A/N: Just a quick warning, there's something I worry might be triggering nearer the end of this chapter. I don't thinkit will be, and I hope I've written it with the respect that it deserves. I think it's safe to say almost everyone has had some experience with this in the past, I know I have, so that's why I hope it wont be too upsetting for anyone. I haven't gone into detail, really only as much as is needed.

Also I've took some artistic license and altered a little something from canon.

Tuesday 24th December 2019

Blaine

It's Christmas Eve and the entire house is woken early by the sound of a neighbour belting out carols as he shovels his drive of snow, out of tune, and much to the annoyance of everyone within hearing distance. I roll over and groan, slinking out of bed and padding into the bathroom, hearing Kurt muffle the words 'oh dear god make it stop' into his pillow before the shower, thankfully, drowns out all other noise.

I walk back into the bedroom not long later and notice that Kurt's no longer in bed, and then I hear his voice downstairs. I begin to get dressed, pulling on boxers and shuffling into jeans. I hear the creak of the top step and the groan of our door as it's pushed open and he walks in, pushing it shut behind him as I button my jeans. His eyes roam quickly over my exposed torso, eyebrow quirking minutely as our eyes lock, his Adams apple bobbing as he swallows.

"Hey," he says simply, still dressed in his pyjamas, which actually consist of a baggy t-shirt which falls off one shoulder, exposing a wide expanse of unblemished skin over taut muscle and sharp bone, and a pair of my sweats, which he insists are more comfortable than his own despite being a couple inches too short.

"Hey," I say back, forcing my eyes from his collarbone, trailing quickly down his body, trying not to reach out towards him when I see the inch of exposed skin stretched between those hip bones I adore so much.

I then turn away from him, concentrating on finding a shirt, trying, and failing, to not think about the fact we haven't had sex in almost two weeks. It doesn't sound that long, but when you curl up beside a beautiful, horny man every night it takes a lot of will power to refrain yourself. It's mostly my own fault though, only really comfortable with quick kisses or hurried make out sessions when the possibility of someone walking in is so high. Not that Kurt hasn't tried to tempt me though; he's a lot less bothered by his family being around than I am.

"Blaine," he practically mewls my name behind me, making me jump because I didn't realise he'd got so close. His hands fall down to rest on my hips, fingers slotting into that small gap beside each hip bone and my jeans, his fingers massaging the tender muscles there. I close my eyes, trying not to moan as I feel his breath warm on my neck. "I don't know whether you've realised but… the bed's not changed," he whispers throatily in my ear.

"Huh?" I breathe, turning to face where he's now nuzzling against my neck. He catches my eye and smirks, tightening his arms, his chest pressed against my back through the thin fabric of his t-shirt and I can feel waves of heat rushing off him.

"Neither has the mattress," he whispers, attaching his lips to my neck and sucking gently, making me gasp as my hands tighten on the wood of the set of draws in front of me. He chuckles as his lips slip from my skin, the hands on my hips tightening as he turns me around, hands suddenly flat on my chest he pushes me gently back. I hit the wood with a small thump and try not to shiver as his fingers ghost down my chest, my abdomen and stomach, tracing a delicate line above my jeans as he leans in close. "So, apart from the sheets, it's exactly the same as the first time we…" he trails off as his lips reattach to my throat, moaning into my skin as fingers trail up my spine like silk, and finallyI understand what he's getting at.

I manage to suppress my laughter as I tilt my head back, giving him better access. "The first time we what?" I tease as he begins to walk backwards, fingers hooked into my belt loops.

"I think you know," he responds impishly, leaning down quickly to slam his mouth against mine hard. His tongue licks my lips open as both his hands tug at my jeans, pulling our hips flush together. Eventually his knee's hit the bed and his lips detach from mine as he falls back, a devilish smile curling his mouth before he drags me between his parted knees. "Maybe we can have a second act," he cocks an eyebrow and forcibly pulls me down, rolling his hips up to meet mine where I fall on top of him, hands roaming up my spine, splaying over my shoulder blades as he leans up and peppers my chest with kisses.

I speak through nervous laughter, resting my hands either side of his head to stare down at his mussed hair and blown eyes, pink lips decorating my chest. "If I remember rightly we already had a second act. And a third. A fourth. Tenth, twentieth, fiftieth. To be honest Kurt I've lost count of what act we-"

He shuts me up with a deep, toe curling kiss, hands fisting into my hair, body arcing from the bed to curve against mine, tongue insistent and desperate against my own, small moans and groans echoing from his chest, making it extremely difficult for me to pull away. But when I do his hands instantly move to the hem of his own t-shirt, practically ripping it from his body before dragging us chest to chest. I then feel his hands slide downwards, quickly unbuttoning my jeans, lips sucking irregularly on my neck, making my eyes stutter open and closed as my blood pumps louder and louder in my ear.

