A.N.: First off, Syd you do not hate me. You love me AND my angst!
Randy! I am happy to be back, and I missed you too! As for Maybe I'm Amazed, I am sort of stuck. I might write an epilogue, but I think the story is pretty much done.
And for all you others who are worried about where I am going, it is going to be a tough road just hang tight with me. Huddy is forever end game in my world, I just like giving them a hard time xD
I do not own.
Cuddy desperately wished that she could just start the week over again. Scratch that. She wanted to start the month over again. She wanted to go back to the point when she had found his pills. She wanted to go back and handle it better. She couldn't help but blame herself. Years of therapy and she still couldn't stop feeling responsible for Gregory House. His life was her life. They were far more connected than she ever would have thought possible. This is what had happened the moment she allowed him into her life. They became one. For most people it would be a good thing, but when it came to House and Cuddy sometimes it just felt more like a burden, though she would never even consider saying that out loud. She loved him despite his faults. She wanted to help him through them, but he fought her every step of the way. She had explained to her therapist about the barrier that he had created between them. It was all out in the open now. She couldn't hide from the pain it was causing her anymore. The problem was now that it was in the open how did she go about breaking down the barrier? She had no clue. What she did know was that it sure as hell was not going to happen today.
The cop was dead, and House had no idea why. It was not unusual for House to be stumped, but what was unusual was that under the circumstances there was no way in hell that he was going to be able to find out what disease had finally stumped him through autopsy. The man had an unknown deadly disease that, if you could judge by Foreman's condition, was catching. She had already made the call to the CDC and now she was preparing to have the body moved and secured in the morgue. She was hoping to be able to have everything set up and ready to go before House came to confront her, but she had absolutely no luck on her side.
House needed an answer and he needed it fast. Losing that cop was one thing, but he refused to lose Foreman. He would never say that he cared, but he did. How could he not? He had worked with Foreman for years. They wouldn't ever be what people would refer to as 'friends', but they were something. After everything that he had let spin out of control in his personal life he sure as hell was not going to let his professional life go to pot as well. When he pushed the doors of Cuddy's office open he spared a single moment to look his wife over. He had been avoiding her for so long that he felt he hadn't really taken the time to appreciate her body like he usually did. She had worked her ass off (not literally thank God) to get her body back to its prime, and while he knew that her stomach was still a little soft he also knew that she wouldn't let that last long. She took pride in her figure so between running and yoga, there would be no softness left to that belly before long. She had worn his favorite black power suit to work that morning. The pencil skirt clung tight to her ass and the plunging neckline gave him a peek at the abundance of cleavage that always had him praising the effects of pregnancy. Cuddy was a gorgeous creature that was no longer his touch. He had hurt her, and she had basically called him a druggie. She would never understand. He would never explain. This was how it was meant to be. Strangers that lived under the same roof. Man he really needed a scotch right about now.
Tearing his eyes away from her he cleared his throat, "I need an autopsy."
Cuddy had been straightening papers on her desk and didn't dare to meet his eyes. She had felt his gaze, but wasn't even about to hope that his gaze held anything more than the distance he had placed between them, "You will have the autopsy report when the CDC is done with it."
House clenched his jaw and glared at her, "You called the law?"
How she kept from rolling her eyes she would probably never quite know, "I know that you like to ignore policy, House, but I can't. This cop has a disease that could run rampid through the hospital or even the entire city. I can't take that chance, so yeah 'I called the law'." She made air quotes with her fingers still not looking up at him. She hated that with their awkward tension she couldn't even argue with him properly.
"Foreman might die and you are going to hide behind your damn policy!" He saw her physically flinch at his raised voice, and he automatically felt horrible for doing it. Unfortunately he also felt angry that she was being so weak. He needed to fight. He needed her to fight with him, "God damn it Cuddy look at me!" He demanded.
His tone was cutting through her like a knife. It always did. After so many times of having him snap angrily at her over the last few weeks one would think she would be used to it, but she wasn't. It hurt her every single time. When he demanded she look up she finally did. What she found there was nothing but the rage of the employee she was having to go against. There was no compassion of a husband who knows that his wife's job is full of hard decisions, "What, House? Do you think I don't know what this decision does? The CDC swore to me to expedite the autopsy. They will get the results as soon as possible."
House scoffed at that, "Yeah three days from now! You know how they work Cuddy. Foreman doesn't have three days. I need that answer now!"
