A/N: Fluffy lintballs. 'nuff said!
Beta Love: The Dragon and the Rose,
One Step Forward, Two Decades Back
Chapter 38
Fluffy Lintballs on the Loose
Monday, April 14th, 1975, Full Moon 99%
"Brother!"
A shake. Another shake.
"Brother, come on!"
"Ugh, I didn't do it," Sirius groaned. "Those knickers weren't mine."
"Brother, I don't want to know about your horrid love life, you mangy cur," Regulus hissed.
"Yrr jsst jeluss," Sirius mumbled, yawning, before stuffing his rumpled head into his pillow and pulling the warm duvet back over himself.
"No, brother, I'm not," Regulus objected, shaking him soundly. Regulus stared at all of the lipstick smears covering his older brother's face, noting that the bright pinkish-red stains were rubbing off onto his pillow.
"You are such a dog, brother," Regulus sighed. "I don't even want to think about how many times you've caused Mother to shatter our priceless vases after hearing about how shamelessly you throw your courtship kisses around."
"Uhhg," Sirius moaned. "It's not like that."
"So you actually planned to marry them, and it somehow didn't work out?" Regulus asked, arching a black eyebrow rather dubiously.
"No, I don't want to marry them," Sirius groaned. He sat up, looking rumpled and weary. "I just don't want to find myself thirty one day, locked into a lousy marriage, and having regrets."
"And if one of those kisses happened to seal you into a new bloodline?" Regulus asked.
Sirius rubbed his head. "If I could only be so lucky."
Regulus sighed, sitting next to his brother. "Bro, you were always the one telling me that if it didn't feel right, then it wasn't right. So what's really wrong?"
Sirius sat up straighter in the bed and nudged his shoulder in the general direction of his best mate. "See that bloke over there?"
Regulus looked over at the snoring boy with his arms dangling over both sides of his four-poster bed and his face burrowed so tight into his pillow that it looked like he was attempting to smother himself. "James?"
Sirius nodded. "He knows exactly what he wants, little bro," Sirius said. "He won't give up, ever. He makes a complete idiot of himself in front of the entire school, every day, just to get her to cast him a glance or even throw a book at him."
"You're jealous of a guy who continually makes an arse of himself in public?" Regulus studied his older brother, frowning slightly.
Sirius shook his head. "No. I'm just jealous that he knows what he wants."
"Well it's quite obvious that those witches you've been courting don't exactly know what they want, either."
"Hey! What do you mean by that?" Sirius sputtered.
Regulus shook his head and sighed. "You have quite a reputation, dear brother. Even mother knows of it."
Sirius shrank back in horror and cradled his pillow closely over his abdomen like a shield.
Regulus chuckled. "Come on bro, it's time you learned exactly why Occlumency will be your new best friend."
Sirius sat up straight and alert dog ears popped up out of his hair.
Regulus shook his head and chuckled. "Seriously, brother. You really need to get some help with your Animagus form.
Eyes widening, Sirius felt his head and groaned. "Not again!"
Suddenly, he seemed to realise something. "Hey, how exactly did you get up here, Regulus?"
Regulus just grinned at him lopsidedly and jumped up onto the nearby window sill. "Through the window, of course," he said and then promptly leapt out, immediately disappearing from sight.
Sirius bolted to the window and looked down, fearing the worst.
Regulus just waved at him from the ground below. How the— ?
Sirius quickly threw on some clothes and scampered out the dormitory door in a rare moment of reason, figuring that throwing himself out of a window was probably not the best of ideas, even if his baby brother had somehow managed to do it without seriously injuring or killing himself.
Down below, Regulus scratched Zabulon on the chin as the phoenix changed the color of his feathers. The phoenix had previously blended seamlessly into the background, but now swiftly morphed back into his usual startling red and orange plumage with a head crest that was starting to look very much like his "father's."
"Thanks for the lift, my dear feathered accomplice," Regulus chuckled.
The young phoenix warbled happily, laying his head against Regulus' cheek.
"At least my brother didn't throw himself out the window," the younger Black commented smugly.
Zab let out a happy string of agreeable notes.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
"I think I'm in love," Sirius cooed at the tiny golden chick in his lap. The fluffy chick eagerly took all the fruit Sirius could stuff in his mouth. His companion, a little white chick with a shaggy black mop of a head crest and sooty black rings around his eyes begged for his share, and Sirius could only oblige him with a dumbfounded look of pure adoration on his face. "If you'd just told me years ago that this would be my reward for learning Occlumency, I would have busted my tail to learn it a long time ago!"
"Well, at least you got the tail part right, brother," Regulus laughed as he pointed to Sirius' enthusiastically wagging furry appendage.
Sirius slumped and groaned aloud. "At least I'm not sporting an enormous rack of moose antlers and filled with the irrepressible desire to ram my head against anyone who even looks at Lily Evans."
