37

In the Arms of the Angel

We were in Idris when he broke up with me. I told you about that fiasco, yes? Right, I thought I had. Well, I was heart broken, to say the least. I'd tried so hard to make him see me, to show him what I could offer and he still…

I thought I had him. To this day I don't know what changed his mind. Maybe he wasn't as secure in his decision as he thought. Maybe he decided giving me a chance wouldn't be so bad. I had no idea. All I know is one minute I'm fighting Iblis demons, and the next he's there. He stopped a demon from tearing up my designer coat, and me, but that's not the point.

"Alec?" I stared at him, wanting to wring his neck from being somewhere so dangerous. Yes, yes, I'm perfectly aware that he is a Shadowhunter and is trained to face danger, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

He had the audacity to ask me why I didn't call him back. Well, let's see, I thought. It might be because you tore out my heart and threw it on the ground, you only call me when you want something from me and I watch you make goo-goo eyes at someone who not only has his eyes on his sister, but will never look at you like I do.

I told him that, too. Yes, I was very proud of myself. I wasn't some pathetic thing that would take whatever he gave me…at this particular moment. Well, I'd just slain over a dozen demons and I was just a little agitated.

"…someone, incidentally, who will never love you back. Not the way I do."

"You love me?"

Apparently I needed a neon sign the size of the Times Square Jumbo-tron to get my point across. I loved him with everything I had. I'd never loved anyone more. Not ever. And I wanted nothing more than to be with him for the rest of my life.

I was so angry with him. It took him this long to figure all of this out what I'd been trying to convey from the very beginning. I hated him for that, I really did. I was absolutely enraged and he was shocked about my age. I know, I know, it's frustrating.

Well, he decided to change the subject by acknowledging the demons slowly surrounding us, furthering my irritation. Oh, they could have waited another minute!

"Tell you what," I glared at him, waiting. "We live through this, and I promise I'll introduce you to my whole family."

And, like the pathetic, desperate little thing I am, I smiled, grinned from ear to fucking ear at the prospects. "It's a deal."

I stopped myself from growling like some protective animal when we met up with Jace, Clary and that Sebastian boy that clearly dyed his hair, wanting to hold Alec to me so Jace couldn't get him.

Then that blessed ginger known as Clarissa Fray gave me that book. Lord, I could have kissed her, I swear I could have. I flipped through it, marveling it. And I- Well, you know what the hell's in it, you wrote it!

My joy was short-lived. I had to work on awaking Jocelyn, and making that antidote was a pain in the ass. Everything had to be administered carefully, measured perfectly, it was a chore, let me tell you, but I stayed in Fell's cottage, once I'd fixed it up a little. I needed to stay close to the city in case the Clave called upon me for help…or…or if Alec needed me.

God, I'm so glad I made that decision.

It was almost dark when I heard a soft knock on the door. I frowned, staring at it, making sure I'd heard a noise. I went for the handle when it happened again.

There he was. My Alec. Dressed in all white, traditional red and gold runes on his clothing; he looked more like an angel than ever. But that meant…that meant someone died.

"Alexander," I smiled. "What a pleasant surprise." I looked at him for a moment, studying him. My heart wilted. "Darling, what's wrong? Who…?"

"It…it's Max," he breathed. "Sebastian, he…he killed him."

He was locking sobs in his chest, tears in his eyes. You know as well as I how these Nephilim work. The woman can bawl and wail all they want but the men have to keep it locked inside to fester and rot like psychological problem waiting to happen.

Max was only eleven when he died, Adriana. The poor thing was just a baby… And Alec was crushed. He'd been out trying to fight everything else, with me, when it happened. I could see that even then as he stood in front of me

He looked so tired, and so hurt; the guilt of an elder brother. I took his hand, leading him to the edge of the bed. I sat beside him.

"I should have been there," he said quietly, voice harsh. "I should have stayed with him and Isabelle, I should have been there when…when he…" His voice started to break. He swallowed, blinking rapidly.

"Darling, if you would have stayed he might have killed you both, Isabelle too," I said, unsure of how much help it would be.

"I know, I know," he breathed. "I wouldn't have saved you either, I just…" He stopped again, locking away tears. "I should have been there, Magnus. I should have stayed with him. It's my fault."