"Kurt- stop," I mumble, but he doesn't hear as he drags down the zip with one hand, nails of the other scratching down the side of my ribs and making me shudder. "Kurt!" I say his name louder and finally get his attention. His eyes lock on mine and are almost completely black, nails contracting slightly on my skin as I make a determined effort to stop my hips crashing down on his with the mixture of pain and pleasure he's creating over my flesh. I shake my head a little, trying to sort out my thoughts. "We can't," I manage after a deep breath, "I don't want to with…" I pause to breathe and watch with a stab of guilt as his face drops upon realisation of what I've just said.

"W-what?" He pushes himself up onto his elbows and drags himself a little away from me as I hurry to explain.

"No, no! That came out wrong… I want to. I mean, I reallywant to," I assure him, looking down at the prominent bulge in my pants which I'm straining to hold back, wanting nothing more that to grind against the ridge of his delicious hips. "But I- we can't, with your parents," he frowns at me as I stumble to explain. "I just… they're rightdownstairs," I plead, nodding to the door as if to prove my point.

"That- that never stopped you before," be tries, smiling a little as he traces my hairline with one finger, hurt lingering in his eyes.

I laugh back a little nervously. Moving to kneel above him, taking extra care to not allow myself any friction as I sit on his knees while he continues to look up at me. "I know it didn't but… it's different now. I mean, as much as I love morning sex," I grin as I re-button my jeans, "I just don't feel comfortable doing it with your parents down in the kitchen," I try to explain, hoping he'll understand how this could make me uncomfortable.

He stares at me for a moment before speaking. "Yeah…" he hums, sitting up beneath me and smiling up at me where I'm still a couple of inches taller than him. "Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry," he apologises with a sigh, hands rubbing up and down my waist. "I just, y'know…" he trails off with a shrug and blushes. I duck my head to catch his eye as he moves to wriggle out from beneath me.

"Just what?" I ask, trying to see his eyes through his thick lashes, his blush turning from pink to red in a second.

"Just… I dunno," he shrugs again as his blush spreads to his ears.

"Kurt, tell me!" I whine, nudging his head up to face me and grinning down at him.

"I just… sometimes-I-just-really-want-you," he rushes to say, blush creeping down his neck. "Well… when I say 'sometimes', I kind of mean all the time," he laughs nervously before chancing a look up at me.

I laugh and struggle to stop myself from grinding down on him, choosing to focus on his adorableness instead of his want for me. "Why're you blushing?" I ask, keeping hold of his chin as I force him to look at me.

He rolls his eyes, "because I'm being stupid," he shakes his head a little and attempts a half smile.

I shake my head slowly before speaking, "no you're not. It's not stupid to want someone." I continue to shake my head, unable to believe that he would be self-conscious of this. "It's actually very flattering," I say in the hope that it'll reduce his embarrassment.

He just hums in the back of his throat, avoiding eye contact as his hands rest on my hips, thumbs pressing into the bones almost experimentally.

"Hey, don't 'hmmm' at me," I tease, bringing both my hands up to cup his face, bringing it close to my own as I speak the next words, watching as his lips part slowly when I stop with my own only an inch away. "And I'll tell you something, I want you just as bad," I breath the words straight between his lips and don't miss the shiver which runs the length of his spine, the way his hands tighten on my hips and his eyes stutter closed.

He whimpers as I pull back, climbing swiftly off of him he slumps back, closing his eyes and groaning. I can't resist a smile as I see his pyjamas tented against his erection. I move around to the wardrobe and pull on a shirt, buttoning it quickly before looking round at him again. He's not moved. I raise my foot and kick at the side of his ribs gently, "get up," I tell him, "go shower and… sort yourself out," I offer with a grin. He glares at me before rolling off the other side, disappearing into the bathroom with a huff, leaving me with a head full of questions I've been waiting to ask for what feels like forever, when really it's hasn't yet been a week.

/

Not long later, after breakfast and offering to help with the food for tomorrow, after promising Ava we'll build a snowman later and promising Kurt that if we do I wont throw snowballs at him, I find myself sat cross legged at the head of our bed, watching Kurt wrap a few last minute presents. I watch him smile with each meticulous fold, then grinning as he ties a final bow before smoothing both hands over the paper. He's just cutting a new piece, scissors snapping swiftly when I blurt out one of my many questions;

"Why've-you-never-mentioned-any-ex-boyfriends?" I ask quickly, the words jumbling together, taking him off guard. I don't miss the way his cutting slices off at the wrong angle, the way his shoulders tense, the worried look which flashes behind his eyes. But then it's gone, and he's just looking up, smiling slowly as he puts his scissors down.

"I don't know… there's never been any reason to..." he trails off, picking up a box with a silk scarf in for Carole. He places it in the middle of the paper and begins wrapping as I continue to watch him.