The tiny golden chick in his lap suddenly chirped and his head crest formed into antler shapes. The black mop-headed chick promptly imitated him.
Sirius gave a joyous barking laugh. "Look, little brother! We have a rising Quidditch star! He's a right Prongs."
A pink chick pegged Sirius right on the nose and cheeped hungrily.
"Ow!" he complained. "Pink menace! Where did you come from?"
The chick pecked him again.
Sirius surrendered his plum to the hungry chick. "Whoa, whoa, little one, not the seed."
The entire plum disappeared.
Sirius stared at the pink chick.
She cheeped innocently at him and opened her mouth wide.
"Merlin… you just ate a whole… where in the world are you packing away all of that?"
All three chicks made the telltale hacking noise that always led to a very disgusting end. Three plum stones pegged Sirius squarely on the forehead even as the chicks opened their beaks wide for more food.
Alas, poor Sirius was out cold.
Eighteen fluffy chicks were covering Sirius' passed out body. All of them were fed, preened, and looking greatly rotund, thanks to being stuffed with enough fruit mash to make an typical fruit orchard owner very sad indeed. Some were dozing. Some were trying to nest in Sirius' shaggy black hair, and some had burrowed underneath his robes to keep warm, complaining that he wasn't the proper temperature by putting their cold little feet against his skin.
Sadly, he was in no condition to respond, having spent the last few days constantly stuffing fruit into a multitude of hungry little beaks. He didn't complain even once, however. He seemed to enjoy himself greatly.
Minerva had a honey-coloured chick sitting in her teacup with just her black eyes peering out over the edge. The Animagus had lifted her cup to take a drink only to find her tea was staring back at her with bright black eyes.
"Well, I know what your name is, my darling little Teacup," Minerva chuckled, pouring herself a fresh cup of tea.
A silver-white chick was trying to make a nest out of cast-off socks, and Minerva decided to name that one Pearl due to her lovely shimmering colour.
Barberry dubbed a somewhat bleached-looking tan chick Parchment, after he made himself a comfy nest among his scrolls and started to worry on the edges of each one with his beak.
Hermione named a red chick with brown, fluffy shoulders that looked rather like a fur collar, Viktor. He had black eyes the colour of lamp soot, and his head crest was an even deeper shade of black. The white chick with the black mop for a head crest was christened Harry. The bright gold-coloured chick that liked to sprint around the room and hide from everyone was dubbed Snitch. Ironically, both Harry and Viktor happily chased the little golden Snitch around relentlessly until all three ended up exhausted and panting in a pile-up somewhere utterly random. Viktor, much like his namesake, had this strange propensity to dangle upside-down on things whenever he stopped to perch on something, ever the acrobatic little show-off.
Agrimony named herself by nesting in Barberry's agrimony plants, blending in with their bright yellow flowers and green stems with her equally yellow fluff and bright green feet. The pink chick that had oh-so-lovingly hacked up a stone for Sirius was named Amortentia due to her rosy pink fluff, bright red neck feathers, tail, and obnoxiously loving personality. She never met a wizard or witch she didn't like.
Tailkinker had a tail with an array of rainbow colours. She proved herself quite the mischief-maker, prying the labels off of Master Barberry's herbs and affixing them onto other bottles. Severus had eyed the bottle of "doxy wings" that looked suspiciously like blueberries and was immediately skeptical. Tailkinker crowed from atop the potion shelves, laughing like a kookaburra in an old Australian gum tree.
Tailkinker found an eager accomplice in a reddish-orange headed chick, who seemed very apt to pulling pranks as well. Shoelaces would disappear. Wicks from candles would mysteriously vanish. Shoes would be filled with marbles, biscuits and candies would mysteriously go missing from their jars, random victims would wake up to find worms or other creepy-crawlies in their hair. That little red-headed menace was swiftly dubbed Forge by Hermione. After hearing her reasoning, everyone seemed to agree it was appropriate.
A green chick that looked like he was covered in foliage and had a brown, messy head crest. Remus named him Pan from one of his favourite nighttime stories his mum read to him before he had been attacked by Fenrir Greyback.
A pale, white chick with an elegant black feathered crest and a deep sapphire blue tail edged with silver became Elrond, thanks to Hermione's secret love affair with J.R.R. Tolkien. The chick would boss all the other chicks around, holding his head high as he lorded over them all. Every so often, Severus would slip and call him Lucius.
One unfortunate chick discovered Barberry's half-empty shot glass of Ogden's firewhisky and proceeded to get extremely inebriated. He peeped loudly, slamming into things, falling off other things, and randomly turning different shades of pink while he did so. That unfortunate chick was named Ogden, and all whisky was immediately moved to a secret phoenix-proof location.
