the envelope, unable to wipe the grin off his face. He still couldn't believe how open and honest she had been with him. It was amazing. He wondered if a day would ever come that he wouldn't be floored each time he read it. He breathed deeply, letting his happiness wind its way through his body.
So many times he had wished he could have read this letter before she'd left. He wished they'd had the chance to talk about it. Two weeks wasn't really that long in the grand scheme, but with this bombshell of hers, it had felt like an eternity.
He was incredibly thankful she'd explained that she had wanted to come home. That she was willing to consult on her project rather than remaining in Maluku. When he'd seen how excited she had been when she'd read her emails, he'd been ashamed that he'd given into his own desires and allowed her to come with him. He had so many things he felt guilty about. Pulling her away was no longer on his list.
She had willingly come back and given him a goal. A target. He'd focused all his energy on his objective...on getting better. He knew it would be a while before he got there, but every day he improved. With her letters, she'd given him yet another sense of purpose. He had to do everything in his power to become a field agent again. She wanted to work. With him. And he wanted to work with her again too. He had to make it happen.
Brennan locked her door behind her, then walked further into her apartment, going straight to the kitchen and placing the bags she carried on the counter. She'd spent more time with her father than she'd intended, but didn't regret it. She valued the time they spent together now. As a consequence of the length of her visit, she was running behind. Angela would be arriving for their girls' night soon. She needed to hurry to get things in place.
She took her jacket off as she walked back to her bedroom and tossed it on her bed. She'd planned to take a shower, but knew she didn't have time now. She walked to her closet and grabbed some comfortable clothes for the evening. Angela had once told her girls' night was all about comfort. She quickly undressed and put on some yoga leggings and an over-sized cotton shirt. She couldn't think of anything more comfortable than that. She looked at her sock selection and decided to wear the striped ones Angela had purchased for her last Christmas. She laughed as she remembered her friend's suggestive statement that she'd get to have Booth with her whenever she wore them. She'd scoffed at the time, but welcomed the idea tonight. Besides, it would please Angela to see her wearing them.
She pulled her hair into a pony tail as she walked back out and hit the play button on her stereo. The strains of the song she'd been listening to before she'd left for Maluku hit her ears. Her chest constricted as she remembered the pain of those days. She'd purchased the Coldplay cd quite some time ago when Jason had invited her to a concert. The song that floated through the air now had struck a chord with her...with the stress she'd had at the time.
She stood there, listening to the first lines.
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
Those very feelings had threatened to consume her before she'd left. She'd been working so hard for something that had seemed infinite. Every day had become more difficult. She'd felt suffocated by what she'd thought was an inability to make a difference in the world. The thoughts about Booth's safety had begun to take over both her waking hours as well as her dreams. Her nightmares had increased to a point where the lack of sleep had been interfering with her life. She hit the repeat button, then turned and walked toward the kitchen as she listened to the next refrain.
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
She had tried to move on from what she now recognized as feelings she'd had for Booth. The way he'd seemed to move on from his feelings for her. She'd felt like she'd lost him even though she'd never had him in the first place. After a while, it had seemed as if that night had never happened. Their mutual abilities to compartmentalize had driven it from existence. She'd known if she didn't do something to make sense of her thoughts, they'd end up right back there again one night, having the same conversation. The last thing she had wanted to do was repeat her mistakes. She'd known that getting away was her only option.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
She began taking the groceries out of the bags and placing them on the counter. She remembered how she'd felt when she'd listened to this song the last time. She had been investigating digs throughout the world when the Maluku discovery and subsequent offer had been presented. She'd been sitting on her couch, listening to this very phrase when the email notice showed up. She didn't believe in signs, but found the coincidence interesting. She'd always thought of her expeditions as her true home and she'd known she was making the right decision in pursuing involvement with the Maluku project.
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
She smiled as she placed items in the refrigerator. She hadn't been able to drive her feelings for Booth away. Now she no longer had a desire to let go of them. Maluku really had been a remarkable opportunity. She'd learned so many things about herself there. She would forever be thankful that the project had asked for her assistance. She listened to the line of the song that was so similar to what her father had said a couple of days ago. She knew she'd go back to Texas. She knew she would talk to Booth. She knew she would never know until she tried. The thought frightened her, but she'd finally reached a point where her eagerness for a different life overrode her fears.
Once again, perspective was all important. This song had been a tuning fork for the confusion and fear she'd felt before she left. Now, having come to understand some of her feelings and having spent so much time with Booth, it felt like a song of hope. Before, she'd cried while listening to the words. Now, they brought a smile to her face. She'd just put the last of the groceries away when she heard Angela knock on her door.
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
She flipped the stereo off as she walked by. The song had become personal. She shared a great number of things with Angela, but this one was special. It was hers.
Brennan padded over to the door and unlocked it. With a ghost of a smile remaining, she pulled the door open. In an instant, she felt as if all the air in the room was sucked into the hallway before her.
"Booth?"