"But… you know about mine," I say weakly, picking at the fabric I'm sat on.

"I know about two of them," he corrects, not looking up.

"That's two more than I know about," I reply rather moodily, finally causing him to look up. He sighs when he see's my serious expression, dropping the tape in his hand he rubs tiredly at his face.

"Fine. What do you want to know?" he then says, moving around from the foot of the bed to sit beside me, angled towards me while his feet remain flat on the floor.

I shrug, suddenly unsure of what I want to know now the unknown is open for questioning, "I don't know… how many has there been?" I settle on asking.

"How many what?" he asks slowly.

"What do you think?" I laugh gently, quickly stopping when he doesn't even so much as crack a smile.

"Well… how many serious relationships? How many boyfriends? Dates? Fucks?" He asks irritably, jaw set tight, voice cold as he stares at me. Then slowly his words sink in.

"Surely the 'fucks' are synonymous with the 'boyfriends'," I say before I can stop myself.

"Not always," he replies after a moment too long, lips pursing, chin jutting slightly as if challenging me to argue.

"Oh," is all I manage to reply with, eyebrows rising slightly, completely taken aback by this revelation, always having known Kurt as a romantic. He'd always been completely against random hook-ups, and often scoffed at the various relationship dramas of his high school friends.

"Eurgh. This is why I didn't want to talk to you about this," he practically growls as he stands up, folding his arms over his chest as he walks away, turning to face me as he leans back against the chest of drawers.

"What? Why? I mean… it's none of my business what, or who for that matter, you've done," I reply, feeling a hint of nausea in my stomach at the thought of him sleeping around, anger beginning to bubble in my blood, jealousy crawling beneath my skin as I stare resolutely into his grey eyes.

"Yeah well… I know how you feel about- about one night stands or whatever you want to call them, so there's no need to start judging me," he huffs, moving to the foot of the bed to begin clearing up his stuff. I can see tears welling in his eyes and suddenly all my anger evaporates as I watch his hands shake slightly.

I take a deep breath, "I'm not judging you Kurt, I just-" I try to explain before he cuts me off, swinging round to face me.

His hands are fisted, jaw set, eyes red, "you are judging me Blaine! I know you are because everyone always does!" he half yells, body shaking with emotion. Then he chokes out a sob, obviously trying to hold it back before he screws his eyes shut, pressing his palms into them and turning his back to face me.

"Hey hey, no… no I'm not," I plead, crawling quickly to the end of the bed, tentatively taking hold of his arms, turning him to face me. "I'm sorry, Kurt come and sit down; I'm not judging you, please?" I beg, forcing his hands from his eyes, feeling my heart break a little at the sadness and embarrassment evident in his features. "It was just a shock, that's all. I remember how you used to feel about romance and sex, I just didn't think they'd ever become separate for you," I try to explain as I kneel up on the bed, wrapping my arms around his waist where he's stood in front of me, pressing my head against his chest and listening to the frantic beating of his heart.

He sniffles a little before relaxing into the embrace, shuffling forward until his knees hit the mattress, his arms wrapping around me before he leans down, cheek coming to rest against my head as he speaks. "I guess I grew up and got over all the romance crap," he whispers. His chest quivers beneath my face as his breathing evens out.

"What do you mean?" I finally ask, leaning back to look up at him but keeping my arms secure around his body.

"Well… getting your heart broken changes a person," he replies with the smallest shrug, avoiding my eyes as he stares at the carpet.

"Who broke your heart?" I ask, tilting my head to the side to try and capture his eyes.

And then he looks down at me, eyes locking on mine so suddenly that my own widen in shock. His expression is sad, eyes bloodshot, lips turned down in a frown, "You broke my heart Blaine," he says. Then he opens his mouth, as if to say something else but thinks better of it before gently closing it.

"Oh Kurt," I sigh, feeling all the air leave my lungs as my heart shatters in my chest. I drag him against me again, squeezing him tight as his arms wrap securely back around me. We cling to each other in silence for a few minutes, hating ourselves for the pain we've both caused.

"I don't even know why I'm crying," he eventually says through a laugh, releasing me to grab a tissue. I catch his wrist as he reaches for them, making him look down. I raise my hands and gently swipe my thumbs beneath his eyes, causing them to gently flutter closed, eyelashes tickling the pads of my thumbs. I move my hands to cup his cheeks, his eyes opening with a smile before he leans slowly down towards me.

And just at that moment, that shared moment as our eyes drift closed and our lips are so, soclose to touching, tears clinging to eyelashes, the door bangs open with a resounding smack.

"Finn said he heard shou- oh," Burt stops mid sentence, hand still caught on the door knob, eyes widening for the briefest second as he takes in our position; clinging to one another, lips barely meeting, eyes red, before Kurt groans, straightening his back and glaring at his dad over my head. I laugh as I feel a blush spread up my neck, the tips of my ears burning as I allow my hands to fall to Kurt's chest, pressing my forehead against his sternum.