Bubbles got his name from his tendency to invite himself into the bathtub. The bright yellow chick would float happily on the surface, playing tag with the soap suds with his neon orange beak.
Peppa was a shy little chick, all white save for the perfect round red spots that covered her body like pepperoni slices on a pizza. Thanks to Sirius, they soon discovered that she adored sneaking bits of cheese off his sandwiches, and she liked to burrow herself into a fresh, warm loaf of bread, hollowing it out so she could sleep inside. All loaves were always carefully checked before the breadknife came out after that rather alarming discovery.
The light grey phoenix that would shyly sing for Minerva every time the elder Animagus came in, became Jean. Hermione had a soft spot for the name, given her past, and the little phoenix seemed to adore her new name, singing even more sweetly when she heard Minerva calling her by it.
Razz acquired his name after having helped himself to every last one of the raspberries off of Master Barberry's prize raspberry bush. His feathers were a bright red to match, and, oddly enough, he even smelled like raspberries after having devoured his way all over Barberry's bush.
Habanero, the bright orange and yellow chick with white teardrop spots, was the only chick that preferred to eat the peppers out of the vegetable garden instead of the fruit that his nestmates preferred. His favourites were, of course, the hot peppers. Hungarian hot peppers, chili peppers, habaneros, jalapenos, ghost peppers, scotch bonnet peppers and Thai red dragon peppers all disappeared from the garden until only the sweet red, yellow and green bell peppers remained. Severus made the comment that his very presence in the room brought water to the eyes of everyone there, far worse than any species of onion ever created, and they were going to be practically drowning in phoenix tears from the rest of the clutch that seemed all too eager to scamper away from their enthusiastic pepper-eating brother.
Twister got his name from both his stormy grey colour and white stripes, making him resemble a small angry cloud. He tore across Barberry's garden, spinning madly in tight circles until everyone had to look away or risk becoming dizzy and disgracing themselves by passing out.
Dandy, a sweet little white chick with perpetually puffy feathers and down, looked like a dandelion gone to seed. She would sit in Minerva's flower box and sing sweetly, mimicking the various bird songs she heard all around her. Whenever someone she didn't know came around, she would instantly silence herself and freeze, looking very much like the dandelion she was named for. Then, once the coast was clear, she would resume her sweet songs.
The last chick was a lazy royal purple male with quite a roly-poly look about him. His feathers were perpetually puffed out, making him look even more perfectly round. If he wasn't sleeping, he was eating and if he wasn't eating, he was sleeping. Remus promptly dubbed him Tuit, saying his father would always irritate his mum by telling her he would do something that she had repeatedly asked him to do "when he got around to it." Elrond seemed to take personal offense to chubby Tuit's very existence, and would peck his nestmate mercilessly until the purple chick was forced to hide himself away in random unused crannies that had a wealth of old dust and dirt in them, just to get his prim and proper sibling to leave him alone.
There were so many chicks running about, it was hard to see where one was coming or going. It was also very difficult to keep the chicks in one place for their own safety. The chicks liked to gather under the adults for warmth, but once they were sufficiently warmed up, they were immediately underfoot again.
Thankfully, the humans had a secret weapon no phoenix chick could resist: Orion Black. While Sirius was the perch of choice when he was passed out, it was deemed impractical to knock him out cold whenever they needed to gather the chicks together. Severus seemed to think it was an idea well worth pursuing, but that expressed sentiment had earned him a swift peck on the rump from Hermione, the disgruntled she-phoenix.
Orion, however, all he had to do was fall asleep, and all twenty-one of his little grand-chicks would gather all over his sleeping body, quickly picking out prime cuddling spots and joining him in his nap. Denebola seemed resigned to the notion of sharing. Walburga, who often woke before her husband, would soon find that he also gathered phoenix chicks wherever he was sleeping, and so she often opened her eyes to find their marital bed was covered in a multitude of Orion-seeking little lintballs. Walburga blamed Orion for having always thrown out gratuitous warmth like her own, personal heating unit, but Orion simply shrugged. He wasn't complaining, and the chicks all seemed to be on their very best behaviour around him— even Forge and Tailkinker, which was no small miracle unto itself.
Hermione and Regulus strongly suspected that phoenixes were instinctively drawn to chimeras in whatever form they happened to be in, but Severus wondered aloud that if that was the case, why didn't random phoenixes just show up and perch on Orion from time to time? Answering that question was eventually deemed to be too much like work, and so they all agreed to simply accept it and move on. Some of them, however, accepted a bit more silently than others.
-o-o-o-o-o-
"Well, my son," Orion said in the ominously quiet tone that always caused Sirius' blood to freeze in his veins. "I had no idea that your relationship with Magnolia Mayweather was quite so far along. It seems her father decided it was time to speak with me about dowries and other such formalities."