"Well you better damn well get back to working on an answer, because you are not getting the autopsy. I can not take the risk." Her voice was stern. She couldn't give on this no matter what life hung in the balance. It was killing her to know that she might cost a man his life, but in the end it was either his life or the safety of the entire hospital and possibly the town. It was too big of a risk. She was sure that he knew that, but she was also sure that he did not give a damn.
His eyes narrowed and he fixed her with an angry glare, "You are willing to risk another person's life just to follow your rules. Would you be so willing to gamble on your own life the way you are gambling with Foreman's?" With that final jab he turned and moved to walk out of the door only to have her answer before he could leave.
"You know I would." She stated with conviction.
Her statement caused only a momentary pause in his stride before he carried on out the door. The thing was that he knew that she would do the same if it was her life hanging in the balance. What neither of them would ever say was that while she would do that for herself it would be a different story if it was him. She would break every rule to save his life the consequences be damned. He would do the same for her, but somehow it seemed a lot less special when he would break the rules for anyone as long as he came out on top. He briefly wondered if she knew that she was in fact special to him. He would lay down his life in an instant for hers. He truly doubted that she knew.
Cuddy watched as Foreman's dad left her office, but she was not about to let House do the same. She grabbed his arm to stop his stride and waited until her doors were closed to speak to him, "Why would you do that? You /know/ I feel horrible. You know that if there was any other way I would do it. This is my /job/. I have to make the tough decisions no matter what my feelings are. I don't want that man to lose his son, but I don't have a choice!"
House had no answer for her. He would never admit that he was just desperate. He was scared for Foreman's life and desperate to save him. He had no answers, and Cuddy was holding the key to all the answers. Bringing Foreman's father to her had been cheap, but worth a shot, "I am just trying to make you see what you are doing. You are going to ruin lives. It will be on your head. Can you live with that?"
It was funny. For once he was just talking to her. No yelling. No anger. Just a statement of fact, but it was not true. She heard absolutely no truth in a single thing he had said. This was not about her. If it was about her he would be supporting her now, not playing cheap tricks trying to hurt her into giving him what he wanted. She shook her head and let go of his arm, "I would ruin a lot more lives if this disease got out of control because of me. It will destroy a part of me if we lose Foreman, but I could never live with myself if because of my decision even more lives are lost to this disease."
He stared at her for a moment then simply nodded and walked out. He respected her decision. He just didn't like it.
Why House hadn't been the one to come and tell her that Foreman was okay was beyond her. It was wonderful news! She felt so much lighter than she had in days. It was all okay. She had never lost hope that House would figure it out, but she had been scared that he might not.
The sound of her heels hitting the tile at a fast pace filled her ears as she basically trotted down the hall eager to find House, and being almost completely sure she would find him in his office. She pushed through the glass door happy to find that he was still gathering up his things so she hadn't missed him, "Why didn't you tell me!" She exclaimed with a huge smile plastered on her face, "He's okay! This is good." She shook her head then corrected herself, "No this is great."
House could only stare at her. She was so happy. Ecstatic even. When he finally found the words he wished to express to her even he was surprised at what they turned out to be, "Are you a complete moron?"
The beautiful smile that had previously graced her lips had been wiped clean. It was replaced with a frown and a look of confusion, "He is alive. He is here."
"He doesn't know his right from his left!" He boomed at her, "If I had been a few minutes earlier his brain would be completely fine. I failed, but you..." She shook his head and looked back down at his desk to finish gathering his stuff, "This is your fault."
"My fault?" She was still so stunned she could barely process his angry words.
"If you had let me do the damn autopsy I would have known a long time ago! But no you just had to play by your precious rules."
"He could be fine. You know that."
He slung his backpack over his shoulder and straightened up to stare at her, "There is a possibility he might not be. And /you/ know that. I'm leaving."
He went to move, but she was too quick for him, "He is fine, House. Stop blaming yourself. Hell, stop blaming me. He will go through therapy. He can be just fine."
"You just don't want to accept your part in the damage done to him."
"He could be dead!" She wished she could beat the fact into his skull.
"And he could be normal! No one wants to be damaged Cuddy." He finally maneuvered his way around her to get to the door.
"There is only as much damage as you make of it, House." She didn't follow or try to stop him anymore. She knew he had heard her. She also knew that it wouldn't make a bit of difference. He was still going to go off and drink himself into oblivion, but at least she knew that she had tried.