"What!" Kurt shouts, voice cracking from having been crying.

"I- sorry… I thought… are you crying?" Burt stammers, taking a half step forward to study Kurt's red eyes, his voice changing from apologetic to protective in a second.

"I- no," Kurt shakes his head, "well yes, I was but that's not important," he tries to explain as I move from kneeling to swing my legs off the bed. I stand up beside him and half turn to look at Burt, my hand gingerly grasping Kurt's as his dad glances between the two of us. "Dad, can you please just leave us alone for a minute?" Kurt pleads, hand tightening around mine.

"Finn said he heard shouting," Burt repeats, refusing to move from the doorway, glancing occasionally towards me as I inch closer to Kurt, leaning forward I rest my forehead against his shoulder, willing my heart to stop pounding as Kurt's words repeat over and over again in my mind, as well as wondering what else he'd wanted to say.

"Yes it was me… now can you please just go?" he practically begs, free hand moving to cradle the back of my neck where it's bowed towards him. I shiver as his fingers twist gently in my hair before he angles himself completely towards me, pulling me against him. Our hands release each other, his automatically winding around my waist as both my arms move to cling around his shoulder, burying my face into his neck. I can no longer see Burt, my back to him and eyes screwed shut with the effort to hold back tears of my own.

"If you're sure you're both o-" I hear Burt say hesitantly, cut off as Kurt speaks above me.

"We're fineDad," he assures him, hands beginning to rub soothingly over my back. I then hear the door gently click shut. Kurt continues to rub my spine, leaning down to press a soft kiss to my ear before he speaks gently, "why're you crying Blaine?"

I laugh a little bitterly, turning my face to look into his, "I was such a fucking idiot Kurt."

"What're you talking about?" He asks, concern lacing his words.

"Before… I just- If I hadn't been such a complete dick to you that morning, or- or if I hadn't been so a-aggressive." I pull away slightly, wiping at my eyes as his arms remain around me. "If I'd bothered to call you afterwards. We could have- we might have never- If I'd just had the g-guts to speakto you, or-" my voice is growing louder and I become steadily more annoyed at my younger self before his words cut me off.

"Or if I hadn't had sex with another guy," he says.

My head snaps up instantly to look at him, shaking my head as I reply, "No Kurt don't-"

He's instantly talking again, smiling a little hollowly as he cups my cheeks, "don't what? Don't take the blame? Blaine, when are you going to realise what happened wasn't your fault at all," he emphasises the final words, eyes quickly roaming over my face as he delicately pushes my hair back. "You weren't an idiot back then," he says with a small smile, "but you're being one now," he tells me, dragging me into his comforting embrace.

Somehow I find myself laughing, relaxing against his body. I don't agree with what he's saying, but I know well enough that arguing will get me nowhere, and right now all I want is for him to be happy.

"Are you okay? Do you want me to go and get you a drink or…" he trails off as I shake my head.

"No, can we just stay here for a bit?" he nods with a smile and drags me over to the bed. Gingerly we lie down beside each other, face to face as we smile. His arm falls over my waist, mine coming up to trace his hairline while the one I'm lying on curls around my body, tangling our fingers gently. His eyes close as he sighs beneath my touch, a smile spreading across his face, and for the millionth time I fall a little bit more in love with him.

"We really do get ourselves in a state sometime," he says after a few minutes, eyes fluttering open sleepily as he laughs under his breath.

I laugh back and nod, relieved to see the redness around his eyes fading. I wait for his eyes to fall shut again before speaking the question I'm still waiting for answers to. "Can we still talk about- about your ex's, if you don't mind?"

His small smile disappears but he doesn't refuse, he doesn't even so much as groan. Just shrugs a little, eyes opening slowly, "I guess," he says, "what exactly do you want to know?"

That same question hits me again and suddenly I'm speechless. It's hard because I don't know whatI want to know. Do I want to know how many guys he's fucked? Probably not… I think as a fresh wave of jealousy crashes through me, followed by a strange sick feeling at just how many hands might've touched him, lips might've kissed him, how many men might've fucked him. I try not to imagine their hands roaming over his flawless body, painting sordid lines across his skin, mouths breathing hot against his neck. I feel myself shudder as images flood my mind.

Groaning I roll onto my back, earning a frown from Kurt before he tentatively shuffles forward, nudging my arm until I move it. He snuggles into the space and my arm already accustomed to his shape falls comfortably over him as his head rests against my shoulder. He winds an arm over me, running his fingertips up my side before speaking, "What's wrong?"

I laugh and look down at him, admiring the way our bodies slot together perfectly; moulding to fit the other as if we were bornto lie like this, and I just knowhe's never had that with anyone but me. "Just trying not to imagine you with other men," I tell him, only half joking.