Sirius swallowed so hard that the sound seemed to echo.
Orion steepled his fingers together and drummed them against his desk. "He wishes me to consider a joint ownership in his hippogriff breeding business instead of the typical galleons, horses, and assorted magical trinkets. So, tell me, who is this young witch whose fancy you have managed to enrapture so thoroughly that marriage is already on the table?
Sirius opened and closed his mouth a few times, resembling the ornamental koi that his mother kept in the garden pond.
"He was concerned, of course, that his wife's being Muggle would adversely affect the outcome of the engagement," Orion recalled. "I told Mr Mayweather that, as long as the kisses were both given and received with mutual acceptance, I would not stand in the way of… love, wherever you might happen to find it."
Sirius fidgeted nervously.
"Seeing as the girl is," Orion paused, his eyes sliding over and seeming to stare into Sirius' soul, "pregnant. I need not tell you that whatever choice you may have thought you had is no longer. I will have not have any child of our most Ancient and Noble House of Black being shamefully born out of wedlock."
Sirius paled. His skin went from the red of total embarrassment to a horrorstruck, bloodless white.
Orion stared into his son's eyes, brokering no quarter. "You will present yourself to Healer Augustina Pye at St Mungo's for a paternity spell tomorrow. She will be expecting you. If all is confirmed, I will see to the negotiations with her father on the matter of dowry. Seeing that she is pregnant," Orion said, watching his elder son shrink down ever smaller, "I will be considerably more lenient with regard to the negotiations."
"Father, I—"
"You will be married the moment my signature on the documents is inked and the wax sealed, Sirius Orion Black," Orion informed his son, his voice a low whisper that was as terrifyingly effective as a Sonorus charm. "For as assuredly as your middle name links you to mine, I will see you face your responsibilities at last. This time there will be. No. Compromise. Whatsoever. Am I clear enough for you?"
"Yes, father," Sirius said, casting his head down as low as he could without smashing his skull onto the floor. "I shall go to St. Mungo's first thing in the morning."
"Get out of my sight," Orion seethed, his dismissal coming out in a low, deadly hiss that spoke of absolute fury and severe disappointment.
Sirius backpedaled from the room faster than if a fire demon had been after him.
As the door to the room closed, Orion growled, wickedly sharp black claws sprouting from his nail beds as his face twisted into a leonine muzzle of pure fury. He swatted the table next to him, flinging it across the room with a crashing sound, yet the sound of the table's destruction was muffled under his roar of rage.
-o-o-o-o-o-
"You did… what?" James blurted in total shock.
Sirius stared blankly into his drink. "I may have gotten Magnolia Mayweather pregnant."
"Sirius… that's like a binding marriage contract, mate!"
"I know!" Sirius moaned miserably. "Merlin, I know!"
"You can't tell me you actually forgot the contraceptive charm?" James prodded, aghast.
"I cast it, usually," Sirius told him, "but sometimes she did right before she dragged me off into a broom closet."
James narrowed his eyes. "You never actually saw her cast it?"
"No, why should I?" It's not as if I announce it to anyone when I cast it on myself. She said she took care of it."
"And you believed her."
"And… I believed her."
"You are such an idiot, mate," James sighed. "So many people to choose from and take your bloody sweet time with, and you fall into bed with the first witch who makes eyes at you. Repeatedly."
Sirius slumped.
James scrubbed at his hair with his hands in agitation. "Why Magnolia Mayweather? You wouldn't even give that little witch the time of the day last year. You said she was trying way too hard to get herself hitched. Why would you even approach someone like that?"
Sirius stared thoughtfully into his drink.
"She wasn't like all the others," he said. "So very prim and proper, trying to out-Pureblood the Pureblood." Sirius shook his head. "Others, they— they always treat me like they're trying to court Lucius Bloody Malfoy."
"I still think that whole dance is pretty funny," James admitted with a slight smirk.
Sirius groaned. "No, it's horrible. You just think it's funny because no one even bothers to approach you like that due to your very obvious unyielding devotion to one Lily Evans."
James tilted his jaw determinedly. "She will come around. Eventually."
Sirius sighed. "Maybe when she runs out of shoes and books to chuck at your head, and she gets tired of dumping buckets of neon-coloured slime all over you from afar."
James shook his head. "She wouldn't pay the slightest bit of attention to me if she wasn't interested."
"That's like being a Dark wizard and saying the Aurors are watching you because you've got fabulous hair." Sirius stared him in the eye unblinkingly.
Sirius sighed, downing the last of his drink. "I didn't feel anything," he confessed quietly.
James made a strange face at that. "What do you mean?"