Don't cry. Oh my god, you can't cry! What is he going to think of you if you start crying your eyes out? It's against the Clave as well. I'm not supposed to cry, I'm supposed to be a man about this.

I came to see Magnus because…because I knew he could help me. If anyone could make me feel better it was him. I couldn't stay in that house anymore. I couldn't be around Jace, who refused to really speak without being harsh or that stupid vampire that thought he had all the answers or…or Izzy. I couldn't look at her, I couldn't talk to her. Not when I knew I caused her pain. I should have been there for her, I should have been there for Max, I should have killed Sebastian the second I felt something off about him.

I felt him looking at me, and I looked back. His eyes were pained and tender. He gently reached up and touched my cheek, resting his forehead against mine. "Alexander," he whispered. "I'm not your father. I'm not your brother. I'm not the Clave. I will not judge you, or think less of you, or persecute you if you cry."

I stared back at him, lips shaking. He really did love me.

It was agonizing to see him so upset. But it was worse that he wouldn't let his emotions out.

Alec…Alec can't let his emotions out in another way. If he's angry, he hits things, if he's sad, he cries, et cetera. He can't vent or convert them in any way, he doesn't know how. So they stay where they are to choke him, to drown him. Most of the time he can get rid of them, at least until he snaps. If he's angry and he doesn't let that out he'll be punching holes in walls when he finally lets loose. If he's sad he hold everything in until he's alone somewhere and can scream bloody murder.

I wasn't going to let that happen right now because of some stupid code these Nephilim had. Oh yes, death is a celebration of the deceased ascending to Heaven and it's a happy time, right? NO! Death, especially one of a child, lost in the first spark of life, a paragon of innocence and chaste light, is terrible and should be mourned as the tragedy it is. Saying that a child being murdered is a good thing makes no sense to me. Don't get me wrong, I understand they're just trying to soften the blow and what-not, but really…

I digress.

My point is, Alec needed to cry.

"Alexander," I held his cheek, wishing he'd let those tears escape from those beautiful eyes. "I'm not your father. I'm not your brother. I'm not the Clave. I will not judge you, or think less of you, or persecute you if you cry right now."

He stared at me for a moment, shaking. I frowned. "Alec, darling, come here." I held him close. He wrapped his arms around my neck, burying his face in my shoulder. I felt his shoulders start to shake, the quiet, muffled noises coming from his lips.

"Shh…it's alright, it's alright. Let it out, darling. It's okay."

"He was just a kid," he choked. "He was a little boy and…It's not fair!"

I held the back of his head, glad that he was letting all this out. He cried harder and harder, clinging to me for dear life. I held him, rubbing his back, rocking him back and forth. God how I wanted to make this all go away. I'd seen the little fellow before, yes, and he was absolutely adorable. He was smart, strong and brave, just like his brothers and sister. I know he would have fought, because Alec and Jace would have fought, and he knew that. And that fact makes me certain that "Sebastian" threatened Isabelle's life if Max wasn't quiet. That's how he got him to be so compliant and... I…I can't talk about that poor child anymore, I'm sorry.

"I wasn't there," he trembled. "I wasn't there and that…that son of a bitch killed him. My little brother…he was just a kid, Magnus."

"Shh…" I soothed, cradling him close. "There was nothing you could do. You didn't know, Alexander. It's not your fault." I wiped his cheeks, brushing those tears away. I kissed him gently. "It's alright, love. It's perfectly alright."

He kissed me again, deeper this time. And again, and again, holding my face.

"Alec," I said, trying to break away from him. He continued to kiss me, even running his hands inside my shirt. "Alec, stop." I grabbed his wrists, holding him back. "ALEC!" He looked at me, still crying, still in pain.

"I…I…" He stammered tearfully.

"Listen to me," I said softly. "Don't think I don't want this, I do," I assured, holding his face. "But not like this. I will not let you become your sister."

He collapsed against me, sobbing so hard I couldn't understand what he was saying.

I'd never been more thankful to have someone like him in my life. I'd never been more grateful for Magnus's presence. I love him. That's it, plain and simple. I love him.

I don't know if I'm brave enough to say it out loud, but I do. I love him. I buried my face in his shirt, smelling his cologne and a faint scent of smoke.

My warlock, my Magnus, my love. And it had taken me this long to realize this is where I belong. I need to stay right here in his arms, forever.