"It's really not that many… if you want to know-"

"No no… I'd rather not. Honestly, it doesn't bother me," I lie. He stares at me for a second before leaning up, pressing a quick kiss to my jaw before cuddling back down against me. "Just… tell me about your serious relationships," I settle on, figuring they're the only ones which must matter to him, or at least did at some point.

"M'kay," he sighs a little, hooking a leg over mine almost possessively. I watch his eyes close as he begins to talk. "I didn't really erm, date anyone, for a long time after we broke up. I just didn't," I nod a little, knowing exactly how he'd felt. "Then I moved to London, and well, I'm sure you can imagine how much of a change studying fashion in London was to a high school in Ohio," he says, and I have to physically hold back a groan as I imagine all the gay men not only at his college but in London, in clubs and bars and student accommodation. "I sort of had a hard time settling in, I was really homesick and quite honestly I was terrified of this huge city and the millions of people and how- how just, openeveryone was about everything. I mean, I was hardly in the closet here but… it was like a whole other world," he looks up at me then and I can see a happy gleam in his eyes as he talks about where is now home.

"Carry on," I tell him after nodding my agreement.

"So… all of a sudden there were guys just- just asking me out and hooking up with each other and people were inviting me to bars and… I dunno, I guess I was sort of terrified of what could happen. I was still kind of, depressed, so I didn't really go out much for the first few months, just politely turning people down and I guess it sort of got around that I didn't date, and that was fine with me. Anyway… it was about mid way through my first year when this guy, Jamie, came over and started talking to me. He asked me out and yeah, we just sort of went from there I guess," he finishes a little suddenly.

"How long did you date for?" I ask.

"Er…" he hums, "we were together for about… eight months? Nine months? I think it was nine," he says. My jaw tenses at the word 'together'. I don't want him 'together' with anyone but me,I think as my grip around him tightens a little.

"What happened?"

He shrugs, not seeming all that bothered about the failed relationship, "Nothing big we just sort of drifted apart. We both got so busy with work, he was an art student, and I guess we just stopped making time for each other." I nod a little above him, not really having anything to say. After a minute he continues, "about three months later was…" he frowns a little as he thinks, "Eli, which lasted just over a year," he sighs a little at that, and I find my heart leaping into my throat at his reaction.

"What happened with Eli?" I ask, voice low as I feel him press closer to me.

"He moved back to New Zealand," he shrugs. "We were stupid really, because we knew he'd be going home in the new year but, I dunno, you don't really think about the logistics of a relationship when you're in lo- when you're in it," he catches himself just in time, and a feel a jolt of something unnameable race up my spin.

When you're in love,he was going to say. He loved this other man, I find myself thinking over and over again. And it's stupid really for this to surprise me, for this to make my heart lurch and my grip tighten and my eyes flutter closed with something similar to defeat. Had I been foolish enough after our breakup to believe he'd never fall in love again? No… but I had been foolish enough to hope.

That sounds cruel,I think to myself, and it's wrong. I wanted him to fall in love. I wanted him to fall madly, passionately, insatiably in love. But I wanted that to be with me,I realise suddenly, almost shaking with the realisation of the truth. Even when I'd been with Liam for three years, even after moving to England, the relationships I've had there, all that time, in the back of my mind had been Kurt; I wonder where he lives… I wonder what college he went to… I wonder who he sleeps beside at night.

"Blaine?" he speaks beside me and I blink a few times to clear my head, my mind having drifted. He's looking at me with a concerned expression, and I wonder how long I'd been silent. "Are you okay?" he asks worried.

"I- yeah. Yeah I'm fine, sorry," I smile reassuringly, leaning down to press a quick kiss to his parted lips, feeling his sigh into my mouth. I'm who he sleeps beside at night,I think with a rush of triumph and pride and overwhelming joy. "Sorry, my mind wandered, carry on," I explain with a smile.

He stares at me for a moment longer before dropping back down against me and continuing, snuggling an inch closer. His body is suddenly tense against mine, no longer relaxed as he speaks, "So after Eli was- was Luke," my own body tenses at the name; this is what I've been waiting for. I feel him shuffle against me a little. "Urm, I don't really know what to say about him…" he trails off a little.

"How'd you meet?" I ask inquisitively.

"Just a friend of a friend sort of situation," he says unhelpfully as I glance down to see him wet his dry lips, eyes averted to the other side of the room. "And after him was-"

"No no- wait!" I say suddenly, not getting nearly as much information as I'd hoped for. Kurt looks up at me suddenly, "What happened? How long were you… together?" I find myself asking without thinking, hating the word 'together' a little bit more each minute.