"I mean," Sirius explained, "that the firstborn son of my father's branch of the Ancient and Noble House of Black can't even feel the magic of a courtship bond forming. I couldn't feel it at all, James. This pregnancy… I couldn't feel the marriage bond form. I couldn't feel anything. I'm… I must be defective, somehow. My sister, she knew the very instant she bonded with Lucius. Regulus? He can charm bees to bring him honey— willingly, nay, eagerly. Thousands of the little buzzing buggers flying their tiny arses off to bring him fresh honey still in the combs, just to make him happy. But me? What the hell can I do? Sprout silly dog ears and a wagging tail? Always know what direction is north? Great. What good is that? Spectacularly fuck up Animagus magic? Get some girl bloody pregnant and not even realise it? The contraceptive charm? I should have realized I never felt the charm take. I didn't feel it. Maybe I couldn't feel it because something is missing in me, mate."
James nudged his friend's shoulder gently. "Come on. Mum fixed up our guest room for you. She even did it herself, didn't bother about asking the house-elves. That's love, mate. Sometimes you don't have to feel it to know it's there. Tomorrow, I'll go with you to face the results. Whatever happens, mate, we'll see it through."
Sirius closed his eyes and nodded. "Thanks."
James smiled at him just as a glorious rack of antlers sprouted from his hair, and his head was promptly weighted down to the floor. "Merlin's bloody pants, help me!" he cried, his arms flailing wildly.
Sirius put his hand on his shoulder, cracking a small grin. "I'm here for ya, mate." Sirius pulled out the miniature hand saw he had stashed in his robes just for this particular occasion.
-o-o-o-o-o-
"Ah, Mr Black," Augustina Pye said as she glided soundlessly back into the waiting room. "Thank you for waiting. I fear that I must ask you to be a bit more patient with me, as your… fiancée has yet to arrive to the scheduled appointment."
James and Sirius exchanged glances. "W… what does that mean for—"
Healer Pye shook her head. "I cannot run the proper spells without the both of you together. It was my understanding that she would be here waiting for you.
"I'm very sorry, Lord Black," a tall, thin man with mousy brown hair apologised as he trailed him into the room. "I have no idea what happened. Magnolia was told to be here. She said she had to be up anyway to purchase some… necessary items for the pregnancy, and she would be here directly after. Believe me, is it not just you who wishes to be over and done with this unfortunate situation."
Orion, despite being slightly shorter in stature in comparison to the very tall man text to him, still somehow managed to make the other look rather smaller than he was. His grey eyes scanned the room like a lion eyeing the zebra herds for any sign of potential weakness. Sirius immediately made himself look as small and unthreatening as possible, and even James quietly bowed his head in instinctive deference to the regal and imposing figure of Orion Black.
Orion stared thoughtfully at Sirius, seemingly reassured by his son's presence precisely where he was supposed to be, unlike young Magnolia Mayweather. "Yet, you called the Aurors to locate your missing daughter."
Mr Mayweather took in a slow breath. "It's not like her to not answer my Patronus at once. She can't cast one herself, but she was always good about promptly getting to an owl post to send word if anything was wrong or if she would be delayed for any reason. Or, she would ask if someone could send a Patronus for her. Something must have happened to my dear little girl."
"You may be satisfied in allowing the Aurors to do their jobs without assistance; however, I am not, Mr Mayweather," Orion said. He tapped his index finger against his high collar, and a scarlet gem glowed from its setting.
There was a rumble in the air just moments before a loud crack signalled the arrival of a very stern-looking Auror Klaus Shattenjäger. Beside him were Hermione, Severus, and Remus in their respective forms. Each of the Animagi wore their distinctive bright orange collars, signalling that they were there in their official capacity as members of the Auror Animagus Rescue Team.
"Lord Black," Shattenjäger greeted with a bow, and the three Animagi beside him were silent, save the tilt of their head in deference.
Sirius' eyes widened along with James'.
"I received your request earlier this morning, Lord Black," Shattenjäger stated. "Do you have an object you wish us to trace?"
Orion nodded, jutting his chin at Mr Mayweather.
The thin man startled, and handed Shattenjäger a silver comb. "This is her favourite comb. She keeps it at home because she doesn't want to risk losing it. It was given to her by her great-grandmother."
Shattenjäger took the comb delicately between his fingers. He lowered it to Remus, who sniffed it.
"Severus, the tracking spell for the magic," the veteran Auror directed.
Severus nodded his head, closing his eyes. A shimmering aura surrounded the Bateleur eagle, and it moved to surround the comb.
"Hermione, enhance the trace," Shattenjäger directed.
Hermione spread her wings and warbled, fire surrounding her body as she concentrated, and the aura of magic around the comb flashed brightly.
"I smell her," Sirius said.
"What?" James asked.
"I can smell her… Magnolia," Sirius said. "Strongly from that comb. It smells like pickles, shaving cream, and treacle tarts."
Remus transformed back into a human and caught Shattenjäger's eye.
"Go ahead, Remus."