He looks away silently, taking a deep breath before exhaling through his nose. "We were together for about two and a half years," my eyes widen in shock, "we lived together for two of those," I hadn't even thought about the possibility of him having lived with someone, "and- and we broke up after he- when he- he erm-" he takes a stuttering breath and my eyebrows shoot up as I watch tears well in his eyes for the second time, my heart hammering at this new information. "Oh god, I'm sorry," he's suddenly muttering as he rolls quickly off of me and sits up, legs swinging off the bed. I watch his spine curve as he lowers his face into his hands.

I'm frozen in place, a chill washing over me from where his warmth has disappeared, watching with stunned eyes as he cries over another man, sobs wracking his body. And then suddenly he's standing and I bolt upright, watching every fluid move of his body as his hands tangle in his hair and pull at his scalp in frustration. He turns then, just slightly, and I can see his profile, his skin is red and patchy, his mouth and eyes squeezed shut as if to hold in his sobs. "Kurt?" I say delicately, scooting to his side of the bed, watching with hesitant eyes.

He either doesn't hear me or just ignores me, his arms falling to his side limply as he paces slightly; not facing me I see his hands weakly wind around his waist. "What the fuck is wrong with me?" he suddenly gasps through a fresh sob before he kicks at the wardrobe, his foot bare, a crunching sound breaking the tense silence before he cries out in pain and falls to the floor, cradling his injured foot.

"Kurt!" I call out before I fall to the floor beside him. I force my arms around him and drag him back against my chest, hooking my arms beneath his knees I manoeuvre him onto my lap, my back against the bed as he turns and coils against me. He cries into my neck, one hand clinging to his foot while the other is held over his mouth as if to silence himself. I shush him and rock him gently, one hand rubbing over his back, the other along his thigh, whispering in his ear every once in a while, telling him it's okay and I'm here and you don't have to tell meand I love you.

Eventually his sobs calm to small hiccups and gentle shudders, his hand drops from his mouth and clings instead to the collar of my shirt and his eyes fall closed with exhaustion. "How's your foot?" I ask, eyes darting to look at the toes he's still cradling.

He snorts a little and blinks his eyes open, head lifting from my shoulder to look at his toes, peeling his fingers away I'm relieved to see none look broken. "Fine," he says quietly, slowly wiggling them before his head falls to rest on my shoulder again. "I'm sorry," he then whispers against my skin.

"You've got nothing to be sorry for Kurt," I tell him, squeezing slightly, "I shouldn't have forced you to tell me when you obviously didn't want to."

"It's not that I don't want to tell you," he reassures me, hand releasing my collar and moving to trace behind my ear, tickling along my jaw as he tilts my head to face him. "It's just I've never told anyonebefore." His eyes are blood shot, skin pallid, eyelashes clinging together.

"Told anyone what?" I find myself whispering almost directly between his lips as he stares up at me.

"About Luke," he confirms.

"What about him?" I whisper again, my entire body still, the sound of blood rushing in my ears.

He stares up at me for the longest second. I can feel his heart pounding from where my hand rests on his back, I can see his eyes searching mine, his throat working to swallow before speaking two simple, heart breaking words; "he died," is all he says, voice barely audible over the heavy silence, his eyes dulling with pure, indescribable sorrow. My mouth falls open instantly but there are no words, so I just watch as his eye lashes flutter closed and a single, silent tear falls from the corner of his eye, falling fast over already tear stained skin before dripping onto my neck.

His hand drops from where his fingers were resting on my jaw and fists the fabric of my shirt as he pushes harder against me, burrowing deeper, pressing his face into my neck as his body begins to convulse with renewed sobs.

"Oh god Kurt," the words leave my body helplessly as my grip around him tightens protectively. Not because he's crying for another man, but because I'd do anything to take away his pain, for me to suffer it instead. I would give the world to see him smiling. "I'm sorry Kurt, I'm so sorry," I tell him uselessly as I duck my head, pressing delicate kisses to the half of his face I can reach, rocking him gently and wishing I'd never brought this up.

We remain in silence, occasionally broken by him shuddering or me whispering against his skin. Then our door creaks open and I'm momentarily confused before I remember where we are. It opens slowly to reveal Ava, stood in a woolly winter hat, thick coat and mittens, a scarf hanging around her neck and the laces of her shoes untied. "Daddy can you help me with- Kurty?" he tone changes when her eyes fall on Kurt, cradled in my arms.

She tentatively enters the room, coming to a stop directly in front of us. I lean forward, Kurt moving with me slightly, to tie her laces for her, watching her as she cocks her head to the side inquisitively. Kurt wipes at his eyes and attempts to smile at her, leaning forward to zip up her coat. "You're crying," she observes, reaching a hand out to touch Kurt's face, fingers gliding smoothly down his cheeks from his eyes, tracing the path of his tears.

He looks up and smiles again; sniffling a little he cups her face and pulls her down, pressing a kiss to her forehead just below her hat. "Just a little," he tells her, "but I'm okay now."

She looks unconvinced, glancing to me as if for proof. "You going out to play Av?" I ask, drawing the attention away from Kurt.

She nods slowly, "with Finn," she tells me before looking back to Kurt, "promise?" she says simply, eyebrows rising questioningly.

"I promise Av, I'm fine, I'm just being silly," he tries to assure her, smiling again as he knots her scarf for her.

"Do you need me to sing you a song?" she asks seriously, and I look at Kurt just in time to see a genuine smile curl his lips, eyes creasing in the corners as he looks at her.

"Not right now, but maybe later?"

She nods enthusiastically, "and will you come out to play in the snow later? You and daddy?" her eyes dart briefly to me.

Kurt nods, still smiling, "of course we will," he assures her.

She smiles again, and then suddenly Finn's booming voice is calling her from the bottom of the stairs, teasing that all the snow will be gone if she takes much longer. She's laughing as she leans forward, wrapping her small arms around Kurt's neck, "love you Kurty," she tells him before pulling away, and I see as his face light up.

"Love you too Ava," he immediately says in return.

She beams before turning to me, "and I guess you're not too bad either," she teases, leaning over Kurt to kiss my jaw.

I laugh at her teasing, "thanks," I say. Then with one final glance at us both, her eyes lingering a moment longer on Kurt, she turns and disappears from the room, leaving the door wide open.

Kurt then sighs heavily and slumps back against me. I wind my arms around his waist from his changed position and kiss his shoulder, feeling him shuffle to get comfortable. "My ass is so numb," he says through a hollow laugh.

I laugh a little in return, "I know, same," I tell him, hands falling to his hips to steady him as he stands, bending his back and rolling his shoulders before turning to offer me a hand. He pulls me up and I instantly drag him against me, feeling him sigh exhaustedly before relaxing into my arms. "I'm sorry Kurt, I really am," I tell him again, not even able to imagine how awful Luke's death must've been for him.

He doesn't respond for a while, just letting me hold him for a few minutes before finally speaking. "D'you want to know who was after him?" he asks against my hair, pulling back a little to look at me, half his mouth turned up into a smile.

"No… no I don't, I shouldn't have asked, it-" I hurry to assure him.

"But this is when it gets good," he says gently, eyes taking in my worried expression. "You. You were after him," he tells me, "and you've made me happier than I ever thought possible," he's nodding as he swallows, "you really have." And then he's kissing me, gently parting my lips before trailing his tongue along my teeth, gliding against my own, pressing a little hungrily before pulling back. He licks at his lips, tasting me there before resting our foreheads together.

And we just stay like that for a minute, wound so tightly together that if he was to step away now I'm sure I'd fall to the floor. My heart is still beating fast in my chest with what Kurt's told me, my head starting to ache with exhaustion and sorrow for Kurt. "I'm sorry Kurt," I repeat myself, not knowing what else to say. His eyes flicker open, still glazed with tears but smiling very slightly.

"It's not your fault silly," he teases gently, allowing his eyes to fall back closed, body sinking more against mine. But I take the weight, supporting him in the only way I seem able to.

"Can I- do you mind if I ask…" I trail off, not knowing how to word my question.

"How?" he finishes it for me and I just nod lamely. I hear him swallow the lump in his throat before taking a deep breath, "He erm, he always suffered from headaches, for as long as I knew him anyway. They just started to get really bad all of a sudden, lasting days and days, sometimes- sometimes well over a week," Kurt's speech is faltering and stuttery at this point, his body practically shaking in my arms. "Then he started vomiting in the mornings, struggling to form words. One morning he woke up and he- he couldn't feel his entire right side, it was completely numb," he's taking deep, calming breaths and I watch with a broken heart as he relives those mornings. "I- I rang the ambulance that morning, and he was just stumbling around the apartment, he was so angry I'd rang 999. He hated hospitals," he laughs bitterly at that. I don't crack a smile.

"It took me and two paramedics to get him into the ambulance and then he- he had a seizure and I- all I can remember is the sound of the sirens," his hands are shaking where they gripping me tightly, tears falling fast and heavy down his cheeks for what feels like the hundredth time today. "Then we were at the hospital and he was being wheeled away and I was trying to call his parents. Hours later, I don't know how many hours, it felt like forever, they'd done all sorts of scans and stuff, and we were finally allowed in to see him," Kurt leans back slightly, rubbing his hands down his face before looking down at me with wide, tearful eyes. "Turns out he had a tumour the size of a grapefruit growing right…" he trails off gently, reaching his hand up, briefly cupping my cheek before a singular finger parts my hair, trailing above my ear for about four inches before stopping, pressing a little harder, "…here," he finishes, my breath stuttering as his eyes move from the point of his finger to look into mine.

And then his hands drops suddenly, face falling into a half hearted smile which looks much more like a grimace. "Oh Kurt," I gasp, leaning forward to rest my pounding head against his chest, feeling his breath reassuring and regular against my hair. "I'm so sorry… I don't know what to say, I can't even begin to imagine," I'm shaking my head as I speak.