"Excuse me, sir, but when I smell her scent, it doesn't smell that way to me at all. She smells like… creamed herring, hair tonic, and black licorice," Remus detailed.
Mr Mayweather looked absolutely appalled.
Shattenjäger eyed Sirius consideringly. "I remember you, young Lord Black. "I seem to recall seeing you at the Emergency Animagus Reversal Wing at St. Mungo's."
At the very mention of the incident in question, Sirius promptly sprouted a pair of dog ears and a tail.
Shattenjäger shook his head and chuckled lowly. "Well, that confirms that. He pulled out a small box from his coat and opened it. "Humour me, lad, and smell this for me. I know exactly what it is, and so do these three. I want to know what you smell."
Sirius fidgeted with embarrassment, but leaned over and sniffed the open box. He grinned. "You're tricking me. That's my sister's box."
Shattenjäger smiled. "No, lad. It is not. What do you smell?"
Sirius blushed a little. "That smell you get right after a rain. It's like nothing else."
"Petrichor," Shattenjäger answered. "Fascinating. Remus what do you smell?"
"Woodsmoke, autumn leaves, and damp earth," Remus answered.
Hermione buried her head in Severus' feathers. He put his wing around her in a strangely human-like comforting gesture.
"Very interesting," Shattenjäger said. "What is in the box, young Lord Black, is a vial of phoenix tears for emergencies. Each of us on the Auror Animagus Rescue team carries one. All of it donated by a very particular phoenix. Might you guess which one?"
Sirius' eyes widened. "My sister's."
Shattenjäger smiled. "Indeed. I think, somehow, what you are smelling is not a true personal scent like Remus, Severus, or even what our dull human noses can smell. What you are picking up is the scent of an individual's magic."
James beamed. "You see, mate? I knew you weren't some magical failure!"
Orion lifted a bemused brow at his son.
Sirius hushed James with a swift elbow to his ribs.
Sirius looked at Shattenjäger hopefully, his heart in his eyes. "You mean, you've seen this before?"
The senior Auror shook his head with amusement. "Every time I look in a mirror, lad. There is a reason I head the tracking team."
Sirius looked so happy and excited that he could burst. Instead, however, he seemed to vibrate so rapidly that his edges began to blur.
Fwoop!
In Sirius' place was a giant, black bloodhound with luminous grey eyes. He barked, tail wagging furiously.
Unseen by most in the room, Orion's lips briefly turned upward in a small, tight, smile.
Hermione warbled happily, setting herself on fire with celebratory silver flames.
Shattenjäger stood up straight. "You three, follow the trace. Take Snuffles here with you."
Hermione and Severus leapt off Shattenjäger's shoulders and locked talons in mid air. Remus growl-barked as he reassumed his Animagus form. He wagged his tail and chomped on Snuffles' tail.
Sirius yipped loudly.
CRACK! They were gone.
Suddenly there was a cry in the room as James' body began to vibrate rapidly around the edges as well.
Fwoop!
One gargantuan black and tan moose took up the space where he once was. Wide hazel eyes looked both excited and embarrassed.
"Mfmfmffffffffff!" A muffled cry came from underneath James' impressive bulk.
The moose Animagus lowered his head to look under his long, awkward, splayed forelegs. His hindquarters tried to lift up too, but his hind legs abruptly gave out from under him, his giant hooves all going in multiple directions. His enormous rack of antlers spanned so wide that they jammed into the cramped waiting room walls.
Orion and Shattenjäger stared down to see that Mr Mayweather had a rather large moose of a problem sitting squarely on top of him.
Healer Augustina Pye, having been proven completely unflappable, pointed her wand at James and levitated him, notifying the skin-and-bone mending units that Mr Mayweather was on his way and in dire need of their talents.
Shattenjäger sniffed and glanced in Orion's direction without batting an eye. "I suppose I should fill out the appropriate paperwork for the Animagus Registration Office."
Orion stroked his chin with his fingers. "I'll handle the fees. I'm sure the Potters would prefer their son's status as a new Animagus be legalized after all the trouble he has brought upon himself over the years."
The moose that was James gave a strange, whining moan as he floated awkwardly in the air.
Healer Pye released him from the levitation as they removed Mr Mayweather from the room. James went crashing down to the floor with a strangled bleat.
"Mr Prongs," she announced, perfectly deadpan. "If you insist on becoming a moose in my waiting room, please remove yourself to a larger one that is more able to accommodate your greatly increased space requirements, or I shall be forced to shrink you down to a more manageable size."
James tried to move to do as she asked, but his antlers were still stuck firmly in the walls. He turned to Shattenjäger with desperate, pleading eyes.
"Think of the most peaceful time in your life, Prongs," Shattenjäger directed, amused by the nickname enough to use it. It must be peaceful. Content. You can even make something up, but it must be strong."