"Sometimes I can't either," is all he says, squeezing me tightly before taking a half step back. He looks down and sniffles a little before speaking again, "this is going to seem like an odd request, but can you not mention this to dad and Carole? They don't actually know,"

"They don't know?" I ask confused.

He shakes his head, "He erm, he broke up with me when he got diagnosed… that morning in fact… because he thought it'd be easier for me if- if we weren't technically together, easier for me to move on I guess. But it was pointless because there was no way I was going anywhere. He had surgery but it was too late apparently, it had spread," he shrugs a little, not really wanting to remember. "Anyway, he kept telling me to just leave and get on with my life but he- he was my life, I couldn't just leavehim. So I er, I told my parents we broke up, and they accepted that. And then months later when he- he died it seemed pointless to tell them. It'd just upset them and I- I didn't want their pity so…" he shrugs again as he trails off.

I nod, promising I won't mention it. He smiles a little before sighing heavily. Unwinding his arms from around me and with somewhat shaky hands rubs his face, the corners of his eyes and pushes his hair back. I just stare up at him with sad eyes, feeling my heart ache for the pain he must have gone through. "I'm sorry," I repeat myself, "for bringing this up and for upsetting you and-"

He laughs, although it sounds somewhat empty. "Stop apologising, and you had every right to want to know and as for upsetting me well, I upset myself," he tells me, rubbing my arms comfortingly, despite him being the one in need of comfort. "And stop looking at me like that," he then says jokingly, although I can hear the seriousness beneath the laughter. I quickly change my face from pitying to a smile, although he doesn't seem convinced.

"Sorry," I instantly apologise again, "but I just can't even imagine…" I trail off; staring into his wide, pain stricken eyes, "I mean, if I ever lost you I don't even-"

"Don't!" he says suddenly, hand moving swiftly to silence me as his eyes flash with fear, "don't even talk about that!" he threatens. "We're both fine, and we're both healthy, and we're not going anywhere," he tells me sternly. And I just nod, believing his words because what choice do I have? "Okay," he says, although it seems more to himself, "well, I'm completely exhausted," his eyes then find mine and for the first time since this conversation began I can see genuine laughter in them. "Can you tell I've been crying?" he asks.

I nod, to which he groans and moves around to his vanity, falling onto the stool in defeat. He peers closely at his face, tilting his head before picking up a small tub of cream and beginning to massage it into his skin. I watch his reflection in the mirror as he works to remove the redness, dabbing some around his eyes which fall closed as he gently works it in with his ring finger. When he blinks them open he catches my eye and smiles a little, although it doesn't make his face crinkle with happiness.

"I guess I should go and help dad and Carole then," he groans as he stands, stretching his arms a little as he makes his way towards me, "what're you going to do?"

I shrug, "might go outside with Finn and Av, or I can stay in with you and help," he shakes his head and smiles, lacing our hands before walking from the room, leading me down the stairs.

He grabs my coat and holds it out for me, helping me into it before kissing behind my ear, pressing his face into my neck a little. "I might come out later," he says as we walk into the kitchen. Carole turns from the sink and smiles at us, Burt looking up from where he's been set to work chopping carrots. Neither of them mentions Kurt's not very well hidden red eyes. Burt has no doubt told Carole what he'd walked in on earlier anyway.

"M'kay," I say, he opens the back door and holds it for me as I step out, pulling my gloves on. I can hear Finn and Ava's voice carrying on the wind, Rachel's occasional screams mixing with them, their laughter high pitched and carefree. I turn back to him where he's pulled the door shut slightly behind himself, obscuring us from his parents view. He shivers in the cold, skin even paler than usual as it reflects the snow, eyes bright and clear in the low winter sun as he stares at where Finn is running with Ava towering high on his shoulders, a half constructed, badly supported snowman behind them. I tiptoe in front of him, pressing a quick kiss to his lips, taking him by surprise before he turns and smiles at me, leaning down to kiss me properly, just quickly, gently as he shudders a little beneath my gloved hand.

We pull back and he smiles the tiniest bit before pushing the door open again. He watches as I turn and make my way over to the others, I look back just in time to see the door shut, watching as he appears in the window beside Carole. I see her turn to him, her mouth working around impossible to hear words and he just smiles and nods, taking something from her hands before looking up and out the window. He smiles at me before waving to Ava where she's breaking branches from a tree with help from Finn.

I keep glancing at him covertly as I help with the snowman. Every time I look he seems to be smiling or laughing, occasionally rolling his eyes, teasing his dad. He seems content, happy even, despite what we've just discussed. And that's all I really want in life, for him and Ava to be happy, and judging from the cries of laughter erupting from her tiny body she's happy as well.