The moose stilled, still awkwardly entangled by his own legs and the walls around him. His breathing slowed. His body stopped struggling.
Crackle... crackle...
Fwoop!
A red-faced James Potter landed face first, his body sprawled awkwardly across the floor.
"Ow," he moaned piteously.
"Out!" Healer Pye ordered, calling for someone to come look at Potter's obviously broken nose, which was bleeding profusely all over her previously-spotless waiting room floor.
Orion and Shattenjäger watched the blushing boy walk out of the room with his head bowed in deep shame and total embarrassment.
"They have a lovely tea room one floor up," Orion said conversationally.
"Lead the way, Lord Black," Klaus answered. "I have a feeling we will both be needing its succor when the young folks return with little Miss Mayweather."
Orion's lips quirked upward as he swept from the debris-covered post-Prongs apocalypse room, his cloak fluttering majestically behind him.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-
"Daddy!" Magnolia cried pitifully. "Daddy, please!"
Mr Mayweather sat up in the hospital bed, his face almost purple with barely-suppressed fury. "You shame me, daughter," he said formally, removing his sleeve from her feverish grasp. "You brought shame to our family name. You accepted and consummated a relationship with one wizard, and then attempted to deceive another wizard who gave you the Kisses into believing he was the father of your unborn child. You insult me, your father, by pulling the wool over my eyes. You insult the Black family with whom I had been negotiating dowry and marriage at your behest! If it wouldn't break your mother, I would disown you from our family this instant!
"No, Daddy, no!" Magnolia moaned. "Please!"
"Did you think they would just take you into their bosom and welcome you into their family without a confirmation of the purity of your bond? You expect them to simply take your word for it after countless families have been duped by imposters whose only goal is to weasel their way into wealth and a powerful family name?" Mr Mayweather seethed, his teeth grinding together. "Do you even realise what Lord Black is able to do to us for even attempting what you did? Every last thing we own could be taken away in our dishonor. No one could look at me without knowing what my daughter tried to do— what I unknowingly helped you to do."
Magnolia was crying hard, her face blotchy with tears and further marred by trails of mucus.
"I have coddled you for long enough, Magnolia," Mr Mayweather announced. "Actually, for far too long. You will now attend your husband by magic for his remainder of his stay at St Mungo's and until he has recovered fully from his fall from his broom, however long that may take. In fact, I believe that your little attempt to use a hedge wizard's spell from Witches Weekly to break a full marital bond was the most likely the cause of his unfortunate fall. After he recovers enough for you to be properly and formally wed, if he will even have you, you will be married officially by a representative of the Ministry of Magic. However, know that he is well within his rights to refuse you and your child now, and if he does, you may be spending your first years as a mother in Azkaban, charged with nearly causing his death."
"I never meant for this to happen!" Magnolia wailed.
"Your penance starts now, daughter," Mr Mayweather said, wincing as his bones and flesh were not quite fully healed. "You will go prostrate yourself in front of both Lord Black and his son and beg for their forgiveness. See if they will have mercy on us and not take everything I have worked so hard to provide both you and your mother. You will then apologise to the Auror team that wasted countless hours trying to find you, believing that you'd been kidnapped or dragged off by Dark Wizards, and you will do whatever any of them request of you as restitution. Until this is done, you will get out of my sight."
Magnolia whimpered, but her father resolutely turned his head away.
She sniffled, rubbed her face with her sleeve, and slinked her way out of his hospital room.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-
"Alec Selwyn?" James whispered as they gathered around Master Barberry's garden. "I knew something had to have been wrong. He's the best Chaser I've ever seen. He does things on brooms that make me jealous! He can do the two-fingered stand in mid-flight!"
"He fell during a practice when Ravenclaw had the field all to themselves. Marcus told me that one minute he was up in the air, expertly performing his drills, and the next minute he had crashed hard on the ground, his broom shattered in pieces, and his head cracked open on a support beam of one of the towers on the pitch," Sirius recalled. "He's been at Mungo's for months now. People were saying he'd have to resume next term because of all the work he's missed."
Suddenly, an entire orchard of phoenix chicks went running by, peeping and flapping their wings wildly as they were chased by a brown blur of frenetic squeakiness. There was a splash nearby as one fuzzy otter dove into the water of Barberry's fountain and all the chicks dove in after her, floating on the surface of the water with their heads under the water, searching for Hermione.
"Your turned her into an otter again?" James accused Sirius.
Sirius sputtered. "No! Merlin, mate, not after all that detention we suffered on McGonagall's watch…"
Severus slid his eyes over to Remus suspiciously.
Remus buried his head behind his copy of The Daily Prophet.
Severus' gaze bored into Remus through the paper, and then he turned his head back to the book on Potions theory that he was currently reading.
"So, to make a long story a bit shorter: Magnolia got pregnant, Alec tried to propose, and she… tried to break their bond with some barmy spell from Witches Weekly?" James asked.
"That magazine is utter rubbish," Severus commented, curling his lip in derision. "We've had to cite them repeatedly over the legitimacy of their stories and the supposed spells, charms and such within their publication. It never fails, they always end up doing something humiliating to anyone who is foolish enough to try them."
"One of them caused a bunch of witches to break out in glowing purple spots when they used a spell to cure acne," Remus said. "Another made them sprout loads of yeti hair on their legs and arms that was astonishingly resistant to every depilatory spell ever invented."
James and Sirius looked completely torn between laughter and horror. "That sounds like a joke, mate. A bad one, maybe, but a joke none the less…"
"The attempt to break the bond didn't actually affect the bond at all, but it distracted Alec enough to cause him to crash his broom," Remus added, shaking his head.
"So, when Alec ended up at Mungo's," James surmised, "Magnolia realised she was pregnant without anyone there to support her pregnancy, panicked, and so she tried to find someone who could give her baby a good family name and substantial wealth."
"Enter one singularly stupid Sirius Black," Sirius sighed. "Idiot extraordinaire."
"It almost worked," Sirius admitted quietly a moment later. "I was so afraid of my father's wrath, I was going to march right up to the Ministry, present myself as the father of Magnolia's child, and fill out a marriage certificate on the spot."
"Thank Merlin for the entire Pureblood family knee-jerk reaction paternity test tradition," James said. "I never thought I'd be thanking Pureblood tradition for anything, Snuffles, but I'd be thanking a lot of things I didn't think I would after this."
Sirius sighed and nodded. "Father is appeased and greatly relieved. He wants to talk to Regulus and I "very soon" which worries me, but he seems much happier now that he knows I wasn't purposely shirking my duties to a marriage bond."
"At least now you know why you couldn't sense the magic bond," James added.
"Auror Shattenjäger said that those like you and him, you gain the ability to scent out magical signatures, but at the cost of something else?" Remus asked.
Sirius nodded. "That's how he said it, yeah," he replied. "He said over the summer, he will help me hone the ability now that I've agreed to train under him. I'll be working with another Auror too, who is really interested in the tracking ability since he can't have Shattenjäger all the time. Moogie?"
"Moody," Remus informed his friend, chuckling.
"I"ll get to wear one of those stunning orange collars," Sirius moaned.
"At least you have a purpose," James pouted. "What good is a moose to anyone?"
"Holding down prisoners," Severus quipped.
James slumped. "Glorious."
"I feel bad for her, really," Sirius said, earning quite a few odd looks. Sirius sighed. "I admit I set myself up to be trapped by acting irresponsibly. She was irresponsible too, when she foolishly tried to run away from duty. I did the same thing by giving away my courtship kisses, never intending to marry any of them."
James shook his head. "Not the same thing, Snuffles. Yeah, I mean, you were being a total dick by leading the girls on, but I don't doubt that, had you really, honestly, been bonded to one of them, you wouldn't have shirked that responsibility. Alec didn't, and he's a student, just like us. It was horrible, but still, it wasn't the same."
Sirius stared at James in surprise. "When did you get so wise?"
"Sometime between getting my prongs stuck in two walls and landing right on Mr Mayweather," James mumbled, blushing.
"Ah, so fairly recent then," Sirius sighed with relief. "Now I don't feel quite so bad about not noticing it before.
James transformed into a moose and bleated loudly, lowering his enormous antlers in challenge. Sirius yipped, transforming into a bloodhound. James drove Sirius around Master Barberry's garden sounding like they were trying to obliterate each other or the garden, whichever came first.
"Should we try to stop them?" Remus inquired in between loud crashing noises.
Severus flipped a page disinterestedly. "No, they'll soon find out what we did after knocking over that statuary on our first year here."
Remus grinned mischievously. "I hope they studied up on their mending charms and herbology"
Severus' lips curved into a tight smile as a brown blur of fur squeaked her way across the path in front of them and then disappeared into the hedges. Twenty-one little fluffballs peeped excitedly and chased after her in hot pursuit. "At least the chicks will surely sleep through the night after all this vigorous exercise."
Remus grinned, burying his nose in his copy of The Daily Prophet. "Mission accomplished, mate."
A/N: Anyone actually worried that Sirius would have to step up as a dad? Prongs and Snuffles are alive and well. Horray!
Weekend/Mon-Tue is mad studying time for me, so don't be surprised if nothing gets worked on for a while!
I leave you with this final mental image: Snuffles passed out in the garden after his chase (or being chased by Prongs) with twenty-one fuzz buckets perched all over his body, or, if it pleases you, Prongs with twenty-one lint balls perched on his antlers weighing him down. heh.
You're welcome!